Jack's Encyclopaedia: Champions League debutants, the worst Premier League teams & headers

0:01The 20 players with the most Premier League appearances from the Republic of Ireland. Richard Dunn. You bastard, I had him written down. Damien Duff. Oh, you absolute slag. I had him written down as well. Johnny Evans. He's Northern Irish. Oh, of course he is. That was like a proper Hail Mary as well. Oh my goodness, yeah. Sorry, Johnny. That's pretty disrespectful to the people of Northern Ireland. Yeah, so was the Hail Mary. Right.

0:29Dean Smith also says you're an encyclopedia of football. A what? An encyclopedia of football. I don't know what that means. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Football Ramble. It's Jack's Encyclopedia. I'm Marcus Speller. I'm Luke Moore. I'm Jim Campbell. And I'm the Dushan of Hunter-Raja.

1:01Yes. Yes, welcome back to another round of Jack's Encyclopedia. I am not Marcus doing an impression of Jim. I just actually am Jim. I am helming the game at the moment. I'm excited about this because I can't lose it. You were pretty down about your performance last time. I felt like listening back, it was like I had a bad head injury on the way to the show. In Jack's Encyclopedia folklore, we should tell the listeners that if you are in the position as a host here, but you're asking the producers to host Jack's Encyclopedia, That's a low point. I've not asked. You didn't ask. I don't remember asking, but I don't remember having a blow to the head either.

1:38Doesn't mean it didn't happen. If you have to ask, it's bad. Vish was asking. Was he? Was he? Of course he was. Well, you know, I don't want to take the belt to Australia with me. No chance of that. Might have to. I haven't said that. The pressure has become unbearable for me now. I guess we'll see, won't we? So Luke is currently the lineal champion of both Jackson Cyclopedia and my video, hence that pressure. Today, Vish will be looking to bring the belt to the Hantharajah Empire or the Speller Sovereignty. I'm on the buttons. Speller Sovereignty. Do you like that? Well, it's the kingdom of Speller, but they get the spirit of that.

2:10Speller-oose. That's nice. That is very nice because he's very much a vassal state to Vladimir Putin. That makes perfect sense. How bloody dare you? I'm not overly keen on the empire, really. There's been loads of different empires throughout the years. Yeah, exactly. Don't focus on one. Yes, exactly. Right, so if you don't know the rules, They are super simple. It's a game of categories. I will give a category, and then we'll go around each of our wonderful contestants to see if they can give me a valid answer. If you go too slow, in huge news, I will not be playing Gary Neville's Orgasm, nor will any of us ever be doing that again.

2:46Instead, I'll be playing you some new countdown timers, which will only leave you five seconds. This might mess up my rhythm. So this is pretty, pretty big. And by the looks of what I've got on the buttons, there's more than one of them. as well. So you can just choose one. Got loads to choose from here. Guys, public service announcement to both of you, I respect you as competitors. It's five seconds now, not seven. So you're going to have to adjust your thinking there. I am always very impressed when a competitor gets one in that countdown because the pressure's unbearable. Yeah, because you just hear the music and it affects your memory.

3:23It's no longer Gary in the commentary box. It's maybe closer to Phil on the beach. Okay, right. So we've got to have a quick wank while we're doing it. Indeed. We don't have to, but, you know. It's optional. Indeed. It's always optional, isn't it? Not in public. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. Okay, are we ready? Yeah, who's going first? So you're closest to me, Luke. I'll go with you. The champ is going first. Dealer's choice. You overthink this. Yeah, Dealer's choice. I overthink this. He's already rattled. You'll get a go. Good decision, Jim. Yeah, shit from Jim there. Oh, he's getting rattled.

4:01they're arguing among themselves aren't they where's the talking gone I don't mind if the belt's off to Australia okay here we go the 20 youngest English players to make their Champions League debut since 1992 Luke you were up first bloody hell okay English you say yeah I do okay I'll start with Phil Foden he's got to be in there surely Phil Foden is in there correct I had a little moment where I thought, I don't know, is that right? But you think it must be right. Yeah, that is correct. Some of them I'll be astonished if any of you get, but who knows? So Vish, you are up next. Max Dalman. Max Dalman is obviously in there.

