“Give people pleasing the finger!” Fearne’s no longer trying to be liked

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1:51Fearne Cotton: Where do I begin? Of course they didn't see my needs. I wasn't telling anyone I had any. For all of us, there are people out there that don't like us. There might even be people out there that really fucking hate us. I've learned to live alongside being disliked without turning on myself. If I want to put 80 love hearts after a text, I'm going to do it. You're too loud, you're too quiet, you're too shy. I don't care if you think I'm too keen, too loving, too much. I don't give a shit. It doesn't mitigate the fact that you're going to piss people off. You probably will. Let's give people pleasing their finger.

2:25Fearne Cotton: It can fuck right off. When we ditch people pleasing, we get to be ourselves. Hi, everyone. I hope you're doing well. It's Fern here. And this is a little solo episode of Happy Place. And I want to really dive in to the subject of people pleasing today, if that's right with you. I've got my new book out, likeable and well, you can see from the tagline how I broke free from the need to please I'm very much still a work in progress with that it's an everyday thing but my god, am I better at it than I used to be and that's what I want to really drill in on today so normally on these episodes we look at what's making us happy and what's making us unhappy me and the whole of the Happy Place team And if you lovely listeners have any feedback or things that you want to chat about, you can do so on our Instagram page.

3:21Fearne Cotton: We're here for it. Normally, we start with what we love. I'm going to start with my dislikes today, my dislikes of people pleasing. What is the fallout from people pleasing? This is what I talk about at the start of the book. And each chapter of the book, by the way, starts with a question. Questions like, will you like me if I keep my mouth shut? Will you like me if I'm perfect? Will you like me if I'm more like you? Will you like me if I behave, et cetera? So these are some big questions that I've asked myself because of the shape shifting that I've done over the years. And I personally think my biggest dislike when it comes to people pleasing is the fact that you show up as an entirely different version.

4:09Fearne Cotton: of yourself. So whatever situation you're in, whether it's a dynamic that plays out every day and you find yourself behaving in a way that placates the other person, pleases them, doesn't rock the boat, doesn't cause a drama, or whether it's in your workplace or it's in a familial setting, that you show up as this malleable person that will be a chameleon in any situation to just keep the peace or just not rock the boat or just not cause a scene. I have done that in so many areas of life. I can't, I don't even know where to begin with it. And I didn't realise it was a problem until so recently.

4:53Fearne Cotton: Some of the time I even tricked myself into believing that I was doing the right thing, which moves into the territory of martyrdom, where you're like, I just do everything for everybody and I make sure everybody else is okay and happy. And on the surface on paper, that looks delightful. What a great person. What a saint. How selfless of you. Fine. If underneath you're not going, fuck you. I resent you. I'm irritated. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I didn't want to do that thing I said I was going to do. That is not saintly in the slightest. And I ended up in that place all the time because I wasn't showing up as myself.

5:33Fearne Cotton: I was this other version that always did the right thing, always said the right thing, made everybody else around them happy. The inside was usually quite frustrated and angry and I felt like my wings were quite clipped in lots of different dynamics and situations in my life. So the biggest dislike is that and all that you achieve in those moments. So you show up as a different version of yourself and everyone around you is pleased. They like you. You are likable because you are this shape-shifting, malleable person, but they don't like you. They like the pretend version of you that you've created to make everybody else happy.

6:11Fearne Cotton: So they don't even like you. The whole thing is so mind-blowingly ludicrous. And this is a revelation I had literally in the last two years. I used to think I was doing the right thing. And sometimes I was. And I will still help people in my life, reach out when people are having a tough time, compromise, make decisions that feel very tricky to aid other people. Of course, that goes without saying. But when it comes from the right place where I really believe that I'm doing the right thing for other people and me because I used to be bottom, bottom, bottom of the pile and I thought that's where I belonged.

6:54Fearne Cotton: And now I'm gradually moving myself up the list to take my wants, desires and needs seriously. And my God, does it feel uncomfortable at times? And my God, does it feel alien at times? Making a decision that works for me and might piss somebody else off. Excruciating, but not impossible to live alongside. So my biggest dislike is that, not showing up as myself. When I put this question to Team Happy Place, I've got some really interesting answers. Lana from Team Happy Place, her dislike is the peer pressure to fit in, just to be liked. And I think that is something that no matter what age you are, we feel.

