Sophie Kasaei: Staying positive during fertility struggles

0:01Coming up on Happy Mum, Happy Baby From being 80, 19, you plan your life. And I think this is where we go wrong because I plan my life and I thought, by the time I'm 26, I'm going to have kids, I'm going to be married, I'm going to have a house, my life's going to be sorted. So when that doesn't happen and you end up getting in your 30s, that pressure's still there that you didn't accomplish that. I was absolutely sending myself insane. The emotional wreck I was in probably the first year of trying when I look back now it was hard. The strain it probably put on me and Jordan was not the best. A lot of people say when you get pregnancy announcements around you and you're struggling how do you deal with that?

0:48And I'll be honest the first year I didn't. Really? Seeing people come out with pregnancy announcements I cried every single time. Even with friends in the first year, I cried and I cried and I was like, why not me?

1:10Hello and welcome to a brand new episode of Happy Mum, Happy Baby, the podcast. Today's guest is best known for Geordie Shaw. More recently, you'll see her on TOWIE. She's been very open about her struggles to conceive with partner Jordan Brook. and she's turned this into a new series called Every Woman and Geordie Stories, Sophie's Fertility Journey. I'm very happy to introduce Sophie Kazai. Hello. How are you? I'm really, really good. Like I was just saying, I'm really excited to be here. Are you? I think this story that I'm obviously going to be about to tell and the journey that I've been on is just, I think it's so empowering.

1:50and everyone's used to me being Geordie Shaw and swearing and going out and getting drunk. I'm 35 now. Life has changed. So to be here today, I'm very, very grateful. But it's that thing, isn't it? It's kind of that progression of life. I actually think we might have met many, many, many years ago. Oh, God. Because I used to work for an entertainment website. Basically, it was when Geordie Shaw first started. Yeah. And I got sent the first two episodes and was sent out to meet you all. What do you think? I was so used to interviewing people who were just media trained and who would just say what they thought would make them look good whereas you guys, it was so refreshing because you just didn't care We had no filter No No filter And it got us in trouble, but it made us who we are But also, I guess at that time as well, it was amazing to see a show where you were just being yourselves It wasn't like, I don't know, my brother's on TOWIE or was on TOWIE so I kind of have a different image of that and Made in Chelsea there was something about you guys that was just unashamedly you.

2:50It was. And I think, like, listen, we got a lot of backlash, but we also made amazing TV. Yeah. And I think Geordie Shore in its day was so rare because we had, you know, the likes of Made in Chelsea and Towie. Yeah. It all came around at the same time. Yeah. So for Geordie Shore to be compared to the other shows that were very glamorous and people lived a very lavish lifestyle compared with Geordie's, we were absolutely skinned. We had no money. We didn't know what we were thrown into. So for Geordie Shaw, it was so different. But that's why everyone loved it because we were relatable. We always compare it to like being students, uni students.

3:30And we had cameras following us 24-7s. And although we weren't learning much in life, we were partying and we were having a great time. Like we were 20, 18. Some of them were 18 to about 21 years old. And we had cameras following us like all over. So to think like from then to how TV is now, it is very, very different. But Geordie was probably, you know, I'm not giving myself a big head, but it was probably one of the best reality shows out there in its time. It's that thing, it's kind of Big Brother-esque in a way because you were all in one house. Yes. But it wasn't going out every night. So it's very, very different to have this show that's got a proper story arc.

4:14And, you know, you really get to know those characters and are very different. We used to film for six weeks. So how mental is that? We used to, MTV used to take us like Australia. Yeah. Australia for six weeks. And they were like, right, just have a good time. So we were just so like young, in 20s, and we're in Australia. And, you know, we were living this crazy lifestyle. Like when I think about it now, and if someone said, would you do it all again the way it used to be? I would say absolutely. It was just one of a kind. And, you know, like you said, Big Brother was different. It was every night.

4:48But for Geordie Shore, people used to watch a big series of it that was filmed over nearly two months without mobile phones. Yeah. We had no bank cards. We couldn't speak to family. We, like, were taken away from reality. Yeah. Living in this bubble like Big Brother. And we had to communicate with each other. so we had to speak to each other. We couldn't just sit on your phones. You had to ask people about life and story. And I think that's why the Geordie cast now, like, you know, different from other TV shows, we are so close. Yeah. And, you know, we're bridesmaids at each other's weddings and, you know, aunties and uncles to people's kids now.

5:26So it was one of its kind. I wonder if there's also an element of, because you're all in one house, there's nothing sort of like, you know what, I've got this and I've got this. You know, there's none of that competitiveness in that way. There was never. Look, there was times where obviously people were doing better than you and the popularity of the show, that just happens in the world of reality TV. You know, you've got like Charlotte and Gaz were like such a mega story and Charlotte was one of a kind. She was just like so different. I used to just idolise her because the way she was and she just didn't care.

5:59So obviously you've got different popularities and Holly was just different to me and Vicky and, you know, we had all the girls who were just different in all the different ways. and then for some of the cast obviously it was it was harder but there was never like a sort of competitiveness yeah and there was never like anger towards each other we just got on so well and it didn't really matter and when jolly show did finish and like the series and we'd go for lunch and stuff together we'd never talk about like work or like jobs really or like how much we get or anything like that but would you watch it together and kind of be like Oh, my God, I can't believe I did that.

