BITESIZE | How to Silence Your Inner Critic (and Why You Should) | Dr Kristin Neff #589

0:00Today's Bite Size episode is sponsored by AG1, a daily health drink that has been in my own life for over seven years. So, why might you consider bringing AG1 into your life? Well, there are many reasons, such as enhanced gut health and support for your immune system. But one of the main reasons, I would say, is to help you with your energy levels. Now AG1 contains a blend of different nutrients including B vitamins, vitamin C and magnesium which can help reduce tiredness and fatigue and give you a boost in energy. And unlike caffeine, these nutrients actually work with your body's natural energy systems and don't have a negative impact on your sleep.

0:47Right now, during the month of May, AG1 is offering my listeners a brilliant deal. Your first month's subscription will be only£59, saving you£20 off the regular price. On top of that, you'll get a free welcome kit, a shaker bottle, a scoop, five travel packs and a bottle of vitamin D3 and K2 drops. You can see all details at drinkag1.com forward slash live more. Welcome to Feel Better Live More Bite Size, your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 163 of the podcast with one of the world's leading experts on self-compassion, Dr. Kristen Neff.

1:39In this clip, she explains why self-compassion is so important for our health And shares some tips that can help all of us silence our own inner critic Something I've observed over the years is when you look at the patients Who really transform and change their lives not just in the short term, but also in the medium term and long term, I'm seeing that it actually is because of self-compassion. It's those ones who start to quieten down and then ultimately eliminate that inner voice, that nasty inner voice in their heads that actually starts to change things. So I feel that self-compassion is really important for health outcomes as well as our day-to-day well-being?

2:36Well, self-compassion is really the antidote to our more habitual way of being, which is harshly self-critical, right, or really cold to ourselves. And talk about health, right? There's just a new meta-analysis that came out showing that self-compassion is linked to physical as well as emotional health. Because of course, I'm sure as you know, our state of mind impacts our body, right? And how healthy and how well it's functioning. So when you're harshly self-critical or cold to yourself, and by the way, believe it or not, we don't want to judge ourselves for judging ourselves. We don't want to beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up because really what's happening when we're really hard on ourselves is we're just trying to stay safe, right?

3:19We feel threatened in some way when we feel we're inadequate or we've made a mistake. We feel like, oh gosh, I better need to change this because it's going to cause problems in my life. And so we go into the threat defense mode. We attack ourselves thinking that somehow if we attack ourselves, we're going to whip ourselves into shape and we'll be better and therefore we'll be safe. So it kind of comes underlying motives of self-criticism is a good one. The problem is, is it's really counterproductive, right? So first of all, when we're really hard on ourselves or harsh with ourselves, it activates the sympathetic nervous system response, which is associated with things like high cortisol levels, inflammation, high heart rate, eventually high blood pressure and heart attacks, things like that.

4:06So when we're constantly in, you might call it the freak out mode, the threat defense mode, we feel really threatened. You know, our body's on very high alert to deal with the danger. But if the danger is really like, does the stress make we look fat, you know, I'm sorry, but you know, things like that. We just, the things we criticize ourself for constantly means we're, we feel like a lion is chasing us and that constant activation actually is bad for our physical health. And so I think part of the reason we're so hard on ourselves is I do think it's part of our human physiology. If you, as you know, the threat defense response is the quickly, most easily triggered nervous system reaction to danger, right it comes online first before the parasympathetic nervous response kicks in to say okay it's so safe or you can feel safe by being connected they call it a reptilian brain on purpose because even reptiles have this brain right this is a natural response natural safety response it's universal we don't want to beat ourselves up for it we want to have compassion for it and if we care about ourselves i want the best for ourselves we're going to make change unhealthy behaviors.

5:17We're going to try to reach our goals. We're going to do whatever we need to do to be healthy. And so what happens when we're self-compassionate at the physiological level is it actually taps into the parasympathetic nervous system. So this is a system that gets activated when we feel loved, when we feel cared for, when we feel connected, when we feel secure, like in our tribe, right? And this helps us feel calm and relaxed. It lowers cortisol levels and increases heart rate variability and improves things like sleep. And that's why self-compassion is also linked to better physical health. So what self-compassion does is, by the way, it doesn't say, oh, that's fine.

