Ep. 122 How To Get Rid of Self Doubt & Achieve Your Dreams With Maya Raichoora

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1:41What is up and welcome to Working Hard, Hardly Working. This is an episode that I have actually been excited for for quite a long time. I knew I wanted it to go live as part of our new year content and our series on how to have the best 2025 possible. Maya is a mental fitness expert. She has been on a mission to make training your mind as common as training your body. At just 15, Maya was diagnosed with an incurable illness that turned her world upside down. And it was actually through visualization and mental training that she found the strength to rebuild, a journey that inspired her decade of work in helping others' strength train their minds.

2:13Maya has taught and coached some of the world's biggest brands and most successful individuals in the art of visualization. So I was so excited that we managed to get her in the office to give us a little free coaching session on mental fitness techniques. But I also thought because we are doing this mini kind of new year 2025 series, there's the planning part of things. And there is this kind of, you know, what am I going to do in 2025? What are my goals? You know, the manifesting side that we've ticked off. But then there's also, OK, how do you get there if you don't actually have adequate mental fitness?

2:42And I really wanted to talk about and learn more about exactly how we build that. As you know, like if you've been here for a while, you know that I do not identify as woo woo. and there are a lot of things that I just kind of immediately click off because I just think, do you know what, this isn't the type of thing that works for me and actually what I really wanted from this is because we all know we all have mental health that we need to look after and therefore we want to keep our brain happy and healthy and we want to keep our mind happy and healthy but at the same time naturally a lot of things around like mental fitness have just been classically things that I haven't paid attention to and so I wanted this to be a bit of an episode that was kind of helping us to learn what works for each of us individually when it comes to building our own mental fitness so that we can actually start to reach our goals that we set for ourselves without burning ourselves out along the way or without losing control of our emotions or what we really want and all of this.

3:35So this was such a good episode. I found it really, really, really useful with lots of practical techniques as well to employ when things get a bit overwhelming or even just every day when you're trying to reframe who you are as a person and really trying to grow into a certain type of person that maybe doesn't have certain habits or doesn't fall into certain negative cycles. And I found it really, really useful. And we also answered a lot of your questions in this episode, we did a little Q &A section. And those were some of my absolute favorites. I asked those on my Instagram broadcast channel, which is what I've been using to get questions for the podcast.

4:06So if you wanna be involved in setting questions for guests, then make sure to join that broadcast channel that's just on my Instagram page. Then you can just click to join the broadcast channel. But before we get into the episode, if you could just hit that subscribe button or hit the like button or do both. Why not push the boat out if you like to hear interesting conversations with interesting people about interesting things that we can all help improve our own lives. That would be really greatly appreciated and it helps the podcast a huge amount.

4:37Thank you so much for joining me. Yeah, I'm really excited. I'm very excited to have this conversation. this is obviously part of our beginning of 2025 little mini series all around improving your life setting yourself up well for the next year and we're talking about a lot of different sides of that because I think it's really I think it's really easy to look at like new year new me in one facet like you'll come into the new year and you'll be like this is my fitness year or this is my financial year or this is like you know whatever it might be and our lives are so much more complex than that so I'm excited to be talking about mental fitness and building mindset and making sure that whatever 25 25 the year 25 1825 whatever 2025 is gonna throw at us that we're actually able to deal with that even if it's not what we had in mind so first of all I'd like to ask whether at the moment you are more working hard or hardly working I'm hardly working at the moment I I love that yeah yeah I think for me I'm a very seasonal like person even in my work so I've just had like a very intense harvest so very like a lot of producing a lot of events a lot of you know speaking etc so now I'm in hibernation now I'm like just a bit more introverted I'm still doing work but more deep work but not so much of the like outcome producing so yeah I am hardly working at the moment oh I really like that I'm a big fan of that and I think that it's very classic for people to think that they need to work at the same output all the time and it always needs to be a hundred percent and it always needs to be this otherwise you're not going in the right direction or whatever and I actually think understanding life and our years in seasons and everything is a really good way to look at that so that you're not kind of constantly feeling like you always have to be 100 miles per hour.

6:20I always start by asking guests a little bit about their early life so that we can get a little bit of context on you and who you are and the position that you are coming from when you're talking about these things. I know you've talked about how your life changed a lot when you were around age 15. Could you talk to me a little bit about that? Yeah. So funny when you were talking about like the, you know, always being on, that's definitely who I was when I was younger. I thrived under pressure. I thought being busy kind of meant successful as well. And, you know, I'm South Asian. So from a very young age, that always achieving and my worth being tied to, you know, A stars or being the best in class, it was just wired into me.

7:01And then I was also in a very sporty family. So I played badminton for my county, my country. So, you know, that's also a very competitive environment. But I loved it. I did really like it. And my prospects for taking that very far was great. And then yeah, at about 15, I basically just was developing some symptoms that in my stomach, just constipation, hurting a bit, kind of normal, might have been a stomach bug. And then when I went to the doctor, I was diagnosed with something called ulcerative colitis, which, you know, it's quite a common disease, actually. It's an inflammatory bowel disease.

7:34But the hard thing about it is there's no cure. And so, you know, being quite young, faced with that type of a, I guess, ultimatum is tough. But I had a pretty positive mindset. I was like, cool, let's deal with it. And as time went on, just things got worse and worse and worse. And I sometimes struggle to like try and explain what it's like living with a disease like that so I mean all I can really do is let's say it's like a day in my life when I'm in like a flare which is you know when you're pretty ill there was no night or day I didn't know when I was sleeping when I was awake I was going to the loo maybe yeah like 30 times a day and it's just it's but it's pure like blood there's just no relief and then when you have a tiny bit of relief you then just fear it happening again and you know you get put on steroids you try every possible thing whether it's diets whether it's I remember like once I even went through this like fecal transplant thing which was illegal in the UK and but you're so desperate you want to try anything right and yeah just on like 60 tablets every day but at the same time I was going to school I was I remember I used to go in with these like adult nappies on and just pretend like nothing was happening I don't know I think as a as a woman and a young girl, like talking about going to the loo or like stomach pain.

