Jack's Encyclopaedia: Chelsea managers, elite keepers and relegatees

0:00I tell myself, it's not about comparing. But then I start wondering, what can they lift? Are they adding more weight to their barbell than I am? And suddenly, I'm not training. Then I realize, my journey is not theirs. I've earned every step. So I smile. My smile is the shape resilience takes to keep me moving. To put more smiles out into the world, Colgate has supported female athletes for over 50 years with the Colgate Women's Games, the nation's longest-running indoor track and field series for girls and women. Colgate, your smile is your strength.

0:57a global perspective, and a squad of Americans, including me, on the ground with the U.S. national team. Plus, if you want to test your soccer knowledge, try On The Ball. It's a game in the Guardian app, and it's really, really fun. And if you're into stuff like this... Well, I think the problem is if you give footballers an inch, they will take a mile. Is it too much when it's this close? It's a bit much. It's a bit too real. Maybe you could just talk with a slight delay. Be sure to listen to our Football Weekly podcast for on-the-move expert analysis. The Guardian, bringing you the whole picture on soccer.

1:27Search Guardian Soccer for more.

1:57Hello everybody, welcome to the Football Ramble It's Jack's Encyclopedia I'm Marcus Speller I'm Pete Donaldson And I'm David Cartridge Welcome back to another edition of Jack's Encyclopedia I'm in charge today Looks like Vish is running scared David Cartlidge Looks like Vish is still scared Of losing his belt So in preparation We're playing a league fixture With you David Take out Marcus Where's Vish? Just hiding his little cricket bat I think he's hiding behind Two cricket bats for legs Two cricket bats for arms And a ball for the head You will need a ball in cricket Yeah I'm trying to think of A large thing in there It's the stumps Stumps for his trunk The stumpy thing The stumps for his trunk I see Right Yeah Yeah, I'm on the buttons So see how that one pans out today We're all very tired If you don't know the rules It's very, very simple Let's give a cat of grease I'll give you a category And we'll go around each of you To see if you can give us a valid answer If you go too slow I'll be sad inside But also, more pertinently I will be pressing a countdown timer Leaving six seconds to answer David, you're going to kick things off Are you confident?

3:17Not really, no That's the spirit That's the spirit Come on Do you get that Friday feeling? Yeah I mean, David's tired. I'm tired because jet lag. David's tired because he stayed up, not because of babies or anything, recent father and all that. He stayed up to watch the NBA draft. NBA? NBA draft. NFL draft. NFL draft. Okay. The baby was crying, but... That's quite interesting. Interesting. And I stayed up just so you couldn't say you got an advantage over me. It's a good point. Very good point. All right. What were you doing? Don't you ask. Yeah. doing his own draft England England team draft for yourself yeah I just a little plane draft every single Thursday night to prepare for every single football ramble that's right he sits down and he just gives himself a little get him on that plane draft damn right a little tuchel draft it takes me a long time and then I think what do I what formation but what have we had to change in game yeah Ollie Watkins on the jump seat love it absolutely love it yeah so I got to bed at about 5am beautiful alright started at 5pm we're out drafting every night Chelsea managers in the Premier League era David that is our first round Chelsea managers in the Premier League era this includes permanent interim and caretaker managers there's 27 motherfuckers bloody hell bloody hell bloody hell we tired man 27 Jesus have some respect 27 managers oh my goodness kick us off David okay Graham Potter Why'd you start with him?

4:53Have some respect I'll go for Liam Rossini then Why'd you start with him? I know exactly It's even worse Do you know what? I was petrified I was going to say his father's name Imagine getting that wrong that early Oh dear At least Potter's gone to the World Cup Good point Avram Grant Lovely to hear Avi's name Love to hear him Uncle Avi So you said interim and all those All the beautiful If they've been in the dugout Let's play ball Okay Well let's get Jose Mourinho out of the way Correct Gus Hiddink Good old Gus

5:35Thomas Ducal Thomas Ducal Correct Roberto Di Matteo Oh Yes You love to hear it He was officially High achieving in charge of that team, wasn't he? I'll go for Antonio Conte. Correct. I'm going to go for Rude Hollett. Nice. Who will I go for? I'll go for Marizu Asari. Don't look at me like that. trying to make a bit of attention in 27 managers I'm going to go for the current interim Stuart McFarlane what was his name sorry oh that's a good point actually that's a good point actually wasn't Stuart McFarlane wasn't Seth McFarlane it was Callum McFarlane oh my god who's Stuart McFarlane who is Stuart McFarlane who is Stuart oh dear oh god I'll go for Maurizio Pochettino Well done, Marcus.

