Mailbag: How much trouble are West Ham really in?

0:00Hello everybody, welcome to the Football Ramble Mailbag. West Ham United, New Year's resolutions and big vibes are the orders of the day. It's Tuesday, 30th of December. I'm Marcus Speller. I'm Luke Moore. And I'm Pete Donaldson, gosh darn it.

0:23Hello, everybody. It's New Year's Eve Eve. It's the 30th of December, you see. Remember, it's the mailbag. You can ask us anything on this show. I do mean anything, as the show will carry on. You will understand fully. You're so pleased with yourself doing the New Year's Eve joke. He's like that. Yeah, I liked how much you enjoyed it. Because you gave us a little clarifier at the end. It's the 3rd of December, you see? You see? Yeah, it works. You see what I'm doing there? It works. Slipping ever more closely to Alan Partridge. You'll never go full Alan Partridge because you'll always be a little bit, Pete will agree with me on this, you'll always be partially Brucey.

1:02Yeah. So you'll adopt a bit of both, I think. Most hosts are Alan Partridge at the end of the day. Hosting is Partridge. That's why it's such a good character. Yes, exactly. Anyway, if you want to get in touch for the mailbag to contribute to this fine show, then you can get in touch on xbluesky or Instagram at footballramble. Comment on YouTube or email us at footballramble.com. And of course, friends of the Ramble, you get priority. patreon.com forward slash football ramble or sign up on YouTube. Yeah, so basically, if you're a racist, it's X. If you're a wet blanket liberal, it's blue sky. If you like looking at pictures of yourself, it's Instagram.

1:39And if you're a good lad or a good girl, it's Patreon. Absolutely. Right, without further ado, this is the first question of today's mailbag from friend of the ramble, Michael. And Michael simply asks this, how much trouble are West Ham in? Well, what have they done? who's told their mum for a number of seasons now Luke they've done very little and that's the board I think they're in a lot of trouble I really do think they're in a lot of trouble off the pitch they are diabolical I mean they're on their third head coach of the year the calendar year and they there's loads of chat you could get into about how disappointed the fans are with them as a club, all the stuff that's been chattered to the fans about what's happening and what isn't happening and the lies that the fans feel like they've been told and all that kind of stuff.

2:37So maybe we can do a bit on that in a minute if you want. But on pitch, they're poor. I mean, they've been really poor. Only Wolves have conceded more goals than them and not that many more. And Wolves are going to be historically bad, possibly the worst ever. I think so. Even when West Ham do score goals, they somehow conspire to not win. The Villa example actually we used yesterday. They went ahead twice and still didn't win the game. At the start of the season, you could probably take it all the way back to 2017, I would say. 2017? Well, because 2017 is when Bilic is manager and he's had a good season the season before.

3:21and that is when West Ham move into the London Stadium and it affects the start of their season because they can't play any home games until like some point in September and so they end up opening their season I think with four away games in the Premier League and they lose three and draw one and they just can't get going and they end up firing Billich and bring in David Moyes, right? And David Moyes comes in and does well. And his contract's not renewed. They were 18th in the league when he came in. That's right. He comes in, does well. His contract's not renewed, right? And then they go for Pellegrini.

4:06That goes to shit. They spend loads and loads of money with Pellegrini. He leaves them in 17th. Yeah, 155 million they spent in transfer. Sure. while he was in charge he leaves him in 17th and Moyes comes back does really well again hello David yeah usual parking space yes you can David and then obviously they replace him with Lopetegui hang on they won a trophy yeah they do well as I said they do well they replace him with Lopetegui he's a disaster Graham Potter comes and then we come up to kind of this season Graham Potter but I think if I may you've skirted over why they brought in Lopetegui to Moyes because they thought they'd be better well exactly this is the thing We can dine at that table now.

4:47And I think this is it. When Moyes comes in, they win the Europa Conference League and they have a good run also under Moyes in the Europa League, which is impressive as well. And these are no mean feats, of course. And the celebrations in that part of London when they brought home the Europa Conference League were amazing. And you think to yourself, understandably, as a fan base of a club, bloody hell, right, this is the start of something. and what that something is is definitely not relegation battles yeah okay but people might say oh but fans have these illusions of grandeur blah blah blah whatever no you get that you're into the Europa League you're doing reasonably well you know three top ten finishes David Moyes in four seasons he manages like you are you surely are thinking to yourself right okay we're looking up now you know you've got a big stadium for all its faults we're a London club you can attract players blah de blah de blah Lopetegui comes in former Real Madrid manager okay that's to kind of put quite a favourable light on him for a bit you know Spain manager but you know a manager of quite a high profile you would say I know Pellegrini was and that didn't work out so right okay let's have another go and Lopetegui had Premier League experience with Wolves.

