Ramble Uncut: The holy manager

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3:27Pete Donaldson: Hello, Ramblers. Marcus here. You're about to hear Ramble Uncut, the bonus episode our Football Ramble patron subscribers get every single Wednesday. It's an extra laid-back dose of the Ramble, covering all the nonsense that the football sometimes gets in the way of. Simply put, for just$5 a month, you get even more brilliant nonsense straight from the corners of the internet than only Pete Donaldson searches. You'll also get access to the Discord, where you can chat with other Ramble listeners, plus daily episodes of the Ramble on the continent and up front, completely ad-free. So if you like what you hear today, and of course you will, just head to patreon.com forward slash football ramble.

4:07Pete Donaldson: That's patreon.com forward slash football ramble and sign up today. Right, on with the show.

4:16Pete Donaldson: Ah boys, here we are again. One last crack at the big time, Pete. Yes. You're dressed for the occasion. What's your tactic to break through to the mainstream this time? Go for the knees and then the testicles and then work upwards from there. The mainstream. Through the trunk. Hit the mainstream's kneecaps. Samurai sword into the lower intestines and then just up like that. Do you know what? I like that because that is what Churchill was saying in the Second World War. Go through the soft underbelly of Europe over in Italy. Right. Is that the soft underbelly of Europe? He thought so, but they didn't do it.

4:45Pete Donaldson: He was outvoted. It's a leather boot for crying out loud. An American man and a Soviet man. And so they did the D-Day business instead. American man and a Soviet man. Yeah, together again. I went to watch Operation Mincemeat on Saturday, which was in some way related to that. Is it good? Brilliant. What was Operation Mincemeat? Operation Mincemeat. Second World War. It's based on a book by Ben McIntyre of a real-life operation where to get a load of German troops moved from Sicily to Sardinia so they could invade Sicily, they found a dead homeless chap. That's right. Yes. Built a whole story around him.

5:24Dropped him off a boat looking like he crashed a plane. And he had loads of plans and a briefcase that he was handcuffed to and it went all the way up to Berlin. Spoilers. It worked. You've got to be pleased. Give people a chance. We'll never know, will we?

5:39Pete Donaldson: We will never know what happened. But yeah, there we go. That's nice, that. Anyway. You said, Marcus, that you... It's been made into a musical. It's very funny. Okay, good. Well, okay. Let's start with an opening question. With not dead homeless men. You have to answer this, right? Right. Do I? Favourite dictator. You can't answer that. Is there any fun ones? I don't think there's really any fun ones. You know what you're doing, saying that to me. You know what you're doing. Yeah. Well, would you like to answer that question? That's my supplementary question. I don't know. Gaddafi had a bit of style in me.

6:12Start with him. There you go. Do you always find it interesting when you see them, when they inevitably get toppled, the facial expressions they make when they've been toppled? Right. Because obviously they're so carefully curated, aren't they? And usually got a lot of plastic surgery done as well. When you see Saddam Hussein with the big beard in that little hole, it's like completely... Saying he's rated in the gorshiers. Yeah, it's completely the opposite to what you're used to seeing. We just found you in a pipe, mate. Yeah.

6:36Pete Donaldson: As that steward said to the Manchester City fan when he celebrated in the Fuller Men and didn't want to be chucked out. It's not a conversation. Yeah. It's not a conversation. Yeah, it's true. It's not a conversation. You get out. Yeah, we've got particular sort of policy. I saw a Man City fan in the posh Fulham stand on a far day of last season punch another Man City fan in the back of the head. Was it Noel and Liam Gallagher? Neither the Gallagher brothers. Did he slowly eat a Twix afterwards? Oh, that was good. That bloke in the front row at Wembley. The Gallagher brothers were there in the same box.

7:09Pete Donaldson: They were. They're pals now, aren't they? They are, they're back together. They're pals are back together. United by millions of dollars. Is that they're counting their money? Oh, you could say pounds. They'll probably get paid in pounds, Peter. Well, we don't know. What's the strongest amount of money? Who cares? Who cares? If you just want to spend it here. You brought it up. He said, Noel Gallagher was on the radio saying that there were Arsenal boxers were either side of them. And he'll say, he said, all I'll say is, Liam, let them know that he was there. Nothing would undermine the respect I have for the songs that Noel Gallagher has brought to the UK and beyond than hearing him talk about football.

