The Chelsea summer catalogue

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1:57Plus, because it's Whole Foods Market, you can feel good about the quality of the ingredients. Shop back-to-school must-haves at Whole Foods Market in-store or online. There are moments that reveal who we are and who we're meant to become. For those born to lead, such moments call for a vehicle of equal distinction. Dynamic by design, uncompromising in execution, the Range Rover Sport was engineered for those rare individuals who demand the world and possess the conviction to claim it. When your time to lead arrives, you need a vehicle that rises to meet it. The Range Rover Sport. Exclusive offers available now.

2:35Explore further at RangeRover.com. Hi, I'm Nick, co-host of The Best One Yet. You optimize your workouts, your portfolios, and that rando startup idea that hit you in the middle of the shower. But if you're not hydrated, you're already playing catch-up. So we keep a stash of Liquid IV in our studio. One stick mixed into 16 ounces of water is clinically demonstrated to hydrate faster than water alone with three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink, plus eight vitamins and nutrients. Whether you're traveling, exercising, or podcasting, the best business news ever, Liquid IV makes it easy to stay hydrated wherever life takes you.

3:07So shop now at liquidiv.com. Liquid IV hydration. That goes wherever life takes you. I've never seen an old man eating a Twix. Welcome to the Football Ramble. It is Wednesday, the 6th of August. I am Pete Donaldson. I'm Jim Campbell. And I'm Luke Moore. Good lads, all of them.

3:39Thank you to Friend of the Ramble, Johnny Foley, for giving us that intro line. If you want to submit an intro line for a future episode, then become a Friend of the Ramble. Sign up for just$5 a month. You will get an extended edition of today's show where we're discussing Rod Stewart's insane tribute to Ozzy Osbourne and a local butcher's from Luke's area, if I have anything to do with it. Just get yourself to patreon.com forward slash football ramble to get involved. because it's transfer window time guys I'm expecting to have to pronounce a lot of foreign names so I'm mispronouncing English names I'm saying and like that and I don't mean to I don't mean to it's called Andy Brasselitis it's Andy Brasselitis like when I once I once went to a restaurant for lunch with Andy who had been recently speaking in Portuguese I think down the phone to someone interviewing him right and he walked in and the first thing the waiter said to him is would you like anything to drink and he wanted to say no but he was still in Portuguese mode so he just went now like a little one of the weirdest things that's ever like he's I've ever seen him do like he'd been taken over by a fly or a bee I should also point out that on Ramblin Cut today for those people who listen to us for football they're absolutely mugs I've got an Ed Sheeran Ipswich Town Story oh very nice yeah so look forward to that there are a lot of sort of Ed Sheeran lookalikes at the moment and I'm kind of confused as to where they've all come from the redhead men of the UK are just kind of uniting and they've just sort of started spreading out to Ed Sheeran lookalike sort of contests can you give us any examples?

5:15well I don't know any of their names I've just seen a lot of them kicking around just online and stuff are they mobilising? excellent football shot this isn't it like someone comes listening to this show for the first time it's a football show you'll like it it's funny I don't know any of the players names I don't know any of their names oh no I've not seen there's any football related lookalikes in world football. Oh, just general lookalikes. Just general. So I don't know any of the lookalikes names. So you've fallen foul of a little bit of, you know, admin there, I think. Yeah, I think one of the things also we should probably point out to new Ramble listeners is that regularly we will just switch off when the other one's talking.

5:53That's a good point, actually. It's great broadcasting. Me and Luke are actually in the same building, but we're in different rooms. It's very, very confusing. Do they need to know that? Is that of interest? I think that's good. I think they need to know that I could run down and restrain you if your opinions get to White Hart. You're on the fourth floor. The dead air would be a crime there. And I'll have to stop for biscuits.

6:12Jim Campbell: Anyway, Phil, if it ends with you two having a fight, I'll fill. Maybe that's how I'll end the show. I'll just run into your frame. We're on different floors. It's been reported this morning that Manchester United are closing in on a deal for RB Leipzig striker Benioff Szesko. Newcastle had a£78 million bid accepted for Szesko. However, it is believed, because this is what seems to be happening, this transfer window, the player seems to want to go to Manchester United. I mean, it really is bizarre old world stuff, Luki Moore. People talk a good game about wanting to play in the Champions League, but when they get that bloody biscuit dangled in front of them, they don't want it.

6:48They want to hang out with miserable Ruben Amirim, don't they? Yeah. Have you guys seen the horror TV series called From? I haven't, but I'm aware of it. Vish put me onto it. It's not Stephen King, but it's kind of Stephen King in style. And people are stuck in this village where they're haunted overnight by these kind of otherworldly beings. And no matter what exit to the village they try and take to leave, they always come back to where they started from. They can't leave. It's kind of like Newcastle United trying to sign a player. I did not see this plot twist coming. that those of us who aren't perhaps in favour of, you know, petro-dollar states owning football clubs in the Premier League might well have little smiles on themselves knowing that a team like Newcastle United can have all the money in the world but are still finding it absolutely impossible to sign a single player.

