In short
Melissa Auf der Maur discusses her path from Montreal’s 80s/90s art scene into alternative rock stardom, her turbulent years in Hole and the Smashing Pumpkins, and how she’s processing those experiences through two new projects: Even the Good Girls Will Cry (memoir) and My 90s Rock Photographs (photo book/installation).
Guest backgrounds
Melissa Auf der Maur (aka Melissa Oftemauer) is a Canadian bassist, photographer, and cultural curator. She joined Hole in 1994 after Kristen Pfaff’s death, later toured with the Smashing Pumpkins, and co-founded Basilica Hudson in New York’s Hudson Valley.
Key claims
Her entry into Hole is tied to death—she replaced a deceased bassist. She says Courtney Love “should have been dead 1,700 times” and that they’re now closer than ever. She reprints Courtney’s letters for the first time and says they reveal Courtney’s brilliance and her own growth gaps. She argues alternative rock’s mainstreaming reshaped the decade’s meaning.
Notable examples
Replacing Pfaff on Live Through This; joining the Pumpkins after Darcy disappeared; her 15,000 negatives (1991–2001); a “Bass Womb Room” video installation; and a Pro Tools chapter describing “perfect” drum edits that risked losing human imperfection.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOMelissa's Journey with Courtney Love
3:56 to 6:24
Explore Melissa Auf der Maur's experiences in Hole and her relationship with Courtney Love.
“My whole journey in Hull happened because of death.”
Reflections on Rock History and Women in Music
6:27 to 14:00
Melissa discusses her memoir, the dynamics with Courtney Love, and the portrayal of women in music.
“Everyone's alive and talking and apologizing.”
Letters from Courtney Love
14:00 to 19:38
Melissa discusses the significance of letters from Courtney Love included in her memoir.
“But what were the things that I learned about in the book was revisiting the letters of Courtney that she wrote to me that I print in the book for the first time ever.”
Reflections on Pain and Growth
22:32 to 28:07
Melissa reflects on her childhood and the complexities of family dynamics.
“Yeah, my father was in line with like true torture pain, like alcoholic addicts.”
Reflecting on Musical Collaborations
28:07 to 38:22
Melissa Auf der Maur discusses her experiences with Billy Corgan and the nuances of bass playing.
“And then these nerdy bass player magazine people were like, yes, there's like a whole there's a style that you have and a feel that you have.”
Influences of Family Legacy
40:52 to 42:00
Melissa talks about her parents' influence on her writing and her connection to Montreal's culture.
“But I really did relate to your dad in so many ways.”
Exploring Montreal's Cultural Intersection
42:00 to 48:24
Melissa Auf der Maur reflects on Montreal's blend of ancient culture and modern technology, and her father's legacy.
“But it was designed by Homestead, who did Central Park.”
Grief and Life Lessons from Loss
48:24 to 51:17
Melissa shares her journey of grief after losing her father and the impact it has on her life.
“And so I think if anything, I get tingly and weird every Easter because he died on Good Friday, cremated on Easter Sunday and buried at the biggest funeral in Montreal history on Easter Monday.”
The Creation of Celebrity Skin
51:17 to 53:16
Melissa discusses the challenges faced while creating the album 'Celebrity Skin' and her feelings surrounding its release.
“and going up into Runyon Canyon with all these guys doing coke on computers, fixing drum and bass parts.”
The Evolution of Music Production
53:16 to 56:00
Discussion on how music production has changed with technology and the loss of authentic sound.
“You know, now, I mean, that's why obviously everything from dance music to pop to hip hop.”
Show all 13 chapters
Reflecting on Youth Culture and Its Changes
56:00 to 57:28
Explore how youth culture has evolved and been commodified over the decades.
“So as a kid, you're like, life is amazing.”
Musical Influences from the 80s
57:28 to 58:39
Discuss the impact of 80s music on the speaker's life and creative work.
“And we were so empowered because we were also coming out of the 80s, which was a stupid like I feel like we're in the 80s.”
Closing Thoughts and Farewell
58:39 to 58:59
Wrap-up of the discussion with plans for future conversations.
“The Smiths and Depeche Mode that lets you know what you're here for.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:06Pushkin.
0:10Melissa Auf der Maur came of age in Montreal's bohemian art scene in the 80s and early 90s, at the very moment that alternative rock was becoming the defining sound of a generation. Through an unlikely chain of events, her band Tinker landed an opening slot for the Smashing Pumpkins and Billy Corgan. Sensing her natural talent on bass, Corgan recommended her to Courtney Love. What followed was a turbulent apprenticeship. Oftemauer joined Hole for the Live Through This tour in 1994, just weeks after the deaths of Kurt Cobain and Hole's prior bassist Kristen Pfaff. Later, she toured with the Smashing Pumpkins, released two solo albums, and has since built a life as a musician, photographer, and cultural curator, having co-founded Basilica Hudson, a multidisciplinary art center in New York's Hudson Valley.
0:55Even the Good Girls Will Cry is Melissa's best-selling book. Part rock memoir, part travel diary, part psychedelic scrapbook. A vivid dispatch from what she calls the last analog decade. Capturing that era in all its messy, angsty glory. Oftemauer writes with the tenderness of a true survivor about the illness and death of her father, her past relationship with Dave Grohl, and her complicated, deeply human portrait of Courtney Love. Now she's following it up with a companion photo book, My 90s Rock Photographs, drawn from the remarkable archives she shot from one of rock's last great decades. On today's episode, I talk to Melissa Oftemauer about both projects, about how her parents encouraged an unconventional life in the arts, how alternative music went mainstream, and how her relationship with Courtney Love has evolved over the years.
1:45This is Broken Record. Real musicians, real conversations.