7:42Right. Nothing will threaten to undermine it more.

7:45Pete Donaldson: What a shame. Yeah. Well, I've never met Noel or Liam Gallagher, which is probably for the best. Yeah, because you ejaculate all over them. That would be a real surprise. Okay, okay. Meet me halfway. Meet me halfway. You ejaculate in your pants. Do you reckon anyone's kind of... There was a guy who had like a botched back operation and he would frequently just explode in his pants. And he couldn't leave the house Why couldn't he leave the house? Because you can't have a man jizzing everywhere All the time No one's going to know How old is he? He was sort of in his 40s, 50s So if he needs to do some shopping Straight after that You've got about half an hour It's like me taking a guy rear shit in front of David Mitchell I miscalculated how much time I had You're saying How often is he doing it?

8:36I just think it would be very difficult to... It's pretty constant. He's constantly orgasming. What was the botched back job? How badly could that go? The botched back job, yeah. Which is what he was doing to someone in front of him on the bus, presumably. You just have to be very careful. You take a wrong turn, you're presented by some school gates, and you're going to hospital.

8:55Pete Donaldson: Right. Because everyone's going to fill you in. Oh, dearie me. So, at least of your worries. At least of your worries. No worries. Pete, I think it's one of those ones which happens quite a lot when I'm broadcasting with you. I want to hear more, but I'm also very conscious of the listener involved so he's looking it up he's googling it you carry on he'll google it constantly jizzed yeah you're not going to get the results you want doing that on the work wifi I was about to say man has 100 orgasms a day no rest no place to say from his incessant ejaculation 100 a day we can work with that hang on what's the publication?

9:24GQ

9:25Pete Donaldson: GQ right so Dale Decker a Wisconsin father who gained media attention in 2014 for a condition that caused an experience of 200 orgasms a day so if he's doing 100 a day that's basically 14 and a half and it's basically one every 14 and a half minutes. So there's certain tasks he could do outside the house. What does he do though? Does he walk around with like a public like a little potable toilet or something? A pot or potty? So dehydrated. I was about to say he must look like Keith Richards after a day in the sun. Do you know what I mean? He looks like a fucking raisin. He's absolutely dehydrated.

9:58He looks like one of them little

9:59Pete Donaldson: Californian raisins singing do do do do. There you go. It's an old reference. Very old. But a great one though. Anyway, I don't think when Bruno said to us earlier, producer Bruno, that we're going to put this on the main feed, I don't think he was hoping for this. Bruno knows us, I think. He's all right. He knows what he's doing. Marcus, we did a teaser trailer yesterday about some of the things we're going to talk about. Today, we did today. You said you were going to talk about... You don't have to pretend. Well, it's tomorrow for the rain feed, isn't it? Oh, is it? Yeah, because it's going to be releasing the main feed on Thursday.

10:26Is that right? That's the main feed. Bruno's nodding. Stick with me. You'll be fine. Sorry about this, everyone. You teaser-trailered a politician you met who mugged you off. Now I know who it was Because you told me this story before Ex-politician But are you ever an ex-politician? Ex-MP

10:40Pete Donaldson: Couldn't say to Tony Blair No Exactly I'd say politician ex-MP No, okay I think that's nice It's like when he got a call On the president When they stopped being the president Yeah But they don't have any kings In that country No, no kings No kings Yeah They hate colonialism Anti-colonious colonists Yeah, yeah, exactly Carry on Alright Everything's politics, isn't it? Michael Portillo There he is It was Michael Portillo It was Michael Portillo We were in Poland Was he wearing some red trousers? He was wearing red trousers on He wasn't wearing he was wearing a it wasn't yellow it was more of a gold coloured sort of blazer right he looked great to be fair he does look good he always looks good if you like that look he's nailed it and he's no excuse not to nail him I understand him and Ashdown the fuck boys of the MP world Ashdown was great Ashdown was great how old do you reckon Patillo is?

