Giggling about scammers, skincare, and seafood

0:00Hannah Berner: Feeling short on smiles?

0:02Paige DeSorbo: Does your frown need to be turned upside down? We got the perfect dose of comedy. 30 minutes of Scrubs. Zach Braff, Donald Faison, Sarah Chalk, and the rest of the gang at Sacred Heart are back for a brand new season. We play medical doctors who are besties. Just like in real life. And we'll definitely be up in each other's cases.

0:21Hannah Berner: Scrubs Wednesdays on ABC.

0:23Paige DeSorbo: And stream the next day on Hulu. Side effects may include laughing, cheering, and lots of high fives. I'm no Superman. You need something from Lowe's, but your day is already jam-packed. Since MyLowe's Rewards and MyLowe's Pro Rewards members get free same-day delivery, we'll make the run for you. Seriously, just lock in your order and we'll do the rest. See you soon. Members get more at Lowe's. $25 minimum and loyalty membership required. Order eligible items by 2 p.m. Subject to weight and size restrictions and availability. Terms at lowes.com slash shipping terms.

1:15Paige DeSorbo: hello my gondola gigglers hello someone dm me that that wasn't from your own brain

1:22Hannah Berner: that wasn't from my own creative brain sorry we're a little late today what's our excuse Well, I was just trying to think of it.

1:30Paige DeSorbo: Well, it's time change. And because I went out to eat last night, like on a double date.

1:36Hannah Berner: Hannah went out to dinner and and then you and then you played paddle this morning. And then this morning I'd paddle because I'm a retired old man.

1:45Paige DeSorbo: So that was really important. I'm so sweaty. OK, my paddle. We planned this two weeks in advance.

1:50Hannah Berner: It was 10 a.m. on Friday. Wait, your mouth looks good today. I. What?

1:59Paige DeSorbo: it's better but it's getting so much better i'm i know it's not good because i'm still getting like people be laughing with me and then they give me that like a little longer extended look

2:09Hannah Berner: like okay that was a little weird well you can't laugh you can just smile but all i want to do is

2:14Paige DeSorbo: laugh you know it's my passion on this planet um i am obsessed with my tiktok algorithm because i opened it up this morning and the first thing was this girl being like woke up feeling like page is sorbo and then in parentheses it said i have a uti and it was natalie i think her name is natalie benson i want to give credit where credit to do was it wait yes iconic yeah i know

2:40Hannah Berner: natalie benson i was like oh i was like wait that's my friend but it's not my friend but i know her on tiktok i love that i don't have a i don't know the weed girl that never came up for

2:51Paige DeSorbo: me well she's pregnant right now speaking of weed doesn't i just call the uber normally i call the uber but when he calls the uber it's like chaos and i don't know why i'm like where is it yeah

3:01Hannah Berner: like i know where it is he's it's chaos that's funny because i would i never let you call the

3:08Paige DeSorbo: uber well yeah because i've i lost trust from you because i was getting us camrys no hannah i wish

3:15Hannah Berner: you were getting us Camrys you were getting us clown cars literal two-seaters I was like hello I have a long leg I'm good I know I have my nubby legs they fit in anything I'm good with

3:29Paige DeSorbo: Ubers because I never drive so like it's my only thing I know and I was rushing and I was like is that our car and he just was like yes so both me and him open up this car this man is sitting there smoking weed in his car he jumps up like we're the police and he's like and we're like sorry

3:52Hannah Berner: wrong car shut the door oh i thought it was gonna be the driver no i fully was about to do a citizen's

3:59Paige DeSorbo: arrest and i said just don't smoke cigarettes cigarettes are bad for you weed is legal imagine you're just smoking weed in your car on a morning it sounds starting your day off 10 a.m on a friday starting the weekend early and two random fuckers jolt in your car and go is this is this for hannah oh my god the paranoia oh my god he's probably still shaking i scared myself um okay so you had an eventful morning you're like oh i'm done for the day though when i have an eventful morning like after this i'm showering i'm putting on my hannah tea i'm taking a meeting or two and then i'm butter and i are passing out i never do this first of all i talked yesterday

4:43Hannah Berner: for like six hours straight about myself to all different people so like i'm oh my god i can't hear myself talk anymore like i can't hear another single thing be about me and i never do this but i was in la and i've never been to newport and so i was like i'm gonna take the weekend and like go on a little trip.

5:07Paige DeSorbo: Wait, you're so cute. So sweet. You never take a weekend.

5:11Hannah Berner: I never take a weekend. Usually I'm like, no, I need to get back because I have more work stuff to do.

5:16Paige DeSorbo: And you have a 17-step wellness routine.

5:19Hannah Berner: I have a Daphne photo shoot on Monday that's like so important to my soul and I'm nervous because New York is getting a... Nor 'easter. With rain. I thought that was only snow. They're saying it could be like Hurricane Sandy-esque. okay well my red eye on saturday night no that makes me worried for you not to be a mom and i was gonna make buffalo chicken dip this weekend in my crock pot you guys page is a full crock pot

5:48Paige DeSorbo: chef i'm getting like photos throughout the day no i mean you did savory sweet you did protein

5:54Hannah Berner: you did gluten-free guys on last sunday i did i talk about this did i not talk about my my pot roast i don't know i don't think you did oh my god it's been my whole personality i've been sending my recipe out to everyone i was like i made it up i made a pot roast in my new crock pot i made a banana bread and the crock pot no oh and then i got red lobster sells frozen cheddar biscuits i got those and i made those one thing about me um in my soul oh and i made

6:31Paige DeSorbo: mashed potatoes i knew those were red lobster white cheddar biscuits like very hannah coated

6:37Hannah Berner: of you they were so if you don't like a red lobster cheddar bay biscuit get the fuck out of my face why is it cheddar bay who cares i love it just sounds so good cheddar bay biscuit cheddar bay biscuit also um but like when they bring it to the table i'm like well this is my

