BITESIZE | A Monk’s Guide To Finding Happiness & Cultivating Inner Peace | Haemin Sunim #595

0:00Today's Bite Size episode is sponsored by AG1, a daily health drink that has been in my own life for over seven years. So, why might you consider bringing AG1 into your life? Well, there are many reasons, such as enhanced gut health and support for your immune system. But one of the main reasons, I would say, is to help you with your energy levels. Now AG1 contains a blend of different nutrients including B vitamins, vitamin C and magnesium which can help reduce tiredness and fatigue and give you a boost in energy. And unlike caffeine, these nutrients actually work with your body's natural energy systems and don't have a negative impact on your sleep.

0:47Right now, during the month of May, AG1 is offering my listeners a brilliant deal. Your first month's subscription will be only£59, saving you£20 off the regular price. On top of that, you'll get a free welcome kit, a shaker bottle, a scoop, five travel packs and a bottle of vitamin D3 and K2 drops. You can see all details at drinkag1.com forward slash live more. Welcome to Feel Better Live More Bite Size, your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 476 of the podcast with Buddhist monk Heimin Sunim. Heyman is a Zen Buddhist teacher and the author of two Sunday Times bestselling books Including the beautiful When Things Don't Go Your Way Zen Wisdom for Difficult Times In this clip he shares some of his top tips and practical insights to live a better life You also write in the book about three tips for a better life the first one of those tips is don't ask what others have said about you great tip can you explain why you recommend that um when we are young you know we tend to think about uh we are so concerned about how other people are saying things about me.

2:28But as we get older and older and we become wiser, that is, they don't really think about me that much, you know, because I don't think about them, you know, that often. Even if I do, it's not for a long period of time. We just tend to just assume that everybody is looking at me and judging me and think about how, you know, my clothing is not good or the way I talk is not good or whatever. But that's not true, you know. Essentially, you know, we really do not know about other people other than our own experience. So what happens is that when we try to understand other people, we bring our own experience onto that.

3:19So when people are talking about, you know, me, they are essentially talking about themselves because that particular part you know what they have witnessed it resonates with them you know their own experience and thereby they want to talk about that particular aspect of you so although it sounds as though they are talking about them you know it often if you actually listen they are talking about themselves so So I, rather than, you know, caring so much about what other people are saying about you, just get in touch with your own intention. You know, first in Buddhism, we call the beginner's mind.

4:07Remember why you got into this profession, you know, why you are doing things, you know, in the first place. because as you are working, I'm sure there will be a lot of criticism. A lot of people will say, this is not right and that is not right. But in so far as helping others, serving other people, I'm sure that's where the meaning of our lives arise. So if you can just get in touch with that, I am doing things to help other people. And certainly there will be other people's may, you know, misconstrue. Yeah. Yeah. However, you know, insofar as your intention is still pure, then I think you can just continue to do your work.

5:00Yeah. What I really like about that tip, because it really, really resonated. And I think the reason is, in the past, I very much would have wanted to know what other people were saying about me. If I heard something at work or something. Well, who said what? Who said that? Did they understand this? And until I read that yesterday in your book, I hadn't realized how much that had changed for me when it's this idea, isn't it? That what other people think of you is none of your business. They're entitled to think whatever they want to. And I think the key for that is not don't care about what others have said about you.

5:39You say, don't even ask. Right? I love that. Don't even ask. You don't even need to know. Why do you need to know? I reckon there's so many people who'll be listening to that who go, I always want to know what people are saying. Who said what? But how does that even help you? It just gets you dragged down into this negative mindset. You've just got to act as much as you can in accordance with your values. And if you do that, how other people interpret it, it's kind of up to them, isn't it? Right. And we have no control over Or how other people think of us, what they are saying about us. We have no control.

6:16Well, that speaks to the third one there. Three tips for a better life. I've just mentioned the first one. The third one in those three is let go of things outside your control. Why is that so important for people? I think we assume that somehow we can control other people's, how they think. Especially how they think about ourselves. But we cannot simply recognizing the impossibility of controlling other peoples that frees us from all the psychological stress and struggle that we are feeling. In English, we have a term called people pleasing. And I think that very much speaks to this idea. You know, I think the underlying energy behind people pleasing is often I'm trying to control what other people think of me.