1:54This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. My kids' favorite place in the entire world to visit is New York City. So much so that they're begging me to come on my work trip I'm taking there in the next few weeks. And this time they want to go to Central Park because we missed it last time. If you're planning any upcoming trips, instead of letting your home sit empty while you're gone, you could be listing your space on Airbnb, giving travelers, like me, a place to land while they visit somewhere new. It's a smart, practical way to make use of your place while you're away and earn some extra cash at the same time.
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3:55Here's my conversation with Melissa Oftemaur. My whole journey in Hull happened because of death. I replaced a deceased woman who died two months after Kurt committed suicide. So the whole runway to my joining that band was death. And with Courtney Love, who I don't know, but just from everything I know of her, you just presume, I mean, I wouldn't think she's getting out of the decade. Of course. Impossible. She's an absolute miracle. She should have been dead 1 ,700 times. She is not. She's alive. And we didn't speak after I left the band for well over a decade. And we are now the closest we have ever been.
4:36that's great she's in the best mental health and clarity than she ever has been she has an album in the can that i sang backups all over she has a memoir coming out at the end of the year and a documentary film that's a real reframing in her own words of her survival basically she's but yes she should have been dead and all that like in the doc is it like it goes pretty heavy I mean, it did. This is very Courtney, but it did premiere at Sundance in January. She didn't show up and now she's reshooting it. And it came out to rave reviews. They should just put the original film as like an extra or something.
5:14That would be, I would love to. She's redoing it. But I mean, it's probably going to be better. I don't know. But it's, she's going to have her moment. Like this is my year, my little bass player year in 2026. And she and Billy, who are my grunge parents that I refer to, because Billy from the Smashing Pumpkins was my entree and my introduction to Hole. And he was my musical mentor. So there are these ominous parent figures. And when I left the 90s running after my two stints in two huge bands, but also notably two of the most. I never saw it this way until I left. And decades later, like, yeah, you were in two huge rock bands.
5:54but you were also in the bands with the most difficult front people, like notably difficult front people. Different reasons, but difficult. Yeah, very different people. Courtney and Billie are radically different, but they were for better first my second parents who ushered me into my adulthood. And when I left both their bands, I didn't speak to either of them for a decade and were closer than we've ever been. So the good news is that there's happy endings in Gen X, like alternative rock purgatory land. I'm so happy to hear that, you know. Everyone's alive and talking and apologizing. There's still time to go, you know, to revert back.
6:33Oh, no, I hope not yet. It's true, actually. As a fan, I'm a Billy Corgan fan, and he sometimes drives me nuts. Like, sometimes I read an interview, like, why would you say that? Like, what compels you? I can't remember exactly, but everyone, you know, it's like every third interview I'll read of his, I'm like, how would you think that? He's a bit of a wild card. Why would you say that? He's very, he's truly himself. And when I met him, I was 19 when I met him in 1991. He was nobody. His band had a 12 inch out. And we became quick friends, pen pals. And I was entirely captured by the sound of the music.
7:07It wasn't the man. But when I walked into the band, the first show they had a Montreal for a dollar in front of 20 people. I heard the sounds of my ancient soul in this band. I didn't know who they were. I just it captured me it changed my life I committed to making music and picking up the bass after that but I became friends with him and we also discovered shortly after that we're both born at St. Patrick's Day and in the world of astrology but also just saints are holy and cool but um Pisces were very overly sensitive creatures he was very unique as a rock dude at that time Because, I mean, obviously Kurt had his own true tortured poet, martyr tragedy.
7:52And Billy had his own weird esoteric vibes that was very different than like, I mean, obviously Soundgarden and Pearl Jam. Everyone had their own thing. But Billy's twist was sort of like, I'm going to say this with all the love, but sort of like New Age pompous intellectual philosopher. which is what made him interesting to people like me. I was like, wow, cool. He's so poetic and strange. But he also just throws these curveballs because it's not... Yeah, it's a little much. And what I love is... The line, though, between that and annoying for any... I mean, even for Dylan or Joni Mitchell, it's all the same.
8:30It's like the line between being that kind of a... Not necessarily to compare him to Bob Dylan and Joni Mitchell, but in a way... Of our generation, yeah. He's fairly committed to being a profound human. He just is who he is, which I love. I love that he's so using, his platforms are getting bigger and bigger, like from wrestling to podcasts to the Pumpkins being the biggest they've ever been. I mean, hooray, because they, you know, they really, they did dip. I mean, I was on, when I toured with them, it was the Farewell Tour. We were the band was dismantling and he made a weird concept then, which was also kind of like an example of how weird Billy was as we went on a world tour to say goodbye to the world.
9:14The band was ending. And who really does do a farewell tour at the peak prime of their late only been a band for a decade? It's not like it was like you two saying goodbye after 50 years. So he's a funny human that way. And I remember the whole time on that tour with them thinking like, wait, what's Billy's plan after this? Like, why is it? You know, I knew I was just a visiting temporary member, but it was the honor of a lifetime to play in my favorite band who inspired me to pick up the bass to begin with. And both times, I guess also in both instances, you're also replacing a bit of an iconic.
9:48Well, iconic and tragic. And tragic. So the problem, Kristen Pfaff, who I replaced in Hole, she played on Live For This, but hadn't even really been in the band for very long. She made an amazing record with them and played in that first video, Miss World, and then died before they even supported the record. So I came in at the moment where the band is ready to support the album. And then Darcy from the Pumpkins, who longstanding member, that Pumpkins were always that formation. And this part of the book, I think, is new for a lot of, but there's a lot of parts of my memoir that obviously I've never told anybody.