4:44Correct. I'll scrub that one off my list. So since 1992, that is correct. Okay. So, Champions League though. I might have David Beckham. You might have David Beckham. And you might be bang wrong, Marcus. He's not in there. I'm angry. That is a poor start. I would never have thought to guess him. I think I might have had him in there myself, to be honest. And I can see that it's not in there. So, Luke, it's back to you. I'm going to assume that Drew Bellingham's in there. And you were going to be correct. Ooh. I might stay on the Arsenal trail. Ethan Waniere. Ethan Waniere. You're so good at choosing the ones I've already got.

5:24Obviously in there as well. I wasn't sure if he'd played for Arsenal and Champions. Theo Walcott Theo Walcott he's also there back on the Arsenal trail I'm running out now though I'm running out oh Wilshire Jack Wilshire Wilshire is there as well okay it's a good game Dominic Solanke I think correct very good very very good over to you Vish Rico Lewis Rico Lewis is presently correct since 92 that threw me this is a real gamble but I've run out so I'm going to have to have an educated guess I think that Taylor Harwood Bellis did it early on and you're right I think of him because of a Samantha thing Bish we're buying you time now I'm itching to use this countdown button I like to be quite liberal I don't know if he's played but Rio Ngemar for Liverpool oh that's right I think he's there well done oh fuck okay and that's me done yeah I'm actually done as well so you're going to get to use the countdown in a minute it's a tough one from here I mean I'll have a punt at this it could be a really obvious one which could be ridiculous Michael Owen?

6:42unfortunately not unfortunately not so Vish it is over to you he's done very young yeah but he might not have played in the Champions League it's a difficult one from here I've got to give it to you we don't need to say any more about this player especially if it's right you're going to be right I know what you're going to say he's building up here yeah you're going to be right Mason Greenwood has to be is correct point to Vish point to Vish well done I told you Marks we've got a band together to stop this and you chuck a fucking David Beckham in there first time round it's poor on me that is Rashford was really close on those lines but I didn't so the other ones are they're all pretty difficult from here so there's Ainsley Maitland Niles which you might have pulled out of the Arsenal trail Andre Harriman-Anous, who came on for Arsenal the other night.

7:26So if you watched that game, you might have known that. Otherwise, there's Malachi Fagan-Walcott. Don't know who that is. Reggie Walsh. Never mind. Josh McEachern. Ah, for Chelsea. Shola Shorthair, Stefan O 'Connor, and Trey Nione. So that whole 92 thing completely threw me because normally, the producer would say from the turn of the century. And I thought, I guess it's from when the Champions League starts. Of course. Vish, good start. very good stuff good stuff that's a good round it was a good round to win it with that but it was a good round from you two well you're back in now Marcus so you know maybe you'll maybe you'll do better on this one and hopefully you guys will dither a bit more so I can use that countdown I'm going to go around the table this way so Vish you're starting now every player to start in Crystal Palace's 3-2 win against Brighton in the 2017-18 season the M23 derby I fucking hate these are the worst rounds for me I can never get the years right 17-18 Yes, so I'll repeat it for that reason.

8:25Every player to start in Crystal Palace's 3-2 win against Brighton in the 2017-2018 season. So that's either for Crystal Palace or either for Brighton. I can never get the year right in my mind. Yeah, it's very difficult. I'm really struggling. Zaha. Wilf Zaha is correct. Yeah, absolutely. Joel Ward. Oh, God. Joel Ward is there. Well done. That's excellent. I don't know if this is going to be the right year because I'm terrible on the years and it feels too early but there's a chance I think it was the first season that Pascal Gross played for Brighton Pascal Gross is there yes he must have signed that year surely Lewis Dunk damn you Lewis Dunk is of course present and correct I'll have Solly Marsh Solly Marsh see the thinking Marcus but unfortunately he's not there This is not guesswork city, this.