6:11In he goes and he's gone after what was it six months or something like that and you think well bloody hell okay that's not gone according to plan and then they get in Graham Potter and Potter it's fair to say was pretty much a disaster really. Potter I understood why they went for Potter but it just hasn't worked. But the Graham Potter thing was really odd because he's got a reputation as being a really good detail driven coach and he's chosen bad jobs in his last two jobs, right? Now he's out of here now. He's going to do St. Kels overseas and that's quite an interesting looking job for him so maybe he can rebuild.

6:49But this isn't about Grand Potter. This is about West Ham. The Grand Potter mistake was having this really weird midfield blind spot where he would play two players with no legs in a midfield two and they got crucified week after week after week and nothing changed. And that leads you on to like the signings they make you've got to make exactly the transfer policy has been ridiculous the signings they make are just baffling they haven't really looked robust in any real way since Declan Rice left he was basically a one man spine it's not like they got a paltry sub for him no and they spent that money by bringing in Edson Alvarez in that position who is like a walking yellow card at his moments but now he's on loan at Fenerbahce despite them looking like they need a midfield player Calvin Phillips on loans another one they tried to get that's not yeah cheers they spent 30-ish million on a 28-year-old James Ward-Prowse who basically got no legs for the Premier League bizarre signing I mean Nudo doesn't want him in there the only they still spent that money around the same time 40 million on Max Killman 25 million on Crescensio Somerville loads of money on Nicholas Falkrug the only sign I mean you'd be here all day talking about it by the way the only real signings that have worked for them in recent years you'd say are probably Mohamed Koudous who's moved on for a lot of money and Aaron Wan-Bissaka probably the only ones you could point to Mateus Fernandes looks like he has a bit of potential I mean look at that Mads Hermanson signing the goalkeeper off from Leicester loads of money can't get into the team disastrous start so all in all I mean they look like a team who are flirting with every single kind of red flag that you can flirt with towards getting relegated from the Premier League this season it looks like they'll run out of track.

8:37I think that when we talk about the managers, when Moyes came in, he papered over a lot of cracks. Very experienced operator. Winning that trophy was incredible, don't get me wrong. But again, a Premier League team in the Europa Conference League will automatically be among the favourites just because of the spending power they have, whether they spend that wise or not. So there you go. Without taking any of the romance away from that, Moyes does a good job. And then we've already went through the managers. And I think that sometimes you think to yourself oh I can understand what the board are doing but the board are all over the shop the West Ham fans have been protesting protesting protesting we talk about Wolves about how bad they've been and it's almost been a systematic decline of bleeding out they've been selling off their best players and not getting them in whereas West Ham the transfer policy I don't know whether it's a scattergun I have no idea but it's piss poor and if you get these managers in and you either don't back them or you honestly I just don't it's so strange.

9:36When Nuno came available, I totally got why they went for him. You think, well, okay, he'll steady the ship and all that good stuff. It's not happening. And in a couple of months' time, if it hasn't changed, they're going to have to get rid of Nuno. And I know the fans will go, well, what's the point? If you want to save your Premier League status, if nothing has changed and I'll give him another couple of months, they'll have to twist again like they did last January. and the situation is just not changing. And I think Potter, maybe one or two people very hopefully thought, is he the guy? But the problem is the board.

10:11As you always say, Luke, the fish rots from the head and that's what's happening here. One or two West Ham fans have said to me, do you know what? Get relegated. You need something to change. It's almost cut your nose off to spite your face a little bit, but you've got to get relegated to show you can't keep trying to paper over these cracks. It is ridiculous. The old thing of you have to go all the way back down to come back up, if you see what I mean. Anyway, Peter. I think the squad that they've got at this moment in time would probably benefit from a spell down there. Just simply players like Magasa, Potts, and like you say, Mateus Fananis and stuff, they'd probably find a bit of a tune in that league and come back up.

10:52A bit of confidence as well. A bit of confidence as well. I mean, they're trying to sort of turn that kind of Bowen into that kind of Declan Rice, one-man sort of totemic footballer. but he simply can't do everything. People have to go if they go to the Championship. There's no way Bowen should be playing at the Championship. I mean, the fan relations are in the toilet with the owners. The owners sign players. I mean, they're just too close to the agents. By every spell. They've also got a 26-year-old grandson of the owner. Yeah. It's just a lot of that, really. It's just a lot of that stuff. And it's just they sign from agents that they are familiar with, let's say.

11:26And they sign footballers for managers. you know they sign footballers for a manager who plays a certain style and then that manager goes and then you're left with a footballer who doesn't really fit in with the next manager's style and also they've only just got bedded into the Premier League and you know you're looking at the how are you going to score goals in this league when your main striker is Wilson and he's a player at best who should be an impact sub he's just not physically up to the rigors off the back of Simon Nicholas Falkrug who's done absolutely nothing in that and their problem with strikers is obviously well documented.

