Chloe Kelly: “I was riddled with anxiety!” My experience with hair loss and panic attacks

0:00Hello, a huge welcome to Happy Place with me, Fern Cotton. This is the show that doesn't need you to keep putting on a brave face. Today I'm chatting to Chloe Kelly. I went to see a specialist and she was amazing and she told me that I had alopecia. That was a tough time because you care about your appearance a lot. You care about, yeah, when I step onto the pitch, how I look. And I remember my first game at Arsenal in the morning of the game, trying to cover my bald patches on either side of my head. And I was like, wow, I'm out of an environment where it's made me feel so low. But now I can see how it did affect me.

0:41And yeah, it wasn't a nice place. Guys, as we are approaching Christmas, I am starting to run out of steam and wind down like an old dying battery. That's where I'm at. But quite happily, I weirdly love all of this time of year. You know, like some people go, oh, I'd love to go to the Caribbean or something like that. You couldn't pay me to go away right now. I love it getting dark at four. Bring it on. I mean, if I can, the pyjamas are going on at five past. I love the excuse to sort of do nothing when it gets dark and just hibernate a bit. I am so here for it. And also because I'm a Virgo, I did all my Christmas shopping in November like an absolute nerd.

1:24So I'm just sort of, I'm chilling. I'm not chilling because I'm also working and I've got children. But you know what I'm saying. Like the pressure seems to be dwindling and I like that feeling. I am ready to bring out the mulled wine and the multi-box of chocolates and just guilt-free get stuck in to all of it and watch Home Alone which is the only must. It's a non-negotiable. I'll try and squeeze in the holiday too but Home Alone 1, if I haven't seen that by around this time there's something seriously wrong. So that's where my head's at. And that's where I shall meet you today for this gorgeous episode of the podcast.

2:03This is a big one, guys. There's some exclusive stuff in this chat that I feel like, again, you know, I love doing this podcast, but I feel honoured that our guest today felt like Happy Place was a safe space where she could talk about things that were very, very new to talk about. So Chloe, my God, it has been quite a year for her. She had an absolutely huge summer. She really was the woman of the Euros. As I say in this chat, when I watched the Euros this year and also in 2022, I had goosebumps over my whole body watching these extraordinary women achieve unbelievable things on the world stage.

2:47And I just felt such a fire in my belly about all of it. And I'm not necessarily a football fan, but I will watch the Lionesses and I feel so deeply proud watching them. But there have also been some real lows behind the scenes for her too. In January, she left Man City to go to Arsenal. And from this chat, it sounds like a change in environment is exactly what Chloe needed for her mental health. we talked about just how low she got she was losing her hair having panic attacks being sick like all really scary stuff and for a long time she didn't want to accept how much she was suffering so there are some really good lessons in here around acknowledging what you're going through and gently starting to galvanize and move through it also maybe you're someone who's trying to support someone you love for a rough time right now.

3:40It was so lovely to hear Chloe talk about the little gestures from her friends and family and husband that made a massive difference to her. All right, here we go. This is the show.

4:14The door's probably shut. This is only my second podcast. What? Wait, your first one was Jamie Lang? Yeah. I listened to that one. Before the wedding. Newlyweds. Yeah, I enjoyed that actually. It was so good. It was cool. It's always so interesting to interview Lionesses. We've had several of you on now and it's just been the most amazing cultural shift seeing women's football get to its rightful place for people to be talking about it en masse for it to be mainstream for young girls everywhere to be inspired in this way it's just it's a beautiful thing yeah it's so special I'm grateful for the position that we're in the ones that came before us to to leave the shirt in a better place for us and now our job is to to do the same for the future generations but to be part of special teams is incredible and to be led by an incredible manager in Serena but I think everyone sees the glitz and the glam and there's so much hard work and oh yeah and sweat and tears that go into it so yeah I think it's great to see the the rewards now and inspiring so many not just young girls but young boys as well and really changing the mindset and a shifting culture for how people see women's sport and women's football and I think that's the biggest thing it's it's a shift in women's sport right now and yeah seeing what the Red Rose has done this summer was so special as well.