7:40With the exception of Anthony Alanga, of course, who somehow had the wall pulled over his eyes. Maybe the exit on the motorway up towards Manchester was closed, so he had to go to Newcastle. Other than that, no one's doing it. He did want to take that tall road and sort of decide where it's going to be. He used to play for United as well. If any of them were going to go back there.

7:59Jim Campbell: Surely if anyone is not going to go back there is someone who's been there before and seen all this. True, actually, yeah. He's managed to escape the town in From, hasn't he? I've got to go back there again. Do people sort of need, like, do you know when Newcastle United signed Rob Lee, Kevin Keegan managed to tell Rob Lee that Newcastle was closer to London than Manchester? Maybe you just need to do a little bit of this, Can I come in on the Rob Lee thing? Because I don't think it's something we've discussed before. And I think it's a big oversight of ours here at the Ramble. Is Rob Lee the only football player or he's certainly the most notable football player where if you're talking about him, you simply have to say both his names?

8:38Oh, yeah. No one just says Lee. Are there any good Lees? Are there a lot of Lees in football though? I mean, he's got to be the best, most high-performing Lee in world football, surely. Lee Chapman. Yeah, but it's not second-hand. But if I was to say Dewsbury Hall, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Rob Lee has to be said like Rob Lee. People listening out there will tell us, is there any other player that we have to always say their full name for? Yeah. Franny Lee? Just stop. Forget the Lee thing. Forget the Lee thing. I'm talking about names generally. To be fair, there are a lot of more decorated, better Lees in football.

9:14football, I just realised he won absolutely nothing. So yeah, I mean... I'm not talking about Benjamin Seska. I've already described what I think of him as a player. We've done it 14 times. We don't have to do it again. Jim can do it. Why can't Newcastle United sign a football player? I think we spoke about this when the Piff Posse took over Newcastle United. I think I made the point at the time that there's no guarantee that this will work. They're not guaranteed to get all the right pieces in to make this a success. And the sort of, the craziness in the boardroom really has sort of cost Eddie Howe, like a lot of time.

9:49What kind of craziness is it in the boardroom? Someone's brought like a little miniature piano in. Yeah, dogs. Someone's juggling with apples but eating at the same time. What's happening in there? Yeah, I don't know. Someone's brought a dog in, yeah. He said, they just, the set up at Newcastle United just seems to be a little bit chaotic. Like, you've got a manager who kind of wants to do everything, wants to sign everyone. He wants to coach everyone. and you can't get away with doing that in a Champions League set-up. You can't get away with do that. You can't get away with do that. Stop picking on me.

10:18Do you want a horse? You can horse. No, I like it. You bloody horse. I love sitting here sniping. I'll fucking come down there.

10:23Jim Campbell: I'll snipe it. This does seem like... You'll never find me, Donaldson. There's 54 boobs in this building. This does seem like a slightly different example than that, though, Pete, doesn't it? It seems that Sesco has very much chosen Old Trafford over St. James' Park. Yeah, which I simply don't believe, Jim. It's just not a thing that a human would do. That does seem baffling to those of us who don't work in the football industry. But, I mean, I'm very surprised that it looks like Man United are about to pull this off. In terms of their attack, it has been a phenomenal window for them. They probably need some defensive reinforcements as well.

10:58Jim Campbell: But obviously they've got a lot of players that they can shift and perhaps use to fund that coming in. So, I mean, it's a huge coup. And the thing I find interesting about Sesko and why I thought actually it was a particularly good fit for Newcastle, other than his physicality, which would be kind of consistent with their style, is that I think he and Eketike really are the two players who are the closest in profile in terms of their potential to Ezek when he came into Newcastle. So you think, you know, that's exactly the type of player you need to be targeting to replace a player like that. And I'm kind of staggered at the trouble they're having.

11:38Jim Campbell: It's probably going to be Nicholas Jackson. I know I keep kind of linking him to anyone who's not getting their first choice. No one has ever talked about a single other person more often than you and Nicholas Jackson. It's never happened. Just because he's available. You talk about him more than I talk about fucking Neil Young with Pete. Yes, he will be present at the first day of school and graduate. He's obsessed. Yeah, I mean, it's interesting because I think with this final move, I've said it every single show for the past five weeks, these strikers, these deals just take a long time to get through.

12:13And if he goes to Man United, I just get the sense that if the club were ever going to pull rank and just say, look, you're staying at the club for another season, I think this would be the situation. and I think that might cost Izaka's move. I think they'll have to at this point. I like just the sheer terror of the news that Benjamin Sesko might join Man United. Rasmus Hoyland turned into the most Mancunian bloke of all time to try and adhere himself to the fans. Have you heard how he speaks now? No, I haven't heard him. He speaks like he's from... Oasis? Burnage. It's amazing. Yeah, true. Yeah, that's true.

12:53He speaks so Mancunian. It's like he's almost saying, I'm Man United through and through, though. You can't drop me. I'm a local lad. It's Mank Girl summer. And I'm the biggest Mank of all. He's having a Mank Girl summer. He's having a Mank Girl summer. Elsewhere, Everton have agreed a£28 million deal to sign a Keenan at Dewsbury Hall from Chelsea. Fulham were interested in him, but he has opted to join Everton. I mean, it's an interesting situation for Chelsea. they've had a really good window but most of the kind of situations have sort of been outgoings. They could probably afford to buy a women's team and put them back in the club maybe.

