379. Heated Rivalry Episode 5

0:03Welcome to You Are Not Broken, the podcast that challenges everything we've been taught about midlife, hormones, and sexuality. I'm Dr. Kelly Kasperson, board-certified urologist, author, and a leading voice in women's sexual and hormone health. Enjoy the show. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the You Are Not Broken season finale. These are the final two, so this is number five of the heated rivalry urologic-thon. Again, not joined by Dr. Josh Gonzalez, but we have Dr. Ashley Wincher and Dr. Rachel Rubin. Episode five! Is it everybody's favorite? I don't know if it's my favorite. I don't know. It's either five or four is my favorite.

0:40There's a lot that happens in five. Five's busy. There's surprisingly little talking in five. Like there's a lot of like, there's actually almost no talking because I know that as I was watching it in the background, trying to do other things, because it's like the 10th time I'm watching it. And I realized how little I remember of episode five because they don't freaking say anything in English. It's all in Russian. There's a lot of Russian. Or text message. It's Russian and text messages the whole damn episode. That's true. You could watch it with the sound off. It's interesting how much happens, but also in terms of time lapse, it actually like slows down intensely, right?

1:13Like in all the prior episodes, we're going over the course of years and years and years. And this is now we're suddenly like in the present, in my opinion, like we're suddenly... We're like catching up to the present. I mean, it's not the present. It's like 2017. But it's like what it's meant to be that now is 2017. Totally. So episode five is called I'll Believe in Anything. It's a big, a big episode. Lots of personal growth for both the boys. Yeah. So what, we start off with the scene where Shane is with Rose at dinner. Well, that's not like, no, the first scene is where they're like done with their night together and it was clearly suboptimal.

1:51And she didn't... And she was wearing a Montreal bagel t-shirt that I really liked. Oh, you got to get one of those. Every time you watch it, like the 10th time through, you're like, ooh, bagel shirt. Your brain's like, where's the nude? I never noticed that. Mostly I'm just like annoyed that like she looks so cute in jeans and a t-shirt. And I was like, I don't look like jeans and jeans. She's gorgeous. I love her lips. Okay, so she's wearing, but they have that awkward conversation. He's like, sorry, didn't go. I think I'm just stressed. He's like, sorry, I couldn't do it. My guess is he couldn't finish.

2:23And again, I think we put too much pressure on men that orgasm like must happen at every single encounter. We don't do that for women. We don't care if women orgasm ever, let alone every encounter. Yeah. So does that automatically make him gay? I mean, in this case, yes, it does. But in every other case? What is this teaching people? Well, no, like a few factors, right? So completely agree with you that just because you didn't orgasm doesn't mean you're gay. Also, they were at a nightclub. If you had alcohol, obviously that can make you not perform. Even if you're profoundly sexually attracted to your partner.

2:56What if you're super dehydrated? Like what? Whiskey dick? because he played hockey first, then went to the club. Like this guy's exhausted. He is not a robot. He acts like one sometimes, but like we should remember that men are not robots. A lot of women internalize what the soft dick means. And they're like, he's clearly having an affair and he doesn't love me and I'm unattractive and I need to lose 10 pounds. That's what this soft dick means. So this plays into that sort of stereotype, right? Like even Rose Landry can't get him to keep an erection. But there are three things, as we as urologists know, there are three things that make an erection work.

3:32Good muscles, good arteries, and good nerves. And we do a lot to mess up with those things. And none of those things are how attractive you are and how good you are at sex. And how much you love somebody. Yeah, it's biology. What if Shane's on? I mean, Shane could be on prescription medications too. Like this guy could have massive anxiety. He could be on Adderall. My guess he's on Adderall. Or something for anxiety. Because he gets a lot of panic attacks. Paxil? Maybe, but that can affect sexual function too. Yes. Antidepressants can delay orgasm, can lower libido. They absolutely can cause issues.

4:04He could be on a beta blocker for nerves. Yeah. He could get anxious before his games. Was this before or after the concussion? Before. Before. So we can't blame it. We can't blame it. Yeah. Okay. So here's how I explain performance anxiety to my patients. I literally did this today for a few men. I was like, listen, you are running from a tiger. Do you want to get an erection? Right? Like you don't. Like adrenaline is a biological chemical that goes through your veins and it tightens your penis muscles to make them not hard anymore. It squeezes all the blood out of your penis. So adrenaline, so if you're running from a tiger, if the fire alarm goes off, if you're with a partner that you're uncertain, if you're going to keep an erection or you're with Rose Lantry, who's really, really like attractive and a movie star, are you going to be so nervous that you're going to have so much adrenaline in your body that you are going to squeeze all the blood out of your penis.