6:46You've taken the round. Inexplicably, due to a little McFarlane slip. David, I have done that a number of times on this game before. We're a shit weight lose, though. I know, it is. I hope you're happy with that win, yeah? I'm happy to be on the right side of it for a change. Normally, it's me who gets on the wrong side of that. A silly mistake. David, would it make you feel better to learn that Stuart McFarlane is an Arsenal photographer? Oh, my God. That is absolutely... Andres Villas-Boas, you could have had Bruno Saltor, you could have had Carlo Ancelotti, you could have had Claudio Ranieri, David Webb, Enzo Maresca, you could have had Frank Lampard, Gianluca Vialli.

7:22It's making your decision to go with Stuart McFarlane even worse here, doesn't it? Graham Ricks. No. Ian Porterfield, Luis Villis-Villis Calari, Mauricio Pochettino, Rafa Benitez, Ray Wilkins, caretaker, and Stephen Holland, caretaker. So well done for all of the ones you got right. Was Glenn Hoddle not in there? Did I not say Glenn Hoddle? I meant to say Glenn Hoddle Glenn Hoddle's in there Player manager I had Hoddle on my list as well Two player managers in there Unless there was more But definitely two Because you had Hoddle And obviously Vialli I had Vialli as well Where I went for Stuart McFarlane Graham Rex No No no no I didn't Do you know what I actually didn't realise You would have been into him But when you say that Right Marcus one David nil I feel very lucky To get a point there Yes Marcus's turn I have given points away Many times in this game So nice that one's come back to me.

8:12Look, it's a great start. We went deep into the list of players, sorry, managers, but we fell in a really weird way. It happens! It happens. Marcus, you're cooking himself. it may well happen again, David, in just a few moments' time. Marcus, don't try to make me feel better. Marcus, I'm asking you the question, do you like goals? Yeah, yeah. Do you like goals? Do you like good goals? Good goals. We only score good goals. Every player with 14 or more goals in Europe's top five leagues this season. Every player with 14 or more goals in Europe's top five leagues this season. Only league goals count.

8:55Right. Only league goals count. This is always a tricky one and I'm always relieved if you go first with this because Erling Haaland is always a correct answer. I'm just pleased to get one correct answer in there. Igor Thiago. Yeah, that's the other one. I get all the goals I get all the goals and this is where you go oh he'll be in there and you go no he scored them all in the Champions League 14 all more goals surely killing him Bappe's in there he is in there Robert Lewandowski

9:33oh unbelievable you see that's another one he let me down last week David David. What I like about the error checking on this game is that every time there's a link to transfer markets and everything and then as soon as as soon as somebody does that Robin Levin obviously he's not thinking he's going to score a lot of goals I see a little click on that transfer market from the production team. We'll see how that one pans out. In the meantime Marcus I guess you've had one first so you got that round well done. Do you know who I had lined up? Denis Undav. Oh yes he's in there. Yeah I know he's got an absolute hat.

10:08Do you want the full list? I'd love to have the forward it's 2-0 as we head into the the side I suppose the third round Ante Budimir you could have had Antoine Semenyo you could have had Daniel Marlon you could have had Esteban Lepoel you could have had Ferran Torres you should have had Harry Kane Gio Pedro Joaquim Panacelli you could have had Laminia Marl La Torre Martinez Luis Diaz I thought you were going to go for Martínez well I've got three of them written down I know Mason Greenwood Serhu Garassi and Vedeta Mariki Mariki yeah yeah and Spenna yeah yeah there we go so there's a handful of names in there which I just definitely would have got but obviously there was a fair few you've got to be looking at Harry Kane you've got to be looking at yourself yeah I know I definitely had Harry Kane in the you know in mind I don't want to showboat with Dennis any round you know you can bring up Harry Kane but that is a signal Lewandowski let me down last week or the other week when I played Jim so he's a big league bottler is he well I thought he scored What was the question then?