5:33So I think it's a, the women's sport is on the up and we can really celebrate together women doing great things. Yeah, I love it. I mean, it is on the up, but there is still disparity. You know, men's football is still overly celebrated and watched. Do you feel, is there a, is there an anger there? Is there a resentment there? Or are you just happy to see that you're on the ascent? Yeah, for sure. I enjoy watching men's football too I think it's incredible to learn from from the guys as well and I think they celebrate our our success too so I think it's great that we can have alignment together and I think within sport you just you do your job and you want to do well and now we have so much success and I think in 22 the success allowed us to have a voice within society and we changed the mindset of so many but also we allowed girls to have more opportunities in school, in PE lessons.

6:26And I think that was an opportunity for us to use our voice after having such success because we probably didn't have that voice previously, but hosting the tournament was incredible to be able to use that voice. And then from then on, I think it was a change in mindset, a shift in that. And being able to be part of that was so special. And from then on, it was just it felt like we were untouchable as lionesses because actually we'd done something not just in sport, but in life that we can be proud of. Yeah, I mean, that summer was just it was such a moment. We had Leah on not that long ago. And I was talking about this, you know, I sort of grew up with football being very much in my, you know, in my world.

7:11My dad and brother were football mad. So it's always kind of been there, but it was never kind of for, it didn't feel like it was for me. I played a little bit of school. Yeah. Teeny, teeny bit. But then seeing the Euros in 2022 and watching just how skillful you all were, how gracious you all were about that win and how you just, how you moved through that whole tournament was so inspiring. and that final game, I had goosebumps all over. It felt like this kind of primal reaction I was having to watching the game. Just seeing women excel and on a global platform like that, it was just the most exceptional moment.

7:52Yeah, it was so special. I think hosting the tournament and we blocked everything out whilst in tournaments so you don't really see the craziness of the tournament and I think coming out of it, it was wow like we've changed something here and the final was probably that pinch me moment of going to Wembley selling out Wembley and seeing people on the Wembley steps pre-game and welcoming us to the stadium I think that was so special for us and I think that was an eye-opener of wow like we we've changed the the sport now and we're able to fill Wembley and I think that was a real special moment for all of us but I think what it done was shift mindsets of so many that maybe might not have watched a game before or wasn't bothered about the game but also people that didn't care but also cared that we were successful they didn't care enough that we were doing great they just cared that yeah women here are successful and it shifted mindsets in terms of there's some people that actually well yeah they are here to stay but then I think it frustrated many people in terms of yeah it was seeing women do well some people don't like that yes well we know that yes in this world that we live in hence why I think the people that are supporting you women are just like come on you've got this and also to score the winning goal I mean how do you deal and process with a high like that and then coming down the other side of it because there's always a down at the other side of a big high yeah I think for me pre the Euros I was injured for 11 months so my mindset was I want to be at the tournament so to be there was incredible um I fought so hard to get there back from my injury and ACL injury which is so tough uh so to be out for 11 months and set your goal on something that seems so far away just to be at the Euros was an absolute honor but to then step onto the pitch every time you represent your country it's it's a huge honor and you step on with such pride so to go on the pitch at Wembley and I just wanted to win so badly I'm a really bad loser so I'm just like I just want to win and um yeah I remember we win a corner and I say to Lauren Hemp like let's make this count and my big toe I remember just swinging for it missing the first one and then poking my toe to it and a whole whirlwind of emotions not just scoring against Germany in the Euro final but actually like feeling like I've achieved something in terms of back from my injury and yeah I felt so much emotion in that moment and to be part of a special team that went on to inspire so many it was a proud moment and to see my family in the stands when I celebrated I think everything just seemed like a pinch me moment like wake up Chloe I bet but I mean there have been so many now you went straight into the World Cup pretty soon after that and you're in the finals again as the runners up in the World Cup how do you sustain like you were saying there you keep so focused during a tournament like that and they're lengthy certainly when you get to the final you know you are in this for the long haul how do you keep that level of focus and discipline does it become sort of more tedious or tiring as you get through the tournament?

11:21I think the environment that we create helps you to just stay focused throughout and switch off as well. We had a lot of time in that 22 Euros. We was going out on boats along Kingston, along the Thames and I think just going for walks. And then it was COVID so we wasn't allowed out too much after that. We had to stay in our bubble but But we enjoyed each other's company so much. We had like a basketball machine that you see in like the arcade. So we had that in there. The girls were watching Love Island. So we enjoyed each other's company a lot. And then to go on the pitch, then it was just do your job.

