Ramble Uncut: Dinner for six on André Onana’s back

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3:07Luke Moore: Hello Ramblers, Marcus here. You're about to listen to Ramble Uncut, the bonus content that our Football Ramble patron subscribers get treated to every single Wednesday. It's an extra, even more laid back helping of the Ramble where we chat about anything and everything As well as this lovely extra show our Patreon members get access to the Football Ramble Discord where they can chat to other listeners They also get every episode of the Ramble on the continent and up front completely ad-free and all of this for just$5 a month So if you like what you hear today just head to patreon.com forward slash football ramble That's patreon.com forward slash football ramble to sign up now.

3:49Luke Moore: Right, on with the show.

3:54Luke Moore: You don't like Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves? I don't think it's very good, no. Scum. No, I don't. That's not what I'm asking. Can I, yeah, well, fair. I would say that I get why people like it. I get the vibe. I get that people like sticking it on one of those days between Christmas and New Year. To be fair, if it's on the TV, I wouldn't automatically turn it off. I get the soundtrack I get what would you automatically turn off there's loads of things I'd automatically turn off list them you on TalkSport oh hey you on ESPN who's next who's next myself 100 % myself but I don't think I think Robin Hood Prince of Thieves as a movie is very overrated I'm going to see my father in Nottingham exactly it's good the one bit I don't like about it more than anything else is that when they rock up on the little rowing boat that they've taken from Turkey to the White Cliffs of Dover.

4:52Luke Moore: Yeah. No one was there to greet them, were they? About three hours ride, they're in Nottingham. Right. Come on. That smacks to me of Americans thinking, Britain's so small, that'll be fine. Well, for starters, less traffic. There were less traffic. I would concede there's less traffic in those days, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what, you know, they don't want to, the film is obviously not centred around their journey across Europe. No, but I think it should be at least in some way realistic. I mean, Cards on the Table, you were a fan of the movie. I enjoy the film. I like Sean Connery's cameo.

5:28Spoilers! I love Alan Rickman in it. Yeah, he can't beat a bit of Rickers. Come on. Yeah. That's where I was. That's the ace card. There's some to credit it. There's some stuff to credit it. So your problem with the film is essentially the small boat.

5:38Luke Moore: Yeah. Yeah, which is funny for me. He's from the Portsmouth area. He's from the first small boats.

5:45Luke Moore: What a shame. Would you have a preferred Robin Hood film? That's a really good question. It's not that... The cartoon's quite good. The Fox is. Yeah. What is it? He loves the Fox. Which one? Robin Hood. What, the Disney one? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just joking. Oh, Men in Tights is funny. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a bit of you, that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't seen it for years. A young Dave Chappelle's in it? Very nice. That's a good bit of trivia, that. I didn't know that. There you are. Yeah. I never watched the Russell Crowe Robin Hood film.

6:13Luke Moore: No, I haven't seen it either, no. Fish, was that good? No, but a mate of mine worked on it, and apparently he... Who's the director again? Was it Ridley Scott? Could have been. He is a director, and it is a film. Ridley Scott. Let's put two and two together and create Ridley Scott. Wiggly Scott. So he... Apparently... Actually, it doesn't sound like it would be Ridley Scott because of this story, but Russell Crowe was really annoyed at the fact that he was really shit at archery. So when he would shoot the bow, the arrows wouldn't go straight into the ground and they'd bounce off. And he didn't realise, obviously, it was just astroturf and just concrete underneath.

6:48Which is why it wasn't sticky. Well, get out of the car park, Russell. It was released, apparently. Producer Bruno's a film buff. Have you seen that movie? He hasn't seen it. He is a film buff, though. But not with that particular one. What's the best Robin Hood film, then?