5:59You don't need to change. But it says, okay, maybe you do need to change, but it does it with encouragement and support as opposed to harsh self-criticism. Self-compassion, if you imagine this coach, maybe like a football coach in the British term, soccer coach, who's like really good, really knows their stuff, really believes in their players. And that coach is not going to like just let their players slide if they're doing something that's not good. They can say, hey, I know you can do better. Here's how to do better. What can we learn from our mistakes, right? How can we practice and, you know, make up for any weaknesses so we can do better in the next game?

6:36That's the type of mindset that a compassionate mindset is. And it's just much more effective and it's more sustainable over time. You know, what do I really need to be healthy, to be happy, to be whole, whether that's physically healthy, whether that's mentally healthy. And in order to be healthy, we need both fierce and tender self-compassion. and they need to be in balance again like with motivation if it's too much acceptance and not enough of that fierce hey you got to do something about this it's not healthy that's not good on the other hand it was just about you know striving and get it right and be the best and there's no bottom line of self-acceptance that's not good either we need both you know constantly and they're always in balance and part of what part of the issue is we get knocked off balance and we say, okay, what do I need?

7:25Well, sometimes I need a little more acceptance. Sometimes I need a little more change. You know, we don't know what changes moment to moment, but how many people actually pause to ask themselves, what do I really need in this moment to be healthy? Yeah. Think about that. Think about it before. And by the way, I'm guilty too, with all the craziness in the United States. I've been watching way too much TV, but sometimes I catch myself and I say, what do I need right now? Do I really need to watch more TV and get upset? Or maybe what I need is to go to bed. Or maybe what I need is a cup of tea. Asking yourself the question will eventually provide its own answer.

8:07Yeah. How would you describe self-compassion? The agreed upon scientific definition is concern with the alleviation of suffering and the motivation to do something about it, right? And so at the simplest level, you might think that self-compassion is just compassion turned inward. We're concerned with our own suffering. We care about ourselves and we try to help ourselves so that we are healthier and don't suffer so much. In my model, there are actually three main ingredients of self-compassion. The first one is something that people have heard a lot about these days, and that is mindfulness. Mindfulness and self-compassion, they're actually very closely related.

8:48So mindfulness is the ability to turn toward what is, to be aware of what is, to not run from it or dive into it too much, especially when things are painful. And if you think about it, most of us, when things are painful, or especially if that pain is caused by feelings of inadequacy or making a mistake, either we avoid it, we don't want to think about it, you know, we just go into problem-solving mode or we blame other people or we do the opposite and we kind of get consumed by it. We get so lost in our pain and our suffering that there's no perspective. And so in order to give compassion to ourselves, it takes a little bit of perspective taking.

9:27We kind of have to step outside of ourselves and say, hey, you're really having a hard time. Is there anything I can do to help? And that perspective is actually mindfulness. We're aware of what's happening and we also have some perspective about what's happening. So you might say that's the first step. And then, of course, when we're aware of what's happening, we also have to respond with kindness. I mean, we may be aware of our pain and just say, you know, suck it up or it's all your fault. That's actually not compassionate. Compassionate means there's some sort of sense of warmth, some sense of care, some sense of understanding.

10:02It's a kind response as opposed to a harsh response. and then finally what's really important what differentiates self-compassion from self-pity and a lot of people get these two confused and they're very very different self-pity is woe is me um compassion and pity are different if i had um compassion for you you'd probably like it i'd say you maybe you're telling me about a problem you had and i said oh yeah i've been there you know i'm so sorry there's anything i can do to help whereas if i pitted you you wouldn't like it because I'd be looking down on you like, well, you really got a bad poor thing, you know?

10:39So the difference between pity and compassion is the sense of interconnectedness, right? If you look at the word compassion in the Latin, come means with, passion means to suffer. There's a sense of suffering with, suffering together. And so with self-compassion, instead of poor me, it's just recognizing that, you know, hey, life is difficult for everyone. Everyone's imperfect. There's nothing to do with me personally, right? You know, we all make mistakes. We're all imperfect. We're all flawed. We all go through difficult times. And the reason that's so important is because more often our irrational reaction is something has gone wrong.