11:26Pete Donaldson: he's one of those guys who a lot older than you think he is I reckon he's about 78 no he's 72 72 that's why Isn't that outrageous? Talk to me about middle names for Portillo. Do you want to know what his middle names are? Well, his name is Spanish, isn't it? It's Portillo, is how you would say it. So I reckon he's probably got a Spanish... Yeah, his dad was a Spanish Republican, I think. That's right, yeah. Quite an incredible story, because Portillo was originally, when he was growing up, there's a lot of words, like into the Labour Party, and then he very much became a Tory, of course. His dad fled General Franco.

11:57Yes.

11:58Pete Donaldson: I don't know. I reckon you've got a WAN in there, and I reckon you've... No, Carlos. Carlos. Xavier is one of them. Okay, alright, so we're on the right lines. And the other one's Denzil. Denzil or Denzel? Denzil. Michael, Denzil, Xavier, Portillo. Lovely. You met him in Poland, carry on. And I addressed him as his full name. No, but you put him in the story. So I was in Krakow and he was doing his train documentary. Right. Doing your little train documentary. Yeah, exactly. That's why he didn't. Forgive me if I've said this before on the show, but you know, I'm going to say it again, damn it all.

12:33Pete Donaldson: And I sometimes, and I know you boys can slag me off about this, sometimes if you see a celebrity and I think, you know what? What's the worst that could happen? Just don't talk to them. Yeah, but that's why, Peter, but sometimes curiosity gets me. Curiosity gets me. And I think, what would they say? Like the time. A man who's in a train track, he's probably going to be on the way to... I didn't do it mid-link. I respect a fellow professional. Yeah, stop talking about the Holocaust, mate. Can we just talk about this trend, please? How many takes? I'll produce about three or four. Do you think Fulham will finish harder than 12th?

13:10Pete Donaldson: So like the time when I saw Gordon Ramsay down in South London, the area of Battersea in South London, he's got a pizza place down there by Battersea Power Station. You know, it's been redeveloped. There's lots of horrendously... I like that at Battersea Power Station. Yeah, horrendously expensive. But anyway, that's nice for a stroll around. Anyway, my mate and I were sat down there and he walked past. And I just thought, what would he say? Like again, I just went, don't be rude. None of that kind of thing. And I just shouted out, we love you, Gordon. And he just shouted out, hi guys, you all right?

13:37Pete Donaldson: And he waved. We love you, Gordon. Yeah, but why not? No more kings. Yeah. No kings, please. King Gordon. King chef. He gets the compliment. He gets the compliment. And I get a little something back. Yeah. It's a lovely old job. There are some people which, yes, you perhaps shouldn't have engaged. And maybe Portillo was one. Adolf Hitler. Don't engage with him. Adolf Hitler. It's a bit difficult now. Well, I'm just saying that anyone like that, don't engage with them. By the way, are you getting my DMs on Instagram? Yes, I am. Right. Yeah, annoying. Annoying DMs. You know what they think he was doing to Vish?

14:10He's doing it to me now. Right. So I'm posting a few golf photos. Yeah. The last two I've got, I've posted one picture of my club, Golf Harris.

14:19Pete Donaldson: I'm getting involved in this. I'm going to set a reminder. I knew I wouldn't get to the third. He would go stop this, so I had to ramp it up with the second one. The second one, picture of me out swinging a golf club, a golf Hitler. Look how happy he is I'm back on board Thank you for saying that You know why I've not replied Because by this reaction You can tell It's just for him It's just for him It's not for He doesn't It's not about me Now it's for everybody It is for everybody I knew Pete would be involved Are you still doing Vish as well? When I get the chance Yeah Yeah yeah yeah When I get the chance Don't overload yourself So Portillo was rude to you Was he?

14:51Pete Donaldson: Well I kind of I did mess it up Because obviously He was on the programme On the BBC That was after Question Time The political show this week That's right yeah Which I thought was really good, actually. I enjoyed it, yeah. Whatever your political... I thought it was a genuine sort of chat where... Before Diane Abbott was being routinely abused every single day for leaving the house. Yeah. She was on telly and she was all right at it. Yeah, and whatever your political affiliation, I thought that was a calm and sensible debate. Unlike question time often. Anyway, I did mess this up a bit because I went in, he was there, and they stopped filming, they were sort of milling around.

