Best of the Football Ramble 2025: Part 2

0:00Oh, hello, Ramblers. Don't mind me. I'm just about to tuck into my third slice of a lovely bit of homemade Battenberg. I see you're back again for part two of our best moments from 2025. Well, you're in luck. We've gone back into the archive to dig out the very best lols we've had in the second half of 2025. Sit back, tuck into a few nuggets of Stalin and we'll continue our highlights with the legend that is the Lambton Worm.

0:40It brought the big T-Fo. What about that T-Fo-vish? Did you see it? With the... Was it a knight spearing a dragon? Oh, that one, yes. Yeah, yeah. Marcus. Oh, that one. Marcus? You sorry bastard. What? That was the Lambton fucking worm. Show some respect. Yeah. Of course it was. The Lambton... Are you familiar with the Lambton worm story? Yeah, but tell people who don't know. Like me. and me right some little lad right why did you call me a sorry pal because you don't respect our folktales yeah sorry sorry Marcus are being ridiculous go on Pete tell us about the mythical worm little boy he finds a salamander in the river weir not a worm go on he's only chucked it down the well oh no he goes the fuck off for fighting the crusades right and comes back.

1:32This bloody salamander has taken over his entire estate, his entire manor. He's going to have to sort it out. He's going to have to slay it, isn't he? He's going to have to slay it. And so before he starts to slay, he talks an owl witch and this witch tells him that after he slayed the lantern worm... Did you say owl witch? An owl witch. Oh, an owl witch. An owl witch. Oi, she's owl witch. An owl witch. She talks an owl witch and the witch says, you've got to slay the first living thing you see after you've killed the lampton worm or therefore bad luck will follow you. So he briefs his dad. He said, dad, as soon as I kill this fucking worm, can you release the dog that I've got and I'm going to kill my dog?

2:09Which is tragic. Don't worry if it's all made up. He kills the salamander slash worm slash whatever it is. Not a dragon. And then his dad gets so excited he runs out and celebrates with his son and his son goes, you idiot! You forgot to release the dog. I'll have to kill you now and he kills his dad. and the moral of the story is don't skip church to go and fish in the weir. Right. So why are they called the Black Cats? I don't know. I don't know why they didn't make a Black Cat T4. I believe they did last season. Maybe it was in the wash. Why is this a celebrated story about a man who killed his dad?

2:44Well, I'm going to have to do it now. What? He sided with the witch. With the witch over his dad. You just have to trust the voodoo. Having fought in the Crusades, where is his moral compass? Where is his faith? He's got a thirst for it, clearly. Anyway, so it wasn't a dragon, it was the lantern worm. Show some fucking respect. Yeah, I apologise to all of the worms. Well, I would say the whole population. So there you go, Sunderland. What did he tell his mum? Where's Dad at? You're not going to believe this. Killed him, haven't I? After Sunderland beat West Ham United 3-0 on the weekend, we spoke about it, and we spoke about Sunderland in glowing terms, of course, on Monday's podcast.

3:26I just love that Pete getting called. Pete getting slagged off as a quote, Mackham, on the YouTube comments. Couldn't give it away. Vish and I were unaware of what the TIFO at the stadium were like actually was. I was as well. It's great to get the explanation. But Pete explained to us that it is... Did we get the explanation? Not really. Well, I still feel... An explanation. Yeah, I still feel I'm unaware of what it actually is. Pete then sort of chimed in and he called me, he disrespected the county that I'm from, called me a bastard, disrespected my parents who were married at the time I was born.

4:00And he said that the lantern worm was this tale from the northeast. A folk tale. A folk tale. Exactly where. He said it was a folk tale about a salamander. Yeah, a salamander. And then he talked about a worm and he may have mentioned the word snake. I can't remember. But basically, what was it? A chap. There was the lantern worm. The way Pete told the story, there was a bloke who went fishing in the weir. That's right. He caught a salamander, not a worm, brought it back, put it in a well, went off to fight the Crusades, came back, it had taken over his manor. That's right. He saw a witch who said that you've got to kill the worm, but once you kill the worm, you've got to kill the next thing you see.