13:33That would be quite good. Imagine, you think Newcastle United fans feel upset that they can't get someone in because they've chosen Man United. Imagine someone choosing Everton over you. That's a big one, isn't it?

13:45Jim Campbell: Yeah, they already live in West London. Like, nah. Yeah, and the managers come out and said literally no player wants to play for this club. Kinnan Dewsbury Hall stepped up. Yeah. I mean, Moyes needed bodies and he needed to replace the industry and goals from midfield of Decorier. But it's... They're kind of... He obviously had a very, very good season, season before last, but his last one wasn't all that good. Well, I think it's not being played. He's been... I think it's something like two Premier League starts for Chelsea last season. and definitely been a victim of the way that Chelsea have been doing things in recent years.

14:27He featured a fair amount in the Europa Conference League, which of course they won. He made a contribution to that. Scored against Jürgen. I think he scored against Benfica as well. But that's a competition that simply has not got any impact at the moment. No one really watches it. They'll be taking a loss on him, but I suppose the way they do the transfer to this means that won't be felt particularly badly. I think it's a good sign of Everton. I completely agree with you, Pete. They need numbers. Moyes Asili wants 10 players and he wants Premier League experience. Well, he's going to get one player there and he's going to get a bit of Premier League experience.

15:01I think the other area Everton have looked into is trying to pick up Tyler Dibbling from Southampton, which I think is another really good idea. Tyler Dibbling is one of the only bright spots of Southampton's season last year. It's inevitable he's going to move on at some point because clearly he's a Premier League quality youngster and he'll want to stay in the top flight. How good is he going to be? We don't know because Sam Hampton were just so shockingly bad last season. But he has definitely been someone that a lot of teams like the look of. So that's a nice stepping stone for him, I think.

15:31He won't necessarily be demanding things like European football at the age he is. So it feels like a nice way back into the top flight for him and a nice landing spot. Jim, I don't know if you feel the same.

15:42Jim Campbell: Yeah, I think obviously he's got a lot of potential, but it's difficult to truly judge. his level as you say because they were they had such a difficult season and it might just be that he was a bright spark in a in a terrible team he was held back by that and it might also be the case that it's very easy to overrate him just because he looked like a bright spark in such a terrible team what i find really interesting about this transfer is everton have had a 40 million pound bid rejected for him um and then southampton went back with a counter offer which is 45 million plus 5 million in achievable add-ons and i think possibly a sell-on clause as well it's like is it like bring your child to work day in the negotiation team it's like that's surely not how it works is it no what actually why don't you come back with a much much better deal for us with like loads of extra stuff you've not offered then maybe we'll think about it that is a negotiation though isn't it i mean that's what you do surely i have no idea it just seems a little are you trying to buy a house at the moment i'm worried about five minutes before uh we started it was like Sorry, I've just got to pause the recording because there's problems.

16:46There's problems with the mortgage. There's always problems with the mortgage, though isn't there, Jim?

16:49Jim Campbell: Yeah, it's boring, isn't it? It's really boring. It's just a difficult, difficult, difficult situation. But, I mean, you do sort of think from Tyler's perspective, what would you prefer? What do you think of the best seasoning for a, how was he, 19, something like that? The best seasoning for a player of that age. Would you just fancy like a year absolutely whipping everyone in the championship? That wouldn't be a bad little task, would it? Do you know what? I don't think it necessarily always works like that. I think you play to the level you're at. Right. Clearly, players, you do get examples of players that are very fast and good for the championship, but you could easily get bogged down in what is a really busy season, relentless turnover of games, perhaps you pick up injuries because it's pretty intense and all the rest of it.

17:37And I think if you're a player of that age, I think he is 19, you clearly in training every day want to be surrounded by the very best players. So to him, I imagine he'd rather do, you know, 15 Premier League games next season at a big club in the Premier League than do, you know, 50 games at Sarampton in the Championship, which could be tough for them next season, given what they went through last season. So I think in reality, clearly he wants to move on. And also, I mean, I imagine that part of the reason he's going is because he wants to go, right? I mean, I said that at the top of this. I don't think he wants to be hanging around the Championship, because you can get easily forgotten about.

18:11Yeah, true. West Ham are in advance. I mean, this show is going to be just transfer after transfer. It's just a smorgasbord of transfers that I don't care about. A proper pickety of transfers. I mean, people are really moving and moving quickly because they just need... Everyone's sort of coming back from their kind of ill-fated in many different situations, such as Sejeans to the Far East and America and stuff. And now they're just sort of coming back and bedding in new players. But yes, West Ham are in advance talks to sign goalkeeper John from Botafogo. He does have two names, but I think John will be fine.

