How Do I Stay Motivated After the Role I Wanted Went to an External Hire?

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1:23I'm executive coach Muriel Wilkins and this is Coaching Real Leaders. I've spent over 20 years working with highly successful leaders who've hit a bump in the road. My job is to help them get over that bump so they can lead with a little more ease. I typically work with clients over the course of several months, But on this show, we have a one-time coaching meeting focusing on a specific leadership challenge they're facing.

1:51Today, I'm coaching someone we'll call Maya to protect her confidentiality. She's worked in the same field for her entire career and has been at a large industry-leading organization for several years. When she first started there, Maya rapidly gained more responsibility. and recently she took a lateral move at her company as a step to getting to the next level. I kind of assist the organization, kind of saw, okay, you know, when you get to a certain level, the next level up becomes a functional leader position where you're not given a promotion because you are ready. You're given because a position has to open and you're about to step into that.

2:29So I positioned myself in this role because the functional leader in essence was a person who was closer to the retirement age. And I felt like, okay, this is, you know, it will work out for me. The goal has always been to grow. Maya used the same strategies that had contributed to her success in the past, leaning in, saying yes to things, and taking on more responsibility. She also made her aspirations known with senior leaders at the organization. I did have regular touch base to let him know of my ambition, to let him know that I was looking to step into this role, to ask him, what is he looking for?

3:07And what are the gaps I need to cover? And I was given feedback every time, like, you know, do this or make yourself visible. I did all of those things. I circled back. I closed the loop. Then the time came to fill the role Maya had been chasing for years. And she didn't get it. An external candidate was chosen. The feedback that I got was, you know, you could have done the role the way it is. but we feel that the external candidate would bring something more to the role that, you know, it will have a fresh perspective, you know, whatever. And that is where we begin the coaching session today, with Maya working through the impact of this decision and the surprise and disappointment of not getting the role she was working towards.

3:54It has put me in this very interesting position now because on one hand, And I'm really not excited to continue what I'm doing because, you know, the whole point was to grow. I have in a way managed myself out of the current role that I am. I had kept my resume updated and ear to the ground to understand like, OK, what's the situation outside if I decide that, OK, it's too long of waiting and I want to move. Unfortunately, I have capped myself out in terms of compensation and benefits. Like, I mean, I'm already a manager of managers here and a senior level, one level up here that I try to get outside, haven't been able to meet my current pay already.

4:41And that has become a very difficult conversation because, yeah, OK, you know, I'm not stuck upon money as much, but I wouldn't want to take a pay cut just to have a growth in title. That doesn't make sense. And so while that one path is always open of keeping, you know, that option open of leaving, it's quickly becoming very clear that that's going to take some time. And especially in today's market where, you know, it's difficult. That has left me with two potential options. And that's where I'm here for. The second option right now in front of me is, okay, I stay in the role and I find a way to figure out if there is more that can be done within it.

5:27Try to change my leader's perception and see if there is anything that can come out of it. Like, you know, if he's willing to create a new position, is there, I mean, is it likely? I don't know. Maybe it might be a stretch. It might take another two years. Who knows? The second option is, okay, I do something else in the organization, move laterally, try to pick another area of doing something. Can it be done? Sure. but I worry that I know I'm an expert of the thing that I do because I've done it for such a long time. Moving into something else, I am not going to be an expert of that. There is going to be a learning curve and yes, I can see that one role that I will step into.

6:17I can't map from there on out how growth is going to look like, right? Like I don't know the entire path from there. I worry that is it just going to be a sidestep into something and then coming back here later because that would suck too like you know is that just going to be two three years of distraction and I just don't know like okay where do I go from here because it's hard not to feel stuck I used to be motivated to come to work and now just feels like it's hard it's hard just coming in and being here. So let me just make sure I understand what's been happening with you in terms of the history.

7:00So you wanted that next level position. They ended up hiring an external hire instead. You weren't told you can't do the job. What you were told is there's somebody else who we think can bring more to it. Yes. And so now you're sort of left with, well, what do I do now? Yeah, yeah. What's next? Exactly. And you looked externally, but then you realized, maybe the grass isn't greener out there. So have you ruled outside altogether? I haven't ruled out. Okay. I just know enough to not put too many eggs in that basket. Yeah. So now you're focused on if I stay within the organization, how do I stay?

