How To Get Over The Fear Of Trying When Everyone Is Watching [Bonus Episode]

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1:43What is up? I'm Grace Beverly and welcome back to Working Hard, the podcast-shaped guidebook on how to improve your own life and achieve what you actually dreamed of doing, because life's too short for boring podcasts and bad advice.

1:56what is up and welcome back to working hard today's bonus episode is a bit of a different one but we got this dilemma in the podcast email the other day and it really made me think so i wanted to discuss it and like have a bit of a discussion around it so the dilemma was hi grace i've got a dilemma for you i'm currently in my break between uni and actual life and i really want to put myself out there and start content creation or ugc but i can't get over the feeling that I'll be laughed at for doing so by everyone I've ever known. How do I get over myself? You've always been so good at putting yourself out there and I know I'll regret it if I don't at least try.

2:34So I wanted to talk about this because I feel like we all know that feeling when you watch someone launch a business or start posting vlogs or announce their new side hustle or literally do whatever that feels like outside of the norm to you and whilst most of you is like well done, that's amazing. A small part of you is like oh that's brave and it's that feeling that I really want to get into today. That tiny little cringe feeling we get is basically our own fear of being seen trying and today I want to have a little chat about why that fear is not only unnecessary but it can also really hold us back because I genuinely think, and this is not an overstatement, the moment I stopped feeling truly embarrassed to try something in public was the moment I opened up so much more opportunity for myself.

3:17So I really want to get into this because I feel like it's a topic that I feel very passionate about as someone who's like embarrassed myself a lot online, if you want to look at it that way, but also has been able to benefit a huge amount from just putting myself out there. And I guess to me, the thing has always been ranking the fear of not being able to get what I want out of life over the fear of what other people are gonna think. So my first question when I knew I wanted to discuss this was why does trying publicly feel like you're kind of volunteering for social exile? And I realized that psychologically it really taps into one of our deepest evolutionary fears which is rejection.

3:57So our brains are all still wired very much for tribal survival and this sounds dramatic but obviously back in the day, like way back in the day, being kicked out of a group for standing out too much or failing too visibly could literally mean death. So now when we're considering doing something bold in front of other people, so launching a business, sharing our art, pitching an idea, our nervous system actually reacts like we're about to get like chased by a saber-toothed tiger. Obviously that could also equate to something like a sarcastic comment online, someone taking the piss out of you or perhaps worse like absolute silence.

4:32So no acknowledgement, no validation and over time if you don't really break that down and process that then that fear actually turns into perfectionism or into hesitation or into I'll do it when I'm ready but if I'm honest with myself ready is often just code for safe from embarrassment forever. I think that trying publicly is inherently messy it asks you to be seen before you've nailed it before you've got the outcome to justify the effort and it is of course then exposure without armor and yes sometimes you will look like you're floundering. I very much have. I've flopped, I've launched things that didn't land, I've posted things that made me wince a year later, but one embarrassing moment doesn't actually stop the world turning and often you're a few embarrassing moments away from actually getting where you want in life but you holding yourself back because you can't deem to be embarrassed for one second is holding you back from your overall success.

5:25I also do think this is something that British people are inherently worse at too because we kind of go around in a perpetual state of like being embarrassed and our biggest fear is being embarrassed in front of other people. It's much cooler in the UK to not do anything and not try anything than it is to really put yourself out there. Like it is definitely a cultural thing we have but I also know that the only way to desensitize yourself to fear is exposure and the more you try publicly the more you train your brain to survive it and eventually to thrive in it. So I think there are two main reasons why I'm such a fan of trying publicly.

5:58Number one is because it builds a level of resilience. This might sound weird but I don't think I could ever have started a business in public if I hadn't already been that kid who wasn't afraid to try at school or for example I loved music at school and that was like the least cool thing in the world and my love for that kind of outweighed being seen as cool and I moved to schools five times so you can imagine that like every time me having to explain like oh yeah this is just something about me it gets kind of knocked out of you but you also do experience that over and over where you're like oh god I would be a lot more cool if I didn't just do this one thing that put me out there and then had to perform in school assembly.

6:34There is something about succeeding despite what other people think or despite failing three times before that gives you the resilience to try and fail again. And number two it keeps you accountable. If you have a goal at the beginning of the year to do something that scares you the easiest way not to do it is keeping it to yourself because then there is no external pressure. It doesn't have to be shouting about it on the internet, but saying I'm going to start a side hustle or run a 10K to a friend, makes you a lot more likely to achieve it. It keeps you accountable. And on a business level, when you try publicly, you invite connection, you let people root for you.