8:56Like no one really does it, right? You know, everyone's always just like, oh, I'm under the weather. They don't say what's going on. And so I just had to hide that for so many years of my life. And so look, like it's obviously a very long story short, but this was happening for most of my teenage years for maybe like five to six years, just in and out of hospital the whole time. And I guess that just breaks you as a person. mentally I went from a very confident person with so much like light for life I had that fire I had that like ambition and just aliveness you know you'd walk into a room people like wow like she's super bubbly that just all went all of it I you know I had nothing behind my eyes I just yeah I just I guess was surviving or existing or trying not to really and then I think this is where I I really discovered the power of the mind, not through just like one moment.

9:49I think there was a combination of different people I'd met or different practices I had done. But really, the most, I guess, transformative one was just when I was in hospital. And this nurse, she was like, oh, like, where would you be if you weren't here? And basically, I had just gone into uni, which is super exciting, but I couldn't go because I was just really unwell. I was like 38 kilograms at the age of about 18. God. Yeah. So like physically, there was just no possibility. and when she said this question to me I just was like that is so insensitive like how rude like I've been here for so many weeks now and that's what you're going to ask me so I told her to leave but I kind of pondered on the question because well where would I be and for so long I used I used that question as like a oh my god I hate everyone else because they get to do all these things and I don't and I was stuck here so I guess I used that opportunity to close my eyes and and I just saw myself walking again that was it I there was nothing anything big I just wanted to see like what does like a healthy Maya look like seeing myself smile seeing myself back at home with my dog it was tiny things but it showed me that what if something else could be possible and yeah and then I basically left hospital I trained with neuroscientists athletes psychiatrists psychologists I went on courses I read every book under the sun I mean for me visualization has been a thing that has really helped me through this whole process and really strengthening the mind the body but also like changing the relationship with myself and the disease which meant that you know I did get better I got to go to uni and I continued to practice the things that were working and for me that was the mind and when you think about that time and you think about how the role visualization played it is a really profound thing to say that that was the thing that got you out of hospital and that was what like made the difference for you do you like if you could this is genuinely just asking from like an interest point of view like if you could pinpoint how much of you getting better you felt like was really you know breakthroughs or certain things that you were kind of having in in hospital versus you being able to be in the right mindset and visualizing that improvement and visualizing yourself out of hospital and all of that I'm really interested in it because I fully believe that mindset impacts a lot and at the same time your body was against you so you know that's tough to deal with as well but I'd be really interested to hear about that from your point of view yeah I think you know sometimes when I say my story I think it can seem like that one thing changed everything and I and I'd be naive to say that yeah visualization was the thing that did it but you know truthfully there's so many things that are gonna have a role to play my diet my my lifestyle even just like not hanging out with certain people all those things also make a difference I think you know I agree with you that if we just take a step back and think like when when it comes to being human and getting through something the mind is capable of so much and because the mind often controls what the body wants to do as well like if we can start to influence how your mind is thinking then actually like you're giving yourself the best chance to do it and and I think there's so many ways to do it you know I've heard people who use laughter or meditation and there's not like a one size fits all I think partly I enjoyed the visualization and I was feeling changes and differences but also I guess I learned a lot like you know when I first started doing it people would be like to me Maya just be positive like you know yes you've got this disease but just be positive in life and I just didn't get that I just was like what's there to be positive about don't force me to feel grateful when actually I'm not I can't eat I can't walk why would I be grateful and so it wasn't really about having just positive thoughts it was like how can I have a more positive relationship with my mind so that it wasn't like this weapon that was like destructing me which it was doing initially instead it became this like tool that could help me here's how I'm going to frame it I don't think we can you know factually say that a positive mindset is going to get you to where you are but what I can say is a negative mindset will definitely not get you yeah where you want to go I completely agree with that and I will also say that like as someone who my family's very like no nonsense and very much like quite far from talking about things like mindset and all of that and I think that I've had that so deeply ingrained and actually my first experience of like truly terrible mental health was I only picked up on it at the point where I started having physical reactions in my body like I had a full anaphylactic shock everything swelled up completely to the point that I couldn't like bend my fingers like you know I had rashes everywhere all of this and there was nothing it was just the mental state I was in and I was like the fact that it's taken me to get to that point of seeing physical things to actually take it seriously I think does reflect on how much we deprioritize a lot of our mental state it is actually really interesting because that's something I've had to definitely unlearn.

15:18One of the things you've said is that from a lot of your research, you've noticed really the difference between mental health and mental fitness. I'd love for you to talk a little bit about the difference in those two things. Well, I guess if you've got a mind, you've got a mental health. I always compare it to the body. So like, you know, we all talk about our physical health. Is it good or bad? It's pretty like black and white, you know, it's like on a scale. But you're only physically fit if you're let's say going to the gym maybe doing pilates maybe doing like a HIIT workout or like dancing whatever it might be but then if we ask ourselves what do we do to stay mentally fit no one really knows like we don't actively or proactively spend time actually training the brain but we do that for our body and it's not a fault of our own you know if I looked and I'm sure you're the same at school we go to PE class right that is compulsory but mental fitness was never really a thing physical fitness yeah we all did it netball might have been like I don't know the parachute game you did it from such a young age but there was nothing for the mind and so the reason I like mental fitness and I think it's actually helpful to pioneer this new narrative around training the mind is because I think we're a little bit stuck talking about mental health like I meet people and the first thing they'll say is like yeah I've got anxiety and my thing is like okay but like what are you doing about it but it stops there there's there's very little like empowering ideas of no I want to take control of it and I think mental fitness reminds us that not only are our minds dynamic and they do require exercise but I think it's like the sexiest thing we can do for ourselves when you're like mentally fit that is so attractive you know like looks fade But if you are someone who can manage your emotions, can you can you like go for your goals and not burn out in the process?

