Souness gets the hump

0:00Real Madrid, shabby and Man City, not so shitty. Welcome to the Football Ramble. It is Thursday the 11th of December. I'm Pete Donaldson. I'm Jim Campbell. And I'm Luke Moore. Yeah, you are.

0:24I'm here with two beautiful boys with two excellent examples of Marks and Spencer's knitwear. Incorrect. Jim's wearing a jumper. Mine's not from Marks and Spencer's either. Nor is mine, right? Right, right. Okay, fine. Mine's from Auburn. Where's yours from, Jim? Mine's from Wax London. There we go. It's very interesting that you two, mainly Luke, have real insight about what kind of brands of clothing one should wear. Yeah, because we're not all buying ours off a weird Chinese website for vintage, that's right. And also, do you just mean that we know where our own clothes are from? Yeah, I guess so.

0:53I was, you know, Topman shut down, I was absolutely rudderless. Now I know I'm an ASOS man. Topman's never really worked for me because I think I've always been too big for it. And secondly, as in physically big, not morally big. And secondly, as soon as you hit like 35, Topman's no longer available to you anyway. Right. You don't subscribe to that because you're quite a dandy-ish And you're quite lithe, aren't you, as well? Some places make it so that if there's a little bit of a spread going on, it's not for you anymore. No, exactly. But you're okay on that. If you can fit through an air conditioning channel, you're a Topman man with a scoop neck.

1:30So you'd get him to scoop up all your clothes. Exactly. I used to have a 10 % discount card because I DJed for them a few times. I did wonder about that. Were you the DJ in the shop? I was DJ in the shop. What was that like as a gig? Depressive, presumably. Kept on telling me to turn it down. Did they? Yeah. It's one of the most 2000 stories you've told in a while. Scared you'll taste something. What's the matter, larger boy? You're scared of a bit of Paul Tiger Tail, dickheads. What's the matter, indie rock boy? Scared you want electro-class something. anyway there were a fair lot of Champions League fixtures last night that's not a link yeah it is Man City Man City are now pretty much home and hosed in the Champions League fourth in the table they quite convincingly put Real Madrid away at the Banerjee Jim yeah I wasn't really that surprised by this result to be honest we spoke about this yesterday well you spoke about this yesterday and you said that it's a good time to play them yeah absolutely and the way the game started actually you know Rodrigo gets one of those really Real Madrid goals that just kind of seems like it's come out of nowhere in a millisecond.

2:27You really think he's going to cross there. But brilliant, brilliant finish from Rodrigo. We know they've always got those moments in them. But the thing with Real Madrid at the moment is obviously they've got a lot of players missing. But also, you know, the kind of weird malaise around the club related to Xabi Alonso seems to be that none of the players want to learn anything or try. So, I mean, when you're in that sort of mindset, Man City are coming to town. You are up against it. No team hate a manager like Real Madrid suddenly decide they hate their own manager. Absolutely. Yeah, David Culledge was saying, wasn't he yesterday, I don't know if it was on the show or if he was just messaging it on WhatsApp, I can't quite remember.

3:00He was talking about how their justification is that like, well, under Ancelotti, we didn't ever do any of this stuff. Yeah. And we feel like it worked fine, so we're not going to do it. And like you say, against Manchester City, even though Manchester City aren't the force they were, that's kind of not going to work very well. No, absolutely not. And so it proved. Even, I obviously watched the Arsenal game, but when I saw that they'd gone 1-0 down, I still felt it was very likely that they would get back into it. And obviously, you know, so it proved. And you were right. So is that the takeaway from this game?

3:29The takeaway from this game? Well, Marcus isn't here, so I have to take up that mantle. You didn't lose heart. You thought they'd be fine. And then, but chiefly and most importantly, you were right. I think they probably heard the show yesterday and took heart from me. I think so. Putting faith in them. All I care about is that you have the last laugh. Correct. And that's what's happening. I mean, it was a much more promising performance than we've seen from Real Madrid recently. recently they've got a lot of injuries but they still played right to the final whistle and thought well done didn't walk off after 60 minutes and they uh and they they still look like they could get something out of the game but man city just had too much for them yeah i think they're always gonna you know in a champions league game like this like regardless of personnel and regardless of you know whatever kind of you know telenovela is happening happening behind the scenes at the club at the time there's always something isn't there these nights they do they feel like they belong to them, don't they?

4:23So they're always going to kind of, they're always going to compete. But again, I'm just not really surprised by this result because it's more to do with City just kind of starting to go through the gears a little bit. Because Jim's scared of City. Yeah, exactly. You are scared of them, aren't you? They're like the T-1000 in the rearview mirror, aren't they? Yeah. But just with the face of Erling Haaland. Yeah. Or two of them, and it's Docu and O 'Reilly just running out. Yeah, just flanking you. It's like, oh God, there's only one in the movie. Imagine if every time I scored a goal, they screamed into the camera, have you seen this boy?

4:56And the boy is Bakayasaka. Yeah, or me. It's been a while. Again, it's all about gym. It's all about gym today. I'm pleased for it. It's the gym show. It's normally all about me, so I'm happy to be all about gym today. Exactly. I mean, I brought up Doku and O 'Reilly. You probably said those two had the best of it yesterday. They did look like unplayable against Real Madrid, Lube. Doku was great. He is great. I think there still is a contingent of football fans out there who think he's not great, who kind of think he's like a turbocharged Adama Traore or something. But I don't subscribe to that.

5:35I think he's obviously, on his day, absolutely sensational. Unplayable, really. Yeah, and he's made Grealish look bad. Not because he's necessarily a better player. They're very different players, even though they occupy similar positions. It's because he's so positive and he's so all action and you do feel like something's going to happen when he's got the ball at his feet. And there was an amazing passage of play last night where, I can't remember who it was, he put the ball out. I'll tell you who it was, it was Donnarumma. Donnarumma ran to the left back position. The ball was going to go out of play and he kept it in.

6:09He played an amazing pass down the line, which is one in the eye of people who said he can't do that kind of thing. And Doku took it and went with it. He didn't score, but he managed to get a shot off. but before that loads of stuff was happening with his legs and his feet which was incredible to watch and it was a really good summary of what he's able to do I thought it was good I was really pleased that Nico O 'Reilly scored adorable young gentleman he seems absolutely amazing as a lad he was obviously delighted to score it was a great reaction wasn't it because it was it was really quick but it was also slightly puppyish he did slash at it a bit but he gave himself the time to be able to score with a slash and it was the reaction of a kid who's only just 20 or whatever thinking, I've scored at the Bernabeu.

