My Biddy Aunt: Christmas Special!

0:04It's one of those games that's quite difficult to explain, but you'll get it as soon as you start hearing it. Merry Christmas everybody Welcome to the Football Ramble It's my biddy aunt I'm Marcus Speller I'm Luke Moore And I'm Christmas Pete Donaldson A woofer

0:33It's Christmas! Pretty good I was trying to mimic Noddy Holder. I was nodding. Right. Holder. I see. I see. Well, Pete got the message. Give me some reverb T-Pain for crying out loud. Unbelievable. Producer T-Pain. Producer T-Pain. In the lab. In the lab. Very nice. It only works on your mic. I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying it. Here we go. It's Chris. That's a robot. That's a robot T-Pain. It's Christmas. That'll do. What a great Noddy Holder. You're getting known for that these days. I know. Well, every 365 days, I would say. Peter, you're going to be uncomfortable with me saying this, and Marcus will back me up here.

1:11You are genuinely good at that. I'm losing my high register, so I'm always surprised I can do it. The old Robert Plant. I can't. Is that right? Did he lose his right? Well, I think a lot of singers, when they get to send out, they have to take the songs down a step or half a step or whatever. I think you're so good at it, you're going to start getting booked. Yeah, I do too. As a nutty holder. There you are. Hopefully set it off. Merry Christmas, everybody. Yeah, absolutely. I can't agree with that more. Yeah. Marcus, I've written a Christmas poem. Far away. Oh, good. It's time to put our differences aside, to have a drink and have a think about the Lord God Jesus beside the fireside.

1:47Christmas biscuits and lemonade chimneys and packaging and eggnog and walking and dancing and tinsel and baubles and snowdrifts and chest pains and crying and turkey and ho-ho-hos and canes and logs and gravy. More of a list than a poem. But I liked it, though. Was Jesus by a fireside? Is that part of the nativity? Merry Christmas everybody And a happy Christmas Festive snow covered My biddy aunt Firstly We're not having a belt And if it was a belt It would be Santa's big fat belt Yeah We can't out belt him What about a Christmas cup? A Christmas cup We're having a Christmas cup Sticks some eggnog in it Sticks some eggnog in it We're having a My biddy aunt Christmas cup For your Christmas Go down on Christmas day Deep in Yeah It is Christmas day Can we get a biddy A little biddy biddy I mean you could just do one Biddy Biddy There we go Little Christmas Biddy Ding dong This is going out on Christmas Day Is it?

2:38It is That's lovely to people You can go out for a walk Today is Christmas Day We've come into the studio Oh yeah Sorry yeah Because I was just thinking No one's going to listen on Christmas Day It's actually currently It's July When we recorded this It is When your family Are annoying you You can pop outside Pretend you take the dog for a walk Listen to a little bit of Christmas My Biddy Aunt I haven't even got a dog That'd be mad Do you want to get the cup off the shelf. No, that's the season championship. Oh. What are you talking about? T-Pain left me a message in the shared Google Docs. T-Pain.

3:10That is ideas way above all that is honest and holy at this time of year. I'm sorry. Yeah, you should be sorry. It could be a cup, a metaphorical cup. An invisible cup. An invisible cup. Exactly. Not the ones at Spurzer. Oh, no, they won the Europa League. Our contestants on this fine festive day of joy and sadness and stuff ever after. It's Luke versus Marcus. Oh, right, yeah. Let's get this done because I want to watch the King's speech. If you don't know the rules, they're really simple. Each festive round, I'll name a footballer. One of you will bid how many clubs you can name. Your opponent can then raise the bid or challenge you to list them.

3:47Only professional clubs count. No developmentals, please. And the player must have made a competitive appearance for that team. Cool. If you fail to meet your bid, your opponent scores. First to three points wins. Today's theme... It's going to be Christmas. surely. Well, you'd think so, wouldn't you? Kind of. It's Boxing Day Classics. Oh, God. Stuff what's happened. It's not going to be the games, is it? The teams. Stuff what's happened on a Boxing Day. Right. Okay. Boxing Day Classics. Marcus, neither of us are going to merge out of this for any credit whatsoever. Yeah. You want to work together?