17:10Are you able to set boundaries like that is so attractive, but that requires work. None of us are just born with that. And so I think the more I use the term mental fitness, I think it's more action orientated. And people like they have energy to it rather than like this is my mental health. So that's a really key difference. Yeah, I think that's really interesting. because I think that people can be so averse to taking in different approaches to, I mean, people were averse to talking about anything to do with mental health until a few years ago, but taking in different approaches towards mental health and what you talk about as mental fitness because it feels, it still feels within this bucket of kind of, you know, things that we either don't talk about or don't believe to be big enough issues when actually we know that we you know we know that suicide rates are you know really really terrible we know that people you know are struggling with mental health kind of diagnosis more than ever and actually all of the things you said about like actually all of those things if you are mentally fit you can control your emotions you can reach things without getting burnout because you know how to deal with your boundaries and you know all of this we everyone would agree with all of that like everything out of that is things that I would absolutely want to be able to do and yet I spend a lot of time in the gym trying to be physically fit and actually the difference is that I don't I don't think I prioritize that in a way because I see prioritizing that probably subconsciously I'm subconsciously probably like actually no I don't need to spend time on that because I'm fine and actually all of those things that you say are things that I want to be able to achieve and are things that I don't have complete control over now it's also about getting better.

18:54Like, I love meeting people who are doing great, and they just want to be even better. And actually, if you look at like the best athletes in the world, they prioritize their mental fitness, because they're like, I know I'm great, but I just want to be like, even better, even if it's 1%. And I think it's also worth mentioning that, you know, you've got mental health, which is the state of your mind, you've got mental fitness, which is the active maintenance of good mental health. You've also got mental illness. Now, that is actually not my expertise. I'm not a mental health professional. So that is when you get a diagnosis and you may need to go to a doctor or, you know, go on medication, fine.

19:31Then you've got mental weakness. And mental weakness is where I go through that, where some days you're a bit more tired. And so, you know, you may just feel a bit sadder and you, you know, your mind is just maybe not as sharp and that's okay. But when you're mentally weak, you have the tools for mental fitness to bring yourself back to mental health. Right. And something a lot of people don't like when I say this, I get told so often, yeah, Maya, I go to the gym for my mental health. I'm like, it's just not enough. Like, it's like, yes, it helps. Don't get me wrong. I think going to the gym is so good.

20:04And of course, we feel better. But your mind is half your health. It's half of it. So we've actually got to spend a bit more time understanding actually what strengthens the brain. How can we rewire it in a different way? And I think combining the two is where you really get this edge in life. Yeah. So it can be a tool to help, but it is not the only thing you should be doing in order to keep mentally fit. So let's talk about that then. What would you say the pillars are of mental fitness? So I think I think mental fitness is a huge term, right? You go anywhere and everywhere with it. So when I started doing my work, I think the thing that really helped me was just to compare it to physical fitness.

20:45I think we all get it so I was like let's mirror it so first and foremost and I'm sure you'll agree consistency like no one gets abs or muscle overnight you've got to work at it you've got to do the reps it's the same with your mind you know if you do let's say one visualization or one bit of breath work like once a month you might change your day but it's not going to give you that sustainable long-term mental health or fitness so consistency is number one and that can just be two minutes a day. I'm not asking you to do an hour. It's just two minutes. That's it. Then we have diet. You know, like we all know with physical fitness, if you're going to the gym, but you're not, maybe you're eating like McDonald's every day or fried chicken every day, you're not going to feel amazing.

21:27In the same way, your mental diet is, what do you watch? Who do you speak to? Are you just gossiping all the time? Are you complaining? Are you watching things that make you compare yourself? We've got to be careful what we feed our mind, feed it with the good stuff. And that includes your self-talk. It includes things like that. Then you've got cardio. Cardio is as simple as if you don't use it, you'll just lose it. So engaging the brain, whether that's debates, quizzes, reading, things like that. Then we've got our rest. You know, you have rest days in physical fitness, same with your brain.

22:02Do you give it the time to just switch off? Whether that's going into nature, connecting, might be sleep, meditation, and then strength training which is really where you're building the muscle you are making it better you're making it stronger and that's where things like visualization learning new things that rewiring process is really key and I know you talk about how the strength training of our brain gets harder after 25 why is that I think it's just like if you if you think about when you're young you know you haven't like been in the world very long so your brain is it's so open to learning it's so malleable so like different things people say that's how your brain starts to learn how to navigate the world as you get older because we've repeated this so much then it gets pretty permanent you know by the age of 25 you kind of know what you like dislike your values you've been probably living with your family or parents you've been at school for so long so these thoughts and beliefs are pretty wide in there and the more permanent something is the harder it's going to be to change I kind of see it as like it's like a road you drive on if you drive on that road every single day you know yes if you let's say go to another road you've got to keep going on that one which is why as we're older we've got a lot more permanent roads in our brains so we just need a bit more I kind of call it aggressive mental training to actually change it it's not just like a quick thing.

23:31And so I think, yeah, as we get older, just because they're more wired in there.