6:51No one can, in the Champions League, no one can take that away from me. But from VAR. Yeah, well, they didn't. To be fair to VAR. They didn't. Are we fair enough to VAR? No. To be fair, they didn't find a reason to take it off him. It'd be a late call if they do it now. Yeah, it would. It would. But actually we get something full voicemail. Oh, fuck. VAR, shit. Imagine you just get an alert on your phone, don't you, as a player? Just really impersonal. Saying what? No, just don't. No. No. but it just shows that players like Harlan and Ford and they've obviously been celebrated this season because they've had a really good start they didn't really need them to play that well yesterday it was such a really really professional performance from Man City against obviously a bit of a makeshift back line for Real Madrid yeah is it part of the kind of upside of this format do you think that in a game like that you know because they're not playing each other twice there's no pressure's off Yeah, you kind of go and attack those games a bit more.

7:47I have a love-hate relationship with this new format. Talk us through each side. Okay, so I like seeing a big table of teams. I like being able to refer to a team being 33rd in a table. Don't get the chance to do that very often. I feel like it's just going to get too confusing when you have teams that are like 33rd in a table. It is quite confusing anyway. but then you get you seem to last season you seem to have got you seem to have got some good games out of it and it did seem on one level to remove a decent amount of jeopardy but on the other hand I was looking at what was I oh do you know what I was looking at I can't remember why but earlier in the week I was looking at Bayer Leverkusen's run to the Champions League final where they eventually got beaten by Real Madrid and when I was looking at the Champions League groups that season I was like yeah they're proper Champions League groups I vaguely remember those groups.

8:41I vaguely remember when that team was playing that team in that group. And I don't feel like you get the identity now because it's all chucked into some big amorphous mass of teams. You're a little gang together. And you're not going to be able to remember who's drawn against who in years to come of seasons gone by. So I feel like maybe what I'm trying to say is it's lost a little bit of its identity. I kind of get the feeling that they've made the table so big that teams like Al Hilal just pop themselves in and you know what I noticed. nobody noticed sneak in there sneak in there could I make another point about Nico O 'Reilly which is really important that I didn't make earlier I forgot to say it is that I the only thing I find unsettling about Nico O 'Reilly is that he is 20 years old in fact just looking now he will be 21 in March so he's very young and he's got an incredible amount of tattoos you're not supposed to have tattoos until you're 18 I don't believe is that right?

9:36yeah maybe he did that thing where you sort of You can't do them all at once. You'd pass out, wouldn't you? You can have this operation where they put you to sleep for like a few hours and the tattoo is just go, you know, get to it. Can you? Yeah, I think a Brazilian bloke died quite recently. It seems needlessly risky, but people do it. I don't know which hospitals would have lacked one. I don't know which anaesthetist would do it, but apparently people do it. Are the tattoos to cover up organ harvesting scars? Yeah, you can go. Or Al-Hilal's been installed next to your liver. I've got an Al-Hilal update in the back of my head.

10:07I've been Al-Hilal. I feel like that kind of tattoo behaviour is similar energy to when, like, organised criminals go to vets, backstreet vets to get operations because they don't want to go to the hospital. It feels a bit like that. I don't think Nico O 'Reilly's done that. No. I just think maybe because he's a professional footballer, he's got a lot of downtime. I just think if you look at him, I've not even seen him with his top off. I've only seen his sleeves. But you would like to. Well, I wouldn't mind. I'd like to go on record. I wouldn't mind. He's got a lot of tattoos for a man so young.

10:37How has he found the time for the recovery and for the reapplication of the new tattoos? How has that happened? You've got to watch out for, you know, skin-borne and blood-borne infection. You've got to be very careful. I'm not aware of these tattoos. Is it a sleeve or is it a sort of Jeremy Allen White in the bear style kind of montage? Two full sleeves. Two full sleeves. At least that we've seen. At least. Well, that we know of. He can have another sleeve, can he? Yeah, well, I mean, he can, but... Yeah, what on his chest? Nope. From the song, Nico O 'Reilly, Don't Look Past My Shoulder. Right.

11:06Yeah. What's that from? Babbro O 'Reilly. Babbro O 'Reilly. I don't really like the Who. And he's a baby. So, Babbro O 'Reilly. Do you like the Who? They're all right. Not for me. Seems like a weird opinion to have. Not for me. Anyway, I'm pleased he scored. I'm pleased he scored. He's tattooed. I also like the idea that Darren Fletcher was on the comms, Jim. You'll be delighted to hear because you're watching the Arsenal game. I still had to listen to Martin Keown, so, you know. Oh, God. You shouldn't have said that. He's had a month, hasn't he? I was pleased to not listen to Darren Fletcher, but I did have to listen to Martin Keown.

11:35Martin Keown on Talk Sport with Simon Jordan is like watching a... It's the Luton Pitch Show. Jordan's got his number and he's reveling in it. And Keown is shitting himself. He's covering himself in his own shit. He's embarrassing himself. But we're not going to say to people which one's which in the Luton Pitch Show there. But honestly, Simon Jordan, it might also just be called Simon Jordan hunting for sport. He gets so upset. He threats to leave a studio once a week. It's a very compelling audio. Anyways, Keough, I said to you, I just sent a message in the WhatsApp group the other day, didn't I, to you guys, and I am just sick to the back teeth of Martin Keough.

12:14Martin Keough tried to claim on TalkSport this week when he was accused by Simon Jordan of being biased towards Arsenal. And you can find this. It's on YouTube. Martin Keough claims to have been the most positive Spurs pundit this season in media. Yeah. I mean... Why are you doing that? You've gone too big. The Arsenal-Villa commentary, sorry, Villa-Arsenal commentary, he was really biased on but he played for Villa he got a really good opportunity to be really neutral there and kind of genuinely have a foot in both camps and he just didn't and also right I'll give you some pronunciations from last night Zupamendi which is actually an improvement on the previous Zupamendi but not the man's name Maduake was another one and just Skelly for Myles Lewis Skelly to be fair he did a promo kind of you're listening to the football rambling he called himself Martin Kinn that's true he got his own name wrong he can't do that the late great Joe Kinnear gave up saying the football ramble with one of those ideas half on through and just went I'm Joe Kinnear and you're listening to Football Rumblin Football Rumblin anyway Darren Fletcher was on comms absolutely insufferable man he I used to be friends no no never it just sounds like a guy you'd be friends with oh that's a that is a dig isn't it that is a dig I've Jordaned him yeah I've Jordaned me there he He tried to frame the, as part of one of the sort of subtexts of the game, the Real Madrid Man City game, he tried to frame a Rudiger versus Haaland physical battle.