6:36I've got really funny stories about this. So, obviously, my parents watched it back in the day. Right. This was hard. We know what was on TV back then. It was great. But my parents, it was on on a Tuesday night. I remember it so well. They used to record it on Sky. My mum is very different than my dad. My dad's a little bit more strict there. My mum used to fast-forward the bit. The rude bit. So she used to fast forward the bits that were probably not really good for parents' eyes. So that was the hard thing, like knowing that your parents watched it. And we did watch it as well. Sometimes I was like, I just can't watch that.

7:15But now we see on TikTok all the reruns. That's the hard bit now. Because also it's taken, not out of context, but it's definitely taken out of its time. Yes. You know what I mean? That existed at that point. Everyone got it. Everyone knew what it was. It was brilliant. Whereas now, it's hard to judge it by today's 100%. It's just different. And look, I do look on TikTok and people comment about it, but that's another generation. Like, you know, 30-year-olds, 40-year-olds, our generation. Oh, we all knew what it was like. We all knew. Go out and have one of your friends so drunk they're under the table.

7:47Do you know what I mean? It was the cool thing. Now it's not. It's all about skincare and air wraps and stuff. Yeah, absolutely. What was your childhood like before Geordie Shore? I had a really, really good upbringing. You know, I say this to my mum quite a bit. I'm like, I'm so grateful for the upbringing that I had. It was really fun. I grew up in a Persian household. What does that look like? It's so different. When I tell people, because obviously what they see from me is Geordie Shore, a Geordie girl living a Geordie life. But I lived two lives. I lived this Persian lifestyle. So my dad's family were all Persian.

8:25and we didn't really have like barbecues where it was like boozy drinking, which is mental because I went on Jordan Shaw. It was more food. Our lives were revolved around food and family and, you know, my nan would put these feasts on and we were so, so close and we still are. We didn't have loads of money, but we got through. And the reason why we got through is because we were just happy in life. Nothing mattered about money. And I think that's probably a lot of people from the North East. We aren't brought up with a lot of, you know, not a lot of us financially stable. So for us, life was more about like just food and gatherings and being together and family and love.

9:08And I think that's why now, like I would love a family so much because my childhood was so magical. Yeah. And it was all about family. Was it something that you always thought growing up, like, you know, the idea of being a mum and having a family of your own? Was that something that you thought, well, that's obviously going to happen? I've went through a roller coaster. Really? Yeah, weirdly. I always, everyone always says in Geordie's show, I was always the mother. They were like, oh, Sophie was always the mother and one, and I did look after the girls. But when I went through a time where I was single for about four years, I got to a point where I was like, I might just, I might meet someone with the child that they've already got, and that's fine.

9:48I can do that. Or I probably just might not have kids now. so for four years of my life it was a time where I was like don't know if I want it do you think that was also because what do you think it was because you're on your own or the age that you're on your own I think being single when you're in your 30s I think there was a pressure and I thought if I'm not gonna find anyone now I'm never gonna find anyone so maybe I should just accept that probably not gonna have kids and the person I meet probably will have them and I'll take them kids on that's fine but for me I was like nah I really I didn't feel like I was gonna really meet someone that I want that weirdly because growing up I always want to get married and have kids by the time I was 25 I think a lot of we always have a number well that number comes from nowhere yeah and I don't get that and that's where the pressure comes from because you know from being 18 19 you plan your life and I think this is where we go wrong because I plan my life and I thought, by the time I'm 26, I'm going to have kids, I'm going to be married, I'm going to have a house, my life's going to be sorted.

10:54So when that doesn't happen and you end up getting in your 30s, that pressure's still there that you didn't accomplish that. So then you're like, you're putting age on stuff. So I think that's where a lot of the pressure for me has came from. Thinking I was settled and then getting in my 30s and being like, well, I'm not now. Now I'm quite depressed and I'm sad about my life. It's funny, isn't it? Because 30s is actually still young. And even in terms of having kids, that's still young. Yeah, it is. But it's that thing in our heads that kind of goes, no, I'm going to do it in my 20s. And if your friends are also starting to do it, then that kind of puts you already with their partner and they're doing this already.

11:32I think it's also just the pressure of society as well. Like, yes, we have ourselves to blame, but a lot of it comes from society. And, you know, our mums back in the day were having kids at 19, 20. That was normal. Now if I think back to me being 20, I just wasn't at the Geordie Shore house. I would have not been able to look after a child, couldn't even look after myself. So I think society has got a lot to blame on that as well and the pressure on women, which is quite sad. How did things change when you met Jordan? When I met Jordan, my life was just finally complete. I'd looked for someone for four years and in that four year, it was kissing so many frogs, going out with the wrong men.

12:13and, you know, looking for, like, looking for love in other ways. So, like, I'd post, like, bikini photos on Instagram seeking validation for men. Or I would go to the clubs and if I couldn't find someone, I'd just get blackout drunk and go home depressed. I had my own house in Newcastle. And, you know, when I think back to that time, it was amazing because I had my own home and it was successful, but I was really lonely and living in there for, like, four years, I just imagined a partner in there and a family. Also, what you're highlighting there is the whole thing of what we post online isn't necessarily how we're feeling.

12:49100%, yeah. It's almost like we're sort of pretending. It was. I never really want to accept and let everyone know that I wasn't feeling good. I was that girl like, I'm single, I'm free, I live in my best life. Like I was posting the TikToks and the Instagrams when deep down I would go home and cry and be like, I just want to really find someone. And, you know, you look back on scenes of Geordie Shore where I was just crying all the time and I do the green screens and I was like, I just want to find someone. And everyone around us was settling down. Yeah. And I started to question who I was and what I was about.

