Ep. 125 Why You’re Going Wrong In Relationships & How To Fix It (Attachment Theory, Explained)

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1:37What is up and welcome to Working Hard Hardly Working. Today is another one of our deep dive solo episodes and if you are new here these episodes give me a chance to deep dive into topics that have really changed the way that I think about like self-improvement, success, navigating work just life in general. I always do a ton of research and speak to experts so that you don't need to sift through all of the information out there and the idea is that they're a shortcut to theories that could genuinely help you to level up your life in any different area and that you can listen to them all in one like walk or one commute or while you're doing your dishes or your skincare routine in the morning but most of these episodes so far have been around mindset so habits confidence discipline but today we are venturing into the world of relationships and more specifically attachment theory.

2:22I remember when I heard about attachment theory for the first time, let's be honest, it was probably on TikTok and I couldn't stop thinking about it that whole week. But then also like since then, I feel like so much comes back to attachment theory and I'm pretty obsessed with the concept. So I really wanted to create an episode with a really kind of potted summary of it for anyone who's new to attachment theory or confused about what they might be doing wrong or right in relationships or just like needs a refresh. I genuinely believe that attachment theory can change your life when it comes to your relationships and your kind of self-awareness of where your tendencies come from and what your tendencies even are because I feel like a lot of relationships go wrong due to self-sabotage or you stay in relationships longer than you should and all of this comes back to attachment theory so I really hope you enjoyed this episode before we get into the episode I know this is not something you probably think about doing but will you go and hit the follow button on the podcast it makes such a difference to us when it comes to our work around the podcast and what we can really do with it, the guests we can get and all of that.

3:20So it helps us to keep bringing it to you every week for free.

3:30So let's start with the context. I think it's important to say at this point that I always thought that some people are just naturally good at relationships, like they know what to say, they can talk to the right people at parties, like they know when things aren't right. But I feel like if my 20s have taught me anything it is that nurturing relationships and friendships is 100 % a skill and one that can be learnt and you absolutely need to take it seriously and dig into your patterns and behaviours if you want to improve your outlook or attitude to relationships and how you operate within them.

4:01I think so many of us enter relationships with preconceived notions or like unrealistic expectations based on what we've seen when we're scrolling TikTok or like a cute montage of a couple out for dinner or on holiday or I don't know the timeline of their relationship but the reality of a healthy long-lasting relationship is quite different and if the theories I've looked at for this episode have taught me one thing it is that love is about understanding core principles like attachment styles and putting in consistent effort. Normally I'd go straight into the data now but instead we are switching things around a bit and I'm going to be diving straight into the theory because I feel like I can't give you the data about attachment theory without telling you what it actually is, without it sounding very confusing.

4:42So let's get into it. Attachment theory was first developed by British psychologist John Bowley, who researched the anxiety and distress that children experience when separated from their primary caregivers. Before Bowley, many thought this anxiety was related to feeding and nourishment, but Bowley wasn't convinced and he theorised that it was actually a motivational and emotional bond that had a huge impact on the child's relationships later in life. Essentially, Boley's idea is that primary caregivers who are available to their child's needs allow them to develop a sense of security which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world and make their own relationships.

5:18In the 1970s this was expanded by Mary Ainsworth into different attachment styles which characterise how you approach relationships as an adult. So I'm going to take you through them because I think they are really really interesting and central to this theory. Number one is secure attachment. Secure attachment is when as a child you felt comforted and safe as a result of your primary caregiver. So this is the A plus of attachment styles. In adults, this generally manifests as someone who can trust others easily, they can regulate their emotions, communicate openly in relationships, feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence and if you are one of these people, let me give you or your caregiver a big round of applause because surprise, surprise, I am fucking not.

5:58Number two is our old friend anxious attachment. This can also be called anxious preoccupied attachment or anxious ambivalent attachment. If the name doesn't make it clear, this describes children who would become anxious and sad when they were separated from their caregiver. In adults, anxious attachment creates a fear of rejection or abandonment. They essentially worry that their friends and partners don't love them. People with anxious attachment need approval from others to feel validated and they are also more prone to codependent tendencies and they often don't deal well with relationships ending.

6:28Okay, stick with me here if you feel like I've already aggressively added you. Number three is avoidant attachment. So in children this presents as being emotionally distant from your caregiver or they don't seek comfort but they also don't receive a huge amount back. In adults it shows up in a similar way. So bottling up your emotions, being scared of intimacy and peeling back the layers to show someone your vulnerability. Put it this way there is a big overlap in the Venn diagram between avoidant attachment and commitment issues. And finally we have disorganized attachment. So in children this is caused by emotional inconsistencies in their primary caregivers.