6:52Paige DeSorbo: dinner i'm not eating the fake lobster and you know what i think it's eight in a package and i

6:59Hannah Berner: was like oh do i really am i gonna make all eight and then i thought just make them i ate them all

7:04Paige DeSorbo: also who sat down and was like you know what lobster needs to be fast food mass produced let's do that and then someone's like it's gonna taste like shit and they go but let's just do like cheddar bay biscuits in the beginning and everyone will forget i'm 10 toes down for red

7:19Hannah Berner: lobster i only went once in your whole life yeah okay when i was like really young like three four five years old i feel like my mom was like doing things and so i would be with my grandma and i assumed she was like going to lunch with her friends now that i think about it and like taking me and they would go to red lobster so i was like a 75 year old woman at five and so like for my birthday i'd be like i want to go to red lobster i feel like red lobster it's a little redundant it's like what other color would the lobster be like it would be funnier if it was like blue

7:59Paige DeSorbo: lobster and it was like a cute blue lobster so true sorry i don't what's on the menu like do they have like other fish this is so new york city of you no i know i'm being so pretentious

8:11Hannah Berner: no because it's true though but because new york doesn't have these like big no like

8:17Paige DeSorbo: When everyone talks about Cheesecake Factory, I'm like, we don't have a Cheesecake Factory in Brooklyn. You guys, when like Starbucks opened in Park Soul for the first time, there was a riot because everyone was like, keep small businesses alive. Fuck you, Starbucks. And there was literally like people were protesting outside the start. Like that was where I grew up.

8:37Hannah Berner: So no, we didn't have a Red Lobster. Have you been to Cheesecake Factory, though?

8:43Paige DeSorbo: I've never been to Cheesecake Factory in my life.

8:45Hannah Berner: I just know they have like a huge menu or something. The premiere episode of Hannah and Paige try new things. This would be my dream. I make Hannah get so high. I'm not making it to Red Lobster if I get high.

8:59Paige DeSorbo: Imagine being high at a Red Lobster. I would, oh my God, I'd freak the fuck out.

9:03Hannah Berner: I'd be like, is this real lobster? What is this? What is this? That is a question you have to ask in 2026. What is it? Yeah, is this real? There's no way it's all lobster. I think they have like popcorn shrimp and they have like other different fish i think you can get like chicken fingers and fries like it's just it's really more a vibe it's funny people talk shit about mcdonald's but no one talks

9:26Paige DeSorbo: shit about the quality of red lobster do you think it's because they just like they don't promote as hard that they're like they don't say we're real lobster they're just like it's red

9:35Hannah Berner: no red lobster had like a big thing and then they went through bankruptcy no Red Lobster's been through it Okay Put some respect on Red Lobster's name They've survived a lot They've gone out of business

9:48Paige DeSorbo: They've come back Like I do have to say One thing about me I love a crab cake And they have a crab cake Cause you don't even need to put crab in it Just put me some breadcrumbs

9:57Hannah Berner: Actually on the flight here I could smell crab cake

10:02Paige DeSorbo: Someone brought crab cake on the plane

10:04Hannah Berner: No I think they were serving a crab cake Cause I could smell it

10:07Paige DeSorbo: Do you remember when you're little and someone for the first time, like you get sushi and someone's like, you know, that's fake crab. And you're like, what's a fake crab?

10:16Hannah Berner: Who was like, I think that's a universal experience.

10:19Paige DeSorbo: Why would you call it crab if it's fake? Then just call it something else. What is that? If it's not crab, what is it?

10:24Hannah Berner: I still don't know. Is it crab or not? I get spicy tuna. What do you get?

10:29Paige DeSorbo: Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. We never talk about this. I thought I was like, not like other girls because I went through a spicy scallop phase. i literally everyone was like california roll california roll and i was like oh that's crazy because i'm doing spacey scallop you don't even you don't even know where i'm coming from well a california roll that's where the fake crab is yeah i think it means no i'm not even like they made it in a lab it's like a lab diamond for crabs i just always thought the crab was cooked

11:02Hannah Berner: and then they put it in the sushi and that's why they were like it's not real sushi because

11:06Paige DeSorbo: it's not raw i think it's crab like a chemist made it and they were like this smells like crab

11:13Hannah Berner: it tastes like crab let's call it crab let's move on to something we're more uh educated on what are we educated on lily reinhardt's press tour outfits yes i need to talk about it

11:28Paige DeSorbo: that is where a stylist can take someone to the next level i'm locked in on lily reinhardt right now.

11:35Hannah Berner: I'm locked in on her. She's promoting a movie, I think, like a rom-com. I haven't watched it. But the only thing, though, that is making me watch it, other than the fact that I enjoy Lily Reinhardt as an actress, is seeing her press tour outfits. She has taken every major rom-com and the star of that rom-com, and she's worn an iconic outfit from said movie. So like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days did the yellow dress. Miss Congeniality did like the makeover scene, the purple Hervé Leger. My Date with the President's Daughter, Mew Mew, made her a custom like velvet pink dress. It's just, it's amazing.

12:17Hannah Berner: Whoever thought of that idea should get a raise.

12:20Paige DeSorbo: And she looks happy. She looks like she's having fun. And press tours are hard. You know, you did it for one day yesterday. What was yesterday? Talking about yourself.

