Ep.50 How To Survive Your 20s? The Handbook I Needed [SOLO EP]

0:08Right, today's episode, I really wanted to do one on general navigating your 20s. I feel like both work and relationships and what we expect to be like doing from our lives at any given time is such a hot topic, both in here, my mind, and it seems generally based on like every single time I do a Q &A on like Instagram or anything, about 50 % of people asking things about that. So that makes up around three people total. So today we're talking about navigating your 20s, talking about everything from relationships to careers to finding balance to what we expect we should be doing to all of that.

0:47So as always, we're starting with some fun facts. I'm reading from a piece of paper for now. Paper will do. So first of all, 40 percent of adults in their 20s move back home with their parents at least once, which I think is a very, very, very, very good fact. obviously it goes without saying that if you have parents that live in like a cosmopolitan area that you are going to be working in that is a huge advantage but also I think there is so much stigma especially online and in general on social media about like everyone's like moving out and getting their first apartment and living with friends or living by themselves and all of this and especially now I think there was a stat the other day I can't remember what the stat was but it was basically showing how in no group could a single person on an average salary afford to live alone literally no group of the population which I thought was really really interesting and just goes to show that social media is warped and a lie I think moving back home if it's something that's open to you is a great opportunity in terms of actually being able to save money being able to spend time with your family you're never going to live with your family like that again and while personally I have not done it I think that if it's open to you and you want to save money before renting or buying or whatever it might be it's actually a great option.

1:59This one shocked me the average age of becoming a mum is 29. Does that feel young to anyone else? To me that feels so young that means you've got to be the baby's got to be in the belly at 28. You go through an average of seven jobs in your 20s that I like I like that fact I think that we expect to come out of university or school or an apprenticeship or literally whatever and find our dream career pretty quickly. And I think an average of seven jobs, that's an average. So that's people on double that, half that, all of that. I mean, we know how averages work. Grace does not need to explain to us how an average works.

2:36But I think that's actually a really, really, really, really, really good fact. And just goes to show that experimenting is very important. If you knew that you had to go through seven jobs to get to your eighth perfect job, you'd be like really excited every time you went through another one and thought actually this isn't for me this doesn't apply to the people in this room by the way but outside of this room I think really important to be generally like experimenting and working out what you want to do with your life the only way you can really do that is by trying it then the next fact is that the average age to get married in the UK was 23 in 1970 and is 31 now in the UK I think with the rise of everyone talking about their work and life and literally everything in between on social media there is this kind of expectation that you have to have things figured out when you're in your 20s which seems insane like if you're going to be working for 40 45 years from when you turn 20 why on earth would you be expected to like figure things out at that age same with relationships same with friends same with all of these different things I think that the more you can use your 20s and even 30s like a way to be experimental with your life I think the more likely you are to get longer term satisfaction it just seems to make sense to me and I've also heard from so many people that they've loved their 30s so much more than their 20s like so so so many people lots of people describe your 30s as your 20s with money which I'm a big fan of I feel like it's so easy to get lost in this idea of like what's the purpose of your 20s but I genuinely believe that the more we can spend time just like finding out what you enjoy finding out who you are through doing literally whatever you're never going to regret having too much fun in your 20s and I know that's not to say like partying all the time and working none of the time because I think the majority of people cannot afford to do that genuinely I think a lot of us take it almost too seriously and it's amazing as a tool to be able to literally experiment in all areas of your life to be able to work out really who you are.