4:41He told his dad to release the dog so that after he killed the worm salamander, he'd kill the dog. Yes. And then when he killed the worm salamander, his dad ran up saying brilliant yeah nice one and in Pete's story straight to the pub and in Pete's story he said oh no so he killed his dad yeah didn't happen did it yeah no so that well none of it totally missed the point of the tale and I was listening knowing Pete as I do thinking he's researched this as well yeah exactly he really took the salamander by the horns then yeah we've had a lot of follow up yeah and that really does warm the heart because I'll tell you what we can do 10-15 minutes yep on what I think is a really well-researched, thoughtful bit on, you know, on a Champions League game.

5:25The James Tarkovsky penalty decision. Yeah, yeah, that kind of stuff. Everyone's like, yeah, fine. Nothing. It's dead. It's absolutely dead. You mention the Lambton worm and you get the story wrong. Inundated. Can I kick off the clarifications with this, which came immediately after we released the episode, and it was a comment from Nicholas Wilson on X, who said, he called him some little lad. It was Lord Lambton.

5:48Little lad. So yeah, after Pete's story, a lot of people, Stipsart on YouTube got in touch to tell us that Pete got the story wrong. The boy didn't kill his dad. He killed the dog and the family got 10 years of bad luck. Yeah. So he did kill the dog, apparently. Yeah, but he saw his dad first, which is why, having not... He couldn't go through with killing his dad, that's the point. Indeed, which is a massive point. The whole point is the bad luck, isn't it? But what is the point of any of it? Because that's the one thing I'm not sure about. Folk tales have normally got some kind of moral to the story.

6:21Don't go fishing in the River Weir. That's what it is. Don't get your lantern caught.

6:29Yeah. Do you understand what I mean, though? There's normally a moral to the story. Yeah. You know? And there's not a moral to this. It's weird that in the retelling of a story, Pete left out the morals. Yeah. Yeah, he did. By staying loyal to your family, you're going to get bad luck. Right then, Crystal Palace versus Friedrichstad happening, of course, in the Europa Conference League playoff round. A two-legged qualifying round against the Norwegian side is not what Palace wanted, but it's what they've got, sadly. The two legs against that playoff fall either side of Nossingen Forest's visit to Sellers Park.

7:09Great stuff. Great stuff. What's Maranakis going to do? I have no idea turn up in a Friedrichsstad kit they won't make him in that size no way Norway very healthy place big boys though yeah they are big lads but I mean I'm sure he'd get one made up yeah I reckon yeah he's just got the flag it's right he's got the flag did you hear their Crystal Palace have asked for increased police presence from the Met for this Sunday's game oh really yeah well they're expecting Maranakis in the Viking outfit are they gonna start pillaging gonna start pillaging Croydon tearing through another room. So to hear Rise of the Valkyrie.

7:46That's Maranakis' music. Maranakis, like, bludgeoning his way for a Catholic church. I think one of those hats, one of those metal hats with the horns would suit him. Which Vikings never wore, by the way. No, but he will. Yeah, Maranakis won't do it because it's not law. I'm not wearing that. That's ridiculous. I'll do the dreadlocks, fine. I'm not doing that who saw 18 months ago who saw a Forest Palace rivalry another weird rivalry for Palace yeah true enough but do you know what I did as well I know that so Palace Roberts he's playing Frederick Stad as you said it's the first of their two-legged qualifying fixture tonight and so what I did I did what any diligent football broadcaster would do is I asked Lars Sivitsen what Frederick Stad are like and he was very really kind to say that they're not bad he's happy to let me know he said his family spent some time in that part of Norway so he knows it well pointless detail go on I was going to say his mother's from there and he spent his summers growing up in Frederikstad so he knows the club pretty well and then delivered me a pen picture of Frederikstad which was about six paragraphs long and so boring I couldn't get to the end of it so I don't know anything about Frederikstad as a part of that cheers Lars I mean I could give you thanks for that what about this then You don't believe me?

9:10I do believe you. I love Lars like a brother. I was in Norway last week. He knows how supportive I am of him and his people. Yeah. I'll give you a couple of quotes. He wasn't there though. They were revived in the early 2000s with some financial input from local business and some astute coaching from Canute Torborn Egan, son of legendary Rosenborg manager Niels Arne Egan. How are they going to deal with Mateta, Lars? They're not apparently going to get smashed. Right, okay. Oh, there we go. He said, on the pitch, they're extremely unlikely to bother Palace very much at all. There we go. But it should be a lovely away trip for the Palace fans when they go there.