12:31Hannah Berner: you said no i was in like real meetings with real humans in like business meetings oh i thought you were doing interviews no i wasn't just like glam and taking pictures all day i actually had no glam i did i actually went to meetings no makeup oh you were serious i was being serious not that wearing makeup isn't serious i was actually more just really tired no but it means like you're

12:55Paige DeSorbo: literally just there for the substance of the meeting yeah i'm like you know what i look like

13:01Hannah Berner: like i can't i was also so tired my mom always tells me to put a lip on yeah which is so mom coded no i mean i had a lip on and i had mascara on and i had your definition of no makeup and like i covered my blemishes i did a little concealer there was skincare skin prep there

13:19Paige DeSorbo: was skin prep what am i saying i went full glam you go there was dyson hair wrap your no makeup was that you didn't have someone else do your glam

13:33Hannah Berner: beautiful glam no i've walked into meetings no glam that's very different sorry i'm so sorry

13:41Paige DeSorbo: that is just how my brain works wait someone said the meanest thing you could say to someone if you want to just be a bitch is in the middle of while they're talking just go were you crying

13:51Hannah Berner: earlier hannah i'd actually start crying i would literally start crying that would make if someone

14:00Paige DeSorbo: said that to me though that would make me laugh so hard i'd be like no but emotionally i was i'm glad that it's showing my insides are showing on my outsides and i'm crying that i'm stuck in this

14:09Hannah Berner: conversation with you you know how gen z will like say say something and then they'll put like parentheses like derogatory or like complimentary I do like when they do that I do like when they do that that's something where like if someone said that to me I would just say like yeah parentheses internal like internally I was but like exterior no I love saying parentheses out loud in a sentence how could you do this to be a question mark okay even though I played college tennis

14:43Paige DeSorbo: when I go to the gym nowadays I just wander around I don't know what I'm doing I'm scrolling apps I don't have plan there's definitely no progress but then I found the ladder app and I completely changed how I work out it's an expert in strength training not just a random content library it's a real progressive program designed by certified coaches you get a new plan every week that builds on the last it's important that your workouts are connected and it feels like having a coach right there with you. I personally need the reminders and motivation and cues. And it works on any strength training style you prefer like Pilates, bodybuilding, dumbbell, hybrid strength, glute focus programs, and your progress is tracked automatically.

15:27Paige DeSorbo: It remembers your weights, reps, and sets. It's amazing. And it costs less than a dollar a day. That's elite level personal training for a fraction of what you'd pay in person. I love it because it's affordable and designed by certified coaches. Remove the guesswork with Ladder and get a real coach in your ear telling you exactly what to do every workout. No thinking, everything planned for you. If you have an iPhone, head to ladder.fit slash giggly squad and take a quick quiz to find your perfect ladder plan. Use my link and get a free seven-day trial with no credit card and$10 off your first month if you join.

16:01Hannah Berner: Feeling short on smiles?

16:03Paige DeSorbo: Does your frown need to be turned upside down? We got the perfect A dose of comedy, 30 minutes of Scrubs. Zach Braff, Donald Faison, Sarah Chalk, and the rest of the gang at Sacred Heart are back for a brand new season. We play medical doctors who are besties. Just like in real life. And we'll definitely be up in each other's cases. Scrubs Wednesdays on ABC. And stream the next day on Hulu. Side effects may include laughing, cheering, and lots of high fives. I'm no Superman. Wait, so tell us everything about this event you did.

16:37Hannah Berner: Okay, the Variety event that I went to was just, it was very surreal because the way they started it was just having Jennifer Hudson come out and sing a Dolly Parton song that she wrote for Whitney Houston. And you're just like, is this real life?

16:50Paige DeSorbo: Oh my God.

16:50Hannah Berner: When you witness someone's talent like that in person, of course everyone knows Jennifer Hudson has like the most insane voice ever. Like we've watched her forever. I also didn't know she was the youngest woman to be an EGOT winner. But whatever, hearing it in person is just so...

17:12Paige DeSorbo: Well, because you're stuck on this podcast with me where I break into song. And so it was probably jolting for you.

17:20Hannah Berner: My frame of reference really, it took me out. I had an out-of-body experience. I'm the man.

17:28Paige DeSorbo: That's Adela.

17:30Hannah Berner: And then just the most iconic women got up and gave such great speeches. Sharon Stone got up and gave a speech and she said.

17:38Paige DeSorbo: I love Sharon Stone.

17:39Hannah Berner: And I'm paraphrasing a little. But she basically said that there's no such thing as fucking your way to the top. You can only fuck your way to the middle and then you have to claw your way to the top.

17:49Paige DeSorbo: it was okay Sharon it was just like inspirational also I feel like women aren't doing that anymore like women are like I'd rather die than touch your dick rather die and then as a Gilmore girl

18:00Hannah Berner: lover I watched Lorelai Gilmore give an award to Suki St. James and and I actually texted my mom while it was happening and I was like Lorelai Gilmore just presented an award to Suki St.

18:11Paige DeSorbo: James and I wish you were here sounds like an event for the girls girls it was all girls girls goes and i loved it well everyone wants to know you did a speech alone with a teleprompter

18:24Hannah Berner: how were you feeling beforehand because i was like nervous for you hannah first of all so i had to send my speech into them like two weeks prior send my speech in they're like it's gonna be on a teleprompter i'm like okay great i get into the room they're like do you want to run it on the teleprompter like prior like right when i got there i was like no i can like i've read it i know what I'm saying like I can do the teleprompter I go into the room that the event's in I go where's the teleprompter and they go oh you see those two like glass things up on the stage that's the teleprompter I go that's not a teleprompter like that's like what politicians use I'm like I don't know what the fuck that thing is but what are you talking about it was a clear piece of glass on a black stand i'm like i literally don't understand what you're saying then some people got up and they were looking down at the podium like some people brought their own cards and i was like oh my god everyone knew the teleprompter was fox and they brought their own thing also you're dealing with like oscar winners and like they're performed for a living i'm dealing with like a-list celebrities here and they like threw me in and i am very thankful but i was like i can't make Queen Latifah was at the table next to me.