9:24Glenn Murray for either of them. Yeah, good chill. Glenn Murray's there. For who? Glenn Murray was playing for Brighton at the time. Oh, well done. Great one. I mean, there's a lot of pressure on me now. If I don't get this, then Visha's two ahead. And this is bad news. Luka Milivojevic. Luka Milivojevic is there. And you went first, didn't you? Yeah. Okay. The only name I've got in my locker is... Gaetan Bong. Well played. Well done. Well done. Vish, over to you. Trust you to get the bong. First the bong, then the points. Other way round, other way round. Yeah, one makes the other significantly harder, you would imagine.

10:06Wayne Hennessy? Wayne Hennessy is there. Lovely. Don't celebrate like him. Nope. He was wavy. It's true. He had no idea who Adolf Hitler was. I don't think you should remember that. Okay, you give me a clue there because you got the Palace Keeper. Can I get the Brighton Keeper? I'm not accepting the Brighton Keeper. I want to make that clear. I can get it, but I can't quite remember his name. That's difficult. Yeah, which makes it tough. Well, there's been a lot of filibustering going on. Oh, what's his fucking name? I know his first name as well. Let's see.

10:38Say something. Matt Thingy. He is a specialist in Philly. Oh, fuck off, Jose. Fuck's sake. The goalkeeper, the Australian Keeper, Matt Thingy. Matthew Ryan. Yes Matt Ryan Very briefly played for Arsenal Back on that trail as well So You're all going to kick yourselves Over the first one Was Connor Gallagher there? Connor Gallagher was not there But Andros Townsend Was there You could have had Biram Kyle Dale Stephens Ezekiel Shalotto James McArthur James Tompkins McArthur Jose Esquerdo Jürgen Lacardia Mamadou Sacco Matt Ryan Patrick Van Arnholt Ruben Loftus-Cheek I had him written down Another one Shane Duffy and Johan Kabai so they're tough these ones they are tough one can never guess James McArthur because he crosses over with James McArthur yeah exactly exactly it's very very difficult I've lost a sheet written down but like a question mark because he was only on loan there for a short while those year ones are fucking brutal they are it's devious devious stuff from our producers to be fair once again you boys did well I'm having a shocker today but you boys did very well there but this is particular

11:49Marcus, now's your time to shine, mate. This is a good one for fans of Schadenfreude. The 20 teams with the lowest cumulative points since the Premier League began. That is excellent. Yeah, so you're up first on this one, Marcus. The lowest points since the Premier League. Yeah, so essentially teams, yeah, you understand. The lowest cumulative points since the Premier League began. Barnesley Barnesley are correct yeah nice it's not easy I think sadly Portsmouth will probably be in there Portsmouth are in there who did Marcus say? no you don't you've got to remember that Swindon Town Swindon Town are present correct and shit he didn't say Swindon Town Charlton Athletic Charlton Athletic he says oh come on oh I'm afraid not Marcus wow they've probably spent far too long in the Premier League I'm surprised at that yeah they had a long run so annoying so annoying because there's such easy guessable ones I can't believe Charlton are not in there Sheffield United Sheffield United are there Oldham Athletic oh you slay they are there

13:09QPR Queens Park Rangers he said oh no correctly oh are you thinking they're too good in the 90s well I think I would imagine they'd be sort of yeah I think because of Charlton I thought Luton Town Luton Town definitely you're on great form today mate I have to say another gamble mine are all gambles I don't really because obviously I don't know did Brentford sneak in there still not been there long I'm very surprised to see their name in front of me, but it is there. Huddersfield Town? Huddersfield Town. Also there? I went first, right, because Mark has started. Okay, fine. It's just guesswork stuff now, this.

13:54I'm sure, surely Blackpool are going to be in there. Yeah. Reading? I thought so. Reading are there as well. This is a great game, guys. I know I've been on form for a while, and I've won a lot of weeks recently, but it's very difficult to deal with Vish on this form. It is. Very difficult.