15:20Pete Donaldson: It was only him and a couple of other camera guys. And I thought, it's a fellow Englishman, you know... Abroad. Also wearing a gold blazer. Also wearing a pith helmet. Also being rude to the locals, right? I thought, you know, and I was just sort of struck up and went, oh, hi, Michael. And I messed it up. I went, big fan of the week. And he went, this week. Oh, no. That's what he said. Oh, no. First of all, Michael, I'd have gone with Mr. Portillo, I think. Should have done. Should have done. Who did? Sorry, Marcus. I mean, that was basically the highlight of it. And I said, oh, yeah, this week.

15:56Pete Donaldson: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I said, are you shooting a train documentary? He went, yes, that's what we're doing. And I got the impression that... That was the end of it. Like, never as a man, not wanted to talk to me more than that. And I've had a few over the years. Well, I was going to say, read the room. You keep walking, yeah, you keep turning up. That's true. And I said, well, good luck with it all. And off I went into the middle of the sunny afternoon. I once said to the specials, I was introduced to one of their songs, and I said, here's a message to you, Rudy. And he went, it's just a message to you.

16:28Oh, really? Oh, fuck off. Is that what the song's called? Yeah, it's not called. Okay, that's quite interesting, though. A bit of pedantry I'm interested in. Yeah. I should have known. Should I have known? Do I care? Probably not.

16:38Pete Donaldson: You've rubbed up a few celebs. Mad Frankie Fraser? That's the last one. Yeah, they're all terrible to their degree. The Mad Frankie Fraser one was good. Yeah, I like that one. Yeah, they're all pretty terrible. Pete reeled in Mad Frankie Fraser. For those younger listeners who don't know who he is, was a guy who basically made his career out of being a kind of, you know, a cockney gangster back in the days of the Krays and stuff. And he was called, his nickname was Mad, Frankie Fraser. You interviewed him for a book or something he was putting out, weren't you? And you interviewed him. Over the phone.

17:09Over the phone. He wouldn't have done it in person.

17:12Pete Donaldson: No, I wouldn't have done it in person. Reeled him with a couple of questions about his life. And then you did a scripted, very well observed, I thought, critique of him being essentially, how do you feel you've made how do you feel after you've made a career out of being essentially just a reprehensible thug preying on the most vulnerable people in society blah blah blah and he just hung up the phone didn't he yeah he didn't fancy or his person did he didn't want that smoke he didn't want it no did you broadcast that question yeah you went around his gaff to get a follow up and he didn't answer good stuff yeah I like that

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20:15Pete Donaldson: Have you ever met a celeb which you wish you'd spoken to or you wish you hadn't spoken to? I don't really go up to people. I'm too frightened. Right. That's not true. No, it is. I don't go up to people. It does depend on the context, of course. Because if it's in a working kind of context and whatnot and you kind of... Yeah, but in a working context, you've got to be professional. You can't be going over to them and being like, can they have your autograph or a photo? You regretted standing next to Lenny Kravitz, didn't you? That was in the workplace as well, though. Yeah. He had a really bad BO.

20:41I told you before, Lenny Kravitz is the most BO person I've ever smelt. Fergie from Black Eyed Peas was the sweatiest person I've ever seen. But I think she had just come off the tube on a summer's day, I think. She was very, very sweaty. Yeah, that's understandable, though. I said Jake Shears from Scissor Sisters was the handsomest man I've ever seen. And I was a present company excluded, of course. And he was very nice. I don't really think... The one person that was the nicest guy in the world who I was bowled over by his charisma I've said this to you before Pete and it came from nowhere is Shane Ritchie oh that's not a surprise I've never seen someone work a room like Shane Ritchie he was amazing imagine being at the the tricker was with him he sparkled he's in that Bradley Walsh kind of mode he shimmered around the room

21:27Pete Donaldson: yes if he was Bradley Walsh dialed up to a million and his son up to a billion that's true yeah exactly that is true yeah I've been in the same room as Liam Gallagher but I didn't talk to him Have you really? Yeah, that was on the Capital Radio fundraiser for the tsunami, the Boxing Day tsunami. Was that one of the phones? Do you regret speaking? He was in the room. He did a little acoustic thing. That's nice. Did you regret that time when you, I say spoke, to Ronan Keating? I shouted at Ronan Keating and I do regret it. Do you know what? I love this. What's really bad is that, so I'll tell you what happened.