12:00The rumours coming out of West Ham is that Nuno's found it really hard to make an impact. There's no togetherness in the squad. The example that was being used was when the young lad made the mistake against Fulham. Oh, Scarls. Holly Scarls. I felt so sorry for him. Yeah, and he was in floods. Obviously, being a Fulham fan, I was kind of glad that there was a mistake. Yeah, but he was in floods of tears. Oh, it was awful to see. And no one went over to him. Awful. Yeah, but that was scandalous. Genuinely awful to see that. And as Pete says, you know, that Oli Scarls these players they obviously they've been at West Ham for a while if they go down to the Championship they'll get more minutes you would you could never predict what will happen as Nottingham Forest fans and Leeds United fans know you never predict there's no way players like Matheus Fernandes are going to play in the Championship or Lucas Paquitar I mean even Jared Bowen it would be a signal for him Paquitar just slows the game down he's it's weird he's like a bit of a busted flush but he's only been in the Premier League for a couple of you know a few seasons he looks a very different footballer he had loads of time out the game because of this issue he's got a bit of a feeling about him that I think he no longer wants to be there, he's sending off against Liverpool was ridiculous at least there was a bit of fire was it Foneman City?

13:13maybe you were interested in him same price speaking of the discipline thing Crescensio Somerville got subbed off, went straight down the tunnel, didn't acknowledge the manager The situation is so bad there. That's what I mean. If Nuno can't get it round and those owners want to stay in the Premier League, through no... Well, obviously Nuno plays his part. He's a manager, so he can do something. And if he hasn't done it, then if he doesn't get a tune out of them, then he's ultimately failed. But I have sympathy for him going into that situation. I don't know. No idea. There was a dirty, dirty little rumour that I heard from a couple of Hammers fans.

13:53A couple of Irons. Yeah. that said apparently Harry Redknapp wanted to throw his hat on. Apparently so. You heard that, mate? I've heard that, yeah. There you go. The owners are, I'm going to use the word receptive. Oh, dear. 79 in March, Harry Redknapp. Get him while he's 78 then. Yeah, I mean, it's being reported. It is being reported. I've just, Reggie, as you mentioned that, I've not seen it. I tend to ignore anything of old Harry Redknapp. Jobs for the boys. Jobs for the fucking boys. Odd slashed on Harry Redknapp being sensationally appointed. Get him in before January. You want some new signings, do you?

14:29You want to talk to a couple of agents, do you? You know what I mean? Just say he might be able to help them out. It's the same picture. It's very Mike Ashley at this point in their history, I think, at West Ham. It's not good to see. Let's not forget the last time Harry Redknapp was in Baldwin Management was at Birmingham City, wasn't it? Was it? How long ago? 2017, that was. 2017? Yeah. He's a man. Look, he created Gareth Bale by his own hands. Could Uber Eats lend one of their managers? Who would that be? It's Allardyce. Poulis or Pardew? Pardew, yeah. Two of them have done it. Poulis, your turn.

15:05This is not going to... I feel we're being disrespectful to West Ham now, quite frankly. But it's bad. The answer is they're in a lot of trouble. Yeah, huge trouble. I think the other thing, just before we go to a break, that makes it really interesting is what Sunderland have done. Yes. Because now, for the first time in a couple of seasons... Or even Leeds. Yeah, but Sunderland aren't going to be able to go. No. So basically, the reality is there's going to be a non-promoted team relegated this season. And who wants to be the worst of the rest? True. And if it's West Ham, which it looks like it might be at the moment, they will be relegated.

15:31They're not going to get out of it because three promoter teams have been so much poorer. So you don't think Wolves are going to go down there? They probably will, yeah. So it could be two non-promoted teams. Could be two. Good point. I've actually wiped them from my mind. That's how shit they are. Yeah, indeed. All right. Coming up after this, some New Year's resolutions for football in 2026.

15:59We got a message from Andy on the Discord. Best on vibes, not stats. Who has been your player of 2025? Vibes rather than stats.

16:11It's funny, isn't it, when we get to the end of the year, when we do it on like, who's been over the year? I never do it on calendar year. No, it's got all year on season, hasn't it? It's got to be season, yeah. Because on calendar year, I might suggest, and you could have said this for a number of years, Decky Rice, Deckman Rice. Right. The free kicks against Real Madrid. Yeah. Come on. Okay, that's fair. And that's all I need. That's all I need. That's your vibe. That's your vibe. Free kick vibes. I think everyone now recognises him as one of the best midfielders in the world. Yeah. At the time of recording, okay, this is before, obviously, Villa have played Arsenal.

16:46At the time of recording, he's top of the league with Arsenal. yeah fair he's done well for England yeah true looking forward to the World Cup I think whatever happens even if Aston Villa beat Arsenal Arsenal will still be top because of the goal difference anyway well it depends what Man City do though yeah true true that's true so 2025 I might say Declan Rice but Luke you promised the listeners yesterday on the Football Ramble pod that you've done a top 5 best players on Vibes this season which I think is better so far halfway point of the season Who have you got? Start us off, presumably, Victor Djokeres.

