BITESIZE | Mel Robbins: How to Reduce Overwhelm, Reclaim Your Energy and Feel More In Control of Life #572

0:00Today's Bite Size episode is sponsored by AG1, a daily health drink that has been in my own life for over seven years. Now, this is the time of year when our immune systems are under the most pressure. It's natural to look for extra ways to support our immune defenses. But most people don't want to juggle multiple pills. They want something simple, effective and easy to stick with. AG1 is a daily health drink that provides key immunity-supporting nutrients, vitamin C, vitamin A, zinc, and selenium, all of which contribute to the normal function of the immune system. These nutrients are included in highly bioavailable forms, meaning they are much easier for the body to absorb and use.

0:50And the best thing, of course, is that all this goodness comes in one convenient, tasty daily serving. For a limited time only, get a free AG1 flavor sampler and AGZ sampler to try all the flavors, plus free vitamin D3 and K2 and AG1 welcome kit with your first AG1 subscription order. That's$87 in free gifts for first-time subscribers. See all details at drinkag1.com forward slash live more. Welcome to Feel Better Live More Bite Size, your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 525 of the podcast with best-selling author and expert in life improvement, mindset, and behavior change, Mel Robbins.

1:50Studies show that we spend up to 70 % of our mental energy focusing on things we can't control, which affects our relationships, stress levels, and health. In this clip, she shares two simple words that could help us break free.

2:09Mel Robbins:If you're exhausted, if you're not achieving your goals, if you can't catch a break, if you're constantly overwhelmed, you're not the problem. The problem is the power you give to everybody else. the power you give to their thoughts, to their actions, to their moods, to their expectations. Every time you allow somebody else's behavior to impact you, or you allow their emotions to bother you, or you make it your job to make people happy, or you allow their opinions or the fear of their opinions to stop you, you are giving power to other people. And it took me until I was 54 years old to realize that, holy cow, there's a different way to live.

2:51So just stop as you're listening right now and consider that there is something that

2:58Mel Robbins:you would like to change or try in your life. Like maybe you want to write a book. Maybe you want to start a YouTube channel or a podcast. Maybe you've thought about changing careers. And yet, even though you have thought about this, you have seen other people do it, you maybe have felt a little jealous, for some reason you're not doing it. And there's a reason why. And the reason why is because you are worried that if you were to try it, you might fail. And if you realize that this is something that's happening in your life, that you want to become financially secure, This is something that you really dream about.

3:38You would love to, but you don't even get started.

3:42Mel Robbins:It's because you don't believe you're going to be successful. You're afraid that you're going to fail. And so what I started to see in my own life is that there were a lot of things that I wanted to be doing, but I was stopping myself from doing them. There were a lot of things I wanted to try, but I either thought it was going to be too hard. It wasn't going to work out. So why even bother? And what's interesting about being afraid of failing is why would it matter? And that gets to the deeper truth about what's underneath it. You're not afraid of failing. You're actually afraid of other people seeing you fail.

4:24Mel Robbins:You're afraid of feeling inferior to other people who tried the same thing and it worked out for them, but it's not working out for you. And if you start to realize that, my God, it's not about failing at all. It's about the opinions of what other people are going to say about me, what must be true about me in the eyes of other people. If I go after something and I look stupid or it doesn't work out or it's a giant eye roll to everybody, So you're not afraid of failing at all. You're afraid that other people's opinions will be that you're a failure. And when you go deep like that and you realize, wait, well, that stinks.

5:15Mel Robbins:Because number one, I'm never going to be able to control what other people think. And I'm allowing that fear of something I can't control because people are going to think whatever they're going to think about you. They're going to have whatever opinions. half of them are so consumed in their own lives they're not even paying attention to what you're doing anyway. But you're allowing that fear? Yeah. I mean, this is one of the reasons why a lot of people, you know, who want to learn how to make money online or who want to learn how to do something with social media or who want to learn how to market themselves or put themselves out there, don't do it.

5:48Yeah.

5:49Mel Robbins:It's because of this nagging sense that if I were to take this risk, if I were to make this change, that other people are going to think something. And that makes me a failure. It's so powerful, Mel. There is actually a story in your book about Molly, your friend, the interior designer, that really kind of speaks to this. Yeah, so this is a story about, and look, here's my belief. You and I share this belief in the limitless potential that you have inside you to change your life. Yeah. You have fundamentally changed who you are, how you live your life, the way that your life looks, your career over the past decade.