18:44John Victor. John Victor, he will be fine for the Premier League season. Sounds like a Spitfire pilots call sign. He does. That's true, yes. Where that John Texter cash is going to go from Botafogo, we just don't know. It's like uncut gems. He's sort of moving money around all over the place. It's very, very stressful. But I mean, it's worth reminding ourselves that West Ham have been looking for a goalkeeper for a good couple of months now. It's reached crisis point if you watched them the other night. It's reached crisis point. And now they're in for John. And about two days ago, he did a lovely sort of basic pass to one of the opposing players against Botafogo.

19:22So, look, keep an eye. He looks like an incredible shot stopper, but he could also be a one-off man mental, as they say. So, yeah, very enjoyable. They're also reportedly, West Ham, this is not Botafogo, but you just don't know. They're interested in Chelsea's Raheem Sterling as well. Fulham and Crystal Palace have also expressed interest in signing him because he wants to stay in London. The scene is so typically Raheem. So, I will say how that one pans out. Jim, if you were Raheem Sterling, where would you go?

19:54Jim Campbell: I would follow the Willian highway, having had a terrible season at Arsenal, and then go and have a really good season at Fulham. I think that's the, you know, there's proof that that works if you believe in such things. So I would absolutely do that. I mean, Palace would be good as well. I understand why he wants to stay in London at this point. He'd probably just kind of feel settled in that aspect of his life, so he doesn't want to disrupt it. I also think we have to actually just acknowledge what a service Chelsea do to the transfer window because they're basically Westfield, aren't they? It's a bit overwhelming.

20:28Jim Campbell: It's not cheap, but there's massive variety. And if you know what you want when you go in there, you can get what you need. It's ridiculous. They're a one-stop shop for absolutely anything you can think of. The player section on their website might as well have an option where you can just bid, just do it all online. It is just relentless. I've never been more convinced in my life that Raheem Sterling going to West Ham would be a failure. Yeah, I know what you mean. I've never been more convinced about any signing. You reckon? Oh, mate. Yeah. Trust me. Like him and, yeah, I'm just sort of thinking like, they're quite light up top and they don't really need another kind of like...

21:08You're having another dig at Callum Wilson. Well, Callum Wilson can't stay fit. Raheem Sterling's not the most kind of able and willing to move around these days.

21:18Jim Campbell: To be fair, Pete, it's not that he doesn't run or doesn't put the effort in it. It just genuinely seems that his technique has deserted him. There's a theory, isn't there, that once you hit about 500 games at the top level, then your game suffers a lot and he is at that point. Did you see the Liverpool Twitter pages going absolutely crazy because one of their footballers ran with the ball? Yes, I saw that. And basically they talked about it as if he'd invented running. Yeah, it was using his right foot to control the ball and using his left foot to balance. That's just having two legs. Yeah. That is just having two legs.

21:57What's the alternative there? Why must they keep doing this? It's basically because it's Rio and Gamora, isn't it? Who everyone's really excited about. And I think they're just desperate to have a wonder kid. Yeah.

22:08Jim Campbell: Yeah. To be fair, he's doing his part on that front. He looks fantastic. Yeah, he does. He looks like a really great young player. But if you want me to read the actual tweet from the esteemable Watch LFC Twitter account, who have got over 200 ,000 followers in the Internet's town square, which is now X. The tweet is a video, a 50-second video of young Rio. It says, 10 perfect touches, all with his right foot while using his left to stabilize himself. You don't understand how perfectionist this is unless you've played to a certain level. It's truly next level. I just why I mean I tell you you said Chelsea is a gift to the transfer window Liverpool FC online fans are very much that too first reply first reply which other leg would he use to stabilise himself oh my goodness can I read another reply yeah go on the reason this is crazy because usually players don't stabilise themselves with their standing foot they typically jump on one leg no wonder The slogan is you never walk alone.

23:17Yeah. Obviously, he's a very young, promising player. Moving on to, it's been removed from the running order, but it's definitely getting mentioned. I don't care what anybody says. Yes, David Lewis has joined Suprinside Pathos. Come on. 38 years young. He just wants some hot, dry summers, no humidity for that hair. Lovely to see. The hair is starting to, I mean, I don't want a hair shame. Right. Because one other person on this show today may be facing the same problem. It's not for me to judge. David Luiz's hair is beating something of a retreat, which is a problem when you've nailed so much of your identity around your hair.

23:59It's much more noticeable, right? He's now becoming a man who might need to make a decision pretty quickly. I noticed in the photo for the club itself, the quote-unquote deal done, done deal, whatever they say photo. He's wearing a kind of Stephen Van Zandt, Keith Richards type big bandana over the hair line, which may tell its own story. Could that be sort of covering up a multitude of sins? A multitude of large foreheads. He's doing what Jimi Hendrix did, putting loads of acid tabs in it. Yes, yeah. That would explain a lot, wouldn't it? Yeah. The way he played back in his career. I mean, I would say that I would prefer, you know, the Steve Van Zandt headscarf and that unveiling to what we got at Galatasaray all the weekend.

24:49They've signed Victor Osserman on a permanent deal from Napoli in their announcement video. I mean, it has to be a chat GPT penned screed, but it was a mask. 100%. A mask doesn't just protect. Basically, the video is him on a boat in the... It's a bosphorus, isn't it? The river in... It is. And he says... You're welcome for checking, though. Thanks. A mask doesn't just protect. Sometimes it tells the story of a character. Sometimes the birth of a legend. Sometimes the soul of a city. I think... A lot of people are saying that the VO is fake and it's AI. I think the VO is real, but I think the script is fake and it's made the VO sound fake.

