Why Hannah East Talks About Her Loss on Stage

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0:37Hannah East: Hello and welcome to a brand new episode of Happy Mum, Happy Baby, the podcast. Today's guest is the hilarious Hannah East. I howled my way through this recording so I've got absolutely no doubt that you are going to enjoy it. Her route to comedy is quite a random one. She was actually a very, very, very good swimmer, became a coach, was on the Gladiators and ended up having to read in for Caroline Flagg. She is also the co-host of the podcast No Parental Guidance with our lovely Louise Boyce, who we've had on before. She's a mum of three. She is absolutely hilarious. She shares loads of different sketches online about motherhood.

1:19Hannah East: I think you're going to love her. So here she is, Hannah Reist.

1:25Hannah East: I go sub-essex when I'm drunk or if I'm in a sort of a confrontation, let's say. On the school gates and your pyjamas kicking the shit out of another mum. What are you fucking talking about? Is that what you mean? That is me actually, that was me this morning. How was your morning? You asked me about mine but was yours chaotic?

1:48Gi: Oh yeah, chaos, yeah, just chaos.

1:49Hannah East: How old are you all of yourself?

1:51Gi: Two, seven and nine. Okay. Yeah, two-year-old girl and then two boys. Okay. Yeah, and my daughter was walking around with a Barbie and a plastic shotgun. We were like, what are my six? And she's got hair like, you know, they won't always let you tie it up. Yeah. So she looks like Wurzel Gummidge. You know the film The Good Dinosaur? Yes. And they have that little kid that runs around in a leopard print nappy with hair. That's her. We're like, Arlo? She looks like that. Yeah, it was chaos. Yeah.

2:21Hannah East: I've had to start saying now, look, I won't, because all of my boys have long hair, but obviously if they're having the tenner on toast or porridge, whatever they're having in the morning, it will dip into it. So now I've started going to the little one. I'm not going to brush it. I'm just going to gather and tie so you don't get something in your hair. I'm going to scoop it. Scoop it. And then I'll do it properly after. Because, yeah, it's just a, the hair's a big thing. It is. It is a big thing. I did have a thing when I was pregnant with my third, because I didn't find out where any of them were.

2:49Hannah East: suddenly thinking, I was at a park looking at a little girl and I suddenly had this thought of if I have a girl I'm going to actually have to brush their hair like with the boys when they had short hair it was just like just get out of the house, didn't even need to worry about it and there was that panic of the boys suddenly went oh but she didn't think about it for a little while so let's all just grow our hair

3:12Gi: and now when I look at Annabelle where they put the nursery pictures at the end of the day and I look and think oh where is she in the pictures and I scroll through and then I just see this like bouffant fluffy hair that she didn't let me touch in the morning. She's walking around nursery with a plastic shotgun probably. And I think, oh, there's my daughter. But I'm not going to rugby tackle her in the morning to get her in a bobble. It's just, yeah, bless her.

3:37Hannah East: No, they'll get there. They'll get to the point where they're just like, actually, I'm really into this now.

3:42Gi: Yeah. I want eight French plaits. Have you seen, you know, where the dads get the Henry Hoover, put a bobble on? That will be my husband.

3:49Hannah East: And Chessie King's husband, Matt, has done this thing. He did the thing a little while ago where he got a bunch of... It was called like... It was called like ponytails and a pint, something like that. And he basically got a bunch of dads together and they learned how to do hair. Really? Yeah, like different styles. I was like, I need that. I don't know anything other than a bun and a ponytail. That's all I've got. I'd go all northern though if I had a pint.

4:17Gi: He'd be like, fucking bubble, right? He'd be like, oh, never arrived. I don't think we should go for a pint of an egg. Or maybe you just watched a video on YouTube or something like a cup of tea. But yeah, mine are at that very impressionable age. My nine-year-old has got the intelligence and brain of a 20-year-old, so his understanding is very vast. And then my middle child is probably the stereotypical middle child where I can't fucking clue what he's doing half the time. It surprises me every day. And then, yeah, Annabelle, my youngest, is in nappies. We're at that stage of, like, the lack of understanding with instruction and she will do what she wants.

5:01Gi: And we're actually living in a rented house because we're refurbishing our house. And she's discovered Sharpie pens.

5:07Hannah East: No.

5:09Gi: It's so bad. So she goes and hides. You know when kids hide behind the curtain when they do a poo? she hides behind the doors with a Sharpie pen and she's like the amount of doors we're going to have to have the house redecorated before we actually move out

5:26Hannah East: but I like the fact that she's doing it behind the door you know it's like when you go in graffiti not now, in toilets public toilets but it's behind the door isn't it so it's like those secret messages to each other that when they're open no one else knows about but actually you're all going to move out and the new lot are going to be in and they're going to shut the door and be like, what? And it's going to be Annabelle's little secret messages.

5:49Gi: Just scribbles everywhere. But it's that age now where it's like, because we've said we're not going to have any more kids and I think, oh, I want to enjoy every stage that she's going through but it's kind of quite a tough stage. You know, they won't get in the car seat. So she's like that. And it's like when people walk past, if they don't have kids and they see me trying for safety to strap my children into the car, they'd be like, somebody needs to ring social services on that woman. And it's like, there's nothing to see here. I just have a two-year-old that won't get in the car seat. And she can take her arms out the straps.

6:22Gi: And when you drive in, oh, my God.

6:24Hannah East: We had one who kept her, learned how to actually undo his belt. So you'd have to keep putting the car over because they could actually get out. This isn't fun, is it?

6:34Gi: So when you're on the motorway and you're like, oh, hi, sweetheart. A little kiss. Oh, my God. And they always say, I will get arrested if the policeman sees this. And they're like, no.

6:43Hannah East: Did you know the light thing's not true? You know how, you know when the kids like putting lights on in the car? Is that not true? No. So I thought, growing up, we weren't allowed the lights on in the car because you'll get pulled over against the law. Apparently not. Who, like, yeah, wow. So I always go, turn it off! We're going to be pulled over! I'm not spending the night in a cell!

7:03Gi: Who's going to look after you? Your dad's playing golf. Your dad's doing a triathlon He's not here I didn't know that But when you said it then I was like Are you confirming What I've always thought You were Yeah yeah yeah It's like turning the car radio down To concentrate Yes Yeah I do that a lot I do that I do that I do that Especially if reversing Yeah It's got to turn it down Concentrate Be quiet kids Like mummy How long has the sky been there And it's like I'm trying to reverse It's always in those Really tight spaces And you know you can't open the doors to get out. Yeah. Either side. But you're in.

7:38Hannah East: Yeah. You got in. So that's fine. I did it though, didn't I?

7:41Gi: Everyone's getting out the boot.

7:42Hannah East: Yeah.

7:42Gi: It's okay. Because we got in the space. Yeah. We're late for school anyway. Just give it five. The story of my life. Oh, bless you. Hannah, what was your childhood like? Yeah, we used to just swim all the time. That was like our thing as a family. And then you get all your friends, don't you? At the swimming club and then the parents. So my mum and dad had a great social life with them as well.

8:02Hannah East: Did they used to swim before you came along?

8:04Gi: No, no. Wow. It was just a thing. My brother had a few issues with his knees and the doctor said, oh, you should try swimming. So it was a bit like, oh, okay. And then that's just sort of how it progressed. So our life was just in a swimming pool every weekend. I mean, the dedication that comes with that.

8:20Hannah East: And you, I mean, you did swim competitively and you were very, very, very good.

8:25Gi: I was, I was all right. I got to the Commonwealth trials. Yeah. and I kind of, at that point, I was running the swimming club and training, and it's really weird when I look back because I actually used to set up, a guy used to open the pool for me before my squad would come in to train at 6, so he'd open the pool at 4.30 for me. So you could do your stuff before? So I would do the session that I'd just put for the kids, I say kids, some of them are like 18, 19, and I would put a video camera in the pool and video myself swimming for the hour and a half and I would do the session and then I knew what times I was getting so I could tell them what times I did to make sure that they were pushing themselves.

9:06Gi: And I, believe it or not, burnt myself out. Really? Before it was a thing. Yeah, yeah. Before we all know. I was like 18, 19 years old. And I don't know, I just look back and I think, where did that drive come from? It was like, not an anger, but just I've got to do this. Yeah. And then I later, I had two jobs during the day. I worked at a centre for adults with learning difficulties because I did occupational therapy at university. And I would coach in the morning, work all day, and then coach every evening and like saved in my gap year when I went to uni to fund university. And I look back and I think the day that I went to university, the coach took one look at me and he was like, you look terrible.

