BITESIZE | A Monk’s Guide to Finding Happiness (Even When Things Don’t Go Your Way) | Haemin Sunim #649

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0:57If you want to start supporting your future self, Height is giving my listeners an exclusive 20 % off your first audit a thrive. Just go to height.com forward slash live more and use the code live more to get started. Welcome to feel better live more bite size your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 476 of the podcast with Buddhist monk Heimin Sunim. Heimin is a Zen Buddhist teacher and the author of two Sunday Times bestselling books, including the beautiful When Things Don't Go Your Way, Zen Wisdom for Difficult Times. In this clip, we discuss the crucially important notion that we always have a choice in how we interpret and respond to life's challenges even when things don't go our way.

1:59I guess most people think it is a good thing when things do go their way but one of the central cases you make in this book and it's a provocative title I really like it is that we don't always want things to go our way because when they don't go our way that's real opportunity isn't there yes and we don't know whether we'll be happy you know if everything goes away like the way we wanted like for example you know somebody who just fall in love and and imagine that if i get to marry that person then i'll be happy forever and then actually this person get to marry and only after two three years later they are getting divorce.

2:48So you don't know just because things are going like the way you want it, this is going to bring happiness to you. We simply do not know. In Zen tradition, and this mind is called donno mind, we have to just bring this donno mind to all situations and having this open mindset. so rather than imagining I already know what will happen we should bring instead you know don't know mind I don't know whether it's going to bring me you know more opportunity or happiness or we don't know whether it's going to bring disappointments you know whatever that is if we can just bring this mind of you know openness and appreciations then we'll feel at the end our life is actually uh full uh you know we are having very you know enriching experience i think that's a great example if we meet the love of our life and we propose to them and they say yes we feel yeah that's what i wanted that's going to be amazing and a lot of the time it is but if you look at current divorce rates you'd have to say a lot of the time it isn't so if someone's listening to you now and things are not going the way that they want what would you say to them don't jump into quick conclusion that just because things are not going like the way you want it it is bad have open mind you know you never know what kind of opportunities different experience you might enjoy or you feel later super grateful a friend of mine you know he wrote a book and while he was writing you know he was asking me do you think this book will become a bestseller you know um interestingly his book didn't do well in terms of you know sales of the book however uh one of the readers of that book uh now became his wife you know the reader uh actually send a quick message to him how much he she appreciated uh his book and they they decided to have a coffee together and one thing led to another they met and they started dating and now they are married and now they have a beautiful daughter so you don't know how the life is going to be turned out you know you might imagine that you know you know what kind of happiness you want to have but in the end you know the the universe may award you with different type of you know happiness and still valid and still wonderful yeah so if we take that don't know mind approach how does that actually work in real life yeah just help us understand how you can apply that type of mindset to an exciting event well um when you are planning for your own wedding i'm sure you have some idea you know how it should go you know however if you can just apply don't know mine you know even if some things are not going like the way imagine maybe the cake wasn't exactly the way you wanted or the you know the way people interact you know or the speech that other you know your relatives or your best friends were making you know didn't quite you know gel well But you still remain this idea of don't know mind.

6:42And in this mind of not knowing, you can relax, you know, rather than tightly trying to control everything. And then everything have to go like the way I want it. And, you know, screaming like a little kid. If it doesn't, that's not going to make you happy. You know, I think there is openness and new possibility when I have, you know, don't know mind. and we can also relax. Yeah. That wedding example is actually so good because I know many people who have got mega stressed about their weddings and I understand it. I'm not judging it. I'm just observing it. And sometimes we'll literally get stressed over the tablecloth isn't the right color, right?

7:32The napkins are not exactly how I'd imagined them. And if we go back to what we were talking about before, which is about who are we? It's that space where thought ends. It's about the non-identification with things, not being so attached to things. You kind of really see it in that moment, don't you? Whereby people grow up with an idea that my wedding day has to be this way. I don't know if it's the same a career or not. But here in the UK, I think many people grow up with the idea that this is how my wedding's going to be. This is what it's going to look like. This is the dress. This is how we're going to arrive.