12:00Like we train hard, we train well. And the finishers group, as you call it, the ones that weren't starting the games, we had a really good group of we'd go out and train and work hard and we'd enjoy that competitive side so that when we can go on the pitch, we're all ready. We're all ready for a moment. So I think that was really important throughout the tournament is just staying ready for a moment that you're called upon. And we are all able to do that as the finishers. And I think every tournament, that's what Serena's able to do, get the finishers to be in a really good place when the moment is called upon for them to do so.

12:34Yeah, well, it's got to be enjoyable and there's got to be switch off moments. Otherwise, you would quite literally go mad or you would burn out. You can't sustain that. I mean, you would then sort of straight into the next Euro competition afterwards in 2025. Again, we all know that you won that again and it was just the most incredible moment to see that happen. We had Serena on the podcast again, maybe a few years ago now, and she seems to lead in a very specific way that just works. And it really works for you as a group. And it seems to be that her directness really helps and really works, but also the communication behind the scenes is really, really important.

13:12How have you found that dynamic? Yeah, an incredible coach. You can learn so much from Serena in terms of what she's achieved in her career, managerial career previously coming to the England team, but also the staff members around her. We have so many great staff members that people probably don't see that background work that goes in, but the directness of her, knowing your role being able to play that role to the best of your ability and I think that can change during tournaments so it's knowing that and I think that directness of knowing exactly what your job is to do this is your strengths this is what we can work on and I think that's how yeah she gets the best out in the players but especially me just knowing that role is to do this and when you come on this is and that can change so knowing that yeah you're hungry for of that but I accept my role and I'll do that to the best of my ability but I think Serena's a coach where you can pick up the phone and give her a call and and have a chat but also she's someone that will be very direct and not just tell you what you want to hear but tell you what you need to hear so I think as a coach that I've really enjoyed working on and she's been successful so I think she's yeah incredible manager.

14:25Yeah you don't want people skirting around a big issue when it needs to be brought up or a truth that needs to be told. In an environment like this, you need to cut to the chase, I'm imagining, and just know the thing. Yeah, exactly. In tournament football especially, but I think she knows how to get the best out of her players and you can see we all just enjoy playing under her and it's a good group of girls. They're incredible. I spend a lot of time in my room, to be honest, because I like to switch off away from football. I FaceTime home, I FaceTime my family and there's some girls that enjoy being with each other a lot more.

14:58So I think that dynamic allows us to be at our best. Yeah, it's so brilliant. Yeah. Was she instrumental in getting your confidence back? Because certainly after you've had a big injury, like an ACL injury, and you haven't played for a while, I'm imagining you lose confidence to some extent. You know you can play. You know you're an international elite athlete. That is in your bones. But of course, when you've had timeout or you're recovering, you're going back to square one in in terms of levels of fitness perhaps or or even integrating back into a team when you haven't played for a while how was that sort of cultivating your confidence and getting it back on track honestly um I'd never played on the Serena pre-injury so she came in when I got injured um so I'd never played under her going into the summer so selecting me for the tournament and selecting me in the pre-camps leading up to it gave me confidence because I'm like okay she believes in me she believes in what I did previously to my injury and she believes that if I'm able to do that then we're I'm in a good place so just being selected gave me confidence and then on out I was able to learn from others in training get fitter get stronger throughout the summer and I think that's allowed me to just improve as the tournament went on because I had more training in my legs I was I think my first game back in the team was April at City so it was I didn't have a lot of game time before the tournament so it wasn't a point of trying to get confidence in games I think my confidence came from just a selection and then throughout the tournament, learning and being around your teammates gives you confidence.