9:42I'd love to go with Palace fans to Frederikstad. Yes. It'd be fantastic. Would you wear a T-shirt with UEFA Mafia on the front? If they ask me to. They're my local club. I've got to support them. Yeah. Well, that's what the Palace supporters group, the Holmesdale Fanatics, are doing. They're selling those T-shirts. I don't know if you go... Hopefully on the cheap. When I went to Norway, like I said, last week, and the furthest north I went was Hogerson. And whenever I see a team playing against the Norwegian team, I've never heard of I really want it to be right up there and it's disappointing Frederick Starr's actually right down on the south and it's like what's the point of it yeah there's no point there's absolutely no point I want it to be Tromso or further north if I don't hear the Arctic Circle and the analysis I want to know I want yeah I want Norwegian teams as fucking north as you can go big time and I want random Russian teams as east as we can get 100 % it needs to be east of it needs to be east of India I'm not bothered yeah the latter aren't involved no they're not I know there's a deal imminent but I don't think the deal will include getting them back into European competition and challenge me on this I said a while back there was no famous people from I think was it Dudley?

10:51I think it was Dudley other than Sam Ardice and a load of people on YouTube kicked off surely there is quite a few comedians from Dudley aren't there I don't think there's anyone famous from Frederikstad sadly what about this old Rosenberg manager he's from Rosenberg well maybe he spent a summer there or something yeah who knows they've got a great flag though Fredericstad as well they do red and white flag with like a disco ball in the middle of it okay well we look forward to seeing that in the away end at Palace I hope it's a disco Drake over Maranakis I was going to say maybe he can get his hands on the disco ball and turn up with it he's got to go he's got to go is the game at Palace yeah he's got to go he has to go yeah Palace weren't asking the Metropolitan Police you wouldn't come up there with us give us a couple of horses come on oh dear

11:43Grimsby Town knocked Manchester United out of the League Cup at Blundell Park I mean it was you should have known Blundell Park we did know I think we sorry it was League 2 Grimsby Town the signs were there weren't they yeah the fish as well what a great penalty shootout it was it got to the point where I thought people aren't bothered anymore well it it was genuinely a fascinating watch wasn't it? Because you could tell, with all due respect for him, that Christy Pym was a little nervous. He didn't really back himself. He was going really, really early on a lot of those penalties. And you thought, okay, this is going to be their undoing.

12:17It's amazing that they've got this far, but it is ultimately going to be something that they're going to reflect on as being a near miss. But then Onana was the same. I mean, he got his hand to a few of them, but was very, very weak on them. And I just think you have to save, more than one out of 13 penalties when the other team have winner-winner chicken dinner printed on the back of their shirts. You just have to at that level. Surely, though, that's a winning mentality, though. I suppose it is, isn't it? Maybe that's what powered them through. I mean, it wouldn't have really mattered had Man United gone through because...

12:51How many penalties do you think Ruben Amarum saw? Well, he apparently didn't see any. He just turned away. He sat in the dugout with his head in his hands during the shootout, said he didn't watch it because at that stage, it didn't matter whether they won or not. Now, I've never... It's the first time I've ever really, truly identified with a Manchester United manager. I have to say, I think that is an outrageous thing for him to have said. Absolutely outrageous. There's new lows and there's like brand spanking new lows. I think he's... Like what he said, like what he did was ludicrous. We haven't even got on to the fucking little magnets.

13:28But... I like that. Yeah. But what he said made sense because it was like, look, this has been an utter shit show. It actually doesn't matter whether we win or get knocked out here. Showed a bit of character getting it back into the game. Well, no, because it has been that bad. The collateral from this, obviously it's greater if they lose, but it's still there if they win. Yeah, but the reason I think it's outrageous is because they don't have Europe this season. This is another path to a trophy. It's a path to Europe as well. That's immediately closed down. And I think when he says that, what he's reacting to is the pressure on him, not the reality of his job as Man United manager.