23:59and find your freelance expert. That's U-P-W-O-R-K dot com. Post a job for free and get started today. What's up? Grace from the Working Hour podcast here, and I want to tell you about something exciting. You're watching every dollar, and Walmart business helps you stretch each one. From office supplies to snacks and cleaning gear, you'll get everyday low prices, plus easy bulk ordering and fast delivery. And with tools like spend tracking and multi-user accounts, staying organized is simple. Save time, money, and hassle at business.warmart.com. It's free to sign up. At Walgreens, we know flu season can feel a little chaotic.

24:33So we're going to give you our flu info. In a meditation, keeping you calm, just like a certified Walgreens pharmacist will do if you're a little, little nervous. So walk in or schedule an appointment and Walgreens will handle the rest. That's the human kind of help. Walgreens. Vaccine subject to availability. State, age and health related restrictions may apply. So let's talk about, obviously we're doing this part of a series on 2025 and going into your best 2025. Let's talk about a kind of routine. If you were talking to someone now being like, this is how you're going to keep up your mental fitness and make sure that you are actually building your mental fitness over this year.

25:20What routine would you suggest to put in place? because I completely, you know, I think lots of people will really hear what you're saying. And then it's like, OK, how do I actually do that? How do I get that into my life? Because my life's already quite busy and, you know, I want to be able to act on this. I'm not going to just sit here and be like, right, this is the perfect routine, because I think everyone's brains are a bit different. We're all coming at different stages. So I think what I guess what I'm about to say, I think take what maybe will resonate most. So one thing that despite anything that kind of happens in life and life obviously does happen, the one thing that we can really invest in and control is our character, like really working on who do I want to be?

26:00And a lot of people might think, yeah, but how's that my mental fitness? But who you are is the way you think, feel and perform. So if you can start to take a bit more ownership of that and actually intentionally say, right, every morning I'm going to close my eyes. And I do this, by the way, every day I close my eyes and I just see, OK, like, Maya, how do you want to walk into a room today? What's the energy you want to bring? How are you going to be braver? How are you going to be just one percent more confident? And so really developing my character through visualization before I do it, because otherwise we just act on autopilot.

26:31Right. So that's super important. And I think, you know, in terms of actually integrating in that to your routine, three, four minutes a day. that's it when you wake up before you know get changed brush your teeth you do your dental you know hygiene you do your physical do a bit of mental and just even if you're laying in bed I don't mind but just close the eyes and really see yourself and connect to it like get excited to be that person in the world and that's going to help you that despite everything that's going on whether it's work family friends you know I'm building trust in my character and that is fundamental And how does that differ from something like meditating in the morning?

27:08So meditation is, it's a more passive mental process where you're calming down, you know, like the road analogy. It's like you're calming down the traffic, you're slowing down the thoughts, you are creating a bit of calm. Visualization or mental rehearsal, it's where you're using your thoughts for a more deliberate outcome. So I'm not asking you to just like be super peaceful. I'm asking you to create new images, ideas so that the more you do that you can start actually becoming that person so there's a deliberate outcome and you may feel inspired you may feel excited you may feel peaceful that's great because there are many different types of visualisation but if I was going to say where to start I'd really start with that especially 2025 like we can take control and ownership of that part and so if you were to describe visualisation to someone who's never heard it before what is it and also how does it even work I know you talk about how it changes your subconscious so that you can work towards certain things and so that you can work towards being a certain way could you just explain that a little bit especially for anyone who's listening to this being like I have heard the word visualization and I'm gonna assume I'm gonna hate it yeah I so I get this a lot people hear visualization either they'll be like oh no no like I don't manifest this is not for me so visualization at its core is where you are mentally rehearsing images environments feelings in your mind before they've happened the thing is it's not something new that i'm bringing to the world right it's been there for centuries and actually if you look at or listen to the top top athletes take ronaldo serena williams michael phelps when you listen to how do they build that champion mindset they all say i would visualize my race i would visualize myself going on court like even the other day i saw this video of venus williams just being like before every match i would visualize my process how i wanted to play if i was losing what would i do then and all of them do it it's a common denominator yet it's never really trickled down to any of us and the reason it's so powerful is because you know as complex and incredible as our brains are they basically really struggle to know if something is real or imagined now this is where some people are like, oh, okay, cool.

29:23So if I just think about 10 million pounds, I just get it. And I'm like, no, that's not the point. You know, we'd never say like Michael Phelps manifested 26 golden medals. We'd never say that. And so seeing it as a neurological training technique is key. And there are five types. You've got outcome, which is for goals, results-based process, which is basically to make a process like public speaking, or it might be a sport, better. creative which is really good for managing emotions injury disease negative which is where you're seeing the worst case scenarios but you're seeing yourself overcome them which is great for performance and motivation and then lastly explorative which is what the likes of nikola tesla einstein what they use to basically create new ideas and problem solve so in fact let's just do like a 30 second thing just to kind of show that science of the brain because it's really interesting when you can experience it so this isn't like specifically mental fitness but we can Close your eyes for me.