6:30Mel Robbins:I've done the same thing over the last 15 years. There is not a chance that in hell that you could come up with a excuse or a reason that would make me say, you're right. You have no power here. You're right. There's nothing you can do. There's always something you can do. And oftentimes what I've found in my own life is that I've spent so much time and energy looking at whatever everyone else is doing that I am not paying attention to what is within my control, which is my actions, how I spend my time, my response to things, what I do, what I don't do. And so that brings us to the story about Molly.

7:10Mel Robbins:The experience that I'm about to explain is a universal feeling. So Molly, not a real name, She calls me one night and she's all upset about something. I'm like, what's wrong? And there is a woman that is in her friend group. And it's not really a woman that Molly is good friends with. It's a woman that's kind of annoying. She's a little overbearing, a little bit of a bragger. And she has now gotten into the design business. And Molly has gotten her certifications. Molly has been in business for 10 years. And now their whole friend group is just going on and on and on. about how talented this irritating woman is, who's not even a real designer.

7:53Mel Robbins:She, of course, checks out the woman's website, checks out the woman's social media. It's beautiful. By the way, these photos are her house, and she didn't even decorate her house. And so Molly loses her mind. And here's the point of the story. For years, Molly has known that she needs to get serious about marketing her business better. For years, Molly has been talking about updating her website. She hasn't done it. And now all of a sudden, this irritating woman comes along and she is doing the exact thing that Molly has been stopping herself from doing. Yeah. And this is very important because when Molly was like, what should I do?

8:41Mel Robbins:You know, is she going to steal my clients? Like everybody thinks she's a better designer. again. Now I'm worried about people's opinions about this woman versus me. I'm also mad at myself because I'm seeing somebody who I know has no advantage, no trust fund, no special anything. And now I don't have any excuses because if this chick can do it, there's nothing stopping me but me. And so she's like, what should I do? I'm like, you should pick up the phone and thank her because this irritating woman is in your life for a reason. She is there to stir something up inside of you that you need to recognize that your excuses are BS, that you can find time, you can figure this out.

9:24Mel Robbins:The fact that you're angry and jealous of this person actually means that this matters to you. So it's time to get out of your way. It's time to stop with the excuses and it's time to just make a plan and figure this out. And it brings me to a point, Dr. Chatterjee, that was so life-changing to me because when I was in my 20s, 30s, and even into my 40s, I was a walking red flag as a friend because I hadn't done enough work internally. And when you're insecure about yourself, when you are in a state of struggle or lack, you cannot give other people what you do not have to give to yourself. And so I was the kind of person, Dr.

10:05Mel Robbins:Chatterjee, where I would see somebody else winning in life and I was jealous. I could not authentically be happy for somebody, even the people that I love, even the people that I know work hard, even the people that I know deserve it because I was in such a state of lack. And what was interesting to me about the story about Molly and learning the let them theory and starting to use it in my life is that no one can take anything that's meant for you. No one can. Only you can do that to yourself. See, this woman that all of a sudden starts posting beautiful things on social media and starts a design business and is doing all these things that you've talked yourself out of doing, she's not taking anything from you.

10:56Exactly.

10:57Mel Robbins:I never knew that. See, I would see somebody else's wins as my loss. and here's the message that I have about other people's success. Number one, other people will never block your way. They lead the way. If somebody else has a beautiful kitchen or a brand new podcast or they've got a wonderful relationship with their kids or they've turned their health around and they've lost a bunch of weight, that means you can do it too. Yeah. But if you pour time and energy into watching them and to allowing your jealousy and your insecurity to consume you, you're wasting the very energy and time that you need to focus and wake up every day and chip away at working on the things that you want.

11:45Mel Robbins:And this is the biggest revelation. Like, you know, a lot of us don't feel like we have any power. And there were times in my life where I felt like I had zero power too. But what I've come to realize is that you will never take control of your life until you stop trying to control everybody else's. Yeah. You will never feel powerful in your life until you stop giving your power away. And if you're sitting there listening to my voice right now, and you're thinking, well, I don't have any power. Baloney. You have so much power and currency. Your biggest power is your time and your energy and your health.

