Your 3 step guide to stopping fear from holding you back in life

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1:44Grace Beverley: What is up? I'm Grace Beverly and welcome back to Working Hard, the podcast shape guidebook on how to improve your own life and achieve what you actually dreamed of doing. Because life's too short for boring podcasts and bad advice. what is up and welcome back to working hard today we're talking about something that i genuinely think is shaping our careers and our creativity and our relationships and our confidence so much more than we realize which is the fear of being cringe i think at the very surface is actually the fear of trying which feels like being cringe because currently nowadays we have such a big audience everywhere this for a lot of us is a very real paralyzing fear of looking embarrassing in public, of trying something and having someone roll their eyes at you, of putting yourself forward and being judged for it.

2:29Grace Beverley: I did a bonus episode on this over a year ago now and it got such a huge response and since then I've come to genuinely think that the main thing that holds most people back is not a lack of talent, it's not a lack of ideas, it's not even a lack of discipline, it is a fear of what other people think and what makes that even sadder I think is that some of the people with the most to give are often the ones holding back the most because they are hyper aware of how they're perceived. And I really don't think we ourselves are to blame because we're living in a time where everything feels very public.

3:03Grace Beverley: It is very public. It feels permanent. It feels open to commentary and that makes risk feel heavier than it ever has before. So today I really want to unpack why that is. I want to talk through three steps that have really helped me to actually get over this fear in a very practical way. I really hope you enjoy this episode and if you do please don't forget to follow us on whichever platform you're listening to this on that helps us to keep this podcast free for everyone.

3:30Grace Beverley: So firstly I want to start by talking about the idea that we're more scared to try than ever and I really don't think that's dramatic. There's actually research showing that Gen Z and younger millennials report higher levels of social anxiety and fear of negative evaluation than previous generations and a lot of psychologists just actually link that to the rise of social media, which I think we can probably all agree with. And with that coming, the constant visibility, the feeling of being observed and perceived the whole time. And with this, studies on something called the spotlight effect shows that we dramatically overestimate how much other people notice and remember our mistakes, which is totally fair enough.

4:04Grace Beverley: Like in your world, you are the main character. In my world, I am the main character. It is very easy to think that when you do something wrong, people are going to be thinking about it just as much as you do, particularly when that feels magnified by so many different social platforms. And what I found was really interesting is in a classic experiment by psychologists Thomas Gilovich and Kenneth Sivitsky, participants were asked to wear an embarrassing t-shirt into a room of strangers and then estimate how many people noticed it. On average, they believed around half the room had registered it.

4:36Grace Beverley: In reality, it was closer to a quarter. And that's like a loud embarrassing t-shirt. That's something visual. That's not necessarily something you're just trying every day. The research has found that because we are so immersed in our own experience, we very much struggle to accurately imagine how little attention other people are actually paying to us. But obviously nowadays when your awkward moment can be screenshotted, stitched, reposted, or commented on by strangers, it doesn't just feel like you're risking embarrassment in a room. It can feel very much like you are risking reputation at scale and I do totally get that.

5:09Grace Beverley: And so what happens is that we self-censor before we even begin. We don't launch the project, we don't post the video, we don't say the opinion, we don't apply for the job. And the tragedy of that, I think, is that the fear of cringe becomes more powerful than the desire to create or the desire to build the life you love or the desire to represent yourself or turn up and show up in the way that you want to show up. And obviously I'm speaking like I'm kind of disconnected from this, but I have felt this very personally. Like when I first started posting on Instagram, I was 18. And it makes me laugh now because to give you a taste of how embarrassed I was, I didn't even post my face in any of the Instagrams.

5:48Grace Beverley: Like I would post in the mirror without my face. Literally my face was nowhere. And it was because I was embarrassed. Like I didn't even have my name attached to the account. And all of this was obviously because the idea of my friends who were at sixth form with me seeing me post on Instagram was completely mortifying. And that fear was confirmed, to be honest. Like a lot of those people did judge me. Like even when I turned up at university as someone who was posting on Instagram, like influencer wasn't really seen as a job. It definitely wasn't seen as a respectable job. I can tell you that for free.

6:19Grace Beverley: It was really embarrassing. Like it felt really embarrassing. And the only thing that kept me going, as I said, was the fact that that inflection point was pretty early on for me. Like, yes, it took probably a year and a half for things to start taking off, but each gradual win felt like a win. So it felt like something that I could commit to. And I felt like it was worth sticking to it rather than giving in to being seen as cringe. I also thought that I've done it now, so I might as well continue. But I think the thing really is, is that I saw an end goal and I developed a thick skin to embarrassment early.