7:48And the options are stay in the role that you're in and try to see if there are more opportunities within that role. Mm hmm. And the other option is try to find another role within your organization. Yeah. OK. And I'm going to throw in a third option. Mm hmm. And I'm not suggesting this is what it should be, but it is an option, which is stay in the role that you're in and do absolutely nothing. Like, just keep doing your job the way you've been doing it. Okay. And again, I'm not saying that that's what you should do. I just want to make sure you see what all your options are so that you can make a choice.

8:31So if you're like, absolutely not, that's not a choice, that's fine. But at least you're making a choice. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's just, it's not about absolutely not or not making that choice. It's if I continue to feel how I feel today, it's just going to be hard. And what is making you feel the way that you feel today? And describe the feeling for me again. It's demotivation in a way. Like, you know, it's like the work doesn't feel challenging anymore. Not just challenging. it feels harder because now I had the vision for the broader organization that I was about to take on and the direction that I wanted things to go in and now it feels like I have to put all that aside and kind of execute somebody else's vision for the role which you know they they come in they deserve to do that and they need a person in this role who's all in behind that vision and I I just find it difficult to be that person right now.

9:32Yeah. I mean, I understand why, you know, as you said, you had a vision for what the role would be or what you were going to do. You were already imagining, you know, it's kind of like, you know, I don't know if you've ever experienced when you go buy a house. Yeah. You go and look at these houses and you start imagining yourself living in the house. Yeah. And then I don't know about you, but I've had the experience of like, you put the contract in, and then they're like, no, good offer. But somebody else's offer was better. Yeah. So you've been in that situation. And how did you deal with it?

10:10Oh, you don't want to know. Oh, I do. I'm not even kidding. I think I've cried like two months straight.

10:20Yeah. It hasn't been easy, but you know, I mean, it's fine. It's like, you know, But the good thing is I have had leaders in the organization who reached out and who kind of, you know, reaffirmed that their confidence in me. And that has been helpful. I've had senior leaders tell me their experiences in their career when they had a moment. Because this happens to everyone. I don't think I'm the first person who was passed over for a promotion. So that has helped. And I'm thankful for them. And I'm thankful for the leaders who did that for me. So I think what you're describing, quite frankly, is grieving a reality that didn't happen.

11:01And it's interesting to me that you then quickly went to like, but it's fine, though. People are telling me they went through it. You can move on and still be disappointed that that didn't happen. Yeah. And I only surface this because no matter what you decide to do moving forward, it's not going to make that like that never happened. Yeah. So I think there's two questions here. One question is, what are your options moving forward? And the other question is, how do I respond? How do I deal with the emotion of getting passed over for a promotion? because right now what's happening, I feel, is you're saying, if I can figure out what to do, that will deal with how I feel about getting passed over for the promotion.

11:58That's true. That's exactly how I feel. That if I have something else to look to, then I don't have to think about this. Yes. And so here's what I'm going to suggest. I would like to come up with a plan or I'd like you to come up with a plan for even if you didn't move on to some other fantastic option. You will. But even if, how do you get your quote unquote motivation back? What would make you feel motivated? I don't have an answer for that right now. I really don't. Because, for example, if this was an external abortion, it was easy. See, if it was a job that I was vying for outside the organization that I didn't get.

12:45Yes, I would probably have had a similar emotion, but it would have been easy to move on because I didn't have to go in and face in that every day. but that's true today like I have to come in and sit in this job and see somebody else my manager every day that is difficult and I don't know at what point it becomes okay it's hard to envision that right now it's fine if I'm coming in and still doing this job and somebody else is doing the job I wanted and they're my boss I wish I could say that there It is something that makes it OK. I can't see that right now. Then don't say it's OK. Yeah. I'm hearing you in like literally in 30 seconds go from it's really hard, it's really difficult to but it's fine.

13:38If you don't feel fine about it, you don't feel fine about it. Right. I think the question is, how do you come into work feeling not OK about what happened or Or how do you continue to do your job even when this doesn't feel right to you or you're disappointed or the fact that it's hard, right? Just because something is hard doesn't mean that we don't do it. What's happening for you right now? It's hard. People, you know, there's nobody who really gets it. Yeah. And you're expressing it. It's hard to share it at work. head. You know, for the lack of a better word, my life is great, you know. It just feels weird to get stuck on something like that.

