My Biddy Aunt: Premier League Hard Men

0:28Danny Rolls Hello everybody Welcome to the Football Ramble It's Friday, it's my videos I'm Marcus Speller I'm Luke Moore And I'm Pete Donaldson

0:55Oh, can you feel the weekend everybody? It is that close Pete what does it feel like Hot Hot Feel hot and bothered About the whole thing Is it like running your hands Over a nice sports car No it's like running Well a sports car That's been driving all day Yes On the bonnet Hot bonnet You cracking an egg On the weekend bonnet And frying it I'm lifting up the thing I'm taking off the Protective plastic cover On the engine And I'm doing it on the V8 Love that Marcus And I'm playing The heat is on On my saxophone Oh Hang on a minute If the weekend Is you cracking an egg And frying it on the V8 engine and Marcus Burnham the saxophone the heat is on and I'm just watching what a weekend that is to me eggs roll round oh right I tell you what now you know what they say if at first you don't succeed try again I won't be doing that today I'm hosting I am in the Games Master chair which I hate by the way yeah can I explain to you why?

1:52do you want to give me another shoe in? because he's officious no because I'm the best player here currently currently all the clues look at the England players No. You know when they say you get into a negotiation, you don't mind being in a negotiation with someone who's a tough negotiator, but you don't want to be in a negotiation with an irrational actor. So I know what I'm up against there. I don't know what I'm up against here. Last time it was almost a disaster. I feel like I'm about to try and negotiate with someone who doesn't really know what they want out of it. You're Trump. I'm Carney.

2:24You're Carney? Kim Jong-un. You're Kim... Okay, fair enough. You're coming at that very well. I'm Carney. Handsome, really well respected. And I meant Karen Carney. And we love Karen. No, I did mean Mark Carney. Oh, I like all the Carnys. All the Carnys. Not on the Simpsons episode. All the people who run the coconut shies. All I'm saying is I wouldn't like Marcus as the governor of the Bank of England. Right. It's a fairly obvious reason. Why not? I love my country. I would make sure that was very safe. He loves two things, a free state and quantitative easing. That's what he lives for. The amount of quantitative easing under Marcus would be outrageous.

2:58You want some more money? Not a problem. Tax breaks for the church. You're not having it. Right, that's it. They live and die on their own. I want you to win today. Marcus. Okay? Consider that when you decide who goes first. Consider that. You're very strong on that. I am very strong on that. And I'm going to show you some strong and steady leadership right now. Right, where we are. Strong and steady leadership under Marcus. Yeah. Or chaos. More chaos. Unfunded chaos under Corbin Donaldson. They photoshopped a berry on me there. I don't know if my leadership would be particularly strong or anything, but we'd have a great time.

3:31We'd have a great old time. Listen, as long as Pete stands up straight, does up his tie and sings the National Anthem, I'll be happy with that. And under Marcus's stewardship, everyone gets a Union Jack guitar. They do. That's a lovely one, Peter. That's something that we'd all agree on. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, we would take it out of the NHS budget or something. Right, okay. Sorry, you've given 64 million guitars out. Yeah. No more tracheotomy people. Yeah, 64 million and one, I got two. Can't see Mark Carney doing that. Oh, dear. Well, not now. He's over in Canada doing bits, isn't he? He is, yeah.

4:03Right. If you don't know the rules, they are very, very simple. Each round, I'll name a footballer. One of you will bid how many of their clubs you can name. Your opponent can then raise the bid or challenge you to list them. You see, it's all about the... Biddy, biddy. So, only professional clubs. You've got a button for that now. Yes. What makes you think I've got that? That was just Pete saying, Biddy, biddy. Why do you even need a button? When I'm here, I'm right here. I'm on most of these to only professional clubs count yeah alright and the player must have made a competitive appearance for that team oh okay I like this we're all on that if you fail to meet your bid your opponent scores first of three points to win today's theme in tribute to Idrissa Gay and Michael Keane is Premier League hard men oh roughies and toughies playing right into Donaldson's hands they're all my favours because there's quite quite a soft effeminate man you're a celebrated hard man yourself I'm trying to get me bottom-ins Pete's answering questions about his brethren That's not fair I think it bodes very, very well I'll play the game the right way and I'm being punished for that Now, I am going to do things properly today I have been stitched up by more than one host on this as a contender myself So, Peter, as the challenger you will be going first Outrageous For every round The thing with Luke you do have to go in strong So that's going to be my game plan.