30:20Okay. And I just want you to imagine that you are in your kitchen. And you walk over to the fridge. You open the fridge. And inside, there's half a lemon. So it's just sitting there. It's very bright. And just hold it in your hand so you can feel it's quite cold. Got a tough yellow skin. And I want you to just now start smelling it. So smell the lemon. It's very fragrant. It's a bit sour. You can already smell it. It's quite citrusy. now taking this lemon i want you to start squeezing the juice of it drop by drop into your mouth i want you to feel it when it lands on your tongue it's so sour it's so cold even some might squirt in your eye and just really start squeezing all of that lemon it's so tangy and your saliva might be going a bit weird your cheeks maybe have that like weird fuzzy feeling keep going squeeze it all in your mouth all of it until it's empty okay and open your eyes for me there's so much lemon in my mouth isn't that the weirdest thing right it's so weird like i i just do that like 30 second thing to just show you like you're obviously not holding a lemon yeah but yet the mind because it doesn't know if it's imaginary or not your body reacts you think it is and because you've obviously eaten a lemon in your life before that road is like the neurons are like hello and it's so it's fascinating right yeah it's so interesting say when i was first online on social media and i was like terrified that people would say you're too like this or you're too like this or whatever even thinking that had happened or like would happen gives you the same feeling as if it has and it's like i you know it's the same as the kind of sayings like so there's a few so first of all worry is worshipping the problem worrying is praying for what you don't want which i think is very true like you put your you experience something twice because you worry about it and then you also experience it when it happens if it happens worry is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength which I think is a really good one because it's so true like you make yourself experience these things twice a lot of the time and you really have to talk yourself out of these cycles that you get into because I have it the whole time I'll be like oh well what if this happens and then this happens and then you know a lot of things go wrong at work classic having a business and I'm constantly like oh well then if this is delayed then this is going to happen and I have the actual visceral experience of it as if it's already happened and then it's like well how am I expected to go about the rest of my day when I've just ruined my own day by something that didn't even happen and I think a lot of us do that and it's if you can believe that that's the case then you can also believe the benefit of visualizing the opposite yeah and I think I think most honestly like I think people are already very good at visualization we just we just do it in the wrong way like I remember someone was like to me oh I don't get why you know when I go on stage and I do public speaking or like in a meeting why like I panic so much and really it's because before she even did it she would literally mentally rehearse that happening because it happened once and once it happened once that is literally the experience she would repeat again and again and we all do it whether it's like you know I don't know someone rejecting you or you asking someone on a date and they say no we that's what we replay but you've got to ask yourself like okay what if this goes wrong what if I fail but what if actually you learn something what if it goes better than you thought and if you allow your mind to see that then imagine how you enter that situation you'll be a bit more confident you will be a bit more open you might be more resilient as well but if we go in with that like okay I've just seen like 10 times now this is all going to go wrong cool how you think is going to absolutely influence how you feel how you feel will influence how you act how you act will literally influence your personality so it just goes round and round well I think I think that's a really good point because I think that I was going to ask you about the difference between this and overthinking because I can imagine that someone who overthinks a lot of different scenarios or whatever their day is and they've got a big presentation or whatever and they overthink what's going to happen or what happens if it goes right what happens if it goes wrong and all of this and I was going to ask you the difference between that and overthinking but I guess what I'm getting from you is that it is a way of thinking but it is using your overthinking positively so it is like so you might overthink this going this is going to be bad this is going to be bad subconsciously talking yourself into over and over how bad or nerve-wracking or whatever it might be this is going to be whereas actually this is instead using that energy that you put into your brain to think about this a lot instead to think about how great it's going to go yeah and I think this you know it brings up the fact that not all visualizations do the same thing right like if I'm doing a creative visualization for managing anxiety that's not really to do with your overthinking it's a completely different technique but there's two things I'm actually going to say to this one overthinking like nearly 99 % of the time is under feeling if you catch yourself overthinking about something someone you are not letting yourself feel something so ask yourself what am I avoiding feeling because your brain from just one emotion can have like a thousand thoughts and it likes to distract us from actually feeling maybe something a bit uncomfortable like fear and instead it will be like what if what if what if right so always ask yourself what am I under feeling and two it's exactly that we're making a more productive relationship with our thoughts and I think the worst thing to an overthinker is to be like just try and calm the mind down like that's like the worst thing to say to them but instead yeah learn how to use your brain be be on its side and and I think like if I through my research of like when I really go dive deep into like champion mindsets the thing I notice is that they become like best friends with their brain it's not to say that sometimes it's the relationship is hard but like you know they they learn to allow their mind to be on their side whereas so many of us we just like we're like oh for goodness sake I'm thinking bad about myself again or I'm judging myself we're so kind of mean to it whereas actually if we can become friends with it and learn just like any relationship the language of it imagine what could be possible yeah no I think that is a really really good point and i think that there's it's so exhausting overthinking and going around in circles and also it's exhausting kind of times too because you're annoyed about the fact that you're overthinking and then you're annoyed about the fact that you let yourself overthink and then it's kind of like and you're annoyed about the thing that you were thinking about in the first place and actually you're so right that we can be so hard on ourselves and actually end up overthinking about the fact that we're overthinking and all of this and it really does go around in circles and you start to think oh I'm not a good person because I have these mental traits or because I do this and it's a natural habit of mine rather than like okay let's rebuild this have you there's this amazing like parable in like I think it's like Buddhist scriptures and it's this idea that when we experience something like overthinking or maybe something bad happens we get sad it's like an arrow like hits us in our arm and that's like the pain fine all humans experience that but the point of this story is that they were saying that what we're very good at is continuously putting a second arrow in the first point of pain so that's when we judge ourselves being sad we we think we're a bad person because perhaps we felt a little bit weak here or things like that and then they explain that actually that's the suffering bit that's what keeps the that mentality there longer and the point is actually we don't have control over the first arrow that's human but we do have more control of the second one so can you maybe ask yourself how can i catch that second one and maybe replace it with something else just let it go but i really love this idea of kind of like visualizing that idea of why am i being so mean to myself like it's okay if i'm overthinking how can i maybe slow my mind a bit down or use it in a different way and so i love this idea of catch the second arrow.