7:01Luke Moore: Tough guy. He enjoyed the Disney one. Oh, it's safe only because... Anyway. I think that's poor. Have you ever tried to fire a bow and arrow? Yes. At another human? No. No. Don't do that. No, you shouldn't do that. Yeah. Although in Pete Donaldson's Hartlepool, there was a bylaw years ago. It's not, it was there. Everyone says it's about fucking ever a different town. That you can legally shoot Luke Moore after dark. That's probably, it's not legal, but it is very popular. There's a difference between legal and popular. It's frowned upon. It's a popular hobby. I can see that. No, that was the rule, wasn't it?

7:35Luke Moore: It was after dark, you could legally shoot a Scotsman. Everyone says that shit. But it might have been in about, I don't know, 1500 or so. It's basically like saying, oh, be careful because last Halloween there's this nasty person who put razor blades in the fucking chocolate. It didn't happen. That's a bit sinister. That shit doesn't happen. That's a bit sinister. I'd rather take... They are urban myths, aren't they? I'd rather take... No, no, no. That's an urban myth, whereas the bylaws are a thing. I don't think they are. But they would have been back in the day. I don't think so. Prove it.

8:04Luke Moore: I can't. Because it's not on me to prove it. It's for you to prove it. I'm happy with what I believe. You're the one who's kicking off. I know, that's the problem. Right. Kirk Hilton, go up there after dark, see how you get on in the town square. That Halloween story is true. I remember a mate telling me and he was the exact same mate who, in a philosophy exam, when they asked what is bravery, he said this is, walked out. Yeah. And then came and said, by the way, don't eat any candy at Halloween because of what you said. But what did his girlfriend, Cindy Crawford, She died in a car crash with Keenan and Kel.

8:33Younger people, she was a model back in the town. Exactly. I think it's also the philosophy exam I heard it's funny how they vary because the one I heard was oh if you did philosophy at fucking Oxford in the 90s the final exam question was is this a question and all you had to put was if this is an answer and that's the way you got your A it's just all made up it's all made up

8:56Luke Moore: well I did find it in the English exam at standard grades as I did standard grades in Scotland you see or A levels when there was just a question that just said why is that also that was another one yeah people say it to which I put why not yeah very good full marks I got expelled now you're doing podcasts for a living congratulations a warning from history yeah answer the questions properly can I wrestle this to football just briefly must you if I may I've got a hot take on this Zidane Zidane video that's been doing the rounds oh so Zidane's just spraying the balls around in training is that how you want to sum it up or people haven't seen it is there anything else you want to add okay I won't use the word spray, he's passing the balls around in training.

9:37Luke Moore: Have you seen it, Vish? Yeah, so he's behind the goal, it's a shooting drill, chipping to the edge of the box, they one touch and shoot. Yeah. And why is everyone going crazy about how amazing it is? I think it's, I know exactly what you're saying. Well, he had a very good playing career. Yeah, and I think it is quite nice seeing people like that still kicking a ball. Still doing it. But do you know when it became... The Xabi Alonso one? Yeah, again, it's like I was never any good at football, but I'm not surprised that one of the guys who was noted as being one of the best passers in the Premier League and won a load of big trophies can still zip a ball to another player at the age of whatever he's what, 41?

10:12Luke Moore: Yeah, but you're looking at this so literally head on. Is it not very similar to like when, I don't know, a musician or an artist I was about to say. and then they give you like a small taste of what they used to do. If you saw like Neil Young tuning up a guitar at the back of a pub you would be absolutely loving it. That'd be brilliant. Yeah, there you go. Oh, of course you can still do it. He's playing guitar all his life. That's your argument. You do sound like that. Yeah. You do sound like that. That is essentially your argument. Fish, while I could see, that was an excellent impression. Because normally you sound like you're from Brooklyn, of course.

10:42Exactly. So my family do, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You putz. Yeah, very, while Marcus's impression there varied wildly from the usual Nick Heuer, it was very good. I think that's a completely different comparison. I think the very, if Xavi Alonso, your comparison there is, if Xavi Alonso was at the bottom of your back garden, well, yeah, of course that would be good. Jerry Alonso.