5:27Can I just say, in golf, if you win the hole before, you drive first to the next hole. It's called the honour. So go and play golf then? Yeah. The honour among thieves. Might do later actually. Peter. Yes. Round one. Hard men. This man played for six clubs. Sometimes got up to dreadful things off the pitch. We can all agree. He also got up to dreadful things on the pitch. as well. So six clubs that this man played for. It is Lee Bowyer. I love that because that's hang on. Shouldn't talk. Shouldn't talk. Right. So Lee Bowyer, of course. Yes, yes, yes, yes. He played for England, Lee Bowyer, at some stage in his career.

6:22And of course has been a manager for a wee bitty most recently at Montserrat what really that's a lovely old job yeah of course only one England how did that even happen that's amazing yeah one England cap good on him one England cap it's just one more than all of us combined I bet it's absolutely clear a dreadful man he's done some dreadful things we have to be clear on that pretty straightforward yeah and we're not saying I did use the word dreadful earlier yeah you did as a society we should believe in the power of rehabilitation for people to improve themselves and hold it against them forever but he has done some bad things.

6:56Doesn't mean he can't be in my bitty aunt though. He a real bad hombre. Peter, six clubs, Lee Bowie. Can I have an opening? Bitty bitty. What are you going for?

7:08I think it's important for me to set my stall out and it's important for me to go hard, certainly with Newcastle player. Yep. One's Newcastle. What are you going for? Six. I'm going to go six. He's going all six? Yeah, I'm going for six. Oh! Because I think he's got the six. That's okay I suspect I've got a strong five I like it My sixth is Is an absolute swing Okay Okay So You definitely want six You're not going to go five You're going to go all six No because I think I'll go six Okay But then he laughed He smirked So then maybe You never You can't That's why he's the champ If you bid six You bid six Okay Pete Donaldson Can I want to go five now Do I want to go five Well you can't go fucking five You said six Peter Six clubs Lee Bowyer Cholton where he started Leeds Newcastle he'd definitely be for West Ham

8:04QPR oh Peter Swindon in there Swindon and Ofton I had a four then Luke it's Birmingham oh fuck yes I think it might be the end of his career Ipswich so Luke did have the six you don't know I've had the four I think you probably would you had the four didn't you yeah I did yeah so I like where your head was at there because he's quite a QPR player in a way that I can't yeah I get that and also same colours as Birmingham similar different shirts but I get that and Ipswich as well so the blue and white he didn't play Ipswich for long from what I remember no he finished his career there as you say so that's 1-0 to Luke but I like that you were bold I think that's the way to go about it I think that is the way to go about it because when I saw Lee Bowie I thought to myself I think Luke might have that I would have definitely had five for Bowyer.

8:55Ipswich Town, would that have popped into my mind? It doesn't matter. I'm not playing. I'm hosting. It's about you two guys. It's 1-0 to the champ. It's a good start for Luke Moore. But I think, Pete Donaldson, you've won over a lot of people there. He wins hearts and minds. That's the thing about him. He does. He does. I think there are members of the Luke Nation now scrambling to go to your newly formed political party. Now, what's Donaldson? Because you're Spelgium. I've got a Luke Nation. What's Donaldson got? Didn't we just do a lot on WhatsApp? We went through loads of the film. What does Pete have?

9:22what does Pete have Pete yours was a trickier one because we had we had some lovely ones like you had like Norway and all this kind of stuff I think we settled for Jim Barbway as well North Macedonaldson I think yeah that was it yeah yeah North Macedonaldson there you go I was going to say Basildon Basildon it's not a country though you don't have to go for a country disrespectful to the good people of Basildon they've got their own signs such as Basildon like Hollywood there we go we can have Donico for example there we go that's nice and that's very you isn't it nice yeah Avoiding tax Absolutely And sunning yourself Just so you know For the record Pete avoids tax He never evades it No I avoid paying it Until they really start Layering the fines And then I pay So I'm giving away more Exactly Oh dear And then the dance begins again Helping the exchequer Just Just up to the point of January Then it starts again Yeah Or you could do the honourable thing Just leave the country Yeah Like other people do Non-dominant Non-dominant Okay Round two Luke Moore is on point For this one eight clubs for this mighty man Yapstam oh Yapstam is he a hard man?