4:56And that's biological erectile dysfunction. We used to call it psychogenic erectile dysfunction, but we're really trying to call it adrenaline-mediated erectile dysfunction because the adrenaline is causing the erection not to happen, which is why morning erections are a thing because when you sleep, you're so relaxed and that is like the most parasympathetic relaxation state. So you get really good erection. So it's biology. There's so much biology to learn from that moment in this. And that can be for women as well. Yeah. Tell us more because no one ever really studies this. Nobody talks about erectile dysfunction in women or erections in women, let alone the dysfunction of the erections.

5:31Yeah. So somebody messaged me and they're like, Hey, I totally get what you mean about like being stressed and overworked and not relaxing enough. Like that's my life. It's chaotic. Is there some drug that I could just take to like undo my day so then I couldn't have sex? And I'm like, I think that's why people drink, basically. But I'm not a proponent of that. I'm just saying people just want to shut it off with a pill instead of being like, what in your life causes calm? Maybe a little more of that. Just a comment on the female side, right? I mean, this is female sexual arousal disorder. The medical term, right, is what we're talking about.

6:11So like female erectile dysfunction is female sexual arousal disorder. And so that could be the clitoris not engorging. it could also be you not becoming lubricated in response to the cues that normally would make you lubricated, right? Because we know obviously the hormones need to be there to become lubricated, but also you have to have the relaxation, you have to have the pro-sex signals, and you have to have the blood flow go there and engorge and lubricate. And again, right, if the predator is following, chasing you, you want all the blood flow going to your legs, not your vagina. And because that's not going to save you.

6:46So, and I mean, I think at times in my life, I have had a partner who I was super interested in and sexually attracted to, but maybe I was very intimidated by them or it was a new situation or for some reason it didn't feel the most safe. And I had issues with that. And so, you know, this is like so much more universal than I think we sometimes think about. It doesn't mean you're gay. It doesn't mean you're gay. I did an Instagram reel three hours ago, and I want to talk about it because it's perfect for you. And this is what somebody messaged me. I had a doctor tell my friend that vaginal estradiol would cause her husband's penis to shrink.

7:27I about died when my friend told me this. All right, let's talk about numbers and biology, people. No one actually cares about biology. They just care about thoughts and feelings. So estrogen cream that we use for the vagina is a 0.01 % estradiol cream. When you give it to someone at correct doses, it does not significantly increase their blood levels of estrogen past 20 picograms per milliliter. Okay. So we do a blood test, your estrogen level is not going to go above 20. If we measure every man's estrogen levels that you are around, their estrogen is higher than 20. It's usually around 25 and it can be even higher than that.

8:03And so you having a little estrogen cream on the penis could potentially help with wrinkles on the penis, but it will not make the penis shrink. It will not make your penis shrink. The comments are so good, right? Because people are like, do we not care about her pleasure or her GSM or her... Like it's all about the penis. Yes, my friends, it is for many people all about the penis. Yeah, I just got back. I'm feeling like angry mostly every day. I just got back from a big urology meeting, right? 13 ,000 urologists dissented on Washington, DC. And there is nothing about sort of... There was one lecture on female sexual health that the room was empty.

8:39There was one course on GSM where the room was full. That was good. And it's just incredibly frustrating, right? I gave a plenary to a room of 2 ,000 chairs because there are about five people in the chairs. So about 2 ,000 empty chairs. Yes, there were 2 ,000 empty chairs and there were about 25 people in the room. And me talking about the FDA box label removal of estrogen products. But the frustrating thing is when you're in the sexual medicine rooms, they are arguing and talking about the minutiae of size girth shape of penile implant surgery. And that's really, and when you ask men if they care about their penile implant surgery, they basically say, like they're mostly happy, but only about most people are unhappy with how it looks and the size and the girth.

9:25And as we all know, if we've all placed penile implants, the patient, Ashley probably has placed the most of all of us, that the people who complain, they literally will say, well, I need it bigger and harder and better for her pleasure. That's what they always say. I need it for my partner's pleasure. And that is where we have to stop fooling ourselves. They don't actually care about the partner's pleasure because they don't bring devices into the room. They don't have communication skills about what their partner actually wants or needs. They don't even know if they're on vaginal hormones. They don't even know if they have orgasms.

9:56They don't show any actual curiosity about their partner's pleasure. And they just say, well, I need it bigger and harder and I need it to work because I want to pleasure my partner. No, sir. No, you do not. This podcast is sponsored by Jones Road. I like to take care of my skin, but I don't like the whole cover up makeup routine. I like things fast and fresh. So when I found Jones Road Beauty's Miracle Balm, it genuinely fit the bill for my lifestyle and skin. You see, it doesn't mask your skin. It enhances it. No brushes, no complicated steps, just your fingers and go. And it's a total multitasker too.