22:01Pete Donaldson: Always owns Ronan Keating. I was screaming out the window, mucking about at a premiere and shouting different things. We were recording the ramble. Upstairs. Yeah, there was a premier. In Leicester Square. I shouted all these different song titles out to try and get a reaction out. Ronan, life's a roller coaster, yeah? You've just got to ride it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think of that, eh? You'd have made a good, like, builder, I think. Yeah, yeah. Well, I've got no practical skills, though. Yeah. I'm very lazy. Shouting at people. Shouting at Adolf Hitler. Do you know what? Shouting at Adolf Hitler at Ronan Keaton in Leicester Square.

22:33Pete Donaldson: No, Adolf. I was saying Adolf. I was saying Adolf. he loves he loves a pigeon putt it was a very poorly conceived pun it's not a hate crime not poorly conceived anyway years later we were doing a thing about we're trying to get a softball interview for someone and we were going through all the list of of all the people that could do the interview and unanimously the nicest bloke in the whole of entertainment came back every single person said oh Ronan Keaton he's the nicest guy in the world we should definitely use Ronan and I felt even worse then. You should do. It was the exuberance of youth, what can I say?

23:12Anyway, should we do a little bit of football chat?

23:14Pete Donaldson: You can do, yeah. We want to talk about the manager in Italy who dressed as a priest, right? Yeah, ninth tier Italian football. Because we remember we were talking not that long ago on one of our Amazon Prime shows about Jose Mourinho and some of his antics and I thought this is great stuff. Ninth tier Italian football. There was a manager of one of the teams, or a coach, if you like. And he disguised himself as a priest in order to attend a match back in October for which he was banned. You can't question him in Italy. Should we get Pete to name him? Do his name, Pete. Do his name in Italian style.

23:50Where are we now?

23:50Pete Donaldson: I'm not following the... Because I'm not reading it! Matteo Cicceri. Cicceri, I should say. Why would you dress up as someone who would stick out? Could you not just dress up as anybody else? He's a priest. You're not sticking out as a priest in Italy, are you? No. you're not going to be questioned I've seen Dan Brown's Angels and Demons and you've read the book Da Vinci Code there's priests everywhere they're very handsome but you can't trust them although would you would suspicions be aroused if the priest gathered Diedefen and Jeffen well not that gathered the players before the start of the match in an area adjacent to the sports facility to announce the line up and gave during the match technical, tactical instructions to his team by positioning himself on a ladder wearing a cassock.

24:41I've got a wafer. You can't stop me. I've got a wafer. This is God-given right. I've got a wafer. The power of the technical area compels you. Just swigging the red wine. Yeah. Is it a U-wafer? Pete, you've stood on that. It's very good. It's very good. Do you, puns are terrible. At golf. Frequently, at golf. Do you not think a cassock is problematic on a ladder? So you're going to get your foot on that and you're going to slip. Very least, a gust of wind could give you a Marilyn Monroe moment. Or if you're the guy who jackalakes 50 times a day, you're a big trouble. What about Leslie Nielsen

25:15Pete Donaldson: might be at the bottom of the ladder and look up and go, nice beaver. Although it'd be unlikely. Who are you and how'd you get in here? I'm a locksmith. Well, I'm a locksmith. What a man, what a man. I think, I'm surprised no one's done this before, particularly in that part of the world. Because what it does is it combines almost the perfect crime because it's like people don't really want to tell men of the cloth they can't do something because they feel disrespectful it's also gathering people around gathering oh please I want to systematically abuse children oh please let me do it I know it's good because I tell it's good because Bruno's just tapping away yeah always good when I mentioned the holocaust earlier I saw him tapping it was legitimate any more you're going to do even though it was legitimate a legitimate mention he's in Krakow clearly to do something about the Holocaust and the train no he was having he was having a and he's being bothered by Marcus do you know what you actually we did my mate and I went a couple of days early to do that but it was actually I tried to get her to be in that football I tried it was actually a stag do and I thought this is not a stag do activity it's not a stag do activity we have to go out a couple of days early to pay our respects and to see a very very important part of this trip and good for you for doing so thank you I think I think it's actually quite a clever ruse this because like I said people don't want to question priests quite insensitively detailed when you're giving a team talk don't rise to it it just makes it worse don't rise again to it it's like a little ant if you let him annoy you we slap an ant for the rest of the day and then before you're pouring boiling water down in the nest well I might have to get it blessed beforehand.