14:07I think it's outrageous for him to say it doesn't matter. Of course it matters. You have to get through. Regardless of the circumstances. It is quite funny, though. It's hilarious. Like, I feel for the bloke. Oh, completely. And I think that's an indication of quite how much the pressure is showing on him, right? Yeah. And I think I felt for all the Man United managers. Even Van Hull. Even Jose. Yeah. Oh, more on him in a bit. but yeah just ridiculous absolutely ridiculous and did you feel like there was could it got any worse when the Grimsby Town goalkeeper himself Christy Pym said I'm a Man United fan so I'm half fuming but this is what you play football for even the opposition keeper was annoyed it was a series of the penalties were long but the memes were longer their keeper wanted you to win half of him well he certainly looked like it for the first bit of the penalty shoot and he thought bollocks to you I've given you enough I'm going to start trying to save them because it was a little bit sheltered in 1993 times there was a there was a Manchester United fan who was tweeting from the game and they were front row behind Christy Pim's end for the first half and they were giving him a lot of shit and he turned to the fans and said I'm a Manchester United fan and one of them shouted then let one in you dick that's that's what happened genuinely what happened on Wednesday evening.

15:29Manchester United. I do think it's... Yeah, I mean, I think it's done, really. I don't see it getting better. Just the way he was talking... As he has done throughout his whole time there. Yeah, but this was so different. If you think about, like, so he came on the field in the last game of the season and he was actually, you know, I'm not going to say it was Churchillian, but there were elements to, like, hold on to throughout the summer. and be like, look, this guy is actually, does actually give a shit. Like, obviously he gives a shit, but like, he does seem to know what he's doing. He does have a clear idea of what he wants to do.

16:05And then at the same time, the man was playing with magnets. Yeah. Like, Jogi loves probably looking at that, being like, oh, mate, I wouldn't fiddle with that. Again, the thing with that, though, is... He's playing with magnets. Yeah, but I mean... In the rain. He's playing with magnets in the rain. That's the sort of thing that only... Swallow the magnets then. No, definitely don't do that. It might have been better than... Can do damage. Yeah, and you end up stuck to things, won't you? Exactly. Because you're full of magnets. I mean, they need to get the Manchester United culture back at the club.

16:35Any culture's fine. Well, I don't... I think that's overly generous of you. This is the Manchester United culture. Well, it's the Glazer culture, this. It is. That's what that is. Let me roll back on that generosity just a little bit. All I'm saying is Oli Gunnar Solskjaer's been sat by for shit. For fuck's sake. Why did I take that sincerely? Yeah. Just get him back. Marcus, can I just add that Jose Mourinho has parted ways with Fenerbahce? Could we have a good cop, awful cop? Of course she can, Jim. Good cop, worst cop ever combination. He's coming over. I couldn't believe my luck when this morning on the way in, Jose Mourinho parted away from Fenerbahce.

17:13Come on, Vish. Which one of the two would you rather? They were both way better. Hey, one won trophies. One won the Europa League. The other, he got the final and failed on it. And mammoth penalty shooter again. Yeah, and he said that thing about not feed. his kids. But it was still better. This is something that I am fully behind and I think all the Rambolists will be behind. Because the goalkeeper situation has been that bad at Manchester United, there are genuine reports that Tom Heaton could start in goal at Manchester United. Come on. Come on. Bloody come on. Two weeks ago. That's three packs.

17:4839-year-old Tom Heaton. Two weeks ago, after the first game of the season against Arsenal, when Alte Bayern makes that mistake and Arsenal score and win the game from that corner. He was asked if there was any thought about playing Tom Heaton. Ruben Amarin was asked this. And he responded to the question like someone had asked if they could come to his house and piss on his kids. Third game of the season. It's like, I've got some bad news, kids.

18:20I've had a change of heart. What's happening? Doesn't matter. Get in the bath. coming up after this it's Liverpool with Arsenal in a Sunday afternoon bomb this actually should be a really good game will you be watching it Jim? I'll be watching England of course you will yeah exactly showing your true colours no still for still for the breakup of the United Kingdom are you? I can't remember if if it was the only thing that was going to keep the United Kingdom together was you watching Scotland tonight instead of England would you do it?