13:41Right. And then about however long it was after he did that, not long after he kept talking about it, Rudiger just basically lost his mind and was so intimidated by Haaland's physicality he just wrestled him to the ground for like a really obvious penalty. Haaland said after the game, didn't he, that that started straight away the sort of roughhousing and he's like I like that to be honest and he does he clearly does that kind of because he knows he's always going to essentially have a kind of physical advantage over somebody and even if they are bigger than him he's so massive he's always going to be competitive so I think players surely are learning that that is not the way to deal with him you can't intimidate him probably not but Jim it's very difficult to think about how you can stop him stop him he's basically Godzilla he'll come to your town he'll decimate it and then he'll just move on and I think you know, he's actually, the thing about Haaland is, obviously physically, he's very impressive.

14:34His finishing is sensational, particularly with his left foot. And he's good at everything else. But he's also, he's also at top speed really quick. And the final thing I would say, which isn't spoken about enough, is his movement is unbelievable. Yeah. But he's, what you find with a lot of forwards of that physicality is they're basically battering rams. Whereas his movement's also super clever. He's always in space somehow. Yeah. And so I don't think, to be fair to Antonio Rudiger, who's built like a cruiserweight himself. I mean, Rudiger looks amazing physically. He is very difficult to know what to do because everything you try to target on him, he'll be able to overwhelm you, I think.

15:14And with all that, Roy Mill, he potentially stinks as well. Probably. Did you see the massive T4 that Real Madrid unveiled of a sailor using a telescope to look at the Man City board? I liked it. But I'll tell you why I thought it was surprising. One use, single use. Well, Madrid's famously a landlocked city. Maybe it's a very strong telescope. Why have they gone for a sailor, though? What's a sailor doing in Madrid? An old-fashioned pirate slash sailor has got no business being in Madrid. He's been keelhauled. He's swum to shore. He must have. And he's walked 100 miles to Madrid. And he's walked 100 miles to Madrid, yeah.

15:46Maybe he's got the river, whatever the river's called in Madrid. It was a good T-for. We do like a T-for. Why was it particularly using a sailor, though? Joke on the side. Why? Is it just because the Man City logo is a boat? Presumably they just work outwards, right? I didn't make that connection. That makes sense, yeah. All right, then. Coming up after this, more Newcastle Heartbreak, is it?

16:12I ain't never felt this bad ever. Lovely to get that one back. Lovely to get it. I never know. G-list season as well. Heated G-list season. Who's on the heated G-lays? My mam. I bought one for Christmas. Did you? A lot of the BBC Five Live radio commentators use the old heated clothing. Makes sense. It does make sense. It's sitting up there for ages. I don't like the idea that new stadiums, the newer stadiums that are being built, aren't going to have those kind of windy and cold gantries. It feels like a inherent part of it. Are they protected by just the general design or is it bolstered while air conditioning?

16:45I think it's probably... I think they just might be closed off, maybe. In a media centre or something, yeah. the gantry at Fratton Park is an absolute joy to behold you have to climb up a big ladder oh yeah you used to see that quite a lot but I mean I guess at Portsmouth I mean that's got to be fucking high there's still a camera position up there yeah because I remember back when Portsmouth were in the Premier League whatever it was you know 20 years ago now I suppose depressingly Chris Kamara used to come to Fratton Park and there used to be a massive event everyone would be cheering when he'd climb up the ladder and he'd be like waving nice peeing in a cup up there yeah exactly job well on the eastern banks of the Rhine Bayer Leverkusen rescued a draw late doors from Newcastle two goals apiece Gimmarish scoring an own goal Big Nick throwing a wonderful foul from the goalkeeper to hand Gordon another penalty conversion and Lewis Miley he's got a baby's head he gave Newcastle United the lead only for Grimald at score in the 88th they are not seeing out football matches and Anthony Gordon is annoyed about it Luke yeah I want to hear more about Lewis Miley's face and head well he's got he's got a man's body it's only just he's grown so much in about two years but his face still looks like a little boy's he's got the face of a boy who very narrowly missed out in the final audition to be part of One Direction on X-Face oh yes he's a handsome little lad and he looks like you know when they put the baby's head on that spider in Toy Story yeah he reminds me of that okay but he's Sid the next door neighbour he's had a good season it was a lovely head of him oh you've got massive Sid in Toy Story over you have you can imagine Pete You have?

18:19Well, I probably have in personality, you have in manipulating toys. Yes. We've all seen your apology cabin with the boglin in it. We've hit some bobs, yeah, exactly. How did you feel about this as a Newcastle fan, Peter? It was a bit of a shame, really. It was like Newcastle had looked better in patches. Tonali, every time Leverkusen sort of hit Newcastle on the brick, which we were very good at, like Tonali was just going, give me that ball. Just taking it off them. It was really good. I didn't see this game because I was watching the Man City game. Yeah. One of the other highlights was Lewis Hall using a towel.

18:48boldly to dry a ball which obviously you can get away with in the Champions League oh so UEFA competitions don't have such strict rules the anti-towel bring a towel rule yeah well that's good which is quite exciting but Newcastle for a lot of the match had the liver momentum liver momentum liver momentum kind of works but Anthony Gordon was really annoyed about how the game slipped away it's happening too many times he said to be honest which is a bit fucking rich because he's been awful this season apart from the last two matches he might be flogging himself there as well to be fair and also Alex Grimaldo is a fascinating footballer because he is effectively a fullback this is his ninth goal of the season he's just every time you see Bayer Leverkusen he seems to score and I think you've also got a side that Anthony Gordon has been very good in the Champions League this season he's not been he's been scoring goals he's not been great but this season sorry this match and also the match at the weekend in the Premier League he was very good and it looks like he might be back to where he was before so it's like having a new player I just think that's really interesting you would have watched Newcastle in the Champions League a lot more closely than me but five goals in six Champions League games now.