12:23Mel Robbins:And I'm going to tell you something. Every time you try to control what somebody else thinks or you worry about it or you are frustrated by somebody's opinion or you navigate your life around people's moods or you make it your job to make everybody happy around you, you are focused on something that is outside of your control. And if you are spending time and energy on something that you'll never be able to impact, of course you're going to doubt yourself. It's never going to work. And so you're in this loop where by constantly thinking about what other people think, believe, do, feel, all of your energy and power is going to other people.

13:08Mel Robbins:So you have none left for yourself. And then you've missed the single biggest truth about life. It was never over there. The power's in here. The power's in what you do, what you think, how you process your emotions. There's a different way to live. And the different way to live is to just let people, let them have their thoughts, let them have their opinions, let them have their business and their success and their brand new kitchens. Let them have their disappointments and their expectations. Let them. I got to focus on me. Let me remind myself that I got power here because I can always control what I think, what I do, and how I process my emotions.

13:46Mel Robbins:And that's how I take responsibility for my life. Yeah. That's the big theme for me in your book. it's responsibility it's about agency it's about a sense of control that we can take back if we've given it away I mean that's such a key point isn't it one of the reasons we're so tired all the time is because we waste and I use that word intentionally we waste so much of our own internal energy on things outside our control on the reactions and opinions of other people and And that Molly story, the reason I wanted to talk about it is because it's a universal story. And here's what I want to say about that.

14:30First of all, you said the key word here, responsibility.

14:36Mel Robbins:Responsibility is just the ability to respond. That's what responsibility is. You take responsibility for your life by understanding that you are in control of your ability to respond to life. That's the secret to life. That's the secret. Right there. And this is not a new idea, by the way. Like, I did not create the idea that what's happening around you does not need to happen to you. I did not create the idea that your power is not in trying to control out there. it's in trying to control in here. This is Stoicism. This is Buddhism. This is Viktor Frankl's man's search for meaning. And what I love about these two words, let them, is that it has all of its roots in this philosophy and truth that has been true about human beings and life since the beginning of time, which is anytime you try to control something that you can't control, it just creates stress and frustration for you.

15:42Mel Robbins:And the more you give up trying to control everything, the more control you gain. And I've spent my entire life getting sucked in. Well, I shouldn't even say sucked in because that implies that somebody else pulled me in. I have spent my entire life pulling myself in, allowing myself to be involved in people's drama, affected by people's moods, frustrated by things that I can't control, scared about what people are doing, scared about their opinions, all of which I can't control. And these two words, just saying, let them, it was like discovering there's a completely different way to live because there is when you learn how to detach.

16:23Mel Robbins:And this is another thing that the let them theory really is. If you understand detachment theory or radical acceptance, this is how you apply it in modern life. It's ancient wisdom and therapeutic modalities and some of the greatest spiritual teachings in a simple tool for a very frustrating and stressful moment in human history. So you can apply it. That's what this is. And so back to the Molly story. The interesting thing about jealousy is that I used to get consumed by jealousy. If I saw, you know, a group of people going away, I would be jealous I wasn't invited. If I saw somebody else getting, you know, the promotion I thought I deserved, I would be jealous.

17:06Mel Robbins:If I saw somebody getting the better shift, if I was a waitress on Saturday night, I would be jealous and frustrated. The thing about jealousy is that you can only be jealous of things that you actually want. And so if you're willing in those moments of jealousy and you're like, I'm jealous of that, well, let's go a layer deeper. Because what if jealousy didn't mean that there's something wrong with you? What if jealousy is a signal from your values that there's something important that you're ignoring? That friend's brand new kitchen that you're happy for her, but you're super jealous about? Okay, good.

17:44Mel Robbins:Let's go underneath that. I think one of the things people love about you, Mel, is how open you are. You share very openly. I think it's an old friend of yours and they had the most beautiful house and your kids loved hanging out there and you wanted to be happy, but you couldn't. Yes. I was so jealous. I mean, I'm like, have you ever had an experience, Dr. Chatterjee, where you and your wife, you pull into somebody's house, you're like, how do they have this much money? Like the driveway's long. It's like they've got the playroom with like four bunk beds and you're like, no wonder my kids are always here.

