Audiobook exclusive: There’s Still No Such Thing As Naughty, Kate Silverton

0:00Hello, it's Fern here. Have you listened to this week's episode with Kate Silverton yet? If you haven't then you must immediately. I honestly can't stop thinking about this chat. Kate. a former journalist and broadcaster but she's now a child therapist. We talked about so much whether it's just general parenting technique, we also talked about screens, neurodivergent children, everything to do with being a parent and also more importantly self-regulation not only for your child but also for us as adults whether you have kids or not. There was a really important part of the chat that was all about regulating our emotions and I have taken so much away from this chat and I can't stop thinking about it and I'm managing to actually implement parts of it into my everyday life which I'm so grateful for.

0:52So many of you have said you're keen to buy her new book. There's still no such thing as naughty after hearing this talk. So we thought we'd whet your appetite even more by giving you an exclusive listen to one of the chapters from the book. So, here you go, gang.

1:30Whether your child is starting out, moving up to senior school or is somewhere in between, plenty of situations will arise in any given day where your child's stress response will be triggered. It might be a teacher shouting or telling them off in class, difficulties with other children as poor Jo experienced or any manner of other issues that can feel incredibly triggering for children at this age. When our children feel understood it results in increased brain activity associated with reward, positive feelings and social connection. all things that will support your relationship and ultimately your child's behaviour.

2:09Separation anxiety. If your child is struggling to separate from you, your first question should be why? What is it that your child's baboon doesn't find safe? Working with them, you might consider the first time your child found a transition tricky, perhaps at nursery school. Remember, the baboon banks negative memories and they get tagged and remembered more quickly than positive ones. Any previous upsets can get triggered and projected when a child starts primary school. Staying curious and compassionate allows us to sit with our children and ask gently. I wonder if there's a part of you that remembers another time when being away from me felt difficult.

3:01Exploring difficult feelings carefully and tenderly is the most surefire way to exorcising them. Remember all the tools you now have at your disposal. You might ask your child to show you how it feels in their body when they have to leave you at the gate and what that feeling might say if it could speak. Separation anxiety is not a sign of weakness. It's simply the sign of a child who has a brain signalling that it doesn't feel safe. Resolving separation anxiety can take time. There are no quick fixes, but ensuring your connection is strong, that you are keeping the lines of communication open, is much more likely to help your child build resilience and confidence slowly rather than seeing them forced to cope with that anxiety alone.

3:52As always, never be afraid to seek help, either at school or support groups or contact a child therapist or counsellor. The more support you and your child have, the more quickly the issue is likely to be resolved. Try to resist any well-intentioned but sadly ill-informed advice you might receive to just drop and go, they'll be fine. We have seen that when a child is afraid, their brain and body are awash with stress hormones. We also know that one of the best ways to lower stress levels is to spend time with an emotionally available adult. If a support teacher is available whom your child trusts and who has the time and understanding and can use calming techniques to ensure your child has a gentle transition, then great.

4:42Otherwise, it's worth working with the school for a period to go in with your child to a place where you can help them to regulate, ultimately giving them the confidence to go in alone. I know there's often an anxiety that if I do it now, he'll want me to do this every day. But given everything you've learned, you know this is not how the brain works. Your child will be fine when they feel fine. and that means being reassured they are safe. Once they feel safe, the anxiety and often the behaviour will typically dissipate. Research has shown that children transitioning from nursery to primary school experience an increase in the stress hormone cortisol and suggest it can take as many as three to six months before cortisol concentration returns to baseline levels.

5:36It's why I would like to see bonding benches outside every nursery, reception and year one entrances where parents can sit with their children for a short period before school away from pressure or prying eyes in the queue. Somewhere that parents and children can co-regulate using any of the somatic exercises I shared in chapters 3, 4 and 5. Not every child will need it but it can be enormously helpful for a child who is experiencing some anxiety to have a safe place where they can sing a song or do some star jumps with their parents, finding creative and playful ways to release the energy of their fizzy lizard or bounding baboon.

6:18Yes, it can take an initial extra investment of our time, but better to invest it now to help our children return to calm rather than having a child for whom separations are always associated with a sense of anxiety and leaving them sitting with their adrenaline and cortisol coursing for the rest of the day. This is important to note for children who struggle with regulating big emotions or children who have experienced trauma. One teacher shared with me that a young girl who created chaos at the school gate when leaving her foster carer could become calm and focused after just five minutes doing an obstacle course using the climbing frames in the playground.

7:00Five minutes can be all that is needed to allow a child who is struggling with the transition to face the school day more confidently and calmly. Parent self-care for tricky separations As parents, we can wonder why, after a tricky drop-off, we get the feedback from school staff that they're fine once they get to class. If the teachers are warm and caring and understand the psychological significance of attachment, then that's wonderful because you can feel reassured your child is fine because they do indeed feel fine given the new relational connections they're building at school. But do check in with your children because we also know they might rather be sitting on their still-fizzy stress response and fawning or masking their not-fine feelings.

7:52And if so, that will need addressing. Some schools install a camera in the reception classrooms for a short period to reassure new parents waiting in the reception hall that their children are well and happy. and that's a lovely idea if parents can sit and feel comfortable to watch while their children settle in. Separations are a big deal and it helps everyone involved when everyone feels contained and all our feelings are seen and heard. In that regard, we know that our children pay great attention to our body language, facial expression and our tone of voice. Your nervous system communicates directly with your child's nervous system, so it's good to be mindful that if we If we found separations difficult when we were younger, our own stress can be contagious.

8:43It can be helpful to arrange to speak with or spend an extra five minutes at the gate with your child's new teacher or a teaching assistant who will be your child's key person in class. If your child watches you having a relaxed chat with that person, their brain and nervous system registers, Mommy Daddy thinks this person is safe, so I am safe to be with them too. Work with your child. Acknowledge any wobbles and reassure them it's normal to find change and transitions difficult. Remember to use your creativity, coming up with playful solutions that can help your child feel connected to you enduring the absence of your separation.

9:24Holding in mind guessing game. Child psychotherapist Emma Connor from Your Space Therapies shares this lovely game for children experiencing separation distress. She calls it the holding in mind guessing game. And as she explains, this is how it works. Ask the child to choose a time of day for you to focus on them and guess what they're doing. You may want to playfully demonstrate what your super-focused face looks like. At that time, you draw a picture of what you think the child is doing, fold it up and have it ready for school pick-up. At school pick-up, be excited to have the big reveal. Give your child the picture and see if you guessed right.

10:07This provides a lovely connection at pick-up, which can obviously be a time of big emotions. This provides playfulness to support a successful reunion. You probably didn't guess right, But demonstrating to your child you have held them in mind is the most important thing, not getting it right. You can say you will focus even harder next time. The child can keep a scrapbook of the pictures, showing all the times the parent or carer guessed right and when they didn't. This creates a creative record of all the times they've been held in mind. There's still no such thing as naughty. Go and buy it and scribble all your own notes in the margins just like I did.

10:47and if you head to at happy place official on instagram you could have the chance to win a one-to-one session with kate i mean what a gift i would absolutely jump at the chance if you're as avid a reader as i am you can also come and join our book club we're on instagram at happy place book club every month we all read the same book and have a good old chat about the themes and the characters and the beautiful writing along the way. This month we're reading Killjoy by Jo Cheatham and you can hear from Jo herself on the podcast very soon. All right thanks again to the brilliant Kate what a gift it was to have a section of your book on here, to the producer Anushka Tate at Happy Play Studios and to you you're all doing blimmin great.

11:43Thank you.