11:03Luke Moore: No, the point is you're going, what's the big shit about Zidane kicking a football? He's basically clipping a ball 20 yards to a striker. Yeah. He's fucking Zidane Zidane. No one is saying, how on earth has he managed to get that elevation on that pass and make it so accurate? Everyone's going, oh, look, there's Zidane. There's Zidane doing what we love seeing him do. That's all it is. You joyless sod. The thing that it reminded me of in terms of when we were talking about it is there's a clip from a New York Mets game in 2015 when they play Piano Man all the time but Billy Joel's in the crowd this time and he's singing along to it with everyone that's lovely that's great which is a little bit like do you know what pisses me off about that Dan clip more than anything else there's people liking it who's in the background of it who's in the background of that clip that no one's talking about on the record Fabian Barted oh Barted back on board as a goalkeeper coach another baldy yeah give him a bit of credit well maybe they will in the next clip That was a Dan clip and that Alonso clip is the same energy as when everyone found that Andrea Pirlo was about to retire and he was passing 20 yard square balls across the midfield and he was like look at this guy who's ever going to replace him it's like no but you're looking but again though I think you're annoyed at the people who like some of the people who like it rather than the content I think that's probably fair yeah I'm not going to name names but you've obviously seen some people that you don't like so-called journalists liking it on X and you thought oh well that's not No, I haven't seen it on X.

12:30I've only seen it on the link that someone sent it. Yeah, true social. It was three ups on Trump TV, so I saw it on that. Yeah, I saw it on there. And I'm not annoyed.

12:42Luke Moore: Do you think it's fake news? Do you think that's not Zidane? Do you think it's AI? No, Zidane playing it to Trump one time, bang, top corner. Trump's got a military uniform, I'm sorry. Yeah, but a good pair of shorts. I'm not annoyed at any journalist at the moment. I'm not the person who's annoyed at... At the moment? Yeah, at the moment. It's a very brief moment. What I don't like about it Is how I come on What's up the other day Jim The nice guy The show So called journalist Jim Can pipe on WhatsApp That he wants to beat up A journalist And name the journalist And no one fucking says anything Yeah because it's not a threat Is it That's a compliment to me In a way Oh you're a hard man No I'm not I've seen you Bat five blokes in a pub I can move when I have to Yeah One of them is Neil Young Yeah Are you a bloke At the age of nine Hit him with his own guitar Struggling him With a guitar strength You're a Canadian cunt.

13:31You've been doing this your whole life. No one cares. All right.

13:36Luke Moore: All right, Neil Young.

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16:05Luke Moore: Oh, deary me. Deary bloody me. Look, I like seeing Zinzadans spray the ball. I don't think it's... He's not spraying it. He's clipping it. 20 yards. Oh, what a clip, though. Yeah, he's not... It's so good. It's orgasmic. It's what it is. It's Glenhodl-esque. there's a great clip now you're talking that's better if Zidane was doing what Glenn Hoddle did when he was Swindon Town Player Manager there's a great England manager he was still doing it in England training which pissed the players off there's a great video that literally was doing the rounds about three or four days ago on Twitter of Glenn Hoddle at Swindon but I think I want to say John Monker is Eileen Drury in the background she's not way before Drury not interested then there are two midfielders and one of them is Monker I think yeah Yeah, and Hoddle is trying to get them to do something.

16:51And Monker's doing it with kind of moderate... It's very 90s. It's very kind of... It's raining and they've got the old drill tops on. It's great. It's great nostalgia. Oh, yeah. But Hoddle is just doing it over and over again. He's obviously so much better. And towards the end, it gets really patronising because Monker, he goes around a cone. He's bearing down on goal. Keeper comes out and he tries to clip one on the top corner and it goes miles over. And Hoddle, the last thing you hear on the clip is Hoddle going, don't mind that. don't mind that John that's okay don't mind that

17:19Luke Moore: yeah did he say that to David Beckham though ever probably not that was a Beccum documentary in 98 he was a bit like I'll do it I'll take the corners I heard I heard Hardwell used to be particularly kind of cutting to players who weren't of the same ability as kind of he was or maybe to the point where I don't know if this is true but this is going back years now so I couldn't tell you the source and it could be bollocks but we'll go with it I heard that he thought that you could shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow in Hartford. With a football? Yeah. And you could ping it. No, I heard that there was a player whose drill was the player's clipping crosses in for someone to head or for them to battle for second balls or whatever and he's not putting good quality crosses in and Hoddle in front of the group is like, yeah, why don't you try to do using your good foot?

