Ramble Uncut: Who stole Napoleon's todger?

0:11Hello Ramblers, Marcus here. You're about to hear Ramble uncut. The bonus episode our Football Ramble Patreon subscribers get every single Wednesday. It's an extra laid-back dose of the Ramble covering all the nonsense that the football sometimes gets in the way of. Simply put, for just five bucks a month, you'll get even more brilliant nonsense from the depths of Pete Donaldson's brain and beyond every single week, plus access to the Discord, where you can chat with our other Ramble listeners. You'll also get every episode of the Ramble on the continent and up front completely ad-free. So if you like what you hear today, and of course you will, just head to patreon.com forward slash football ramble.

0:47That's patreon.com forward slash football ramble and sign up today. Right, on with the show. You're chuckling because you said something and I didn't know what it was. What? Cagney and Lacey. Who? You've heard of Cagney and Lacey. They're an old sort of detective duo. Yeah. Quite obscure, to be fair, from the 80s maybe. Yeah, not that obscure. Cagney and Lacey. Yeah, Cagney and Lacey were two US-based crime fighters two women who would fight crime. Me and my mum used to watch it quite a lot and I remember my mum going upstairs to tidy up the house or something and I was downstairs and she missed a fair whack of one of the episodes and I recreated it in Lego.

1:29It was one of my earliest memories recreating an episode of Cagney and Lacey with some Lego. Wow, 1982. One of the most kicking soundtracks you're ever going to hear on the internet. Well worth a Google. Really?

1:55I've never heard of it, but I thought you were veering on being so accurate we could get done for a couple of years. I don't know what TV themes are legally, but it seems like in the new world of podcasts, people just play whatever they want. Nobody seems to be bothered about it. And by the time the record companies get their shit together, there'll be a situation where all of the podcast companies will be out of business anyway. So, yeah. How are you going to chase that money? Well, I'm not. All right, fine. I'll give you a little... This one's got lyrics. I'll talk you through the lyrics, shall I?

2:27Right. Of my favourite detective duo. Right. It starts off by saying... Is it Sharky and George? Yeah, it is. Is it, actually?

2:38Jim, give us your favourite crime. At least let me do the verse. Come on, do the verse. All you scoundrels, all you filth. Sharky moves... I mean, it was a giveaway there. Sharky moves fast and is not kidding. Gangsters, hoodlums, thugs and robbers. They've got them all, really, I think. George gets there and crime gets clobbered. Sharky and George, the crime busters of the sea. Sharky and George, clear up any mystery. I'm going to leave the room. Jim's going to say his favourite crime-fighting juror from film or television. I'm going to come back in and tell the listeners precisely who it is.

3:12Go on, then. Right, Jim, who do you think? He can't hear. He has left the room, which is very unprofessional, really. Come on, hurry up. I'm going to go with Rosemary and Thyme, and let's see what he's got for that. Have you not heard of that? Yeah. I'm just Googling something else. Sure. You weren't familiar with the term Edgelord the other day, were you? Is it Turner and Hooch? Oh, it's not. No, it's TV. It's TV. It's TV. TV. Is it Bergerac and Bergerac? I can't think of another one. Lovely to hear about it. Bergerac theme tune was about... Bangers. Turner and Hooch would have been better. I went for Rosemary and Thyme just to see how psychic you are.

3:52You're so ITV. Yeah, he went... Don't recommend it. Two more women. How about Officer Dibble? I was a big fan of him because he was so bad at solving crime. Officer Dibble from the Thin Blue Line. No, from Top Cat. I always found Top Cat. Blimey, what? The Thin Blue Line. Remember that? I do with Rowan Atkinson. Blimey. I always found Top Cat quite funny as a premise because he's a con man, basically, isn't he? While he's a cat and while he's a sort of street urchin, he's also fundamentally teaching children the virtues of being a con man and how it's cool to be a con man. He's an anti-hero, isn't he?

4:29He is, yeah. Putting a coin on a string so that when you put it to use a pair of phone, you pull it back out again. Would you say... Absolutely fine. Was Top Cat a con man or was it just Spiv? No, Spiv is... Spiv's different. He dressed like a Spiv. He wore a straw border and not trousers. He didn't have a little Spiv moustache. A Spiv, dictionary definition, a man, typically a flashy dresser, who makes a living by disreputable dealings. Yeah, exactly. You know who played my favourite Spiv on the silver screen? That would be, of course, Brucey, wouldn't it? Bruce Forsythe. Bruce Forsythe. What, he did a bit of acting?