18:53you know what I think just let them vote on it right I said to you it's not my business is it are you full separation of the United Kingdom and you just said I can't remember I can't remember there's so much to remember there's too many opinions you have to have now you have to have too many opinions that's the problem isn't it not just about football but anything you have to have an opinion on everything now it's part of being an internet person which everyone is everyone's an internet person whether they like it or not you've got to live in another dimension that's just your opinions you do and some people will hate you yeah it's not it's more than some with me I can't go on YouTube this week because I'm hosting two shows no it'll just be endless people calling me a shit host or a c**t or a pedo or a yeah yeah exactly conservative member of the Scottish Parliament Murdo Fraser who will be delightful absolutely delighted he'll be delighted with that segue won't he just pedo pause conservative member of the Scottish Parliament Murdo Fraser right now I would say this is going to probably get me in trouble but I'm going to say it and I'm insistent it's there in the show you should never trust a Scottish Tory.

19:55No, it's like a Scottish Conservative. It's like, remember those kids at school who were like, I support Barcelona. Fuck off. There was a kid at my school who got filled in, right? He was fine and he is fine. He's still a perfectly fine adult. Well, he's an adult. He's still alive. He, at the time of recording, he was a Pompey fan, right? Everyone was a Pompey fan at my place at St. John's Church of England Primary School in Gosport. He came in one day from nowhere and just started telling everyone in reception class, the first class of the day, whatever it's called, not reception, tutor group class, that he now supported Portsmouth and Southampton.

20:34Just told everyone. Yeah, I'm supporting both of them. And everyone's like, right, okay. First break of the day, filled in. Wow. Had to go home. Just half of him though, presumably. Yeah, no. He just got completely filled in. Yeah. And then he had to go home. His mum had to come and get him. So some people do just choose violence, don't they? Yeah, I mean, that is idiotic, isn't it? Was he someone who actually liked football? or was he just trying to get attention? No, he did. He liked it. He was quite good at it as well. He played for the team and everything. I just think he had a mad day, a mad morning.

21:01We were only about eight, so he probably just had a mad one that morning. Anyway, Murdo Fraser, who I've looked up on Wikipedia, I didn't like the cut of his jib very much, a Conservative member of the Scottish Parliament, has urged Rangers to avoid vegans, Buddhists and Green Party members as candidates to become their next manager. The thing with this as well is that it's so obvious. it's almost as obvious as the joke where people talk about identifying as something else always the same joke but you know he's going to have been so pleased with himself after that I think it's just tedious isn't it everything has to become an extension of this weird culture war bollocks that everyone has to get involved with he obviously spelt the word Buddhists wrong which I know isn't the main problem here but he spelt it completely wrong in a way that is quite disrespectful to a large part of the community.

21:57Yeah. Like the English Conservatives spelt the word Britain wrong on some of their own merchandise at their conference recently. Richard Tice went on Question Time talking about Britain with his British Union Jack pen badge upside down. Classic. Classic. But the thing is as well as a Rangers fan which I believe Murdo Fraser is there's a lot to enjoy about Russell Martin leaving isn't there? Before you even get to this nonsense. Yeah. Do you just enjoy what it is? Yeah, I know. A spokesman for the Scottish Greens, who were caught strays in this outburst, had a brilliant quote. They said, this is a bizarre and ridiculous outburst, even by the repellent and undignified standards of Murdo Fraser.

22:39Yeah. If Rangers are to turn things around, then the last person they should be taking lessons from is Murdo Fraser, who represents a collapsing party and a worldview that is stuck firmly in the past. I think Russell Martin did a terrible job at Rangers. I think he seems like a bit of a bore. But as I said to you a couple of weeks ago, there's a lot of reasons to like him, admire the man. He's worked really hard to get where he is. The fact that he's a vegan isn't really... It's just entirely irrelevant. No. It's just, again, it's just nonsense culture war stuff, isn't it? But here we are talking about it.

23:10He should be United manager, Russell Martin, because there's probably no meat to have in the dressing anyway. Unless you want to catch your own mice. Yeah, exactly. Now Vish, something that does directly concern you. We've got a tweet here on X from C. Mull, who said, I can't believe Vish didn't name Caledonian girls as a Scottish Katy Perry song. Yeah. A bit of an awful lot. I thought California girls, yeah. A couple of people messaged me this, and I was like, oh no, fair play. And then a few more did over the weekend. It was like, brilliant, mate. What do you want me to do? Go back and edit it.