7:16I'm trying to behave in certain ways so that people like me, they accept me. And, you know, we have a desire as humans for that connection. We want other people to like us. but I guess people pleases or excessive people pleases, actually it is a form of control. You're trying to control what other people think of you. And it comes at a huge cost because you're no longer being yourself in order to be liked by others. Right. And you are neglecting your own needs, your own desire at the same time. So I would say that rather than trying to earn other people's positive opinions of you, see if you can first become a validator.

8:08We look for outside validations. and however if you can just be your own validator that is to you know write it down all the wonderful things that you have done you know for the last i don't know like you know several years then actually celebrate your own achievement so that sounds like another practical tip for people right because we are living in a time when many people are struggling with happiness they're struggling with their moods they're struggling with the state of the world as you say things outside their control a lot of the time and we mentioned quite a few practical things that people can do but this one sounds like a new one it's it's kind of like gratitude but it's gratitude for yourself is that a fair way to describe it yes and celebrate your own achievement we tend to just downgrade you know what we have done and you know imagining that oh this was nothing you know like of being just humble or just we took it for granted however if we can say hey you know let's imagine myself you know five years ago or ten years ago you know if i you know had known that i would have achieved this amount of you know things for the next 10 years then i'm sure my younger self wouldn't have believed you know what i said um so that could be something we text ourselves each day as well, couldn't it?

9:35We could send ourselves a message. So when we're feeling down or we feel that we're worthless and we've got nothing to contribute, actually, you can look at that list and go, oh, I made sure my friend was okay when he was struggling. I went around and brought my neighbor some shopping when they broke their leg and they couldn't get out. You know, and whatever it might be, you're putting those deposits in the bank of saying, no I am someone who's worthy I am someone who actually is contributing to this world I've seen so many patients over the years who really really struggle with their mood with things like depression and anxiety and a lot of the time they become really me focused they're stuck in their own heads yes yeah can you maybe speak to that yes you know when we think less about ourselves that's when we become happier that's another important lessons I think if we are trying very hard to make ourselves happy then there is no guarantee that we will be happy however if you are making other people happy then there is you'll be sure to be happier this is like beautiful Buddhist teaching by Shantideva And I think we should remember that just by trying to make myself happy, we think this is going to bring me happiness.

11:10Yes, it is important to do self-care. But at the same time, we also have to remember we live in this interconnected web of reality. So when my child or my mother, my wife is happy, then of course it's going to influence my own happiness. And if I do volunteer work for the homeless people in Korea, when I do that, there's a feeling of meaning in my life when I do that. I generally become a lot happier after two, three hours of volunteer work. So connection is another key ingredient for happiness. When we feel connected to nature, when we feel connected to another human being, that's when we feel happy.

12:06Yeah. I know for me, sometimes if I'm not having the best day and I go to the local supermarket, I can feel amazing. afterwards. I'm a very chatty person. So if I'm at the supermarket, I'll be chatting to the people who work there and the cashier and things. And it's amazing just five minutes of interaction with people who you don't know well, right? They're not like your close friends or your family, but you might see them from time to time. On the way walking home or on the way up to my car in the car park, I feel like I've had this real boost to feel good. And that's how simple improving our mental wellbeing can be from time to time, can't it?

12:54You can't do it if you're stuck at home in your own head, just scrolling the lives of other people on social media. You have to get in the real world and interact with someone else, no matter how small. It is incredible what kind of impact that has on our you know on the way that we feel isn't it yes it will get you out of your own you know self-obsessive you know thinking mind as we move away from me me me me and then actually pay attention to people around us and making this micro connections yeah here and there this will just remind us how connected we are to the world and when we feel the connection we become happier.

13:37You mentioned, I think, a really key point, which is we're looking for that sweet spot. We're not looking to neglect our own needs and do everything for everyone else at the expense of ourself, nor are we trying to go to the other extreme where everything is me focused. I don't care about anyone else as long as I'm meditating and I'm walking and I'm doing what I need to do for me and i think that is a a sweet spot that many people struggle to find do you have any tips on how they can get the right balance between self-care and doing things for others um again you know i will check with my body okay yeah when i feel extremely tired you know helping other people then it is time for me to take care of my you know body myself so uh it's important to uh just turning in and feel how your body is feeling at that moment.