10:30he's a bald man he's tough very very tough man I don't think anybody would want to have a fight with Big Yap eight clubs though a fine player of course okay so I'll bid five oh that's a big bid I think I've got five oof Pete are you going six Peter? I mean, if Pete can name six, give him the title now. We'll give you all of the money and all of the titles. I've only got five. Okay. I've only got five. That is tricky. I think five is a really good bid. I'm not actually sure about one of them. Okay, well, Peter, I don't want to break character too much, but let's hope he gets it wrong. Luke, five clubs of Yapstam.

11:18I think he played for Man United. That is correct. And I think he signed for Man United from PSV Eindhoven. He did. And I think he went from Man United in a move that Alex Ferguson regretted to Lazio. Sven's Lazio, I assume. Nah, he must have been after that, man. Was it Sven's Lazio? Good point. It was around that time, though. Don't distract me. Okay. I'm pretty sure I've got a memory of him playing for AC Milan. Now, this is where it gets tricky. Here we go. I'm now basically going to just name a Dutch club which Dutch club because I think all the other clubs he played for were Dutch I can't think of any other European nation club that he played for the Dutch club is my feather in my cap so I hope he gets this one unless I'm completely missing something totally obvious which again is possible

12:14I think he played later on I think he played for Ajax he did he finished his career at Ajax lovely Yeah, I mean, five, I would have thought realistically was the most you'd get with him. Willem Twer? He did play for Willem Twer. Lovely, Peter. Remember, that's one of his previous... So which... Did you have... It looks like I fucked it up. I wrote PSV, Man United, Willem Twer, Lachio, Inter. So he didn't play for Inter. But you're on the right lines there. So FC Zwolle was where he started and SC Kambur was his second side. I would have no got those. Very surprised if you got them. So Luke is 2-0 up.

12:48Pete Donaldson? You need something here. Well, listen, last time we played, Pete, you were 2-0 up and I won, so could you go the other way? Okay. Yeah, well, again, we all sincerely hope so. Round three. I feel I should have got the boy you won and then that should have... Well, again, I see what you tried to do there. I think it was a good swing. Luke was waiting in the wings, so... It's impossible for me not to sound patronising when I say this, and I don't mean to. You're playing it the right way. Some people just sit there and just drip all over the table and don't do anything. Okay. Some people.

13:19Jim

13:26Well Peter Alright It's time to To shut the champ up Round three Nine clubs Some very guessable ones In here Nine clubs Craig Bellamy Oh Bellas He was a little hard man Wasn't he a little toughie We like the cut of his jib these days Don't we Now he's a little bomber jacket Wearing Softie Fuck He's not a softie so nine clubs I mean the man played in many different places nine clubs a fine player a slightly underrated player I think I think just because the way he played and he was injured quite a lot because of the way he played as well he was kind of very did he have bad knees? bad knees very focused on speed early on wasn't he?

14:06he was a very pacey player he had a very keen eye for goal very keen eye for goal as well but yeah no we're liking Bellamy at the moment I quite enjoyed him as a player some of his post-match interviews were pretty good I won't say which particular ones because that would be some clues. So, Pete Donaldson, it's time for a... Biddy biddy. What have you got? Nine clubs. Can I hear a number from you? I'm going to start with four. Four, okay. A slightly more conservative bid, perhaps, Luke Moore. I can definitely do six. Six. He can definitely do six, Peter. But he could be bluffing. Can I hear seven?

14:45I don't think Luke trusts me to do seven. so I fear I may have to ask him to do his six because he's left like two spaces there I mean I suspect Luke probably does have the six but all I've done is just written down the clubs I can literally remember him playing for it came to six still not getting to six for me Peter, are you going to have a swing at seven? I'm not going to have a swing at seven I'm afraid Luke, name your clubs six clubs I think Luke can see this home But let's hope he makes an error. Started at Norwich. Yeah. Then went to Coventry. And Blackburn. He's already done it now, hasn't he?

15:29Are these in order so far? I'm not going to say because it could give you some clues. But you've got them all right, hence the ding. Liverpool. Newcastle. And then Cardiff. Oh, no! Luke Moore wins! Marcus adjusting the position on the playout system. I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming when he did Blackburn and Coventry. What were the other clubs interested in? Celtic. Did you play for Celtic? He did play for Celtic on loan. Surprised he didn't go for Manchester City. I forgot about that. Oh, fuck. Is that under Keggy? No. I forgot about Celtic as well. And West Ham. Oh, of course. West Ham.