19:41Hannah Berner: Oh, my God. So I'm getting up in front of Queen Latifah and her thinking I can't read good. Okay? I'm like, I popped my beta blocker an hour ago. It's wearing off.

19:55Paige DeSorbo: The good news is anyone who's a giggler there knew you can't read good. But continue.

19:59Hannah Berner: So Molly Sims, my sweet, sweet, sweet angel, she gets up and she presents me with my award. And as I'm going to the podium, my dress rips. No, your vintage Prada. It wasn't vintage. It was 2025. But don't stop your Prada. Little last piece of Prada shoes. As I'm going up the stairs, my dress rips all the way in the back. I'm like, can anyone see this? Okay. How'd you rip it when you like sat down? No, I was like going upstairs. I think my big fat ass. Okay, Jennifer Lawrence. I didn't pull it up as I was like going up the stairs.

20:39Paige DeSorbo: It wasn't even tight fitting. What do you, how did you do that? I don't know. I don't know. Someone's been squatting.

20:45Hannah Berner: Someone's been getting her steps. So, so in the three seconds that I have to hug Molly Sims and, and also think about this teleprompter, my dress rips. I get to the teleprompter. My first thing out of my mouth is this is the most high tech teleprompter I've ever seen. You said that? That's how it started. okay good no it's good just say how you feel I had to say how I feel and that's what I learned from having a panic attack amidst a giggly squad show I just said I'm having a panic attack and I felt like it was going away a little so I just got up there and I said this is an insane teleprompter and now I will proceed did you get a giggle I don't know oh you were blacked out

21:29Paige DeSorbo: you were floating at that point floating above yourself i don't know because i don't know what

21:36Hannah Berner: happened when you get up there the acoustic i felt like i was i felt like celine diana and i was performing wow wow wow as i talked it was a delay so i couldn't hear what i was saying i could big was this room like it was at the beverly hills hotel like not that big i was what's happening up here places with three thousand six thousand people i know so i'm hearing you're hearing what you've already said oh no that's like when you're on the phone with someone and you're like i have to leave because i can hear myself by so i was going so slow once you get up there and you look at the screen it does look like a normal teleprompter but it was like

22:16Paige DeSorbo: you're like it actually was quite a good teleprompter i take back all the bad things i said about it everyone should implement these but what is the technology that like you could do a teleprompter that looks clear but the front end has words but we still can't figure out endometriosis and now we've said it and now we've said it so anyway so then i did i give my speech

22:36Hannah Berner: i walked back down and molly was like i could i didn't have time to tell you that the sound is weird and the teleprompter is weird and molly's like a mom she's like i'm so that was my bad she He's like, that's my bad and I'm so sorry. It was just such a fun, it was just such a lovely night and I felt so honored. And it was, I was there for the Purple Leash Project, which is if you're in a domestic abuse situation and you are choosing between leaving your pet and not going, the Purple Leash Project makes it so that you can bring your pet with you. Because there's a lot of places that you go, that you can go, but you can't bring your pet.

23:16Hannah Berner: and so it's like such a great charity and I was so proud to be representing them and my dress it's my favorite dress I've ever worn I've ever put on my body I actually got it last year for something and then I decided I didn't want to go so I just like had the dress oh so you had it waiting for the right moment it spoke to you and that's my new thing now I used to be someone that's like I would shop for specific events and now I'm like no I deserve a little whimsy in my life if I see something and I like it I know I'll find somewhere to wear it I want it I got it I love it I just like I want it when you see something that's so you yes how do you walk away from it I saw that dress and I was like no that is so mean it is smart though like instead of panicking

24:11Paige DeSorbo: whenever you have like a wedding or something coming up and be like I have to buy something like when you see something you like know you will have it's almost a manifestation like you see that gorgeous dress I will have something really important that I'm gonna need to look my best for and I will wear that I realized when I shop I don't shop for like the person I am I shop for a made-up person yeah you do and I'm like like it's not for my body type it's not for any event I would go to it doesn't match anything I own like I'm insane I return everything you want

24:43Hannah Berner: to know what's crazy is every other situation in your life you never second guess yourself honestly I've been on zooms before where I'm like maybe she might take that back actually if we give her a minute she might actually take that back in your fashion choices all you do is second guess yourself and I don't know why because you have the some of the best personal style I've seen no you do like you will take a risk you will like I see something on another girl and I'm like I

25:14Paige DeSorbo: like that I want to get it you make it up in your head oh thank you I do you know it is though I think with like especially online shopping I'm bad with it because once it's on my body I can make a decision but just from looking i don't know well yeah some things have like no hanger

25:31Hannah Berner: appeal and some things look way better on the hanger one thing we didn't talk about that i'm shocked did you see that guy that pretended to be an nfl player and he was like scamming all the

25:42Paige DeSorbo: those women wait i saw that and i was like i can't right now what what is it about okay it's just First of all, great name.

25:52Hannah Berner: Sounds like such a quarterback of like whatever team. I think it was pretending to be on the 49ers. His name is Dajon Love.

26:01Paige DeSorbo: Great football name.

26:03Hannah Berner: Phenomenal. Put him in the Hall of Fame. No, truly phenomenal football name. Put him on my fantasy team now. All these like different stories are coming out that not only did he like scam all of these women, but he like scammed other people like out of money. I think it was up to a million dollars that he scammed all these people out of. What I'm not understanding is that Google is for free. For free, honey. I've Googled so many men before. I've gotten places on Google that I have no business even knowing about this person. Like distant relative. Yep. Football's on every Sunday. You can't escape it.

26:48Hannah Berner: How did he get people to give him money? I don't know.

26:52Paige DeSorbo: I have been going to sleep at night to the podcast. Is it Scamfluencers? I'm kind of obsessed with scammers. And they have like calm voices. So like it puts me to sleep. I think there's different podcasts. Like some podcasts really help you fall asleep. Yeah. Because it's like informative. Like ours I don't think is one of those.