38:33Let the first one do what it needs to do, but catch the second one. Yeah, I really, really like that. Tonight's meal, tilapia surprise with boiled cabbage. Begin cooking steps one through 50 now. Are you kidding me? Making dinner shouldn't feel like doing a thousand piece puzzle. With Blue Apron's new one pan assemble and bake meals, the hard part's already done. Pre-chopped ingredients, zero stress. Just assemble, bake, and enjoy. No complicated steps, no mountain of dishes. Try assemble and bake today. Get 20 % off your first two orders with code APRON20. Terms and conditions apply. Visit blueapron.com slash terms for more.

39:11We're going to go on to listener questions. I asked in my Instagram broadcast channel, which is the place I get all information ever about anyone who listens to anything I do, exactly what questions they would like answered by you and when talking about mental fitness and when talking about how do we actually go into 2025 with the right mindset we need to actually succeed. So we're going to go through them. Nice. A few dilemmas in here, a few little. You'll see. OK. So the first one is I work in a high stress job and find it so hard to control my emotions when I'm exhausted. What would you recommend?

39:47Can we ask another visualization? Yeah, absolutely. Be like, get me visualizing. 90 seconds. So this is, okay, so just with some context, emotions are energy in motion, right? A lot of us try and think them away. We try and like drink them away, eat them away. It's just energy. It's energy in motion. And have you seen Inside Out? Yes. Okay, so that's basically what we're going to do. But with visualization, we're going to make your emotion like a character or an object or a shape, and then using your mind, we'll slowly let it dissolve. So in this process, you're feeling it and healing it. In fact, this is so funny.

40:20I was in university maybe five years ago and for some reason in my like girl group we shared this one post I'm pretty sure it must have been from either Tala or Shreddy one of them being like feel it to heal it and genuinely like that has become such a big part of what creative visualization does as well you'll see it yeah I know five years ago okay so to this person when you feel slight exhaustion or stress or anxiety try this out so close your eyes and let's first start by just taking a big deep breath breathing in and a big exhale out okay now I just want you to think about a situation recently or maybe it's coming up that perhaps causes a little bit of discomfort so it might be a bit anxious it might be overwhelmed maybe there's just some tension in your body and you can even think about if it's a person anything and just allow it to come to the present and notice where in your body do you feel it is it in your head is it in your chest maybe it's in your gut now instead of running away from this or trying to suppress it we're going to make this feeling tangible for the brain so I want you to give it a color or maybe a shape maybe it's like an animal or a character be as creative as you want I sometimes have like a red fire or maybe it's like a icy blue ball.

41:49Maybe it's like a lion, whatever it is. Just see that in your body. And because emotions are energy in motion, we're just going to let it actually release energy. So let it get tighter, let it get hotter, let it get fiercer, whatever it needs to do. You're like totally safe, your mind is in control. So really just feel the emotion, sit with it, be with it. And yes, it can be a bit uncomfortable, but just feel it. And now using your mind, slowly I want you to let it get smaller and smaller and smaller. Whether you need to pour water on it, you need to kick it away, just start letting it dissolve till it's now the size of a tiny, tiny pea.

42:33It is so small. And taking one more deep breath, breathing in. As you exhale, let it completely dissolve now. create space calmness and relief from that emotion and you can open your eyes wow I really enjoyed that would you like a job as reading me bedtime stories I you know it's the best thing about like emotions creative visualization I'm such an emotional person I feel things so deeply I'm very sensitive and I always suppress them and I think that's also part of the reason the disease even came but you just need 90 seconds with something like this to feel it and release it even if it's just like 10 % more and that's where like people always ask me like how do I do it and that's partly the reason I even was like okay I need to write a book or start scripting these because it means that people can actually take it and do it for themselves yeah so whenever you feel that I sometimes do this on the tube.

43:36Like it's such a great way to just feel it and release. And you do just feel a bit more lighter and calmer. So then you can be a bit more rational with how you want to go forward. Yeah, I really, really love that. It's so interesting because I actually had a really positive experience with hypnotherapy. Yeah. Which I, again, I mean, I don't need to say this so many times, but like I can't tell you how completely other side of the spectrum I grew up and kind of have always thought. and actually it's so interesting because the way they talk about hypnotherapy is the fact that you know if you if your amygdala in your brain which is the part that holds trauma I believe and was like this then a few some of your sides up like this and when one of them is triggered it basically makes them all go up like this and the way it was explained to me was that sorry for people listening on audio I'm making funny hand signals you can open Spotify if you're on Spotify and it will show you but basically what happens is that through hypnotherapy you're able to basically just like make these stand down a bit and it's so interesting because the way it worked actually was we talked through various different bits of like whether trauma or just like bad memories or whatever it might be to actually like lower those things and throughout the experience of hypnotherapy it uses a lot of visualization yeah and it's so interesting because there were certain things where before that point I couldn't even talk about certain things without like crying or like you know physically getting upset and actually since that it's not that things you know don't affect me but it's actually crazy how many of those things after that point I'd actually be able to just like talk about and just be able to talk about like without that emotion attached to it and you could see the way that it's actually made it go like that and actually that was so interesting to me because I was like, God, way to take a skeptic and be like, no, this is how your brain works.

45:27And you just need to get some of those spiky bits back down. That's it. And I think the body always remembers, right? And it's like the more historical your trauma or that memory is, the more hysterical your emotions will be, right? That's why we get triggered by things. But I think you raised the really important point, which is that you've got to experience it. It's like us being like running is so good for you, but then you never go for a run. and it's also the case that it might not be for you and that's okay. But try it. Just try it and see if it can help. Yeah, no, I really like that. The next one is, how long does it take to build actual confidence?