19:51He has been better in the Champions League but he's still not been fantastic and certainly nowhere near where he was. I liked all the Nick Voltamada content in the lead up to this game as well. Oh, well, it's Men Behevan Badley house. Yeah, he's very coy about it. Wow. He's very kind of side-eye-y cheeky about it. Would you not be cheeky and side-eye about having a... Housemate. Having a little housemate looking after your stuff? Yeah, because I think the whole thing is he's confused as to why this is even a story, isn't it? Yeah. he's essentially moved over here. So the story is he's moved over here and he's with a housemate from back in Germany.

20:22They're best mates. They live in a house together in Newcastle. What's not to love? It's an amazing gig for the best mate. If someone is your mate and you're a Premier League footballer and German international, you're not cleaning up, are you? So the onus of tidying everything up, cleaning the bathroom is going to be. I think they're going to have a cleaner, aren't they? Yeah. I think that's part of what Newcastle United probably offer. Would you like access to clean? Would you like Lewis Hall to pop round and wipe his towel across your bath? Lewis Wiley always on the PlayStation. Exactly, exactly.

20:53Do your own work. Good stuff, yeah. I liked him. The reason I'm saying that is because I didn't see this game, Peter, as I said, because I was watching the Man City game. But have Newcastle kept getting pegged back? They won at the weekend, didn't they? Yeah, but they nearly got pegged back. So it was, they do score too early. Oh, they got pegged back badly against Spurs, didn't they, as well? Yeah, yeah. It was an interesting... But you look at the last five matches and you're like, you know what, it's not too bad. That's probably where they probably should be. But this squad is way too good for these guys.

21:20Yeah, well, I think that seems to be the consistent issue, isn't it? Eddie Howe said some interesting stuff after the game. He said, I wasn't happy at half-time, not so much with the performance, but there was a real lack of belief that we could score. You have to make things happen and really believe internally. Off the ball, we were getting close to them, but not in that final yard. I think Howe's really good at kind of giving his team constructive criticism like that in a way that's not going to create a story, but that he's a sort of quiet challenge to them. Yes. I think he's right there, isn't he?

21:47I think they are better than some of the results we've seen from them. I think you can make a decent argument that Eddie Howe is by far the most reasonable manager in the Premier League. Yes. He's a very reasonable man. Well, you look at how they scored their first goal like in Vultimada. It was a press basically. He pressed the goalkeeper. Brilliant forward play. Absolutely brilliant. And then bought the penalty. What's fascinating is that Vultimada has come in and he has been better by far than Isaac's been at Liverpool. Yeah. Yes, I mean, only in comparison you would say though. But that's literally what I've just done is made a comparison.

22:21That's all I mean. That's the only parameters I'm interested in at the specific point I made. Okay, fine, fine. Yeah. But you might have expected I don't know, a little bit more from that expense. From Isaac. From Baltimore. From Baltimore possibly. I don't know. Really? With his box player. Yeah, but setting in the way he has and contributing in the way he has as well, He scored, I mean, no player has scored more goals for Newcastle than in this season. Yeah, but that's not saying much. They lost a lot of goals from when Isaac went. I mean, genuinely though, Pete, I understand the kind of reticence to be too enthusiastic about your own team lest you jinx it even though none of us believe that that's how the universe works.

22:58But I think from an outsider's point of view, Volta Marder looks like a massive hit, like, surely. Yeah, because I don't think his story is just about goals anyway. No. His presence is massive, quite literally. His all-round play is great. Yeah, for a player of that stature just seeing how quick his feet is people just find him quite unplayable at times but I think for the first few matches he played way too deep and now he's starting to get some positions in the box fluffed a header at one point which you do not expect from him you can't get away with that can't get away with that there's too much focus if like Phil Foden got a great header off that Ryan Cherky assist at the weekend right and it was a great header because it came off the bar but if you look at it I'm not saying it was an easy header but he was unmarked and stuff and the timing of the run was really good.

23:43If he had missed that none other sort of thing because he's about 5 '7". Yeah but if you're a tall player your head's got to have the dexterity of a hand. It has to yeah it has to yeah I completely agree. Well the Magpies sit 12th in the table after that round of games. Had they held on though Jim they could have been as high as 6th so the way that Newcastle are playing at the moment I wouldn't put money on them getting through a playoff but... Right. Who have Newcastle got in the next two games? It's PSV and PSG. PSV's at home PSG's away isn't it yeah I mean tricky tricky it is tricky I think they're firmly ensconced in a playoff position right now I think you're talking shit about the playoff I think if they stay where they are which they probably will they'll beat PSV at home PSG away is a tough one obviously they'll be in that I think they'll be in that knockout phase playoff seeded group right yeah and some of the teams they can play in that Al-Hilal not quite yet but they could play Carabag yeah you know They could play, you know, you'd fancy them to get past Monaco, Galatasaray, PSV themselves.

24:42Maybe they won't be able to be seeded against them. I'm not sure. But I don't think it's too bad. I wouldn't worry too much about it. But the thing about that is the very idea that Newcastle are playing much better in the Champions League than they are in the Premier League is almost a bit of a hiding to nothing anyway because they're not going to win the Champions League. No. So you're not going to qualify next season by playing well in the Champions League, are you? Exactly. You kind of have to concentrate on that. Exactly. On winning a fat cup. Existentially quite challenging for those fans.

25:07Yeah. They need European competition to maintain their income and maintain the sort of players who are going to be rocking up there. Elsewhere in West's stupid, sexy Flanders, Club Bruca were tidily put away by Arsenal. Two goals from Matiweke and Martinelli. 100 % record in the Champions League, Jim. It's pretty good. It is. It's great. Are they going to rotate for the next two fixtures and ruin this entire record? I mean, they might not have the option. Anyone who didn't watch this game is probably unaware that Christian Norgard started at centre-half because the injuries to the defensive unit are, well, all the injuries are really concentrated there.