27:13Hannah Berner: Like you're going to sleep and you're like why are they what? I think ours induces something. it's certainly not it's certainly not calm and sleep that's for sure but they're like two calm

27:23Paige DeSorbo: girls being like so then she did you know she lied to everyone that she was a princess and everyone believed her and that kind of stuff i just think it's creative i think it's creative and fun um but i when i was at wisconsin i had a guy friend who was like really big but he wasn't on the football team but he would go to the front of the line to get into the kk because the kk lets all the athletes in so he would and someone was like he's not on the football team and he's like i'm six six i am on the football team and like they weren't gonna google and he just would walk with the guys like there were all these cons with like trying to get what the athletes wait that's a man in stem i feel and that is an entrepreneur that's an entrepreneur hold on i'm

28:04Hannah Berner: gonna do something so hannah coated right now but i want to talk nose and i want to that was so random because i actually don't think i've ever seen you blow your nose i thought you pulled a tissue wait you know what i've never seen you like really sick okay you don't put that in the ether no i'm just saying like when's the last time you had the flu like i don't think i've ever i don't think you've ever texted me and been like i'm really sick i do have emergency every day no

28:30Paige DeSorbo: you have a crazy immune system we don't talk about it i do get i'm like exhausted and i deal with anxiety and depression ac and adhd and ocd undiagnosed but like when's the last time you had a yeast infection oh no honey my vag is ph balanced you never have an ailment other than like muscle related also by the way i played paddle this morning fully bleeding yeah other

28:56Hannah Berner: than like that stuff i mean i mean like internal i'm a six-year-old like the second point i'm i

29:02Paige DeSorbo: I fell and like bleeding everywhere.

29:03Hannah Berner: And I'm like, let's go. Like I'm a baby. No, what I'm doing that's really Hannah coded is I'm timing my room service so that when the pod is completed, my room service will be arriving.

29:15Paige DeSorbo: People were upset about the sushi last episode. Upset about the what? Because the sushi arrived and they were like, why would Hannah order sushi right before the pod? But what people don't know is sometimes Paige will be like, I'm coming home. I'll let you know when and then we'll record. And she'll like out of nowhere be like, I'm ready in three minutes. And then I'm like, that's crazy because my food just got here. But it's OK because let's record now. Did I eat the sushi that sat here for one hour? Yes. Was the room air conditioned? Yes. I lived it. I was OK.

29:52Hannah Berner: wait they were mad about the timing of everything or they were mad that you ate hour old sushi

29:57Paige DeSorbo: but like mad is a strong word they just were concerned for me you didn't put it in the refrigerator no but um that's why i think my immune system's so strong because i challenge

30:06Hannah Berner: it every day there are certain things that if it's not cold i can't eat it and one of those

30:12Paige DeSorbo: things is fruit oh i can't eat warm fruit see i don't hate a little warm peach other than a banana

30:18Hannah Berner: Okay.

30:19Paige DeSorbo: Or a little warm pear. You know I don't like pears. Or a little, have you ever tried cooking an apple?

30:25Hannah Berner: A hot apple? Hannah, I've been living a double life because I've been at home cooking. No, I know. And you try to hide it from me because you think that I'm going to judge you. I made apples with cinnamon, brown sugar, and a little bit of white cake mix. And I just like made, and then I put it over warm ice cream, or then I put over vanilla ice cream.

30:48Paige DeSorbo: you've been working every day non-stop this whole month when were you like and you know i have 40

30:54Hannah Berner: minutes to prepare a souffle and i know people are gonna be like oh it's because she's in a relationship and she's doing it for a man this man will not eat any of this shit yeah he's healthy everyone was like oh my god you made him a banana bread i go that man will not even look in the direction of my banana bread and that's why i made it that banana bread is for me he did eat my power roast didn't love that yeah he likes protein yeah today this two guys who i was playing

31:19Paige DeSorbo: paddle with were like talking and i walked up to them jokingly and i was like you guys talking about protein and they were like yeah i swear to god hannah that's amazing he was like i'm trying to get it more in my diet and i because you know the way they were standing and talking i'm like

31:39Hannah Berner: it's giving protein um wait i feel like i low-key know exactly like the i can picture them also

31:47Paige DeSorbo: there's been multiple men it's because i do crowd work so much so it's like my trick where i meet them i ask them where they're from and when they say connecticut or westchester and they have like a douchey hairdo i go did you play lacrosse they go how'd you know and i've been right 100 % of the

32:03Hannah Berner: time so i think i'm okay for now wait so i put everything into my cart prior to we starting the pod okay and now it's saying that i've timed out and so like this has really turned into a hannah burner experience because i don't trust the internet i don't trust the wi-fi i'm like how could i have timed out no i'll actually murder someone how intricate was your order well it was

32:30Paige DeSorbo: like was it the eggs benedict was it the kids pancakes yeah and is it the almond milk or is it the oat milk with like a set yeah i embarrassed myself the other day because i was at someone's house and they were like do you want coffee and like look i'm annoying i'm annoying with my coffee because i'm like i'd rather not have you make me coffee than you make something like i can't drink and i was like do you have an oat milk latte with like splendor or vanilla and they looked at me and they were like this is a home you know what actually i just threw away in my refrigerator

33:06Hannah Berner: um iced or chai latte in case you ever came over but it went bad okay well that's good

33:12Paige DeSorbo: that's good thank you because i would have just not i would definitely would have checked

33:16Hannah Berner: the expiration date my brother got it and then i just thought i'm gonna keep this because what if hannah comes over like at all the next month do you know what i like to do make a latte and