25:30Does that make sense? No, I think it's, Jim, you're coming on this, but I think it's an AI voice as well. I think the way that he pronounces Galatasaray, no human being would ever pronounce it like that. Is it not one of those trans world sports international pronunciations? It sounds like it's a bit like that.

25:45Jim Campbell: I think it's trained on that sort of thing, but it sounds too clipped and it sounds unnatural. It's so easy to just pay a human being to do it. And sometimes the soul of the city, it's the most ironic thing for probably the most soulless piece of marketing guff we will see all summer. It's awful. absolutely awful. It doesn't make any sense either. Like, it's just really overwrought Ernest nonsense. I'm sure somebody will come up with some old AI slop sooner rather than later. All right, then, coming up after this, a Spurs fan, bloody hits Harry Kane.

26:26Hi, this is Kim and Penn Holderness from the Lifelines podcast. This episode is sponsored by Oli. your wellness partner for back to school and beyond. Back to school season is here. Packed backpacks, packed lunches, and packed schedules are officially back. Ollie Kids Sleep helps little dreamers wind down with a gentle blend of melatonin, L-theanine, and botanicals for restful sleep.

26:48Jim Campbell: Translation, an easy way to put those school night negotiations to bed. And for the grownups, Ollie Sleep helps you fall asleep, stay asleep, and wake up feeling refreshed. Because as you know, the morning mayhem comes early. Visit Oli.com and stock up on back-to-school must-haves today. That's O-L-L-Y.com. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. There are moments that reveal who we are and who we're meant to become. For those born to lead, such moments call for a vehicle of equal distinction.

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29:10We'll be right back.

29:21I would like to thank President Trump, with whom I have a great friendship, and to assure him that together we will make not only America great again, but also the entire world. It's just good to see, isn't it? He really sounds like Arnie.

29:41Jim Campbell: Yeah, I thought it was him at first. That's weird, isn't it? The first sentence. It sounds massively like Arnie. He's probably training his voice on him. That was Gianni Infantino, right? Yeah, Gianni Infantino thanking President Trump for stealing a trophy. In almost every scene, we spoke about it before, but almost every scene where a football or sports team enters the Oval Office, he just never seems to know what the hell's going on. So he'd probably just look at that trophy and sort of go, what's this for again? I like it, it's golden, but I don't really know what it's for. In yesterday's Mailbag, we discussed whether Kane and Son deserved statues after leaving Tottenham.

30:15Tottenham fan Callum got in touch. As Tottenham fans, we've come to realise that we loved Harry Kane more than he ever loved us. And it's shown in how he's barely mentioned us since leaving, including winning the Cup. Son embodied what we were on the pitch and truly, deeply loved the club. Kane never really felt like he loved us. It's always Son over Kane from now on. That's a spicy meatball, isn't it? Yeah, I think that's really harsh from Callum. Callum, isn't it? I kind of always assumed that people loved Harry.

30:44Jim Campbell: Yeah, and I also would wonder how often players talk about their former clubs while they're playing for their next club. That's a bit much. That's a bit kind of like, I never loved you anyway. And the best thing I ever did was get kicked out by my wife. That's like, are you living in your car, Callum? Well, thank you, Tottenham fan, Callum, for getting in touch. After Luke said that Dutch cuisine is the worst in the world, Annika got in touch. They said that The Dutch herrings are great. They also have some pretty good cheese. Good point, actually. It's not a good point, is it? It's not a good point.

31:18Thank you for getting in touch, Annika. I'm sorry I said that. It sounds pretty harsh written in front of me like that. But the Dutch do not have some pretty good cheese. Name me one type of cheese that the Dutch make that's actually anything more than just a little, very mild, tepid load of nonsense. You've got Edam, Gouda, Leerdamer. They're the only ones I can think of. And none of those taste of anything. No, I think they're quite solid. I think they're quite... Have you ever tried to toast Edam on cheese on toast as well? No. Does not toast. Does not take a heap very well. Does not take a heap.

31:54Interesting. Elsewhere, I mean, I don't know why this is in here. I'm fairly certain this has something to do with Lukey World. But Luca Peet's moustache game is top tier, says Thomas on YouTube. Marks and Jim need to get involved. So I feel I'm being lectured in football by people who look like they would send me to my death in the Great War. I'm considering... I didn't put that in there. I know, but I think you're quite proud of how your moustache has gone. And you should be. It's a lovely moustache.

32:19Jim Campbell: Yeah, we would all... I think Jim and Marcus should grow up and get one. Jim could definitely do one. Well, I've got one now. It's just got beard around it. It's a lot of maintenance, isn't it? If I were to do a sort of semi-Victor Jokeres thing, sort of see what that would look like. And we don't have different colour ones to be quite good. I don't think there is a lot of upkeep. Do you spend your time sort of clipping it? I've got some scissors I trim it with. How many days does it take to trim? I just trim it here and there because I get some grey hairs coming into it. It makes me look... I wouldn't mind having a grey moustache, but when you've got individual grey hairs, it just looks a bit dirty.