46:01I feel like I've been trying for ages and not making progress. Ooh, confidence. So the first thing I'd say is, are you trying to build confidence or self-confidence? Self-confidence is where you can walk into any room and you can just trust yourself. You can be the quietest one there, but you like yourself, you know yourself. self confidence is when you might be getting a bit more external validation like wow you did this so well and things like that so make sure that the focus is on building self-confidence more than anything two it's obviously a skill now I still practice confidence because I lost it well I used to have it then I lost it and that was really scary building it back up it's a process but it's something that you have to build and then maintain because if you're in a new situation or perhaps you feel a bit hurt of course your confidence is gonna get knocked like today I face like a massive rejection in the morning and like I could just I could tell like whether it was my confidence my worth it just obviously it goes a bit down but you have to ask yourself you have to kind of like it's like a bank you have to deposit all those things that you know about yourself that you can genuinely say yes I trust this about my character and remember that and then build up from there.

47:14So if you've been trying to be confident for a long time, make sure you're defining it for you, not someone else. Because I think confidence is actually super quiet. I think it's so quiet. It can be very loud, but real self-confidence is quite quiet. And for, I mean, I don't know if you've tried visualization for that, but I definitely did character visualization for this. Even my background on my phone is like a version of me that it's not me, but it's like, it's called the Batman effect. It's where you see yourself as like a character. And by seeing that every day and being like, okay, shoulders back, how does she walk into a room?

47:53And I just did this maybe four minutes a day. That's it. And with time, you start telling your brain, this is how I want to feel. This is how I want to act. And I just go step by step, but everyone can build confidence like that. I am so certain of no matter where you are remember it's a skill and think of it as little votes you're going to take for yourself so your self-image your self-talk and then your performance those are the three things that are going to contribute to your confidence so if you can start with that confident self-image visualize that self-talk this is like the best thing I've ever done Michael Phelps used to say that he whenever he walked through a door he'd just say one thing about himself that made him feel good and think about how many doors you walk under every day.

48:38I just love it. I think it's such a simple thing you can do today to just help you remember who you are. And then lastly, your performance. I think that's probably the last thing that will change, but that's how you can kind of hack that cycle. Oh, I really like that. How do you stick to an improved mindset without falling back into your old routines? You do fall back. You fall back because it's familiar. It's safe. And I don't think it is plain sailing. When I first wrote my book and I gave it to my sister to read, She was like, this just doesn't look accurate. And I kind of agreed because I missed out the part that was like, when you are on this journey, there are going to be so many moments.

49:14You do have the doubts. You do have the fears. You do go back to like your old ways. And yes, obviously, I train in mental fitness and I do and I teach others. But mental fitness isn't having perfect everything. It's just being able to manage it and be dynamic with it. And so what I would say is, yes, you will. I won't call it fall back. I'd say maybe it's like step to the side, you know, and it's just familiar. It's safe. So it's very human to do. But just ask yourself, do I want to stay here? Is there a bigger risk of me staying here and just having the same as everything has been? Or what's the risk in me maybe just going back to where I was?

49:53And the more you do that, you can level up. But nothing changes if nothing changes. So you've got to have the courage to keep remembering this is who I want to be. Yeah. You've got to keep remembering that. I really love that. So the next one is I tend to look at things I've already done to validate myself being unproductive or procrastinating. How do I stop that? So from the question, I think. I hope this doesn't come across harsh. This is what this is what my interpretation is. There seems to be a misalignment with like internal motivation and purpose. I think like yes you can use your past and experience to you know remember and give you confidence and competence that's great but as humans naturally we like to progress and that's an important part of of that so I think ask yourself well why are you procrastinating like what are you trying to avoid here a lot of people actually quite afraid of success they're afraid of their potential and what could happen but I think life's too short not to just try so as much as looking back is useful I think start to create what you want to do going forward who do you want to be and you know what are some of the things that make you feel alive and that's going to help you overcome this thing of being stuck in this little bit of a rut where it just feels like there's maybe a lack of inspiration or internal motivation to to do something no I think that's a really good response and I also think that like you know at different points within your own life whether you like sometimes you do just need to look at things you've already done and be like do you know what i can sit like i should sit back for a bit and i should relax it's obviously this person has noticed this as part of a cycle whereby they co-sign not working towards future things by being like i've done something before and it's like if you were seeing someone else doing that you'd be like yeah great absolutely and you can go on forever with that being the best thing you've ever done you absolutely can and that's a choice and you can decide that that's you know and that's very valid as well but if you also want anything else on top of that and you're continuously looking back at what you've already done and seeing that as a way to stop being productive or to stop moving in the direction you want to then you're wasting your own time yeah and and you've literally raised the point I'm super passionate about which is like you don't have to want to like be the best or perform like the best like you don't have to do that some people just want to feel content and I think it comes back to asking yourself like when I'm trying to improve myself what does that really mean at one point improving myself was yeah learning how to walk again now it might be building a global company but you've got to ask yourself yeah like what do I want and definitely take the time to go back and celebrate what you've done that's huge and I don't think enough people do that especially high performers we're always on to the next thing but it's just getting really clear of like how do I want to show up in this world and then align those actions to that last question and I think this one is a really really good one because I think this can be a real obstacle how would you go about aligning your new mindset with your partner that's a really good question I guess I can only answer this from kind of like personal experience but also what I've observed when you are on this journey of like you growing and you know changing naturally the people in your life you know they're not doing the same thing so it can feel a bit weird it's like you're in this middle page bit where you're not the person you used to be you're not the person you are or want to be just yet.