18:07Luke Moore: Yeah. And obviously he is using his good foot. But then Hoddle would go in, look, this is what I want you to do. Because I mean, Hoddle, obviously, England manager was a very young man still. Yeah, Yeah, that's true. Was he, what, late 30s? Yeah. And I've actually heard, I mean, she won't mind me saying, from Jules Breach particularly, but from others as well, that he's a very, very nice man these days. Yeah. A very nice man. Yeah, I don't think anybody would... Sure he is. Well, yeah, I mean, obviously he was interviewed on the Ramble once upon a time. And he came across lovely in that, didn't he?

18:32Luke Moore: He came across lovely. Yeah. He was 38 as England manager. Is that right, Bruno? Yeah. Fucking hell. Yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. He was very, very young. Yeah. Very, very young indeed. And he followed El Teller as well, didn't he? who we loved you all would follow L-Tel if you could if we could you remember when it's us it's us that was one of my such an enjoyable time were you hanging out at Craig Brown and Terry Venables at an England fans of his Scotland match sorry Scotland fans England match match you couldn't make it more Marcus unless Nick Hewitt was there which maybe he was well he was because I was there yeah exactly now that was when Scotland fans of England fans at Little Hamden ahead of the match.

19:14Luke Moore: I love that, Little Hamden. That's what they call it. They call it that. No, no, no. That's the smaller one. Oh, okay. That's not me taking the pick. We went to university in Scotland. Did you go to university in Edinburgh? Yeah. Fuck you, they were in a Little Hamden. Well, he used to hang around at Little Murrayfield. I was just playing cricket all the time. When it wasn't raining, yeah, we tried. It's another great impression. Yeah. Honestly. Did you play for the ones in cricket, Edinburgh? No. Fucking pathetic. Yeah. It's your whole personality. He was on the ones and twos. Just the twos. Threes?

19:42Twos. That's not too bad.

19:44Luke Moore: Yeah. At uni sports teams. That was the drinking man's team. Yeah, uni sports teams. So twos was more fun, apparently. It was more fun. Come on, Bisho. Not in this case. Yeah. Did you ever play drunk? No, I've only ever played cricket drunk once, and I was actually annoyingly good, and then I've tried to recreate that since. You've driven drunk a lot, haven't you? He's just drunk. On the up to a fast bowler. Hey! No, I can't play that shot. Can't drive the ball on the up, can you? Not your level of ability. No, no, no. It generally doesn't get up that high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's that I play. For those of you, those of us listening and watching who would follow you on Instagram, there's a lot of booze that goes on.

20:22Yeah.

20:22Luke Moore: Yeah. You're not like that. Is that it? Is that it? It's motivation, yeah. Down the Ash Lovely. Yeah. You still doing that with Sandro Ford, are you? Down the Ash Lovely. How does he do it? So on the Sandro Ford videos, what happens, okay, so basically it's a guy, he's a chronic alcoholic and we shouldn't be making it and we shouldn't be using it for entertainment but we are but he's doing it for entertainment he is and he does what I drink in a day so he basically he wakes up really early in the morning whatever he's on a holiday to Marbella he gets a flight at like 5am but he's boozing the whole time and that's just his thing but what's happened now is that people the first comment is always the units so someone just basically takes a note of everything he's doing and puts it up there and says this is what you've had today kind of thing is that the fun police It's astonishing to read.