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12:34It's the best way to support the show. Thank you for that. It's so interesting. So we were talking about this a little bit before, before we started recording, and I had this wonderful opportunity to basically do a consult with a younger individual who was about to kind of go off to college and basically... For the record, so Ashley and I work in the same practice and we do this a lot. We take care of moms and then grandmas and then they bring in the daughters for us to talk about sexual health issues. We've done this a lot over the years and it is so much fun to do. It's amazing. It is the best.

13:12But the thrilling opportunity I had was to say, hey, a really important thing for you is to figure out how you derive pleasure. And then when you have partners throughout your life, when you have sexual partners, to communicate that to them. Because I mean, Kelly loves saying this, nobody's coming to save you. Like you cannot, even if somebody loves you and decides they want to get married to you, we see it all day, every day. That does not mean that they know how to pleasure you. And even if they knew how to pleasure the last partner, they don't know how to pleasure you. Yeah. Yeah. Learn what it takes and communicate it.

13:49Because like Rachel said, they're thinking about how hard and long and big and girthy they are. And they are, you will take ownership, learn, take ownership. And that is like one of the keys to having pleasures throughout your life. My friends, we three urologists know more about the penis than any man does, right? We know more about your partner's penis than they do. And when I tell you they don't know very much about how their penis works and what they like or need or how it works, they have no idea, which means they really have no idea how the clitoris works. They really don't know anything about the vulva.

14:25Literally, we can't even get gynecologists to know how to examine the vulva or examine the clitoris. and you expect your partner to know your buttons and know how it's gonna work. And even, right, even same-sex couples who I take care of, like don't have all the anatomy and the knowledge and the ability, especially to know how it changes through the life cycle. I mean, how many couples do we take care of in my practice where, you know, there's so much GSM or genital urinary syndrome of menopause and dryness and pH problems and sex becomes painful and they don't do it anymore, right? They don't have sex anymore.

14:56So like, no, everyone is so clueless when it comes to just basic anatomy and physiology. So for you to expect your partner to know what's going on and to expect them to change with you is... Did she come in being like, tell me all the things? Or did she come in intimidated and shy? And then how did she leave? I don't know if she was intimidated or shy. I mean, I'm sure there was some intimidation and shyness because when you're a young adult, maybe you've only been used to going to your pediatrician. And not that pediatricians are amazing, but I don't think their average training is to ask people like how they masturbate if they do.

15:32Do you wear a seatbelt? Do you eat vegetables? And do you know where your clitoris is? Right. And I always find, I found throughout my career, no matter what age, no matter what gender, no matter how much experience or lack thereof, the key to making people comfortable is acting like it's not a big deal and asking direct questions. Like, I'm just like, hey i'm excited to whatever how's the weather and your mom is cool and how do you masturbate and like and when somebody is not comfortable with it when the doctor is not comfortable with it the patient can always tell and if you're just comfortable with it they will like let their guard down and they'll be like nobody's just talked to me about this in a matter of fact way ever any gender i've found that true for any age and any gender whether it is a seven-year-old with pelvic pain, a 98-year-old woman, a 60-year-old man, any age, any...

16:28Yes, if you show up confident and competent, you're going to someone for that purpose. Yes, it's received very well. I'd say it's probably a challenge for people who are more generalists, right? With a patient's coming with a stubbed toe, it's hard to make that about, oh, how's your clitoris, right? We are sex doctors specifically. So it is a little different for us, I would say. Let's talk about people who were started on birth control, maybe at age 14 or 15, for whatever reason that happened. And now they're 45 and they've been on birth control this whole time. I think a lot of people don't understand that there can be a lack of development of the external genitalia or I'm going to say it wrong and get murdered.

17:11And we have published literature on this, that the way that birth control can block androgen receptors, block estrogen receptors, they might have had pain their whole life, not understood pleasure as much, have more kind of GSM early on. But a lot of people do not get, I think, an informed consent on the conditions under which the pelvis develops when birth control started early or prolonged. Right. So, of course, what you're getting at, Kelly, right, is that combined oral contraceptives suppress ovulation and therefore they suppress endogenous production of all hormones coming from the ovary, estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone.

17:51And we know that in 100 % of people who take combined oral contraceptives, there is lower total and bioavailable testosterone 100 % of the time. So the problem is that, yes, if you start somebody who is not fully formed or not fully self-actualized as a sexual being, maybe they have never had sex before, maybe they're at teenager years, maybe they're put on it just so that they don't ever get pregnant or because they got acne or because their periods were irregular, which is, by the way, irregular periods are a normal part of puberty, then they may not know that what they're experiencing would have been any other way.

18:35Because that lowering of your testosterone can lead to reduced desire. It can lead to pain with sex. It can lead to overactive bladder, urinary urgency, urinary tract infections. And if you have not experienced your body in any other way, because you were started on this during puberty, essentially, or before you ever became sexually active, then that can have profound implications. And I have had patients who come in and they are 45, and I'm like, look, you may have spent your entire adult life not knowing the sexual person you would have been if you hadn't been on this. And again, I am all for contraception.