13:27I remember saying to a lot of people, I'm not going to find anyone. I'm too loud. Maybe I need to be quieter. oh my god maybe I need to go blonde maybe people like blondes more and maybe I need to wear different clothes and I started to do that I started to get a lot more work done to my face which is sad I've had it all dissolved now I went white blonde which made me my hair fall out I was probably not eating enough so I was skinny and then I was wearing certain clothes and posting that on Instagram because I wanted the boys to to like us yeah so that is quite sad looking back now and then the moment I met Jordan which was at um Jog on the cancer event right remember them ones yeah they were really good I remember Peter Andre was singing at this moment and I walked into this event and I seen Jordan but I'd already seen him on TOWIE right so I was like oh my god he's amazing beautiful beautiful hair and just this Essex boy and I approached him at the bar and we had a drink together and it was like you know when people see when you know you know yeah it's cliche but there was something magical about that moment and even though we're just at this celebrity event, me and Jordan sat down and we talked all night and I was just like, this is different and he like accepts me and I was just being me and you know, I was being loud and I was being, you know, the Geordie girl and I was chatting and laughing.

14:51It was the first time where I felt like I could just be myself with this stranger. And yeah. Do you think part of that as well is because he came from a world where he knew more of what your world is like. Yeah. I've always vouched for I would never want to date someone else in reality TV. Yeah. I always said I didn't want to do that. Like, you know, you don't know what's real and what's not. And like, they're going to have the same job as you. And there might be competition if he gets like, I don't know, I'm a celebrity and I don't. Yeah. I always thought that. But meeting Jordan, he's got a normal job.

15:25He's a barber. So he's a full-time job. So I'm like, that was sexy about that as well. So meeting him was just so different. And maybe because he did do the same job as me. I don't know, maybe just that moment was just mental compared to how I've met other boys in the past. Yeah, that's amazing. Did things move quickly from that point? Extremely. Really? I don't beat around the bush. I think as well, look, when you get to a certain age, you know what you want yeah yeah I think in your 30s you know what you want listen you've dated and you've you've met men and I think going through what I went through I'm grateful because it led me to Jordan yeah to someone I knew that ticked the boxes that I wanted in the past people wouldn't take any boxes it would be red flags but I'd just accept and it's that isn't it because I think so often as women especially of our generation kind of going no but I need to I need to be loved I need that person anyone yeah anyone anyone yeah and you know it can turn out the worst relationship but it's just because you want to be with someone at a certain age and you accept it you know you settle for less which is the worst thing you can do because how are you ever gonna be happy if you're staying with someone that's not gonna serve your purpose so for me meeting Jordan was a breath of fresh air and I think you know I knew exactly what I wanted from a relationship and you know Essex boys they have got you know the the rumors about it they're tarnished with a bad brush but my Jordan is just he takes every single box and he's not like your typical Essex boy he's just got an amazing amazing heart and I feel very lucky six months into the relationship we were getting that house we were like right let's go for it really and if you decide at that point we're gonna what made you go I'm gonna come down to Essex I think obviously I had a lot of work in london anyway so i was always looking to move down here but i think with jordan it just felt right yeah it was weird i can't really explain it but compared to every everyone else with jordan i was like he is i think this is it yeah but then again i did used to think that don't let me out that but everyone i met i was like i love him i love him like this is the one girls this is the one because there's that desperation almost to keep that person in your life and tell yourself that's the person I'd go on like three dates my friends loved it we used to call it the three monthers so most boys were like three monthers but I used to go on these dates and like I used to meet them I was like girls this is the one I'm definitely going to marry them they're like you definitely aren't but that's fine and then it would come to the end I was like yeah nah at what point did you two start talking about having a family together So when I met Jordan, I had to be honest with him.

18:24And I said, look, because in Jordi, Jordi show, we did like a spin-off where it was like following our lives. So I was turning 30 and I went and got a fertility check because I was like, I just, look, I'm turning 30. I want to meet someone. Let's get a fertility check. So I got that on camera and the crew were so good with us. they were like look if anything comes up are you all right for us to carry on filming and then I was like oh my god what happens if something does yeah but I said to them look yeah because my life has been unfiltered since the age of 20 yeah you know if anything comes up maybe I can help other women so I got this fertility check and they checked everything and there was a little bit of bad news and the lady who checked us said look everything seems all right but you've got like like maybe endometriosis.

19:22So for me, I went, I can't even say the word, let alone know what that means. She was like, you could potentially struggle to have a family. So instantly I was like... And it's that potential thing, right? Because friends that I've got that have got endometriosis, you can't get properly diagnosed until they literally cut you open. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly that, exactly that. So for me, my mum was there, and it was a hard scene that I have to watch back sometimes. and, you know, getting told that may have endometriosis and struggle to have a family. I was like, well, what do I do? Like, what about if I meet someone, I have to tell them that and they don't want to be with us because...

19:59Do you think that was also part of your... You know, when you said you kind of switched your mind and thought maybe kids aren't in my future. Do you think having that as a potential thing that was going on with you, do you think that was also a protective thing? Yes, I think 100 % it was protecting myself. Yeah. And maybe it was a little bit of anger being taught that. And I was like, well, maybe if I've got endometriosis, maybe I just don't want kids. So maybe that or accepting that, looking at the negative in that story and being like, you may not be able to have kids, but then me and going, I can't have kids, maybe I don't want them.