14:17I'm going to have to count down you. I don't know. Burnley? Oh, I think you got that. Burnley are not there. For the win, Vish. Or I'm back in. I've got one of the two Welsh sides. Cardiff City? Oh, there you go. Cardiff City are there. Vish, that is great. Really good stuff. Very well played. You can't argue with it. Can't argue with it. In many ways, it's fine to lose like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could have had Birmingham City. You could have had Bradford City. Derby County, which I'm amazed none of you got. Oh, wow, yeah, yeah. Hull City, Ipswich Town, Swansea City, who were also there, so you were covered that way.

14:55Watford, which is a little bit surprising to me. And also Wigan Athletic. Wigan, yeah. So, there we go. You can't argue with it. This is so annoying because you would have thought of that. Charlton, can't believe they got, not in the top. They must be close. they must be yeah you would think so now you've got to hand it to old Visho he wants to take that belt to Australia quite clearly yeah and he's going to do so well no he's back on Friday so he might not of course we've got a chance how much does it cost to move forward flying so you've heard our new countdown noises there sadly Gary Neville's orgasm has let out it's final whimper certainly on this show but we're now on the lookout for a few more funnies to put at the end of each of those countdowns if you want to give us your suggestions then get in touch today you can email us show at footballramble.com or if you're a friend of the Ramble you can send us your suggestions over on the Discord and they will of course take priority.

15:44So obviously we need to stat pad here and obviously Luke and Marcus I imagine you're welcome the chance to do that. We don't want them to get a white watch do we? We've got two more rounds we're going to play. And I mean let's go for it. This is a fun one as well. The 22 players who have won the most aerial duels in the Premier League this season. Bloody hell. I'm first, right? Yes, the fourth one. Ariel Jules. Ariel Jules, yes. Virgil van Dijk? Virgil van Dijk is there. Surely Dan Byrne. Yeah, Dan Byrne. Dan Byrne doesn't even have to jump to do that, does he? So yeah, he's in there.

16:27Harry Maguire. Harry Maguire. Not played enough, is he? If he has played enough, he's not been using his head very much, which seems unlikely. Because he's not in there. Marcus. I'll give it... I was rattled. Some of these are really tough. I've foolishly been rattled. Marcus, you're not giving me any support whatsoever here against this new incumbent champion.

16:51Who else is a big cunt? Yeah. Joe Roden. Joe Roden's in there. Well done. He eats a lot of balls up. He does. Canate? Ibrahima Canate is there. I had him written down, yeah.

17:09I mean I'm possibly not learning the lessons of Marcus here but I'll go for Matthias De Ligt Matthias De Ligt is there I'm out again Marcus I'm out again so Vichy's going to get another point here I'm sure you can see this happen I have to hurry up about it because I want to see what countdown number three does when you press the button Big Con for Sunderland Ballard Dan Ballard Dan Ballard did you say Shan Ballard Dan Ballard I thought you said Shan Ballard Dan Ballard he's in there he's pulled it out of the fire there I was going to let it go and then I remembered it was five seconds not seven so I panicked Trae Hume then Trae Hume well done I don't know who that is he plays all the time he plays every game that's an R &B singer have a bit respect for the smaller team let's hear that countdown yeah it's getting very very countdown we have no white watching Gabrielle yep so I kind of filibustered for you then well in which case I'm going to go for William Saliba oh no fuck's sake why is he not in there because he's too classy he doesn't do the edits probably is that doesn't do the edits I don't do the edits I don't do the edits yeah Vish I'm going to have to countdown you I'm afraid

18:35Romero? I hate sometimes my kids.

18:41Christian Romero is not in there, so Luke is back in. John Paul Van Hecker. John Paul Van Hecker is there. Oh, that's a big one from Luke Paul. That is a huge, that's a towering header. Mark Gay? Mark Gay with a similarly towering header. We're just naming centre backs. Yep. We are just naming centre backs. Which is a good tactic so far. Yeah. Oh, God.

19:04I did it for Vish, so I'm going to have to do it for you, Luke. Mickey Van Der Ven. Mickey Van Der Ven.