10:32but having just done an epic three-month memoir book tour this spring and talking to and doing what I thought was going to be 10 bookshops that turned into 47 events and multiple a day and hundreds of people interfacing a day with hearing their response and questions of things that they'd never heard like the deep dive that people want of the behind the scenes but one of the kind of nexus moments in my book is that strange moment that I knew at the time, but writing about it 25 years later, is when I leave Hole and join the Smashing Pumpkins all within a month. It was a very back-to-back strange move, but also very, in sort of mythological rock history moment, just very controversial for the good girl to just, like, leap out and go into the other and replace Darcy, who had mysteriously kind of disappeared.
11:25Right. And it was a testament to me and Billy's esoteric Pisces connection is I had just quietly internally decided I was done with Hole at the end of this tour with them. Well, it wasn't even the end of the tour, but Courtney was really focusing on movies, Hollywood. And I just wrote a letter in my diary flying home from the last show I ever played with them in Vancouver in 1999. And I just said, that's it. I'm done. I don't feel like waiting around anymore for a band leader to decide if we're making music or waiting to tour or not tour. And then I, within a week of me making that internal decision and preparing the terrifying resignation letter to Courtney, Billy calls my rotary phone and says, Darcy's disappeared and I need you to join my band.
12:15And I'm like, how do you know that I am leaving this band? Why would you ask me that? But I am. And it worked out beautifully. But it was totally bizarre. But that I explain in the book detailed as I think is even news to me of remembering how tightly woven that moment was. Because in your mind, they feel like very different blocks of time. Yes. And I forgot how, you know, like in romance, how overlapped. And it's a testament to Courtney, our mutual respect. And now even more so at this stage of our lives, we're able to reflect on what made us a good match back then. I try to explain from the bass player, good girl, to the right of the whore, I'm the virgin.
13:02So I try to explain this dynamic of the two women in this band, but it's not until decades later now that she and I can reflect on how that happened and how beautifully compatible we were, so polar opposite. and when I left which she was not happy about and then when I announced I was joining the Pumpkins which she was not happy about she very eloquently it shows her fundamental love and trust of me and respect for me she never said one bad word other than Melissa has gone off to be Billy Corgan's purse and that was her nice low hitting insult to All right. See you later. But I was very impressed at the time that this is like taking the high road.
13:50I'm just a person. No big deal. Did you think it was going to be much worse? Yeah. But but no, I mean, that's why actually I people ask me in this memoir what I you know, the hardest parts, of course, were to write about drug addiction of others and my father's death. But what were the things that I learned about in the book was revisiting the letters of Courtney that she wrote to me that I print in the book for the first time ever. I mean, I hadn't even, it's a miracle they survived because they were faxes and on that fading fax paper. And when I was putting my archives together, I found it right in the nick of time before it totally evaporated.
14:26by I reprint in full two big letters that Courtney wrote to me at the peak of our power, both in the celebrity skin moment, but also our power as women together on covers of magazines and all the fashion moments and all the at the Versace shows. And, you know, very, it was a very elevated high intensity time of our career. And it was the end of the 90s and women seem to be on top, which is another story. But she writes me two letters that I think are two of the most powerful things in the book. And what I like is that I get to give Courtney the floor. She gets to show the people who read the book just how brilliant, eloquent, generous, and noble she is.
15:12And the first one is the Beauty Manifesto, where she's giving me some lessons in beauty around the Malibu video and the edits. And she thinks I should be goofier or also be an ice princess and I'm a queen, not a princess. So cool. Great letter. And then the second one is her response to my resignation. And it is generous and incredible. And I took it with a grain of salt at the time because I just needed out. And I didn't read it for 20 years. And when I read it, putting this book together, I realized, and she is for anyone who's been in the room with always the smartest person in the room. Even now, after all the trauma and addiction and damage, brilliant, brilliant mind.
15:55And the handwritten letter that she sends me in response to this out-of-nowhere-ish decision for me to leave, I learned about myself 25 years later. I did not, at the time, realize how bang-on she was about parts of me, that I had not yet grown into. I was only 26, and this very wise woman really schooled me, and I wasn't ready for the lesson. And now, as a middle-aged wise woman, I understand a lot of what she was saying that I missed at the time, which is cool. How do you think she knew that about it? She's just so smart because I think her and Billy, both since I put this memoir out, have been shockingly supportive, like proud mom and dad who want to you really think it's shocking well maybe well we didn't like yeah both of them no i guess it's not now that we've we've talked about it but i had been out of their lives for a long time and i i don't know they're also quite potentially competitive people so the only reason i say shocking is it proves that it's all love like we they love me i love them they want me to succeed you know billy you're like you're like the child of a but it's like the parents can come together for the graduation and uh essentially since my book came out both billy and courtney in different ways have said to me we knew that you were this great and we both saw it anew from the moment we met you and now the world like billy even said at one point at a q a he ended up filling in last minute of my LA Q &A when Jennifer Finch from L7 called in sick, he came and said in front of a live audience, now the world gets to know how amazing you are.
17:47I've always known it. From the moment I met you at 19, I hadn't seen such self-assurance in a young person. And again, putting out a memoir is insane. Just for everyone out there, if you want to heal your life, write a memoir. It's so painful. But then once it's out and you've purged it and shared it and you start getting the feedback, some is hard. I've had trouble with other people, but this is an example of the people that are like showering me and we're bonding through my purging and self-reflection and empowering my story. But Billy said something that really a sense of what happens in your middle age when you start looking back, and especially when you were a difficult and sometimes hated person.
18:34Both of them were, you know, very misunderstood, yet celebrated, of course. And I think they both live with a lot of pain around. And both had very hard childhoods. They were not loved. And that's what in this Q &A, I was so, it really, I think I probably teared up if I didn't entirely cry. But he said, you know, what made you different, you know, Courtney and I were survivors. we had tough childhoods and we were strong as shit because we came from hard you were strong without that kind of pain and it was deeply i felt you know whatever that this the new world of therapy so seen yeah you know i just had not even myself understood but you know my father had pain.