20:34So 100%. But then, you know, I went on to do like a lot of outspoken things and speak about endometriosis to find out what it was. because you're talking around about five years ago now when it wasn't really talked about. So I did a lot of investigation. I tried to get a lot of private treatment as well. I went on the NHS, but the waiting list was so long. So I tried to get private treatment, which was taken quite a long time as well. But COVID hit. So it was really hard to get any kind of appointment. And I think at this point I was like, I'm just going to leave it. So when you met Jordan, did it feel like, when you were having that chat?

21:15Did it feel like something you had to bring up really early? So weirdly, I went and got another test, as I was seeing Jordan. So we were filming something else. Anyways, I went and got another fertility test. Jordan came with us and they did all the tests again and then they went, we don't think you've got endometriosis. I was like, wait, three years ago I was taught I maybe have, but now you're saying I haven't. So I went to Jordan, let's just go for it. Yeah. Let's just... But at this point, if you've got nothing to tell you that you might have any issue with your facility, go for it. Yeah. So obviously me thinking, as soon as sperm meets the egg, I'm going to get pregnant.

21:54Yeah, which is what we're taught when we're young. So me thinking, right, we're going to go for it. It's going to happen. So that started to happen. You get a month three. I was like, all right, okay. It's not really happening here. I mean, we were at it like Robin. It was quite new in the relationship as well. So it was fun. But as time was going on, I was like, right, this isn't really, should it be like this? Is this quite normal? So I started to reach out and I was on forums as anonymous. It was quite sad because I didn't want to open up and tell anyone. I was quite embarrassed about it all.

22:29And then it got to about a year and I was like, something's not right here. I really don't feel like it is. So I went and got more checks done, you know. Were you doing ovulation tests or anything like that at the time? Everything. You name it. Like, I was like a mad woman. And did it show that you were ovulating during that year? Ovulating was absolutely spot on. Perfect. Hitting the peaks. Going day after day after day. Then I'd miss a day. Do a day, miss a day, do a day, miss a day. Then we'd get the sperm lube, the fertility lube. Yeah. We'd do that. And then we'd also, everything in the book, legs overhead.

23:05Like, we'd do it. I was doing handstands. He was having cold showers. everyone was like take macaroon do this do that so I was like all right okay I remember there was one point where I was like mixing portion this is ridiculous but I was mixing cloves and cinnamon and oranges in a pan and drinking that every morning because I heard it was like an old wives deal I was absolutely sending myself insane like the emotional wreck I was in probably the first year of trying when I look back now it was hard and the strain it probably put on me and Jordan even being a new relationship was probably not the best well it's very hard to keep it fun and sexy when you're literally just driven just driven that that need and that desperation it's sort of like look me and John were you know we'll call it we're making love but it was to the point where like it was one o 'clock in the afternoon and I was obsessed with doing ovulation sticks I was like, right, can you just hurry up and do the client because we've got to just do it.

24:09And it was like, it was taking away the excitement about that one night of passion with your partner and it got like that was like a job. So the first year, you know, was absolutely hell. We're two and a half year in now, but I would say a year and a half. Did you feel when it came to that point where your period was due, did you ever towards the end did you still feel excited about the possibility or did you find yourself dreading that time I think I was in such a negative mindset that it was like I give myself so much hope and I was like it's gonna happen it's gonna happen and I think look a lot of women if they are trying to get pregnant you highly symptom spot yeah which is quite dangerous so every moment you'd be like oh my god I've got a cramp yeah that's that's implantation or you'll you'll maybe spot and you'll be like implantation bleeding or my boobs hurt it's all same signs is coming on your period so mentally I was like which is interesting because before I first started trying with any of my kids I was never aware of those symptoms yeah that you just have every month no but then when you're trying all of a sudden everything everything everything your symptoms spot everything you're like oh I feel a bit sick today yeah oh my god I'm pregnant yeah so that happened quite a bit and there was one sad time that I woke up one morning and there was two lines and I was like oh my god I was like oh my god there's a line oh my god am I pregnant I was like no way could this happen so obviously set the camera you know yeah the Instagram video and I was like, shouted John in the room.

25:51We celebrated and it was just amazing. This moment felt like just everything I've ever wanted. But then I was like, right, I'm just going to take another one, just in case. And John was like, I've got to go filming now. I was like, right, you go filming, I'll be fine. This is amazing. He was kissing us and it was just fab. He left to go filming and I did it again and I went, oh, oh, the line's gone. I was like, that's really weird. Did I just see that? Was that in my head? Am I like seeing things? So I looked into it and apparently it's a chemical pregnancy. So it's where the body's obviously producing a pregnancy, but it just goes.

26:32So that was probably a moment where it was like, this is tough, extremely tough, because you're celebrating a pregnancy and you're fantasizing over this life you're going to have and then it's taken away from you within 10 minutes, if that, like 20 minutes. So that was a really, really hard point of mine and Jordan's fertility struggle. How far into things were you at that point? I think we were probably about a year and a half. Probably about a year and a half we were at that. And things got tough. It got to a point where I remember, God, this is a mad one. We were filming in Cyprus and everyone taught me to take Clomid.