17:22I'm going to point out as well, just to be a pedant about it, the man said you don't play to New Year's Day. Oh, of course. Yeah, so. Yeah, fair. You've embarrassed yourself there. Don't worry, I'll rescue it. Thank you. I've gone for top five players of the season so far on vibes only. Here we go. Now, if I've got this right, I won't have to explain any of this. I'll just say it and you'll all go, yeah. Well, this is how football used to be. Yeah, exactly. We didn't used to be able to watch it. every minute of every football match on Illegal Streaming. We didn't, we just had beautiful vibes and chats about footballers.

17:56Peter, after Luke's done his top five, I think we can all agree that we might well have our game back. Yeah. And I'd like to say that Pete's point about Illegal Streaming is a personal view and not a view of the Football Ramble. And not even my view, to be honest. Unless we're being sponsored by NordVPN again, in which case, carry on. Okay. So presumably Richarlison's not in there. Be honest with your responses. Yeah. If this works... You better have a certain someone in there, otherwise I'm kicking off. If this works, it'll be good. They're in no particular order. Yeah. Would you like them in alphabetical order?

18:24I can want them. Yeah, alphabetical order by surname. Okay. Top five. Why? I'm expecting my man to be fourth or fifth. Don't try and guess it. Don't try and guess it. Why not? For this to work, you both need to be honest with your responses, okay? Okay, okay. First player of the top five on vibes only. Alexander Azak.

18:45you won't stop until you've undermined the whole thing will you until I'm

18:51genuinely annoyed no I'm not annoyed go on go on first player Elliot Anderson yes yes okay yeah you're having that yeah England have you know you've got to say I just think on vibes that's how you get on the plane that's how you get on the plane and I'll tell you something that he's done bloody well considering that this season he's been managed by edge boss the upheaval yeah yeah so he's first that's a feeling that's what vibes are exactly Elliot Anderson number one yeah number two go on Dan Ballard oh yes definitely in the thick of everything yeah yeah yeah on vibes alone Dan Ballard is definitely the top five players so if I may with regard to the calendar year I would have said Dan Byrne maybe yeah you know League Cup goal final goal in England but anyway we're not talking about that you've got your top five number three Ryan Cherky of course It would have been criminal not to have him in there Yeah he's got to be in there He's a great vibes man You doing the vibes Pete?

19:48I'm loving the vibes You got that vibe Daniel Munoz Okay He's on my list He's my number one Do you know what Of 2025 Definitely Stop clouding it He's injured now Marcus He can't do anything Hang on he's injured currently He's injured currently You are right to say that and I'm saying it also to answer the question directly from Andy if Andy's going you're not answering my question directly you've done that bit already well I'm just saying there's another one for you Andy well I just think there's no way you can't put Daniel Munoz in there because he's essentially the player that's dominated one side of the pitch more than any other player this year oh yeah completely agree and the final one yeah come on say it you'll be happy with Marcus say it is Harry Wilson there he is there he is come on a late contender I'd like to think everyone listening to this if they're of sound mind oh yes will be thinking yeah I get all those you might have your own feel free to put your own in the comments Petey would you have Nick Voltemada in there?

20:46I would have Nick Voltemada I thought you might fair enough just because he lives in a men behaving badly sitcom at home and he's massive the journalists were trying to correct he's getting asked about his girlfriends he says that's why he's lack of girlfriends are you touching anyone at the moment Nick? yeah leave me alone Peter have you got any other vibes alone? to be honest I already had Moonars and Nick Voltemada maybe a little bit of Lewis Miley for the last few weeks? Nah. No, you can't have just a few weeks. Okay, alright. Okay, alright. Again, you could extrapolate this to 2025. So again, we've got Andy's happy and Luke's happy.

21:22Morgan Rogers. Yeah. It's got to have a villain. Unai Emery. Yeah, Unai Emery is the manager on vibes. Yeah. No, is he? Who else could be? Pep's vibes are good. They are quite good at the moment, yeah. They are quite good, yeah. I would say. Who else could be? Ruben and Ruben. even though they're doing better if you like listen to My Chemical Romance Ruben Amarin's definitely in there isn't he which I know Pete does although teenagers don't scare Amarin presumably as much as they scare My Chemical Romance if I was going to go this might come up on a question in a minute I don't think the Keith Andrews vibes are too bad I think they're not well Tiago there's a few there but I think Dan Ballard is a big one and Granit Xhaka as well would be another Granit Xhaka was very close The only reason I didn't put Xhaka in is I didn't want two from one club.

