Ep. 138 Why Do We People Please & What Can We Do About It? (The Science)

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1:43What is up? I'm Grace Beverley and welcome back to Working Hard, the podcast-shaped guidebook on how to improve your own life and achieve what you actually dreamed of doing because life's too short for boring podcasts and bad advice.

1:56What is up and welcome back to Working Hardly and it is that time of the month, it is deep dive episode time and as always I have done a ton of research and spoken to experts so that you don't have to sift through all of the self-improvement information out there. The idea with these episodes is that they are a shortcut to theories that could genuinely help you to level up your entire life and you can get them all in in one walk, commute or while doing the dishes. Everything is evidence-based and everything is designed to help you improve your life. So today we are diving into something that so many of us struggle with, people pleasing.

2:24The habit of constantly saying yes, feeling guilty when you say no, and tying your worth into the approval of others. It can be exhausting, let me tell you, I know from experience. And worse, I genuinely think it can hold you back from achieving what you actually want in life. I can say with confidence that I changed as a person when I became aware of my people pleaser traits. And I'm saying became aware of rather than fixed because it's not fixed and it is a journey. But in this episode, we are going to break down the psychology of people pleasing, why it happens and what science says about it and most importantly I'm speaking to the amazing psychotherapist Emma Reed Turrell all about how to manage your people pleasing traits and stop holding yourself back.

3:03If you enjoy this episode please go and follow this podcast on whatever app you're listening to it on. Only 12 % of our listeners actually follow us in platform probably because it's not something that you automatically think about doing but if you do you will get an episode drop in every Monday even without thinking about it which in my opinion is the perfect kind of habit to start the week with. You can also now very excitingly follow us on Instagram at workinghardpod. I really wanted to create a space for everyone who has listened to this podcast and who has this mindset around life improvement and learning about things that aren't just under this life improvement umbrella of say wellness but also includes things like finances and corporate and career Q &As all of that and also just a space for everyone who has listened to this podcast for over three years now to chat, share ideas, keep ourselves accountable, celebrate our wins and help each other.

3:45So that is at Working Hard Pod and I will see you there. So let's get into the context.

3:55People pleasing is something that so many of us struggle with but I think it often goes unnoticed because you literally get praised for doing it. Being nice, helpful and selfless are obviously seen as good qualities and I would say they are seen as expected qualities especially for women but when taken to the extreme and used at the expense of our own well-being they can impact your life so negatively. Quick disclaimer before we get into the science I am not a scientist I have a music degree would you believe but I do love learning as much as I can about these and all topics and speaking to experts so that we can all learn more together and start our weeks off on the right foot.

4:28And second disclaimer is that people pleasing does not equal just being a kind and polite person. They are two very different things and you can be a kind person whilst also having your own boundaries which is what we very much aspire to do so that we're not holding ourselves back and negatively impacting ourselves just to appear likeable to everyone else in every single moment of every single day. So psychologists define people pleasing as a behavioural pattern where someone prioritises others' needs over their own to avoid conflict, gain approval or feel a sense of belonging. I think there is one key takeaway from that definition and it is that as I've said people pleasing isn't just about wanting to be nice, it's motivated by fear, fear of rejection, fear of disappointing others or fear of not being liked.

5:11And in my research I found that like many ingrained behaviours people pleasing often stems from childhood. Essentially if you grew up in an environment where love and validation were conditional, meaning if you feel more accepted when you were good or helpful, your brain might have learnt that pleasing others equals safety. Again I think there's a gendered element here. How often as kids were we told to be good, nice and quiet girls whilst parents or teachers would say boys will be boys? If we're told that our worth is dependent on making other people happy, we internalise that and take that into womanhood.

5:41So how do we untangle this? We're going to start with the theories behind why we people please. Because as we know on this side of the internet, the more we understand something, the more likely we are to be able to overcome it. So firstly we're revisiting our old friend attachment theory which was coined by John Balby in 1969. We've done a whole episode on this theory and how it impacts your romantic relationships if you really want to get into it. But essentially, if you grew up with caregivers who were sometimes inconsistent or only affectionate when you behaved well, you might have developed anxious attachment, meaning you seek approval as a form of security, which is also known as people-pleasing.