14:25It comes across like, hey, you know, especially in today's environment when people are losing their jobs and, you know, struggling with. And here I am, everything is fine and happy and healthy and you have, you make decent money and to get hung up on something like that just feels feels wrong and so it's hard to state and grieve with anybody and so when you say that you know I don't have to be okay I feel for the first time like given permission to be not okay I get that and I'm glad you're giving yourself permission because you're giving yourself permission right Yeah. And I understand the reality of it in terms of, you know, people at work kind of, you know, they're probably on pins and needles because they probably know you're uncomfortable and, you know, your family but can take so much.

15:24Right. And you're looking around and saying, oh, my gosh, but at least I have a job. But it's not relative. I mean, what you feel is what you feel. It doesn't mean that you have to, like, stay stuck in it forever and wallow in it, but you at least have to acknowledge it. True. rather than brush over it, which is what I feel like you're doing today. You're actually acknowledging that, yeah, this kind of sucks. And it kind of sucks that I have to come in and see somebody do the job that I thought was my job. Yeah. And it's all right. And you've got to acknowledge it before you can accept it. This is the reality of it.

16:06True. And once you see the reality of it, that's when you can start making choices about how you stay or not. No, that's fair. You're right. Going back to your original question, I'm not OK and I don't know how long it's going to take for it to be just fine. Yeah. And I understand that. We'll be right back after this.

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20:46Sometimes the hardest part of a disappointment isn't just that you didn't get what you wanted. It's that you had already started imagining what life would look like when you got it. Then you suddenly have to figure out how to move forward when the thing that was motivating you no longer seems within reach. When that happens, it's tempting to jump straight into problem solving. What's the next goal? What's the next opportunity? How do I get back on track? But an important step that Maya might have been missing before this conversation is really giving herself time to acknowledge what she's lost.

21:20There's a difference between accepting that something didn't work out and being okay with it. We can recognize the reality of it without having to pretend we're not hurt by it. Instead of jumping right into a conversation around what she could do to change her situation and pursue the next big goal, I wanted to slow down a bit here and think about smaller steps Maya could take to support herself in the near term in her current situation.

21:49I want to kind of reframe the question a little bit, because I don't think this is about getting you to a place where it's like, this was fine. Like, it's fine. I agree that they should have chosen somebody else. Like, this is not what we're talking. I want you to think about, is there anything that you can do for yourself over the next, let's just say, couple of weeks, month, two months, three months, while you are feeling the disappointment of not getting the role? Is there anything that you could do for yourself that would allow you to still come in every day and do your work without making you feel like you don't want to come in every day?

22:41Yeah. What would be supportive to you? I'll have to think about that. Unfortunately, I have, you know, I'm someone who just spends so much time at work. So personally, I think it is going to have to be some form of, you know, me finding some learning to do outside of work is where I would I would focus on. Yeah. And by the way, this isn't about, you know, finding something to distract you. Yeah. Imagine when your son was younger. if he fell off his bike, let's say, and felt hurt, you know, and he was crying, you're kind of like, okay, like you fell off your bike five minutes ago. Why are you still crying?

23:26But he's still crying. He's still upset, whatever. And you asked your son, what is it that you need right now? Not how do we take away the pain? Just what is it that you need right now? How do you think he might answer that question? Oh, I don't know. He'd probably ask for like an ice cream or something like that. It would. Yeah. OK. And why do you think he would ask for an ice cream? It would give him something, a joy to focus on, I guess. OK. Right. It's something that, you know, for him, it's supportive. Maybe it brings nostalgia of something sweet, being with mom, a good time. OK. And so it is that simple because this is not the last difficult situation you're going to find yourself in.

24:12True. And so the question becomes, in what way do you resource the support that you need versus outsource? And so when I say that, how does that resonate with you? What you're trying to say is I need to look inward as to what I need rather than finding something outside of me. I mean, I don't know if that's what I'm trying to say, but I like the way that you're hearing what I have to say. yeah and and you know and I have always joked about this and it's almost like it's become a cruel thing now but I have always joked about the fact how like you know I'm a very boring person I don't have I have this I have work and I have home and as my needs from my home life has dropped this is the only thing I'm left with, you know, and the sad part is now that's become true.