5:02Bedknobs and broomsticks. Brucey was in Bedknobs and Broomsticks. What? Yes. I remember saying this to Jim, and Jim didn't realise. Oh my god So you remember Talking of detectives Who else was in Bedknobs and Broomsticks Dick Van Dyke Dick Van Dyke Not where I was going Was he in that He's sad because All his friends are dead I'm down on myself Right Was Angela Lansbury in it Yes Angela Lansbury Oh so it's Murder She Wrote Yes exactly Another fantastic one I didn't just make a It wasn't there It was Julia Roberts Remember on Pete's Film Club We did an episode Of Ironside No Was it Ironside Where they saved the World Cup No No Who's the one Who saved the World Cup No Well that was Pickles the dog No No it was It was the FA Cup No it was the World Cup And it was botulism Were they Arsenal ones No no no no He was a good detective though It was an American detective And he saved the World Cup Sylvester Stallone From botulism A chilli dog proprietor Was making chilli dogs Oh yeah And he accidentally left A big bucket Big bag of soup full of rubbish and it managed to get back into the waterline and everyone was getting ill.

6:15Everyone was really, really unwell. It wasn't Ironside. It was... I don't remember this film. Nick, this was Soccer Dog, right? No, it wasn't Soccer Dog. It was a TV detective like Korjak who for some bloody reason I forgot. And he served the World Cup. Right. I don't think we watched that in your film club. We did watch it. We did watch it. I forced you to watch it. You and I obviously just erased all that crap from them. Maybe we weren't on that show. Maybe we were lucky. What was your least... From Pete's Film Club during the little series we did during COVID. That three-hour Bollywood one was a hard watch.

6:43It was a long one. What was that, Dan of Dan Gold? Dan of Dan Gold. It was set in London, of course. Yeah. It was so long. It was like three hours. Oh, my God. It was. Playing for Keeps. Playing for Keeps we watched. The Gerard Butler vehicle was pretty bad. But Playing for Keeps, right, it is a Hollywood production. Yeah. And it's got Gerard Butler in. And one or two. In fact, there was... Who were the other actors in it? Jessica Biel, Dennis Quaid. Dennis Quaid's in it, right. Yeah. You know, there's a good cast, but it was a slog. It was a hard watch. It was shite. I think the one that I enjoyed the least was because I was hungover.

7:18Oh, so this is your fault? Yeah, absolutely. But the experience was compounded by my own actions. But it was the one with Ali McCoyst in it. Oh, that's harsh. And Robert Duvall. You don't know the scale of the hangover I had. Imagine if you had watched Soccer Dog 2 or whatever we watched. Soccer Dog was really bad. It can't be stated enough. I mean, if you look at that title, you think surely I should enjoy both elements of that. You'd have preferred football pooch. Absolutely, I would have preferred football pooch. Because it would be different from Soccer Dove, which cannot really reasonably have been worse.

7:57Nick Moran was in it, wasn't he? From Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. It's a sad state of affairs to see him in that situation. And also, it was set in Scotland, wasn't it? but it was clearly just shot in LA. In a park. They couldn't disguise the fact that he was in LA. You could see the Hollywood sign. It's kind of like our parliament. I'm from Scotland. Was it, I mean, the Ali McCoy's one, what was that called? I can't remember, but Robert Duval was in it. So Robert Duval with his very, very interesting attempt at a Scottish accent. Yeah, it was. But he always looked confused in it. A shot at glory.

8:35Shot at glory. If you'd have named a film, you know, Ali McCoy at that time, call it Top Shagger, because that's all he was doing. It's a Scottish reference, and that's all he was doing at the time, so it's perfect. You could probably convince Americans that shagger is some sort of football-related term as well. Oh, massively. But isn't it a baseball term? Right, when you like, hang on. I like shagger. I was about to Google that. No, don't worry about it. Not on the Wi-Fi, please. I don't agree with that in the workplace. I think yeah It's something to collect a ball To shag a ball in baseball Yes Something like that Yeah shagging a ball yeah Right It's fine What are you talking about?

9:14Quincy was the TV show Where he saved the World Cup And you did watch it And you should remember it more fondly Because he saved the World Cup Marcus There was that dreadful one with Pele in it Yeah that was Why say dreadful? They were all dreadful Yeah they're all pretty poor What about that Portuguese one? Diamantino? I quite like that one because it was so odd and it was barely a football movie and it wasn't yeah and it was really abstract wasn't it it was proper mad the guy looked like Granit Xhaka but he was clearly based on Ronaldo and every time he was sort of through on goal he'd kind of go into this meditative state whereas was it rabbits?