19:22And as I've been, so I held an emboldened strength of a man who, for whatever complicated reasons it is, my father had a lot of pain. We'll be back with more from Melissa Oftemeyer after the break. My kids' favorite place in the entire world to be is New York City. They want to go any chance they get, even if it means just accompanying me on a two-night business trip. And this time, they want to go to Central Park because we missed it last time. And they can't wait to have the bagels. They're like real New Yorkers. They love the bagels. They love the pizza. It's crazy. Now, if you're planning any upcoming trips, do you ever think about how your home will just be sitting empty while you're gone?
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22:36Yeah, my father was in line with like true torture pain, like alcoholic addicts. So that's why the wisdom of a daughter of an alcoholic is a kind of chiseled wisdom that comes either destroys you and you become an addict or you kind of work with it and try to, you know, you go through complicated things where you then try to save people and you want to love everyone for all of their impossible traits. and you compromise yourself and your own happiness. Yeah. And you must feel, I mean, it's been out now and it's been really well received and all that, but it's still, you must feel like an open, exposed nerve still.
23:17I am. It was a big one, big exposed nerve. A metaphoric mess. I am like metamorphosizing and like healing actively and evolving. And then I have this companion book that comes out six months later. So probably by the time this is in September, The visual companion, which is to my, so my 90s rock memoir came out in March and my 90s rock photographs come out in September. And it is pulling from my archive of 15 ,000 negatives shot between 1991 and 2001, the decade that defined me and my generation and photographed by a woman in the band. And it's, I think, the thing I'm most artistically proud of, because that's all I actually ever wanted to be.
24:06I was in art school as a photographer. I assumed I'd make photography my life. But then I was hijacked by Courtney and the giant circus of 90s rock music. And then I've been trying to get myself back to this more conceptual artist. But the joy of writing the memoir was I got to really and also take the time to scan all my negatives. And in that photographic journey that is coming out in September is even more wide open, like my boobs, my nosebleeds, my messy bedrooms, like the rough and tumble existence backstage and the messiness of, you know, the glorious things to the giant crowds. And I don't mean that because we're so lucky to make giant crowds, but I have a whole room in the museum exhibit that's coming in concert with this photo book.
24:55And the last room is an ode to the fans and to the journey as the bass player in my interior spiritual world, basically, that merged with these oceans of people. And there's actually a video installation in the middle of that room called the Bass Womb Room, which is a throbbing heartbeat, a soundtrack I am making. And it's the inner soundtrack and prism-like light and video installation surrounded by these photos of fans, giant crowds of thousands. And it's like a zigzag between the tiny, intimate inner self that brings a sound through their instrument to commune with these oceans of fans for years.
25:42and that is very powerful. I'm assuming, you know, but music I believe is the highest form of creative spiritual communing with humans. You know, I love painting, I love theater, I love film, of course, I love photography, but the actual exchange and the way that music moves through people's lives and it's not just the power of the stage, but of course that rumbling of the bass through the ocean of the moving people with the people who are playing it, That's heavy is incredible, but it's also when they go home and listen to it alone in their room. It's like this inside, outside, private, public.
26:22And a lot of my work in the photos is really reflecting the inside of my life, the young girl I'm trying to protect from the giant abyss, but then also the power of this remarkable relationship with humankind. it's very exciting to be working in this medium to be able to reflect on what I and every other person whoever was in a rock band is doing out there every night and what those people in the crowds are doing and when I talk with artists as an advocate for music being the superpower I just remind them you can't hold it it is not a thing yeah it is abstract it's just sound which is like essence like environment it's so it's like air it's so powerful yeah moving air is yeah which is literally the base yeah just literally the base you know did i mention i'm a bass player for these people listening i am highly defined i am a redhead canadian bass player that is my top line description it's a great way it's who i am Says it all.
27:31It says it all. And your bass playing is amazing. Thank you. I hadn't listened to Hole in a long time. Listening to Celebrity Skin, I was like, the bass really stands out. And it's cool is that now that people are so nerdy, crazy, deep diving in the 90s, I have, from my memoir, I did a bunch of, of course, press, but talking to the bass magazines of talking to these super nerdy bass people who are like, well, there's a Melissa sound. Like, there's a list of feel that people know about that when you're in the studio, if like they're super nerdy rock enthusiast engineer. This was all news to me when I was doing these interviews.
28:09Like, oh, really? There's a thing. And then these nerdy bass player magazine people were like, yes, there's like a whole there's a style that you have and a feel that you have. And then you did you watch the Billy Corgan podcast with me? I did not. So because you're a Billy fan, that's it's I mean. I try not to take into any podcasts just because I do this for a living. I'm sorry I don't listen to podcasts either. I didn't listen back to it. But I was in the studio with Billy and we had a conversation about my book. He invited me on the podcast. And for the first time ever, again, this is sort of the joy of 25 years later and sitting with your ex-band member, he broke down my bass playing to me.
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28:51Wow. Which had never happened before. And again, it had something to do with time past because he's also played with a lot of bass players since. And because last summer he was playing, I guess, small secret show in Montreal of like rarity songs, not with the Pumpkins. And I joined for one song for Everlasting Gaze, which is on that last record that I toured with them. And I was in that video. and it was like riding a bike i don't play bass much at the moment and it was powerful for me to just get on stage with billy play that song and feel so instantly like cellular memory alive and love it and he said at soundcheck that day when i started playing he said oh there's that feeling there's that pocket again it's been a while and and then that's why when he did the podcast he broke it down he's like well you have a very particular feeling it was the first time and he's such a muso like if there's ever someone who could describe why technically or what i'm doing he loves describing things yes so he uh he broke it down so for all the bass players listening or anyone who thinks about pockets he describes the unique and i guess not a lot of bass players have this most bass players play on the beat of the kick drum so it's like you're playing with the kick drum some people in other kinds of music are behind and laid back and that's like a space between and that's possibly in jazz i'm sorry for the super musos out there i don't actually know but some people are behind the bucket yeah and i which i guess is less common but maybe for certain rock style am ahead of the kick and i push push push push push and i had i mean i guess I just play the way I've always played.