4:30I think I definitely made the mistake of like assuming that I knew who I was at like 18, especially because my quote unquote career had already started. And so at that point, I think I thought, well, this is me and this is what I'm doing and this is what I'm good at and this is what I enjoy. Whereas actually I knew a fraction of myself because my frontal lobe wasn't even developed until I was 25. Hence Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriends. Right. First dilemma, relationships in your twenties. I would love to hear your thoughts on relationships in your 20s time pressures constantly being asked when you when you're getting a boyfriend or when you and your boyfriend are getting married slash having kids how to deal with not knowing the answers to any questions first of all that is their problem not your problem that is a personal problem for people imposing their like rules of what you should be doing or sometimes even just making conversation like if you're talking to someone who's in a relationship and being like oh is marriage on the cards or whatever but it is fucking annoying I think putting the blinkers up in terms of people imposing their views of what they want for you or what they want for themselves on you I'm such a sheep stay with me in general I feel like my views of what I want for myself or what I see as success or any of these things literally all come from society's idea of like success or what you should be doing etc etc and I think I have a real problem with actually resetting like what do I want what brings me joy at the moment is it you know whether in work whether in relationships all of these different things and I think the quicker and the more thoroughly you can develop your own thermostat of what you genuinely enjoy and what you want as your next step I think is just the most important part of something like your 20s it's literally a trial run like not that it becomes like an official run when you're in your 30s I remember the first season of this podcast with Shopee Delano and she was saying that she was like your 20s in work are literally about finding out what you enjoy and what you love on someone else's money if you're obviously employed rather than self-employed and I think that is such a good way of putting it I think that people are always going to impose their time pressures for you their time pressures for your relationship their time pressures for your job as much as you can use it as something where you just are thinking about like what do I genuinely want and you're not always going to know that either I'm the type of person who wants to plan everything but realistically I cannot plan trajectories.

6:49I can plan what type of direction I want to go in and then I can accept like what life throws in my direction. I'm well aware of the fact that I just ignored your question entirely and went only on what I wanted to say but that's unfortunately a how my brain works and b it's just what I do. I'm working on it. The answer out of all of that if you extract any value out of that is just about ignoring other people's trajectories, finding your own ideal trajectory and staying very open to that trajectory changing at any point that you want it to. When you're in your early 20s you might think that you would want to be like thinking about having kids in your late 20s and by the time you get to your late 20s you're like absolutely the fuck not which has happened to so many people I know and I think it's very very very very very common because you get to your late 20s and you're like am I fuck ready for having kids right now and I think that the more you can just stay in touch with yourself rather than staying in touch with other people and their expectations I think is incredibly incredibly important and you can just smile and wave I mean people like family members that you don't know and just generally people like starting conversation that don't know what to talk to you about are always going to associate what they see as the next step with a way of asking you questions like if you're not in a relationship being like oh are you dating or whatever it might be I think a lot of the time yes it's ingrained in like societal expectations but I also think sometimes it's just people making conversation and I think you can talk about other things but I also think that sometimes it's just them being like ah what do I talk to this person about because that's definitely what I do I try not to do about those type of things being like oh when are you having kids like I would never say that I'd more be like oh you do you want kids in the future or like whatever it might be but I think a lot of the time it's literally just harmless small talk undoubtedly it needs to change based on what we expect from people at any given time but I think a lot of the time as long as you only care about the opinions of the people that matter to you and yourself and what you actually want you'll always be clear that other people are just noise second dilemma changing careers I'm 26 and I want to change career directions from accounting I haven't yet taken any chartered exams so haven't wasted any money but did do a degree in finance.

8:44I know the job pays well or more like has the potential to pay well, but I don't want to do it anymore. I actually just quit my job and I'm investigating another career pathway that's paid less and we'll have to do lots of volunteer work and maybe perhaps get into another degree. Do you think it's a sensible idea? I will answer the same thing on this every single time. Do not fall into the sunk cost fallacy trap. If you have invested time or energy or money in something and you don't want to do it anymore, you are always going to not want to do it anymore. The worst thing you can do is then make yourself do it when you don't want to do it anymore just because you've spent time on it.

9:20Either way you've spent time on it, whether you then go on to do something you love or continue doing something just because you've spent time on it, either way you've spent that time and money on it. So do not get trapped in the idea that you need to continue along that path purely because you've invested time in it. I know it's annoying and I know that we all wish that we'd got it right the first time, but realistically you do not become an interesting person by getting everything right the first time and also it's just impossible it's not going to happen so I think absolutely if you're in accounting and you've first of all you haven't done any of your exams you might decide to do those exams to give yourself a safety net I know lots of people who've done that I know lots of people who intentionally get into something that they don't love for a few years purely to get themselves some qualifications and purely to get themselves some money and some savings and all of that to use as a springboard to go on to what they want to do next but I think absolutely you have a duty to yourself to explore other pathways and I will answer this question in the same way every single time.