11:18This isn't supposed to be happening. You know, and again, it's not a logical reaction, but emotionally we feel like what's supposed to be happening is perfection. And maybe everyone else in the world is living a problem-free life. and it's just me who's made this big mistake or it's just me who's struggling with this personal issue and it's kind of just a fallacy of the mind and so with self-compassion we remember oh wait a second this is the human condition you know being human isn't about being perfect being human is about being flawed and struggling and doing the best we can you know falling down and getting ourselves up again and so these elements together the sense of mindfulness of our difficulty and pain, a kind reaction to it, and then feeling connected in that experience.

12:04All these three things have to be there, according to my model, in order to be self-compassionate. As I become more compassionate to myself, I feel happier. I feel calmer. I feel I'm less likely to engage in behaviors I'm trying not to engage in because I just don't feel the need to plug that gap anymore. Yeah, you know, no, absolutely. The research is, shows not only are you happier and you're more satisfied with your life, and you're also able to give more to others in relationships, right? Some people think that self-compassion is selfish, but in fact, people who have self-compassionate romantic partners, they say that, you know, their partners are, they're kinder, they're more intimate, they're more loving, they're less controlling, they get less angry.

12:53You know, people are more satisfied with partners who are self-compassionate. And that's because when you aren't beating yourself up and you're kind of filling your own reserves with these feelings of kindness and support and connectedness, you actually have more available to give others. Can you fake it? And what I mean by that is, can you start saying nice things to yourself that maybe part of you doesn't really believe and you feel a bit uncomfortable, but Yeah. Can you fake it until you actually make it? Yeah. So first, it does feel weird at first. I'm going to be straight up. It feels weird at first, especially if your habitual way of relating to yourself is, you know, just really harsh.

13:36Often, you know, I tell people that to think about what you would say to a good friend in a similar situation. But what we also encourage people to do is to try to use language that feels comfortable, because if you're super syrupy sweet and you don't believe it, you're going to be creating conflict in your mind. So you might just say, you know, maybe start to be kinder to myself. You know, what I wish for myself is that I can begin to be a little more supportive toward myself. And that's kind of a lower bar to jump over. You can also maybe start trying, maybe it feels a little more comfortable.

14:13You don't want to just shut down your self-critic. You can say something like, thank you, self-critic. I know you're trying to help. And so instead of just saying, get out of here, because actually you can stick around, but maybe I want to hear what you have to say. Maybe you've got some useful information, but would you mind saying it in slightly more constructive terms? So there's a lot of ways you can work with yourself that feel comfortable for you. It's really all about changing your intention. In a way, it doesn't even so much, this is the amazing thing. It doesn't even matter so much what you say to yourself or what you actually do as that you're intending to help yourself.

14:55When we kind of embrace ourselves like a friend with kindness, with support, with care, even though we're suffering, compassion itself is a positive emotion and activates the reward centers of the brain. Right. We all we all want kindness. We want to feel connected. We want to feel that peace of mindfulness. These are positive states of mind. So what we're doing is we're holding a negative experience with this positive state of mind, but not in a way. It's not like sugarcoating. You don't have to pretend things are other than they are. In fact, if you do that, it's going to backfire. It's not going to work.

15:33you embrace the fact that this sucks this hurts I feel horrible you know I'm stressed whatever it is you don't you don't deny it but you feel concerned about it this is hard how can I help myself deal with this life's a battle not always but often life's a battle who do you want inside your head as you go into battle do you want an enemy who's cutting you down who's shaming you who's saying, I hate you? Or do you want an ally? He says, I got your back. We can do this. I believe in you. I'm here for you. Clearly, we're going to be stronger, more competent, more able to deal with the difficulties of life when we're our own ally, when we support ourselves, as opposed to pulling the rug out underneath ourselves, which we do with self-criticism.

16:18Yeah. What I always like to do is leave my listeners with some practical tips. With all your wisdom, with all your experience, do you have some practical tips to leave my listeners with, please? Yes. Well, even more than a practical tip, I'll lead you through a little practice. It's called the self-compassion break, which actually people can do. It can be their first self-compassion practice. So the self-compassion break, and the reason we call it a break is because that's the idea, you take that pause, you know, you might be in the middle of stress or the middle of something difficult. It only takes about five minutes, a little break you can take.