30:38I mean, when I joined Hole, I had owned my bass for a year, and I had only played six concerts ever, and my first show in front of 65 ,000 people at the Reading Festival, I didn't make a mistake, and I just played these songs. I don't even know how. And I used to say, and I still kind of do, well, bass playing's easy, that's why I could do it. And some people are like, well, it's easy for you. Anyway. Do you find other things that are easy, too? Like, we do find discipline as an artist. Well, I'll tell you, it was easy for me to write my book. I was done ahead of time. Did you write much? Well, actually, when I quit music at 40 to become a mother, I founded an art center down the street, Basilica Hudson, down the street from where we are.
31:19And I, mom and pop, alternative art center, reclaimed 1880s factory on the Hudson River. And I managed, promoted and booked all our music festivals for a decade. So I wanted to raise my daughter in an environment that was creative and exciting. I moved to small town America after growing up at the best city in the world, Montreal. So I wanted to bring the vibrant counterculture, alternative culture to the city I was raising my daughter. So we founded this art center, Basilica Hudson, and I wrote every press release. I mean, I was promoting the whole thing. But I also, someone recently, because I've been trying to do social media this year because I was not on social media.
31:57I kind of quit in 2010. I had a blog like from 2000 to 2010. So my web people have been noting like, hey, you were writing. like that's why we're kicking off my subs duck you know next month is that i always was blogging yeah when i when i and when the blogs came when the internet arrived i started right away these diary entries which are kind of full like beginning middle end but do you do you mean them to be or do they just come out they just come that way it's like i want to tell this thing but i mean And having spoken about my father and the ease in which I wrote this book, I am completely convinced that he wrote it with me.
32:39So not only just, you know, on my shoulder, definitely writing it with me, but I grew up reading about my life in the city, the life of my city in his articles. And he has a very particular column, beginning, middle, end way of storytelling. And I think having had my childhood narrated by somebody has shaped the way I walk through the world, narrating my own day and my own month and my own decade. And I think that's why it came so easily. But that being said, it wouldn't necessarily have been easy or good. And apparently it's good in terms of writing. I mean, it probably would have found it's way too mean anyways.
33:20I love music and I love to read and so whatever. But it's very good. I mean, it's really good. Thank you. I am super proud of two things. It's so long. It's 100 pages longer than they asked me to. And when I submitted my book, I had already cut 100 pages out of this. So I now realize the sub stack will probably have a lot of the outtakes because I had to cut a ton of the Jeff Buckley story. Like lots of interesting like sidebars that I wish I didn't have to cut, but there was literally 600 pages. So I cut 100 plus pages out. And when I submitted it to the publisher, I wrote a cover letter that said, I know this is longer than you asked for.
34:04But I couldn't help but notice that Thurston Moore in Flea's memoirs were about this long. And I think there's less women in my department telling their stories. So I think we should probably keep it as long as it is. and I got greenlit the exact book that I handed in. Nothing edited. I was ready to cut. It's like we could cut like the details about my Welsh choir teacher. You know, if you're really looking to trim it down, you're like, no, we're keeping the Welsh choir teacher. Okay, great. But to the point of it being well-written, both my parents were the most, my mother is still alive and a master of the word.
34:45She's a literary translator. She lives in the world of manuscripts and has for 50 years. So like I watch her, her day is ruled by now a computer, but when I was growing up, a typewriter and hundreds and hundreds of pages. It's just so and my father wrote his articles at the bar on a typewriter. So the written word was the power of my parents, but it translated into their talking, the way they communicate. My mother is one of the most eloquent speakers of anything, culture, anything, emotion. So I was raised by good speaking people, amazing writers. and so that ended up fueling obviously some kind of like I didn't know that I had it but I managed to channel I suppose but when I had right when I had handed in the book they were psyched we were waiting for the first industry reviews to come to sort of get the bellwether of what those book buyer kind of librarian people not like reviews of like rock people who care about Dave Grohl so it was like we're all waiting of like what's what are the initial reviews going to be and I remember it happened to be around then that evan dando put out his memoir and i i was invited to go see him play i hadn't seen the lemon heads in obviously forever and i went to the show in new york city and i hadn't seen evan who was a big part of um i realized he was cut out too so like yeah i don't remember him he's not in there it's no but like there's so many people i had to like balance like how many guys in bands am i going to talk about how many versus how many spiritual visions I had.
36:17So anyhow, I ran it. I went to see him backstage before the show. And I said, congratulations on your book. And he said, Oh, I hear you have one memoir coming out. Right. And I said, Yeah. And he said, Have you read it yet? And I said, read it? I wrote it. And he said, Oh, I didn't read mine until I was doing the audio book. Granted, Evan is like proudly a mess. But I thought he was like a literary guy. I mean, he's a smart guy, but I guess he doesn't have the discipline perhaps to write. I'm sure he dictated stuff. All I know is that's what he said to me. I think it was known even I'm not busting his spot because I think it was even said in New York Times like he didn't write it.
36:55But I then went back to my publishers who I love, Hachette DiCaprio and my agents and said, wait a second, Evan didn't write his book. Tell me more. Like, well, most rock memoirs are ghostwritten. And I didn't know that. And I said, oh, shit, are people going to think somebody else wrote my book and hands down my agents and publishers and i think it translated into the way it was received said absolutely not it's too personal it's too original yes oh they'll think exactly but you we just assume right picking it up this is going to be but anyone who can get through a book or who cares about writing apparently if you read it you can tell no one could have channeled like it's because it's not just i guess my voice that i found but it is the thing i worked the hardest on, which is where the bass player in me comes out, is the arc of the arrangement in a song.