9:53Gi: Like, are you okay? And I was so thin. and he was just like, what's going on? So he was like, just have a bit of a break, just take a bit of time out and then just decide what you want. And obviously university, people coming in at four in the morning, banging on your door, asking if you want a kebab, chips and garlic sauce and then you get up at five to go training. It just didn't work for me. So I kind of kissed goodbye to that and then opened the doors to Lamborghini and going out. So life took a bit of a turn.

10:23Hannah East: And a 2.0. So, yeah, I've arrived. Well, from that then, so going from your swimming career, your coaching, going to uni, at what point do you look at Gladiators and go,

10:37Gi: yeah, fancy a bit of that? Well, my brother was living in Japan. Right. And he was listening to Radio 1. And Sarah Cox said, oh, they're doing the remake of Gladiators. And my brother said, oh, he messaged me and he said, I think it was on, like, MySpace. My brother sent me a message. Oh, Baybar. Do you remember Bay Bar? One of them. And he said, oh, they're auditioning for Gladiators. Why don't you do it? And we used to watch Gladiators, you know, Blind Date, as I'm sure. You know, Saturday, You've Been Framed. Yeah. What a time. It was amazing. It was so good. As a family all together, like, sat watching it.

11:10Gi: It was amazing. It was, like, golden years. Yeah. And no responsibility, which was great. And so I went for the audition. Yeah. And I remember walking in and I saw this guy, one of the trainers was like looking at me and um and I thought what's he looking at and then I thought I don't want to like stare back at him because I don't want him to think I'm just staring at him because he's obviously like one of the trainers um and then he was like and here we are nearly 18 years later that's my husband he was like I was like who's that perv and I still said that this morning when I was trying to get out the shower and he popped his head around the door Andy I know you're there so yeah it's weird how things how the world works I know and it's a bit cringe I don't know if I should say this but he went up to the other trainer and he said oh you see that girl there and the other trainer was like yeah and he was like I'm going to marry her I'm going to marry that girl and the other trainer was like don't ever say shit like that again because that's weird and he was like oh I'm going to marry her and then he asked my number and then that was it it's really strange yeah so and what about your time on that show well that was again that was a big turning point because I'd finished uni and um the filming kind of started when um I'd finished the the summer yeah um so I was kind of in Shepparton Studios for I got through to the final yeah um the bitch that beat me she's the bitch that beat me got 25 grand and I got nothing um I just love the fact

12:44Hannah East: that, Hannah, I cannot find much out about you online, right? It's so like, because so much of your stuff is comedy-based. Yeah. So you don't necessarily use a lot. I imagine a lot of your truths are in there somewhere, but it's not like this happened to me. Yeah. So then when Gladiators popped up, I was like, what the fuck?

13:03Gi: How is that part of your story? What the fuck is going on here? Like, I never really tell people, because I guess the TV presenting I'll get into, but I always interview people. so my story's irrelevant it's about the other person so it's not often that I will talk about my life or myself so when you ask me questions like what's your childhood like I was like what what talk about me this feels a bit weird but it was the other turning point on Gladiators was Ian Wright and Caroline Flack were presenting it and Ian Wright said oh Caroline's just gone to get her makeup done or something could you just read her autocue for me and I'm stood there in my lycra's very conscious it's a widescreen TV at that point, which doesn't do anything for you.

13:48Gi: So I was just messing about with Ian Wright reading her autocue. And then he said, oh, you should be a presenter. You should get into TV presenting. Like he's like, that's quite funny. And then, yeah, it was I sort of finished Gladiators and then it was like, well, how do you get into TV presenting? like how do you do that yeah uh so I started presenting like on shopping channels uh any shit that was going I was like it Miss England beauty pageants I used to present all those around the country but the first first ever thing I did on live tv was during the day I was working for the governing body of swimming in Loughborough at the time right and I had to say to my boss listen I'm working on a shopping channel don't tell anybody but the staff Christmas party people were like where's Hannah?

14:36Gi: and he was like put the TV on because he'd had a few drinks and then there's me like but the producer for the 2012 Olympics was at that party so he was like let's get her on let's get her doing some sports presenting

14:49Hannah East: isn't that crazy again the way the world works

14:52Gi: yeah so weird yeah and then I did I presented the 2012 Olympic Games from that.

14:59Hannah East: That is incredible. Yeah. When you were younger, did you ever look forward to the future and think of having your own family? I know your family is so tight and connected, but did you think, oh, I'll create that myself one day?

15:11Gi: I always used to think I'd have four boys. Oh, really? Yeah, I was always a tomboy. Yeah. Used to love playing Kiss Chase at school. Didn't we all? Didn't we all, but I... Did you ever play Nicker Chase? We weren't all slags. I didn't play Nicker Chase. Come on, give me a bit of credit. No, I didn't. Did you play Nicky Chase at the school? Absolutely. What school did you go to? Hey. Or pregnant at 11.

15:37Hannah East: We just used to flash our Nicky's hand and we never used to, you know, that was it. Never show anything underneath it. I thought you were pleased to see me when I got here.

15:46Gi: She's so friendly. I never played that. Okay, just kiss Chase. Yeah, just kiss Chase. But my dad used to take me to the barber's to get my hair cut. So you know that old pudding bowl haircut? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I always used to stink of chlorine and have goggle rings and then I'd fallen over the handlebars of my bike so my front teeth were grey. So I used to be like chasing all the boys. They were literally up the trees trying to get away from me. They didn't want to kiss me at all. They'd be like, what should we play? Kiss, chase. And I was really quick at running. They were like, shit, she's coming.

16:16Gi: Get away. So that was pretty much my life. But yeah, I always used to think I'd love to have four boys. That would be the dream. And then when you met Andy, did you start talking about maybe having kids together one day?

16:28Hannah East: At what point was that part of the conversation?

16:30Gi: Well, that's really interesting because we both had said, after we'd finished Pervin, we had both said like we'd love a family. And I always said I'd love to have like three or four kids. That would be amazing. And we set up a student letting company together and we're working really hard. And we said, right, let's go travelling. Let's do all the things that we probably couldn't do when we have kids. and then I came off my contraception and I didn't have like a period for ages so I phoned the doctor I thought I'll go and see because we weren't trying or anything but we knew after like three years of marriage we might want to try and I was a bit concerned about it so I got an appointment at 7.30 in the morning with a locum doctor really random I didn't even know the surgery opened at that time and this guy who I've never seen before or since he said I've got a strong suspicion that you may have polycystic ovaries.

17:21Gi: So I'm going to send you off for tests and just see. But he was very much of the opinion of when they ask you if you've been trying, say yes, because you can get accelerated. Otherwise, you have to wait 18 months. And he said, my daughter's got the same thing and she's really struggled to get pregnant. So we went and had all, well, I say we. I mean, my poor husband, he had to have a Tommy Tank at Leicester Royal Hospital a week later. I mean, I don't know if you've been to Leicester Royal Hospital. I haven't. But going into the communal toilets with the men is where he had to go. Not even a little room somewhere.

17:57Gi: He was like, Hannah, there was like silver little creatures on the floor running around. And he was like, I've got to take a pot and I've got to have a wank and put it in a pot. There's a man having a shit.