22:09What about Dewsbury Hall? Everton's Dewsbury Hall. Not quite enough. Yeah, okay. Not quite enough. Rob Edwards? Do we mention DCL? DCL, nice. Is he a late contender? I think it's too late. Disney Cruise Line? I think it's a little bit too late. He's just scoring goals, though. It's not the same. Yeah. He's just scoring goals. He's just scoring goals. No, but this is not about goals. This is not about goals. This is about vibes, Mark. It is about vibes. You well know. Can we do bad vibes in the next male? Yeah, why not? To be fair, I think we've just had... Had he gone right in there. Yeah, I think we've just had a few of them.

22:42I think DCL would be... I think the vibes are very good. I know that you've got the goals, but it's just, it's not enough. Well, he looks great. He looks great. He's a smiley lad now. He's playing again. He's been very unlucky with injuries. You've got to be very happy for him, for sure. That in itself brings a vibe. Yeah. A happiness vibe, doesn't it? Yeah. Anyone from Tottenham Hotspur? Absolutely not. No. Well, actually, great. you've got a first goal for the club is that it Son left is that it best I can do when Son came back to watch them oh yeah a little wave didn't he a little wave a little wave alright let's move on what about this one Rhys James is another one what about this one from Luca on Instagram here we go he asks what are your New Year's resolutions for football in 2026 World Cup glory yeah a bit of World Cup glory a little daft of World Cup glory a little bit of World Cup glory I think I was missing a bit of World Cup glory.

23:34That'll do me. He's got World Cup glory and life's a different story. Oh dear. I will not have any blur on this show thank you very much. Settle it up. Yeah, it's an oasis year still. Exactly. That's every year for me. New Year's resolutions for football in 2026. Oh, let's make VAR a bit more efficient. Yeah, that would be nice. Pete, what was your resolution? My resolution was to stop buying beef, but that's unrelated to football. And also I was going to learn a Derby Premier. But in the world of football, I've got unfinished business with the French police, so I'm going to watch PSG Newcastle in a couple of weeks' time.

24:17And I'm going to become a hooligan. I'm going to become a big hooligan. I can see that in your character arc, actually. I'm going to get some... Pete will become a hooligan for about a week. He'll get filled in. No, thanks. No more. Thank you very much. You know what I'm like, I'll just try anything once. Two years ago at this time, I was processing my own black and white photography. Where have those chemicals gone? They've been thrown down the sink. Do you know what, Peter? It wouldn't shock me, though, if Pete wanted to really stick it up him. He'd turn up in a panzer. Yeah, I could see that.

24:47Right, okay, nice. That he's bought off eBay. Yeah, he's 3D printed a panzer. Yeah, he's there a couple of days ahead of schedule. He didn't think I'd get here this quick, did he? As his partner said, if he's 3D printed a panzer again, that's out of order. what's the clothes the hooligans all wear in my mind CP companies Stone Island Stone Island I was thinking Marble Madness for some reason that's not Marble Madness Marble Madness all the fans all the hooligans are wearing that they're always wearing Marble Madness clothes get the Marble Madness badge in Marble Madness what is Marble Madness it's an old special game it's an arcade game it's a Marvel it's a 1984 arcade game it's a trackball based arcade game Published by Atari Games.

25:30Here he comes. There he goes. Marble Madness, Donaldson. My news resolution is boring off the back of all that. It's just to go and watch a bit more non-league football. Right. I went on Boxing Day, as I said. You did, yes. The Boxing Day game was just sensational. Right? So Gosport Borough played at home the same day that Portsmouth played at home, which is really rare. Yeah. Because they were playing against Havent and Waterloo. It was a big derby. Yeah. You remember Havent and Waterloo. Did they get Liverpool in the Cup? Ooh, I can't remember. A number of years ago. We should check that. let me double check that because it was I think I'm pretty sure that didn't they go a goal ahead or something they did they did they went to they lost 5-2 to Liverpool in 2008 that makes sense yeah anyway so Gosport played haven't now Gosport are at the time of the game were fit in the league now in the southern premier the first team goes up automatically the next four have a playoff and you go into National League South so Gosport are doing quite well they're in fifth right they play over who aren't a very good side they're in the bottom half they've not been very good and like no joke boxing day big derby biggest attendance of the season for Gosport 1500 fans in 8 minutes in the referee sends off a Gosport Borough defender for what was quite a rudimentary foul everyone was stunned Gosport go on to lose the game 4-0 they should have lost by more they haven't had the ball in the back of the net it was disallowed 5-0 at home they lost one of their players got sent off after the final whistle that's fair right when the referee went down the tunnel at half time there was a bloke there who was clearly with his younger son young son and daughter what player?

27:18no just a fan alright and he's obviously it's very close in because it's not a very big thing and he's leaning over the stand to the tunnel there's a referee he's walking off he's just going clown clown clown show clown show because he can't say anything stronger than that because his kids are there fair play to him for not saying anything stronger than that but it was such a great experience I love going to watch Peckham Town I love going to watch Gospel Bar I need to go and watch it more often yeah by the way when I said fair play to him for not saying anything stronger he's still shouting clown at another man the ref was a clown was he yeah with the face paint and all other people shouting to the few haven't fans that were there did you bring this ref with you all this kind of stuff yeah so I want to go and watch more non-league football because it's always a great experience.