16:09Yeah. They'll take anyone. They will take anyone. I think with Bellamy you can remember him a lot of places but then it's Norwich and Coventry which I did recall they're nice they're nice little foundation they are they are but there's a few little people so Luke is three and up he's an unassailable lead let's play for pride unless round four counts for five points I want the whitewash so I'm still motivated okay Peter if you can avoid the whitewash it will be celebrated like a victory and who knows maybe I will give you the belt very much a Trump approach to his position he thinks he's a king Pete hashtag no kings hashtag no kings this is the kingdom of Spelgium Spelgium army do what you want round four Luke Moore you were gonna go first yeah 12 clubs Diego Costa oh fuck I mean 12 clubs gives you a lot of scot but then Diego Costa is first for some mad clubs I'll tell you what this is an absolute shock and a draw because if it came in the third, there's no way I'd be doing this.

17:14That's really unlucky for Pete because if it comes as a third player, I think... You reckon? I've got... I can't think of hardly any.

17:25Fuck. I can't even...

17:33Okay. I'll go four, but I'm... I'm not entirely... Yeah, I'll go four. Peter? I want to go five. I want to go five. I want to go five. And I've remembered the two weird ones. Well, one of his two weird ones. Can I hear six, Luke? I think I'll just be guessing. Okay. I'm not even sure about the four. So, Pete, just go for your five. So, Peter, to draw level on points. That's not how it works. Go on, go on, go on. To stop the whitewash, Peter. He definitely played for Chelsea. Yep, yep. Definitely played for Atletico Madrid. Ah, yeah, I forgot about that. He played for a little bit of Minero. He did.

18:14Well played. West Brom. Oh, fuck. What was the fucking English club? Wolves. Wolves. Yeah, I see. I get that. Was Botafogo in there? Yeah, I had them. Were they in there? Botafogo were in there. Yeah, nice. I would have fucked it anyway. Do you know what? I was trying to think of his... I knew he played for... He came back for like five matches or so, didn't he? Yeah, I had balls because it was brilliant. He didn't score any goals. I think he scored one. Did he get sent off? He was really aggressive. He might have scored one, but yeah, it was ultimately a bit disappointing. So I couldn't even think of the Portuguese he played for.

18:42Was it Porto? He did not play for Porto. He played for Braga, Pennefield, Let's go Madrid, as you said, Celta Vigo, Albacete, Real Valladolid, Rava Cano, Chelsea, Let's go Mignero, Wolfram for Wanderers, Botafogo, and Grimmio. This guy was like nailed on for a Chinese jaunt, wasn't he? Absolutely nailed on. Well, do you know what? For Shanghai Shenua under Sven or something. Yeah, so you know what it's like when you get the list of players. I have a little go in my head. For the life of me, if I was playing this game it would have wound me up something chronic because I couldn't remember Wolves and I knew it was I saw him play for bloody Wolves but I thought I thought there was a China move in there I had written down Chelsea, Wolves, Porto and Botafogo so I'd have been wrong with four anyway I imagine his agent took a few ships trips to Shanghai back and forth yes perhaps he must be a Georgie Mendes player no?

19:32I don't know how he was I can't remember let's move on it's 4-0 I think you've done well I think you can hold your head up high you start exposing the neck and the arterials you are to serve in this round five to stop the whitewash to stop bully boy Luke Moore and his horrible nation of which I met a member actually when I was in the in the nice corporate area at Arsenal they walk among us yes they do they're everywhere you wouldn't be proud of him I'm doing it for you no he was a lovely chap doing it for you right round five eight clubs we're taking it back we're taking it back Here's another one.

20:09It's Neil Razor Ruddock. Oh, the quintessential 90s hard man. Let me just say, I mean, if these players had come earlier, there would no way, no way would I be falling off.

20:23My goodness me.

20:29Peter Donaldson. Hang on. Hang on, hang on, hang on. He's not got his... Biddy biddy. Yeah. so eight clubs from Neil Razor I think I know I think I know his last his last name his last club as well you met him was he alright or was he at Bellend no he was fine I mean he's been through quite a bit he's a big personality yeah cool he's a great bear hug and he's about twice my height so I was very much caressed into his bosom that was nice nice experience yeah one of the best one of the best footballers bosoms you've been caressed into possibly the only one actually right he must have given you a big hug yeah but right he's only about a couple of inches taller than me but he still caressed you into his bosom yeah okay I see what you mean yeah Ian Wright marvellous bear hugger yeah which was at the last FSAs or maybe a recent one Peter let's have a bit alright sorry one

21:23I'm going to win six definitely oh get the fuck out of here really six six I didn't expect that I definitely didn't expect that from Luke because of certain reasons that will become clear when I give you my six absolute bangers. Well, go for it then. Six, club. You've done it twice before. It's both been wrong. Peter, I mean, I'll tell you what, if you could... I'll end with the banger that's going to upset you. Let's... Would you... Tread pleasures with me right now. Would you, in the spirit of goodwill and Friday afternoon and all the rest of it, would you give him the belt if he gets this right?