18:08Hannah East: I don't think I've ever had anyone on call it a Tommy tank before. And I really appreciate that. I just had to, I couldn't let the moment pass without kind of a little bit of a moment for the Tommy Tank. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

18:19Gi: You appreciate that, did you? Yeah, you did, I did. Well, he didn't because it was like, he'd messaged me and said, Hannah, I can't do that in here. There's a man having a shit next to me. So I was like, you know, I'm going to give him some material. So I went to the toilet, took a picture of my nipple. I mean, I don't know what I thought that was going to do. sent it to him and he was like what's that and I was like you know what with moments gone just you do you um but we anyway we got results back and everything was fine with him right um but they told me they were like oh you might not be able to have children um and then they established I had polycystic ovaries endometriosis and they were like it's going to be quite a challenge to get pregnant right so you will need some fertility help uh so then uh we were kind of like well we need to make that decision about when we want to try for a family and I don't know about you but it was like that oh when should we when shouldn't we but the second you decide that you want to have a baby it's like right well I want it now like does it not just happen how come you know even with a pregnancy test where it's like oh you have to wait and it's like yeah but I think I might like two weeks ago I think you know I was upside down cycling after we'd done Rudy Doodies and it's like I think I might be pregnant you know I feel different and it's like well no okay you're not pregnant so we I had to have some medication to prevera to have a period and then clomid to release yeah eggs and uh well we were so like we got pregnant the first time and it's amazing and I was like oh my goodness and then we got to the 12-week mark you know you don't tell anyone and then we told everyone and then I had a miscarriage and I remember I was presenting a show actually on Eurocycling program the next day after I'd had the the operation and uh I remember my I got to work the next day bearing in mind you know it's very intrusive and you know you're heavily bleeding and everything and uh it was like okay well this is what people do we just we we crack on and do

20:16Hannah East: you think that's because you it's a very weird thing isn't it i i think a miscarriage kind of i think now we know and again that was that would have been 10 years ago so now we kind of would go well i'm okay to take some time yeah whereas i think especially when you're going through it You're just like, no, I need to keep doing or that's what's expected of me.

20:37Gi: Yeah. Yeah. And you kind of process it slightly differently when it's your first miscarriage as well. Because I thought, well, I've been told I might not be able to have kids. And actually, I really realised at that point that I really do want to be a mum. This whole like, oh, four boys. But the thought of having my own baby would be amazing. Part of me and part of my husband. Like that's the exciting thing where it's like, what would it look like? And so I really struggled with that because it was like, well, don't tell anyone that we could be told immediate friends and family and that we don't talk about it.

21:09Gi: Just leave it now. Like, you know, I haven't got pregnant. And then I was very lucky that we got pregnant with Bradley a few months later with the help of the medication.

21:17Hannah East: Did you feel like you were able to process the miscarriage?

21:21Gi: No, I remember actually, I remember standing in my bathroom and it was really silly because I'd presented this TV programme the day after. And I went home and I remember I sobbed and sobbed into my pillow. And then I did a pregnancy test, even though I knew that I wasn't pregnant anymore and it was positive. Apparently it can stay positive for a couple of weeks.

21:43Hannah East: The hormones are still there.

21:44Gi: I remember like leaning against the wall in my bathroom and I just it was the you know the elation when you see that positive test where it's like oh my god like ring parents and and then it was that devastation of like almost like grieving the life that you thought you were going to have I'd pictured in my head that actually that I may never ever have that and maybe this is just going to be me now having miscarriage after miscarriage or maybe I should not try maybe somebody's telling me that I shouldn't be a mum or you know you're question and you can't rationalise things because your hormones are still as high as when you were pregnant the day before and had a baby inside you, whether it's, you know, alive or not.

22:23Hannah East: When you had that initial positive test, after having, you know, being told that you might not be able to have kids, you don't know how long it's going to take, and then suddenly getting pregnant that first time, what was your feeling then?

22:36Gi: It was, I don't believe, I can't believe this is actually happening to me. It's that, that's the only way I can describe it. And I think that's probably the only time I felt like that in my entire life that elation of like I've done it like I've done something for us and like this is this is going to change my life now and the excitement of it um and to tell him my husband and he was so excited like oh my god when we're on this chapter together and and it was really really amazing but equally that's why the high was so high that I felt the low became really low um after that and I really struggled I didn't want to talk about it with people and I thought the best thing to do is just crack on with work and like you know push I was doing stuff on Sky Sports on ITV and it was like okay cool I'll I'll I'll crack on with work and and just continue as normal but actually I wish looking back that myself now could look and say yeah like you'll be all right yeah you will be okay um because nobody can tell you that because you won't want to listen to it in that moment because it's just grief is just all consuming as well, isn't it?

23:40Gi: Yeah, very, very. It was definitely a tough time. Yeah.

23:44Hannah East: I guess it's the thing, those people that you do tell, once you say to them, I'm okay, it's very rare that people will keep checking in after a miscatch, you know what I mean? Especially 10 years ago. But that conversation wasn't there. People weren't talking about it as much as they are now. And even now, I'm sure there's lots of people going through it who might not be finding themselves in pockets of conversation online that is being talked about.

24:08Gi: Yeah. it's I'm very passionate about it and I talk about miscarriage within my show my stand-up comedy show because I've got a group a large number of women in a room and it's so so important to me that people know that they're not alone yeah like this experience that you're going through this whole motherhood journey it's not balloon arches on Instagram and it's not the perfect mum leaving the house it's like it's all of us doing the best we can and it's like your best is the best you can give that day therefore that's okay for your kids because your your best interest is for your children isn't it and and all of a sudden it's hard when you lose that identity of like oh Hannah from you know presenting a tv program to actually I'm a mum now and to me that's the most important job but it's okay to say it's hard yeah it's okay to say you're not fucking all they're doing my head in like we've been joking about this you know it's like oh my my seven-year-old was like naked on the trampoline this morning and then the other one's having a tantrum my daughter's carrying a plastic shotgun and a Barbie doll and I'm like, oh my God, is there something wrong with her?

25:07Gi: And it's like, you know, you're just desperately trying to get ready. It's chaos. But that chaos is the perfect chaos. Yeah. I absolutely love it.

25:15Hannah East: Yeah, absolutely.

25:15Gi: Every second of it. Well, yeah, that's probably every second. No, I just lied to you there. Take it back instantly. Bedtime. Go on, off your fuck.

25:25Hannah East: But it is about learning to lean into that chaos, I think. Yeah. Because I think when, I think it's such a, it can be such a rude awakening of what motherhood is, especially when you've suddenly got multiple children and their interaction. You can't control that chaos. That is, you know, you've just got to kind of let it, you've got to learn how to live alongside the chaos, not to try and control it, because otherwise it's just mayhem.

25:48Gi: And I do think with three, it was like after we'd had the two boys and we had lockdown, that was like the perfect opportunity to get to know our kids. And it was summer and obviously it was horrendous what was going on with with covid and people losing family members but i remember thinking i don't want this bubble to finish i don't want it to leave like we had so much fun with the kids and me and andy we we had a great time you know had date nights all the time we got like our wireless headphones and we used to have parties around in our house just the two of us and and then it was like oh should we try for a third should we is this chaos and you had that bit of a warped sense of reality in lockdown um so we were like right we made that decision we're like right let's try for a third um and we did and we were very fortunate we got pregnant and then that was the 13 14 week mark that that was the first day that Andy could come into the hospital for the scan uh and it was just that oh I'm really sorry but the pregnancy hasn't progressed and it was like but it looked like a baby yeah it was I could see its head and um I could I was thinking no no that that like you know and I had my mask on and stuff and I remember sitting up being like oh sorry um you know and you're like oh no no that's that that looks okay to me that's okay yeah and that was like that hit me probably that that was probably the biggest changing point um in my life because oh I don't know why I feel emotional it's okay yeah um oh sorry yeah that was just it was a tough one um oh god I never cry no sorry what do you think what do you think about

27:23Hannah East: that loss hit you what was it about that loss in particular that hit you so hard

27:29Gi: I think because I felt so guilty because I had two amazing kids so you try for a third and then you think well I can't be upset because I know some people that don't have children and that that could have been me I thought that was going to be me to not have children so I remember thinking well don't don't tell people even though we had told people at that point it's like don't don't make yourself seem really upset by it to other people because they'll just look at you and go you've already got two healthy kids like why why are you upset about an extra one you know that that was how I processed it um and I remember that's really hard on yourself yeah and I don't know why that was the narrative I had in my head because it was you know some like some family members are like oh but why do you want to try for a third because you have got you know most of my family have two kids and they were like why is it and then people say oh are you trying for a girl and it's like no I've always seen myself with boys I don't you know um and it was a I'd say that was such a tough time but such a a change in my outlook on things because I remember going down to have the surgery and they say oh what's your name and I was like Hannah East and it's like what are you here for and I remember and you have to say it's like I'm here to have my dead baby removed um like what else can you say and you I found out on the Monday and I couldn't have the surgery till the Friday and I couldn't cope with that week I couldn't cope with walking around knowing again that this thing inside me I've I've failed it and that's how I saw it it was my fault you know did I not take enough vitamins my women's well-being I was on that you know and I had the The year before I'd followed a vegan diet and the health visitor had said, oh, you shouldn't be vegan if you're pregnant because you can't get enough protein.