10:10If you think that you might want to change something about your life and the only thing holding you back is the fact that you haven't changed it so far or the fact that you have done whatever before, you are always going to hold yourself back. When I finished university, for example, I literally had a career on YouTube. It was what was very much kind of considered to be what I was going to do next and I literally deleted all my videos and moved on. I'd invested so much time, money. I uploaded three times a week at 5pm every single Monday, Wednesday, Friday for my entire time at university. I took so much time and money on it.

10:44I invested so much of my energy into it and then I decided that it wasn't what I wanted to do. Obviously quitting can be seen as fickle and quitting can be seen as the easy way out. The majority of the time I think quitting and changing direction is one of the harder options. it's easy to stay in your comfort zone it's easy to stay doing something you know that you can do or you're currently in or you've already spent time doing but is it fun no is it what you want to be doing no you have a lot of years of life hopefully and spending that time doing something that you don't love because you've already done it seems like a silly idea if you really think about it if you really have a word with yourself it seems like a terrible idea but that was literally the position I was in after university and I just kept coming back to the point that I was like but I've spent so much time on it but I've spent so much energy on it but I've really built up a platform but I've really like blah blah blah sure but that's always going to be the case whether you continue with it or not and now however many years later literally like four years later now fucking hell I feel so much happier about the place that I'm in I feel so much happy about my kind of trajectory and what I want to do with my life and that was purely based off the fact that I was able to kind of be like sure I've invested time and energy but I'm always going to have invested time and energy I might as well go on to something I love so yes I think it's a sensible idea I think that it might be more sensible to make sure you have a safety net whether that's savings whether that's doing your exams I'm not just saying doing that I know that's expensive too whether that's getting a job on the side while you jump into something else whatever it might be I believe very strongly in creating yourself a safety net it's not not a sensible idea because accounting is a sensible job the only sensible job for you is the job that you're going to enjoy and the job that you know of course you can make a living from I think that there's many many options for that and just the fact that you've done it for a few years is not good enough neither do not accept.

12:26Dilemma number three finding balance in your 20s. I'm 23 and I feel like I'm growing up too fast on one hand I strive to succeed but on the other hand it feels like going on a roller coaster without breaks the LinkedIn expectations and pressure on young people to succeed are not making things easier but make me question my path and goals how should you find balance and how do you know what you truly want versus what you think you should want slash do. The idea of like the LinkedIn expectations and all of this is so true. And again, it's kind of like a combination of my previous two answers. Fuck everything else other than what you want to do.