8:15And hey, listen, we've all got desires and things that we would like to happen in certain ways. I guess you're saying the problem is if you are dependent on that, if your happiness is conditional on those things happening, you put yourself in a very, very weak position, don't you? Yes. Rather than trying to control everything, can you relax and actually enjoy? You know, things may go not exactly you had planned, but it doesn't mean that that experience is not going to be unhappy. You know, it can be just as wonderful, you know, unexpected but still very wonderful when we love something you know or someone you know we do bring this don't know mind that is we don't know if this person likes this type of food or that kind of color you know what kind of music this person likes when you are first dating then this there is moment of wanting to know more you know because you are bringing this i don't know yet you know There is a genuine sense of curiosity.

9:29But after being together for a couple of years or 10 years, if you stop having don't know mine, that is, I know everything there is to know about this person. I know everything there is to know about my own child. Then what you do is instead of listening, you would just end up prescribing, you are supposed to do this. you are supposed to do that you know you are just keep on nagging them as opposed to really trying to understand what's happening to them so i think you know another word for um love is don't know mine yeah that may well be the number one problem with most relationships that we stop being curious we change our mindset from when we were dating when as you say we were looking to discover to learn to find out but over time I don't know if you'd call it laziness but this kind of inertia can almost slip in where we make assumptions about our partner we think that they're doing things because that's the way they've always done things and we expect them to behave in a certain way I have this little exercise that I often do with my wife called starting with zero.

10:55Oh, wow. What is that? And the idea is basically, well, the big idea is that our past often haunts our present day relationships. Absolutely. And so I think I came up with maybe a year ago, just this idea. What would happen if I interacted with Vidnav? It's my wife. as if this was the first time I'd ever met her. Even though, you know, I've been married for over 15 years, right? What happens if I interact with her in the morning, she comes down to the kitchen, I've been up for a bit, as if it was the first time. And I tell you, you know, I should honestly do it more because when I do it, the knock-on effect is just profound.

11:40You're not making assumptions or judgments. You're literally taking someone for who they are in that moment, and you start to learn new things that you don't learn when you think you know it all already. That is so true. Yeah. I hope people can apply that exercise, you know, to their relationships. Whenever we think we know about something, it's all in the past. You know, we are not actually knowing anything in the present moment. You know, anything that you know is something that already happened. The present moment, you cannot think about present moment, right? If you think about something, it is something that already happened, you know?

12:29Of course. So this is the, you know, opening into your, this, you know, wonder, you know? This, if you want to have a wonder in your life, rather than assuming that you already know, bring this mindset of, I don't know yet. Let me just appreciate what's in front of me right now. I love that. That totally landed for me. Once you start thinking about it, it's already happened. Yes. You're not in the present moment anymore. That's so powerful. You cannot think about the present moment. It's simply impossible. Yeah. okay in terms of um practical guidance for people are you open to sharing some of your daily routine because i guess a lot of us would love to know and understand what it is that a monk does every day to see if we can learn something from that um there isn't any particular form that i follow rather as i'm carrying out my daily life i try to see the emptiness impermanence of the things so you know whatever i experience i can clearly see the impermanence of that experience and when i see that then i generally can let go very quickly can you share a practical example of that because I think what you've just said has got so many profound implications but I'd love you to sort of maybe help people understand a regular day-to-day scenario that they may come across that they may get attached to but you're saying actually that your skill or something you've cultivated is the ability to know that this is impermanent.

14:26Right. Any examples come to mind? Maybe, you know, when you are feeling annoyed, for example, in the morning on your way to your work and you run into somebody who was very annoying, maybe in your subway or while you're driving, you know. And then after arriving at your work and start maybe turning on your computer and whatnot and realize that it is not there anymore. The annoyance. Not there anymore. You know what I mean? Yes. It's simple as that. Only if you rethink about it and try to bring those memory again and again and thereby holding on to that event of annoyance, then you feel as though you are entrapped in that experience of very negative experience.