11:09I think it was five or more in the Champions League and he scored four. And I thought 11 dollars was a banker there. Not that. Not this season.

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13:42I'm Alex Abnos, Senior Sports Editor from The Guardian. Whether you're a soccer beginner or you know the game inside and out, we've got you covered. From one of the fastest-growing soccer newsrooms, The Guardian brings you in-depth World Cup coverage that gets into the winners and losers on and off the pitch. Read, watch and listen as our journalists connect the dots between the games, the cultures and this political moment. We'll have daily newsletters throughout the tournament, a global perspective and a squad of Americans, including me, on the ground with the U.S. national team. Plus, if you want to test your soccer knowledge, try On The Ball.

14:14It's a game in the Guardian app and it's really, really fun. And if you're into stuff like this... Well, I think the problem is if you give footballers an inch, they will take a mile. Is it too much when it's this close? It's a bit much. It's a bit too real. Maybe you could just talk with a slight delay. Be sure to listen to our Football Weekly podcast for on-the-move expert analysis. The Guardian, bringing you the whole picture on soccer. Search Guardian Soccer for more.

14:43Markers 2, David 0. It's the third round. David, you're starting, and you really need to pick up some points here. So, every player in Wolves' starting XI are on the bench for their 2018 Premier League win against West Ham. their first victory after promotion. What is that about? Come on. No, don't come on me. What is that 2018? Every player in Wolves' starting 11 are on the bench for their 2018 Premier League win against West Ham, their first victory after promotion. 2018. Bloody hell. Wolves are starting 11. Pissing hell. Jean Matinho. Let me have a look. Correct. Connor Cody.

15:29correct Rue Patricio oh damn that was my next one there you go think back to 2018 I am Prince Harry and Meghan Markle chat up the World Cup come on who do they have in there Saudi Arabia allowing women to drive all the events trying to think on the replies they had on loan and all that bollocks Would they have signed at that point Raul Jimenez The Golden State Killer Arrested an April I've said Raul Jimenez I'm not that confident though Black Panther Yeah Avicii dies I've said a player Sorry, what did you say? Go on Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do I

16:28Marcus for the win FTW I'm going to go for another one Who was a favourite round then But I don't know if he was in the Team Adama Traore

16:39Marcus Well done There we go Bit of a crapshoot That was a tough one man Whoa That was a tough one The Novichok attacks In the Storm Eleanor Donald Trump Councils UK visit Stop reading headlines Was Little Vatina in there? I'm sorry Novichok attacks Helicoster John Ruddy Johnny Johnny I was trying to think who the keeper was I was thinking of Fullbacks Yeah yeah Sorry the subkeeper On my Courtney Street Live to Courtney House Leo Bonatini Matt Docherty Docherty Morgan Gibbs-White Oh hello Roman Saiz Ruben Neves you could have had Ruben Vinegar delicious Ryan Bennett Willy Bolly and Diego Jota where's Willy Bolly now?

17:32Wolves versus West Ham in 2018 oh deary me hang on it's not difficult to beat Marcus or Pete oh there's a thing there's a button I do put that on there it's not difficult to beat Marcus or Pete it's not difficult to beat Marcus or Pete

17:53Willy bodies at Forest But in 2018 Against West Ham Crucially For the question Who's in that side Yes Oh dear Well look Let's You know Goal difference And all that counts So the next two rounds Are big Yeah They are big They are big The death of Stephen Hawking Marcus Round number four The top 21 goalkeepers Demit thus more saves In Premier League history The top 21 goalkeepers to make the most saves in Premier League history. Blimey. It's a big one, isn't it? Top 2-0 goalkeepers to make the most saves in Premier League history. So does that mean you're good or busy? You've got to be good or you've got to be busy.