9:50yeah he saw giant rabbits running alongside him and it was quite surreal and like visually interesting it was the best film we watched very very easily by a country man yeah I think so but the older one which got me thinking with this chat was the one when it was based around Arsenal it was black and white the Arsenal stadium mystery the Arsenal stadium mystery but all things considered I thought that was mad did you I was actually talking about maybe doing another film club this Christmas yeah you threatened us with that count me out count me right out of that if anybody has any football films that we didn't get involved with then keep it to yourself Soccer Dog 2 do let us know on the Discord goal 3 was the worst one oh yeah we did do that was the worst one Goal 3 was...

10:33Had no money left in it. Yeah, it was an insult to the previous two goal movies as well. Just completely unrelated. But if it's a football or soccer movie we've not done, do get in touch. Get involved on the Discord. Get involved in the YouTube comments. And we will ignore them. And we will not ignore them. I will sit these idiots down, and during a very busy, festive football period, they're going to watch some abhorrent cinema. We're not doing that. Pete's Film Club, it's back. You guys... I didn't watch the FIFA film. No, yes. Oh, yeah, I watched that, yeah. With Tim Roth. Tim Roth. Not Tim Robbins.

11:06Shira Dapidia and Tim Roth. Didn't you take in the coin? You had to pay a few quid to get on with that, didn't you? I think I illegally downloaded it and then distributed it, and I am absolutely fine with that. You'll end up in one of those FIFA courts. From the 2010 World Cup. We're sure they've still got all the flat pack. When we went to Jovo, were we staying near the FIFA court? We saw a sign for it, didn't we? I can't remember. FIFA court. We were like, oh, I better not go there. Is that for us? I don't know. It's the Voovoozella crimes. When you were trying to get hold of that, what was it?

11:38I can't remember. You said it was like 30 quid or something because it was one of those films that got released and everyone was a bit like, well, we're not watching that. Yeah, and then some maniac seeded it on a Torrent site and I got it that way. United Passions. United Passions. Oh, you thought it was something else. Yeah. That you were trying to download from a Torrent site. I was downloading gigabytes of a big haul of blue movies. happen to get it. Like when they grab the wrong kind of fish when they're fishing for, when they actually get a dolphin caught in a net. Yeah. What a bonus they shout and they eat the dolphin.

12:11I think that's how fishing works. It's where we get tuna from, isn't it? No, no, we get tuna from. It's really dolphin. Oh, no. I like a bit of tuna. John West, what are you playing at? John West. I mean, if we were to go to North America for the World Cup, then considering some of the things that have been said on this podcast, I think, even just today, I think there would be very much a hand on the shoulder of customs. And what have you been saying about our beloved president? I always say Canada or Mexico is all I'm saying. We are open to sponsors, but we have to say Canada or Mexico. And visa sponsorships as well.

12:53Presumably, yeah. Put us in the shop window. Yeah. When we did a North American tour, like... Getting a visa for North America is so bloody expensive. And even then, I don't think we got the right ones because I got stopped at, I think, Vegas security and they told me that my visa was incorrect. Even though it expired, were you in Vegas? Jim, that is news to me. We went to New York, Chicago and Toronto. Slightly generous to call it a North American tour. At some point, you decided to go to Milwaukee. Yeah. We know that. The Vegas of, I don't know where it is. Illinois. The look Jim and I just shot at each other.

13:30Vegas. Well, I went to Vegas a couple of years after that to go on the Trestlemania, you see. Oh, yeah, no. And the man stopped me and said, you shouldn't have had that visa. That's for actual footballers. I went, I can play a bit, mate. I'm a ballerman boy. Hey, let me do a couple of keep-ups. Yeah. I mean, I was under the impression that if you wanted to go and do workout there, then we all had to be together. Oh, right. Oh, you've got to be with the band. Got to be together. This is my solo material. Right. They're like, they're not interested in that. So when I did my ping pong show in Vegas.

13:58an erotic football ramble experience. Did you film club? Next to Carrot Top. Yeah, this is not linked to football enough. Oh, blimey. It's difficult. It's difficult to put on shows out there. It's very difficult. It is very difficult. I don't know.

14:21Is it as difficult and as expensive to get your visa to America or ship bits of Old Wembley to Chile? Well, there's a link for you. Yeah, you think the Chile one. Let's start import tax. There we go. Yeah, get your tariffs out for the lads. Get your tariffs out, yeah. So did you notice that the two Royal Tunnel gates from Old Wembley are now preserved in a museum in Santiago in Chile? I do now. Yeah. As in like, not the arches. No, they're the arches. Yeah, sure. So the gate, I mean, it's just a gate. And the towers, not the towers. Very much the gates. The reason I wanted clarification is because, is this definitely the gates?