13:01And I don't think that that means like don't listen to other people. Other people who have been through the experience that you're going through now are always going to be so helpful in determining what direction you're going in. I will be the first to say like I grew up way too fast. I was so determined to show people that like I could be taken seriously in the industry and that I could be, you know, that I was really in my career even though I was just at uni and like all of these things. You have so much time to grow up. I genuinely believe all you should be doing is working out what you enjoy, what you don't enjoy, what fulfills you on the everyday, what makes you happy, what makes you feel like you're a person that you can be proud of, what feels authentic to you, that's all you should be doing and moving at the speed that's associated with that there is absolutely nothing wrong with going fast if you want to go fast if you feel like you're on a roller coaster and you feel like you can't control your trajectory purely because you're going at that speed because you see everyone on LinkedIn getting new jobs and doing this that and the other that's not a good enough reason in my opinion but I totally get it and that is exactly what I did so and if anyone told me at the time like you're going too fast I would have been like fuck you let me do what I want to do work out whether it's you doing that or whether it's external influences making you do that and then if you want to continue going fast continue going fast if you want to slow it down a bit slow it down a bit but just take the time to work out what you enjoy what you love what fulfills you etc etc etc and in terms of finding balance itself balance is never going to be about 50 50 it's never going to be about like doing this in your work and doing this in your life I strongly believe you can have it all but you can't have it all at once you cannot have like the best social life ever whilst also doing the best in your job I literally just do not think that is the case about a year ago I would have gone out probably twice a week and I would have had dinner with my friends etc etc etc I was burning myself out so quickly and I just realized that realistically I probably want to see my friends once or twice a week and the rest of the time if I'm going to be keeping up my pace of work at the moment I need to slow down on the rest of it and I get that much fulfillment from actually having a few nights in and feeling like I'm recharging and I think that again it's just where you are at every point in your life for the past few years I've needed to like post pandemic I literally I would have given a uni student a run for their money in terms of the amount I was going out I was literally going out like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday which is fun and I needed it at that time and now I'm like reframe so balance is going to be different at every single point of your life it's about a set of scales going like up and down rather than like making sure it's 50-50 sometimes it's going to be 90-10 sometimes it's going to be 60-40 sometimes it's going to be 50-50 but realistically basically it's never going to be like this complete view of balance that we see should I move out I'm currently 22 and live at home with my family in Exeter I just landed a grad scheme four months ago it's based in London but I can work mostly from home my dilemma is that I'm terrified to move out from home I'm scared I'll be lonely miss my family and not be able to afford or find a place to live in London but on the other hand I'm worried if I don't move out I'll live the same stagnant life I always have I could really use some advice first of all you are 22 you have never lived a stagnant life you are child no I do not accept this I think there's arguments for both sides so like should I move out isn't black and white on the one hand when you're saying I'm terrified to move out from home because I'm scared I'll be lonely I'm scared I'll miss my family I'm scared I'll not be able to afford or find a place in London all of those things are so valid but if you feel like they're holding you back and you really should be moving out then go for it like try and see if you can find a place try and see if you can find some people to live with or have a spare room for a few months or whatever it might be to get on your feet work out if you like it feel free to move home if not it is totally up to you on the other hand you're worried that if you don't move out you'll live the same stagnant life fuck that if you want to live at home live at home and you don't need to push yourself to kind of like that quote-unquote next level of moving out and living with friends or living in a spare room or like whatever it might be if you're not ready for that or not even not ready if you don't feel like that's something you want I feel like you need to work out which one you really think you should do because it sounds like there's arguments against most of it at the moment if you would love to take the leap of moving to London but you're scared because of all of these different things take the leap and see maybe for a few months maybe don't lock yourself into a longer rental and I know that sounds like being like literally impossible in London but there are like spare room type situations available etc etc or staying with a friend for a bit or whatever it might be and seeing if you like it you don't always need to like take a big leap but I completely appreciate that it's easier to do so I do think that things like grad schemes are an amazing way to meet people in the same situation and move to London and like you're going to be in the same boat you're all going to be meeting new people you're all going to be in a different city and trying to like find out your life and I think that is can be a really valuable experience so if there's an inkling that you might want to enjoy that, but you're just scared, then I would say try it.