32:52A bit of grizzling. I can't really speak on that. Well, let's move back away from the moustaches and towards the football once more because this is the Football Ramble. Liverpool fans got a chance to see all four of their key new signings in action. Both of their legs together on Monday night as Liverpool played back-to-back friendly matches against Athletic Club. Both matches were held at Anfield, one after the other. Liverpool absolutely spanked the teams, 4-1 and 3-2. What a show of strength this is.

33:21Jim Campbell: This was like a Chinese military parade. Two in a row! Is 3-2 a spanking? It's not, is it? 4-1 is. I think off the back of a 4-1, I think it is another spanking. You've had three goals put past you there. Yeah, fair. Well, the aforementioned Rio and Gamora played, caught the attention. I think there is obviously plans to get him involved this season. The same way we were talking earlier in the week about Max Downing at Arsenal. He seems to be another one that Arsenal might want to look at a little bit more closely this year as well in the first team. So, yeah, very exciting stuff for Liverpool.

33:56They've strengthened from a position of strength. I was writing this new column I started yesterday about Premier League title winners, who fancies winning it. And Liverpool are really, really strong favourites again, you know? Really strong. For a 38-game season with a lot of variables, I backed them to win the Premier League last season at 7-1. And this season, they're 9-5. There's no value in it whatsoever. And when you look at the players they're bringing in, and in this case with the young and Gamora, the young player you've got coming through I mean, I think they're going to be pretty formidable again this season if they can maintain that intensity and not have that kind of inner relaxation because they've won the league, right?

34:41It's really hard to defend the Premier League I think and I think the statistics play that out for the most part So that aside, I think they look really good.

34:50Jim Campbell: I think the one area that's quite interesting and is highlighted by this game is that Virgil van Dijk missed the game through illness and Joe Gomez is out as well. And obviously we know Joe Gomez has had quite a lot of injury issues. So they do look a little bit light at centre half, which makes me think that if they can sell the players they're trying to sell, such as Chiesa, Elliott, Nunes, and if they do have a chunk of change left over if they do manage to sign Isaac, possibly they will be looking at Mark Gay as well. Because I do think they might be a little bit light at centre half. That's the only kind of...

35:21Jim Campbell: Yeah, that's, I mean, that would be a big move. Look, I think those players you've listed there, Jim, I mean, Elliot needs to go somewhere where he can play every week, in my opinion. I mean, that'd be a massive bonus for his career and for his England prospects and just generally. I think that I get why they want to move Chiesa on. I'm sad that they do because I think he's a great player. I really like watching him play and he hasn't had enough game time at all this season. It's not quite worked out for him. The romantic in me would love him to stay and make an impact, but I suspect that's probably quite fanciful.

35:52and Nunez is not for the level they want to be at it's not reliable enough so I can't get that one Where are they in the Champions League sort of pecking orders betting wise because I imagine they're probably quite high They'll be favourites mate I haven't checked I might look at that at some point on anywinners.substack.com but I think I'd be very very surprised if they're not favourites for it mate They've signed so well and they look like they continue to be signing really well In the clubs the pack that are coming up from the Championship. Sunderland have given a new three-year deal to manager Régis Labrie after their promotion back to the Premier League.

36:29He got Sunderland obviously out of the Championship in his first season in charge of the club. I've been quite cruel about Sunderland's chances, much to the presumed consternation of one day of cartilage of our parish. They have signed a lot of older footballers to try and get that sort of mean age up, but they almost need twice that amount of playerage coming into the side. I mean, it's amazing that they managed to land Granit Xhaka, a real statement of intent for a team coming up. But they've just brought in Enzo Lafayette on a permanent deal. He was on loan there last season, but because they got promoted, they've had the obligation to make that deal permanent.

37:11A lot of these players don't have Premier League experience, Luke, but do you still see Sunderland struggling hard? We've talked a lot about what you've got to do if you want to give yourself a chance of staying in the Premier League. It's either that you take your chances. I don't mean literally take your chances, but I mean you just keep your powder dry, try and somehow shithouse your way to it, or you spend loads and loads of money. Sunderland have spent well over£120 million, I think, already. I imagine they'll do some more. Then the challenge becomes getting those players to blend. and with Reggie Debris he's a guy who got Lorient relegated from Ligue 1 I think and lost his job he's not got a massive amount of experience but I think the second tier guys another stack show who covers the championship exclusively have been pretty impressed with him and the fact that he's delivered Premier League football back to Sunderland is an amazing achievement and the club then giving him another deal to boost the confidence so that you're our guy to back you is a really big statement of intent as well So I think some of them are putting their best foot forward here.

38:18I wonder if they might surprise a few people. I'm kind of, I'm probably leaning more towards the David Cartlidge camp than I am the Pete Darnson camp. Not just for reasons of him being a much more handsome man, but just because I think I am more convinced by his arguments than I am yours at this point, Pete. But I mean, we have to live in the reality that says that, you know, the teams that came out last year were nowhere near it. They were nowhere near it. And so there needs to be a big change there. It cuts quite a different feeling to say what's happening at Leeds, for example, because as soon as Leeds got promoted, there was talk they were going to fire the manager because he couldn't do it in the Premier League.