6:13And if you thought that was enough of me telling you that people-pleasing was caused by our trauma, you are wrong. In 2013, Pete Walker came up with a theory called the fawn response, which is a lesser-known trauma response where instead of fight, flight, or freeze, you respond to stress by pleasing others to keep the peace. Essentially, if you find yourself constantly saying yes, avoiding confrontation, or feeling responsible for others' emotions, it may be because you've been wired to prioritise external harmony over internal wellbeing. So now we've got all of that happy, fun, trauma stuff out of the way, let's move on to the data.

6:46Once we start people pleasing, it is pretty hard to stop, so I've definitely found it one of the hardest habits to break. There are reasons why we just love nothing more than to people please, and I've split these into three parts. Number one is our brain's reward system dopamine. Neuroscientific studies such as a recent one in the Cognitive, Effective and Behavioural Neuroscience Journal show that getting social approval activates the brain's dopamine system, the same system that lights up when you eat pick and mix or win a game of articulate. This is pretty simple but it means that when someone praises you for saying yes or being accommodating despite it bulldozing your boundaries, your brain treats that as a reward, reinforcing the habit and encouraging you to say yes until infinity and you're just a pile of other people's responsibilities.

7:28Okay, so reason number two, which is called the cortisol connection. Research from the University of California indicates that the fear of rejection activates the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for the fight or flight response. So essentially, when we anticipate disappointing someone, our stress hormones spike and saying yes or agreeing to something you're actually not sure you want to do becomes a way to avoid the short-term discomfort, even if it's going to end up causing you more discomfort in the long run. And finally, there's the link to anxiety, A study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that individuals who habitually engage in people-pleasing behavior are more likely to experience increased stress levels and poorer mental health, including conditions such as anxiety and depression.

8:06So, once you enter the people-pleasing cycle, it often compounds and compounds, making it harder to stop. But do not fear. I'm not just going to leave you with all of this sad information and without any solutions. Let's actually get into how you start. The market's uncertain. Revenue's tied and hiring on hold. That's why results-driven companies are using Upwork to keep work moving. Go to Upwork.com today and start hiring proven freelance talent fast. No bulky overhead. No rigid long-term contracts. Just the right expert right when you need them. Work smarter and faster with Upwork. Go to Upwork.com now and find your freelance expert.

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9:09So I've actually found five strategies based on theories that I've tried and they do work for me. Definitely just give them a go yourself and see if they work for you. So number one is the pause and check-in rule. This is the simplest but most effective one in my opinion. Before saying yes to a request, whether that is a night out with a friend or a favour for someone, pause and ask yourself three questions. Do I need to do this? How will I feel after doing this? And am I being clear or evasive? There are obviously things that you won't want to do but need to do. So for example, if your manager asks you to do a key task at work or your partner asks you to finally do the dishes.

9:43But stopping people pleasing doesn't just mean you're not doing anything you don't want to do. It just means knowing when you're opting for the easy option in a social situation at the expense of yourself or the situation as a whole. If you've asked yourself those three questions and you're still unsure about whether to say yes or no, you can always respond with, let me get back to you. I think nowadays everyone expects immediate responses and replies and therefore immediate decisions, but this gives you time to evaluate your true feelings instead of automatically agreeing. I always think about Jasmine Larian, the founder of Colt Gaia who introduced me to her motto, clarity is kindness.

10:15It really is the antidote to people pleasing. For example, if you said yes to a social plan on a day where you know deep down it's at the end of a really busy week and you're likely to be too snowed under or to feel terrible and you're going to cancel at the last minute, it is much kinder to the other person to say with weeks to go or more time that you are not going to make it rather than putting off the disappointment to the last minute and letting them down and making yourself feel worse after. Okay, number two is the one sentence no practice. Saying no is a skill and it can often feel super overwhelming to elite people pleases like me but the best way to start using it is to choose a simple direct response and practice using it daily even if it's for minor things.

10:52Something like I'd love to but I just can't commit right now. Having a set sentence and repeating it helps actually build up your confidence and make saying no feel more comfortable to you before you actually build up to using the word itself. I know this sounds ridiculous but if you're still people pleasing you might not realize how much of a negative association you attach to just telling people no. So that might be you and it might be ridiculous but you might need to try it. Number three is to keep a log of every time you're proud of yourself for not people pleasing and setting a boundary. Each time you say no or set a boundary or say the hard thing that you've been putting off, write it down in your planner or the notes app on your phone.