29:12Gi: I was like, oh, my God, have I not got enough protein in? I've been eating chicken. You know, you go through stupid things in your head. And then after that, I phoned actually the miscarriage association one morning. The kids were at nursery and school and I just sat there like uncontrollably sobbing. And I was like, it must be my hormones. and I thought I just want to talk to somebody that like my family members and friends I feel like they don't get where I am because if they've got one kid or like you say after when someone has a miscarriage it's like you check in and then it's like well what do you say like three or four weeks later are they okay are they just getting on with it like as women that's what we're supposed to do and I spoke to this lady and she didn't really say anything but she just listened and like let me cry and let me talk and I remember thinking oh god one day I hope that could be me at the end of the phone I'd love to do that in the future but then I just had this like well what's the worst that can happen like really I felt for me that was kind of one of the lowest points I've ever had so what could be worse than that because it's not a circumstantial thing with like a friend or a family member this is something that I've punished myself for mentally and physically in my head that I'd failed and done something wrong so I think that was like a big turning point with a lot of my I'd been doing stand-up comedy prior to that yeah um but it was like okay well for me if you don't laugh you'll cry and it's like okay well let's let's just try and turn this around because only I can get myself out of this this rut that I'd got myself in um so then I'd kind of uh just started doing a bit more comedy writing a bit more about family and parenting and and one of my really good friends was struggling um postnatally yeah and uh and I used to send her videos of me doing stupid stuff at home to cheer her up a little bit and then that's when she was like oh you should post that online and stuff and then it kind of that was the evolvement of me doing a bit more like getting the direction of right comedy parenting that's my route that's

31:11Hannah East: where I'm going to take it down there it's really not been that long that you've been doing it no

31:15Gi: so I used to go on the radio up north when I was about nine or ten doing impersonations okay of like celebrity soap stars and stuff like that and uh I've done a few sketches with like Alistair McGowan and things and uh and so the the comedy has always been there but yeah family focused kind of yeah and it was kind of merging the two together so like the sports presenting was amazing um but it's very much like you know if you're on a tv program talking to a Manchester United footballer it's not going to be like hey what happened this morning tell me a funny story it's like you know how was you how do you feel that performance was on the pitch and everything's very serious but off camera oh I like that man with you though did you feel like a footballer it's like you know trying to merge the two where it's that presenter but actually the ability to speak to people um but merging it with the comedy element for me is just it's just been and I feel that that second miscarriage that I had did something in my head to make me go like fuck it stop just because you're a mum doesn't mean you're written off like just because circumstances have happened doesn't mean you can't do something you want to do um it was like a light bulb moment

32:27Hannah East: yeah in a weird way yeah it's interesting how those moments kind of shift and move us in or kind of guide us in certain areas but I love the fact that you said about the woman on the phone how she didn't say anything that she listened because I think so often people might not get in touch or might not or might just kind of go oh she needs space but actually or I don't know what to say you don't have to know what to say yeah you just have to be there just pick up the phone or just go around with a bottle of Savvy B and just sit down because you're never going to be able to take that pain that pain away from that person you're never going to make them feel

32:59Gi: better about that loss yeah and it's a hard thing to um get your head around that actually it's only you that can get yourself out of it yeah you can have that that support and that help but it's just so many women go through it and the sad thing is at this day and age we just get on with it and when I talk about it in my show I will guarantee that there's at least seven or eight women I can say and I can only see the first five six rows of my show in a theatre but I can see women doing dabbing their eyes because it resonates so much and I feel like it would be it's just such a shame that we don't have that opportunity to to talk more but it's because of like society where it's like get on with it you've already got kids do the school run or you just crack on that the first 12 weeks don't tell anyone yeah and it's like but why are we not telling anyone because if something happens in the first 12 weeks that's when you need that support um you know eight nine ten weeks and it's like you're swollen you've missed a couple of periods you're probably vomiting all the time and just eating carbs and it's like really moody cry over everything that's the time when you want somebody to go right, are you alright?

34:11Gi: Do you need to go home for a couple of hours? That support in the workplace and stuff but that's the bit that we don't tell anybody.

34:18Hannah East: I imagine there's not many people who use or talk about miscarriage and baby loss in their stand-up.

34:24Gi: No, and it was definitely a thing I was advised not to do. Really? By a lot of people, yeah. And the way that I've got my show together because my show's called Express Yourself and it's about the latter stages of pregnancy giving birth and then it's about the postpartum going home when the health visitor comes when you are so fucking unhinged i was always sure they were going to take my babies away yeah same same where's the red book yeah what's that now yeah why have we not got an app for that i don't know what's your baby's name um what is it i just have a look on my facebook i wrote it on there He's like, I've got a fucking clue, aren't you?

35:03Gi: So I do like, I put content on the screen during my show and stuff. And then I talk about part of miscarriage. And lots of people are like, I don't think that that is placed. I don't think you should do that in a comedy show. And it's like, well, if I can turn that to make it seem a bit funny, not laughing at the situation, but laughing at how we approach the situation, then you can make anything funny. We can make motherhood funny.

35:29Hannah East: And also it just opens up that conversation for so many people to not feel like they have to suppress it and that they're walking around under their own cloud. Actually, it's a cloud that all of us share and all of us are under at some point. And I think it's so important that we realise that it's not just us and that actually it's something that we shouldn't have to hide.

35:52Gi: yeah and all of a sudden if you say to a group of friends like oh yeah I had a miscarriage and it's like oh you've had one as well you've had like you've all had one or half of you have had one it's like oh and then you start talking it's like oh it's awful wasn't it and then you just think how come we've gone that alone uh and not talked about it with each other but it's it's just raw in that moment I just I wish that or I hope that anyone that comes to my show and I just make that point about if you've got a friend not only with a miscarriage but postpartum that's struggling and you think that everything's fine everything's fine it probably isn't yeah so like just go around to that person's house and just be there you don't have to say anything just be there so they know that they've got support because that's when you are at your most vulnerable it's like I put three stone on with each of my pregnancies I look like a jacket potato I didn't feel like myself I couldn't remember anything like my hair was falling out you know when you look in the mirror and you're like wow wow you know it's like is that me is this it now is this me and again it's that me looking back even with Annabelle she's only two yeah um looking back at that version of me thinking you're all you'll be all right just honestly you're okay but you just

37:06Hannah East: need that somebody don't you I love that I love the sound of this show how's it been going down

37:11Gi: Well, okay. So I started, I've done eight work in progress shows.

37:16Hannah East: And that first one, when you hit that point where you know you're going to talk about loss and, you know, afterwards, were you able to afterwards kind of go, I was fucking right? Do you know what I mean? Were you able to kind of go, even during that part of the show and seeing how it was landed with the audience?

37:33Gi: Yeah, I think because in some of the work in progress shows, I changed the bits around how I said it. and the first two or three it didn't feel right right um and I thought I'm not I'm not portraying it the way that I want to it's like what is the message I want to give and the message is if you've got that friend like we've just said go around talk more just be there for each other um you know the world is hard enough without you putting pressure on yourself so that's the key message in it so then I think my last work in progress show that I did uh in Cambridge I did it and I was like that felt right and then my first show was at the stand in Newcastle and a lot of my friends came to watch and family and before I said it I just had to take a second because it's you know like I did earlier it's like I never cry but when it comes to talking about something that's so personal and like I don't share personal stuff ever but I'm putting myself on a stage I won't even tell you at that point what I'm wearing on the stage an outfit change and it's like I look horrendous on that last bit when I'm talking about it and it's like that is portraying what we are like as a mum and that is okay but it's sometimes that shock when you have your first baby and you look at yourself and you think fucking hell wow like oh my god

38:48Hannah East: I just didn't understand how right in my pregnancies I felt yes I put on weight but I was like I didn't feel like it yeah yeah and then all of a sudden the baby's out and it it's like Like someone's blown me up. Yeah. Like suddenly I'm really bloated everywhere.