25:08And when the work thing has stopped giving me joy, I'm finding myself a little lost. You know, I wish I could tell you that I had a hobby I could focus on, but I don't. Yeah. And I'm, you know, Maya, I'm not convinced it's a hobby. I mean, hobbies are nice. Don't get me wrong. I think it'd be great for you to have a hobby, right? We should all have something that we do. I go back to how we even started this conversation, which is that you said, you know, I'm not feeling motivated. And when you think about what motivation is, you know, there is motivation from the outside. So things on the outside that motivate me, that are given to me, the promotion, okay, that's an external motivation.

25:48The achievements, those are external motivation. But yeah, all those things can go away, right? Yeah. Yeah. But there's also internal motivation. And what is motivation? Motivation is what is your motive? I like to think, I don't know if this is made up, but I like to think about it this way in terms of like, what is your motive to move to action, i.e. motivation? And what is a motive? A motive is your why. Okay. And so if we think about it in terms of the situation you're in now, again, let's kind of go back to the baseline, which is what you're doing. The action is coming in to this organization in a role and having to be in the presence of a position that I did not get.

26:39So having to come to work when it is very difficult, what we haven't honed in on is what is your why for doing that? What is the why that would actually enable you and support you in doing that on a consistent basis? Not forever, but at least during this season that you're in. What's your why? Because you don't have to. Yeah. It keeps me busy and I'm appreciated for it. There are the people in the organization who appreciate me for the value I bring. I mentor people. I'm genuinely respected. That feels good. It feels good to come at work and be known for somebody who brings value to other people's lives.

27:26So being paid helps too. Being paid helps. And listen, sometimes that's the why. I mean, you said it before. I don't want to go somewhere where I get a pay cut. So why do I stay here? Because I'm going to get paid, you know, higher and I want that. That's fine. What I sense is your why for a long time was getting that position, that promotion. Yeah. And that's not there for now. For now, yeah. And so in absentia, right, when we don't have a why, yes, we don't have motivation, literally. And motivation doesn't mean that you wake up every day with like a huge smile on your face and motivation doesn't always look like that.

28:16you started answering kind of possibilities of what your why is. But that is an area that I think you want to really hone in on. Not again, that it's going to be the same why forever, but at least during the season, until you figure out, until whatever the next thing is lands, whether it's stretch assignment in your current role or being in a role at another part of the organization or even at some point maybe leaving. Until then, what is my why? Think of it as a season. Like summer is over, unfortunately, as we're having this conversation. Winter is very hard for me. I have to think about my why to get up and go out and do all the things that I need to do to stay healthy during winter, right?

29:08There has to be a why, okay? If not, I don't know. I'll stay in bed, but that's not possible. Or if I can't, then, you know, but choices, it's not a choice. It's not an option, but, you know, move to warmer weather. So I say that facetiously, but that's what it is. That's true. It's just like stating it to yourself, which is, you know, in your heart, and you are always aware of what your why is. I think it's just sometimes when you're fixated on something else, it's not what you're thinking of, right, in a way. And it just kind of, hey, like you said acknowledge that yes it sucks and it's painful but this is why I'm still doing it yeah and just having that clarity in front of me rather than masking it or just being honest and stating it as it is like hey it sucks but I'm here because I love the paycheck and I like to dress up and come to work every day so that's right because you know what feeling stuck you're only stuck if you have no choice and you are forced to be in the situation you're in.

30:14You're not forced to be in the situation you're in. So if you are choosing to stay in your situation, why? Okay. And remind yourself of that why. Yeah. While still acknowledging that it's difficult. Again, that doesn't mean that because you have that why that, oh, then everything should be okay and it remediates everything. No, no. All those things can exist at once. True. Okay. How are you feeling about that? Better. Better. Like the why doesn't have to be glamorous. It just has to be a why. Yes. The why, I love that. That should be a t-shirt. The why does not have to be glamorous and when it is phenomenal, you know, but it's not always going to be glamorous.