21:58Would you let me wear the belt briefly? Yeah. I would actually, yeah. Just on the town for tonight. If you make me an egg on that V8 engine, I can wear the belt while I eat it. All right, Peter. Six clubs. Make my nephew an egg. Let's go. Neil Razor Ruddick. Liverpool. Yep, that's the one we all had. He did all the fucking London clubs. Go on. West Ham. Yeah, I had those two. QPR. Well done. Palace. Well done. Spurs. Oh, I forgot about Spurs. Yeah. And one more. The one that's going to upset Lukey, did he play for Portsmouth? Hey! Yay! He played by Samampton. Oh, fuck!

22:37That was such a great attempt. The upset gun has been pointed at me. Now I'm upset. The confidence is so good. Oh, Peter. All right, all right. Here's one for a little bit of fucking a step over. Go on. Wellington something or other. He may well have done. Right. That's not in the list. Millwall. Millwall. What was his last? Oh, of course, Millwall. Millwall. What was his last club? because he played in Australia didn't he? Swindon Town. What part of Australia is that again? He definitely played in Australia at one point. Wellingborough-Whitworth. Wellingborough-Whitworth. Wellingborough, right.

23:12That's Northampton, isn't it? Oh, is it? I thought it was in Australia. No, that's the club you're thinking of. I thought he went to Australia. He might well have done for a holiday. Yeah. But if he did, it wasn't a professional club, I'm afraid. That was genuinely very good because I remember when we looked, I was trying to find the, not long ago, I was trying to look for the, remember the Predator headband he had oh yeah oh did you have one of them it was like an April Fool's thing yeah I was trying to find the original Sun document you're very unlucky had I have managed to beat Luke last week which was very unlikely as it proved to be you would have given me a good game today because I think I only had four for Ruddock I did I had Liverpool, Millwall Surampton, West Ham are you all correct yes I've completely lost Spurs it's because of that Predator thing I would have looked at his Wikipedia quite recently but yeah Peter despite the whitewash I think you should hold your head very very hard I think it's been a strong showing for what my brain is like.

23:59Yeah, I think you surprised a few people. And I think that you've got a few more citizens at the Peak Province. Yes. Okay. Come in, the water's lovely. Donico's got to be Donico. Donico. Nice. Also sounds like an oil company. Yeah, because it sounds like an oil company. It means you haven't got to pay tax, Pete. Yeah. Perfect. To me, Monaco, you'd have your top off quite a lot, which you also like. So it fits perfectly. And your style of dress as well. I assume everyone in Monaco dresses quite smart. and are terrible people at the core of what they are. Yeah, I think so. Empty inside. But you would be the outlier.

24:33You would be the shining bright light. Drink a lot Prosecco these days. As I think you were in this game, to be honest. I think Luke would be ashamed of himself with that performance. But 5-0, one might say you can't argue with it. I think it's a self-immolation, isn't it? It's three of them you basically torpedoed yourself on. I don't think I had anything in the tank, really. He went bold, and I like that. Do you know what? It was vintage Ange Postacoglu at Spurs yeah has his admires and where's he now? he's on his way back soon we hope thank you for listening to the Football Round we're part of the Acast Creator Network it's been an absolute pleasure having you all here the gate to the weekend is open and it's the heat is on by Glenn Fry you can hear that sax get on it everybody and well done again to Luke Moore he keeps his only belt but he's still got it still got it stinks of him stinks of that blue stratosy sprays on his belly button needs a wash but I won't wash it yeah get yourself a damn good wash for crying out loud alright remember I treat myself bit of saxophone in the shower yes if that's what you're calling it thank you Luke thank you very much thank you PT goodbye everyone the heat is on everybody have a marvellous weekend see you Monday

25:51the football ramble is a stack production and part of the ACAST Creator Network.