33:26Paige DeSorbo: then put some of the chai in it with the latte and it's really nice i don't like i don't like anything about chai yeah or matcha but it's okay i tried it when in la you do as the la

33:40Hannah Berner: lans do lans do i i tried an iced matcha and let me tell you that shit was disgusting did you put sugar in it it was a frozen matcha did you put sugar in it i tried someone else's i didn't order

33:54Paige DeSorbo: my own it's giving i don't like cats and i'm like well did you have your own cat or are you walking

33:58Hannah Berner: to someone's house no oh you know what it's not giving that you were like i just got an award from purina bitch how dare you no i i've tried it in so many different forms i i think i try

34:16Paige DeSorbo: matcha at least i try and try it at least once a year i love matcha ice cream i love matcha cookies

34:22Hannah Berner: i love matcha lattes and like what's mochi i feel like i don't like that either and everyone loves that like i want to like these things i think they're good for you they're adorable like a

34:34Paige DeSorbo: little mochi i i've ordered mochi because i've because it's cute that's the name of that's the name of a white girl's cat mochi no someone's making fun of white girls that they name their cat japanese names like sushi and that kind of stuff oh speaking of cats i thought it was so iconic that cats have colonies are you familiar with this no there's like things called cat colonies where it's basically like a group of cats that are out they're like a gang like a group of street cats street cats but they all like look out for each other they hang out together they get food together they're a cat colony and i just thought that was really empowering like they're all girls girls they're like we're in this together babe it's giving girls going to the bathroom together because like if dogs had a colony i'm like people are gonna get hurt but Like if cats have a colony, you're like, they're cute.

35:35Paige DeSorbo: They're like, they're doing cute things together. Dogs, I'm like, they're going to attack a family.

35:41Hannah Berner: I also like, I'm starting a rumor. I'm making this up right now. But I also feel like dogs are getting each other pregnant more than cats are.

35:50Paige DeSorbo: I don't know. Cats do multiply.

35:52Hannah Berner: Do they? Like a lot? Yeah.

35:54Paige DeSorbo: Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's, so I might get into trapping. Are you familiar with trapping? And it's not?

36:01Hannah Berner: Yeah. Yeah, I'm familiar with different forms of trapping. Which one are you talking about?

36:09Paige DeSorbo: Not Ali Wong trapping a man. Trapping where you go out looking for stray cats and you trap them. How? However you...

36:20Hannah Berner: Oh, there's not a preferred method.

36:23Paige DeSorbo: I think you could put food in a trap and they go in and then you trap them. But there's people who their job is to trap cats. and then you take them in and you trap neuter return tnr which means like they're a feral cat but like you want to neuter them so they don't keep multiplying oh so my hypothesis is so wrong cats are fucking cats are and they the way they fuck is like really dramatic they like wait they're like well it's actually so girl coded they hate it like if a cat's have sex this is what it sounds

36:55Hannah Berner: like they're like wait i've never seen a cat no cats having sex you're like get your paws off of her wait i've seen so many dogs huh kitties like never humped anything dogs are doing doggy cats are like no that's actually terrifying now i like feel like i'm gonna google when we get off this

37:18Paige DeSorbo: like cats that's why you have to neuter all your cats you don't want them to have to have sex don't and cats will like get pregnant at like like five months old yes they're literally teen moms mtv that is sad well the cute thing about cats is when they have babies they come out all different

37:34Hannah Berner: colors i do like that so they're like someone's dad was calico i do like that because i've seen um cats like on the internet that are related to daphne but they don't like have the same face or like coloring at all feeling short on smiles does your frown need to be turned upside down we got the perfect dose of

37:56Paige DeSorbo: comedy 30 minutes of scrubs zach braff donald fazan sarah chalk and the rest of the gang at sacred heart are back for a brand new season we play medical doctors who are besties just like in real life and we'll definitely be up in each other's cases scrubs wednesdays on abc and stream the next day on Hulu. Side effects may include laughing, cheering, and lots of high fives. Hello, Superman.

38:23Paige DeSorbo: Speaking of dick, I wanted to bring up, there's this new...

38:29Hannah Berner: That's so crazy because I was going to bring up my jaw. Touche.

38:33Paige DeSorbo: Keep going. What do you want to go first? So Sharon Horgan is this incredible genius Irish actress, writer, comedian. she has this show called youth on hbo that just came out and it's basically about like being in your 60s and like what your sex life is when you're single in your 60s and it's actually really iconic and important what is it like well she's like gorgeous and it's basically like you're like oh girls are just girls like you're just a girl yeah so anyway she talks about she was hooking up with this guy and then her friends are like you gotta date someone new you gotta go to a blind date and she looked at them and she's like but that means I have to deal with a new dick yeah and I'm like no one talks about the mental load of having to deal with a new contraption yeah and I know they're all the same but they're not it's like they all come at you and it's a different it's a whole different jungle gym every time and that's why when girls like hook up with a lot of guys in a short period of time i don't judge i think it's gorgeous but that's a lot of new dick to deal with and then some of them some of them are circumcised some some are curved some are some are chodes some some are good looking you're like you're good looking miss no summer i'm like okay and then some you're like that's what cats are yelling and then they all feel different like it's literally like driving a new car every day i'd be like i'm good i don't know where the park is i don't know it's turning the shower on in

40:18Hannah Berner: someone else's home you're like is that the lever for you or no because at home this usually works

40:25Paige DeSorbo: why am i burning my back right now i thought i turned it right but i guess you turn it left with this situation um it's literally like if you drive your car and then one day it's a stick shift and you're like i just want to go on a new date and now i'm having to deal with a stick shift i've never learned this before so i just want to let the girls know that you're seen and like it's not just it's a whole different scenario and granted guys like yeah every vagina is different but like they're not getting inserted into by it but also don't you feel like your brain does this thing