25:40Why would you say it like that, though? Why would you say his name in that way? Christian Norgard. Yeah. That's how you say it. No, but you went Christian Norgard. Well, because he's a midfielder who's barely played. A Norgard in the rear guard? Okay, fine. But he can play centre-back and he costs quite a lot of money. Yeah, I mean, he didn't cost a huge amount of money and he just isn't a centre-back. I don't think that's outrageous to be surprised that there's a player playing out of position. because I'm a bigger man than Pete is I'm going to concede that Jim I think you're right I'm fine to take that on board Speaking of conceding Brugge had a lot of shots They did But all pretty simple stuff for Arteta's boys Yeah I mean they conceded a lot more shots than they have recently which is on reflection no bad things it gives Reyes something to actually do Which Pete doesn't like because Pete thinks he's shit Well yeah but I mean it's no bad thing for him to be a little bit busy here and there The first goal was magnificent from Nonaldo Maduake, I'm going to call him.

26:36Yeah, that was a brilliant loss. You just say what you like. The great thing I loved about that goal was that it wasn't just that he dinged it for eight from miles out off the bar, but it's that he fought really hard to get past the player. Yeah, he kind of really shrugged him off. It was a really good, like all-round showcase of his ability. And he kind of, as he kind of picks up the ball, he's at quite a slow pace and he shrugs that guy off, accelerates, pings it in off the underside of the bar, which is just aesthetically very satisfying. and his second goal was really good as well a lot of that came from a really really good ball from Morton Supermendy which was a really really great sort of hanging cross and he just nods it in and then Martinelli scores a brilliant goal as well so Martinelli has now scored five in a row in the Champions League which no Arsenal player has done before which was really impressive so yeah it was a very comfortable win they rotated through necessity really and yeah this record is brilliant and you look at a lot of these obviously the Atletico Madrid and the Bayern Munich games in particular are very, very impressive wins.

27:33And you look at some of these teams they've put away, like Olympiacos and away performances like this and think, yeah, they should be doing that. But it's relatively recent where Arsenal kind of struggled away in Europe. And it was a little bit of an issue that they had to fix. And it's something that Arteta has fixed quite profoundly well from where we're sat at the moment. And also really nice to see Gabriel Jesus come on as well. You forget how expressive he is. He's either really happy or really sad. there is no in between yeah he hit the bar he was very very lively he still looks like you know there's a little bit of you know there's a long way to go in terms of him being fully at his best well yeah but he's got that Brazil button yeah he has a little bit of chaos in there yeah he's like I mean it's almost fitting that he last appeared almost 365 days ago because of his name and stuff but he's like a he's like a lover that's in and out of your life as an Arsenal fan Jim he's going to break your heart again but just enjoy it yeah it's a little bit like that there is a sense that like how long will he be able to stay fit for?

28:35He might even be a player where the club looks to cash in in the summer. I personally think... He's buying that injury record. Well, this is it, isn't it? But I hope that he can kind of establish himself again because he's very different from Havertz and Jochores and even Marino in that option. He can play out wide as well. Yeah, he's a wonderful player. I think the problem with his Arsenal career has been that pretty much as soon as he joined, he got that injury at the World Cup and he's not really been the same since. So if he can get back to the level of two major injuries and a few years ago, great.

29:06But obviously that's a lot to ask of him. If only there was a kind of precedent for amazing Brazilian strikers to come back and do really well after catastrophic knee injuries. Indeed. But he's probably not quite in that bracket. But I remember being really excited when Jay-Z signed for Arsenal because it felt like with Manchester City, when he got a run in the team, he scored quite a lot of goals but he wasn't scored four in a game once didn't he that's right and there was a there was a very kind of established feeling that because of the way Grado did manage it and the colour player Jays was he wasn't going to play consistently over and over again and I thought when he went to Arsenal it felt to me at the time like he's going there just to play all the time yeah be the man and go and it never really he's never really been able to do that I would also in the context of talking about Arsenal strikers without pouring too much cold water on last night because obviously it was a good win a routine win, but a confidence building one at that.

30:01Giocares, it was thin gruel again, wasn't it? It was more thin gruel against opposition that aren't actually that good. Yeah, and it's the sort of level where you think, you know, if he's going to come into the team and be effective, maybe he's the guy for these games, you know, and there's maybe nothing wrong with that, with having an option like that who can kind of, is better at a different level, is certainly how I'm trying to sort of make sense of it all at the moment. But I think Jesus might have had more touches and the same amount of shots, or kind of something similar like that. and yeah, it's just not quite there for him.

30:32I think the team isn't particularly well calibrated to him yet. They're struggling to craft clear chances for him, but I think... He just seems quite slow, though. Yeah, well, this is it. I think... When they do craft him, he seems like he wants to take too much time. Too many touches, and also, I mean, if you look at the goals he scored in Portugal, a lot of them are him sort of essentially physically overpowering a defender and then using his pace to get into space for a shot, and his pace doesn't seem to be enough for him to be able to do that in the Premier League. He's just not finding that space.

31:01So as we said the other day, he needs to improve because if this is his level, then he just isn't good enough based on what we've seen. I mean, obviously there's time for him to get better and to get used to it and for the team to get used to him as well. But I think if you're saying about a striker that once they start putting it on a plate for him, it'll be fine. I mean, you should be able to say that about a goalkeeper. You know what I mean? like it's yeah so more needs to come from him but he will know that more than anybody well it's just good to see these players on the pitch I suppose and 16 year old Marley Salmon 16 years and 102 days year old Marley Salmon became the fourth youngest player ever to play for Arsenal's men's team I mean another youngster they're sort of you know playing in the champion I find that mad because that came in the same week as the news that Max Down was just got an injury so we've got another one yeah it's one of those strange things where footballers seem kind of ageless, don't they?

31:57But then you get to our age and you're like, that is a boy. That is a little boy. He's born in 2009. He's just wild. He's getting silly, isn't he? Yeah. Pure electro-clash season, that. Elsewhere in the Champions... I'll tell you what, there could have been a mother walking around Topman looking for a present with Marley Salmon in her stomach listening to you DJing. Exactly. Probably what spurred him on. Buying some maternity wear. Yeah. Top girl? Top shop Top shop Top lady Top lady It seems unlikely You see that Marco Reus was spotted chanting along with the Borussia Dortmund fans in the stands at the Signal Aduna Yeah we've seen this a lot lately Kevin Phillips was in with the Sunderland fans a little while ago which was very very enjoyable Marco Reus is still an active player though Yeah I suppose that is In America More unusual The MLS season's finished isn't it Exactly He's free to That's probably why it's quite good playing MLS if you still love European football because you can come and watch some some pretty decent Champions League action when you finish for the season.