27:57Well, take us with you. Yeah, why not? There we go, Peter. Why not? There we are. Coming up after this, we've got pissing on the centre circle and Pete's shacking up with Daniel Farker.

28:10Welcome back to Football Ramble, everybody. Now, next question. This is from ShagasaurusRex on Discord. That isn't Marcus' alter ego or Marcus' dad's looking. I don't know what it is. if the Ramblers had to be had to be in a romantic relationship with any manager who would it be and why? Pete good question go to Pete first of all textbook yeah well do you remember that Harry Redknapp was helping out Jilly Cooper with some erotic fiction was he? I don't remember that I feel like I should remember it I believe so he was yeah he was he turned his hand to writing erotic novels with Jilly Cooper I think Jilly Cooper was writing about a football team and Harry Ednett was of course helping her with a bit of Oh this is back in 2018 apparently yeah yeah apparently so with the late great Jilly Cooper so I think probably saw off dealing with him every day we said goodbye to him a couple of months ago at the age of 88 Jilly Cooper we did indeed so for who exactly for Jilly Cooper for Jilly Cooper go on say something outrageous about Jilly Cooper go on go on say something about her bodice rippers grop peddler

29:26that 83 year old grot peddler what do they call their books it's not bodice rippers is it it's something else is it not bodice rippers is it like a point sexy you carry on I'll remember in a minute but Marcus would you I just think he's an old I just have Harry Redknapp he's an older man he's clearly versed with erotic oh well you have to be alright I have to be currently working in the football All right, all right. Pick Redknapp, give you a reason. Because he might be back at West Ham by the end of the week. Exactly. He might be by the time we're talking about this. All right, so you'd like to give Harry Redknapp one.

30:02Okay. Yeah, well, not in those kind of words and certainly not the sort of words that Jilly Cooper would have chosen, Marcus. But yes, I would like to have sex with Harry Redknapp. Jilly Cooper skirting around the issue, I feel. Bonkbusters, they're called. Bonkbusters. Like a blockbuster, is that? Yeah. A bonkbuster. Speller's gone. Trevely's gone he's been bunk busted and that's bunk busters you said I was pleased about whatever it was earlier you were very pleased I'll be honest with you I was listening to none of that from Pete I was googling it he was talking about shagging Redknapp right what would Sandra say about that any of them any of them and have any of the Redknapps they're all stunners yeah get your sketches on get your sketches on you could create Harry Redknapp completely Billy Bollocks everything hanging out just in sketches thank you very much In front of a roaring fire, oiled up.

30:54You could create your own... Like women in love. You could create your own bonk buster. Exactly. Luke? Oh, good. I'm going to have to go for Keith Andrews. Right. Handsome man. Same age as me. Age appropriate. In fact, a week older than me. Yeah. Born the 13th September 1980. Yeah. Seems like a very nice man. Very handsome. Great hairline like mine, if I may be so bold. Okay. Both got quite curly hair. I think we'd get on well. He looks a bit like Screech. Yeah, but a much more handsome version of Screech. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But still, though. So you've got to like that. And also, I wouldn't mind just annoying Martin O 'Neill.

31:25Yeah. Would you think he would join in? I just can imagine him just complaining to the local council about me and Keith not putting our bins out on the right day. Being too noisy. Yeah, being too noisy. Yeah, not like that. Maybe like that. Maybe like that. Who knows? He looks like one of the Wiggles. He does appear. Keith Andrews. He does appear. This is one of the Wiggles who looks like him. I'd write a bonk buster with Keith Andrews. Yeah. Lovely bum chin. Yeah. A Kirk Douglas-esque bum chin like yourself, Peter. famously the bum-chim man of the Ramble got Arlene Green instead of the wrong player so I've gone Keith Andrews what about you Peter what about you Marcus sorry Fabian Herzler no I would go for too young I know I know Daniel Farker's voice I think could Daniel Farker you watch your porn all day and eating sausages you wouldn't be getting he'd be pissed off at you for not eating sauerkraut because you wouldn't eat that I had to say Farker because it was in the line leading into the break oh fair enough do you know what I like you know you've heard the thing about love languages yeah I have yeah what's your love language I quite like all of them the England football team there you go I would quite I quite like to encourage people and I quite appreciate words of encouragement so I think I think Pep Guardiola too weird okay yeah you'd be in trouble for not having the you know the cupboards in order and teams in the right Jürgen Klopp Jürgen Klopp not a manager in England anymore yeah but he'd be he had an erotic experience once didn't he remember that translator that male translator had a very sexy voice he was like hello Mr oh yeah and he went I'm sorry it's too erotic congratulations on your erotic voice Jürgen Klopp also misheard the word brain fart for brain fuck didn't he once he kept saying brain fuck and the press office at Liverpool had to say to him please stop saying that it's not brain fuck so who are you going for similar vibes I think I would go for Klopp because I think whenever he came home you wake up in the middle of the night yeah you always know where he is but I think when he comes home when he comes home I come home with a big bear hug lovely bear yeah lovely I mean you could get that without being in a romantic relationship with him though yeah so even if we just became friends we'd still be there he's very liberal with his bear hug after 90 minutes of sheer lovemaking with Pep Guardiola Marcus he would be like knocking on other people's doors to remonstrate or possibly like sort of tap up other footballers slash nivis.