16:44But also I think the competitive side when you're in tournament is my first major tournament that I'd been at. It was like, no, I really want to do my best for the team. And you're representing your country at home Euros. You just want to do everything you can possible to win. So I think I was just a sponge. I remember sitting down with Jill and Demi and just trying to learn as much as we could me and Lauren Hemp and asking questions of Jill's first tournament Demi's first tournament and I think that was a real learning for us we're learning as we go because it was our first tournament for the likes of like me and Lauren Hemp yeah it's incredible I mean when you're playing football or indeed any sport at this level of course there are massive highs and massive lows that goes with the territory I'm pretty sure every sports person out there will have experienced both it's just a given and so much of it is mental like we can focus on the physical aspects and how you train and how your body will respond to that and how often you're playing but actually the mental side of it is a whole other bag of onions and something that I guess again dependent on the team around you the manager how you deal with the mental health side of it is going to be a bespoke situation depending on what you're going through and what you're feeling and you've been pretty open about the downs and the times that you have struggled mentally yeah where are you at now mental health wise I'm feeling in a good place I'm really happy January was obviously a real turning point for me coming back to London coming back home to my family where I grew up and coming back to a club that I love in Arsenal I'm forever grateful for the club I'm forever grateful for Renee Slagers and giving me an opportunity to find happiness but I'll be honest I was in a really dark place and I I was for a while to be honest I think January was a turning point for me but yeah I I struggled a lot um and I was riddled with anxiety I I didn't really want to go out a lot um at any opportunity I'd be like Scott can you go even go to the shops go to Tesco so I think that was tough for me and seeing myself because I'm I think I'm quite outgoing and and things like that but I think that's when you come away from sport and you're like this is affecting my mental health a game that I love so much but actually it's affecting me and in so many other ways that's when you're like wow like I need to focus on myself here and being able to speak up in January and and be able to come back to London and find happiness I think for me it was about to take a step away from the game that makes me so happy but you look after your body you look after your legs when you recover from training but actually that was fine it was my head that was struggling I was struggling mentally so yeah to take a step away from the game was what I needed but it wasn't that it was I needed to take a step out of an environment and go to an environment which made me happy so for sure I I feel in a good place now but I'll never forget the times where I did struggle and to struggle I think it made me realize how good the highs felt as well so you appreciate them a lot more and the summer and the Champions League win I think that allowed me to enjoy even more because I know how much mentally it took to get to that point and the people around me that got me out of that and yeah I remember my mom coming up to Liverpool where I lived at the time and she'd come up for a few days and she's like no I can't leave you like you're you're not you're not in a good place and that for me I was like wow like my mom's noticing it now and I didn't want to speak up I remember just going in the dark I loved sitting in the dark and I was like that this isn't okay I just liked being by myself in quiet and sitting in the dark yeah and I got to a point in my anxiety where I couldn't get off the bathroom floor because I was just being sick I tried taking the dogs for a walk going for a walk late at night coloring in and it wasn't like an eating disorder or anything like that and it was like a vicious cycle because I didn't want to feel anxious and I didn't want to throw up but when I felt anxious I felt like I needed to be sick and then when I started going to the psychiatrist it was this is the breathing that we can do and these are the ways that we can get out of it together and journaling and things like that so I think for me it was learning so much about my body at the time but also at times there was one occasion I remember where Scott got me off the bathroom floor and put me onto the hallway and he was like if you're in the bathroom you will throw up so we're going into the hallway and you're not just going to stay in here so it was Scott literally just taking me out of the bathroom and being like no you're not going to do it but it was yeah trying to journal what was going on and that helped me a lot but my psychiatrist at the time it was like we would log days where yeah it was a great day and we did this one where it was what did I do today why and like what how did that make me feel what does this say about me and I think that allowed me to then be like no I did this well today and it's not because I was trying my best to get out of the anxiety it wasn't like I was doing it from a bad point of view it was just trying to break you're trying to cope yeah you're trying to cope anxiety is so all-consuming you do whatever you can to cope my situation is different obviously but I had bulimia throughout my 20s and it is an incredibly hard cycle to break or any habit that you know isn't serving you that is detrimental but you're in it you're in the thick of it breaking that cycle is really hard yeah it's really hard and when sport gets you to a place like that it's like why did I start the game because I loved it but this is not what I love I don't love how this is now making me feel so I think that was a turning point for me of like right I need to remember why Chloe started playing football it was for the great moments of winning but it was also because I just loved having a ball at my feet and playing the game but when it makes you feel a way that it's affecting your mental health that's when I started to realize why I need to make sure I'm looking after my mind here but for me it it felt normal at the time until January when I was like right this is we can't carry on like this because I need to take a break that was when I was like right this is a turning point we need we need to change something because everything we've done from here on out isn't working and I remember talking to a psychiatrist and he was like you need to make a change in your life because it's been going on for so long now that it's really affecting you so that was from hearing those words I was like okay like right we're changing something now so that was yeah speaking out and speaking up for what I believed in and even when I yeah changed environments still recognizing right it wasn't just mentally now I started to well I recognized it but beforehand but wasn't accepting of I started losing my hair and I was like no like I don't think this is acceptable and it carried on it carried on I to I remember saying to Scott like I feel like I've got a bald patch in my hair and he was like no no like it looks fine to me I feel like he was making me feel better but I was like no Scott it doesn't feel right and then I noticed on the other side another bald patch and I was like I think I've got alopecia but I was too scared to speak to anyone about it so I remember speaking to my mom and I'm like mom like I've got a patch it's starting to really get bigger and she said just speak to the doctors at the club and see what they can do they'll be able to get you a cream or something so I went to Dr.