32:55Exactly. All the focus was obviously on Marco Reus but he was actually in the same section as a German fullback Kevin Groskowitz who famously threw a kebab at some students and one of the students tried to sue him because he got kebab in his eye. He also won the World Cup but he was in there as well chanting away. Yeah and Kevin Groskowitz looks like a nasty piece of work. I think that was his general vibe. He was a bit of a he was a bit of a Sun, whatever the German example of the Sun newspaper is. The Bild. He was a Bild botherer. He played for Dortmund for years, gross boys. Yeah, he was a right back, wasn't he?

33:32About the kebab throwing incident, he actually told Bild that, of course, it would have been better if I hadn't thrown the Donut in public. There is no doubt that this situation isn't ideal. I'm sorry. So German. Yeah, it really does. So, so logical. Maximum efficient, yeah, yeah. I think it's, I view that student who sued him very dimly. Yeah. I think getting to me I'm assuming I don't know this story that well but assuming there's no long term injury to me it's pretty poor behaviour that you get involved in that kind of altercation you've got okay you've got a donna kebab in the face right? In the eye.

34:10It's not a head butt in a jazz club is it? It's all part of the slings and the arrows of an outrageous night out. Yeah exactly. You don't want meat in the eye but there's not going to be any real long term He's a footballer who's done it. Exactly. That's a story for life, isn't it? Might have been one of Lucas Podolsky's kebabs. Could have been. He was a kebab magnate, wasn't he? All right, well, coming up after this, Paul Pogba gets involved with camel racing.

34:43All right, welcome back to the Football Ramble. I trailed it. It's time for the muck stories. the muck and the nonsense. Paul Pogba has moved into the sport of camel racing after investing in Saudi Arabian based team Al-Haboub. I didn't see this one coming. Jim, I didn't see this coming, Luke. I went on a big deep dive on camel racing when I saw this news. They don't have human jockeys. No, I know. It's robots. Robot jockeys. Yeah. Mad. Because they abused children back in the day. Not abused them, but like, well, because of child abuse. Yeah. To put them on camel, it's problematic. Oh, I see.

35:18I liked how a flustered Pete got his own comment there. Exactly, good point. I was confused. The robots were doing that, or the camels? Do I want camels chasing after me? They can go for years with the humps. Full of water. I'm not sure that's three years. They could go for a long time. I think you're thinking of cacti. The Bactrian camels have got two humps, so they've got more water. These ones, one hump. You can't race a two-humped camels this day. Isn't it the dromedary camels that have got two humps? Yeah, they have, yeah. You said Bactrian. Batchery and I have one hump Batchery and I have two humps Batchery and I have two humps You've been googling it Oh you're right Batchery and I have two So now you know I haven't been googling it These are dromedary camels to be absolutely clear I think Batchery and camels are from different parts of the world They are yes More Asian I watched quite a few camel races On YouTube after I saw this news The robot jockeys was an incredible revelation to me They have little whips, don't they?

36:17Is that right? Yeah, they do. They have little string whips that are operated by a little app. Right. Oh, so someone's using the whip. It's not like an automated thing. There's someone with like a PlayStation controller. Yeah, because it's tactical, I suppose. Correct, because they're driving alongside them in like Toyota pickups and stuff. Yeah, pickups, like pickup trucks. And yeah, they have little robots to give them a little whip if they want them to go faster, which does seem quite cruel. but the whip I saw was genuine just like a little piece of string it didn't seem like it was hurting them but I'm not an expert in camel welfare so why not I think they're quite robust don't they the other thing I read is that like it's literally one of I don't think it's the richest but it's one of the richest sports in the world the race I saw the price for it was a million quid wow that's wild yeah that's probably why Pogba's interested it's a good investment didn't he say that he wants to one day be the owner of the most expensive camel in the world having been the world's most expensive footballer yeah that was his quote and you sort of go Well, all right.

37:15Well, it sounds... One day this will be a stepping stone to me owning the richest camel in the world. So I'm very happy to be lucky United. Well, reading up on the actual spot, I think the most expensive camel is like, you know, only a couple of million pounds. So you could do it now, Paul. You could do it now if you fancied it. But he says, being the world's most expensive footballer was an honour, but it also came with a lot of hard work, pressure and responsibility. Owning the world's most expensive camel one day would be a beautiful full circle moment. Something fun, something meaningful and something that excites me.

37:44The most expensive camel only cost a couple of mil. I'm fairly certain I read that somewhere, but... Most expensive racehorse, way more than that. Yeah, I imagine so. Most expensive racehorse, it was$70 million. I just think Paul Pogba could probably get his hand in his pocket and get himself a delicious camel. You can eat camel hump, so you could consume, for power reasons, the most expensive camel. Juice that final few seasons out of his career. Exactly. Is that on the agenda? Camel humps banned substances, that would be a signal, wouldn't it? I don't think that's on the agenda. there is it what do you mean I don't think you'd be eating I mean you spend a couple of million you're training these camels you're not going to be eating one of them that's proper supervillain stuff that isn't it we found a unicorn and we ate it we ate it the technology of involved in camel racing around the training and stuff is pretty full I heard a fact when one of these races I watched that said that if you look at the the speeds of racehorses they've roughly stayed the same for the last like 35 years or something right but if you look at the speeds of the top racing camels, they've gone far, they're 30 % faster.

38:48Wow. They can get up to like 40 miles an hour, can't they? Yeah, I mean, they don't look like they can because they're literally so skinny. They're lolloping, they're lolloping animals. How do they compare to horses in terms of the top speed? I'm not sure. Can't be as fast, truly. You wouldn't think so. I mean, I've not seen a camel in full flight, but seeing a racehorse in full flight is genuinely a majestic thing to see. They're so fast and they're so smooth. And when you ride a horse, when it's cantering, it's really, have you ridden a horse? I have, yeah. once many many years ago so when you're trotting and you're cantering it's really bumpy then when it gets to a full gallop it's so smooth I just don't know how you because I I can get into the when I've ridden a horse a few I've ridden a horse a few times now and it's like I could do it sort of like slowly but like when you go fast how are you adjusting your body to sort of vibrate in that way no when you go fast it doesn't feel like a bump it doesn't feel like that no they're galloping and it's totally smooth well the one thing we do know is that Graham Sooners has a moustache is currently spinning around like a windmill yeah we'd love to Why has no one approached Graham for comment on this?