31:05Okay. So I want to address the question about, okay, yes, Muriel. Okay. I get it. I have to have my why I'm going to come in every day. That's going to help me kind of get through this season. And I also want to think about what are my options here? Yeah. Option A, stay in this role and try to see what opportunities there are. Option B, move to a different role within the organization that I think you said then you had concerns around what could happen. What is it that you feel you need to be able to even choose between option A and option B? so with option a i think what i need is and this is something i'm working on is just you know kind of coming up with with the path as to what that would look like which means for example how can we leverage some of the you know cool new tools that are currently available in the market and seeing if my leadership finds that, oh, this is something we can grow and Maya can grow and we can, you know, put her in charge of it.

32:28So that's one thing I'm already working on. There is a part of me which feels, oh, maybe, you know, it may or may not work out because I would have to convince my new boss and she would have to take it on if I have to take it on kind of a thing. So I don't know. There are many ifs and buts there. but I might be able to suss it out to see if it is worth anything to my leadership that okay you know Maya has been able to find some success in this and yes this is something the organization can find value in so that's one thing that I would be able to clarify in option a option b when I met with the other leaders in the organization to kind of get some feedback and try to understand, you know, what they thought of my situation.

33:19One of the feedback I got from other leaders, which was interesting, they said, hey, you know, it's one person's decision. You just have to wait them out. Or they believe that I can add to myself if I can do a few different things. You become a different kind of a leader. People see you differently so that might help eventually one of the thought process behind that is you know like currently if you're in one field there is one higher level role you are open for and if you do two different things maybe there are two other higher level roles that you might maybe consider for and that's that thought process behind it which you know I acknowledged I heard and I'm still mulling over for me for the second path to be good what I would need is I don't know like at least like a one step further clarification of like, okay, for example, if you step into this role, this is what the future might look like for me.

34:16It's the uncertainty of it. Like, okay, I see the next step. I don't see anything beyond that. And growth is important to me. So I think it's the non-clarity of it. Like, okay, it would be nice if somebody kind of drew out, okay, this is how this might go. I think the unknowable is worrisome. Let me just put that, just the non-clarity of what the second option might look like. Yeah. I love the name Maya because it means illusion. And if there's one thing that is an illusion, is that you're going to have certainty. Yeah, I can say that again for sure. I was so certain things were going to go certain way in my life.

35:02I mean, I can't sit here and tell you if you choose option A, Maya, this is exactly what's going to happen. And if you choose option B, this is exactly what's going to happen. I have no idea. But what can you be certain about? I'm asking you, regardless of which option you choose, what can you be certain about? I can be certain about the fact that I'll be fine. I'll always have a job and I'll always have a place to work. Even if I'm not working here, there's a confidence that I'm going to be fine. that has always been something that has helped me in my life you know every time I have faced any adversity so to speak like you know I do have a self-belief that I'm going to be I'm going to be okay and this is going to work out.

35:58And you knowing that it's going to work out doesn't mean that it's not going to be difficult because that's exactly what you're experiencing right now. You know, it's the it's difficult and it will work out how it works out. You're not exactly sure. That's why we're having this conversation. Yeah. And I think what I'm hearing from you and this is a choice, you know, there's a certainty around you are going to continue to pursue growth. Yes. Right. You're going to continue to pursue at least as long as you know, right now, That is certain that even if, I mean, I'm going to ask you, like, what if you chose option B?

36:37And then three or four years, same thing happens. Somebody else gets promoted. What would you do over you? What would you do? I will, again, I'll continue to do the same thing I'm doing. I'll try to figure out where is it that I can pivot again? What you stated is the truth. I will pursue growth no matter where I am or where I'm put. there is not going to be a time where I would roll out of the bed and be like, OK, it's the same job I'm doing. And I come in and do my nine hours and go home. That's never going to be me. So, yeah, I'll do the same thing again. OK, so let me ask you this then. Option A, option B and whatever options we have until the letter Z, what option would seem most viable to you right now or attractive to you right now if it was not driven by your desire to not repeat what just happened again?