23:41I thought, you know, baby, you're a fife work. Doesn't really work. Fife work. Fife work Fife work It written down I think that joke works You do Fire and fife I feel like the problem Was he didn't write it down Yeah I think Would help Yeah Well up yours again Now Pete You were wondering If Orlando Bloom Was still dating Katy Perry Yeah I was wondering It seems that She's now dating Former Canada Prime Minister Justin Trudeau I knew that And yet I didn't I don't know what It was a big story A few weeks ago But you know what The world's like There's just a lot Of new stories Kicking around New things happening All the time And a lot of them are about Katy Perry.

24:18She was in space a while ago. Was she really? She's in space, now she's gone out with Justin Trudeau. Fair play. Former head of state and a person of colour. Good. Very good. At times. When he wants to be. When he wants to be. Not for a while.

24:39We've all done it. We have not all done it. I want to make that very clear. Can I categorically say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've never done it. Don't even bother looking. That's what I say. Please don't look. Please don't look. Halloween's coming up. Halloween is coming up. I've got a little bit of news before we hit a break. Oh, go on. What's happening? I'm going to become a influencer, a soccer boot influencer. Okay. He's going to become a soccer boot influencer. I've become a soccer boot influencer. It's a poor start. Yeah, you're not even convinced yourself of this. Yeah, it's a really poor start.

25:18I regarded, I need a pair of football boots. Yeah, we all do. The great thing about playing veteran football is no one really cares about what... They care about the colour of the boot, but they don't really care about what kind of boots you're wearing. You're not going to get criticised for not wearing a Nike or an Adidas. Also, you don't really get on, do you? No, exactly. By the way, let me battle what you wear. I'm the best, I'll be the best booted linesman in the town. I want to just clarify for those who perhaps from overseas don't understand this, when he says he plays veterans football it's just over 35 he's not some war hero no stolen valor Donaldson that's what they call me but I take your bag take your ribbons and medals off I need to yeah is that little Victoria Cross did you get that well I I basically needed I required a new pair of football boots because it's getting a bit cold I saw this I saw you post it in the group so I require comfort I require style yes I require a boot that says look at me and look at what I'm doing on the field Have you gone for the old Harry Kane sketches?

26:14No, I went I went onto Amazon and I found Here we go This is the first Football Ramble football boot unboxing that we've ever done Hopefully the last Yeah, hopefully the last I've gone for the brand We'll put it on the screen on the YouTube It's Botemans Botemans Botemans Not Botemans I was pronouncing Botemans Guess how much they were £23 Peter, send me the link Here they are Are they... Hold them up to the camera. Mouldies. Hold them up to the camera. Tippy fit. They've got a fake Nike swoosh on them. That is... 23 knots. Come on. That's a bit like... Not bad? That's a bit like saying, I've got these new football boots.

26:50They're four strokes. You know, that is so close to a 96. It is the... It's the colour of lust. It is the colour of blood. Pete, I looked them up. And bear in mind, you are a man not of inadequate means. You're not a poor man. No. I wouldn't say. Dressed like one. Yeah, but I looked up... A 1950s poor man. I looked up the Boatman shoes that you bought, football boots you bought, and you appear to have bought a pair of football boots off Amazon with the following product description. Boatman men's football shoes, breathable boys, girls, soccer trainers, cleats, professional football boots, unisex.

27:25And that's them saying that. That's just the SEO. But yeah, I'm going to find out what these are like at the weekend. Put them on now. Put them on the ad break. I'll put them on the ad break. I'll wear them for the rest of the show. Now, wear them for Jack's, Yeah. Okay, right. Bottomans. The boys. Do the tagline to the camera. Are you a Bottoman boy? Have you got the balls to become a Bottoman boy? Bottoman men's football shoes, breathable boys, girls, soccer trainers, cleats, professional football boots, unisex. I've got your Bottoman journey now.