39:03Gi: Like, and you see the picture, you know, a couple of days before you give birth and you're like, who's that then? That's me. I was like covered in pigmentation. And then, yeah, the post baby pictures where you'd be like leaning, picking the baby up and you're like, oh, my God. I remember a guy came to our house after I'd given birth to Bradley. Yeah. And I was back at work presenting a TV, a football TV show at Manchester United six weeks after I gave birth. and then I did the PGA Euro Pro Tour on Sky Sports two days after that and I remember I was so tired and the producer phoned me and said, right, are you on your way to Scotland?

39:40Gi: And I was like, tomorrow? And he was like, no, tonight we're having a briefing at 8 o 'clock and I was like, shit, I've got the days wrong. So I phoned my mother-in-law, I drove up the M1, I was expressing milk like a pressure washer and threw Bradley at a service station to my in-laws, drove up to Scotland and they gave me like this five page script to learn for the next day. I couldn't even remember his name, his name. I didn't know what I was doing. And I was just in such a state.

40:07Hannah East: You're not like, can we not all take you this? This is not.

40:10Gi: Yeah. And it was outdoors on a golf course. I'm not even very good at playing golf. So I remember the questions I interviewed people after were like, how was that for you? You know, this is me as the top tier presenter doing all my research. And then at one point they said, Hannah, I was like, I really need the toilet. And one of the guys was like, OK, take the golf buggy, but don't go over the green because it's all been filmed. It's a PGA Euro pro tour on the TV. And I was so desperate for a wee, I thought my bladder was going to implode. I just drove across the green and this guy was taking his shot.

40:45Gi: That is a big no-no. I got in a lot of trouble. Did you? Yeah, I did. I got in a lot of trouble. Yeah, the guy wasn't very happy and neither was the producer. OK. But that was OK. We all learn our lessons and you didn't work yourself. Well, I did, actually. Oh, no! God damn it! But I remember I went to go to the toilet and this guy said, oh, I'm going to go to the toilet now. And I was like, all right, cool. Just as I got there, one of the other producers, he was like, I'm just going to pop to the loo. I was like, yeah, yeah, I've just come back to go to the loo as well before the next link. And I was that tired.

41:15Gi: I followed him into the men's toilets. And he stood at the urinal. And I remember I walked in and I was like, oh god sorry and I just stood and stared at him for it felt like five seconds and he was like are you okay and I said oh sorry I gave birth recently and he was like how how recent is he still weighing and he was like holding his tackle with his back to me as if like he was really concerned he didn't know what I was going to do and I didn't either but I wasn't going to touch it I tell you Christ you get pregnant off them keep away and I remember saying oh I had a baby six weeks ago he's like 16 weeks ago and he's like oh my god and you're back at work so early and i remember thinking i'm so embarrassed like what what what am i doing i don't know what i'm doing here like where where when do we go back to work but if i didn't have to take that job another hannah reest would have taken it and it's i'd worked hard to get to there

42:18Hannah East: The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports. Right now, the NBA is heating up, March Madness is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about, get real-time scores, breaking news, and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment. Hey, it's Howie Mandel, and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my Howie Do It gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallo267's Million Dollars Gaming in an epic Global Gaming League video game showdown.

43:01Hannah East: Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi-platinum artist Travi McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Nioh. Right now at GlobalGamingLeague.com. That's GlobalGamingLeague.com. Everybody games. Hannah, I'm wondering, because your first miscarriage was at 12 weeks. Yes. When you got to that point, and I'm wondering whether with the fourth pregnancy, it hit you in that particular way. Yeah. Because how did those pregnancies, the pregnancies after that feel? And was there a feeling of relief once you got past the point that you'd got before?

43:40Gi: No. So I was always petrified. Yeah. I always worried. And I always had that in the back of my head that the guy's face when he said, you might not be able to have children.

43:49Hannah East: Yeah.

43:50Gi: And I keep thinking that it'd be too good to be true that I would actually do it. And that's probably like a self-doubt that I've always had in my own head. But it was throughout my pregnancies, I would have a scan every two to three weeks. Every night I had a Doppler and listened to the heart. Did you? Every night. Yeah, I listened to the heartbeat with a Doppler. And then when I was pregnant with my second, a lady drove into the back of my car and Logan didn't move for a little bit. And I remember thinking, it's OK, I've got a Doppler in my bag. and there and then when she just plowed into the back and taken the back of my car off, I was sat there because my airbag and everything came out and I was listening to his heartbeat and I felt like it slowed down.

44:32Gi: So I literally just got out, I just went straight to the hospital because I was so scared that there'd be something wrong. And yeah, I was always very fearful and we talk now like, you know, about if we were to ever have a fourth and I kind of get annoyed when people say, oh, we're going to start a family. we're going to have a baby and it's like you have to remember if you're lucky enough to have a baby because I know what it feels like that first time around for it to be taken away and the thing is now people suffer so so much worse there's always somebody that suffered worse yeah and that's why I feel quite selfish to say that I found those experiences hard for me because it was like somebody taking something that I have no control over um but after I'd had the second miscarriage I went to see a specialist and she told me that I had really, really bad endometriosis to the point where my bowels were attached to my ovaries.

45:29Gi: It was that bad. So I've had the surgery twice. I had the same surgery in December last year again because it's been so painful. And she literally scalped me out, cleared me out. And then she says, right, if you want to try for a baby, now is the time to do it. So I did that thing. Andy, go to the bedroom. we're going to do Rudy Doodies. And he was there. Yeah, he was there, naked. No messing. So it was like, right, if we're going to try, and then we were very, very lucky to get pregnant with Annabelle, our third. And then, yeah, since then, I've had a lot of problems again with my ovaries. And it's like the way that the surgeon described my endometriosis was like she said if you imagine like loads of cobwebs that stick to everything and pull everything in that's what's happened to your whole lady areas down there so I had to have the surgery again in December and again that was so many women have endometriosis and gynecology problems that people never talk about yeah and it's bizarre that we don't it's crazy but some people think that having the heaviest period you wake up and you've got blood gushing down your leg just because you stood up and you go oh just come on my period it's like that must be normal to everybody else when actually it's really not yeah what what is normal and it's like there's I just feel there's not enough out there to help women to understand their body mechanisms and whether that is normal or actually they do need to have a bit of help yeah with let's see a

47:05Hannah East: gynecologist it's crazy isn't it especially since it's something that happens inside us so no one else can really know how like what we're feeling yeah so it's down to you to be have to articulate

47:16Gi: what that is yeah it's like what is a heavy period like are you changing a super plus tampon and a pad every hour every two hours or every three four hours or a light flow or you know what what does that mean for the average what is the average and then actually there'll be I remember I used to faint when I was at university my period pain was so bad that I'd have a couple of days where I would just lay in bed and I go to stand up and my blood pressure was all over the place and I would faint I remember being in shops where I fainted because my period pain's been that bad and I felt like my internal's just gonna like zipline out of me you know into a shop it's like oh my god it's so

47:51Hannah East: painful did that did it stop being so painful when you started to like when when you were on contraception or was it always painful no matter what always painful yeah it was just more controlled

48:00Gi: as to when yeah with contraception but it didn't affect the uh the pain of it yeah so as soon as I had my surgery in December I put something on my Instagram about it that I think I was quite off my face on medication so I wouldn't normally put something that personal on there and I was injecting my stomach I had a wee bag and I remember I turned 40 in September and I left the hospital in December with a piss bag and I was like okay like life's took a turn and they were like right if you can't wee it was just before Christmas I had it on the 20th of December if you can't wee tomorrow then you so they said you're gonna have to leave with a urine bag so i was like oh god not around christmas with the kids and everything so um i remember sitting there to go home for a couple of days with this bag and during the night annabelle was screaming like mommy mommy so my husband went to get up and he tripped over my piss bag at the side of the bed i thought oh my god he's gonna pull the thing out of me so i got the tube and pulled it and then this like urine was like I mean, I've told you we're in a rental.

49:02Gi: It's not great. It's going to stink. You're not getting your deposit back, that's for sure. I feel like the deposit went a while ago. And I remember I was like, Adley, stop. Like, there's this wee going everywhere. And then when I went back into hospital, they were like, right, you need to do a wee today. And obviously, because I had so much endometriosis everywhere, it was like my, all my tubes are so swollen from where they'd been cutting everything out. And I remember sitting on the toilet and I called my dad. I was listening to whale music. I had my hands in water. And the nurse was sat in front of me and she was going, What was your dad going to do to help you eat?