27:00And then be stronger. And the team talk is almost a bit like a priest addressing a flock, right? So you could feasibly say from a distance, I'm just giving him the holy sacrament. Text them. Father Intintola and the Sopranos.

27:13Pete Donaldson: So you've been very generous and very understanding of what he's tried to do there. I'm just trying to get through this. However, however, Luke, however, do you think, so the priest shouting tactical instructions, that's a bit like, It depends how he says it. Right. Okay, well let me go on. In the 37th minute, the second half, after the opposing team had scored a goal, he hit the field of play and kicked an opposing player. Yeah. I mean, that's getting harder to defend. And also in the second half, he ran on to celebrate a goal with his players. No, I like that. Back and forth. Yeah. Yes! You mentioned the guy who thought, there's no point doing it if you're going to do that.

27:51You might just take it off.

27:53Pete Donaldson: You'll be more comfortable. A clean discipline record is next to godliness. Well, there you go. He received, last week he received a four month suspension. The last right. He got the last right. Yeah, he had to confess and he received a four month suspension and a 500 euro fine. Okay, I just imagined him just doing the dentist. Ninth tier, remember? Got a water bottle doing the dentist. It's holy water. It's holy water. We were threatened with constant yellow cards in the 11th side at the weekend because there was a child's match happening next to us. And you kept swearing. Well, certain people were swearing.

28:28I thought you were a father. I wasn't swearing. You were in bins again. You were in bins again. Got the cup final. 3-1 win. Hey, how?

28:36Pete Donaldson: Where is it? We're coming. I'm at WrestleMania. I can't make it. You can't even turn up at a cup final. You're not going to do a kepper in the final. Oi, he's not even playing in his team. Have you ever been in a cup? Have you ever played in a cup final? Never played in a cup final. Can I just say, and this is going to sound a bit harsh on Pete. I've had it robbed by Hulk Hogan. Let me sound... Don't blame Hulk. Let me just say something about this. if you've got Pete as a teammate in the football team it's already difficult you're up against it and then he comes and says to you I can't come and play in the cup I'm going to wrestle mate I'm going to fuck off absolute nerd get out of the fucking changing room Peter before we go come back dressed as a priest you're going to don't he will you are going to Damien Priest the wrestler there we go there's your link you're going to fly to wherever WrestleMania is because I assume it's in America where is it this time?

29:22I might get through security you might not

29:24Pete Donaldson: Well, I might phone ahead. You mentioned airline issues. Right, yeah. I think we've got time for a little bit of that. I didn't have anything in particular, to be honest. You promised the listeners. Yeah, but... You better make something up quick. Yeah. You're going to Paradise, Nevada. I'm going to... What? That's where it is, Paradise, Nevada. What's Paradise, Nevada? Well, you'll find out. Las Vegas is dead. We went there last year for WrestleMania, and Las Vegas is fucking dead. Like, because... Paradise is the city next to Las Vegas. I see. You should know this if you're going. You should, really.

29:53the part of the it's a great place to do Wrestlemania airline issues come on stuff like that Marcus doesn't have any airline issues why'd you fucking say you did then I said on the main show yeah make one up so I was gonna say airline disasters and then I remembered about there was an airline disaster happened so I was like that's why I can't do one you bollockless little twat say make one up make one up now oh the food's not very nice and what is that about the peanuts you can't eat peanuts when someone's got peanut allergy there you go oh I don't like pretzels actually I honestly didn't think

30:26Pete Donaldson: it said peanut for us I thought blimey you could get away with that in first class yeah exactly never been in never dirtied my boots I've never had first class ask me never turn left ask me have you had first class no thank you for listening to Ramble Uncut head over to patreon.com forward slash football ramble to get that delivered straight into your podcast app every single Wednesday that's patreon.com forward slash Football Ramble to sign up right now. See you there.

31:04The Football Ramble is a Stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network.

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