37:41I almost don't want to bank on it to not happen again. Does that make sense? Like, you know, like I'm not talking about, oh, like I'm accepting it, move on, but I'm accepting it in terms of like I will never have a guarantee that this will not happen again. So I don't even want to put that onus on me that, OK, how can I make sure that this doesn't happen again? Because I don't know that. I don't. I mean, you don't. That's that's exactly why we're talking about this, because I think as you were laying out option A and particularly option B, what you were saying was, you know, but what if the same thing happens?

38:20Like maybe that's why I shouldn't look at option B. I don't want that to happen again. So what I'm asking is, assuming that's not what's driving your decision right now, you know, but it's like, let's say you you have a relationship, it lands in a breakup, and then you're like, okay, whatever relationship I have next, the only way I'm going to choose who I have a relationship with is if there's a guarantee that we don't break up. And so I'm going to look at all the things that guarantee me that there will never be a ever, ever be a breakup. Yeah. Yeah. Would you choose differently if that's not what was driving you?

38:56Right. Like if what was driving you was, you know, I just want to have, you know, I want to have fun. Yeah. So what else could drive how you're looking at these options besides the fear of getting passed over for a promotion? What should you be thinking about? What's your criteria? My criteria is why I want to do this other thing. Like why I want to choose the option that I'm choosing. What is the why I would be pursuing if I'm going with option A or option B? when I think about it that way the reason I would pursue option a is because I still want a promotion which is why I'm trying to find something that will expand my scope and maybe prompt my leadership to think huh maybe we can under this extended scope grant my promotion that would be the why if I go with option a option b the why would be I want to give myself more opportunities and diversify myself, I'll learn something new and it would make me a better professional.

40:11Growth will come naturally eventually, like, you know, that's the byproduct of showing up, doing the work and being good at what you do. What I do know is I don't want to continue just doing what I do. And not just because I'm, you know, I'm disappointed, this situation, all of that. But because I have done this role, there's not much for me to add any more to it. And now it's coming to me as a second nature. I probably give 50 % to the job. Even externally, it might look like I'm giving 100%. And for that reason, I don't want to just come and show up, even though I have a why that I love the paycheck.

40:53We'll be right back after this.

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45:21Maya is facing a real challenge that everyone faces at some point. What is your why? More specifically, she's struggling with how to redefine or reconnect with that why when the path we expected is no longer available, when the ground around us becomes shaky. What keeps us moving forward is something very individual that changes over time, and it can be something simple like a paycheck or something much more abstract. Many leaders attach their motivation to external milestones like a promotion, recognition, or a new opportunity. And there's nothing wrong with that. Those things can give us direction and energy.

46:00But we also have to realize that they're also not entirely within our control. When they don't happen, or our circumstances change, we can find ourselves wondering what we're working toward in the first place. In Maya's case, one thing that seems clear is that she's going to keep pursuing growth. She wants to learn, stretch herself, and take on new challenges, that may be an important part of her why and something she can carry with her, regardless of her title or what opportunities come her way.

46:34You don't want to keep doing things the way you've been doing. I get it. You do want to grow, even in option B when you're saying, oh, it would give me more opportunities I would learn. I think what I hear behind that is, and if I get those new opportunities and I learn, oh my goodness, that could lead to a promotion. Yes. Right? Yes. I mean, that's the whole point. Exactly. So at the end of the day, your why is I want to get promoted. There's nothing wrong with that. That's a very different why than I'm going to make a choice to avoid the experience that I just went through. One is offensive, moving forward.

47:13I am moving towards something, right? I want to move towards a promotion. the other one is defensive it's an avoidance one is playing to win the other is playing not to lose yeah same game but played with a different posture when you play to win how would you assess any opportunity that's in front of you i'm almost for the lack of better word agnostic to what the different opportunity is because i'll make gold out of it regardless because i would be like okay If I'm taking this, I'm doing this 100 percent and it's OK if this is not my existing area of expertise. I'll learn, I'll work hard, I'll grow and I'll make something out of it.

48:02Because that's what's in your control. Yeah. OK, so part of it is that is going to dictate how you walk into it. now I'm a realist what are the conditions that you think would need to be in place for any opportunity as you look at them just like when you go look at a house right we talked about house buying you look you're like oh what are the conditions that need to be in place that increases my chances not guarantees but increases my chances of my offer being accepted so when you're looking at opportunities internally at your organization, whether it's staying in the role that you're in or trying to look elsewhere, what are the conditions that you're going to be looking for that you believe increase the chances of if you do things 100%, if you put yourself forward, not guaranteed, but increases the chances of being considered and given a promotion or, you know, higher level in that role.