19:15Contraception is a modern miracle for professional women like us. It is a miracle. But yes, part of avoiding these problems requires discussing the implications of the hormone modification and potentially, if possible, waiting to start it, if possible. Do you think Rose Landry has an IUD? I hope they use condoms. What if that's a twist that she comes out? No, it goes beyond. You can get pregnant without a man ejaculating. Let's clear that up for people who need to know. There is pre-cone. There's pre-ejaculate. It only takes, I heard Dr. Ruth speak one time, and I heard her say it only takes one.

19:53It just takes one sperm. You heard my talk at Harvard. I was like, we're all miracles. There's 40 million sperm for ejaculate. 30 million. 30 million is considered low sperm volume. 30 million. Yeah. So it just takes one. Sometimes it's like 100 million. My cousin was that. My aunt and uncle said that when they got pregnant, they said they had not had sex. They were just very close. They were like... Okay, so we're still in that first scene and we cannot be here all night. So let's keep going. Okay, I'm voting condom and IUD. Well, we know he has condoms. because they had condoms and other. Maybe he couldn't keep his erection with the condom on.

20:31How do you feel about people who say that? Josh would probably have a lot to say about that, but he's not here. I mean, I think it could be a real thing. I think it's a real thing. But so is safety. Yeah, I mean. There's female condoms. Agreed. There's getting tested options. But drunk hookups with strangers, I'm sorry. Put your seatbelt on when operating at highway speeds. We have a little foreshadowing of them playing together at the American Cup. so we knew they were going to be in the same room together again. And now shoot to the restaurant with Rose Landry. She was there for an agenda. This is a really good scene.

21:06It's so good. This is also what Rachel would have done if she was dating him. That's why she... Oh my God, yes, I'm very direct. This is exactly... Yeah, you're so direct. I actually am so honored that you said that, actually. I would have ended up in a very drawn-out, miserable relationship, not able to confront the problem. I actually would have had two children with him first. Yeah. So this actually happened when I was in college. A friend of ours, we were pretty sure was gay and she sort of didn't know. And we like literally locked her in a car and we like confronted her and we're like, hey, I think you might be gay.

21:38And like, we could talk about it. It's okay. Like you could talk to us. And she was like, we don't know what you're talking about. And now she's married to her best friend from college who is a woman and they have children together and they're happily ever after. But I did have that exact conversation with not my own partner, but a good friend of like, just straightforward of like, hey, like you're, you're gay. I know you don't realize it, but like, let's talk about it. Of course you did that. Of course you did that. She also, for the record, she also wanted to become an OB, we went to medical school and she wanted to become an OBGYN.

22:08And I had to, I literally had to be straight with her and be like, that's not you. You can't do that with your life. You would not be a good, you would hate OBGYN. Like you're meant to be an internal medicine doctor. and she ended up doing that, right? Like, it's so funny because I was very, I'm a jerk. I'm like, maybe that's why I like being a doctor because I can just tell it like it is to people. Tell people what to do, yeah. Sometimes they'll listen more than friends. Friends don't listen. I've gotten better with friends. I mean, I listen to Heter Rivalry and here we are. You also would be very good at one of those.

22:34You'd be very good at being like Judge Judy. Like you would also be very good at that. Yeah, like I'd be able to like, I don't know. I just like, I call us, when I see it, I just can't like pretend like it's not there, which makes certain relationships challenging if they're not good communicators or if they like to hold everything in. And then it's like, wait, I like, can't we just talk about this giant elephant in the room? Like I get frustrated by those types of things. Yes. But I loved her approach. Like it was so lovely and warm and straightforward. And then he comes out like so surprising and what he says.

23:06And she's like, so, she says something so beautiful. She says like a problem is something that you can fix. Oh, right. Like, like you can't fix this. This is not a problem that you can fix. Like this is who you are. And like, that's okay. But she should be suspicious that he's not interested in miles because miles is attractive. This podcast is sponsored by Addy. Let's stop pretending low libido isn't a big deal. If it's bothering you, it's worth paying attention to. Meet Addy. Addy is a non-hormonal FDA approved option for women under 65 with bothersome low libido. Although the exact way Addy works is unknown, it's believed to work on brain chemistry.

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24:52Miles is probably too much for him. Yeah, he loves Elliot. And he loves Elliot. So here's a thought. Do you think Shane didn't know he was gay before the conversation with Rose? Because it did seem kind of like a, oh. The way his eyes got so intense and teary and like full of like human, like what that man can do with his eyeballs and his face is same with Connor story gets they're both both of them the what they can do with their fate the emotions that they can express through no words and just facial expressions actually just moaning guts me to my deepest core yeah it's it's it's unreal how he nods his head yes and no and how he's like and then it goes, oh, I think this, like you're saying, there's this intense waterfall of emotion happening in this restrained way.