21:11No, I think it's more an admiration rather than kind of chastisement.

21:14Luke Moore: You know, like when they go through... No, no, it's not the following. It's the police. You know, like up to when, you know, to the start of the Premier League and beyond to take all the stats of assists and stuff like that. That's what this is. It is that. This is a logging history. His numbers are high. My question to you as a noted and respected and at least critically acknowledged Boozer, right? Could you keep up with him for a day? No. No way. No, you're not getting near it. An hour. Because I think it's a good litmus test for people if you ask him. because I've got a couple of friends. One of them may or may not be involved in this whole operation here with the initials JT, who claimed, and I believe him because I know him, claimed that he could do a day.

21:53Could do a day with him.

21:54Luke Moore: Well, I mean, to give you some of the numbers that... Have you got it in front of you? 73 drinks over three days in Spain. Yeah. I mean, to be fair... 25 drinks a day. I know we're getting into sort of lad Bible territory here and all that kind of crap. With the cap fits. But indeed, yeah. it's okay to put the cap on for a moment yeah yeah when we do you remember when we went to Menorca on a sponsored Ramble trip of course you remember that because it wasn't that long ago yeah and it happened I reckon old Jim Campbell wasn't that far off yeah he'd suffer the next day there's no way he's doing day two though no he got through day two no way hair and a dog yeah no way he's doing day two he had two fantastic days yeah on the third day it was like last days of Rome with him yeah he was in bits crumbling brewing of a man could you do one day with Sandro?

22:41I'd give it a good go. My Sandro. Plata pasta? Plata pasta with my Sandro? Yeah. Yeah. You'd need it, wouldn't you? You would need it. You absolutely wouldn't. I don't think I'd get anywhere near it these days. Back in the day, I'd give it a good old crack. Yeah. But not now. I can't really have more than two beers now. I'm on the wrong side of the bell curve now, I think. I can feel it a little bit. Two beers? It feels different.

23:05Luke Moore: I'm not a drinker and I think that's pathetic. I wouldn't have more than two. I just don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. that's the company you keep though anyway that is the company did you see his Andreanana thing no well yeah talking of which he had 20 cups on his shoulder that was going to be the link yeah the cup therapy so have you guys do you guys know about this cup therapy stuff I've had it have you really so that's interesting so tell me about it because the reason I'm interested is because I've had cupping therapy that's not the same thing I read a pretty decent I thought quite comprehensive rebuttal of it as pseudoscience with no benefits whatsoever.

23:41But lots of people seem to really like it. What's it supposed to do? So I had terrible upper back issues where my muscles were just seizing up. Like I was going to the gym a lot and I wasn't warm, basically like cooling down. And it got to the point where it would just like constantly seize up. And I'd find ways of, like I would go to the gym and alleviate it and then it would just come back. And so what cupping did is it basically like essentially untangles the muscles because by creating that vacuum and essentially lifting your skin up with the muscle, it basically lifts it up and it stretches it out, which is why if you see on his shoulders, on this Inanna video, he's got them all over because they're all basically like, they're almost doing scaffolding work in terms of picking things up.

24:30Luke Moore: His body looks like a table and it looks like there's a dinner for six people on the back. Yeah, it does. Because you've got candles on there. You see a lot of top level swimmers with the marks from having it done. Yeah, often down the centre of their back, yeah. Scientific community says there's no evidence supporting it. There's nothing to support the pandemic. I've only had it once and it completely, it helped massively. Vish, would you go for a drink with the scientific community? You go for a drink with anyone. Hang on, that's why I asked you. It depends on what science. Dawkins. You go for a drink with Dawkins.

25:02I'll do some scientists. You're going to go for a drink with Dawkins. We'd only need the one seat, wouldn't we? Are you going for a drink with Tolkien? He's a bit of sourpuss. He is a bit, yeah. Maybe he'd let me have a go. Yeah. Would you go for a drink with Neil deGrasse Tyson? Yeah, he seems all right. He seems like a good time.