7:01They might be confused all the time or unsure of whether they'll get comfort they need. In serious cases this attachment style could be caused by abuse and neglect. In adults this attachment style can present itself in many different ways. Essentially you crave love and relationships but end up pushing people away when they want to get close to you. It can often lead to a mix of strong emotions in a relationship. And that is the four styles but I cannot leave you there with all of the information about your potential trauma and no actual advice on how to actually interrogate it and use it to improve your life.

7:30So let's get into the data. The good news is that studies from the University of Calgary have found that approximately 55 to 65 % of people have secure attachment style, while the remaining 35 to 45 % have insecure attachment styles, which is basically everything other than secure attachment style. I am going to go on a limb here and say that I do not believe this at all. I do not believe that 55 to 65 % of the population or the people tested were actually secure attachment style. I think a lot of people who are avoidant attached think they are secure attached. I'm just going to leave that there.

8:05I feel like if you know you've been with someone who's avoidant attachment, you will agree that they think they are securely attached. But like anxious, I feel anxious attachment. This is pure, this is like anecdotal sample size one of one and my experiences. I feel like anxious attached people really know they're anxious attached and I feel like avoidant attached people often think that they are secure attached and are less aware of like their tendencies when it comes to like pulling away or being very distant or being unable to like hit certain issues on the head without just running away from them.

8:37I'm not going to tell you which one I am so you don't know which side I'm like biased against but as I said it's not one of the secure ones. This all being said researchers are hesitant to label it as such clear numbers in terms of the statistics. It's also certainly true that you can display traits of different attachment styles at different times in your life. Again anecdotal evidence but I always think as well when you've been through a certain type of relationship like when you just come out of it you can often exhibit specific attachment styles based on that relationship. Like I have a friend who I will not name names and they are very secure attached and have always been very secure attached and have just had a series of particularly bad dating experiences and now they're suddenly acting pretty anxious attached and I think that's a reflection of the recent I guess like small traumas that they've experienced and so I do think that can happen as well from my zero science degree psychology brain but what we can say for sure is that the research in the journal of personality and social psychology revealed that adult attachment styles significantly influence relationship satisfaction and longevity and a meta-analysis in the Journal of Counselling Psychology showed that secure attachment is associated with better mental health outcomes, including lower rates of depression and anxiety.

9:50So how do we unlearn our insecure attachment styles and go about putting theories into practice? Or if you're a secure attachment style, how do you perhaps help someone else unlearn their insecure attachment styles so that you can have a great relationship with them despite the fact that they were not one of God's favorites and they therefore did not end up as a secure attachment. You walk in tired and hungry, one bad dinner away from losing it. You don't like to cook. You don't want more takeout. You just want something good. That's why there's Dish by Blue Apron. Pre-made meals with at least 20 grams of protein and no artificial flavors or colors.

10:29From fridge to fork in five minutes or less. Keep the flavor. Ditch the subscription. Get 20 % off your first two orders with code APRON20. Terms and conditions apply. Visit blueapron.com slash terms for more. What's up? Grace from the Working Hour podcast here, and I want to tell you about something exciting. You're watching every dollar, and Walmart business helps you stretch each one. From office supplies to snacks and cleaning gear, you'll get everyday low prices, plus easy bulk ordering and fast delivery. And with tools like spend tracking and multi-user accounts, staying organized is simple.

11:00Save time, money, and hassle at business.walmart.com. It's free to sign up. I'm no tech genius, but I knew if I wanted my business to crush it, I needed a website now. Thankfully, Bluehost made it easy. I customized, optimized, and monetized everything exactly how I wanted with AI. In minutes, my site was up. I couldn't believe it. The search engine tools even helped me get more site visitors. Whatever your passion project is, you can set it up with Bluehost. With their 30-day money-back guarantee, what have you got to lose? Head to bluehost.com to start now. Style. I have done a lot of research, scrolling and reading about this, but as I was writing this episode, I really just thought that I needed to also speak to an expert on this topic, as I feel like this is something that's so personal to everyone, and also it's something that I really like hearing from the best of the best experts on.

11:50If you know one thing about me, it's that I know where my limits end in terms of like knowledge and ability to judge these things. And that is where we bring the experts in because that is what we do best on this podcast. So I spoke to the amazing Julie Manano, a world famous couples therapist about how to heal your attachment wounds. And here is what she had to say. Attachment wounds from childhood are created when parents, even well-meaning parents who have emotional blocks from their own childhoods, aren't able to provide adequate emotional support to their child, which leaves the child's attachment needs unmet.

12:21And so you have a child that ends up carrying around limiting self-beliefs as well as a compromised ability to support and manage their own emotions. So if you can relate, healing these wounds from childhood is, first and foremost, a matter of reparenting yourself. If you didn't get the right kind of emotional support growing up, which is what creates insecure attachment between parent and child, that's going to cause you as an adult to have a hard time providing emotional support to yourself, which creates an insecurity within yourself. Nobody ever taught you how to support your own feelings.