18:15Yeah.

18:15Mel Robbins:And the thing about those moments is it's normal to feel that way. And it's normal to struggle with these conflicting emotions of being both happy for your friends that worked hard and who are awesome and deserve this stuff, but to then also feel sorry for yourself and really jealous. And so if you then can use let them. Okay, let them have a better house to meet. Let them have the most amazing bunk room for the kids. Let them enjoy this. Now let me go to the let me part. let me really ask myself, what exactly am I jealous of? What exactly is bothering me? Because, you know, I'm not jealous of somebody that has a penthouse in Dubai.

18:59Mel Robbins:I don't want to live there. But for the things that are meant for you, I believe jealousy is a message from your future self. I believe jealousy is such a kind of frustrating emotion that it is trying to organize the energy and friction that you need inside yourself to actually wake up and recognize that where you are is not where you want to be nor where you're meant to be. I think some people get stuck there. Of course, I lived there for decades. In stage one without realizing, okay, stage one, be honest with yourself. Don't try and pretend you're not feeling that, which is what I think a lot of people do.

19:39But then move to stage two. You call it let me the way I hear it for you it's kind of like you recognize it spend a bit time understanding what precisely is it about this person and their life that Molly can apply the same thing with their interior designer business right and then what can I now do about it correct because here's

20:00Mel Robbins:the thing the let them theory is a very simple mindset tool and it is ultimately about control and freedom. That's what it's about. One thing that you will never, ever, ever, ever be able to control is what another person believes, feels, thinks, says, or does. And so the let them theory is super simple. The first step is anytime anybody else, whether it's the government or it's traffic or it's your boss's mood or it's your in-laws, anytime anybody's behavior bothers you, just say let them because when you say let them you are cuing to yourself i recognize that i can't control the government i can't control my mother-in-law's mood i can't control what my boss is doing right now i can't control what the head let them i can't control the fact that there's traffic right now on a monday morning which is super stupid while everyone's trying let them because if I can't control it, when I say let them, I'm putting up a boundary and I'm saying this isn't worth my time and energy.

21:12Mel Robbins:And then you say the second part, which is let me, and this is the more critical part, I think. This is the more powerful part because let me, every time you say let them, you separate yourself from allowing the world to impact you in a negative way and you separate yourself from making it your responsibility to make other people happy or meet their expectations. And then when you say, let me, you now cue yourself every time, Dr. Chatterjee. There's only three things in your control ever. It's what you think right now about what's happening. It's what you do or don't do. And we forget that not doing something is often the more powerful choice.

22:00Mel Robbins:And number three, you get to control how you react to your own emotions in this moment. Do they rise and fall? Do you breathe through it? Do you use your three, four, five breath? Yeah. And some of the tools that you talk about all the time and settle yourself? Or do you allow your emotions to run you over like a freight train? And next thing you know, you said something you've regretted or you've spent 90 minutes. Have you ever written one of those emails where it's like, back, back, back, and you're like, best, and then send, and does nothing but keep you in a stressed out state. And so it really is a tool that you can use in endless ways to recognize when life is getting to you and that you're giving time and energy to something that you can't control.

22:55Mel Robbins:And you're now choosing to recognize it and say, let them, which means you protect your time and energy. Yeah. And then when you say, let me, you remind yourself, no matter how scary this is, no matter how tired I am, let me remind myself through my attitude, my actions and my ability to process my emotions. I actually can make this a little better. I have power. I have choice. Some people may say, well, is some of this a bit of toxic positivity, right? Is you saying, let them, someone's going to criticize me. Let's say a member of the public. We're not talking about your family now. Or even the family.

23:30Yeah, let them. It doesn't bother me.

23:32Mel Robbins:I didn't say it doesn't bother you. The reason why you have to say let them is because it does bother you. Okay, so this is the key point because you're not saying ignore your emotions and just stoically move on. No. So here's the thing. The issue isn't caring. the issue is that you give more weight to your family's opinions than you give to your own so the let them theory is not supposed to actually hurt your relationships it's supposed to teach you the emotional maturity and the compassion and the confidence to be able to care about what somebody thinks, to care about why they may think that way, but to care more about the decisions that you make about how you're going to live your life.