7:36Fearne Cotton: In the book, I write a chapter that I mentioned earlier, Will You Like Me If I'm More Like You? And of course, it's a real human nature to want to fit in to find your tribe, your community. And sometimes if you think back to, I don't know, secondary school, I used to copy my friend Lucy's bubbly handwriting because it was so gorgeous. And I thought, oh, I just want to be a bit more like her. And then I copied Hayley's lilac head bag because I wanted to be a bit more like her. And then I started to laugh in a similar way to Ali because you want to be in that gang and feel safe and secure. And part of it is human nature.

8:11Fearne Cotton: And actually, if you listen to the episode of Happy Place at Christmas where I got together with all the women I've just mentioned, we are all sort of a version of each other because we spent such a condensed amount of time at school together and living in the same town that we merged into sort of like a homogenous person, like one person. So it is human nature. But I think when there's peer pressure and we feel like we have to do the thing because everybody else is doing it, even in your 40s, your 50s, your 60s, you have to have the same beliefs as other people around you because you don't want to rock the boat or you don't want people to dislike you because you think differently to them.

8:49Fearne Cotton: That's when I think it's a real problem. And I don't think having your own set of values, rules, beliefs means that you're then in conflict with anybody else. I think actually the most interesting friendships or partnerships are ones where you do think really differently and you can have really exciting, curious conversations about why and what that means to both of you. And perhaps, again, my beliefs have changed on that because maybe before I would have thought I had to have friends or partners or people in my life where, you know, we always agreed. For instance, you know, me and my parents, we're, you know, generations apart.

9:24Fearne Cotton: We have very different beliefs about certain things. And I think we've all got to a position where we know that that's OK and we might get a bit heated with certain conversations. but actually we can live alongside each other perfectly harmoniously knowing that we think differently about certain situations and that's okay. So I think ditching peer pressure is a big one. Let's now move on to my personal likes around ditching people pleasing. Where do I begin? I mean And so much of this has been discovered through the writing of this book because I started off, I mean, the first bit of the book is the explanation of the knowledge of me, people pleasing and how detrimental it's been just being front and centre.

10:14Fearne Cotton: I hadn't seen it. I literally hadn't seen it before. I just couldn't understand why I kept ending up feeling burnt out, resentful, pissed off, like nobody else understood me or saw my needs. Of course, they didn't see my needs. I wasn't telling anyone I had any. I was making out like I had none. I was just colluding with everybody else's needs and desires and wants and I ditched my own. So no shit they didn't know. So all of this has been a revelation. And I would say the biggest change for me, there's been two. My first biggest like about ditching people pleasing is the lack of stress and tension or certainly the lessening of.

10:56Fearne Cotton: Now, nothing's changed in my life circumstantially. I still have stressful shit to deal with, like I'm sure you do. The everyday stuff, which is, you know, more maybe the mundane stuff of running a home, having kids, school runs, the juggle, all that stuff, work stresses. But actually there's bigger ones that all of us will encounter at some point or another, whether it's grief, loss, separating from somebody, friendship, fallout, being sacked, like there's some bigger, big events. Even those life moments I'm dealing with differently. So it won't make any of that go away. Nothing can. That's life.

11:35but how I'm dealing with it has changed so hugely, seismically, I don't even know where to begin.

11:44Fearne Cotton: Stuff that would have taken me down two years ago now seems manageable and that's not to say that I won't flip out, you know, have a bit of a tantrum, maybe have a cry here and there, feel like I can't cope but the recovery is so much quicker and the time that I feel, you know, sort of chronically stressed has reduced. And at times I don't even understand it. I'll talk to one of my best mates and go, I sort of feel all right. I sort of feel like I can cope with whatever it is that I wouldn't have coped with two years ago. And I don't know why, but I sort of do. I think a lot of it is down to this, caring less and spending less time worrying if other people think I'm an arsehole or not.

12:27Fearne Cotton: People will. And this is the, one of the other big lessons is that for all of us, there are people out there that don't like us. There might even be people out there that really fucking hate us. That might be the case, just like we don't like certain people. And sometimes there's maybe no science behind that. You just think, I don't really like them. Again, it's human nature, but I'm able to live alongside that, which again, I think reduces tension and stress. That is the real big second like for me of ditching people pleasing is knowing that I can live alongside the discomfort of being disliked I did not think that was possible two years ago three years ago for the entirety of my adult life I felt like if people didn't like me there was something inherently wrong with me that I was getting life wrong that I was I didn't know the rules I was doing it wrong and that's why people are upset with me or they didn't like me or or maybe I'd even turn it into paranoia and go, God, there must be something really strange about me.