41:00Hannah Berner: that like when you start to date a new guy you like can't remember what the old guy's penis looked like you're like this is dicks like i've dated people before and they're like oh like did he have a big dick and i'm like did he like i'm like i genuinely can't remember it's funny i remember

41:20Paige DeSorbo: the huge ones and i remember the small ones but i don't remember the ones in between which kind of

41:25Hannah Berner: tracks yeah i guess there are two coming to my head right now that yeah like i remember where

41:30Paige DeSorbo: i'm like he had everything but but then you guys know i've broken up with men because they're too too big you can't have you it's not sustainable british dave oh but is that why you broke up though no but it was a factor it was a huge factor actually and he lied to me because i was like has this been an issue with other girls like that i have to do a full meditation routine to relax enough to like get it like halfway in oh my god he was like no this never happened before and then at the end of our relationship he's like yeah you know it's been a big issue and i'm like okay thank you because i thought i was like or i was like do i have the tiniest pussy that's ever happened sorry sorry mom dad bobby flay whoever's listening you know it's crazy if a man ever had this

42:20Hannah Berner: conversation on a podcast i'd burn his house down no but it's completely different because

42:24Paige DeSorbo: men use their dicks for violence we're allowed to make fun of it it's why i can talk about

42:28Hannah Berner: domestic violence yes i'm not going to right i was giving you a platform if you needed it

42:37Paige DeSorbo: I wasn't going to silence you. Paige is trying to talk about domestic violence, and Hannah kept talking about Bridge Dave's dick. But I do have to say, as someone, I forget my past. I was, like, obsessed with dating guys who were, like, over 6 '6". Yeah. But the thing is, when, like, 6 '6 guy has, like, a normal-shaped penis, it looks small.

43:00Hannah Berner: Why are you whispering? I don't know. I feel like people could hear me. I know what you mean, though. I know what you mean.

43:06Paige DeSorbo: This is the thing. Brush Dave was like 6 '9 and it was like large for a 6 '9 man.

43:11Hannah Berner: No, I don't remember him being 6 '9. Like I remember him being tall, but you were drunk. Yeah, I was drunk the majority of the time I met him. I really was. Wait, OK, my new thing is and I need the gigglers. I need the real doctor gigglers because sometimes I will say something and I'll get some girls and I'm like, I know you're not a doctor.

43:33Paige DeSorbo: but then you get some girls and they're like yeah i went to stanford and got my whatever

43:38Hannah Berner: i have this overwhelming feeling period help and i'm freaking out

43:48Paige DeSorbo: how do you get numb no no i'm freaking out i have an impending doom

43:58Paige DeSorbo: it's like i forgot something but i don't know what it is at all times

44:01Hannah Berner: Do you have anything that Big Pharma makes for that? No. I feel like my jaw might be off balance. This is serious.

44:14Paige DeSorbo: What do you mean off balance? Like not on the right track?

44:17Hannah Berner: Yes. I feel like my jaw might be off track.

44:20Paige DeSorbo: I know what you should do.

44:21Hannah Berner: What?

44:22Paige DeSorbo: I know this med spa in Miami, you get master Botox, it'll even usher right out.

44:26Hannah Berner: You know how I like love getting a massage once a week? I'm going to tell her because she said one day she was like, I'll put my fingers in your mouth if you ever like me. And so I think I'm going to do that next week.

44:37Paige DeSorbo: Do that for sure.

44:39Hannah Berner: I feel like I, I don't know. You have TMJ. Potentially. I don't think I do because I'm not sore. Does it hurt? No. This is just me analyzing my.

44:52Paige DeSorbo: I was going to say, I think you overanalyze things. Speaking of overanalyzing, how's your one eye? excuse you you know what the lady said one of your eyes is wonky have i offended you this morning in some way oh no i want to let you know that i've never seen a difference in your eyes

45:11Hannah Berner: i have to be really really tired and yeah and so i did see her pop out a couple times this month where i was like oh maybe before 11 p.m is where it's it's our sweet spot um but recently she's been fine honestly i feel like i've had other issues my jaw's off track i can't worry about my eyes right now is it affecting your speech no no it's all cosmetic but i'm thinking maybe my jaw's off track and that's why my eye is off track oh you know what it is i just want to go to korea for like three months and i just want to do all the beauty things that they do and they like they have this whole thing where they just like realign your whole body and it changes your whole face shape and i want to go and i just want to see i love that speaking of korea yeah did you

46:01Paige DeSorbo: see the drama with um fenty beauty and um huda beauty huda beauty and what was the other one

46:10Hannah Berner: they all came out with the same product like on the same day all came out the same product on the same day and they basically were like our korean distributor lied to all of us and said like we're

46:22Paige DeSorbo: the only ones doing it so but it's funny because it's been done before by like smaller brands but it's basically this product that you make your own eye masks it like cuts the eye mask yeah it's like the gel of the eye mask and people are already saying like you actually it is going to be a dryer eye mask like it's not even like worth it as a product but it is so interesting to just see how these beauty brands work as a whole where someone was like guys everyone's using the same distributors and like no one really has that different of a um product unless it's like a

46:58Hannah Berner: truly invented new thing the biggest invention in that product was the container like it's still the same eye patches the gel eye patches that everyone has and you could put slightly different

47:13Paige DeSorbo: things in it but they were saying that like for you to have a completely different product would take months and months and months and months of research and testing and blah blah blah which these people aren't doing so like honestly like it takes doctors someone even said they were like do not buy an expensive moisturizer like the moisturizers nowadays are this is my algorithm on tiktok mine is like de-influencing tiktok everyone's like down to this down to this oh how unfun i know i love it i'm like tell me not to buy shit like don't buy an expensive

47:47Hannah Berner: moisturizer as in like a they basically said nowadays the technology is so good for normal