15:05Is the man who's imported these to be mugged off? I think it is the gates. I'm convinced. I believe. Hashtag I believe. So when Wembley was getting bulldozed, old Wembley in 2001. It wasn't like an accident. They let some bulldozers in. Very much so. Some wild bulldozers came in. It was just before YouTube pranksters. They're bulldozed Wembley. They put a vape shop there. Can't believe you've done this. It would be a vape shop, wouldn't it? It would be a big vape shop. They've got all the new flats. All they need is a vape shop. And hey, it's modern London. So Wembley was getting done over by the bulldozers.

15:47Turned over by the bulldozers. Wild bulldozers.

15:52And they were going to get rid of some of the bits. I think the towers, they were preserved. Right, okay. If I remember correctly. How do you preserve a big, it was massive. How do you preserve that tower? Brick by brick. Brick by fucking brick, baby. Or you just lob it all in the back of a van. But either way, it was getting done in. So the Royal Tunnel Gates, you'll be like, what was that? And then if you see a photo of them, you go, oh, that little bit. Oh, okay. Right, right, fine. I think they're sort of reddish behind, what's it sort of, what's that, you know, like on a castle gate with the portcullis?

16:27Yeah. Yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah, it's a bit of that on there. Right. A bit of red. Nice. Yeah, there you go. It's very old. It's very old. Yeah. Over 100 years old. It's quite a good stadium design, isn't it? Basically, just make it a castle. Well, make it impenetrable. Unlike the new Wembley, which is very penetrable. Yeah, it would seem. Apparently, we've been told that the Wembley Towns were demolished, apparently. You said they were preserved brick by brick. I guess that is demolishing, I suppose. Maybe they looked at the bricks and thought, I can't bother with that. I've forgotten to write down where the bricks went.

17:01Oh, no. This is a jigsaw we can't do. They piss off. But anyway, so the Royal Tunnel Gates, it was only a couple of days before they were going to succumb to the bulldozers. but a Chilean businessman, Jorge Yarur Bascunan, well, actually, that's not true. They were preserved by somebody in England. There was a museum, and then they were going to, I think that thing went out of, in 2011, they went bankrupt or lost all the money, and they were just going to chuck them out. Football museum bankruptcy, chat. Basically, if you've got these gates, I think they're cursed. So this Chilean businessman came along, and he paid nearly six grand for them at Sotheby's.

17:45For the gate? Yeah. I mean, that seems kind of... I remember when I was at university... But it was the cost... I'll always go on about Mussolini's hat, but they sold Mussolini's hat for£6 ,000. I've never heard you talk about Mussolini's hat. It might even have been less. It might have been like£4 ,000. Yeah, that doesn't seem like much. His famous pork pie hat. And that's like... I know he's not like, you know... He's top three dictators of... Well, he's probably top ten dictators, maybe, of history. Yeah. that had such an effect on the global war, I suppose. I think that's fair. And they were selling it for a very small amount of money.

18:17I mean, you shouldn't really sell men's... What about Napoleon? But if you are going to do it, you'd think they would raise a larger price for problematic people. Six grand for some gates. I do get what you're saying, by the way, about his hat. What about Napoleon's todger? right someone sold someone sold Napoleon's todger well it was it was presumably cut off when he was you know after he died right yeah I think he wouldn't have appreciated that yeah it was in the football museum for a few years to let him bankrupt in 2011 Jim yeah they lacquered it and used it as a paperweight I think it was apparently someone stole his knob stole his knob yeah that's a shame well I don't know what is the market for that I know but that's the thing he got that's yeah exactly like Mussolini's hat Napoleon's knob is someone making their own sort of like it's too hot to handle surely I've got Napoleon's knob Mussolini's hat you'd be able to sell to even some former Italian footballers for example you'd have takers for that okay let's be let's be frank here but it does suggest why is the camera you're dressing like Arthur Daly well she's bought a new hat just suggest someone's trying to make their own sort of Frankenstein's monster out of different parts exactly of terrible men yeah Yeah, nice.