7:08We don't trust brands that appear out of nowhere fully formed. We trust the messy ones, the evolving ones, the ones that we have seen grow. So trying and putting yourself out there publicly while you're still in a shoebox office, for example, can actually be the thing that changes your business forever. It's ironic because the thing you're afraid will make people take you less seriously, trying before you're perfect, is the very thing that makes people believe in you, especially nowadays online. The final thing I want to talk about is why we cringe. So cringe is such a loaded word, but most of the time when we say something is cringe, what we actually mean is that that person dared to show something that I personally am too scared to.

7:46Cringe is basically a projection of our own fear. So watching someone else be bold, imperfect or passionate can make us feel exposed like oh god like what if I looked like that but if you can reframe cringe as evidence of effort everything changes so cringe is what happens when someone shows up without knowing how they will be received which is also what every entrepreneur artist writer leader and change maker has done ever cringe is basically a side effect of growth and personally I'd rather cringe and move forward than stay silent stay comfortable and stay the same. If that's not you, that is so fine.

8:20But I do think it is very important to recognize whether you are more scared of cringe or whether you are more scared of never having the life that you dreamed of for yourself. I genuinely think that is the choice the majority of the time. And of course there is a scale. You don't need to go all the way one way or all the way the other way. But when I tell you, I got such a hard time when I started posting online. Like I really, really did. And it really was not the coolest thing in the world. In fact, it was the least cool thing in the world. and it was looked down upon so much. And yet it's led to exactly where I am today and I wouldn't change it for the world.

8:51And I'm sure there are some people out there that think not that cool. And guess what? That's fine. They don't need to live my life. But let's talk about how you actually start trying in front of people without kind of short circuiting. First of all, I would really recommend that you start small and frequent. You don't wanna wait for the big launch. Try tiny things, a story, a tweet, a question. Like let visibility become a habit of yours. Then I would really recommend that you measure meaning, not just metrics. So stop asking, did it go viral? And start asking, did this move me forward? Did this position me how I wanted it to?

9:23Did I get more used to doing this type of content by filming this? Then a really important one is to desensitize with repetition. So fear fades with exposure. The more you show up, the less scary it becomes. And you need to do that over and over and over again to really get that feeling away from yourself and start associating this movement in the right direction with moving in the right direction. As part of that, I would really recommend reframing embarrassment as evidence. So feeling exposed means you are out of your comfort zone. That is a marker of progress. That is not a marker of doing something wrong.

9:52Then you also really need to remember that nobody is thinking about you as much as you are. That is harsh, but it is very freeing. And I feel like most people are too busy thinking about their own stuff to actually notice your learning curve or notice what's going wrong with you or what didn't work for you. They're not paying attention. And if they're paying too much attention, then that's on them. Leave them to do that. Genuinely let them do that. that doesn't affect the way you're living. Before I wrap up, I just wanna go over a question that I answered the other day online and I feel like this highlights exactly how I feel about this topic.

10:20So the question was, how did you overcome your fear of putting yourself out there? And my response was, I think my desire to build the exact life I want and to have the freedom to do so has genuinely outweighed the fear of looking silly. At least that's the only explanation I can think of. I was so embarrassed at uni, constantly posting on social media and starting my businesses online. It definitely wasn't the dumb thing and I heard and saw a lot of shit about myself as well as not feeling successful. I'm not even sure what I've done now would be considered successful given it's been done by leveraging social media rather than pure finance or law or tech and social media was definitely looked down upon where I went to university.

10:52But I think that at the end of the day, a successful life built in other people's eyes is a successful life for them, not you. That's something I'm trying to really internalise and get to grips with as I try to design the next stage of my life. I've always been really proud of myself for going for gold even when it might make me look silly. I've started multiple businesses when they absolutely could have flopped after the first, this time in front of a huge audience with a personal brand that relies on business success. I posted my podcast for a long while before it got any real engagement. I just started a new business in AI because I believe in the concept when it'll be really tough to crack.

11:20But I consider all this one of my biggest strengths, not being afraid to look stupid, building a life that only I am going to have to live. And I think that's a really great strength. And that is what I believe. Anyway, thank you to the person who sent in this dilemma. I know you wanted to be kept anonymous, but it really got me thinking. And I'm glad we got to speak about this in a bonus episode because I feel like it is an important one to think about. And I feel like, especially in the world where visibility is more likely to lead to success, you can decide not to take certain shortcuts if you see them as that.

11:50And shortcuts being putting yourself out there and being unafraid to fail in public. But you can't expect always the same results. And I think that that's fine if you're fine with that. But I think a lot of the time we can spend too much time wishing for the results of a certain thing without being willing to do that certain thing. And I feel like that is sometimes just an important bit of tough love we need. But thank you so much for being here. And I will see you again on Monday.

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