6:51Grace Beverley: I learned that the fear of being judged doesn't actually kill you. And in the end, people get bored. Like I started being paid 20 quid here and there to post on Instagram. And that was exciting enough to me, even if at the moment it might not feel like it for a lot of people, it might not feel worth it online. I want to say as well, there are so many different types of cringe that are worth doing rather than just posting online. I do think the fixation is a lot around that at the moment, but obviously that's an experience I had with it. It felt very embarrassing, but it didn't change the trajectory.

7:21Grace Beverley: It didn't actually affect my everyday. it probably set a better threshold for who would actually be friends with me. And I made sure to get actual real people that are still in my life now who could see past that like kind of semi embarrassing thing I was doing that's now turned into something much bigger. And I think one of the things that really benefited me is that I then built that tolerance young. So I've been able to then take public risks consistently since then, whether that's starting this podcast, whether that's launching a new business, whether that's going into new product verticals, whole new industries or public speaking.

7:55Grace Beverley: I think all of this links back to learning not to take things personally and not to care overly about the opinions of others, but to care most of all about where I want to get to and how I want to get there. Like, I'm the only one who's going to be living my life and therefore I should be the only one who's concerned about what that looks like and what that feels like above all and where I'm going to get to rather than anyone who might be perceiving that and thinks that for some reason that feels embarrassing to them. I genuinely think that if I had let that first wave of cringe, which was pretty intense because I remember going back to sixth form after one of the holidays and just noticing that I was like, everyone's seen this account.

8:34Grace Beverley: I was like, everyone's seen this fitness account, even though it was under a different name, even though I didn't post my face. I was just like, yeah. And it was intense and I didn't like it. And I had joined that school late, so I didn't know many people. But my entire career would have been different had I not just been able to stick to that and been able to prioritise what I found exciting over what other people found embarrassing. And I think that's why I think this matters so much because the fear of being cringe is often just the fear of being seen trying. And being seen to try is actually a given now.

9:07Grace Beverley: Like even if you're starting a new job somewhere that you feel like you are not qualified to be in that job or whatever it might be, you're going to be seen on LinkedIn trying that job. You're going to be seen if it doesn't work out. You might as well go for the things that you actually want to do and that you actually think link up to where you want to get to. So I've spent a lot of time trying to think about how you get over that fear of trying and how you get over the fear of cringe without ruining your self-awareness around maybe there are some things that you shouldn't be posting online every day.

9:36Grace Beverley: Because I do also believe that as well. Like I don't think that you should mow down all of your boundaries or mow down all of your self-awareness around what to do and what not to do. I think that a little bit of embarrassment is healthy. You're going to have to have a little bit of embarrassment to get to where you want to get to. At the same time, you don't need to completely bulldoze your personal brand. But I put these into some steps that I think are what really helped me overall to be able to continue to try publicly when the stakes felt higher and higher, actually. Because yes, as much as I was building a track record for building businesses or whatever it might be, the stakes felt higher starting each new thing when it felt like there was more of an audience because again that was trying to a bigger audience.

10:14Grace Beverley: So step one is to really shrink the audience in your head. I heard Gemma Spegg say recently on her podcast The Psychology of Your 20s that you should choose four people whose opinions genuinely matter to you and you should focus solely on those. I think that is so powerful like it's such a powerful reframe for avoiding the cringy feeling when you put yourself out there because most of us are subconsciously performing for an imaginary panel of critics that probably includes old classmates, people we barely know, and sometimes even strangers that we've invented in our heads. Also, I find a lot of the time that my panel is made up of the people who I already know don't like me or I already know find me the most embarrassing or whatever it might be.

10:57Grace Beverley: So of course, everything I'm judging myself with is going to be the harshest critics. Like that imaginary audience has way too much power. And importantly, they all represent different expectations in your head. Like you simply cannot please them all and nor should you be trying to. So instead, I think what's really useful here is consciously deciding on whose opinion actually counts. Maybe it's your partner. Maybe it's your sibling. Maybe it's a parent. Maybe it's some close friends. Maybe it's your future self. That is it. Like create the panel and lock in the panel. If those people would be proud of you for trying this specific thing, then I completely agree that that is enough.

11:33Grace Beverley: And of course, you're not going to take every one of those people's preferences on that panel every single time. Like I have certain friends who are going to think, oh yeah, no, that might work. And other friends who are going to be like, yeah, go on, why not try it? It's about understanding that the panel is first of all friendlier than you think it's going to be. And also it's opinions and respect, people you would go to for advice because you shouldn't be taking feedback really from people you wouldn't go to for advice. And I found that when you shrink the audience, you really shrink the fear.