18:02It's really hard for me to work out from this one, like which one you really should do and which one you're more like scared of. But don't be worried about living a stagnant life. If you want to be living at home or in your hometown or whatever it might be, London, like everything else, there are so many different types of experience you can have. It's not like one amazing experience that you're just like missing out on. But second of all, it could be an amazing time for you to just try it for a year or try it for a few months and see if you love living in a city see if you love meeting people see if you love the job there all of these different things but it is totally up to you it sounds like an amazing flexible situation what a blessing to be able to like make that decision but it sounds like you should maybe like try and then see and just give it a go fuck it if you hate it undo it everything's resolvable last dilemma it's about time pressure being told you have to know what you're doing with your life and having everything nailed but also that you need to enjoy your youth and make the most out of everything just would love your thoughts on how to deal with all that pressure totally understand like could not understand that more there's so many people being like oh just live your life and enjoy and your 20s are for like having fun and blah blah but then they're also like if you miss out on your experience in your 20s you're never going to be able to get a job blah blah blah both of those things are wrong and I think that in different industries it's going to be wrong in different experiences it's going to be wrong so many people who you'll admire started what they do now far later so many people who do what you admire started too young and then realized that they actually didn't enjoy it and couldn't get out of something for ages or whatever it might be realistically there is no right answer it is all based on what you think you need so if you're the type of person who feels like they don't have a lot of life experience you feel like you haven't moved places or met new people or any of those things and that's something you'd really want to do concentrate on that if you're the type of person who feels like you're really good at that but actually not very good at like concentrating on one job and really going down one path and trying to make it in that direction then try and do more of that there is literally no right answer we have to get good at ignoring external pressure and I know that's so much easier said than done trust me I know I believe that very strongly I'm the first person to give into external pressure or see it as like a challenge but I think that realistically the only way you're going to be able to nail this is by doing what you want and working out what you want more of so if that's more going out and meeting people and pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone in that way great if that's more head down working doing more networking doing more things just kind of like running around meeting people in the industry blah blah blah because you feel like you want to concentrate on that side great there's always going to be pressure on the other side whichever one you're not doing more of so fuck it ignore it it's always going to be there I promise you throughout your entire life she says at 26 as if she's like 80 but I generally just feel like it is um so the best thing you can always do is use your own like in a thermostat instead and it's not always going to be the same thing probably you're going to spend a lot of time investing into work and then be like I've actually just forfeited my whole social life or you're going to spend too much time just thinking about going out all the time and realizing that you're actually not kind of progressing in work and that would get you some fulfillment now where your social life has been most important in the past it's going to fluctuate it's a roller coaster it's a set of scales it's whatever you want it to be but it's always going to be a fucking nightmare so you might as well enjoy it right I'm coming in with some reassuring fun facts because I feel like when we talk about 20s it always feels like we're doing one thing wrong whether it's like the play or the work or whatever we're always not doing it enough of something so fuck you guys anyway a yougov poll finds that 24 of people do believe that your 20s represent the best years of their lives but roughly an equal amount 23 believe that their 30s are actually the best years so I feel like that just goes to say that it is totally dependent on you totally dependent on which path you choose at any given time you can make any of your years the best years of your life totally depends how you spend them and ignore people one third of people in their 20s move to a new residence every year important I think we see a lot again of like I've bought a house I've got a flat I'm living in this place for like 17 years it's just not realistic sorry bye another important fact your weight will probably go up a little bit every year and that is totally normal weight normally continues to increase annually in your 20s mostly due to an increase in body fat compared to teen years again important I think a lot of ourselves we learn during our teenage years and we come into our 20s thinking like we know a lot about ourselves or know a lot about like who we are what we look like etc etc and that we are only growing through that time like just after we've gone through puberty and that is just not true at all at all and I think that so many people then get thrown off in their 20s by feeling like they're still kind of changing in many different ways whether it's that way other ways like visually internally whatever it might be and I think it's very important to know that that is very normal just as it's normal to be changing that way in school.

22:49Dr Boyle says that in your 20s you'll start having a surge in estrogen and progesterone around your menstrual cycle which could cause acne. Also important also another thing I think we expect only happens in our teenage years which is a complete fucking lie so that concludes your lecture on your 20s in conclusion fuck everyone else not literally unless that is your hobby of choice in your 20s also fine you're always going to feel like you're wrong whether you're using your 20s to have fun whether you're using your 20s to work whether you're using your 20s to feel terrified about reaching your 30s whether you're using your 30s thinking oh I wish I did this in my 20s you're always going to be wrong I think is the conclusion so you might as well enjoy it and that doesn't just mean like partying all the time although it can mean a lot of that I think the majority of people can't party all the time and not work and actually afford it but I also think that realistically it's just all about working out who you are what you enjoy what you want to do with your life not cementing yourself in anything not thinking that you've reached a conclusion at any point you're still so young at that point and hopefully we'll have many many years of exciting life ahead of you that is my conclusion for being in your 20s she says literally very much still in her 20s but I think it is just a terrifying time that you feel like you constantly need to know everything and then I think that we have this terrible association with like turning 30 as if it's some like death sentence whereas actually the older I've personally gotten the more I've loved my life and like who I think I am and like my authenticity as a person and like known more about the direction I've wanted to go in etc etc etc so I think the best thing we can do is always aim to enjoy as much of it as possible and find out about who we are and fuck everything else

24:43Thank you.