25:43And to me, I think that is a relief of this secret being out. And yes, the specific secret of like Ilya is not out, but like that somebody other than Ilya sees him. yes it was a profound and it's not happening yes and it's not happening in this awful way that he envisioned for whatever period of time and i think this is a profound relief profound relief it's so beautiful it's so beautiful and then when he says that he prefers to be the hole and not the peg. It's just like incredible. It's so sweet. Diffused, diffused. And I think a lot of the show, right. When the serious moments, like it's real life, they use, or it tries to be like real life.

26:34They use humor to diffuse the situation to, they call each other boring. They call each other, you know, names, you're an asshole. Like, you know, the playful banter that is in every human interaction, I think is just, again, that beautiful reminder of like, you can be serious. Like sex is supposed to be serious and silly and fun and joyful and intimate. And, you know, like you have to, like, I find some people are often too serious about their sex lives. And you're like, what about the fun parts? Like, what about the jokes and the laughter and the weirdness? The farts. When Ilya gets in the car, he's like, what is it, Sajid?

27:06Because, like, dude, Ilya knows cars. Like, he knows cars. Svetlana runs a fancy carp thing, right? And he just, like, ribs him a little bit. It's like, it's a Range Rover. You know that, Ilya. You know this is a Range Rover. So circling back to their expressiveness, right? I think like one of the next scenes after that, Rose and Shane in the restaurant scene, right? Is then they're at like in Tampa or whatever. Well, we have Ilya and Svetlana in bed watching hockey next. And you also see that playfulness and you see Ilya resting his head on her lap, which is a foreshadowing of episode six when his head is on Shantla.

27:42And they're both having these moments with like that primary girl figure in their life that like loves them unconditionally. So you're like juxtaposition. Does Svetlana know? Yeah, Svetlana's known the whole time. Yeah, and I think like later in this episode when Svetlana's in Moscow with him, Svetlana knows that there's a man and she knows that Jane is the man. You'll never love me like you love Jane and he's a lucky person. Yeah. I love that part. I mean, it's amazing because like, I mean, is she kind of putting her life on hold for Ilya? Like, I mean, she knows that he's not in love with her, but she's also like...

28:19I don't think she needs. I think she's this fabulous human that doesn't need, like, has not. Like, her prince will come, but she's still, like, adulting and developing. I'd watch the spinoff. Yeah. The Svetlana series. Svetlana in the city. I would totally watch that. I just wanted to say in that scene in Tampa, right, where he, Shane walks in and he's got his, like, And he admits to having a stylist. Adorbs. And they're interacting in this way. I think this almost giddiness to reconnect. And just the way that Ilya looks at Shane's mouth while he's talking is so sexy. I feel it in my body. I feel the way he's looking at Shane and his mouth when he's talking.

29:05He wants to kiss him. It just says it all. Again, you can watch this episode with the sound off. Oh, it is just like he's unraveling. He's taking off that nice stylist outfit of Shane's with his eyes. Like he is doing that. And it is so hot. Oh, he likes it. He likes Shane's dressing a lot. Because he likes nice things. Oh, yeah. So this is like who he loves, made even more gorgeous with good styling. Yeah. Okay, so we're at 2017 All-Star Game, the famous bar scene. Again, the personal development. This is where we start seeing Ilya as very playful. Ilya in the pool with the kids, playing around, joking, like this serious stressed out person and kind of pairing that with what else happens in this episode of like him going through some significant loss and like a rupture with Russia.

29:54So there's a lot of Ilya development in this episode. I think that him being that playful guy in the pool while Shane sits there is like a glimpse into the life that they would have if they could be openly together, right? Because being in love with somebody is like this sitting there while they're playing with the kids and you're loving them for that too. It's like this window into what would they be if they were like boring married people together for like 20 years. It's like also a very public place where they're together in the same place and it's okay and it's not about hockey and it's like, it's a really intimate scene.

30:35They could just like be themselves for like a minute. and that's why then you have the hotel room scene that's like pretty intense. Also, why is Scott Hunter not in the All-Star game? Maybe he is. They just don't talk about it. Great question. Good question though. Is he injured? I don't know. It really bothers me. I think you could make Hita Rivalry with Ilya as a true asshole and it would be so much less of a story than the way they've made Ilya. Yeah. I mean, that's just too like, there's too many shows like that. Exactly. It's a trope, right? That's been done. It's been done. It's been done.

31:08Yeah. Okay, so then they meet on the beach and they touch hands and then you think they're going to go immediately into like a hot sex scene, but they go meet back in Ilya's hotel room. Ilya is in a hot black tank top, which is very sexy. We don't see enough of that. Not enough. Not enough of that. Oh, it should always be tank tops. Yes. And then Shane confesses his feelings. It goes very quickly from Ilya kind of being like, what, what? I thought we were just going to fuck and like, why is this serious? And like kind of being playful and not really listening to like Ilya crying. Like the energy shifts very quickly.