15:27However, if you can see that, whatever that really was bothering you, it's not here in front of your eyes. isn't that magical you know whatever that that really bothered you you know like 10 minutes ago it's not here anymore it's impermanent and your true nature is that which recognize everything as it is not the contents of very experience that example reminds me of one of the final sections in your new book called Discovering the True Self. I was reading that last night and I think this speaks to impermanence. You're writing about that tranquil silence, the formless silence and how thoughts and feelings have form.

16:17But ultimately, I think you said something like, when the thought finishes, is, that's where the silence is. And I remember last night, I was just meditating and the thought came and I waited for it to end. And then there was just calm until the next thought came. And the more I tuned into those little moments of calm, the greater they became until at some point maybe five minutes in there was just this really prolonged periods i can't think of any other word peace yeah i was gonna say bliss but yeah peace it was just it was beautiful so thank you for that oh thank you you know people often think that there if there isn't anything to think about we will get bored and thereby we are jumping from one you know idea or one content one thought to another thoughts to another event you know they don't want to just relax they just want to constantly engage with something but the truth is our true nature is peace that is if we can just relax and enjoy the moment when there is no more thought and yet you are aware that there is no more thought yeah in this empty and transparent awareness that's your true nature do you think being happy is our true nature yes people often think you know happiness means excitement you know when we are excited then we feel happy but if we want everlasting happiness then excitement you cannot you know sustain it for a long time it fades it disappears you know so So what we really want is some quality of peace, you know, in happiness experience, happy experience.

18:35So our true nature, I believe, is in a state of peace. And when we are not trying to go somewhere or arrive at other places, and yet you are relaxed, you know, here and now, and you are content with what you already have or you feel grateful for what you already have, then that's where the happiness arrives. Talk to me about small but certain happiness. Wonderful chats from your book. And I think it's a very simple concept that I think everyone's going to resonate with. Thank you. This is not my idea. This is an idea that many people propose, but I think it is so important. I think oftentimes people imagine that they will finally feel happy and I will be able to relax only when I achieve some monumental goals in my life.

19:41But while you are getting there, you also have to live your life. And it usually takes a long time to arrive at your goal. So I think it's important we look for what I would call small but certain happiness. It's just so simple. You say this. For some, the fragrant smell of freshly made morning coffee is a time of peace and happiness. While for others, it could be the warmth of the sun on their face, the sight of spring flowers, the feel of a cozy blanket on a chilly day, or simply spending time with their dog or cat after work? So I think we have to make a decision. You know, we have to decide to appreciate our life.

20:29We have to decide to enjoy this moment. You know, once you decided that I'm going to enjoy this moment, then it makes it much easier to appreciate things. Without that intention, it's hard. The life just passes us by and without really becoming aware of what we are having it. So it takes only 10 seconds. That is, wait, I'm just going to actually enjoy the smell of freshly made coffee. You know, these intentions. and then you pause a little bit and then you re-engage with the experience. And from that moment, you say, wow, this is happiness. You know, rather than searching for some, you know, big things in your life, big success to be happy, maybe this is what I was after.

21:27I love that. Hope you enjoyed that bite-sized clip. Do spread the love by sharing this episode with your friends and family. And if you want more, why not go back and listen to the original full conversation with my guest. If you enjoyed this episode, I think you will really enjoy my bite-sized Friday email. It's called the Friday Five. And each week I share things that I do not share on social media. It contains five short doses of positivity, articles or books that I'm reading, quotes that I'm thinking about, exciting research I've come across, and so much more. I really think you're going to love it The goal is for it to be a small Yet powerful dose of feel good To get you ready for the weekend You can sign up for it free of charge At drchatterjee.com Forward slash Friday 5 I hope you have a wonderful weekend Make sure you have pressed subscribe And I'll be back next week With my long form conversational Wednesday And the latest episode of Bite Science Next Friday

22:34Yeah Got Thee