39:43He's bought himself a what? Yeah. Disgusting. Do they have odd names like racehorses? Do we? He could call it Graham Sooness's moustache. I mean, Sooness hasn't had a moustache for years, of course. Well, then he's not using it, is he? That's true, actually. He could pop it on for special occasions. He doesn't need it. Get Graham Sooness to Graham's moustache. Clip it off. Stick it on the camel. Like a little moustache. I'd like to see that. He'd look like Joe Camel, a smoking enthusiast. The one thing... Yeah, now you're talking. the one thing I would say that's going to put me at risk of being cancelled by producer Finn but I'm going to go with it anyway is that horses look quite distinctive to me camels all look the same and so a mustache on a camel would be helpful Luke come on I respect 2025 I respect what camels have delivered for society over the years I respect their reputation I respect their their longevity their work ethic their ability to go so long without being dehydrated I respect all that but I think when I look at four camels I can't separate them.

40:43It's a good point actually. With horses it's much easier. Or maybe he could have the sort of or Pogba's camel could have the Pogba hair stripe in it. Further infuriating Graham's suit. You simply have to giving him the hump you might argue. Nice. But what we could do to alleviate to alleviate Graham's annoyance is perhaps give him give him control of the little robot. Nice. So they could come together over camel racing. They could whip himself couldn't he? Well like some kind of like Opus Dei Catholic. Yeah. If he's annoyed with his punditry shift. He uses a little robot to whip him in the back.

41:16Yeah. What do the robots look like? They're tiny. You can't really... Do they have to be human shaped? Yeah, do they look like little people? They're kind of very small, vaguely human shaped, but you wouldn't... They seem to be covered in like cloth. Right. So you wouldn't necessarily know they're a robot, I don't think. Oh. Yeah. Didn't they use monkeys at one point? Fuck off. I think they did. I think they did use monkeys at one point. But how do you get the monkeys to play along? Well, monkeys are very obedient. Give him a little banana at the end, they'll be fine with it. There was that baboon that ran the train line in Sri Lanka, wasn't there?

41:46Or India. Well, looking towards tonight's fixtures, it's very good. You trained the train line. I'll look it up now. You look it up now while we talk about Nottingham Forest playing away at Utrecht. Just type in baboon train conductor. I know they killed the mayor of Delhi who was running on a platform of sorting out monkey attacks. He was thrown from his balcony by monkeys. To be fair, I'm totally wrong about the baboon train line. in India. Yeah. It was in South Africa. Jack the Baboon. Right. Assistant to railway signalman in South Africa. Never made a mistake, apparently. Never made a mistake.

42:21I don't think they're asking much of it. An honorary role, surely. Yeah, exactly. Massively. No, all he had to do was change the track, the signals. I'm not getting on a train where a monkey is changing the signals. He was paid 20 cents a day and half a bottle of beer a week and he never made a mistake in nine years. And what is a baboon doing with money? Go on. Talk to about Nottingham Forest now. You've made my idea. Utrecht versus Nottingham Forest. They're going to be taken to the field at quarter to six this afternoon. I like that because it's like work's finished. Yeah. I get to watch a game straight away.

42:50Yeah. Well, former Nottingham Forest midfielder Jesse Lingard has scored in his last ever game for FC Sewell. He celebrated by doing a big fat moonwalk. It was a pretty good moonwalk. It was a very good moonwalk. He scored. He celebrated. He left the field, did a post-match presser and criticised the K-League pitches, the facilities and the refereeing. see you later on Yonkis Cazelle see you later bye bye everybody moonwalking out in a hail of criticism is very funny thanks for all the money bye bye he's just on a moonwalk in studs that's not easy no it's not respect it I've been thinking for a long long time like what is it about Jesse Lingard where it's objectively cool to do a moonwalk isn't it he's very talented you can do it well yeah and but there's something about it something about him that's just a little bit lame and it's that he reminds me of Jean Ralphio from Parks and Recreation I could see that.

43:38Yeah, I could see that. Jesse Lingard make his money the old-fashioned way. Got run over by Alexis. That's your Ralphio's claim to fame, isn't it? The thing about Lingard is he's undoubtedly... What's happened is when you're talking about him being lame, what clearly happened was he got involved with the idea of top footballers having their own personal brand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was never quite that level apart from that very short period at West Ham on loan. When he was amazing. And he did some stuff for England which was quite good for a bit. But other than that, and I once saw a guy, I took a photo of it actually.

44:12I don't normally take photos of strangers on the tube. I think it's pretty poor behaviour. But I had to take a photo of this guy because he had a J-Lins baseball cap on. Oh, right. Oh, nice. That had to be a freebie because no one's buying that, are they? Yeah, you'd think so. No one's going on. Because I mean, I guess back in the day, you had to be a pretty bloody good footballer to open boutiques. You're George Best of this world. But didn't El Tel Av one? Must have. Did he? He definitely had a cocktail bar, didn't he? That's quite different though, isn't it? It's the same energy. But nowadays, all of the money flooding at the Premier League.

44:42You can be a boutique footballer with Jesse Lingard's skills. There was an amazing interview with an NFL wide receiver called Odell Beckham Jr., who American listeners will be very au fait with, a very famous NFL player. I'm not sure if he's still playing. I think he probably is. But he gave quite an ill-advised interview this week where he complained that it was impossible to build generational wealth with a hundred million dollar contract. People in the Instagram comments were like, this guy's crazy. What's he talking about? Obsessed with generational wealth. You don't have to do anything. Doing interest calculations.

45:18So good. Even if you shoved it in a bed sheet under your bed, it would probably be absolutely fine. Well, elsewhere, Asenvela also travelled to Basel. Basel and West Ham this week for Unai at Emery. that's his red doctor lovely very very enjoyable set of fixtures tonight at 8pm it's Celtic versus Roma that'll be a spicy little fixture I think new manager Wilfried Nancy leads Celtic into Europe for the first time tonight he lost his first match 2-1 at home to league leaders Hearts Hearts were shit in the bed but he managed to sort of gift them win there yeah we all want this don't we yeah we all want to see that happen for producer Rory absolutely big jambo isn't he so yeah good on old Wilfred Nancy is it pronounced Nancy well I mean it's got to be unfortunately it's not his fault is it it's unfortunate it is very unfortunate he was doing the old Ruben Amirim tactics board wasn't he which is I just think on the first get the iPad out you've got to do it on an iPad was it his first game yes it was his first game but it's just not a good look is it like having your little sort of magnetic bits on a magnetic plate I think I know this is reductive and I know this is probably not going to help either.