4:18Should we work together? Against a common enemy. T-Pain and D. We've said, we've said, Marcus and I particularly, we have said, the worst rounds in this game are the ones where you say, this game happened, name the players. Right. Is this what this is going to be? It's not going to be that. Oh, good. Well, it's not the first round anyway. It's not Jack's encyclopedia, remember? So you're not going to have first 11s and all that kind of stuff. Oh, yeah, true. That's fine then. You're fine. You're backing on board. Luke, I'm always criticised for not letting you go first. By who? You saw Marcus has gone first.

4:45No, Luke is going first. Oh, come on. To give your bids. How can you complain about that? You get it so easy. Because you... I don't get it so easy from him. You get into him. You manipulate him. And then when it comes down to the gig... It never happens. master manipulator. I'm always the one who has to go last even though you have the belt, you know, the man with the belt. Anyway, I respect the referee's decision. Guys, stop arguing. It's Christmas. You make a nan cry. I might not respect the referee, but it's his decision. Not politics. We're going to argue about what we're going to watch on telly today.

5:10Get the TV times out. I want to play Jackson Cyclopédia. Marcus, after we've done this because it's Christmas, do you want to go and sit in the living room and have a cuddle with our tops off and watch TV? Tops on and numbing. We'll talk about that a bit later. I've just got my new jumper I've got a New England kit to wear Luke Luke It's Jimmy Bullard Six clubs Jimmy Bullard I feel like it was a bit more of a journeyman But clearly not Bullard Bullard Bullard This is not starting well for me Jimmy to the B This is tough. I'll go four. I can do four, I think. I think that might be the sweet spot.

5:57Yeah. Four, I think. Jimmy Bullard. I have to go five. Yeah. I can't let him do four. It's a strong start. Yes. I can't. He's full of Christmas liqueurs. He's gone for it. Marcus, you are quite simply asking me to name every football club Jimmy Bullard play for on Christmas Day. Yeah. And that is not accepted. It's not cricket. So I refuse to spend my Christmas Day doing that. We knew he was going to do it. Yeah. We knew he was going to do it. I've definitely got four. I knew you'd have four. Name your five. I'm fairly comfortable. So I'll go with the ones I'm definitely sure of, which is three.

6:28So we'll have... Oh, we're all ready. Sorry, whoops. So that's one. Just testing me buttons. That's one. Everybody heard that. So obviously Fulham. Yep. Hull City. Yes. He famously did his little intro walk to the camera with his shorts up high. Wigan. That's three. That's three. Now I think I'm sort of reasonably Peterborough Oh they're the four I had So that's the four you had I thought you'd probably Have them four You got two Two left One club you play for twice Oh come on They don't even fucking clues This is a key part of the game This is so annoying For some reason I've got that tickle You know what it's like A tickle can be trusted A tickle can be We've all felt that little My buddy aunt tickle mate The NBA tickle For some reason I've got a tickle for West Ham United.

7:20I can see where you're going with that, Marcus. But you fucked it. Don't tell me it was Millwall. He signed for West Ham but he never made an appearance for them. What were the other two clubs? Well, I'll start at the start. He started as Great Corinthian, Dartford, Graves and North Fleet, now known as Epswich United. They're all amateur clubs. He played for Epswich Town twice. Once on lawn, then he signed permanently, I believe. And then MK Donnells in 2012. I didn't know that. Oh, that's so annoying. So he did sign for West Ham. So it was... Ah, okay. Obviously... It wasn't a terrible tickle, but ultimately it was wrong.