27:17They're like, Clomid boosts ovulation. I haven't got ovulation problems, but I was like, I'll try anything, anything. I went to the doctors over there because you can buy them over the counter for like six quid. Because I was like, I'm just going to do anything. Took them and I remember taking them and my hormones were that bad. It come to the point where I think a week after taking them, maybe two weeks, I had a suitcase at the front door in Essex threatening Jordan to say I'm leaving him and I don't want to be with him because it made me that much of, I'll just say, a crazy woman to the point where I thought I didn't want to be with the partner that I love and try and for a child with.

27:58It made me awful. And obviously I didn't get pregnant that month from that because I don't have ovulation problems.

28:13So at what point did you decide to go back and investigate further? So I was just like, enough's enough. I kind of, we both couldn't do it. And our relationship was, you know, it was taking a toll on the relationship as well. So I said, right, let's just get more tests. Then obviously I got approached to speak about this more openly on every woman for Paramount. and I was like, yeah, because I think it'll help me and it'll help other women. It's a bit like, weirdly, like my therapy. Yeah. Being able to speak about it openly to other women. Because the series follows you, but you also talk to other women on it as well.

28:49Yeah. And you've got, you know, a whole range of women in different scenarios. When I started talking about it on social media, I was like, oh my God, I'm not alone. And look, I won't speak about other people, but there is a lot of people in the public eye that we will know that have reached out to me privately, which is so incredible that they've opened up to us and made me feel like it's not just me. Not only that, a lot of other women are going through the same thing who might not want to speak about it publicly, their friends or family, but they will to me. So it was like I built this community of powerful women who were all going through the same thing.

29:26And it was like, I'm not alone. And I thought I was. And I think that was the hardest point of going through fertility thinking you are alone. you know it's hard because you want to protect your partner too i didn't want jordan to be upset so i'd protect him when it was my period i'd be like i'm not just not going to tell him i've came on yeah and i didn't want to because i don't want to upset him i want to protect him but i wasn't protecting myself either yeah it was just a spiral but then yeah doing every woman was like this new lease of life i had where i was like empowering other women and we were all in it together and I was finding out stories and then it gives me a little bit more of a push to get more tests done.

30:05It felt like watching the series that there was you were almost relieved at different points and I imagine having having tests done and being given um you know being told that everything's fine you know there must be a relief with with certain ones but also that feeling of but then why? Weirdly I said this when I was filming I was like I want to jump for joy that There's nothing wrong with us. I'm very lucky and very blessed. But in a weird way, I would rather something be wrong. Yeah. I would rather something be wrong with me. Because then it can be fixed. It can be fixed. So I wasn't getting any answers.

30:42And I was like, I am a healthy girl. And my partner had all the tests done. He had all the sperm tests done. Like passed with flying collars. So I was like, there is something not right here. Because now we're going into like two years. Yeah. And we've had one chemical, which was a long time ago. And we haven't had one positive test in all that time. What is going on with my body? Something's not right. So I got like high-cozy treatment, which flushes your tubes, which was excruciating pain. I was getting all the probes done, bloods done, like you name it. And unfortunately, I just came to a standstill where we weren't getting any answers.

31:23And the clinics would just keep saying to us, like, just carry on. just carry on or just get IVF and I was like I just feel like IVF isn't the answer for me I need to fix the problem because if we were to get IVF that could potentially fail and if that did what state we're going to be in then so for me I was looking for answers elsewhere to just try and look for the problem and that's when I finally found a clinic in Athens and that clinic in Athens called Fertilisys, who we've been working with at the minute, have found answers. Really? Finally got them after two and a half years. And honestly, I could get really emotional about it, thinking about it, but finally getting them answers after just begging and going through just the heartbreak of what I was going through.

32:17Looking back now, it was just a really lonely, sad, sad time. And one thing that came up actually on the series was something that was talked about with a lot of the women actually was that feeling of when it's you that is the one that's, you know, having the issues that are happening that's stopping that pregnancy from happening. It's that feeling of failure and that worry of whether that person is going to leave you or whether you're failing them. 100%. So that's how I felt. I felt like my body was failing as a woman. and I was like, you know, we're on this earth to reproduce and it would be such an amazing gift to do that.

32:57Why isn't my body doing that? And I know for a man as well, like men don't talk about it enough. Jordan does, he's quite open about it and he said, for a man and not being able to give your woman what she wants as well is really hard as well and, you know, men like to be men. They've got big egos, haven't they? and he was struggling because he couldn't give me what I wanted and I couldn't. So I thought my body was feeling on me too and I think it just got me to a really quite dark, dark place, you know, if I'm honest. And I just questioned everything in my life. You know, I did question. I was like, I was on Geordie Shore for all that years.

33:38Is it that? Oh, my God, did I drink too much in my youth? Or, you know, is it the foods that I eat or, like, my environments? And I questioned everything. But then I looked at the other Geordie girls who were just popping kids out for fun. And I was like, you know, people always ask us this question. And I do want to speak about it because a lot of people say, when you get pregnancy announcements around you and you're struggling, how do you deal with that? And I'll be honest, the first year I didn't. Really? It was hard, you know. I think seeing people come out with pregnancy announcements, and obviously it's my industry, Instagram, seeing that and these great announcements and finally got my baby and the baby showers and I cried every single time, every single time.

34:31Now, even with friends in the first year, I cried and I cried and I was like, why not make one? And it's that thing, isn't it? You can be happy for someone, so happy. But at the same time, it hurts. Sad for yourself. and look, I'll always celebrate anybody else's, you know, milestones. I'll always celebrate that and I'll always, you know, be the first one cheering for them. But there's a part of us that felt really sad for myself and questioned, why me? Why me? And I remember getting to the point where I would, like, go out and see people pregnant and I'd be like, so she looks like she's, like, in her 30s.