13:30Fearne Cotton: And I just don't realize it. I think I'm at an age and a point in my life where I can now go, I'm just being me. And if people don't like that, there's really not much I can do about it. I can certainly try and convince them, but that might be a waste of time. So I've learned to live alongside being disliked without turning on myself. So that's what I used to do. I would go, oh my God, so-and-so doesn't like me. I must be an, I'm an arsehole. I am an arsehole. I'm a dickhead. I hate myself. And that was it. A day ruined, year ruined. It'd go on for months on end. I will not do that anymore. I will not turn on myself.

14:10Fearne Cotton: I actually, there's a quote in the book that's from my friend Claire, who gave me some very solid advice when I was going through a situation like that, where she said, all of this is fine as long as you don't turn the gun on yourself. And that's, you know, a harshly worded statement that I certainly needed to hear. But those moments where someone says something to us and we immediately turn on ourselves, we don't back ourselves up, we don't believe in ourselves and we don't like ourselves in that moment. I am, I'm not willing to do that anymore. And I might still feel remorseful if I've messed up.

14:44Fearne Cotton: I might apologise to somebody if I've done something wrong. Well, I certainly would apologise to somebody if I'd done something wrong and I'd upset somebody. But turning on myself entirely, it's not happening anymore. No, no, no. Let's look at some of the Happy Place team's likes when it comes to ditching people pleasing. I mean, both Lana and Anushka from Team Happy Place are alluding to simply being themselves. Anushka talks about getting grief from people when you use perhaps too many exclamation marks or kisses in an email. Modern wisdom says that women should take these things off emails as it reads to being too eager to please.

15:23Fearne Cotton: But she just likes them. And I'm the same. I am very extra in lots of areas of my life. If I want to put 80 love hearts after a text, I'm going to do it. I don't care if you think I'm too keen, too loving, too much. I don't care I don't give a shit uh Lana says when you start ditching people pleasing you can really embrace being too much I think women specifically get told they're to everything whether it's about physical appearance or outward expression of personality you're too loud you're too quiet too shy you're too brash you're too rude you're too annoying you're too fat you're too thin you're too tall you're too short it's it's everything we're to everything.

16:08Fearne Cotton: Where's this perfect middle point where we're just, I don't know, like plateauing in all areas? It's impossible. I think most women get to a point in their lives where they really want to be to whatever that thing is that makes them feel like them. And good, we should be doing that. That for me is a big tick, is a big, big like. When we ditch people pleasing, we get to be ourselves. And that might be too much something for someone. It might be too little for someone over here. Who cares? For you, it's just right. And that is a really important place to land. And I'm not sat here saying, I've nailed it.

16:51Fearne Cotton: I love myself every day. I'm always so happy to have, you know, people give me harsh critique. No, all of it still hurts. You know, if someone has a pop at you or someone on social media says something mean of course I'm a human it hurts but as I said earlier what I'm not willing to do is turn on myself show up as a version of me that isn't me which also may I add changes every day because some days I'm up I'm down I'm energetic I'm sloth like that's that varies but having the confidence to show up as me on any given day and I'm not willing to hear anybody tell me I'm too anything. There are so many beautiful little gems that come out of ditching people pleasing.

17:40Fearne Cotton: It doesn't mitigate the fact that you're going to piss people off. You probably will, but you can live alongside the discomfort of that. And it's a far more tolerable discomfort than the one of sitting there going, yes, yes, yes, I'll do everything for everybody and feeling like shit inside and I say that from a place of absolute experience I've done it I've tested the theory for you although I know many of you are either living it now or have previously so if you want to ditch people pleasing like I'm attempting to every damn day it's a daily practice then I would love you to give this book a go whether it's the audiobook or reading it it's definitely my most honest book and there's lots of memoir in there each chapter starts with a story where I've people pleased I've placated others I've kept my mouth shut I've kept small and hopefully is rounded off with positive stories of not doing that anymore So let's give people pleasing their finger.

18:47Fearne Cotton: It can fuck right off and let's care a lot less about being likeable.

19:42Transcription by CastingWords Visit bill.com slash proven to talk with an expert about automating your business finances and get a$250 gift card as a thank you. That's bill.com slash proven. Terms and conditions apply. See offer page for details. If your skincare isn't working, you're probably skipping one essential step. Gentle daily exfoliation. Barefaced toning pads, smooth skin, unclog pores, and help the rest of your routine work better, all without irritation. One of these sells every three minutes. They have over 653 ,000 five-star reviews, and the results speak for themselves. Get 15 % off plus free shipping at barefaced.com with code SKIN15.