38:56So the fact that Sandler backed him, I think, is really interesting. Xhaka, I agree, really big statement of intent. I like, as Jim was saying the other day, I like Simona Dhingra as well. He's a good player. It's going to be a fascinating start to the season for them. If they can build some momentum and actually start okay, you never know. So I'm getting quite positive vibes from them, you know. It feels a bit Nottingham Forest, the way they've acquired as many players who are kind of either free agents or like an amount of money. Jim?

39:25Jim Campbell: Yeah, and they're also looking at Mark Guiou from Chelsea, who's a player who's obviously not played much for Chelsea, but has looked pretty good when he has. And obviously they're a resource to use if you're a Premier League club, looking to loan someone from there, as we've touched on already. I'm just trying to think of a way to mention Nicholas Jackson again. You know what, he's fine, he'll come up. but yeah it's it's I think of the three coming up they're the most intriguing aren't they because of the volume of your signings because the Xhaka one's interesting and they've been linked with Dominic Calvert-Lewin as well this week very interesting yeah I think all of the clubs are going to have to approach the Premier League very very differently I think in terms of how previous promoted clubs have where I think there used to be a sense that you could come up and if you've come up through swashbuckling, maybe you keep that style and you'll be okay.

40:15Jim Campbell: I think everybody knows you can't do that now. So it'll be very, very interesting to see how these new teams approach that. Let me just come in and tell you something, just to expand on what I said earlier, because I really want to mention the fact that when I say if they can get a start and build some momentum, Sunderland's first four games in the Premier League this season, West Ham at home, Burnley away, Brentford at home, Crystal Palace away. They are all winnable games. I'm not saying they'll win all of them. I'm not saying they'll even win any of them. But on paper, that is a start you'd be very happy with if you're something.

40:48Yeah. And the fan base deserves it. They follow that team through thick and thin. And one of the best supports in the entire football pyramid. All right, well, coming up after this, a man is bitten on his balls.

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42:59Welcome back to the Football Ramble. I do not know why this story didn't lead the entire pack today on the Ramble, but former Barcelona forward Carlos Perez has been injured after a dog attacked him and bit him on the balls. A dog attacked a man, bit him on the balls. He happens to be a footballer. Just great news for the Ramble all round, Jim.

43:21Jim Campbell: It is. I mean, it's obviously horrific for him personally. I hope his knob or balls make a full recovery, but it is going to make it onto this show, isn't it? I think he was walking his dog. Another dog attacked his dog and him and unfortunately sank its teeth into his gonads, which is just what you're known for forevermore, isn't it? Yeah, I like to think that when Carlos Perez finally gets the news of the football rambler of taking the piss out of him for having his bollocks bitten by a dog, he just looked and goes, they're just doing their job. It works. Yeah, exactly. I think if that happened to Mo Salah, it would be part of his legacy forever.

43:56Jim Campbell: It just would. But I mean, this guy, this is the main thing now. This is the headline. Listen, if you're not somebody who knows Carlos Perez's career that well, he played, I think, just a handful of times for Barcelona and is now playing in Greece on loan from Celta Vigo. I mean, allow me to avow you of the personal life section on this Wikipedia page, which states the following. On the 27th of August 2020, he tested positive for COVID-19. in July 2025 he was admittedly to hospital after being bitten in the genital area by a dog COVID related was it oh maybe he'd had the jab and attracted a dog to his testicles the reason I won't be taking the COVID jab is because not because I think Bill Gates has put a chip in it but because it attracts dogs that will bite me on the nuts bite me on the nuts you guys are both adjacent to dogs quite regularly what's the worst dog related injury you've had Pete Iremote you up for a fact that your dog used to piss on your head in bed?

44:56I don't think it did piss on my head. I think he got his pissy willy on my head. Oh, that's it. Yeah, sorry. Going for the sauce. But it's usually just when he decides to run around a tree, run around my daughter, and I've got a kind of... And the actual lead goes around the leg and burns like a big hole in your leg. And also when he is obsessed with a ball going underneath the sofa, you try and help him out by getting to his level, he gets incredibly excited and just starts clawing at your face because he's so excited about the ball. He wants the ball. The ball is his life. Has he gone after your nuts?

45:33I've never... In the same way you shouldn't cook bacon naked, you can't ever catch yourself going for a ball when you're completely Billy Bollocks. I would like to chuck a couple of strays to the writer Guillermo Rai's direction, if that's all right, in this piece in The Athletic about the testicle dog intervention. The actual title... How many words did The Athletic get out of it? You know what? It was pretty sparse, to be honest. Three paragraphs, that's all you got. But it did say, former Barcelona forward Carlos Perez injured after being bitten by dog in genital area. Pathetic. Yeah, absolutely.

46:11Also, I'm looking forward to The Athletic's deep dive where they go to the village the dog grew up in. Yeah. and found out what turned into it. What training he had. Did he study under fucking Johan Cruyff? Yeah. Why wasn't Michael Cox covering this? Anyway. Very good. That's nice. That's nice, man.