14:37Yeah. That speaks to me about the importance of solitude. And solitude is something I talk a lot about and I write a lot about, because I feel very strongly that in this modern 21st century world where many stroke most people feel chronically stressed and overloaded and they don't feel they have time to do all the things that they want to do for themselves. I feel that a daily practice of solitude is probably the most valuable thing they can invest in because it's that time by yourself, whether it's to do a body scan or to write down three things you're grateful for, whatever it might be, it's time where you can actually nourish yourself and actually reflect on your life and know if you have to make changes or not.

15:26Now, you write about solitude in this new book and you specifically say this, one who knows how to enjoy time by themselves without depending on others is a free person. Having a lot of time does not in and of itself make a person free. So can you speak to that? Can you speak to the importance of solitude and why so many people struggle to be okay just with themselves and why it's so important that we cultivate that skill i often go out to my local park and without bringing my cell phone yeah you know it's just yeah giving myself maybe 30 minutes or you know one hour just alone you know without being constantly connected to other people.

16:19This gives us a sense of peace and also connection to nature. And as we are feeling nature and also how my body is feeling and then witnessing beauty of nature, the sound of birds, the trees and flowers and all of that, it kind of restore our sense of balance you know it restore um what it means to be me is that the nature doing it or is it the time alone or is it both i think it's both you know they have such a powerful uh restorative you know uh power um just being alone but at the same time out in nature. Oftentimes we think about something and this stress us out. However, if we are outside, it feels like, you know, like your thought is still there, but it's like, you know, little, you feel like in this great context of amazing nature, it's just a little thing as opposed to if you're sitting in front of your desk, in front of your computer and just ruminating about this, you know, stressful event that you have to think about, then it feels like that is a huge, you know, something that you cannot overcome.

17:42So I think it's very important that we can just spend some time alone in nature. You've been a practicing Buddhist monk for over two decades, I think 25 years. Are there some common practices that you recommend time and time again to people? Like practices that have stood the test of time and always make a difference, no matter whether someone lives in Korea, the UK or America. And if so, what are they? In my new book, I talk about the importance of having your own sacred space. You know, you might be living in a huge city, like in London or Manchester or New York. But if you can find little corner, little nook, you know, of your, I don't know, favorite bookshop or coffee shop or under the tree, your favorite tree in a public park or church or mosque or, you know, temple, somewhere you feel like relaxed.

18:52And can enjoy the moment. Or in front of your favorite painting in your local museum. If you can just find those spots and go there again and again. And that place becomes your sacred space. So although the city that you live, you may feel this is kind of impersonal and overwhelming. but by having those you know sacred space you know personalize your daily experience and you actually enjoy being alone in that space it's important that that space is outside the place where you live or could it be a particular room in your house or your apartment you know because just trying to broaden it out if someone feels that they can't get out can you can you also get that relaxation and restoration in your place of residence?

19:52I think it's possible you know you just create in a special corner if you are a meditator for example you can just make it one corner in your room and this is where I'm going to sit and meditate but at the same time I think it's it you know nice to have somewhere not exactly your workspace but also not exactly your you know home somewhere in between and where you can go and just be yourself yeah and just relax um this can be a you know another uh thing we can all do yeah hope you enjoyed that bite-sized clip do spread the love by sharing this episode with your friends and family and if you want more why not go back and listen to the original full conversation with my guest.

20:43If you enjoyed this episode, I think you will really enjoy my bite-sized Friday email. It's called the Friday Five. And each week I share things that I do not share on social media. It contains five short doses of positivity, articles or books that I'm reading, quotes that I'm thinking about, exciting research I've come across, and so much more. I really think you're going to love it. The goal is for it to be a small yet powerful dose of feel good to get you ready for the weekend. You can sign up for it free of charge at drchatterjee.com forward slash Friday Five. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

21:22Make sure you have pressed subscribe and I'll be back next week with my long form conversation on Wednesday and the latest episode of Bite Science next Friday.

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