47:54Paige DeSorbo: moisturizers that like the really expensive ones aren't actually that different yeah i agree with that we're like i guess serums i think is different or like certain active ingredients retinol is different but like moisturizer we're at the point where like it's all good

48:09Hannah Berner: I actually agree with that I think you can get all of your skin care at CBS The only time I'm getting other skin care Is when I get my tretinoin From my dermatologist Anything I'm getting from a dermatologist That I can't get in the store Then I'm like

48:25Paige DeSorbo: You loved saying tretinoin Just now Tretinoin

48:31Hannah Berner: I love my tretinoin I use tretinoin You need to start using tretinoin

48:37Paige DeSorbo: are you gonna name your kid chet and owen chet wait chet name your next cat chet and owen per se and chet and owen no per and chet this is the kind of creativity we have to have with our names okay we can't name every cat mochi wait per se and chet are chet does sound like a guy

49:04Hannah Berner: that gave me a chlamydia though it's like his middle name is owen yeah trot trot trot no one wait i'm upset no i love that so much no but seriously you should start using tretino and you're 35 why are we named why are we age age no it's just it's good to get into into the routine now of tretino and i actually can't stop saying them 35 to people you love being 35 also you don't

49:33Paige DeSorbo: care about age no i'm like respects me i'm 35 but also i'm insane where i met a girl who was like oh i graduated in 2022 and i was like did the math and i'm like yeah you're out of college we're the same for both two girls out of college like i was like hi girly that's crazy no in my head i'm 27 yeah i'm like you're 24 i'm 27 plus a couple years whatever but i love i tell everyone i'm 35 because i use it for excuses for things i'm like well i'm 35 i'm not i'm not going there

50:04Hannah Berner: i'm 35 right up until see i think my jaw went like a little that way anyway i feel like you're

50:12Paige DeSorbo: actually been jealous of the attention i've gotten from my mouth and you're making up this like

50:16Hannah Berner: this jaw problem oh really because as someone who had a frozen chin two months prior to your jaw

50:23Paige DeSorbo: massacre people didn't care enough about it and that's why you're taking out on me now

50:27Hannah Berner: now i forget what the fuck i was gonna say and it was actually good what were we saying you were gonna say oh shit you were gonna say um wait rewind grace rewind wait what were we just talking about though and i didn't get my breakfast order in and i'm freaking out

50:47Paige DeSorbo: no i was saying you're you said you felt your jaw on the line yeah but it was before that that was like a side note oh okay so you interrupted yourself and then i interrupted you interrupting

50:57Hannah Berner: herself wait you know what taylor said the other day that i thought was just so funny because a lot of times i say mean things about gen z and gen alpha and i really i don't mean to i don't want to be at war with them yeah taylor was describing someone and she was like you know like that millennial like fake mustache and i was like oh oh my god oh my god you mean when we'd write with

51:24Paige DeSorbo: sharpie the mustache and put it on our finger under our nose yeah or like just things had like

51:29Hannah Berner: fake mustaches on them like you would go and buy a mug and it'd have a fake like why like millennials went through a really weird fake mustache phase like well that was our like peak humor i feel like there's even like pictures on the internet of like people wearing fake mustaches at like party well like yeah when you go to a wedding you like put a fake mustache in

51:52Paige DeSorbo: the yes like why was that like a core part of our well that's key millennial like i'm being so crazy right now so silly different you had a side bang taylor swift is now doing this like

52:07Hannah Berner: shag like full i saw a picture of her at the football game last weekend i thought her bangs

52:13Paige DeSorbo: looked so good it's just making me nervous for the future well stassi also showed up to the

52:19Hannah Berner: variety event in like a somewhat poof and i said yes girl like i want it back i knew you loved her hair and it looked chic i loved her hair yeah so i'm just keeping an eye for that no i'm like living in my bang era i'm like i'm like i actually now that i didn't get room service i might go to breakfast and i might do like yeah just like side parting it up sorry i love that you're like

52:45Paige DeSorbo: showed up with no makeup fully blew on my bangs for 40 minutes though this is my variety hair i haven't washed it yeah and besides that i'm owing to in fantasy football no so like my friends don't really respect me right now so like when i talk everyone's like shut up you fucking loser every guy i pick like loses their leg like the first he every guy is getting carded off because they got hit by another huge man yeah like no shit he dislocated his shoulder like all my guys are

53:18Hannah Berner: are injured yeah so i'm like can you guys be a little more careful and gentle with each other when you play i think the point is to not get hit right guys

53:32Hannah Berner: here's an idea get the ball on the other side i don't know maybe catch it and run away from the guy chasing you you slow poke also i would just just fall before they hit you like it's so dramatic you want to get hit i would literally like i'd pretend i'm dead pretend you're dead first that's what the quarterbacks do because they don't want to get hit i actually do low-key feel like i would be good because if i see a guy coming at me yeah i'm running the other way oh my god i'm me playing football is a cat having sex have you ever seen a

54:12Paige DeSorbo: cat get caught by anything no she's out she's out of here cats would be so good at football if they

54:19Hannah Berner: thumbs i'm literally i need to see a picture of a cat having sex because it's actually like i need

54:23Paige DeSorbo: to watch a video google it it's really upsetting it's gonna ruin your week whatever i'm a masochist anyway everyone enjoy your weekend thank you for giggling with us we love you so much bye

54:39Hannah Berner: today's episode is sponsored by sofi the everything app for smarter money we won podcast of the year. We wrote a book. We have a tour. We have a company. Technically, we are business women now. And honestly, that's terrifying because you don't build a company out of giggling without eventually having to learn how money works. We learned in public, mostly by getting things wrong at first, like finding out our money could be earning money just by sitting there. Because apparently having money sit in a checking account doing absolutely nothing is not a financial strategy. That's where SoFi can help.

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