18:33Yeah, okay. I will go for David James. Ooh. Yep. Nice thinking. Jordan Pickford. I like that. I like it. Shea Given. Yep. Peter Cech. Yep

18:53Edwin van der Sel Ooh Bloody hell Wow Not in there Because I thought of a time of Fulham as well I'm surprised at that Yeah yeah That's Yeah Alright Unlucky Jens Lemon Ooh Ooh I wouldn't have now Pick Jens God you let me back in there Both back in David Both back in I say that and I went for the wrong answer Van der Sar's thrown me come on who am I going for here Peter Schmeichel you're joking oh what is happening here David David I wouldn't normally give advice to other players steer clear from Man United goalkeepers I thought you were genuinely going to give us something I was like no I'm completely bollocks that Yossi Askelainen oh I like that that's got to be in there correct well done picking up them points after the after the Lord Mayor's show yeah yes it's Marcus 3 David 1 you could have had Aaron Ramsdale inexplicably Asmir Begovic you could have had Ben Foster Bert Leno Brad Friedel David De Gea oh there you go yeah but it's clearly a different era Hugo Chloris you could have had Joe Hart you were going to go for Peter Schmeichel Kasper Schmeichel's in there Lucas Fabianski Mark Schwarzer Nick Pope Paul Robinson Robert Green Thomas Sonson and your friend of mine motherfucking Tim Howard yes so another man you're not a goalkeeper goddamn fucking asshole yeah 3-1 as we head into the final round David you could have a little 3-2 action how about that how about that alright it'll be a nice little sort of egg cup for you What have we got?

20:47Burnley Fulham from 1995? Howie, get on with it Howie Every team to get relegate from the Premier League Since the 2015-2016 season There are 22 teams Every team to get relegate from the Premier League Since the 2015-2016 season Man City asterisks

21:12Derby Ooh

21:17You might be wrong here. Oh my God, David. Oh my God. Do you know when you said that, I thought that's a shocker. I don't know. He's thrown himself in. I've got four other teams on my list and I've gone for them first. Oh, mate. It's the Donaldson move. The North East is represented by just doing the same thing. I'll take the round. But David's got way more knowledge than me. I'll take the round by saying my own team, Fulham.

21:40Just a ding. it's not difficult to beat Marcus hey yeah David you've you've that's yeah it's bad don't just see where it is don't be nice it's bad it's shocking you could have had would it make would it make you feel better to say that your club's I was about to say you could have had your own team let's all go home and get some sleep together should we all just go for it no no no for you the NFL draft is the real winner that draft I never thought that that draft would help me in any kind of way. No. Why would I? But today, the draft is assisted me. The draft is an ill wind that has blown you to victory in your sails.

22:18You can have had Aston Villa, Bournemouth, Burnley three times, Cardiff, Huddersfield, Town Hall, City, Switch Leeds, Leicester twice, Luton Town, Middlesbrough, Newcastle, Norwich, Sheffield United twice, Southampton twice, Stoke City, Sunderland, Swansea City, Watford twice, West Brom twice, and Wolves once. Norwich City was also three times as well, just to remind everybody. I know, I know. Look, mate, there was a round once where I couldn't name a single referee in the Premier League, okay? We all have them. We all have them. That don't make me feel better, man. Okay. All right, thanks. You and I are going to lunch later.

22:54I don't want you to be all sad. We're not going anymore. I need some sleep. Well, there we are. A 4-1 victory for me. Yeah. I feel very fortunate to get a 4-1 victory, but there we are. They all count. And that's the end of the show. Thanks for listening to the Football Ramble part of the Acast Creator Network. We're back on Monday to react to all the weekends. Football, we've got the FA Cup semifinals, Arsenal versus Newcastle, and so much more. Do make sure you're following us on socials, at Football Ramble, and subscribe on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. And remember, go to the socials or hit the link in the preview show notes to see if you can get a ticket for our Ramble watch-along for England versus Croatia on the 17th of June at 40 Foot Brewery at Black Horse in North London.

23:41It's going to be fabulous. But until then, the weekend is officially open. Pitball is playing. Get your dancing shoes on. It's going to be epic. Thank you, Peter. Jamal Khashoggi murdered 2nd of October. Thank you, David. Thank you. We'll see you all.

24:09Got trippier though, didn't we? He's quite good at football. The Football Ramble is a Stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network.

24:25Immersing yourself in all things soccer ahead of this summer's World Cup? I'm Alex Abnos, senior sports editor from The Guardian. And whether you're a soccer beginner or you know the game inside and out, we've got you covered. Read, watch and listen as our journalists connect the dots between the games, the cultures, and this political moment. We'll have daily newsletters throughout the tournament, reporters on the ground with all the big teams, and the legendary Football Weekly podcast, The Guardian, bringing you the whole picture on soccer. Search Guardian Soccer for more.