53:07And I think one, communicate, like share it with them. I think it's such an amazing journey to share with someone. And even if that doesn't mean you have to go into the details, just telling them like, I'm learning this about myself and like a really big thing. Tell them how you need support. That's really important because some people want to just do on their own. Some people actually want to share. Some people need someone to just be like, look, keep going. Like I'm noticing this in you. They want affirmation. So really actually communicate what do I need from you because that's important and then the other thing that I think I'd say is in relationships I think I love this idea of co-elevating together where naturally you grow someone else grows and so it helps the relationship grow and I think if you can go on that journey with someone it's also amazing but I think you have to do it individually too to really build the strength in yourself so when it comes to aligning that new mindset first you're gonna to have to get to know it right it's like a new thing you're gonna have to get to know who that is what that means and then just communicate that's all all that can really be done is communicate show create some empathy a safe space for it but I think it's an amazing thing and if they maybe question it or perhaps it feels like there's like resistance there I think you should be a little bit selfish and if this is what you need to heal or to grow that is what you have to do because there's no point us settling or dampening who we really want to be for someone else I totally agree and I think that although it's terrifying there is no doubt that especially in your 20s I would say a big reason for relationship breakdown is like quote-unquote outgrowing each other and or like growing in different directions or whatever it might be.

54:55And it's so true because we do all grow at different rates. And some people really want to be content with exactly what they have at that moment and aren't like, I want to work for this. I want to work for this. I want to work for this. And some people realize they are that type of person. And that is really, don't get me wrong, I don't think it's impossible, but that is hard to be aligned with. I think you don't necessarily need to want the exact same career or the exact same specific goals. But I do think you need somewhat similar mindset. And I think it both happens with friends and relationships.

55:25You can very quickly realize when you think you're outgrowing someone or something. And it is natural, too. And I think, you know, we've we've actually had our first episode back for the first one out of this January series. we were talking about the fact that actually you know we do talk about a lot how the five people you surround yourself most with are basically who you become like you become a combination of those five people and sometimes you know that happened and people grow at different paces and sometimes that doesn't work out and I think that's actually one of the most justifiable reasons for something not working out is do you know what like we want to build different lives and we are building different lives and we have different mindsets and I know that I couldn't for example like be in my relationship now without feeling like we were a genuine team because of how much of my life revolves around like where I want to get to and all of this and I think I would infuriate anyone who wasn't in that type of mindset because it would just be so annoying to them they'd just be like sit the fuck down so I think that it's you know it goes both ways and actually finding out what your right match is in terms of that.

56:34And you can elevate so much quicker as well by having people around you who you want to be more like. I think that's one of the biggest hacks for moving in the right direction. I mean, scientifically, it's your mirror neurons, right? Like when you are surrounding yourself with people like that, you tend to act like them or be like that. And that's just your brain kind of reflecting exactly the same thing. It's so, it's so, it's like a sponge. But one thing I also would say is growth is so messy. It's so messy. People do it at different times, ways, et cetera. So the other thing I'd say is sometimes we think that we won't share with someone the growth until it's like finished.

57:16But actually, even if it's just telling your partner, hey, look, like I'm kind of exploring this, like doing all of this. I don't really know what the answer is. I feel like I'm a bit confused and it's a bit overwhelming for me. I just want to tell you that. You don't have to have the answer to be like, Like, hey, I'm now this person. You know, it can just be, I'm also a bit stuck. I'm trying to do this. I'm doing my best. I just wanted to tell you. I just need you to just be by my side. And it's okay to admit that it's messy. Like this year I have lost so many people in my life. Partly because, yes, naturally you grow out.

57:50And partly because things happen. And it's just been like, I've also had to remember that as much as it feels like there's been this like shedding. fine it's now time to grow and you know the scariest thing was it's gonna sound really I don't know I I just don't laugh at the same things anymore and it was really scary I was like why am I not laughing with my friends how I normally do why do I not love sitting in the pub getting drunk and and it was just like bit by bit you're like okay I know I'm changing but I didn't realize this was also part of it and I can feel very lonely yeah but it's part of the process Yeah.

58:28So you're opening for new things to kind of come in. No, I really, really like that. And I think that's very aligned with a lot of the discussions we've been having on this podcast. And I think, you know, it can be uncomfortable. And as you say, growth is messy, but it's worth it. And likely you're going to, you know, you'll realize that over time. But it can be it can be hard. I've had big points in my life. I've just been like, OK, have I just lost half of my friends? Like, have I looking back? I'm like, you know, it wasn't a quick thing. but like has that actually just happened and actually it's never not been for the better despite the fact that was the worst grammar I've ever used to finish I'd love to know what the best piece of advice is that you've ever been given feel it heal it thank you yeah so I might give two one one that I think helps me in the realm of mental fitness is as simple as your mind is like a puppy and if you don't train it it's gonna shit everywhere like simple as it will shit on your relationships your career everything like it does i am obsessed with that i'm gonna get that tattooed if you see that tattooed across my forehead you know where it came from love it i think but it's so true and actually it kind of makes this journey more fun it does it does it's like a if you've got a dog just watch your dog like you've got to train it same with the mind And the other piece of advice, I think, well, for me, this year has been a lot about letting go.

59:51So it's going to be a bit like, I guess, aligned with that. Just this thing of like, once you've let go, like let go again. This is what my teacher told me, because we can hold on to a lot of things. And letting go is just a constant process. So keep letting go and keep keep training the puppy, which which is literally your brain. I really like that. Oh, well, thank you so much for coming on. I feel like that was the perfect episode to recalibrate. And, you know, we've been doing a lot of talking about reaching goals. I think that we can all agree that reaching goals is a lot harder and probably even impossible without being in the right mental state and doing that by improving, you know, mental fitness.

1:00:33So, yeah. And I think that puppy quote is the best thing I've ever had in my life. You can call the episode that. Yeah, exactly. No, thank you so much. Thank you. I've had an amazing time. Thank you.

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