31:41We see for the first time that like Ilya, him coming out is a big catastrophe. And it's not just that he doesn't like Shane. It's like his loss of his country. Yeah. No, just that I don't understand how he hasn't figured this out already. Like I'm, but I guess it's not a journey I've been on before. So I... That Shane hasn't figured out he's gay or that Ilya hasn't figured out he needs to like break from Russia to live his life? Oh, that Shane hasn't realized he's gay. Like, did he think he was like asexual or like? I think Rose made him realize like it wasn't just about Ilya or maybe it is just about Ilya.

32:15Like, I don't know that he sees like his identity in this person that he enjoyed having sex with for many years. Right. Like where he sees Ilya able to have sex with women easily and be more sexual. Like Shane couldn't do that. And maybe that's what made him realize. but like you said this Kelly and over the year like over many at the times watching this of something about how like Shane had to come to terms with being gay Ilya had to come to terms with like the trauma of his family I think had him like trusting love and to like be vulnerable enough to be seen and loved by somebody after that childhood so Shane had Shane had no problem and being vulnerable and loved by Ilya.

32:59But that's where they both tore apart. Shane had trouble admitting he was gay. Ilya had trouble admitting he was in love with Shane. And I think especially by episode five, Shane is really coming into himself. He's like, I'm gay and I like you. He's getting a lot more solid on not just kind of being a recipient of somebody's desire. He's getting more clear in his core. And as that's solidifying, I think Ilya is kind of understanding that a little bit more of like Shane's not to be fucked with actually Shane's getting kind of solid and it's serious and it's he says his truth right he pulls the race for Ruben and Rose Landry where he like just says like I can't pretend I don't like you anymore like he says what he feels and then when they're at the cottage he's like can we just be honest with each other can we just like can we just like not pretend oh it's so sexy that's his like neurodivergence where he's just like gonna say it like it is he needs he needs clarity.

33:55Where's the paper on that? How many couples aren't being truthful to each other? 98 %? Yeah. Totally. 98 and a half percent. Okay, so we got then we switched to Boston two weeks later. Shane goes over to Ilya's. They have sex. Then they play against each other. And the next day, Shane finds out Ilya didn't go to Nashville with his team. And this is the fracture with the Russians. I mean, because he's like because literally like 20 minutes ago, he couldn't come out as gay because he could never go back to Russia. And then he's literally fracturing Raksha because mom's dead dad died brothers a dick and here's the question is the brother older or younger than him I think younger I think older I thought older and then I was reheated and I'm like I mean I don't actually know you think it just looks old because of all the vodka oh yeah it's like hard living hard living drugs drugs in the cold Moscow winter I'd say no it's because I feel like in the beginning when Ilya like in the very beginning in the first episodes when Ilya was still basically a teenager, I feel like the brother already had a kid or something.

34:56Maybe I'm wrong. Which, I mean, I guess he could have it be a teen dad. I just... Could be older. I don't... I think this is... In the next question about Ilya's brother, why does he hate Ilya? Because Ilya says this in the Russian monologue in the tunnel. He says his brother hates him. He's jealous because Ilya's hot and rich and good at hockey and probably was the favorite son, but he couldn't take care of the dad, right? Like the dad, even though it treated Ilya like crap. I'm sure he was the favorite son. And Ilya felt like, you know, he probably blamed. I'm sure there's something about the mom and like, just like a lot of anger.

35:31How does Shane not know Russian yet? He would have thought he would have like taken a little side project and learned some Russian. Season two, I hope they speak some Russian to each other. He already speaks French. I know. Why didn't he read Russian books? Those glasses are very attractive. Oh, put on your glasses. I will feel better when you put on your glasses. Oh, he's such an alpha. Like, no, put glasses on. And then he goes like this. Oh, I love that when he goes like this. Glasses on, he pokes his eye. Right? My dad just died, but glasses on. Let me control the situation. So hot. One week later, they play each other.

36:08And I didn't pick this up, but I just picked it up on the reheat. And I need to point it out to Rachel. Marlo smacks. I know. I picked it up too. And Marlo is spelled differently. Who fights Marlo? Who fights him? Oh, is it Hayden? It's Hayden! It's Hayden, isn't it? Hayden and Marlo fight. That needs to be talked about more. Hayden fights with Marlo. So Marlo smacks Shane. Hayden Pike, because you can see his shirt. The back of his shirt says Pike, who fights him and calls him a motherfucker. The boys fight for the boys. I was like, I must tell Ruben this. And Ilya just sits there right next to Shane.