7:53Obviously we're talking about Jimmy Ballard because on Boxing Day in 2008 when Hull played Manchester City, Ballard scored a penalty and celebrated by getting his teammates in the circle and imitating Phil Brown's team talker. Definitely not a League Cup appearance from West Ham. He skirts that line between entertaining ex-pro and actually quite a tedious man, doesn't he? I love watching his drills. I know you do. I've got no problem with Bullard I'm sure he's a good lad He managed Leatherhead for a bit Would he put you in the team? Kindred spirits? Not at that age, no Marcus only ever played for the mushrooms The reserves They're just in the dark all the time We were magic Alright, 1-0 more That's the salient point here 1-0 to more Yeah It's the most wonderful time of the year I ate Christmas Yeah I ate Christmas Inviting Uncle Luke around Yeah we're doing Uncle Felicius We're doing Trivial Pursuit Right Marcus Yep Round number two Go on Five clubs He of The kick overhead Trevor Sinclair That's not a Guess Not a Tip How many clubs?

9:08Five Five Okay Interesting A Trevi Fountain of Clubs Oh my goodness Interesting It's not an ideal time for my mind to go blank. No, not really. No, I wouldn't have thought so, no. Oh, this is frustrating because I know Luke's confident on this one. I am fairly confident. Look at his little grin. It's the moustache that makes it worse if you don't understand. Yeah, no, it's fine. Yeah, I'm used to the treatment piece. There to be shot at. When you're the Floyd Mayweather Jr. of my buddy aunt and Jackson's Cyclopedia. We need a number out of him, though, surely. Yeah, come on, Marcus. Let's go pick four.

9:42Oh, fuck, really? Whoa, that's just, You only know like You know all apart from one Yeah Come on then look at Mo If you had the S-eating G That you had earlier on There's no way I'll go five There's no way You're not going five I can't do five Right Can I? Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Come on I went big on Bullard I'll give you a little bit of time You lost I was very unlucky You lost Very unlucky Yeah No you can do your four Shall I do my four? Yeah do your four Okay I'll do my four I'll tell you why I'll tell you why Go on then Because I've definitely got three Right And I think I've got four five is very very tough and I don't think there's much chance of me getting this there's no point it doesn't make sense tactically to go for it so you do your four okay he may have caught my bluff here let's go for the ones I know QPR Manchester City yeah that's correct yep suddenly I'm like oh hang on I'm like oh this could I'm having a Christmas meltdown why'd you go so big why don't you just let me do it West Ham correct that's what I had The three definitely I had So I was reasonably Confident with those three This one for the round Yeah it's for the point So it's big Something tells me He played for Fulham No No No Why did I think that He finished his career Played for both Lancaster City and Squires Get to Unprofessional clubs Just in their condom I know So who were the clubs That I missed Blackpool Early on Early doors And Cardiff City For a year it was only a year it was only a kiss it was only a kiss yeah alright I'm struggling here 2-0 down we did Trevor Sinclair because on Boxing Day in 2001 he obviously scored his acrobatic scissor kick goal against Derby County in a 4-0 win at Upton Park enjoy it enjoy it because his great QPR overhead kick was in the FA Cup yes that would have been in January FA Cup yeah true he can't keep getting away with it as they say

11:46Right, Lukey Moore. Yeah. Let's have a bid for Javier Chikorito, Little P. Hernandez. How many clubs, please? Seven. Seven clubs. This is tough. Hasn't he gone a bit right-wing, old Little P? Yeah, he's gone a bit sexist, I think. All right. Yeah. Oh, God. Videos. This is seven, you reckon? That is tough. I'm too lulled up but I'm not complacent I've got no cause to be complacent when I try and think of Javier Hernandez clubs

12:21I'll go four four yeah okay right that's quite low Marcus I think there's an opening I don't think it is low I think there's an opening I think it's harder than it looks this I think if he goes five he deserves the point yeah let's go five come on then but will I go six will you go six let's go five because I know he's got four I know how Luke plays this game fucking five is hard I don't know why I've gone five it's failed me this aggressive approach has not served me well I'm not going to try six I think I've got four five would be a push for me I can't get near six so Marcus name your five please okay I'm doing a Lars Sivetson here so I know and I've definitely got four and the fifth one is yeah okay Manchester United oh controversial Real Madrid Real Madrid yes by Leverkusen oh very good nice West Ham yeah lovely now this is where it's like come on I didn't have Leverkusen well done so presumably you had his Mexico side Mexican side maybe I did maybe I didn't we know he had bloody played in Mexico Marcus Feliz Navidad yeah okay so it's getting Guadalajara oh it's right I think it's right that is sexy right on mate that's a lovely bit of work You're back in it.