13:01So you learn to fear them. You learn to fear being overwhelmed by them or rejected for having them to begin with or rejected for showing them. And then this left you with limited confidence in your ability to emotionally cope. So you had to learn to manage the emotional part of yourself by either anxiously trying to prevent pain or by stuffing the pain far out of your awareness, both of which interfere with self-connection and emotional intimacy with others. So fortunately, healing with your relationship with yourself is very possible with access to the right information and the willingness to put in the work.

13:42You build self-security by becoming secure in your ability to support your emotions with health. So you no longer need to act them out or hide them. This is a reparenting process that has four main components. One, learning how to access your vulnerable feelings somatically, which means as they arise on a physical level in your body. Two, to be able to name and organize your feelings. Three, to be able to self-validate your feelings, which is extraordinarily important when it comes to attachment wounds, or to learn how to reverse the negative self-beliefs you carry that are fueling shame, so that the shame will begin to dissolve.

14:29And you don't have to carry it around forever. And then once you're better equipped to access and process your emotions, this emotional work can be done directly with the pain surrounding the attachment wounds themselves, the unprocessed pain. If your parents or caregivers couldn't show up for you in the ways that you needed to not develop these wounds, you might need to accept any feelings of anger you have and find safe outlets to express it. And you definitely need to grieve the loss around what you needed but didn't get. Again, this isn't to say that if you have attachment wounds, this means your childhood was wholly bad or that your parents purposely hurt you.

15:10Most situations aren't so black and white. But still, there's enormous value in processing any leftover pain that does exist. So you don't just keep having to carry it around. So the icing on the cake here is that those who are willing to embark on the journey of healing their childhood attachment wounds and building self security, and it does take bravery, are going to see their relationship with others grow as well. and as you can imagine experiencing success in relationships contributes to even more emotional competence and self-security. I would so recommend reading Judy's book or following her Instagram if you're on a journey to shift your attachment style.

15:53She is incredible. And that is it for today's episode on attachment theory. I hope you found it helpful and maybe even feel a little bit more empowered to take small steps towards improving these skills. With this one I've really only scratched the surface so if you do want to dive deeper I've included a reading list with some of my favourite books and resources on this topic in the show notes. Also let me know if you'd like a longer full episode with the incredible Julie because I am obsessed with her. I followed her on Instagram for a while. I think the stuff she posts is so so interesting and I feel like attachment style is like one part of so many amazing things that she talks about with relationships that I have found super super helpful and I don't know I feel like putting work into relationship like we often talk about life improvement in terms of like healing old wounds and improving ourselves and all of this and like you cannot build a healthy relationship without healing things that you've been through before and without like thinking of your attachment style and working around your attachment style and being able to be self-aware of the fact that like hey just FYI I'm a bit more anxious attached so I often do this or I'm a bit more avoidant attached so if you do that I'm more likely to do this it's something I'm working on but please bear that in mind I feel like that's one of the best things that we can do for ourselves what I would also say is there is an amazing amazing amazing YouTube video that I have talked about on this podcast probably about five times before.

17:06It is by Alain Dubotton and it is this YouTube video called Why You're Probably Gonna Marry the Wrong Person or something like that. And it is, it doesn't talk directly to attachment theory but it is based on attachment theory and it is the most interesting TED talk. I watch it probably about once a year to refresh and it's all around how your like childhood experiences and relationship with your parents and caregivers and what you've been through influences the type of relationships you build now. And his whole thing is why you're probably going to marry the wrong person based on the fact that you're probably going to go towards the pain you know rather than the type of thing that you should go towards.

17:44And it is so interesting and I feel like everyone should watch it. So I highly, highly recommend watching that. I will put it in the show notes as well. But thank you so much for listening. And as always, let me know any episodes that you would like a deep dive on. These are some of my favourite, favourite episodes to do. and always here ready to learn more, ready to scroll TikTok for you guys. So thank you so much for listening. And as always, I hope you have a wonderful day.

18:21What's up? Grace from The Working Hour Podcast here. And I want to tell you about something exciting. You're watching every dollar and Walmart business helps you stretch each one. From office supplies to snacks and cleaning gear, you'll get everyday low prices, plus easy bulk ordering and fast delivery. And with tools like spend tracking and multi-user accounts, staying organized is simple. Save time, money, and hassle at business.walmart.com. It's free to sign up. At Capella University, learning online doesn't mean learning alone. You'll get support from people who care about your success. Like your enrollment specialist, who gets to know you and the goals you'd like to achieve.

18:55you'll also get a designated academic coach who's with you throughout your entire program plus career coaches are available to help you navigate your professional goals a different future is closer than you think with capella university learn more at capella.edu