36:45He's in shock. looking all like a sad puppy. Yeah. At some point in that episode, right, after the concussion and everything, and Shane is like back at his, he's at his parents' house at the lake. It's not the sixth episode. It's the Southern, the fifth episode. He's on the phone with Rose and Rose is getting like painted. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. And she's on speakerphone in front of the makeup artist, very clearly on the phone with Shane and very clearly talking about how gay she is. Yeah, I didn't like that. Good point for that. I didn't put that together. Yeah, I completely agree with you.

37:17Very exposed. But right before that, you can't gloss over his doped up hospital bed scene. Will you go to the cottage with me? We could take a week or even two. Come to the cottage. So my husband is sober and he's been sober for like 12 or 15 years. So I've never actually seen him intoxicated. and the only time I ever saw him basically like high was after he had an endoscopy. And obviously it wasn't exactly like that scene, but I felt like it was a little like that scene. Like he came out of his endoscopy and he was like, woohoo! Acting really cute and fucked up. And I had never seen him act fucked up like that.

38:00And that's what I thought when I saw that scene. It's like so sweet how like drunk he is. And like, I was really looking forward to asking you a question. I like it when he reaches out and he gets Ilya's hand and he goes, better. It's so cute. Apparently that wasn't how that scene was written for him to play it. Kind of stoned. And then he played it stoned and they were like, oh, yes. It was awesome. They're such good actors. It's bananas. It's bananas. They're so good. It's bananas. Okay. Who wants to wrap up? Who wants to wrap up the final scene? Wrap it up. You're my sunshine. so this is foreshadowing from the scene where um elena dances with scott hunter scott hunter and they she says you're he deserves sunshine sunshine and so now the song was you're my sunshine they win the cup scott hunter wins his cup and then he all the families come down to celebrate he's alone and he calls kip from the audience into the big arena and it's this big giant public beautiful coming out thing where everyone's like oh there's a fan coming that's one lucky fan oh who is it what's going on and then they embrace and they start making out and they say i love you and it's this very big giant loud moment very public moment everyone is glued to the tv watching what's happening glued and the whole like cinematography right so you've got the they're panning in a circle around the ice and then they're panning around Shane's head and they're panning around Ilya's head.

39:36Like it's all like happening at the same time. And you just feel it so deeply. And then the phone rings. I'm coming to the cottage. I'm coming to the cottage. Then Shane lets out like a, uh, there's like a, there's like a noise that he made. Like, you don't even hear what he says. It's like, and, and the captions are just like, uh, uh, like the most perfect like moment. And then it just ends. I love that. I love that we don't get, we're not privy to any more of that conversation. And that actually happens when they're in the tunnel in Russia too. So they're still talking and Ilya walks away still on the phone.

40:11And so I'm like, there's more to this conversation that we don't get to see. You're so Snoopy. Why do you want to, you've already seen them have sex. Why do you need to see everything? I'm just saying, they're building their relationship. All right. Episode five is effing fantastic. final thoughts or should we wrap it and then see you next time for the final episode if anyone is still watching this i we should hear from you in the dms because i'm impressed this is where we tell all the secrets because this is where people only the true fans are listening but you did that poll on instagram last week and everybody said they were going to listen so at least 12 people are here still here listening at least the last time i checked your poll it was 12 to zero i mean i it would kind of hurt me if there was somebody in the corner of the internet who was like i'm going to take time to respond no to this like why would you click on that why the fuck would you click on that i mean like get a life get a life or swipe wait there is one what person said no hey what's the countdown on that can you look at that poll okay i'm going to tell you let me see the view of the results that person's a miserable fuck responses, 96 % say yes.

41:20That's a solid A. That's pretty good. But 53, if there are 53 of you listening, I am impressed with all of you and we need to put your intensity. And I'm only going to take this slightly personally that Ruben thinks nobody actually listens to my podcast. No, they do. This is your podcast is so much better than listening to us talk about like our weird musings of heated rivalry for six goddamn hours. This is like, you know, if people don't like it, this is my experimental dance. Like, I'm going to do a month and a half of us chatting on heated rivalry and we'll see what happens. Let's throw it into the universe.

41:56I'm the boss. I decide. I just want you to succeed, Kelly. We're just here to let you succeed. What is, is that an IUD? Yes. Why, okay. To wrap up this episode, we've got Dr. Ashley Winter waving an IUD at us. Is that for Rose Landry? it's her ross landry it is i care about her so much and and ruben already went to her and was like rose you fucking listen she needs to be able to have a straightforward career's on the up and up she should decide when family planning is right for her that was not what's going on with why she's 80 gay boyfriends we got to get her to find some real like straight boyfriends she loves well because she was in two or she's six she's very dramatic i just want to know what her favorite musical is.

42:41She was in theater school. My mom went to fashion school and she always said like all her boyfriends were gay. Your mom went to fashion school? That's why Ashley's so fashionable. Her dad's an engineer and her mom's a fashion person. It like explains, it looks at their DNA and it just explains it perfectly. And then the universe is like, and I give you gorgeous, smart and stylish. You're welcome. Yeah. She's like this genius engineer who like has amazing fashion sense and looks, it's literally unfair that humans like... How did an engineer knock up a fashion... It's a great question. Actually, we need to know.