13:39So what is the... Is that Guadalajara, Chivas Guadalajara? I don't know. Or Les Chivas, a different size? You said Guadalajara. You said Guadalajara. Give us the others. He played for Sevilla. Okay. I knew there was a Spanish club. I couldn't bloody remember. Any guesses on his MLS side? Galaxy, wasn't it? LA Galaxy. Yeah, that's right. So the Spanish club I couldn't get. Right. So you could have had six out of seven, but well done, Marcus. Yeah, Galaxy, you mentioned that. I could have had six. A lovely Christmas Day performance. Yes, one of the little P's most iconic moments in the Man United shirt was on the Boxing Day of 2012 where he scored a last minute winner against Newcastle United to win the game for three.

14:20All right. There you go. 2-1 then. Avoided the whitewash. Well done, mate. You've got to take the little ones when you get them. He's still in this, mate. You can win this, isn't he? I know. I think you're all going to win it, Luke. Oh, he suits me. Be bold. I'm sure it will. It's a time for gifts, isn't it? It is. I've given him two. Yeah, exactly. Marcus? Yes. Round number four. Eight clubs. Henrik Mkhitaryan. It's a toffee. It's a toffee. It's a bloody toffee. Oh, Gordon. I think recency bias would help you out there, but with somebody like Mkhitaryan, you're like, fuck off. It's a massive benefit going first here.

14:58Yeah, I agree. Massive benefit. Be bold. Be bold, Marcus. Marcus Terrian. Is it a benefit going? I think it is I'm actually fairly confident on this one Shit This isn't too bad Come on Oh this is so annoying

15:23Come on No let me have more time I've just got to check something In another room Can I get one Google? Yeah one Google per Phone a friend I go, yeah Pete's been on the booze all day at Christmas Day that's why he's being lenient on the time you're getting to do these numbers Yeah, no, I like it when you're lenient, Peter Just walking up Christmas nap Just woken up Very kind of you It's the grimacing I can't stand Four Four? Ooh That's alright That's alright I don't think that'll be good enough I'll go five I knew he'd go five Ooh I haven't named any yet Yeah Were you going to go six, Marcus? I mean, if you can do six because it's very impressive.

16:03You deserve two. It's so frustrating. See, this is the annoying thing. I knew... Go on then. Get Luke to name his five so he could win it on his own terms. Okay, so I've got four. The fifth is a gamble. So that's basically what I had. That's the position you're in. But I was confident with Chicharito. And the other two as you saw what happened. Okay, so you ready, Pete? Yep. Okay, Manchester United. Borussia Dortmund. he's at Inter at the moment he's played for Arsenal and the fifth one is Roma oh no it was the German side I couldn't get I knew I knew that that was quite straightforward so those four I had and I couldn't think of the bastard Bundesliga side he's quite famous at Dortmund I know as soon as you said I thought of course Do you know that the real pitfall with Mkhitaryan is Liverpool?