28:02After Arna Slott's arrival last season, giving Liverpool the super new manager bounce by running away with the league. It's a hell of a bounce, that. We've seen a number of new managers failing to get their teams going. Amorim, United, Postico, Glu, Nuno, Potter, Lopetegui. Three West Ham ones. Yeah, three West Ham ones. Dice with Forrest losing to Bournemouth over the weekend. Have we seen the end of the new manager bounce, Marcus? Well. Well. How long can a bounce be? Yeah. Well, clearly all season on a slot. Yeah. Three West Ham managers, one current, two former. yeah I would there are some clubs where you just go you're part of that Man United are another one yeah well do you feel at West Ham it's kind of like there's a new manager bounce there's a new head coach bounce bounce and with West Ham they buy players they never buy players for the current manager that they've got they always buy players for some future manager they just buy players because they're cheap or they're affordable that's it they're cheap there's no plan also the future manager has to be unemployed he has to be someone who's recently failed exactly So they kind of line the nest for him.

29:09And so there's no transfer chest available for a new West Ham manager, for example. Yes. Because you're the head coach. You're just kind of like a guy who just deals with the squad you've been given. What they need is a new owner belt. Yes. That's what they need. That's the new thing, a new owner belt, right? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I think it's... Saudi's in. I mean, you know, you absolute rotter. Shocked at the amount of dildos around the place. My goodness. They're absolutely everywhere They're in the walls They're holding the stadium up They're in the walls This right here is the reason why we run a pretty tight ship back home We can't have this many load-bearing dildos It's just so much worse than we thought Oh dear, better than swords lying around the place though Yeah I suppose so But anyway, I would say that wouldn't I?

29:58You would Neither is ideal You'd prefer a dildo than a barn saw one would suggest. Yeah, I would agree. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what you get up to in the bedroom, Marcus. No, I was just waiting for you. Lopping off limbs. Lopping off lovers' limbs. You simply can't have limbs. Oh, you've been a naughty journalist. Fuck you, though. Jim Campbell. You're not usually the one to step over the line. To dance over the swords. You put the grot in play. You did, yeah. I'm just yes-ending. That's a good point, actually, yeah. good on you and good on you what about Trent Alexander-Arnold on the right side of defence he's been left out of Thomas Tuchel's squad of course I don't think I've ever talked more about a player than Trent Alexander-Arnold we cannot get away from talking about him even when he's playing when he's not playing when he's moving when he's not moving when he's in the England squad when he's not in the England squad it's remarkable to me really?

30:57yeah but isn't that I mean yeah he's not in the squad because he's not playing for Real Madrid that's it but why is he in the running order Luke are you because you put them in there presumably well no on the way in you do that thing with the live doc where you type it on the tube yeah and you chuck in things that you want to talk about well I mean I put this in because you you've already mentioned it wanted to talk about this Times journalist Sophia money coots great name stop there yep Times journalist Sophia money coots yeah we are a bunch of absolute sniveling twats as a country aren't we where we've got people in positions of power called that really Yeah, judge her.

31:34Judge her for that name. I do like the, I mean, I'm probably in no position to have a go at people's surnames, but I do like the fact that Coots is like a, you know, a famous private bank. Middle name, oh, money. Yeah. No, but it's not middle name, that's the two surnames. Former, former. Yeah, it's a double-barrelled name, which possibly makes it worse. Yeah. Former features director for Tatler magazine. We know what she's all about. Look, I don't, look, I think. Have you read the back of Tatler magazine? No. It is basically like lonely hearts, but for rich people. It's quite funny. Can you think of someone you know less likely to read Tatler magazine than me?

32:13To be fair, yeah, I think I'm less likely than you. That's any book. Yeah. Which not book is it? I like magazine then. Look at him. Defending himself. I'll control my narrative. If only Trent could do that and the man we're about to talk about. I was going to say, look, I think you're getting in the way here. and she is a member she is she is a member of the Coutts private banking dynasty by the way how did she get a job in journalism the mind boggles how did you get yours yeah how did you get yours working bloody hard yeah that's not true well anyway you're getting in the way because you're judging this poor woman on her name yeah okay let me try and appease you thinking I've started this by saying judge her judge her yeah and you're saying steady on yeah don't judge her judge her on this merits judge it maybe on the merits of the point she's making exactly Yeah, judge her on her work.

33:01Yeah, exactly. Fair enough. So she suggested that Trent Alexander-Arnold, with the hyphenated surname, could act as some form of inspiration to the now former royal Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, who should maybe hyphenate the Mountbatten-Windsor. Yeah, she said... She said that Andrew should be down with... She said Andrew should be down with the kids and hyphenate his name like Trent Alexander-Arnold. Let the judgment commence. We found someone who thinks that Prince Andrew, the former Prince Andrew, should be more down with the kids.