24:52England and just said like my hair's like falling out but it's also hurting like it's itching as well like my head and he said he'd try and find me some specialists and I spoke with Arsenal and I didn't feel at the time like I'd settled enough into the club to to go with my problems so I was trying to hide it so I went to see a specialist and she was amazing and she told me that I had alopecia and I was like wow now I'm seeing the physical changes that it's had to my body not just mentally but physically so that was a tough time because you care about your appearance a lot you care about yeah when I step onto the pitch how I look and you want to feel confident you want to feel confident and yeah I remember my first game Arsenal trying in the morning of the game trying to cover my ball patches on either side of my head and yeah that was a point and I was like wow like I'm out of an environment where it's made me feel so low but now I can see how it did affect me and it wasn't yeah it wasn't a nice place but I feel in a good place now yeah I'm so glad I mean you have panic attacks around this time as well that was something that was came with the anxiety yeah panic attacks and having to call my mom and I thought I was having a heart attack at times and not knowing what was going on with your body but when my hair was coming out I was just like how am I gonna I can remember googling like can I go fully bald and that was the first question I asked the specialist I was like can I go and she was like looking at it now like no but it takes three months so you can see the change for three months the highest level of stress so yeah it was for the next three months like waiting and seeing and yeah putting creams and now I look in my hair and my hair's grown back and I remember on camp just now I had my hair in a pony and I could see like my hair growing outwards in the pony I'm like oh that's embarrassing need to get more hairspray on that but I can see now like incredible things have happened since taking that step and taking that step forward but I think for for women that are in a dark place and anyone that's in a dark place like speaking up and speaking out is really important and my journey I'm I'm very grateful for the highs and lows that have shaped me and allowed me to sit in this room today and speak to yourself because actually I think those are the ones that you learn so much about yourself I think you do my ACL injury I learned a lot about myself but this definitely I learned way more of how I control what I can and some things you can't control but I think when you see like you did oh I can make changes here I can whether it is breaking habits and cycles that you know are not working for you but equally moving for environments that aren't working for you and that's a big step for anybody it could be people listening to this who feel like that about their workplace their marriage the location they live in it's a big deal to do it and also it doesn't mean that instantly all of your problems go away because you've changed one thing I think that's that's certainly been the hardest thing for me is going right I've made the change why don't I feel great now yeah because of course it all takes time and there can be a hangover with these things like I don't really get panic attacks anymore I mean I'm about to counter that but I used to get them frequently like constantly and I stopped doing certain jobs because of it I couldn't do live radio or tv I still haven't gone back to doing that because I just don't want to put myself in that position currently but I'm pretty free of them but then maybe a couple of weeks ago sometimes they happen for me as I'm trying to get to sleep and if I can't get to sleep that's where I can feel like my heart starts going the adrenaline's pumping and I'm like oh my god it's the worst time to get it because you're like meant to be super relaxed and feeling all sleepy and you know I'll do a few things that I know will kind of help me get out of it or if I'm really bad I'll have melatonin that I can take and just like okay I'm just gonna shut my brain off for a bit but have you had anything like that where you've gone oh my god there's still there's the edges of anxiety there I can feel them or do you think you're out the other side I feel in a good place I feel like I'm out the other side uh I remember we moved house not too long ago and Scott got me a um a weighted blanket oh they are heaven they are incredible if you're going through a tough time and good they are they got me a lot out of my anxiety just putting it around me and we moved house not too long ago and Scott was like do you want me to bring your anxiety blanket and I was like no I don't need that anymore and I think that for me was like I'm out of that and that's not what I want to go back to don't get me wrong there's times where I recognize some of the triggers and I start to then manage that a lot better but for me it's recognizing them triggers a lot better now and I feel like I'm in a place where I'm really happy I'm surrounded by amazing people.

30:07And I think now I've learned so much about myself and what it took me to get out of that. I never want to go back to that. But at the same time, I recognize the triggers a lot earlier. So what have been the key things for you to get out of it? Because, yes, you've moved environment and you know that certain things don't work for you. But what else has helped you ensure that you don't go spiraling back into that place? I think speaking up and speaking out I think when I do feel a little bit groggy and a little bit down then I'll speak up and just nip it in the bud and also I think for me just surround yourself with good people and I spend a lot of time with my family now I'm back down south so that makes me really happy my nieces and my nephews as well.