43:16They met at a gas station on bicycles. My dad was at the free air pump at the gas station pumping up his bicycle. This was like the 70s, obviously. And my mom comes there and her bike was like busted. And he said, oh, I saw her and she was hot. And he was like, your bicycle is busted. You need to do inner tube. I have one laying around my house and I live right around the corner. and the truth was he did not have one laying around the house and he did not live around the corner and he's like wait for me and nobody has any cell phones so she stood there and waited for him in the sweltering heat because this was in houston texas and she stood there in the sweltering heat at the fucking air pump at the gas station for 45 minutes while he rode his bike back to his apartment disassembled his roommate's bike who took the inner tube out and brought it back to her and then he asked her out on a date.

44:06That's how they met. This podcast is sponsored by Joy and Blokes. One thing I've always believed, if I'm helping one person with their sexual health, I always have to think about who's on the other side of that relationship because intimacy doesn't happen in isolation. And I've said this for years. If I'm prescribing a blue pill for a man, what about his partner? Are they dealing with pain during sex, low libido, hormonal changes? Are they both healthy enough to enjoy their relationship they're trying to build together? I see it with women and their health all the time too. She starts optimizing her hormones, more energy, better sleep, the brain fog lifts, libido comes back, and the next thing I hear is, now my husband needs help too.

44:45That's one of the reasons I like Joy and Blokes. They care for both women and men, connecting patients with licensed clinicians for personalized hormone optimization when it's clinically appropriate. And they publish peer-reviewed research on outcomes, real improvements in energy, mood, mental clarity, sexual function, and quality of life. Whether you're navigating perimenopause, menopause, low testosterone, or simply wondering why you don't feel like yourself anymore, the first step is understanding what's going on with your body. If you started feeling better because you've taken care of your own health, maybe it's worth asking whether your partner could benefit from doing the same.

45:24If you've been wondering whether your hormones could be contributing to the way you feel visit joyandblokes.com slash not broken and use code not broken for 65 off labs and 20 off treatment that's j-o-i and b-l-o-k-e-s.com backslash not broken code not broken and then sperm met egg and ashley winter was you are this is like everybody needs to realize that they are goddamn miracles. That's an impossibility. What if it was four degrees warmer and your mom got heat stroke? No, Ashley Winter. Or four minutes later. Or four minutes later. Or he didn't have low air in his tire. It's insane. It's legitimately insane.

46:09Ruben, how did your parents meet? My parents met because of a typo. My dad was editor-in-chief of the college newspaper and he was writing a story about campus jobs and he interviewed my mom and he misquoted her and he wrote her roommate name down as the quote. And my mom went to him and said, what the fuck? Like, this is my name. You misquoted me. And he said, do you want me to print a revision or whatever? Do you want me to print a retraction? And she said, no, I want a job and I can type a million words a minute. And he's like, great, you're hired. So then she joined the college newspaper as a typist.

46:43And then I'm sure they just got together because that's what people did in the 60s. They, you know, they were on probably lots of drugs and stuff. But anyway, that's how they met was a typo. and my dad recently found the article my dad recently found the article that what the typo was to show us oh my god it's cute good that's so good i don't have a good story you guys i don't have a story my mom moved to duluth minnesota my dad was in duluth minnesota and that's where my story ends like duluth minnesota god that's not like i gotta i mean people there like what does that mean like what's very cold it's very cold if he walked into duluth and she was just there or i think there was like a party and i think my mom went to the party and then like my the caspersons are kind of well known in delus because my grandpa was a famous radio person ergo me and podcasting oh wow i did not realize it's in your dna it's in my dna well my brother's a famous big podcaster too so like the caspersons are kind of a famous name in delus minnesota yeah so maybe i'm like throwing like that's all i got that's all i have it's good i mean you did okay Like, we're not mad about how you were formed.

47:51We're all goddamn miracles. I just need more details. I need more details. I don't have it. But I have a progress. Yeah. Yeah. Episode five. We'll see you next week for episode six. We're going to wrap it up. If you found this episode funny, helpful, insightful, please take a moment to follow, rate, and share the You Are Not Broken podcast with someone who might need this conversation too. That support is how this information reaches more people. And thank you. For courses, books, and my monthly membership and the Casperson Clinic information, visit kellycaspersonmd.com. This podcast and all content from Dr.

48:29Kelly Casperson is intended for educational and informational purposes only, and this is not a substitute for individual medical, coaching, or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of your qualified healthcare professional with any questions you may have regarding your health. Never disregard or delay medical advice because of something you've heard on this or other podcasts. Thanks for being here. And remember, you are not broken.