19:36There you go. Well, I mean, talking of this Chilean businessman who's got these Wembley Gates. It's Wembley Gates. In 2001, he paid just over$21 ,000 for one of the conical bras Jean-Paul Gaultier made for Madonna's Blonde Ambition Tour. This museum sounds very inconsistent. Bras, gates. Yeah. Some Titanic stuff. Hang on, you went to the Iceland Penis Museum, right? I didn't see any... Is Napoleon's knob there? I'm going to find. Let's see. No. Can AI tell us? Where is Napoleon's knob? Yeah. I mean, like, I would say that, I mean, Madonna's blonde admission to her. Like, that was an iconic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

20:18I get that. I get that. I imagine, like,$21 ,000 is probably what you'd expect for that sort of thing. I thought it would have gone for a bit more, actually. Stick it in a hard rock cafe. Beautiful. Right. So the first thing that comes up in AI, Jim, Napoleon's penis is currently in a private collection in New Jersey, owned by the family of the late... I was really hoping you were going to say that Jon Bon Jovi's got it. Oh, that'd be good. Give it back. Or Bruce Springsteen. Give back Napoleon's penis. Well, to who? We'll give back the Elgin Marbles if you give back the penis. That's the deal.

20:48Haven't the Elgin Marbles been... Weren't they deciding to do it? It seems like a big... I think they're bulldozing them. Also, wouldn't that mean... Smash them in some jets. I did that. Oh, you want to get rid of the British Museum, do you? Have some of this.

21:02Full of dicks You filled them with dicks That would surely just mean us giving the Elgin marbles Which is from Greece to the French government So it was allegedly amputated During an autopsy after his death in 1821 And has since passed through Various collectors As it says here While the item has been examined and confirmed as a penis Its direct connection to Napoleon Remains unproven It's like the Frenchman's penis It's like the bones of St Nicholas right you know they have been plundered so many times that the bones of St. Nicholas the man you know Santa Claus is in some loose way based on are like scattered all over the world it feels like some sort of Christmas themed Indiana Jones movie that someone should make about like getting them all together well it's like there's a part of Japan that's obsessed with they reckon they've got Jesus' body and it's kind of I like people who lay a claim to stuff that probably isn't it's so outside the realms of any historical possibility in Japan yeah brilliant yeah well I went to Valencia lovely city in Spain and then there's this chat of the the Holy Grail is in this church in Spain you're kind of like alright let's have a look you gotta pay to sod off just sod off but at the church that's the Holy Grail Marcus surely you'd spin the wheel on that one if you're paying to see it if you're paying to see it it's the Holy Grail Marcus you don't understand I know you like free biscuits from the kitchen but you should be paying for that but I don't I don't base my life on free biscuits.

22:32Surely in the kind of... Yeah, exactly. So you should be paying more. In the spirit of Indiana Jones, surely that's just a challenge, right? You've got to get around the security measures. So I didn't think about it like that. That's a fair point, Jim, you see. You've been creative. But I thought you were going to say, in the spirit of Jesus, wouldn't you pay to see it? I was like, no. I think you misunderstood that. So there's a little bit more on Napoleon's penis here. Right. In the grill. Yeah. So it was removed in his autopsy by his doctor who apparently gave it to a priest. There you are.

23:02Don't say I'll never give you anything. What is that about? I've heard you into them, Father. Yeah. I don't know what to do with this. Can you take care of this? I don't know why I did this. Is this... Is this... Is this... Is this certainly a confession? I don't know. Can you help? Can you get rid of it? No one will suspect you. Oh, my God. There you go, Mick. I'm carried away. You are the worst at present. Bloody hell. Happy birthday to you So yeah So as it says here Ownership history The organ has been owned by several people Including British American But the latest guy The latest people who got it Purchased it in 1977 I know the 70s was a bit wild So it's there Apparently it's in New Jersey Verification The French government has not shared DNA to confirm it That means it is That means it is.

23:57Or maybe they're just busy. No, bollocks. Maybe that's never going to get to the top of the agenda. They don't want to admit it's the penis. But the condition, this is the last chat on the penis, I promise. Oh, the condition is too poor. The artifact is described as poorly maintained. Shriveled. Obviously, he was fucking... Don't shame him. Like a piece of dried leather or a shriveled eel because it was not properly preserved in a substance, which was obviously... Viagra. They are Why is it hard? I thought he wants this So if you're interested Dr John K Latimer's family In New Jersey Own the cock Get that block Who does the Bodies of the Dead Where he puts resin in it Just pump it up Oh that scary Professor bloke Is he German or Austrian?

24:42Yeah Obviously Pump it up Thank you for listening To Ramble Uncut Head over to Patreon.com Forward slash Football Ramble To get that delivered Straight into your podcast app Every single Wednesday That's patreon.com forward slash football ramble to sign up right now. See you there.

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