30:54I bet you've got you must have so many nieces and nephews you're one of seven kids yeah I'm one of seven I think there's 10 now crikey there's one on the way just uh due just before Christmas a lot of Christmas presents to buy yeah I definitely do and I love just being around my family so family is everything to me so when I see them in the stands again that is even more special than just stepping foot on the pitch so I think those that made sacrifices throughout your career like my mom and dad um I just really love seeing them in the stadium and putting a smile on their faces and seeing how proud you've made them so for me yeah being around family but also I think I'm just really happy and I think for me I felt around that time when I'm at my happiest that's when I felt like the downfall was harder yeah and like the anxiety so just days after our wedding I was went out on a walk at three o 'clock in the morning because I woke up with like having a panic attack and Scott was like this is like the happiest time that we've got and like yeah but I expect after something really great happening boom it to hit the ground again so I think now I live like steady and not get too high with highs never too low with the lows and I think for me I realize no not after a high I'm gonna have a low yeah it's just gonna be steady sailing.

32:24Isn't it interesting? I think when you feel like super duper happy or something really great is happening and obviously you have that in extremes with you know if you're playing an international tournament or just a big match that you care deeply about it's a place of such vulnerability it's it's a vulnerable thing to allow yourself to be happy because you know it's ephemeral it's not going to last forever it's kind of it's on sand it's like oh my god when's it gonna go and it's it's scary to allow yourself to go I am just gonna sink into this high and really enjoy it like you say without expecting and tomorrow I'm going to feel like dog shit because I've experienced such a high now it's a real tricky thing to land on I mean say you're playing a game and you win or you're just really happy with how you executed the game yeah do you allow yourself that moment of I am going to just feel so elated and I know it won't last but I'm going to let myself do it I think for me I enjoy the moment and then I try and move on as quick as possible so for example the euros I enjoyed the next week and really enjoyed celebrating with the girls because I think after 22 I realized we might not ever get this moment again of celebrating like this so enjoy it for what it is and then soon as it's done I can switch on to the next thing instead of worrying if something negative is going to happen after that so I think for me I enjoy that moment for what it is and able to then move on to the next thing very quickly and have my goals set on something else because when I enjoy the moment too much and then don't have focus on the next thing I think that's when I start to think right is it gonna be bad or so it takes out my control yeah I guess also having been in that place where maybe you didn't fall out of love with but you started to feel like your football career might not be a given anymore because you just couldn't be in that environment.

34:21That is a horrible feeling when something that you love is actually a major part of your identity and has been with you since childhood. When that goes, that's a horrible feeling. Certainly when it goes prematurely as well, when you're still in your 20s. That is a big, big loss. I mean, like you said, on that social media post you put out that you just wanted to feel happy again. was there a point where you thought I might not I might not ever feel happy again yeah and I think that was the risk that I took um not knowing when I could feel that happiness again don't get me wrong being around my teammates I love every one of them and I love being around them and that was what was making me happy but I think for me when I got home because I'd put on a brave face within in an environment and I want to be the best teammate I could possibly be.