17:03Right. I think he came quite close to sign for Liverpool. Did he play in Turkey? He played for... No, he didn't play in Turkey. So my one... His other three. His other three, I mean, you might have gotten Shakhtar Donetsk. You probably wouldn't have got Metzler Donetsk. And you definitely probably wouldn't have got the Armenian side, Punic. No, I wouldn't have done that. It's so annoying. It was the German side that I struggled with. Shall we see if Marcus can make it respectable? the Christmas cup is mine I'll be filling it full of eggnog then once I've downed that I'm going to fill it full of Christmas sherry snowballs yeah yeah snowballs but before we move on I'll remind you Luke that I'm actually the host of this show and I mention this player of course because it was boxing kit in 2016 when Mkhitaryan scored what he still calls the best goal of his career against Sunderland when he played for Manchester United in an improvised scorpion kick which was the third goal in a 3-1 win for Jose Munoz's side shall we have a little bonus round for Christmas come on then give me a bonus it's about overindulgent Christmas isn't it it's the fifth one right so we always do yeah we always do would you be more happier with three two than four ones I'm disappointed either way but you know it all goes towards the league table for Jimmy to the B's sake true so I'll be happy with three two alright okay let's start with the Moor and let's start with a man who's played for seven professional football clubs Jordan IU Jordan O 'Reilly Jordan O 'Reilly the pressure's off thankfully Jordan O 'Reilly goodness me that is not an easy one is it son of Abidi Pele of course yes the great Abidi Pele I'll go three you would wouldn't you good goals three now he's won he's just been reserved and not very bald and not very brave.

18:59And I can name three so I thought I'd go three. I'll go four then. All right. Name them. Right. Name them. Give me a shout, it's Christmas. Name them. Marcus, it's Christmas. It is Christmas. There's no need to be afraid. No, absolutely not. Okay. Crystal Palace. You'll be surprised to hear that I had that one. Swansea City? Yeah, and that one. Yes. Sorry, tinsel. So I was only really sure of those two, if I'm honest. Lovely. Sunderland very nice was that his brother? yeah what a shame you could have had Marseille you could have had Soshaw you could have had L 'Oreal you could have had Aston Villa or Leicester City I would have gone for I was going to go for Ghana's Hearts of Oak I just wanted to say it oh okay yeah that's annoying that would have been wrong but yes perhaps the only Boxing Day goal better than Mkhitaryan's Jordan Ice Crystal Palace against West Ham he roulette spun past Declan Rice danced around two defenders that was a lovely one and then shipped to Jimenez.

19:58That was a lovely one. A little Christmas treat. Well, damn it all, I've lost again. I got my tactics wrong in that one. Had I been more conservative with Trevor Sinclair. People have said that over the years. Exactly.

20:12I did find myself on stage once with Trevor Sinclair. Right. Him, myself, and of course Brandon Block were on stage after England had beaten... which game was that? I did two games. Was it at Box Park? No, it wasn't, but it's that type of thing. It was against Germany in the Euros back in 2021. And we were to go on stage. I was to interview Trevor Sinclair and talk about the match and all that. Brandon Block was going to have a little chat as well. He was going to play some tunes. But of course, by then, tables had been upturned. Much booze had flowed. The whole place was in very, very festive cheer, even though it was during the summer but of course England do provide that when they win and it was basically carnage it was glorious carnage we all looked at each other and Brandon Block just looked at me and went our work here is done and off we went of course it was a festive time of year that Sinclair urinated in a police car during an arrest yeah always listen if there's one Christmas message to take from today's episode it's be as conservative as you can with Trevor Sinclair exactly there we are everybody well that's the end of my biddy and of course Luke Moore the unstoppable machine won again but I'll be back oh I'll be back one day to beat that you can't keep a good man down you can't keep a good man down there we are thank you Peter for officiating that's alright you did really well have a lovely rest of your Christmas everybody if you observe and if you don't have a day off and a message for the happy winner just yeah look I'm very happy to be a part of this yeah you know thank you very much for making the contribution you made thanks to T-Pain thanks to producer Lauren as well for making this for getting this show on the road but most importantly thanks to all our listeners if you are listening to this on Christmas Day you're the best of us and we appreciate it absolutely right Gary Mr.

22:00Cullis' birthday there we go happy birthday Gary glory to the newborn king Gary McCullis happy Christmas everybody see you soon

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