35:04Like, how's she pregnant? Or, like, I'd see other couples and I'd be like, well, how did she get pregnant and I didn't? like oh my god like I look really healthy and it was horrible horrible the way I was thinking you know comparing every single pregnant woman and myself and thinking why I haven't got it and being like well they've got that why haven't I and you know like I said when it was friends and family I was so happy for them so so happy but I just got a point where I'd cry and cry and Jordan would sit on the sofa and I John's obviously a barber and he's around a lot of young young kids because he cuts the hairs.

35:41And he would, like, pass me babies and be like, will you hold the little boy while I just do this? And I couldn't. I was like, John, please, can you just get the little baby off us? I was like, I can't. And he was like, why? He was like, you've got to. I was like, I just can't. I couldn't even hold a baby. So that was really, really tough. But, you know, come two year, two and a half year now, a lot of my friends have had babies now. Yeah. And my mindset's changed. Do you feel like it's been a bit of a journey mentally to kind of, now that you're getting answers, now that things feel like they're moving, do you feel like mentally you're in a much more positive place?

36:17I cannot explain the way I feel now. I feel like a different person. Really? I've came a long, long way. And I think the dark time was last year. And, you know, when I say dark, it was to the point of like, Jordan probably doesn't want to be with me anymore. Like, what am I going to do? And then now to the point where I've got answers, me and Joan are going to get treatment in September. So that is giving me hope. Again, it's that. It's something to, you're actively doing something. It's something you can do that will hopefully, yeah. Yeah. And look, we were looking to get IVF. IVF can be so successful for a lot of people.

36:54But for us, we found out we have a genetic problem and we have natural killer cells. Right. So it just doesn't. So I have to get this lit therapy, which is taking Jordan's blood and injecting into me his blood cells. And also a few other treatments were getting done. But now I have hope. And now I have this positive mindset of it's not if, it's just when. You know, and the clinic that I work with said it's not unexplained, it's just unexplored. And I was. That really stood out to me when you said that on the series, actually, that whole idea of nothing is unexplained. it's just unexplored and we finally got the answers we needed and you know now the research I've done it seems like this could work and it's listen might not even be that but the mindset I've got is people always get something in the end you know there's always the science is amazing these days what they can do and people always get that love in the end and if you don't there's look there's other ways you know we're not ruling everything out but in our journey we're not at like surrogacy or adoption or anything like that yet but look who knows in the near future it's getting out of the the stalemate isn't it it's getting out of that yeah actually feeling like no now there's another step there's another and that's a positive thing and you know we'll see what that one brings absolutely and who knows what's going to happen but there's a lot of pressure now because i've openly talked about it and look i'm always willing to speak about what I've went through.

38:25But now it's like, I know the nation's waiting for this magical story, which is unbelievable. And I am 100 % sure in my heart that that is going to be the most loved baby ever. And when it does happen, it's going to be so magical because as much as babies and children can be hard work, from what I've heard, it is the most amazing experience you can ever have in this world. And I just can't wait for motherhood. So that's from September. It starts from September and who knows? Yeah. Who knows? And I've just got, like, I think mindset does help a lot of things. Yeah. When I was going through the journey.

39:05And that's hard when you're going through the early days of that desperation to have people go, just be positive. Just don't think about it. Just relax. It'll happen. Go on holiday. Or just don't think about it. God, I got pregnant. It was a one-time wonder. Good for you. I was like, great. That can happen with people and they're very lucky. But unfortunately for me and Jordan, that wasn't happened. And by God, I tried to relax. But I knew my ovulation period. I knew in that five-day window when I could get pregnant. So it was hard to not forget about it. I just knew. And then relax, go on holiday.

39:38I mean, we're on holiday every month. So I was like, I am relaxing. And then once the period used to hit, when I came on the period, I would hit the drink. Because I'd be like, I'm not pregnant. now I'm going to just go out and get drunk which is probably not the best thing to do because I wasn't in a good frame of mind but you know from now me and Jordan have had a fantastic summer so much work and we're so grateful for everything we've got but now that things are calming down we are deciding to give our bodies a good break, maybe cut down from the beer, Jordan if you're listening the beer's going to calm down and you know just think about our bodies a little bit more and go on a little bit more of a health journey Well, how has your relationship with your body changed over the years?

40:21Because obviously being in Geordie Shore, I imagine, and then going into, you know, having Instagram pop up in the way that it really has since then. You know, so much of our focus is on how, especially women, how women look. You know, and I know that especially you Geordie Shore girls, there was so much emphasis on, you know, whether it was facially or with your bodies, and therefore so much judgment, I guess, from you towards your own body. Yeah. How has that evolved over the years and what has that been like now over the last few? I think being in the public eye at the age of 21, when there was no social media, it was a lot of magazines.

40:57If you look back, you would have at least one Geordie Shore girl on the front page of magazines about how we look or our weight. Every single week that was, at least one of us, which is quite sad. So I think mentally that did affect us. Yeah. Well, and you could see it, though, because all of a sudden you all got very skinny. You all had a lot of work done. Yep. Yep. And we were very open about it. So that was the thing. We weren't hiding it. And it was visually, obviously, you could see that we had work done. You know, we would lose weight and would go on the newest fad diet. So we'd get like a million eyelashes put on, tattooed eyebrows, like you name it.