25:17Luke Moore: Sir Isaac Newton. No. No, he would obviously be famous. He had a very boring life, didn't he? Yeah. Well, Vish could spice it up a bit. Died a virgin, quite young. I'm not sitting under the tree, Isaac. Fucking let's go into the pub. Isaac Newton. Isaac Newton. Hang on, hang on. What you just described there, that doesn't mean to say he had a boring life, though. I think it makes it interesting. I think he's well known to have been quite into his studies, Marcus. Right, well, that's where he needs Vish to kind of say, oi, get Stella down, yeah. Newton, the great thing about Newton, I think I'm right in saying, is that he had these theories around...

25:46Probably drank a bit, though. Oh, fair enough. He had these theories around the particular area of science he was working in, but in order to get it to work, he basically had to invent calculus, which he did, like, in his 20s, and then got that bit out of the way, and then was able to prove his theories. Have you been close to inventing anything? No. No. Football podcast once in a while. No, that was Humphrey. I was trying to be fair. If fucking Humphrey hadn't got there first. Yeah. Also, Jake Humphrey invented... Banter. No, Jake Humphrey invented not being a failure. Right. As well, yeah. Okay.

26:24Be successful. Yeah. Just be successful. Good point. Yeah. Don't waste your day. Jake Humphrey's the first person to say on the record, and he's got witnesses, is don't waste your day.

26:35Luke Moore: He's got a lot of friends as well. Oh, yeah. You know, I've got friends in the Sahara Desert, the Atacama Desert. Nice. You could say I've got friends in dry places. It's not worth it, is it? That's a joke I invented. You see? That's just off the cuff. He does a big run-up to it. Yeah. And it's never worth it. People are getting this for free, are they? We were saying, what have you invented? Well, there you go. I've just invented a little tiny bit of banter In the way that you create matter, that's what you've done there. In a shameless attempt to go play to the crown a little bit more, can I just give you a little, very quick anecdote about Jake Humphrey?

27:17Luke Moore: If you do this, I get to say another joke I've made up. Okay. I'm not judging you for that. I'm worried about other people. I feel like I'm a football fan watching Ronaldo and Messi. Just enjoy them both. You're Rio in this situation. He kept up for a bit. and then he hit the booze. He can't be real because you're on time today. The Jake Humphrey, it's not even an anecdote. I don't know if I've told you. When I went for that phase of really laying into Humphrey, which I think he deserved. You're passing now. Looking back on it, I'll do it. This is a retrospective take. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do it again.

27:54All those days ago. He just started following me on Twitter. And he only follows about 500 people. And he occasionally, just quite passive-aggressively, likes the old tweet of mine. Just let me know he's there. It's like he's saying, I see you. I know what you're saying about me. Yeah.

28:09Luke Moore: Is that why you hide private security outside your L's? No, I'm wondering. I'm constantly looking at the old phone to see if he's going to invite me on the High Performance Podcast. This is a question for Vish only. Who'd win in a fight, Jake or Luke? Oh, it's one of those. It's one of those. I wouldn't... You get those kind of... I don't rate myself as a fighter. I've not ever really been much of a fighter, but I will back myself if I have to. but there's occasions where you think I cannot lose in that situation I'd honestly and I'm a very proud father I'd fucking die rather than lose to Jack Lombe just cannot lose it cannot lose it the way you said the father bit I thought you were going to hit him with your son no I've got a lot to live for I mean I've got a lot to live for loads to live for like the amount of people that would be ah just beside themselves I could not lose to it in a fight there's a few people I couldn't lose in a fight to it would just be too embarrassing Humphrey me Jim Campbell Gianni and Fantino I'm not right about you two Little Luke Little Luke I think the fact that he's not got any legs is a problem but I think he'd go I think he definitely could go yeah thanks for listening to Ramble Uncut head over to patreon.com to get these shows straight into your podcast app every single Wednesday that's patreon.com forward slash football ramble to sign up now we'll see you there

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