11:58Grace Beverley: Because when all you have to worry about is what people who love you think, or people who you respect think, you are much more likely to believe in yourself and just do it. And I would really, really recommend you having on that panel, as I say, someone you respect, like not necessarily just your closest people. Like if you look up to someone, if you think like this businesswoman is who I want to be, whoever it is in your field who's doing particularly well and you would like to be them, put them on your panel like what do you think they would think in any of these scenarios chances are if they've got to where they wanted to get to they've had to do a hell of a lot of things that actually didn't work and putting them on your panel so that they can encourage that type of thinking when maybe you might be surrounded by people who think a little bit smaller is very useful too like i absolutely loved what sophie t said on the podcast when she came on last year and she spoke about the cost of embarrassment that really struck a chord with me i'm just overall no one actually cares what you're doing I think that is a huge learning like I'm just going to use a very random example but I had a nose job when I was like 22 right yeah I was so conscious about not having one for so long because I didn't want to be known as the girl who had the nose job I wanted to be known as the girl who was the artist right I had it I was like oh no no one cares no one cares yeah just take the risk do the thing like follow like what you believe to be right for you and then like get on with your life yeah like so I think to pull that back to confidence we all have it within ourselves and like being authentically yourself like is risky and can seem scary but actually like everyone has this internal battle with themselves so like just do it and like as we were saying before it does feel like the real risk is not following the path that you think is made for you because you're worried about other people because at the end of the day it doesn't affect them yeah and I I think this with my career a lot too just because when I was starting on Instagram, it was so embarrassing because it just was like so far from like what people were doing.

13:54Grace Beverley: There have been so many things I've done since that feel embarrassing. Like sometimes when I'm posting, I'm like, yeah, there are people from school who follow me. I'm just like, oh, they're just supposed to be like, oh, that's nice. And I just, I don't know, if you spend any more time thinking about those people, you're spending less time thinking about yourself and your own trajectory, which sounds like narcissistic, but it's kind of like, okay, well if this is me making a decision for me in my life and my trajectory in my career surely what it does for me is the important question not what other people think of it and i just think there have been so many people who've come on this podcast and be like i did this one random thing or this one really embarrassing thing and that's what led to xyz and fear is just holding so many of us back from them yeah and i'm still coming up to those fears constantly every day i'm like we need to push past the cringe like it's so embarrassing oh my god it's so embarrassing like I'm literally going up to someone in a charity shop every time I go in I'm like what am I doing like oh doc she doesn't want to see me she doesn't want to be on camera like she yeah actually the bigger impact of that to stop it just like push through it and yeah yeah like yeah god it's so cringy isn't it no but like I feel like everything worth doing is on the other side of doing something difficult or cringe or that's going to make you feel like oh I'm going gonna make you nervous like whatever it might be yeah and i feel like too many people are held back by the fear of being perceived and it's like you're going to be perceived anyway and you might end up being perceived as someone who's doing nothing because you did nothing because you were so worried about like everyone's going to think some shit anyway yeah like no matter what you do no matter how palatable you try and be to everyone yeah you're constantly there's going to be someone who thinks you're embarrassing yeah so you might as well be embarrassing and also have the career about two years ago I was like making art and content and being like trying to be like yeah doing these videos that were like me being like cute but also painting and then my videographer at the time was like Sophie like no offense but like can you just like be yourself because like I reckon it will translate better on camera and then I like just stopped putting my makeup on for videos because I felt like when I had my makeup on I was like even like had a bit of a mask on or trying to you know be someone that I wasn't and then that weirdly identifying this like kind of new content style which is we call it a chaotic cut in our like editing which is just like me just being a crazy art girl resonated with so many people because you can just tell I am being myself with it yeah I really love that episode with Sophie we talk about this type of thing a lot so if you haven't listened to it then do go back and listen she talks a lot about starting your anything online and particularly anything creative, which I feel like is particularly useful around this type of thing where you probably have to try a lot more publicly than maybe in other industries.

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17:58Grace Beverley: Now, going on to step two, this is to redefine cringe as evidence of growth. The reason for this is because the feeling of cringe is usually a signal that you are stretching yourself beyond your current identity. Psychologists actually talk about identity-based fear, where actually the discomfort of acting in a new way feels threatening because it does not align with how you've previously seen yourself. so if you've always been the quiet one speaking up will feel cringe if you've never been the creative one posting content will feel cringe but that discomfort is not proof that you should stop it is proof that you are expanding the problem is that both feel equally uncomfortable and the easiest thing to do is just to stop which obviously makes sense it's the path of least resistance but that's not going to get you anywhere you actually want to get to in your life I can promise you that every founder, creator, public figure or successful person has a deeply embarrassing archive at the beginning.