37:49It's verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, bridge, bridge. It's like I built a structure of this book that reflected a song arrangement of dreamscape number one, dreamscape number two, father interlude. So I have all of these sort of interludes and then broken up by my photos. So I really wanted to be a journey and not just a literary experience. And apparently people believe I wrote it and I did write it. You've heard it here now. After the break, we'll be back with the rest of Melissa Afdamar. I just got back from an amazing family vacation in Northern California. It was the perfect reset for our busy lives.
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40:30So I asked the experts at Grand Appliance for advice, and they recommended a Bosch wall oven with side swing doors for easier access. It's amazing. No reaching over the heat, and they installed it in no time. Host like a pro with expert advice from Grand Appliance. Shop GrandAppliance.com. Your dad is seemed... Coolest. Yeah. I mean, your mom, too. But I really did relate to your dad in so many ways. I mean, like timeless journalists that I hope still exist. I don't know. I don't think they do. He was definitely from another century already. So now they're really outdated. Yeah. Yeah. Right before coming into this, I was approving as the heir to his legacy in writing.
41:19I'm his only child. but I had just received a request from Moment Factory. You know, that's a big and immersive, you know, they're a Montreal-based thing, but they do all the Billie Eilish, like Olivia Rodrigo, everything shows. But they also have deep roots in Montreal, and Montreal really invests in their culture. Quebec, even over the rest of Canada, the government invests in the identity and the artists and the culture of the city. And so there's always something. so Moment Factory decorate the city of Montreal with installations all over the place so like for example our mini Notre Dame Cathedral which is the miniature of the Paris one Moment Factory has one of my favorite like New Age Cathedral video sonic shows some people think it's kind of like cheesy but Montreal has this really cool lo-fi hi-fi thing where it's an ancient city but it's super high tech which is why Moment Factory and all like the special effects for films like they're the the french canadian the quebecers are very very like high tech yeah but the culture is very ancient and so but there's always these interventions happening between futuristic video installation moment factory and an old place in montreal and i just as i was walking into this interview was approving the use of a quote of my father's for a moment factory video installation they're going to be doing at the montreal cemetery so the Montreal Cemetery is the equivalent of Palachaise, and it was for Canada, you know, for like old cemeteries.
42:51But it was designed by Homestead, who did Central Park. So all of Montreal is based around this giant, beautiful mountain. So Mount Royal, the Royal Mountain that has the cross. And that's the park. There's like a park. Exactly. And I grew up in front of the park. I grew up on the park. And the cemetery is on the top of the mountain. My father is buried there. and Moment Factory are doing an immersive history tour of the cemetery, like projections, dead of winter. So they were getting my approval as my father's heir to approve the quote that I don't know if it's going to be written on his tombstone or audio projected, but it is, my life has been so much fun, it should be illegal.
43:38And he had the largest funeral of Montreal history. He was completely in love with his city. His city was his muse. He gave every bar, every alleyway, every homeless person, every nun, all the love equally. And he devoted himself to that city but burned at both ends by being a journalist and basically an ambassador of the spirit of that city. And he was a journalist, but he was also like a bit like, I mean, you know, he did a bit of everything. Well, he was a journalist, of course. He started as a newspaper journalist, but then grew into radio, had his own television series, which is on CBC, so ahead of its time.
44:17Like Vice TV probably were directly inspired because those are guys I grew up with. But it's 1969 to 1973, every summer, man and a camera on the streets of Montreal asking the people of Montreal at that counterculture moment, what's on your mind? And they would just stand with a camera and speak to all the wild people in the hot summer streets of Montreal. I have all the archives are incredible. And that's what got my father into politics. So he had his own radio and then his own TV show and he met the people who are the voters who were not satisfied with the politicians. So when my father got into Montreal politics and won as an independent in 1974 at the age of 32, it had never been in politics.
45:05He wins his first election and continues to run different districts, but then eventually gets the stronghold of downtown Montreal as his neighborhood. and all the bar owners, all the little ladies, everybody depends on my father. His number is in the phone book, and you can call him 24 hours a day as like the Montreal helpline. So my father lived to be that guy that you could stop on the street and complain about your garbage pickup or whatever. And then when I got old enough and I was on the campaign trails with him and knocking on doors and waiting on election night, getting all of these, you know, wait, is he going to lose?
45:43Is he going to win? and watching this ferocious determination to represent the people of Montreal. And as a 12-year-old girl, I remember one night being so scared. If he loses, he'll be so disappointed. He works so hard. And I remember tugging on his sleeve and saying, Nick, why do you do this? And this is why he's my hero. And he looked down and he said, Melissa, because I don't trust those assholes to do this. and this is what we should all be living by right now don't trust the asshole politicians to be taking care of the people and he didn't and he had the voice of his column he wrote from montreal gazette three days a week for his whole career and it was just what's happening in montreal he was the voice of this is what and he had his morning radio slot but mainly his columns which then was a book when um after he died we put together a collection of his work and it was and that's where I get a lot of the quotes in my memoir where I bring his stories about my life through his voice.
46:46And it is a funny place that we're starting in this conversation about, but my father was a very particular storyteller in that he wrote in that format, which at the time is like the blog slash social media of the time, it's the, or Substack, whatever it is. But he just three days a week wrote like a letter to Montrealers like, hey, I'm at the bar, I met this person, I think strawberries are stupid and raspberries are overrated. Like, he just wrote whatever the hell he wanted. And he was the voice of Montreal. And I grew up, you know, with kids who would tell me, like, we read your father's column every morning at breakfast.