16:55Or what we do is we intentionally bring in the three components of self-compassion. So you want me to lead you through it and your listeners can just follow in. That'd be amazing. Let's do it. So I like to do this with my eyes closed. It's not necessary, but when we close our eyes, it helps us to go inward. so you may want to close your eyes okay and and to practice this we actually need to call up a little um difficulty so we can give it compassion so i'd invite you to think of something that uh you're struggling with right now right maybe uncertainty uh and maybe something different maybe a relationship issue or a health issue so just think of one thing right now and make sure that when you think about it, you don't feel overwhelmed.

17:43It's not like a really big problem because if you feel overwhelmed, you're going to be distracted and you actually won't be able to learn the practice. So something that's like a four on a scale of one to 10. Okay. So just choose wisely and then just play out this situation in your mind. Make it, make it present for you. What's happening, right? How are you feeling or what's going on? What are afraid of if that's relevant right what's going on who are the people involved that's relevant

18:21okay so what we're going to do now is we're going to bring in the three components of self-compassion by saying some phrases that we we want to evoke them and i'm going to say a phrase that i'm going to invite you to come up with your own language that actually feels comfortable and right for you so again thinking about this difficulty this challenge so first we want to bring in mindfulness so telling yourself you know this this is what happened what's happening right now this is the moment of struggle or suffering we're turning we're turning toward it we're recognizing it and again using language that may fit it may be something like this is really hard so using some language that really calls attention and awareness to the fact this is a moment of difficulty

19:25and then we also want to remember our our shared humanity in this right so suffering challenges stress difficulty this is part of life you know there's nothing abnormal about having challenges like this so whatever way you want to talk to yourself about this maybe it's just simply i'm not alone you know other people feel this way too

19:58and then finally we want to give ourselves some kindness in the face of this difficulty so one way to do that is with physical touch you may want to try putting your hands on your heart maybe your face right putting your hands somewhere on your body that feels supportive feeling that supportive touch right and saying some words of kindness and support to yourself you may you may think you know what would i say to a really beloved friend who is going through this exact same situation that i'm going through What would I say to express my support, my care, my willingness to help? And then just try saying it to yourself.

20:54You may feel awkward. That's okay. We're just setting our intention to be more supportive to ourselves.

21:04Okay, and then you can open your eyes. So that's it really. It's pretty simple, just bringing in mindfulness, remembering common humanity and giving yourself kindness. How did that go for you? Rangan? Yeah, really good, actually. Even just the act of stopping and going inward is powerful in and of itself, right? It just feels, I feel calmer, I feel like a bit of the noise has just shut down or switched off or the volume's gone down in my mind. And I, yeah, I feel happier, I feel calmer, actually, that's definitely true. yeah so again this is a practice it's not just a good idea it's something you can do um but the nice thing is self-compassion takes no time it doesn't take any more time than self-criticism self-compassion is a mind state right it's just how you relate to what's happening in your mind at the moment again just the way self-criticism is and so the warmth and the kindness and the feeling of connection you know everyone struggles that actually gives us the strength and sense of support as we're coping with the negative emotions simultaneously.

22:19So it's like generating good feelings alongside of recognizing the bad feelings. And this is really the power of it because it allows us to more productively deal with the problems we have because it's basically the idea of being really supportive toward yourself when you're struggling. And of course, being supportive to yourself is going to make you stronger rather than shaming or slamming yourself. It's kind of an idea that once you break it down, it's like, oh yeah, I never thought of it that way. But our culture has a lot of myths about things like compassion. I think it's like just soft and sweet and sugarcoating.

22:54And that is why the hard science helps because it shows people that, hey, this stuff really works. Hope you enjoyed that bite-sized clip. Do spread the love by sharing this episode with your friends and family. And if you want more, why not go back and listen to the original full conversation with my guest. If you enjoyed this episode, I think you will really enjoy my bite-sized Friday email. It's called the Friday Five. And each week I share things that I do not share on social media. It contains five short doses of positivity, articles or books that I'm reading, quotes that I'm thinking about, exciting research I've come across, and so much more.

23:35I really think you're going to love it. The goal is for it to be a small yet powerful dose of feel good to get you ready for the weekend. You can sign up for it free of charge at drchatterjee.com forward slash Friday Five. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Make sure you have pressed subscribe and I'll be back next week with my long form conversation on Wednesday and the latest episode of Bite Science next Friday.

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