19:16I don't know if it's on the floor or in the air. I think Granit Xhaka is a dual leader. Yes! He does it again. He does it again. Now, you could have had Beto, Chris Richards, Igor Tiago, Jake O 'Brien, James Tarkovsky, Marshall Manezzi, Max Killman, Maxence Lacroix, Michael Keane, Nordi Mukoeli, or Sepp Vandenberg. So, blimey. You guys did well again. Yeah. Yeah, I mean. You can get involved whenever you want. Yeah, Marcus. You can keep going. You're back in, Marcus. I know what this feels like. it's horrible to feel you getting whitewashed and that you've maybe been kicked in the head by a horse on the way to the studio but have forgotten it.

20:01I was kicked in the head by a horse. But you do have a chance. You're back in here, Marcus. Come on. Head in the freezer. Fire in the belly. Fire in the belly. That's what you want. That's what I want. Every player with more than a... Who's going first? Vish. Vish is first this time. This shouldn't matter that much. Every player with more than 115 Champions League appearances since the start of the 1995-96 season. I will repeat that. Every player with more than 115 Champions League appearances since the start of the 95-96 season. There are some massive, massive names in here. Obviously exclusively massive names, really, given the question.

20:40It's right up your street this month. You are first, yes. Lionel Messi. Lionel Messi. I don't even need to have a look at that. Of course that's in there. I'm never playing this game again if Cristiano Ronaldo is not the right answer. He is. This kind of round's terrible to go third on. I know. Because you get Messi and Ronaldo. There's big names. You'll be fine. Xavi? Xavi is there. Iniesta? Of course. Well, I'll have Busquets then. And you will be correct. Don't start that. I was genuinely just looking for his name there. Marcus, Marcus. Welcome back.

21:19Ryan Giggs? Ryan Giggs is there. How many players were there in total, by the way? There were 25, was it? Okay. Paul Scholes. Correct.

21:32Ika Casillas. Gotta be. Yeah.

21:37This is good, by the way, because you're all actually doing really well in this, because it's essentially just think of a famous player. Yeah. Tony Cruz. Tony Cruz is there. Well done. I'm running out. Raul. Raul. Yep. Luka Modric Luka Modric is there well done mate Tomas Moula nicely done we've had 12 already Carlos Pio correct Sergio Ramos fucking wanker that's exactly what I wrote down as soon as he said it correct as soon as he said that is exactly what I wrote down doing really well I mean maybe you'll get it maybe you'll get it I think that if we're going to do the Kroos-Modrich thing I'm going to go the Casemiro oh and you're going to fall on your sword oh mate I thought you played enough seasons for that they play at the finals all the time yeah Karim Benzema Benzema is there yes well done Philip Lahm incredibly not oh my god it's a whitewash from Vish oh let's hear it again Oh dear I had Pepe as well That was the other one Yeah Pepe's there You could have had Angel Di Maria David Alaba Gerard Piquet Gianluigi Buffon Pepe as mentioned Robert Lewandowski Roberto Carlos Xabi Alonso And Zlatan Ibrahimovic Well how about that We can't argue with it He's won the full gamut Of the best guys of all time To the shittest Premier League And he's got Every single point That was impressive I have to say I think I speak for all of us when I say what a fucking nerd on absolute square I feel sad I've lost my belt I can't have identified with that I've got a reason to carry on now you've got another one don't worry yeah I know well thank you very much for listening to the Football Ramble part of the ACAR's Created Network we're back on Monday to react to all the weekends football make sure you're following us on socials at Football Ramble and subscribe on YouTube Spotify, Apple or wherever you get your podcasts and remember to vote for us for the FSA Awards in best podcast category.

23:48Vish. You're so angry. I'm rightly so. I'm rightly so. Vish, which song, which pitbull song would you like to play for the weekend? Oh, one of the good ones. One of the good ones. I think Vish has stopped the party. So let's have fireball today, everybody. Enjoy your weekend. Well done, Vish. That was something else. I take my hat off to you. Lots of love. We'll see you Monday. See ya.

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