33:50The problem with Guardiola though, Peter, is... He's weighing you after it. Well, there's that, but also if you did want to have a bit of hanky-panky, the trouble is he rotates too much. I'd be like, who are you? Yeah. You know. Exactly. But famously, he doesn't watch himself back recently. Peter, what do you think about Marcus using the phrase hanky-panky? It's very tabloid and exactly as I'd expect. It's very bonk-buster, isn't it? Bonk-buster. Anyway, let's move on. Oh, dear. Go on, Luke. Let's leave this romp behind. Appreciate that. Thanks, Shagasaurus Rex. Again, you can ask us anything on this show.

34:23The great thing about Shagasaurus Rex is that obviously he's playing on Tyrannosaurus Rex. Is he? And Rex means king. So Tyrannosaurus Rex was named that because it was the king of the dinosaurs at the time. Of course, I see. He's not only a Shagasaurus, he's the king of the Shagasaurus. Nice to see. Lovely. Aidan, the far more appropriately named Aidan, a Newcastle fan, has been in touch. And he says, Hi, guys. I was at Marseille for Newcastle's recent Champions League game and got the attached photo taken with who I initially thought was Pete Donaldson. Right, I'm looking at the photo. Yeah.

34:56It is Pete. Yeah. I've put it where I am. You should be able to see it if you watch it on YouTube, but it's basically three men. He says, this is where it gets a bit confusing. We are going to need you to explain this because you went to Marseille to watch Newcastle on your own, didn't you, Peter? Yes, yes. And Aidan says, when we were taking the photo, the mustachioed man who of course is you picked up said I thought I recognised you in what sounded like a Cockney accent to me which made me question whether it actually was Pete Donaldson especially if I don't believe he'd recognise me as we've never met before it's just a confusing encounter so you I think two things I thought I recognised you yeah exactly so two things there I mean speaking in years resolutions look at that gut yeah let's say that off I would say that I would say that when I am You're going to see an old Ladies' Building Society book.

35:44When I am nervous, I am overconfident that I've met people before. We've clearly met before, because if I say we haven't met before, this is going to be embarrassing. If I say, pleased to meet you, and I've already met you before, that's going to be a problem. So I do sometimes overcomplicate things. You're going to say great to see you. Why are you so nervous? I'm panicking when I'm just a nervous guy. Pretty small talk is legendary. Furtive. Legendary. Why? You're famous because... Sorry, you're famous. you're nervous because someone has recognised you. And you think that... No, just talking to anybody.

36:15Any interaction I have with someone in the post office, someone in the bank, it's just all, you know, trying to... So let's plot this out from Aidan's experience. Yeah. So he's watching his team in Marseille. He knows you'll go in there because you talked about it on the Ramble and he's a listener. He walks over to you to get a photo. Knowing that a lot of people look like Pete, though. I've just bought my four pints of lager that I'm going to drink over myself. You've got four pints of lager on your own. Yeah, probably gloss over that for now. Legend. You've said to him in a Cockney accent, I thought I recognised you, even though there's no context for that, and you're not a Cockney, and therefore Aidan is completely unsure about whether it's you or not, and the photo clearly shows that it is you.

36:55Yeah, it sounds like I've managed this plausible deniability. It sounds like an episode of fucking Black Mirror to me. But why the Cockney accent, Peter? Because I was nervous. I'm nervous meeting you, Peter. I'll talk like this when I'm a bit nervous. Right. Hello. Yeah. Yeah. So if you were up in court again, is that how you would approach it? Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, sir. I'm sorry I did what I did. Me lad. Me lad. What have you done in that scenario? Well, I've stolen a woman's banking card. I've married a 15-year-old wife in Lincoln. I've married a 15-year-old. That was yesterday, sure, when I was joking about marrying a 15-year-old.

37:28I'm happily married to the job. There are other reasons why that was inappropriate. Oh, dear. So, Aidan, it was Peter. yeah it was me I hope you enjoyed that terrible football match I hope you enjoyed queuing for an hour to get a beer standing in piss and then getting beaten up by the French police it really was a night for the ages you knew it was Pete because he had his marble madness jump from exactly yeah and you'll know it's him again for PSG because he will get his own back on on the French police in his panzer oh yeah by the way Andy Brasso can definitely get you in the press box at PSG they're crying out for people to get in there so don't worry about sitting with the normal fans if you're going to start doing your Cockney accent again He might not be able to keep the Cockney Hudson up all game.