49:38Psst.

49:40Gi: Everyone was going, Psst, Hannah, psst. So I was like, it's coming, it's coming. As if I was giving birth. I'm 40 years old. Dad, I'm struggling here. You can do it, Hannah. You can do it. Always empowering the women. so then I actually managed to do a wee and then they took this bag out and then I could go home but I was like again that is something I didn't know that might that might happen um it's just having like a bit of a heads up so I put something on my Instagram and uh I got like hundreds of comments if not thousands of comments from people that are like I've had this before I've had this before and it's like I've never said this before but it's like again that's another thing that is kind of suppressed to talk about.

50:26Gi: I don't know why. It's weird, isn't it?

50:28Hannah East: It is. How were your births?

50:31Gi: Amazing.

50:31Hannah East: But they were very different to each other?

50:32Gi: Very different. Yeah, very different. Bradley was, I thought my waters had broken because a little bit of woo-wee came out. Oh my God, it's happening, babe. Phone the hospital. Oh, we'll induce you. I think I just pissed myself a bit. I don't think, yeah, I don't think it was water because that was horrific. Like it had been induced for me, just my body. It was pregnancies. It's not going to get rid of them. I need surgery to take things out. Like my body's not getting rid of it. So Bradley was a bit traumatic. And I remember I wasn't having contractions. I needed to get him out. And you know when they go, we're going to do an episiotomy.

51:06Gi: And you're like, you're going to do a what, what? What's that? Jackie didn't talk about that in my NCT. Didn't she? No, she didn't. So she just said it was going to be a lovely experience. In that moment though, were you just like anything to get him out? Yeah. Because it was a shock. and none of my friends or many of my friends had had kids at that point so it's like well you go in you push the baby out and then you go home yeah and then all my kids come out like david dickinson like bright orange so they all have to go under the lights yeah they're all like all have jaundice yeah uh annabelle was in um the intensive care unit hers was that bad really yeah they're like you know when you look and i remember my mum she's scottish and she was like oh hannah bradley it looks like he's had a really, really nice suntan.

51:51Gi: And I was like, it's jaundice, Christine. It's a medical condition. He needs intervention. So all my kids have that within the first 12, 24 hours. So Bradley was a bit of a horrific experience, more of the shock and my inexperience. And then Logan, my second, was just the most amazing experience I've ever had. Really? Yeah, I was fully dilated when I got to the hospital.

52:15Hannah East: Wow, you're lucky you got there.

52:16Gi: Yeah, I know. And my husband's like, Hannah, I remember, I'll drop you off at the front door and I'll come in. But do you know when you're like, I am really hurting here. This is hurting, Andy. And he's like at home, have I got time to have a shower and a coffee? I was like, I've been contracting all night, dickhead. No, you haven't. I've woken you up. I've let you sleep. Yeah. I've woken you up at this point now because it's really hurting. And then there's some doctors trying to go up this lift. And do you know when you're like leaning against the wall, like that's when you start like, you know, It's like going on safari when everyone's on crack.

52:50Gi: And that kind of noise. And Andy was like, there's a doctor that's just leaving the door open for us, Hannah. Come on, get the lift. And I remember I thought, this relationship's over, Andy. You're pissing me off already. And we haven't even got in the labour suite.

53:03Hannah East: It's a crazy thing, isn't it? When those contractions happen, literally you need to take a minute. You cannot walk.

53:09Gi: No. There's no way. Oh, God. And it's remembering when you've had your first baby and you're like, oh that was really painful it was awful and after you're like oh god and then you have your second and you think oh shit what have I done this for I remember that pain again as you're doing it yeah can I have a paracetamol and I remember having Logan we got in the pool and everything and that I didn't have him in the pool yeah he'd done a shit so then we had to get out but that was like I felt like oh another boy yeah amazing this is did he come out quickly yeah I was an hour and a half in the hospital um he was he shot out like a bullet and Annabelle my third was just oh you know when people say well you third it's either going to be really quick and easy or it's going to take fucking ages she took her time did she yeah and then when her head came out I didn't tell anyone because I just I was asking for an epidural excited yeah I'm just going to take five um but I remember a head came out and I'd been saying could I have one of them epidurals I was booking an uber to go home and then a head came out because i didn't want to do it anymore i'd had enough and this specialist kept coming in and oh god he was doing he was like how are you feeling and i was like how do you think i'm feeling i've got a baby that's about to hang out my minge like it's really hurting and he kept saying oh we might have to induce you in a bit it's taking a long time i was like i know it is like i was really contracting all the time but she wasn't coming out um and oh god yeah and her head popped out i just thought oh fucking hell can have an epidural.

54:41Gi: And this nurse was like, I think the baby's head's coming out soon. I was like, oh no, it's out. Like, it's out. But you get so, in that moment, it must be so...

54:51Hannah East: I'm sitting there with her head out. I'm not going to tell anyone this is happening if they're not noticing it's on them. Yeah.

54:59Gi: And the next thing, like the rest of her body, they were like pressing all the buzzers, like, oh my God, because the midwife had gone to have a break or whatever. Oh no. And the student that we had, you know, the first placement student, they stand there don't they and go and you think oh my god I don't want to put you off for life but I know this isn't looking as you're dropping your guts while you you start reassuring her no it's alright yeah honestly I think I've just shit you mean to scoop it up now quickly you feel so like don't you feel rude though when you say in labour like oh excuse me would it be possible if somebody could just scoop that massive shit that I've just done up place

55:33Hannah East: have I had to ask I think it's just magically disappeared I remember happened.

55:40Gi: I think you did a little poo-poo. Fucking shit the week out. Jesus Christ. It was a colonic I didn't ask for. God. And then I remember I looked at the midwife and I thought, smelly bitch. It's me. It's disgusting. Either have sex or a curry the night before. I chose of curry every time evidently it is the worst isn't it yeah and also because those are those

56:10Hannah East: things that they say to kind of get your like get everything moving it's basically to irritate your tummy yeah all it's doing it's irritating your stomach so everything gets moving so all of those things where you've dowed loads of pineapple juice or whatever yeah it is all going to just make you get the shits yeah oh shits and giggles shits and giggles there's no giggles there that was

56:30Gi: Oh, wow. God. Wow. But how lucky we are. I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I didn't think I'd have a prolapse. I don't know if I could cope with four.

56:39Hannah East: Four's a lot of kids. Three's a lot of kids.

56:41Gi: Yeah, it is. Three's a game changer. Yeah. Wouldn't change it, but it is a game changer. Yeah. The chaos that we talk about.

56:49Hannah East: Yeah.

56:50Gi: Yeah. That's so lovely.

56:52Hannah East: Absolutely. How did it feel when you had Logan in your arms?

56:56Gi: Amazing. yeah because I knew that feeling with Bradley but I'd spent so much time that apprehension after having just Bradley to then thinking oh my god well I love another child as much as I love that one because I really love that one and then what if what if there's a problem like you had my Doppler I actually took my Doppler in my hospital bag to the hospital yeah even though they put the monitors on you it's like I'll just check um I know my apparatus yeah always walking around with a tub of lube in my bag but you had that at school didn't you when you're pulling your skirts up what's in your bag but then it's like I walked in with Logan thinking I know he's going to come out I know this is going to be the most amazing experience did you feel a little bit more prepared having had Bradley I did yeah yeah I did I thought right I've just take thicker pads you know yeah you know take take more than you think you're going to need um don't take white fluffy slippers don't take a white dressing gown no take wellington boots and a wax jacket that's what you need for labor isn't it but i was so so scared about when bradley met logan really because i was thinking what if bradley feels left out and it's so silly that i worried about that because um they're like best friends there's like 20 odd months between them and they just they're like really tight for now i mean they probably hate each other when they're older but it's easy now because they like the same things.

58:19Gi: So that's great. And I wasn't worried when the boys met Annabelle because I knew that it was different. There's two of them coming together. But they were like, can you put her back in because we want a brother? And I was like, absolutely not. It's severed down there. Nothing's going in there ever again. Tell my husband that. They just wanted her to wear a blue baby grow. Oh, really? All the time to pretend she was a boy. it's very cute I know it's very cute does what is their relationship like with her now amazing yeah very my as soon as Annabelle was born my brother sent me a picture of Peggy Mitchell from EastEnders because I've got Phil and Grant and Sam and Sam and every birthday and Christmas card he gets me is just a picture of Peggy Mitchell because he's like you are her now that You've got these three kids.