46:29Jim Campbell: I've also been bitten by a dog. It'll probably be surprising to nobody. My girlfriend and I were dog-sitting on the Isle of Man, looking after a little Westie called Hugo, later known as Fred Westie because of his behaviour by us. and another one called Gemma who was a little, like a pug mix but like a pug with a normal face which was quite weird and another dog called Flo there were loads of dogs everywhere and Hugo went to bite Gemma I'm trying to pull him off he sinks his teeth into me by accident got to go to A &E it's on the Isle of Man you'd think that'd be quite easy but it was the day of the TT race so it's their one busy weekend of the whole year A &E is packed it was raining Packed with bleeding motorcycle riders.

47:13Jim Campbell: Yeah, exactly. Packed with people with real injuries. Me with a dog bite. And yeah, my girlfriend had to stand in the rain because there was no space inside. So yeah. I've also been bitten by a deer and stung by a jellyfish. It's quite mad how there's so many dogs on the Isle of Man because of course the Isle of Dogs is quite heavily populated with men. Yeah. So it's like a reversal. Well, it's man's best friend, isn't it? So, you know. Makes sense. Little swap deal. Speaking of exposed genitals slash bombs, Ipswich's offender Harry Clark just got his bum out on the telly for some reason. Ashley Young was being interviewed.

47:50He's just signed for Ipswich inexplicably. But Harry Clark decided to, in the background, in soft focus, just pull out his arse on Sky Sports like he'd never been seen on the television before. I don't think he knew he was being filmed, did he? He was back to the camera and he was quite far away. He knew he was being filmed. He knew his bomb was going to be seen by everyone.

48:11Jim Campbell: I really don't think he was because Harry Clark is the same player who on his debut last season scored an own goal, conceded a penalty and got sent off. At one point, Ipswich were 2-0 up before his interventions and it was two yellows. And obviously Brian Mbumo scored a 96-minute winner in that game. Now he's accidentally mooning the nation. I think we're witnessing the birth of a superstar here. This is as exciting to me as Lamine Yamal is. I think so, yeah. Write a piece about it, I think. PSV have won the first Jorn Cruyff's Shield after beating Go Ahead Eagles in the Dutch equivalent of the Community Shield.

48:49Why we're talking about this is just basically what happened after the goal. Perisic fell over the advertising holdings for PSV and accidentally sort of rubbed his face all over a journalist's laptop. It was a wonderful... Such a good form. He sort of goes over... He goes arse over the holdings happens to sort of land his face almost completely. Like he was trying to sort of do like a face, you know, like when you're at the airport and you put your fingerprints down. Yeah, it was. It's like he's trying to do a request to grok with his face. Yes, exactly. He's faced on the keyboard for ages. Yeah, it was so good.

49:30So it's worth, there's actually two angles on Reddit you can check out. It's more memorable than anything he did at Spurs. No, completely agree. Completely agree. And finally for now, Vermont Green and Ballard FC battled it out in the playoff final in USL League 2, a semi-professional league in America. Hey, why are we talking about the semi-professional league, USL League 2? I hear you ask. Well, Vermont Green won the match with a 92nd minute winner. And before the game, they unveiled a T4 of Bernie Sanders. And it read, welcome to the Bernie Bill. I mean, it's a good sight. it's a massive T4 and it looks incredibly janky and I am a big fan of it Bernie also had a Shea Guevara hat on in the T4 as well did the BBC put it on in post I spent quite a lot of time in the beautiful state of Vermont in northeastern USA as my wife's uncle calls it behind the maple curtain in Vermont and I would very much like to go visit that club they're a very interesting club I've like, there's a lot to like about them.

50:39They've been, you know, they've been pretty successful in their short time as a football club. I might head up there next time I go over to that part of the world. Yeah, please do. It's one of those places that because, you know, people, they land in Florida or New York or, you know, maybe they're sort of heading to like the Atlanta to go on elsewhere. I just think Vermont's not a place where people generally sort of visit from the UK. It's a bit of a gem, isn't it? I've only ever been there to go to visit family, but it's absolutely beautiful. Vermont Green are based in Burlington, which is a couple of hours north of where my wife's family lives.

51:13But the drive is just extraordinary, particularly in the autumn. It's so nice. But Vermont Green have only been around for, I think, three or four years now. And I think they're either a completely net zero club or they're on the way to trying to be one. They're basically like the forest green rovers of that part of the world without having the annoying Dale Vince owning them or giving Duncan Ferguson the job, for example. What's their green tea game like? That's the question. What is their vegan food like? Well, thank you for listening to the Football Ramble, part of the Aircast Creator Network.

51:47Patreon subscribers, you know what to do. Well, you know what not to do, I suppose. Don't go anywhere. Keep listening for Ramble Uncut. If you're not a Patreon subscriber, sign up to get Ramble Uncut every single Wednesday. Head over to patreon.com forward slash football ramble right now. Say goodbye, Jim. Bye. Say goodbye, Luke. Goodbye. Put your bum away.

52:13The Football Ramble is a Stack Production and part of the Acast Creator Network.

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