38:10We've got a message, Marcus, on Instagram. Andy has got in touch. Speaking of Pissgate, with an exclamation mark. Are we talking about Pissgate? What's that? What's Pissgate? I think we've been talking about pissing and stuff. Pissgate, right. I remember Barry Fry. Oh, there's a Barry Fry thing. Oh, OK, nice. Me and my mate Ingo are walking home from Nottingham on New Year's Day 2000 to Radcliffe, where we both live. We are both Forest fans. We both walked onto the pitch at Meadow Lane, as you could do back then, because for some reason they just left the gates open and we both proceeded to take a piss on the centre circle.

38:40Have that millennium bug. What a story. Millennium bug. You said 2000, didn't you? New Year's Day 2000, Peter. Yes, nice. What a way to start a new millennium. Yeah, that's nowhere to start, is it really? Good God. I mean, Notts County and Nottingham Forest are notoriously close together, aren't they? They are. Separated by the river. They've done well to navigate the river, yeah. Can you tell me the only two clubs in Britain that are closer? Of course I can. Winston Churchill's old stomping ground. Dundee and Dundee United. That's right. Yeah, so they could have taken a piss at Forrest as well, although they're Forrest fans somewhere, they wouldn't have done that.

39:14You know the closest ones in Europe though now? What are they? Malmö. Oh, is it? They changed the stadium, yeah, so it's not Dundee and Dundee United anymore. Right. Interesting. Yeah, they wanted that record. It's not really sure what to do with the piss story. Pete, you got anything on that? I mean... Have you ever pissed in them? Marcus, you pissed with someone in the Middlesbrough game once you pissed with someone? I was at Wembley Wembley was it in the toilets yeah we shared a bowl yeah I'm always certainly when you start going to watch football you're very surprised about how they do have to leave gates open sometimes so like you can walk from the outside like not into where other people sort of stand and stuff you can't just walk through because they've got to get like you know ambulances and trucks and buses and stuff into these big stadiums and stuff and I know obviously Meadow Lane isn't a big stadium it wasn't a big stadium back then but like you do It does need access.

40:03You do need access and you do occasionally to leave the gate open. Not 24-7 though, Peter. At Fratton Park, I don't know if they still do this, but at Fratton Park they used to open the big exit gates about 10 minutes before the end of the game to help with people leaving, obviously. And there would be loads of kids, loads of kids waiting for us to go in. They would just walk straight in and watch the last 10 minutes for free. Which I quite like. I do like that as well. Because it gives them an experience of Pompey. I always think that this is getting off topic. Like if you get someone's tickets at Wimbledon, you can go and watch the end of the tennis.

40:34Not so interested in that. Brasso used to go in at Wimbledon's old ground, which is now their ground play alone, but back in the day, he said you could just go on there and play football. Nobody stopped. Nobody stopped. I don't know why more clubs... I wonder why that club went to ruin for a bit. Sometimes you'll see like a club, for some reason, Wigan Athletics bring to mind. Don't ever seem to sell the stadium. No, I know what you mean. And I don't know why they're just not given those tickets to local schools. Look, I never understand. Because the investment is so obvious. It's an empty seat anyway.

41:00I couldn't agree more. Then they can all take a piss. Imagine 50 primary school kids taking a piss on the stands. Look, look, look. Football's entertainment. It's true. Can't give it for free. Yeah. On behalf of certain people in America, particularly Alexi Lalas for some fucking stupid reason. Yeah, he's gone mad. He's gone mad. They are proud of this. You can never see him coming. It's always the ones you least... I mean, that's been coming for some time, to be fair. It's not even you least expect. But you just sort of go, why? What are you? Okay, sorry. Run that by me again, FIFA, so that the tickets are how much?

41:29Well, of course they are. It's supply and demand. Why are you Why are you Why are you Every single turkey Is voting for Christmas My favourite My favourite thing About Alexey Lalas I think I'm right in saying His little beard I like your little beard No Is that he has One of his takes Has been that The US men's national team Has struggled Because of diversity And then at one point Also criticised The US women's national team For being too woke Amazing They won the World Cup Yep No No They're too woke The men's team are shit It's too diverse So what you're saying, Alexi, is you want a smaller pool to choose from?

42:04Yeah. Right, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your finest hour. Who won that tournament in 1984 in Brazil? You know. I don't understand. He's a better end. He's a better end. Evidently so. Evidently so. Right, there we go, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Football Ramble, part of the ACAST Creator Network. Please do send us your responses, opinions, and questions for next week's mailbag. And become a friend of the Ramble to join the conversation on our Discord. And of course, we'll be back tomorrow to talk about all those Premier League games that are happening tonight. And maybe one or two that are happening on Thursday.

42:39See you soon.