35:12And I loved being around the girls and that really made me feel happy. But when I got home, it was like my battery was worn out. So I got home and it was like deflated. I'd like to go to, I'd go and have a nap and I'd go and sit in a dark room because actually it took a lot to put on a brave face. so for me yeah for sure being around people made me happy so I think now I still like to be around people to make me happy but knowing when I need to take the step away to not have to put on a brave face as such as this is what I need to be at my best and learning on the way I think knowing people that make you at your best and knowing when people don't and it's just learning as you go through your career but one thing I would say is my teammates that I was surrounded by throughout my whole career but especially in dark moments I'm forever grateful for yeah what amazing people yeah and it just it's so important to remember those moments where you're you're loved you're you are supported I think when you're in those dark places it's so easy to forget that and just think I'm alone in this no one's got my back I mean it seems like your husband's an amazing support to you as well yeah for sure I think like the messages that I was receiving from the girls just checking in checking if I was okay and that was something that I'll never forget and even when I took the step to Arsenal and being around the girls that I'd not seen for years or that was special to me but Scott and my mum that were on the journey throughout I think I'll always be grateful for because it was those that I was waking up at early hours in the morning for a walk or just to FaceTime my mum or my mum coming up and just spending more days with me than she she was going to so I think those are the ones that I'm I'm very grateful for the most that just seen the journey I think as there's people that obviously don't realize to what extent it went to but even Scott just massaging the cream in my head for my alopecia but those are the times where I'll never forget and I remember one day I just seen him beaming the smile he's like your hair's growing back and I think he could the happiness it put on his face because he knew how happy it would make me that there was starting to be change within that so for me I'm just yeah surround yourself with good people and people that make you happy and people that make you feel good but also those that will tell you no that's not good enough Chloe or no I think you're being a bit of a prat yeah you need those people oh bloody hell and it only needs to be a tiny group of people it can be like five people that you know love you enough to be there in the darkest moments but like you say also the ones that go shut the fuck up yeah exactly no and like that's when when he took me off the bathroom floor like no that's not happening and yeah I couldn't get myself off there but you will and I think those are the times where you realize right this is the person for me and yeah I think we're we're literally just best friends we do everything together so I'm glad that we could look back on like our life and he's been with me throughout the darkest times but the highest times as well yeah it was so important for sure I'm so happy for you and I'm I'm genuinely thrilled to see that you're through the other side of it I think it's again like you say speaking out and telling your story is not only important because people realize they're not alone in whether it is an alopecia diagnosis panic attacks bulimia whatever it might be you feel so alone in And that's where shame can start to creep in or self-loathing.

38:54I've been through all of that for sure. But I think knowing other people have been through it is so huge. But equally to see someone through it who's now not totally drenched in anxiety is incredibly important to know that it's not something that you have to be stuck in and that you have got the opportunity to get out the other side of it. For sure. I think any woman in a dark place, not just in sport, but in life, I think to see just around the corner from such a tough moment for me was a Champions League win and a Euro win and enjoying life and really, really happy, not just putting on a brave face to be happy, it's actual genuine happiness.

39:36so I think I think that's a learning for me to show any woman or any male that just around the corner from such a dark time was these incredible moments so stick with it and speak up for what you believe in it might not work out exactly how you want it in that moment but it's my values and what I believe in so I I will speak up and I'll speak out and I think that's the biggest learning for me is hoping many more women and males in any walk of life are able to do that yeah too right and where would you say your happy place is honestly at home with my dogs my dogs and scot my door shut and just just sitting with my family I think that is my my happiest place on earth and if any day off I can get I will be sat on the sofa with the dogs and spending time with my family mine is the same but just replace dogs with cats with cats I could not be happier like at the moment I'm craving a night where I can just watch Home Alone 1 on the sofa that's what I want to do so happy it's perfect but I think animals make you so happy because no matter how your day's been yeah you go in and the joy when they see you even if I've just gone to the bin yeah like they are so happy and that just fills me with happiness i mean cats aren't quite as responsive they're not going to be like wagging their tail actually one of my cats is quite mean and looks at me like i'm a piece of shit all right you need that sometimes you do i've got a good balance between the three of them but it is that unconditional love yes unbeatable it's so special and we actually get to bring our dogs on camp sometimes so it's it's very special that's why serena is amazing too because she gets it that you need that you need that home comfort exactly so the dogs have the best time and so do I because when I go back to my room it's like being at home not in tournament football but in preparation we get to bring our dogs which is perfect everyone needs a animal in their life I agree yes well look Chloe I wish you all the love and strength and luck with everything that's to come and thank you so much for sharing your story today it's been great thank you very much I appreciate you having me on well Chloe I'm so grateful I know that that was not easy to talk about and behind the scenes stuff her wonderful husband Scott was there and he was deeply emotional listening to Chloe talk about it because she hadn't said a lot of this stuff out loud at all so I know it was terrifying but my goodness what a beautifully articulate job you did Chloe and we We are all so massively grateful and we are all so happy to see that you are back on track, feeling good and boosted and doing what you do best.

42:29Okay, back next week with such a hilarious festive treat. I cannot even begin to describe how riotous it's going to be. I'm going to be joined by my best friends from school. We're still best mates today. We are thick as thieves. we all sound exactly like each other you're going to be bamboozled it's going to be so much fun so make sure you're back here for that in the meantime let me know what you took from that chat with Chloe we're on Instagram at happy place official all right until next time a massive thanks again to Chloe to the producer Anushka Tate at happy place studios and to you I love you

43:16Thank you.