59:15Gi: But he doesn't have kids and it blows his mind, like at Christmas and birthdays and stuff, because he's like, oh, God, that would be my worst nightmare.

59:25Hannah East: Your life is like chaos.

59:29Gi: But to him, it's like he doesn't have that.

59:33Hannah East: Does his eye twitch slightly when he's there and there's loads of chaos? Because I realise that I can zone stuff out completely and be having that chat and not aware at all that the chaos is around us. However, the person I'm talking to is not in the same boat.

59:46Gi: Yeah, like I'll be talking to my brother about somebody that we went to school with that's just had a hysterectomy or something. And he'll be like, oh, yeah, did you hear that? And I'll be like, yeah. Bradley, have you wiped your bum hole after you've done a poo? Well done. He'll say, oh, I think Annabelle's doing a poo. She's got a Sharpie. So what happened then with that girl at school? Being able to keep the thread alive is really quite the skill. Like, get out of the fridge. You're not having snacks. Your dinner's in half an hour. Sorry, what did she say? But that's just like really normal to me.

1:00:12Gi: Yeah. But to him, even to my parents, sometimes they're like, oh, my God, because it's nobody else had three. Yeah. And having that third kid is a bit like, oh, God, OK, right. You can't almost just like one on one mark. It's zonal marking with three, isn't it? Yeah. So I just dress my kids in like high vis clothes when we go on holiday. Oh, that's really important.

1:00:33Hannah East: And I think that's really a minor fluorescent.

1:00:35Gi: Yeah. Yeah. I remember once we were at Heathrow and I was looking around and my middle child loves to lick handrails or he used to when he was younger, right? And he licked the handrail in the lift to go to Terminal 5. And I looked at him and he was going like, oh, with it. And I was like, why would you do that? We were so ill three days later. No! Because he licked someone. And then his older brother was trying to climb someone. He was going through the Ninja Warrior phase. And he was climbing something and I could spot him because he had a high-vis jumper on. And I was like, this is a way forward now.

1:01:14Gi: It's like literally a parenting hat. He gets out in public, get an air tag on him, put him in high-vis. He'll give you a bit of reassurance. Christ.

1:01:23Hannah East: Oh, my God. I wonder if for your mum and dad, because you and your brother had swimming and that was such a clear routine of we're up and out, like there's no chaos, that's it. before you've even had a chance to kind of, you know, do any craziness in the morning, you're out the door. And I wonder whether they're just not used to this level of chaos because you had the swimming.

1:01:44Gi: Yeah, I think so. And times were so different then, weren't they? It's like kids going to school now, they have clubs before school. They have clubs at lunchtime and then after school. We're in that routine now where our kids do a club after school, come home, have their dinner, and then they have another club.

1:02:00Hannah East: Oh, wow. Yeah.

1:02:01Gi: My kids are like, they've got loads of opportunities at the school they go to. And, you know, Bradley's into his golf and they want to do like dance and drama and stuff. And it's like, I don't want to suppress. I don't want to say, no, you can't do it. But we didn't have those opportunities. There wasn't like, I mean, there was a stagecoach when I was younger, but it was so expensive. There's no way I was ever going to be able to go to that. So it was like, right, you go swimming or you go to athletics club. whereas I remember going into church halls when I was a little kid or the same church or the community hall and one of the mums would take the tea and coffee and someone else would make some cookies and there might just be some shit toys, wooden toys but we'd just play and that was our creativity, that was our playtime whereas our kids now, they are so overstimulated.

1:02:46Gi: It concerns me how overstimulated they are and I'm telling you, we go to this group, to that group but all their friends do it, so they do it. So sometimes at night time, I'm like, our kids must be exhausted. And my eldest, who's nine, just isn't.

1:03:00Hannah East: I went through a year of the school year where I said I just decided to do no clubs for a year just so they could get back and have a little bit of time. I mean, now two of them are at school till like 20 past five because it's the senior school and the primary school. They have to link up. Like I can't do two pickups. So they are at a point now where he's in after school club and is doing another thing. you know uh but i went through a phase where i was like i want to take all of that pressure away so that also they can come back and play do you know i mean like that free play because i love it when they're doing those activities that they really love and there's a bit of drive within that but i think there was just a point where they weren't that fussed so i was like well if

1:03:43Gi: you aren't that fussed yeah let's get you home and how did you notice the difference in their behaviour or creativity?

1:03:49Hannah East: Or like outside, like they would come up with different things together, like going out on activities and adventures and stuff together. I mean, sometimes it is chaos. But at the moment, like I say, the club's all the way.

1:04:03Gi: Somebody else take them. But it's nice when you see your kids make a game up together and go outside because I always reflect and think that's all I ever used to do. I used to be outside and never... We say this thing about screen time all the time. Like I never used to be on a screen. But actually I'd come in from school, I'd watch CITV, then I'd watch Home and Away Neighbours, Have Dinner, Emmerdale, Coronation Street, EastEnders. So true. What are you saying? A bit of Hollyoaks in between when my mum didn't know I was watching it because sometimes had some naughty scenes in there, didn't they?

1:04:34Gi: And it's like, actually I probably had more TV time than they did. It's so true.

1:04:39Hannah East: And so we used to tape things off the TV so we'd have films that we could watch over and over and over again. Like we'd put on Grease, we'd put on Ninja Turtles, you know, Dirty Dancing. We'd watch the same things continuously. You're so right, I've never thought of that. Yeah.

1:04:52Gi: So I've been saying to my husband, like, oh, you know, I don't want them on their iPads. So they only get 20 minutes on a weekend. But if we go on holiday, it's like, fuck it. Watch your... The planes, just be quiet. But actually, if I looked at how much time they are on the screens for, in comparison to how much screen time I had, the difference is everything's instant. they can swipe and it's the content that they're watching um like I find it weird that there's like middle-aged men that play video games and kids love to watch that I find that concept a little bit weird um but the stuff is so instant and scrolling and their concentration levels change where we would have to wait for ad breaks yeah and you know you're looking at always panty pads and you're like mum what's that you know it's the same adverts all the time but we would have that I'll go to the toilet, come back and be patient.

1:05:43Gi: Whereas I feel like my kids don't have that. That's the only difference. I mean, there was like four, five channels when we were younger, wasn't there? Yeah.

1:05:50Hannah East: It's a very different time. Yeah. Very different. But I think there's a lot of things like that that we sort of demonize with one massive, like, sweeping statement of it is bad. But actually there are areas within that that aren't bad. Yeah. That are actually, it's that. It's what are they doing on those screens? Yeah. You know, ours are they started in Minecraft, but they all play. So they're all in the world. They're all building. They're all communicating, talking about what they're building.

1:06:19Gi: Yeah.

1:06:20Hannah East: You're just like, well, how is this? It's not completely negative.

1:06:25Gi: I mean, you're working together and you're being creative. Yeah. It was just like playing a duel with like Sonic and Knuckles on a Sega Mega Drive. Yeah. You know, it's like I remember spending hours playing Snake on my Nokia 6210.

1:06:37Hannah East: And my mum didn't come in and go, you've been on that for three hours. You know, you haven't beat your highest score yet. Get off. Couldn't give a shit. She was watching your stenters, wasn't she? Exactly. If anything, I can remember as a kid, like trying to read my book, which again, I kind of get lost in books and stuff, right? I'd be downstairs because they wanted us all to be together with my book, trying to read my book with the lamp. And then inevitably they tell me to turn the lamp off. So we'd be sat in the dark watching the TV. And I would be like, I'm trying to read. so I'd have to tilt my book so that I could try and read it on TV.

1:07:10All right, Matilda.

1:07:12Hannah East: But it was family time. It was all sat around the TV.

1:07:16Gi: Yeah, eating dinner in front of the TV.

1:07:18Hannah East: Yeah, we had one in the corner.

1:07:20Gi: Yeah, I just feel like sometimes we've got a bit of a warped sense of, like my son had an open classroom the other day and all the kids are sat there on their screens. Yep. Showing us like TTRS. Watch me, mummy, and stuff. And it's like, oh, wow, that's amazing. Like, that's really good that you've done that. And then it's like showing me they're making all these pick collages and stuff on Canva. And I'm like, well, when they go for a job in 10, 15 years time and their employer, potentially employer would say, right, can you do this spreadsheet? Can you do that? Can you do that? And they say, no, actually, I can't because I was never allowed screen time as a child.