18:54Grace Beverley: The difference between those who succeed and those who do not is genuinely not all about talent. It is tolerance for awkwardness and failure, particularly at the beginning, particularly very publicly. The people who succeed are often the ones who notice what's working and what isn't. They test, they iterate and they go again, no matter what anyone thinks. Because if you know what works and you know what you should be testing again, you know what you should be iterating on, but all of them make you feel embarrassed and therefore you don't do them, you're not going to progress. You're not going to get to where you want to get to.

19:23Grace Beverley: A good example from my past is that when I launched Tala, we had so many problems with that first launch and I'm not proud of that. It's not that I'm proud about that at all, but we launched at scale on our first ever launch. You can't test launching in that way. We had so many things go wrong and I remember right after just thinking like, I already had a successful business. Why didn't I just double down on that and just concentrate on that? Because it's embarrassing that I haven't been able to really perform in public. And realistically, the company that exists now, nearly seven years on, that is a much bigger company and that has all of these formulas behind what works and what doesn't work and all of that, that would never exist if I hadn't had that first launch.

20:06Grace Beverley: It just wouldn't have been able to. And done and imperfect, as we know, is so much better than perfect because realistically, nothing anyone does ever is perfect. They're all on different scales. And yes, you should have high standards for yourself, but you need to be able to actually just get things done and get things out there. So this brings us on to step three, which is to practice public rejection. And if there's one thing I've learned from all the guests I've now had on this podcast, it is that confidence doesn't come from waiting until you feel ready. It very much comes from building evidence that you can survive discomfort.

20:36Grace Beverley: And if you're not going to take it from me, hear it from Emma Greed. Very rarely is it about you. Very rarely are people watching in the way that you imagine they might be watching you. And so I have kind of taken that very much to heart. Like I don't take things personally. I don't think if a decision I made ends up being the wrong decision that I'm bad, that that was like wrong of me. I'm like, that thing didn't work. Oh, well onto the next one you know it's like I don't let it become something that like stifles me and so I have a lot of audacity and and it's that's fine it's just working the only way you can progress is to let yourself be slightly exposed this builds a tolerance to hard things to discomfort and to embarrassment which ultimately creates a baseline confidence that will carry you through your plans there's research around exposure therapy which I think we've all seen a lot of on TikTok, like rejection exposure therapy, for example, that shows that repeated exposure to feared stimuli reduces anxiety over time because your nervous system recalibrates.

21:36Grace Beverley: So basically, the first time you feel cringe, it will spike. The 10th time, it feels manageable. The 50th time, it's barely going to register. You can build a tolerance to embarrassment the same way you build a muscle or the same way you build tolerance to rejection. You should put yourself in the path of things that you are scared of over and over and over again so they feel less scary. So when you're next thinking of, for example, deleting something that you posted or not sharing something that you've done well at work because you think it's cringe, give yourself a 24-hour rule. So leave it for 24 hours and if after that you still feel complete dread, then it can go.

22:10Grace Beverley: But most of the time I bet it won't and most of the time I think that you will be surprised about how unembarrassing something feels 24 hours later, particularly when you've got a little validation for it. And of course it's not all about validation. Maybe not everyone thinks it's cool, but people see it and it's getting you to where you want to get to. Like, cool is not the only metric in this world. You start to give yourself permission to do that more and more. When I look back at my teenage self, like, hiding her face in everything she was doing that she felt pretty excited about doing, but also felt so embarrassed about doing, I feel proud looking back.

22:41Grace Beverley: Not because that content was really good. That girl, like, she kept going. She knew that it was embarrassing. She knew that people were talking about her and she kept going. And I genuinely believe that if you can build a thick skin to embarrassment earlier on and you can keep your own self-awareness but you build a thick skin so you know who I should be listening to judging certain things you unlock so much more freedom you stop living cautiously you stop filtering yourself to be palatable or waiting for some kind of universal approval that's never coming I'm not saying I'm perfect at this at all I still fall into these traps all the time genuinely but I think that if you can try your best to break through that fear, it will serve you a thousand times over.

23:23Grace Beverley: So if there's something that you've been holding back because you're worried it might look embarrassing, I want you to very much ask yourself whether the short-term discomfort is worth the long-term regret of not trying or worth the long-term opportunity cost of what place you are trying to get to that is going to be much harder to get to if you're not just trying every single day to get there. Because cringe is temporary, regret and not living the life you want lasts a long time. I hope you enjoyed this episode, I hope you're going to do something that you find a little bit cringe this week, but it's going to get you closer towards your goals.

23:53Grace Beverley: And as always, I will see you next week.

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