49:05You said you mentor people. So when you mentor people, what do you tell them around, hey, here are the things you should be looking at to, you know, beyond you doing a great job that will help to position you for promotion? Yeah, no, I need to network more. And honestly, that has been one of my big takeaways from this whole experience is that again you know not putting all my eggs in one basket not relying on one leader in the organization to pull me up or to sponsor me or whatever but but develop that relationship with multiple leaders and and honestly like in this whole feedback exercise thing that I'm doing right now following Marshall Goldsmith's you know rule book here on soliciting feedback and making a change and all the good things It has been helpful and it has been the first time.

49:58And that's what I mentioned earlier too, like talking to these leaders, it made me realize on how much opportunity I have lost being completely just locked into this one thing that I was pursuing because there was so much wealth of knowledge and experience I could have had access to before. And it's something I need to course correct on is to, you know, be in touch with, with more leaders. OK, so maybe that becomes part of your criteria for whatever you do next, which opportunities are going to allow me or put me in a position where it expands my exposure, not only to things that I learned, but to also other people so that I am nurturing and cultivating the conditions, right?

50:45Cultivating the soil that when the opportunity for promotion comes again, I'm better positioned than I was before. Yeah. And that doesn't mean that you weren't positioned well. It just is better position. Again, no guarantee. True. There never is. Yeah. That part is out of your control. What is in your control is what you can do in terms of how you do the work and being a little bit more aware and awake on, let me really come up with the criteria for what would be the ideal next stepping stone that would increase the chances of me getting promoted. Let me make that list and use that list to assess whether it's option A, option B, or maybe you come up with option C, D and E as a result.

51:43True. Is that something that you feel you'd be able to do? Yeah. No, and I like the whole, you know, play to win framing of it too, because I don't want to start anything out of a place of desperation. Like, you know, then just, okay, I need to whatever get out of my current state. But like that's, but approach it more from, you know, this is a strategic move and this is what I'm doing to be successful and putting myself in a position to be more successful in the future. Okay. All right. So tell me, given all that, what do you think your next best actionable step that you can take is? What can you do in the next week to help move you forward?

52:28Oh, just, you know, start out with talking to more people, people who I don't normally work with. Like, you know, going out of my way in making acquaintances, finding a way to be useful to them. kind of making sure like in understanding what opportunities are out there that I can see myself in and you know and try to make sure that that people hear about what I do and how I can support them and hence you know how I can be somebody who can probably step into their roles in the future because you know everybody has the owners of succession planning here in our organization and so people actually like the fact that there is somebody whose name they can put down and their succession planning, it's a metric for them in a way too.

53:16So that's what I would be doing. It's a bit uncomfortable to do. It's not the most, you know, easiest thing to reach out to random people and they're wondering who is this person and, you know, why do they want to meet me? But I just have to push through. Yeah. Yeah. And listen, don't forget that you were on the succession plan. That's no small feat, you know? Yeah, yeah. I was sharing with somebody earlier today. I said, look, sometimes you just got to celebrate that you're on the list, even if you don't win the prize, because there's only one prize, right? Yeah. But if you make it on the list, like, that's not too shabby.

53:55What that says is, ooh, I have potential of winning the prize. So I don't want you to negate that. discount that you were on the list okay thank you for saying that but it was something that when my hr later said to me like oh it was very close and you know and i said i said to them it doesn't matter it's like it feels like you know you're always the bridesmaid never the bride it's the taking of the feedback thing right i was listening to dave stachowiak's podcast about taking feedback. I forget who. He's a good friend. Yeah. And it was about taking the feedback and the individual on the podcast, she made a very good point.

54:39She said, you have to understand what kind of a person you are when you hear feedback. Because for some people, the positive gets muffled and the negative gets amplified. And I know I'm that person because there were a lot of positive things told to me when I was being turned down. But for me, it's like you are telling me all these positive things because you want to deliver this negative message and you're trying to pad the negative message so it lands easily wrapped in this positive messaging. So I hear you when you say that I should be glad that I was on the list, but somehow like my brain doesn't accept that, like, you know, for me.