47:21And, like, so I—and then I was a character in the column. Like, he'd talk about what he got me for his birthday or the time we went to Budapest and he got scammed by a person with the coconut shells and he lost$100. Like, this was just—he just told his— Your dad looks at the kind of person who would be thrilled that he got scammed by a person in Budapest. Yes. And again, I was scared. Is he mad? He was kind of laughing. I was like, I can't believe. And then he tried to go back to find the guy. I was like, you're not going to be able to find this guy. Anyhow, he was incredible, but he died at my age that I am right now.
47:51Oh, so do you have the sort of typical, the usual thing? I keep wanting, both my parents are still alive, but I sort of wonder if it'll happen to me as well. But I feel like there is a thing where people sort of start to get anxious around the age that one of their parents are. Well, grief is a beast. So no matter what, death is the greatest mystery other than love, because love is throughout life, but death is over. And then it's just left for those who didn't die to deal with the mystery of what the hell. Yeah. And so I think if anything, I get tingly and weird every Easter because he died on Good Friday, cremated on Easter Sunday and buried at the biggest funeral in Montreal history on Easter Monday.
48:37So we had this arc and every time Easter comes, I start my DNA starts sort of like flickering and I start having new feelings about him. I think it's been like 27 years now or something. So it's and that it doesn't change like there was at the 25 year anniversary. I think it might have been the first time I wept like on like I just woke up. I realized this is horrific. This is it's still it's like you protect yourself from loss and grief. But what's interesting is now that I'm on the eve of turning the age that he was when he died. I mean, I have actually felt a tiny bit spooked about that. And I'm not, you know, I'm not afraid of death, actually.
49:21And I'm grateful that I witnessed my father die at the young age. I was 26 and it was the greatest gift gateway of my life to be able to just look straight on at the brutality of how, especially the way he went out. Just, fuck you. Can't live. See you later. You're such a fun person to talk to. I wish I had even more time. Do you have any other questions that I didn't answer? I have a bunch of questions. Okay. So doing Celebrity Skin, your drummer, Big Hole, your drummer in old Patty, she - Gets booted out-ish. Gets replaced by a man. Brutal. Terrible. Tragic. Horrible. And the producer is a guy who seems interested.
50:08I don't, I've never - Yeah, Michael Beinhardt. He had a reputation at the time for making hit records, but being hard on drummers. So we kind of knew it going in. Was that his agenda to get her - It's possible. I mean, the thing that's so tragic about it is that what makes Celebrity Skin great is the songs. And Patty wrote all those parts. And we worked for years writing that record. And her punk meets just the coolest style of drumming. The record is great because she wrote me and her wrote together as bass player, drummer, rhythm section in that style that is that. But the agenda for everyone, for the managers, the label, and for Courtney, the band leader, was make the most glossy, radio-friendly, ready-to-go hit record.
50:55That's what was being commissioned. And so according to some people, perfect drums, and not nuance, but then I also write a whole chapter, which you might remember, called The Rise of the Digital Soul Sucking Monster. where I discover there's a new invention called Pro Tools, and it lives in a tiny toaster, and it's leaving our fabulous, expensive studio and going up into Runyon Canyon with all these guys doing coke on computers, fixing drum and bass parts. I was like, excuse me, what is happening, actually? And so there's a whole chapter dedicated to what I saw coming. And the joke is, yeah, they wanted it to be perfect, And I described this conversation of me and this Pro Tools engineer, which was like a new specimen of human, explaining, showing me these wavelengths.
51:48Like, is that what they're called? Wavelengths? Yeah. This is your base part. Waveforms. Waveforms. Thank you. This is your base part. This is the kick drum. And I'm moving it to make it perfectly. And I said, wait, wait, wait. But he said, Michael wants them perfect. And I said, but wait, but what about the perfection of human imperfection? Are we risking losing? and what's cool though now I have to say I mean the making celebrity skin was so painful because I lost my best friend in the band she didn't die but she did disappear to her addiction for a decade after that so it was like losing her and then also just the turmoil of the pressure of like make the hit the hit and just like the fame that was rising and Courtney's miracle of becoming all of a sudden a red carpet ready like the whole transition that what happened during celebrity skin was so drastic.
52:38So there was a lot of pain wrapped in and my father died while we were making it on the eve of releasing it. So I was a shell of a human. So I have very painful associations with making the record. But 25 years later, I'm very proud that it stands very strong, again, mostly for the songwriting. And I'm very proud of my bass playing and my backups. I know there's like 12 of my vocals to every one of Courtney's growls. So proud of it. And I think it has also aged beautifully as far as authentic tape recording and slight Pro Tools intervention. So now we've gone too far. You know, now, I mean, that's why obviously everything from dance music to pop to hip hop.
53:21I mean, obviously it's a lot of it's all made of machines, but as far as rock bands go, it's very important and i'm assuming rick rubin is still making real records with bands in the room you know like that's still that's so rare now because a bands don't even exist because people can't afford practice spaces so you can't everyone's at home making their music because you can't have a drummer and a bass player and you have to have 10 jobs to be able to do anything so you can't be in the studio like in a dumpy space for 10 years i realized too you know like people used to get like even for myself when i was in band like the drummer you know drummers just have like they can't ever stop.
53:55Grummers just can't. And I was thinking about how it used to bother everybody. But now you're like, the beat to everything is the same. You're like, the beat on a song never changes. It's like the rhythm is just locked through. It's like, because you don't have like an AD person monster behind the kid. Well, isn't that also reflecting like how mono are arts and culture other than incredible artists? You know, there's always birthing of incredible radical counterculture original artists, but the general mainstream of existence is like everyone's wearing the same clothes, liking the same coffee, and doing the same thing on their stupid phone.