41:33Whatever the trend was, by God, we were doing it. And then obviously it got to the stage of like liposuction and BBLs. and I got offered that in Turkey. They were like, we'll give you a BBL in surgery for free. I was like, wow, oh, my God, that's amazing. Is this the life? And they were like, oh, yeah, well, Kim Kardashian's, you're going to have her body. I was like, oh, my God, sign me up. Sign me up for that. You're not worried? I had no care in the world because, to be honest, I just wanted to be pretty. Right. And that is a sad thing. I wanted society to accept me for just being the pretty girl.

42:13And I was never that. I was always the curvy one, the one in the relationship. And I just wanted... The mother. The mother hen. And I just wanted to be accepted for being pretty. I just wanted the trolls to go away and I wanted them to stop calling us fat and stop calling us ugly and I'll fix my body. Then everyone's going to like us. Maybe I'll get more work. Maybe I'll get more magazine deals because back then, social media and magazine deals, it was all about the more slimmer women. It was about the more like magazine type girls. The world's amazing now and how it's evolved. It is incredible.

42:50But back then, if you were skinny and you were pretty, you were getting all the work. But if you were a little bit bigger or like, you know, a normal size woman, you weren't getting any work. So for me, getting the surgery was trying to fix everything, stop the trolls, maybe earn a bit of money because I'll be the pretty one. The list goes on. I did that and I got a BBL and nearly died. I basically had an abscess grown on my left bum cheek. Oh, my God. And it took over my whole body to the point where I was hours away from them saying I was dead. It was horrendous. and I remember being in the hospital bed in South Shields Hospital and my family being there and I just thought this is probably my goodbye and the doctor came in, they were like, we're going to have to rush you into surgery right now and I was like, what is going on?

43:48They said if that abscess bursts inside your body, you were going to, basically. So I was like, all right, and then still in my head, I remember saying to the doctor, whatever you do, if there's a scar, can you make it like a really clean scar? Because I was still thinking about doing the magazines and what people think if I've got this massive scar. It was just such, I was 24, I was 10 years on now. Yeah, yeah. I was just a kid. I was just a young, young girl and it's heartbreaking because I remember my mom and dad just didn't want us to do it. And I was like, I don't care. I'm going to get this.

44:25I'm going to look amazing. and all the rebellious childhoods that came out. But we were all taught to hate our bodies, to want for other stuff, and it's because of beauty standards and the beauty industry, right, that it's actually unobtainable. And now with all the tuning stuff that people do on their bodies, it's still an unobtainable thing. So then it's very hard for us to not only accept but love our bodies. And then when we're trying to do things like go through, have a baby and make our bodies do that, it's very hard to kind of have that love for our bodies that we've or I felt because I had a miscarriage when I before I had my first and I felt like um I had I had put so much hate on my body for so long yeah and then to go through that you kind of like well now it's failed me as well of course and it's a long process for you to kind of go my body did nothing my body literally carried me through life exactly and I think like our bodies are you know you need to thank your body and you know now I've had all the surgery done you know try to turn it back I try to go again and trying to get rid of the BBL and I want to fix everything and it was non-stop and like you've said you know now I think about my body being pregnant and weirdly I'm excited for that yeah even though my body will look completely different how I would have wanted it to look when I was young single want to be slim with the abs now I cannot wait to embrace the body of a pregnant woman and have a bump and yes put weight on yeah I'm going to enjoy every moment of that and you know my arms will get bigger my face everything will get bigger and you know I'm saying this now but um but I'm just going to embrace every moment of it because I think you know when women have the babies and I say on Instagram you know women boast about how to snap back you know that's one thing I will not be doing I'll not be like I've snap back and you know there's pressure on that there's always pressure and that is really really sad about the world that we do live in you know and for me I was under that pressure and you know I got a reverse tummy tuck but now I think god when I'm pregnant is like is my body going to be able to reach that side we don't think about that they do we because such younger women are targeted for this surgery which they simply don't need they don't think about what about when my body changes yeah not even just through pregnancy but just getting exactly you know and now like you know a few of the georgia girls that have been spoken about they have outspoken about it and you know they're trying to reverse the bbls we have a lot of sagging skin now because of all this that's went on so surgery never fixed anything yeah and did it just give you an awareness of the things that other things in your wrong a body that might be considered wrong that you could correct did it did it feed a never-ending never-ending because you knew now all you've got to do is go to sleep to get things fixed and you wake up and you've got a new body it is mentally just crazy and looking back now I should have fixed the inside and I should have fixed me mentally rather than trying to do it physically and I remember you know feeling a little bit you know put a bit of weight on so I'll go and get more filler in my jawline to give us a jawline oh god was I wrong that was making my face bigger I was getting bigger and bigger or you know I was feeling a little bit insecure oh just get a lip filler today makes me feel better and it did for that five seconds but looking back at all the photos I've got now when I had this Kylie Jenner package that was a really big trend and a lot of girls will remember this BBLs, Kylie Jenner package you know all that I remember there was a suction once for the lips can you remember that trend?