46:32But I think when you're the first manager, sorry, you're managing and you're new and it's your first game at a club the size of Celtic. Yeah. Don't do that. If anything, you know, you can't really do much with that ball during the game. Yeah. Maybe either because you don't have the players enough or because, you know, realistically, what are you learning from that? You've all seen tactical formations before. Stand up and shout a bit. At least the fans will know that you give a shit. Throw your counters on players. Yeah. eat them just eat them extra strong mints love them or you know maybe just tablecloth fruit and veg salt cellars move them around anything it's going to be a bit more razzle dazzle than a magnetic counter people can take issue with this they get in touch in the comments on the YouTube or whatever I don't know what you're achieving with a magnetic tactics ball on the bench during a game like I mean what are you learning from that you're moving the players around aren't you you're putting it together and then showing it to somebody this is where I need you to be he just likes the hands-on version of that.

47:31Exactly. He likes the visceral haptic feedback. He's analogue, yeah. Exactly, yeah. He's always got his analogue camera taking 35mm shots of people on the tube like you. He's not doing... Well, it wasn't a 35mm shot. It was a very, very surreptitious iPhone shot. Nice, yeah. Because of a J-Lings cap. That has to... I'm doing a public service there. It's a crime. Shelbourne versus Crystal Palace also tonight at 8pm. Those decorated Irish club who performed in Europe in the past. Their first ever game, though, against English opposition in Europe. I thought this would have happened before. They played Scottish teams a couple of times, but you'd think they'd sort of bounced off an English team at some point.

48:10Yeah, I guess this is the beauty of the Conference League, though, isn't it? Teams like Shelbourne are involved in this level of European competition. Shelbourne and Shamrock Rovers are 34th and 35th. Not going great, but this would be an amazing game. Palace coming to town. Palace have got to they've got to get cooking now they've got to get moving because they should by rights be one of the favourites to win this competition they've not been that good so far yeah they're 18th yeah very inconsistent although Fiorentina are 17th and they're obviously going to be in the final despite the terrible form they have in Italy I feel I see a bottom of Seattle they are they're not won a game though they're not won a game yet have they so I mean that tells its own story but I think alongside yeah what we're doing there Jim is we're basically looking at names of teams aren't we they're a big club so they'll be fine It is mad to see Palace in 18th.

49:02They've only played four games, but as you say, you would think, and perhaps this is just our kind of Premier League bias, but you would think that they would be certainly among the heavy favourites of this. I think Glasner's kind of a bit high on his own supply on that a little bit. He's kind of quite relaxed about where they're going to end. Well, he reckons he could just do this in his sleep. To put it in perspective with the UEFA Conference League, there's three teams in the top eight I have literally never heard of. FC Drita Rakov Chetoskova Right And Selye I've never heard of any of them No Okay It's wild how UEFA have bestowed this upon us I like it This is exactly what Probably like Galatasaray in the 90s You know These things Making him I mean I have heard of Galatasaray You will at some point have heard of Glastonbury Of Galatasaray At some point you will have heard of Galatasaray for the first time And it probably would have been a Champions League fixture against Man United, wouldn't it have been?

49:57If I could answer that in the most respectful way possible, I think that's a slightly different point. I don't think it is. I think it's exactly the right point. But I tell you what, you've been a naughty little elf this year, Lukey Moore. Crystal Palace are selling a Palace branded elf on a shelf in their Christmas range. I've got real issues with this. Are you doing elf on a shelf at the moment? Yeah, so I've only recently learned of the horrors of elf on a shelf. I think our kids are too young. Yeah, and I would imagine that you're both hoping that the trend is gone by then, right? because of the sheer amount of work involved.

50:25But mate, there's loads of things involved with having kids that you know they're going to be introduced to at some point in their lives. And your only job is to not introduce it to them. So like, it could be like chocolate. Cigarettes. Or, exactly. Elf on the shelf. We're going to have to do that probably because one of our children's friends is going to mention it. They're going to ask about it. There's an elf that lives around somebody else's house and I want to see the elf. Yeah, and I'll tell you what happens, Jim. And that inflection point right there, that crisis moment when your kid brings it to you unexpected, how good can you lie?

50:57Exactly. And if you're not quick enough, you're doing it. He's upstairs. He's upstairs. But I mean, the thing for me, I mean, I thought I was above it all, but then last year I did have an elf. Sarah does it for you, doesn't she? Certainly. I am the elf. It probably just appears that you're doing it for Sarah as well from the various things you do each night. I did find a load of elf on the shelf costumes that I bought last year in Aldi. Right. Daddy had some money last year. but the thing with the palace one is that they've done their own revision so they're not using the iconic naughty elf plastic face they've done their own face and I think that's that's dishonest so as I understand it just in case there's any listeners who don't have kids and aren't aware of how this works as I understand it each night after your children have gone to bed you set up something naughty that the elf has done right and they come down and find it and obviously you've got to do that in as many creative ways for what presumably 24 days right yes yeah is there one on Christmas morning as well or is it done by then I suppose the elf's gone off to help Santa by then I've not done it it's a bit like an advent calendar or other things it comes from a book a children's book right but that's a lot of work that's a lot of that's a full on creative project I think people sort of over complicated don't they they sort of throw a flower on the floor and you're like I'm not doing that just put them around the house it tends to be I think a handful of like cutesy Instagram influencers do it in a really creative way and everyone goes isn't that great and everyone else just complains about it does it last minute and hopes to avoid a tantrum in the morning oh the elf drank all the wine again the elf pissed in my pants oh the elf's been texting his ex-girlfriend the elf's been liking all those pictures on Instagram so that's why he's in the spare room with me well enjoy those pictures tonight in the Europa and the Europa Conference thank you very much for listening to the Football Ramble part of the Acast Creator Network I'll be back tomorrow with Luke and Marcus for the preview show say goodbye Luke goodbye and say goodbye Jim goodbye and it's goodbye from me

53:10the Football Ramble is a Stack Production and part of the Acast Creator Network