1:07:53Gi: I haven't learned the basic skills. It's like I have to accept that things are changing. Yeah. And how they're going to learn and develop is totally different to how, you know, So autocorrect and everything, calculators, they are part and parcel of learning at school, aren't they? Absolutely. Has motherhood been what you thought it would be? Yes, it has. I feel like I'm more ambitious now than I thought I would be. And I feel like opportunities have come my way and I don't want to turn them down. I've been running an online fitness business for the last five, six years. and that for me is like my therapy because I've got like it's not a big business I've got like 100 members and it's parents that you know we train together on a morning and I've always said you know when you're a parent keep some element of identity so if you want to train and do a fitness session set your alarm half an hour earlier something is better than nothing um and I feel like that for me is like my therapy and then becoming a mum it's like that's my priority is you know to be this I train and coach before my kids get up and then I'm present and working like in Loughborough God knows where I am or half the time and then I put them to bed and then I go and do stand-up comedy yeah on an evening so I'll go again to a backroom pub where there's probably six people watching my show that won't my work in progress or you know on a weeknight or whatever that's what I've done in the past and um yeah I just feel like it's given me that motivation to take opportunities because if my kids have presented with opportunities, I'd be like, take it.

1:09:35Gi: You know, you only get one shot. If somebody's going to say, you know, when I was approached to do a tour, it was like me doing a stand-up comedy tour. It's like, well, yeah, I do stand-up, but it's like, that's a big thing for me.

1:09:45Hannah East: To have your name, your name being the thing that pulls in tickets. There's a pressure with that.

1:09:50Gi: Yeah, and then all of a sudden, like the first 10 shows sold out within a couple of days and it was like, mums need a night out. Yeah. And the four shows that I've done are part of this tour so far. I've had the best takings at the bar that they've ever had for comedy nights. I'm not joking. Newcastle, Leicester, Leicester and Walsall. The managers have come up to me after and be like, we need you back. We need you to bring that audience back. Apparently, people have come to watch my shows because I always stand and say thank you and bye to everybody that's come. So I go straight to the door. and like you know that as you say when you're doing tours and everything it's like when you chat to that many people you know you're going to get ill and catch COVID probably it's like my son licking handrails at airports like the germs are flying and I always thank people for coming but it's that sort of like over consuming want to kind of deliver to everybody and make everybody feel like they've had a good night but I've been looking at people leave and I'm like I think she's absolutely hammered and people are just going to the bar and being like well why would I queue for two drinks just give me a bottle it's amazing absolutely amazing that's absolutely incredible

1:11:00Hannah East: yeah I love that it's just sort of taken off and that motherhood is actually obviously you were doing stand-up and comedy before but it's taken this other strand now

1:11:08Gi: yeah and a lot of people don't know that I did stand up before yeah so I feel like that as an element of pressure where people think guys she just posted videos online got a little bit of following and then she's going I'm doing a tour where actually there's so much more to it and it's been the hardest thing I've ever done right in the tour right in the show really a 60 minute show yeah because um being sensitive to people and what they've gone through and um I always you know whenever I post anything online I always try and get the worst looking clips of myself I'll get the worst cover picture yeah and look horrendous and and sort of because I find that funny yeah Yeah, yeah.

1:11:46Gi: And it's very much like people kind of look at a glimpse of you online and they think, oh, well, I know what she's like. Or, you know, I'll always get a middle-aged man that'll message me and say, you shouldn't have had kids then. It's like, you shouldn't be on the internet then, hon. You know what I mean? You get them all the time, but people just misinterpret what they see in a snapshot online, don't they?

1:12:05Hannah East: Absolutely. What do your kids think you do?

1:12:07Gi: Oh, God. Well, they know that I do stand-up. Yeah. Because they've known that for years. Sometimes I used to come in from doing gigs and I'd come upstairs and creep and give them a little kiss. And then they'd wake up and be like, mommy. And I think, why, why, why didn't I just look at them on the monitor? Oh, see, I just can't help it. Yeah. And if I've had a shit gig, which I've had lots of where you just think that material that I just delivered was terrible. But that's what new material nights are for, to practice all your shit jokes. But my eldest knows that I do stand up. And then my other two, it's normal that they would come home and I'm in a wig with like lipstick up here and dress.

1:12:46I had to film something the other day for a brand and I had to go to a fast food chain.

1:12:52Hannah East: Yeah.

1:12:52Gi: And stand outside dressed up for World Book Day. So I was outside McDonald's doing this bit of content. My seven year old was stood there. Now I'd put my makeup. So it was horrendous. Yeah. OK. and he was stood there filming me and there was about 15 people in the store looking at my son and I had a full costume on with, you know her from, what do you call the film? This is annoying because I can't remember it now. Like a witch with the big orange hair. Oh, Hocus Pocus. Hocus Pocus. I had that costume on. Amazing. And I'm like, and I had a lipstick up here, eye shadow everywhere. And my little boy, he's seven, just stood there, zoomed in and filmed it while we were walking across.

1:13:34Gi: And to him, that was completely normal. And I thought, never mind me sounding like I'm unhinged. Like, what am I doing to my children? He thinks that this is just a Saturday afternoon. Mummy is paying the mortgage, Logan. This is what we do. But yeah, they're like, oh, can we come and watch you do your stand-up? And I'm like, well, mummy says a couple of naughty words that is not appropriate for you to say. But in the future, I think, God, if they ever looked at my Instagram,

1:14:06Hannah East: but again it's because you're not it's not like this happened to me do you know what I mean the sketches are so well placed and so well done that it's highlighting moments but it's not like you're saying this is all me do you know what I mean it's very different Hannah if you could write a letter on motherhood who would it be to and what would you say oh that's a really good question

1:14:28Gi: thank you I want to well that sounded so patronising I didn't mean it to It's a nice question to ask because I always think I'd write it to all three of my children, which naturally I would. But when you said that, I wanted to say my daughter, not because she's necessarily my favourite child, but because I can see. The boys can fend for themselves. I take them to karate. They'll be fine. But for my daughter, I just think she is, regardless of what changes we can make as women now, she is going to be faced with battles. like I've been faced with losing loads of jobs when I was pregnant I was booked for loads of jobs and cancelled for loads of jobs because I was pregnant and I lost uh regular presenting jobs because they wouldn't be able to accommodate me going back because I would be with my kids or you know it it makes things harder um and I just think as a as a female growing up in this world I just think there's too many pressures on women generally so I would kind of want to say to her to lower her standards but always believe that what she's doing is is the right thing as long as she's doing the best thing in that moment and like yeah just becoming a parent don't when I look at the person I was when I had Bradley yeah to Logan to Annabelle to even now I'm like oh like I'm not going, oh, I've changed and I've found myself.

1:15:55Gi: I haven't. I make mistakes all the time, but I have confidence now that I never had before and I've got that confidence through being a mum and not worrying so much. You know, when you go to the school and they tell you, oh, this happened today and one of your kids has kicked another kid back. In the past, I'd be like, well, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. But I'm thinking now, well, who kicked him in the first place? Why are we having this discussion? I have confidence in my children where I think with the first and second kids, I'd be like, oh my God, everybody else must be right and I must be wrong.

1:16:27Gi: Because I'm like, maybe I'm doing your question and think you're doing everything wrong. Where actually my kids are happy for now. They'll probably all be like murderers and drug addicts when they're older. Like, oh, they're so happy now. But as long as you as a female don't take shit from men in the workplace, I think that's what I just, P.S. Annabelle, get that plastic shotgun. take it with you in your handbag it's a big bad world out there

1:16:54Hannah East: and we end the podcast with you completing three sentences the first one is being a mum means

1:17:00Gi: everything to me since having children I have a more positive outlook on how I respond to situations in life and I'm happy when and with my kids and they're asleep

1:17:15Hannah East: can I say that? yes you can say that you absolutely can thank you so much no thank you

1:17:21Gi: it's been such a delight thank you all you're thinking about is a Tommy Tank now isn't it you're going to say that when you get home tonight who too that's the question on your scale there's a whole host of things we've covered today we really have it's taken quite some turns yeah unexpected

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