48:08Yeah, yeah. Like, it was just crazy. So recently I went and got all my filler dissolved, which, you know, my mum was saying today, before I left the house, you know, I've got my natural hair, my natural nails, my natural eyelashes. Filler's been dissolved. There's still some in there. But this version of me now is probably the best version of me ever. And how does that make you feel? I feel like I have finally won in life this is how I feel now obviously when I have a baby that like you know my life's gonna be fully complete and when Jordan finally proposes again but in myself I feel like this version of me now it's took everything it's had to in the past I've had to go through all that of all the crazy wild jordie shore life to be the woman who i am today and then now at 35 years old i've got so many life experiences i can you know help my future children and learn them the ways of life in a very different way from maybe i was raised and in my ways of life and i feel like being able to have that experience in life will you know be so good to help my future kids and the way they're going to be and role models to them.

49:26So I think 35 is a good year for me and I really love this era. The natural but not natural era. It's natural but it's not. It's a few tweaks, isn't it? You know, I like a bit of but off. The natural but not natural era. But not natural. I'm trying to raise my eyebrows. But it's better than what it was. but then went there's no Kylie and also it'd be very I guess when you have been going down that route the thought of having nothing very suddenly you know it's a big deal the confid blanket yeah and also being aware because you wouldn't have had the same level of awareness back then as to why you were doing everything you know now kind of going well actually I'm not going to be more worthy no I'm not going to change anything no no like people don't think of you differently no you know and I look back and I'm like why why did I do that what was I trying to achieve and you know now I think it's a lot being in love and having a relationship I think changed a lot of things because I finally wasn't trying to seek validation from random men you know I've got a person who adores us and loves me so unconditionally that I don't need to try and I don't need to get all this crap done to myself because he loves me for me and look But I know a lot of younger women, we do the same thing when you're single.

50:54You're in such a different place. And I'm not saying love makes you a different person. But I think just the acceptance of just who you are. And I know I'm Sophie Kasai and I know what I'm about. And I think that makes me happy I finally got there after 35 years of work. you see it's been a really positive hopeful and grounded place yeah yeah but trust me if I came here a year ago you wouldn't have said that and that's so important isn't it that's so important I think to to to meet you today on this journey when you're you're still not the ending that you want yet but knowing that that is a is a roller coaster because sometimes I think um you know it's so important to acknowledge the hard parts within this journey because you know at the end when, you know, hopefully fingers crossed that you've got that baby in your arms.

51:46It's very easy for people not to see the path that's got you there. 100%. You know, like I said, when I was doing the fertility show, I spoke to a lot of women who weren't in the best of minds and didn't have the positive outlook. And I get that. And I've been there. And it is so hard. And anyone who's going through fertility right now, I understand you. I feel you and I hear you. I've been there but I think finding out things that probably were wrong and getting answers made me this way but not many people might not be able to get answers and they're just sitting there in limbo and that is a tough tough journey but I would always say you know talking is probably the best therapy in the world and as you can see I love talking you do I love a waffle but I just think talking family friends I mean I was on anonymous forums yeah has that been important for you and Jordan as well to keep communicating yes we didn't used to but now we've learned we have to communication's key and when we don't communicate that's when it gets it's a bit like there's an elephant in the room but I don't want to talk about it like you know last night he was like have we got a flashing smiley and I was like yeah we've got a flashing smiley so you're still doing the other relationships still doing it Still doing it.

53:10Jordan, bless him, he's always got hope. But I think for me, I know something else is coming. So that's made you relaxed? I'm relaxed. I'm checked out a little bit, weirdly, because I know that the treatment's coming. So, I mean, a bit TMI, but yeah, last night he was like, flash and smiley. And I was like, I went, it's 11 o 'clock at night. I says, I've got a really important podcast tomorrow. I'm going to go to sleep. Oh, my God, that was it. I can't believe we've got in the way of you trying I know it was a great excuse so I was like so yeah the flash and smile is there but it'll be static tomorrow so anyways he's got his flowers today so I think tonight's the night so I'm just saying look we're not stopping everything we're still going we've still got hope even though the future is near so if you could write a letter on the journey so far who would it be to and what would you say I think it would always be to myself.

54:08And that's where I'm going to get a little bit too many here. But I would say it would be to myself, to my younger self. Let's go younger self. And I would say you are so beautiful and you've been raised in the most amazing, successful family and friends and you've got such an amazing future ahead of you. Stop worrying what people think. Remember who you are. you are different and remember to stand out from the crowd because that's what makes you beautiful and you're eventually going to find the most amazing partner ever that's going to love and adore you every single bit of you and your future is going to be incredible so keep going, don't give up and smile and laugh along the way I love that so much and we end the podcast with you completing a couple of sentences the first one is if I could tell you one thing, it would be?

55:03If I could tell you one thing, it would be to wake up and look at yourself in the mirror every single day and just say it out loud or say it to yourself, you are beautiful. And over and over again, and eventually you become that and you believe it. Knowing what you've just said about all the things that you've sort of done over the years to chase that beauty, to hear you say that. Yeah. No, that is such a massive, massive deal. Well, it's the thing of great at giving advice, but bad at taking it. I hope to get a little video of you tomorrow saying that to yourself when you wake up. Okay. Okay.

55:42Okay, I got it. I'll do that for you. Final sentence, I'm happy when. I'm happy when I'm at home with my partner and just drinking a cup of coffee and just eating snacks and just sitting in absolute silence where the world just stops. I love it. Thank you so much. Honestly, thank you so much. And I can't wait to have you back on when there's... You can give me a lot of good advice, I can imagine, about the chaotic children. The advice is don't take advice. Don't take advice. Love it. That is true. Thank you so much for having us. And honestly, anyone who's going through fertility issues, then make sure you do watch the show because it can help a lot of women and remember my dms are always open thank you