33:37Oh. Yeah. And now we can judge the whole... Hey, you want to get back to the England squad now, do you? Yeah, yeah. Do that what you want? Do you want to talk about Luke Shaw? You know that bit in Trainspotting? No, I do actually want to stick on this. You know that bit in Trainspotting where I can't remember exactly who's saying it, but it's the basics, the gang, talking about how we have a big pop at the English, but actually we're worse than them because we're ruled by those fucking bastards. Right. And so that makes us worse. Yeah, when they're in the countryside. Yeah, yeah. Whereas we're the normal people and we're having a go at these guys, but this is the ruling class.

34:08I'm not having a go at them. Well, I am. And they're the ones ruling over us. Yeah. And this is some of the serious points that are being made. All right, Karl Marx, start a revolution then. The Times of London is the newspaper of record in this country. Yeah. And that's some of the stuff that's in there. Well, rise them up. You've got your nation. I don't think history is taken far too seriously generally I think it's not taken seriously enough would be my general point well I think it's it's not in the question but I think the history is often taken too seriously when certain teams play each other and you think well the last time they played each other was 15 years ago what's that got to do with now yeah and you kind of go oh well we've got a history of and we've had enough of experts and all that kind of stuff yeah Tom laughed at that one so I'm staying in yeah okay he doesn't like it back at him is that your no I'm just trying to get my head right is that the gallery you're playing to that wasn't in the rehearsal I'll stop saying it when he stops laughing yeah alright it's like a little tickle button you've got you see people say the secret of good comedy is timing it's not it's repetition yeah in my view well right just hammer it home and stealing other people's jokes people accept it well I think real fun that wasn't doing it as a joke it was essentially he was quoting a failed joke yeah very different recontextualising it into an actual joke.

35:23I love how passionate Jim's been about this. Jim's been pretty rock solid on this Rio Ferdinand stuff from the very moment it happened on Friday. I respect it. Fine. I just think as a man who's been an apologist for Saudi for such a long time, it's fitting that he died such a public death.

35:39Yeah. Oh, dear. It's neck and neck. Vish and Marcus. This one's for the win. It's tense. I'm trying. In it tense. I'm really trying. This is for the people of Speller-Roos. He's exhausted. He's been rop-a-dopped throughout the five rounds. This is it. And he's just slugging away. This is 2-2 at the SCG. Here we go. Here we go. Can it be rained off? I'll take the tea. Almost certainly be rained off. Get that man some tea. Right. Start with you, Vish. The last 16. The last 16 permanent Swansea City managers. Oh, bloody hell. Why?

36:25What have you got against Swansvish? Yeah The last 16 permanent Swansea City managers Let's have them Gary Monk Oh nice Yes 2017 to 2018 I'll have Brendan Rodgers You can have him Two years In the tens

36:47Paul Clement Good one I like it Michael Laudrup Yep

37:02Carlos Carvajal Oh well done Beautiful One solitary year But wasn't it Well done Rubbish Can we go this far back Oh Soza It's Paolo Soza The Ting Tings are on the radio And Paolo Soza was in the dugout Oh, Marcus. I'm done now. Don't tell him that. I'm not done.

37:33I've got nothing. I hate sometimes my kids. Can I win this with Graham Potter? Oh, I think you have. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Come on! That's staying in England! The belt is staying in England! Bloody hell. Wow! I had to work for that. You really did. Graham Potter, yeah. Oh, God. Swansea City managers. What are they doing? The production team. That is a fucking disgrace. I'd love to tell you what the timebreaker is. The look on both of their faces. Just the way he looked at producer Tom and just went to the world. It's an international week. Outrageous. Bloody hell. I hope you have England on winning the Ashes now.

38:23Well there ladies and gents Just like that 2025 comes to an end I simply dread to think About what's set to rear Its greasy head In 2026 Thank you so much For all your support Across 2025 We couldn't And wouldn't do it without you And here's to even more ramble In the new year We'll be back on Monday To react to some festive Premier League goodness We'll see you then

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