54:34So the ironing out of characters that we were blessed as Gen X of the beat poets of the 60s through the 90s, not to mention the 70s. You met Ginsburg. I know, it was cool. I'm looking at it. Because of the book, right? Yeah, that's a section of the book called Fellow Travelers. And it's the, I went to art school for self-portraiture, but it turns out I went to art school for selfies. And that's like a whole grid of showing my selfies I took with every, from Danny DeVito to Adam Sandler to... Never seen a Zack de la Rocha, you know, where he looks so... Young and happy. Carefree. Yeah, you know, like not burdened by the weight of whatever he is.
55:13Freedom Concert, which was an amazing show and everybody was, you know, grateful for what we have in the liberated America compared to... at the time in the great 90s freedom free tibet festival utopia yeah that decade that from 91 to 2001 that as you explained it that being the decade decades never really do start culturally like with the turn of a right but so 91 2001 you really do capture it amazingly and you explain it kind of maybe as like a thing that wasn't so great and probably in hindsight it wasn't as a kid at the time. It felt amazing that popular culture was dominated by alternative things.
55:55Alternative rock. And rage. Hip-hop, which felt very counter-cultural. Everything was counter-cultural. Video games are a big business. Skateboarding. So as a kid, you're like, life is amazing. But you kind of explain it, and I can understand it now, as a bit of a loss of something important. Well, they stole they co-opted and stole youth culture counterculture scene and now you can't even have it anymore back to this monoculture everything i mean we watched our generation basically be like packaged and our you know don't give a shit about what we're wearing gonna sound like whatever we want to sound like don't even put on makeup when i'm going on stage like that genuine just carefree original you know no one trying too hard just being yourself you know got put on to literally the runway and like j crew ads so like it went from like this cool organic thing to like mainstream and now we're just kind of like flying through like fake alternative mainstream forever you know so for me that it's a an ode to the last analog decade but it's also it's a love letter but it's also a a eulogy it's gone it's dead you know like Like that was, you know, before all this like meta meta self-reflection and likes and seeing yourself in the mirror of your phone.
57:19It was just so free. And like no one thought about, you know, that whole silly saying of dance like no one's watching. That's what the 90s was. Just do you. And we were so empowered because we were also coming out of the 80s, which was a stupid like I feel like we're in the 80s. all these like porn sephora fucking like whatever this plastic surgery crazy mainstream like girl horrific and i'm a mother of a 14 year old girl luckily she's a weird alternative looking redhead anyway so yeah i we were coming out of the 80s being like fuck that we're not gonna like wear workout clothes anyway now we are back in workout clothes selling skincare with like Like, blown out hair.
58:01And with no, and at least in the 80s, there was a, what turned out to be burgeoning alternative scene. You had the Pixies or whatever to count. Well, not to mention Robert Smith and The Cure and Morrissey and England. England just gave it. The 80s were like the dream music for me. Like, I talk a lot in the book about my love of Depeche Mode. Like, writing the book, I pretty much only listened to The Cure of the Smiths and Depeche Mode. Like, I mean, it's my particular. I went back to my childhood of like the girl who fell in love with music who then decided she wanted to find her generation's sound.
58:36You know, so I the 80s was where I fell in love with music. And it was those guys. You missed not putting that on here. So this book was written. Yeah, I'll figure it out. I'll make a playlist, actually. The Smiths and Depeche Mode that lets you know what you're here for. I wish I had more time to talk to you. I want to talk to you more downstairs just if you have a little bit of time. Of course. And hopefully we'll see you again. sign off or anything. That's it. No, you cut it up for doing this. I cut it up and do it. Yeah, of course. Thank you for having me. I was very happy. I book really beautiful.
59:08Episode description. You'll find a link to a playlist to some of our favorite songs featuring Melissa. Be sure to check out youtube.com slash broken record podcast to see all our video interviews and be sure to follow us on Instagram at the broken record pod. You can follow us on Twitter at broken record. Broken Record is produced and edited by Leah Rose with marketing help from Eric Sandler and Jordan McMillan Our engineer is Ben Tallade Broken Record is a production of Pushkin Industries If you love this show and others from Pushkin consider subscribing to Pushkin Plus Pushkin Plus is a podcast subscription that offers bonus content and ad-free listening for$4.99 a month Look for Pushkin Plus on Apple Podcast Subscriptions And if you like this show, please remember to share, rate, and review us on your podcast app Our theme music is by Kenny Beats I'm Justin Richman
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From the publisher
Melissa Auf der Maur came of age in Montreal's bohemian art scene in the '80s and early '90s, at the very moment that alternative rock was becoming the defining sound of a generation. Through an unlikely chain of events, her band Tinker landed an opening slot for the Smashing Pumpkins, and Billy Corgan, sensing her natural talent on bass, recommended her to Courtney Love. What followed was a turbulent apprenticeship. Auf der Maur joined Hole for the Live Through This tour in 1994, just weeks after the deaths of Kurt Cobain and Hole's prior bassist, Kristen Pfaff. She later toured with the Smashing Pumpkins, released two solo albums, and has since built a life as a musician, photographer, and cultural curator, co-founding Basilica Hudson, a multidisciplinary arts center in New York's Hudson Valley.
Melissa Auf der Maur's book, "Even the Good Girls Will Cry" is a bestseller, part rock memoir, part travel diary, and part psychedelic scrapbook. It's a vivid dispatch from the last analog decade that captures that era in all its messy, angsty glory. Auf der Maur writes with the tenderness of a true survivor: about the illness and death of her father, her past relationship with Dave Grohl, and her complicated, deeply human portrait of Courtney Love. Now she's following it with a companion photo book, "My 90's Rock Photographs," drawn from the remarkable archive she shot from inside one of the most photographed moments in music history.
On today's episode, Justin Richmond talks to Melissa Auf der Maur about both projects: how her parents encouraged an unconventional life in the arts, how alternative music went mainstream, and how her relationship with Courtney Love has evolved over the years.
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