11:27Over time this builds internal validation which boosts your dopamine away from the spike you get when you say yes to everything to everyone else and shows you tangible proof that standing up for yourself and what's best for you and your well-being rather than being evasive leads to better outcomes. Number four is to visualize yourself handling difficult situations. Now if you've listened to this podcast before you will know that I have recently been introduced to visualization. If you're unconvinced I'd recommend listening to our episode with Maya Raichura. I'll link it in the show notes. For an anti-people-pleasing visualization take two minutes to picture yourself calmly and confidently setting a boundary.

12:01So this might be before a big meeting or just as you're on your way to a social plan. This is gonna feel silly at first, but it works because your brain finds it hard to distinguish between imagination and reality. So this primes you to feel more capable when real life situations arise. If you're not quite open to visualization just yet, even writing down what you want to say can really, really help. I used to always do that before a meeting when I knew I needed to have a hard conversation and I still sometimes do this now. And finally, number five is to set yourself a daily me first challenge.

12:30Once a day, choose one small way to prioritise yourself instead of someone else. So whether it's choosing what you want for dinner or turning down something that doesn't serve you, I couldn't believe more strongly that small actions compound into lasting change. So if you people please less in your home life, you are less likely to want to do it at work or with your mates. I think it's important to say that these strategies do not always work when you're trying to run a business and be a good friend and manage a team and do 100 million things at once as we all need to do. Of course, running a scale up business or doing your job doesn't always love respecting boundaries but I think deep down we all probably know when we're being people pleasers versus when we just need to get involved and help someone out or prioritise clarity and taking the time to recognise that can make all the difference.

13:15Now as always it's time to speak to the expert. I spoke to Emma Reed Turrell, a psychotherapist and author of Please Yourself, How to Stop People-Pleasing and Transform the Way You Live about how to actually tackle people pleasing on a day-to-day level. Okay so how do we actually tackle people-pleasing behaviours on a day-to-day basis. The first step is to notice that that's what we're doing. Ask yourself, am I saying yes because I really mean it or am I saying yes because I'm not yet comfortable with someone else being uncomfortable? Now pause. These behaviours will have been around for a long time so I need you to create a little bit of wiggle room between you and some of those default settings.

13:51Let yourself answer with, I don't know yet, when do you need to know by or hmm let me think about that. Give yourself some time to think differently. Now tune into your discomfort. If your body doesn't want you to do something, if your body says no, that discomfort is data. It's not something to be overridden, it's something to be listened to and honoured. Make friends with your discomfort, it's got your best interests at heart. And reframe guilt. Guilt will come up as that default feeling when we're not making someone happy but it isn't really guilt because we haven't objectively done anything wrong.

14:26Call it something else, call it tension, call it unfamiliar behavior, difference, change, but really start to have a different relationship with what you've previously called guilt. And think about the difference between being selfish and self-aware. Self-aware, as in knowing your needs, your preferences, your priorities, not saying me first, but certainly saying me too, is a gift to you, but also to the people around you. And when you model that permission to others, it's even more so. But start small. Don't dive into those high risk, high reward relationships. Maybe it's not your family of origin.

15:00Maybe it's not your boss. But start to use these tools and techniques somewhere where it's less risky. Maybe with an acquaintance or someone you bump into in the supermarket. Work towards those higher risk, higher reward relationships when you've got more evidence that you can stop people pleasing and still be okay. And remember that people pleasing rarely pleases people least of all you good luck emma's advice was so amazing you should really read her book too i absolutely loved it okay i think i have yapped on for long enough that is it for today's episode on people pleasing and i hope this has been useful as i said it's something i'm very much still working on but the more i think about it the more likely i am to actually take action so thank you for helping me keep accountable and as always i've only just scratched the surface so if you do want to dive deeper i've included a reading list with some of my favorite books and resources on this topic in the show notes.

15:49Thank you so much for listening and if you take one thing away from this episode it should be that you are allowed to set boundaries and prioritize yourself without guilt.

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