55:17Yeah, because you've taught yourself to beat yourself up, you know. And I'm not saying, oh, that should take everything away. I'm just saying that that's the truth as well. Like, yes, you didn't get the promotion and you were in the succession plan. Like, hey, I mean, not many people make it to the succession plan. So it's a both and. And I would suggest that during this time right now where you are feeling the difficulty of coming in, that you not only pay attention to the quote unquote negative, but you also pay attention to what was said that was positive and that you remind yourself of that too.

55:59You didn't end up on the succession plan by luck. Right. I mean, everybody has a little bit of synchronicity there, but like they didn't sort of just make a mistake and put you in the succession plan. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So tell me how you feel now relative to when we first started the conversation. uh well the first very you know helpful thing was for you to just getting me to to acknowledge that hey it's it's okay and I don't have to move past it so fast and just you know it's okay to sit with it it's okay to say hey it sucks you know and I would rather not come to work but hey I love just coming in talking to my work colleagues and I get paid so that's what I'm going to focus on for now and show up to work.

56:51That was a good framing that just to say that, hey, I'm not okay. And it's, it's, you know, it is what it is at this point. And I don't have to mask that. And the second thing that also helped is, yes, there is uncertainty in pursuing path B, which is what really was more keeping me away from it. The approach changes a lot. the acknowledgement of there's no clarity right now on what it leads me to but I do know I'll be playing to win and I have the ability to make something out of it that's what I should bank on and that's what I should rely on rather than trying to decide what eventual end game is going to come out of it focus on the action piece of it rather than saying oh like if I do this then And where did I get to that?

57:43Yeah. That's immaterial right now. It's just, you know, how you approach just the first step. And you know why you are there. And again, find your why. I'll always focus on that. Like find your why. Why am I pursuing this? Yeah. And just to give myself multiple options. That's really the bottom line of it. And it's okay. And I understand that giving myself multiple options doesn't mean I'll be maybe, I have to succeed at something. It's possible I may not. but I'll always have the knowledge of knowing that, hey, I tried, I showed up, I gave my best. You tried, you showed up, you gave your best.

58:19Yeah. I love that. And I think what you're showing, Maya, is that in the reality of uncertainty, you can create certainty in the present, which is in how you show up and that's what you're doing. Okay? Yeah. So keep me posted. I will. Let me know how things net out for you. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

58:48Today's conversation had an important reminder that disappointment doesn't have to dictate what comes next. It's tempting to make our next move based on what we want to avoid, not getting passed over again, not feeling rejected again. But when we focus on preventing the past from repeating itself, we can end up playing defense instead of moving toward what we actually want. Making decisions out of fear keeps us focused on what might go wrong. Making decisions based on possibility, on the other hand, helps us envision what might go right. For Maya, that means getting clear about what growth looks like, building relationships beyond her immediate team, and seeking opportunities to learn.

59:30If you're facing a setback of your own, give yourself some time to feel it. Then ask yourself, am I making this decision because I'm afraid of what might happen again or because I'm excited about what might be possible? You can learn from the past without letting it define your future. The goal isn't to make sure you're never disappointed again. It's to make sure the fear of disappointment doesn't keep you from moving forward. That's it for today. Come back in two weeks for a new Coaching Real Leaders Ask Muriel Anything episode. If you want me to coach you through an issue or have a question you want answered, head on over to coachingrealleaders.com and let me know.

1:00:11And if you want to unpack the episodes from Coaching Real Leaders, you can join me at coachingrealleaderscommunity.com, where I host live discussions about each coaching session you hear on this show. You can also follow me on LinkedIn at Muriel Wilkins and on Instagram at Coach Muriel Wilkins. A reminder that if you love these coaching conversations, it would mean the world to me if you would go to Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to subscribe to the show and leave a five-star review. Thank you to my producer, Mary Du, sound editor, Nick Kringko, music composer, Brian Campbell, and my chief of staff, Emily Sofa.

1:00:50Much gratitude to the leaders who join me in these coaching conversations and to you, our listeners, who share in their journeys. I'm Uriel Wilkins until next time be well