Manifesting won’t make you happy: Express true emotion with Estelle Bingham

0:00Hello, I'm Fern Cotton and this is Happy Place. the show that gives you permission to take off whatever mask you're wearing for other people. Today I'm chatting to Estelle Bingham. When we're in flow we just manifest all that we just we just we're in flow so we're in the flow of who we are and as you show up more authentically every day you speak your truth you you speak your boundaries you say I like this and I don't like that what happens there is we're manifesting the life of our dreams and ultimately that vision board I want that I want that car I want that So that's just going to be manifesting more of that.

0:34And ultimately, that doesn't bring us happiness. What brings us happiness is I'm in the car I want to drive. And I also, I'm enough without the car that I want to drive. I'm excited for you to meet Estelle. It's important for me with Happy Place to introduce you to people that you know and love already. And hopefully we'll get to know a bit better. But also people you might not know about. People who are doing really special work that might not be in the public domain. And Estelle certainly fits into that category. I've worked with her a couple of times personally not professionally and have gained a lot from her wisdom and knowledge one thing I guess I've been finding recently and when I say recently I mean in the last year is that I can sometimes feel a bit numb and this is more of a recent thing because I've had periods of like overwhelming emotion but I think when you go through a lot of stuff and we all have, we've all gone through a bunch of stuff.

1:30Sometimes I can be a bit numb and I don't let the emotion, especially the tears come to the surface. And that was quite apparent when I met Estelle because I had a big old cry the first time I met her. And I'm trying to get a bit, I was about to say better, not better, a bit more open to just letting that stuff come to the surface, to having a proper weep and letting sadness be there rather than soldiering on, numbing myself, blocking it all out. I had a good cry at the weekend, actually. It was sort of half happy tears, half sad tears. And I think it's really important to let that stuff come out.

2:09Have a good old weep, basically. So let's properly talk about Estelle. She was introduced to transcendental meditation at the age of six and her deep connection to the soul's journey has been a guiding force throughout her life. It's really hard to explain exactly what she does but I do think she explains it rather well in a moment but it's a guide I guess of sorts to working out what's really going on within you and how you're feeling when often we all numb and block out emotion and she does it in the most beautiful and unusual way, actually. And that's why I love her work. She's written a book called Manifest Your True Essence, which will be out in April.

2:51Now, I was excited to talk about this book because I sway between thinking manifesting is the best thing since sliced bread to thinking it's a load of old shit, usually the moments when things don't manifest that I'm wanting. And that's obviously not how manifesting works. Hence why I put that to Estelle and she gives a bloody solid answer. So that's on the way. Also thinking about the heart. Now when we do these podcasts sometimes I probably am a little bit too focused on the cerebral, the cognitive element of mental health. We forget about the poor old heart so that is what we're going to talk about a hell of a lot.

3:29We talk about the concept of feeling deserving of a great life and happiness and exploring your own backstory, which can be excruciating, and whether we do have to revisit our childhoods to actually heal, which I think is a really interesting point. Also why sort of those Instagramming manifesting moments are a load of old cobblers in Estelle's words. Hi, this is Nox from the Popcast with Nox and Jamie. And maybe like us at the Popcast, you also know people who have been smokers or vapors. And Zen is the one product it seems like everyone is talking about. Because there are many good reasons to make a change to Zen nicotine pouches.

4:09Reasons like Zen nicotine pouches are still America's number one choice for smoke-free, hands-free nicotine satisfaction. And you can choose between 10 varieties, each variety available in either 3 or 6 milligrams. Check out zen.com slash find to find Zen at a store near you. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. The market's uncertain. revenues tied and hiring on hold that's why results driven companies are using upwork to keep work moving go to upwork.com today and start hiring proven freelance talent fast no bulky overhead no rigid long-term contracts just the right expert right when you need them work smarter and faster with upwork go to upwork.com now and find your freelance expert that's upwork.com Post a job for free and get started today.

5:00If you're a maintenance supervisor at a manufacturing facility and your machinery isn't working right, Grainger knows you need to understand what's wrong as soon as possible. So when a conveyor motor falters, Grainger offers diagnostic tools like calibration kits and multimeters to help you identify and fix the problem. With Grainger, you can be confident you have everything you need to keep your facility running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click grainger.com, or just stop by. Grainger, for the ones who get it done. A Mochi Moment from Sadie, who writes, I'm not crying, you're crying. This is what I said during my first appointment with my physician at Mochi, because I didn't have to convince him I needed a GLP-1.

5:43He understood, and I felt supported, not judged. I came for the weight loss and stayed for the empathy. Thanks, Sadie. I'm Myra Ameth, founder of Mochi Health. To find your mochi moment, visit joinmochi.com. Sadie is a mochi member compensated for her story.

6:03Can't wait for this. Here's the show.

6:28Estelle, welcome to Happy Place. I am so excited to be here with you, Fern. So excited. I'm really excited. I mean, it's always an interesting one for me when I have a guest on, not only that I know, but also we've worked together in a personal way. I have come to your beautiful treatment room, met your amazing dog, been in that space, worked with you. You've been hugely helpful to me, which is obviously one of the reasons I was so keen to have this chat. First of all, I mean, we're going to talk about your book in a minute, but how would you describe either yourself and how you identify at work or what you do?

7:04That's such a good question, Vern. And I love the way that we've just gone straight in there. You're no fucking about. Over to you. I feel like what happens to me I mean a great way to describe some of the the people that come to see me often is there's been a lot of work that's that's happened maybe maybe people have done some therapy traditional therapy talking therapy which is amazing wonderful and they've kind of gained awareness around some of the blocks and the things that are holding them back but they're still in their heads they're still in the these these things are still going around in the head they can understand the concept but nothing really changes in the day-to-day so really for me what i do is i help people drop in you know we work with the heart we work with that heart energy this is for me the gateway back to an authentic life back to our authentic selves because we're not going to get there with the with the mind because remember the mind loves to to chit chat talk all sorts of stuff to us all the time all of these thoughts are held in the mind so I just bring people back into their hearts it's a little bit of a tweak but we embody then we start to embody in a different way so we start to show up in a different way in our lives and kind of come home to ourselves really which is why you've been called the heart whisperer which is a nice that's a lovely title it is a title it is it is a lovely title I feel you know quite honoured to be gorgeous It is a lovely title.

8:32Especially in this day and age where we don't celebrate that stuff. We celebrate IQ and, you know, how quickly you can work cognitively and are you ahead of the game and are you thinking logically and are you problem solving? Nobody ever stops to go, wow, that person's really moving through the world from the heart and thinking about love and compassion for themselves and other people. we celebrate that a hell of a lot less which is probably why so many people come to you or just in general aren't feeling great because like you say we're stuck up here ruminating constantly worrying stuck in negative thought loops and we're not we ignore the heart altogether we do ignore the heart altogether and i think the heart what i talk about often i've in it's in the book is the heart gets a heart a really bad rap actually because you know it with the minute we think of the heart we think oh it's a bit mushy it's a bit you know a bit fanciful it's a bit fanciful good for you thinking about the heart you've got time to have you that kind of thing it's a bit indulgent or something yeah but actually you know there is science behind how powerful the heart is and so it's called neurocardiology which is just the understanding of the mind of the heart because what neurocardiologists have discovered since the 50s and 60s is that the heart has a mind of its own so it has neurons it has neurotransmitters it has support cells just like the mind just like the brain so we don't really know that and this is like it's a little known truth but it's out there so it's science backed by science it's not a fanciful thing actually when we activate the heart we we really move and step into the heart every day life changes it's a very small tweak but it works and that's what I found in my work that it's it's actually quite exponential it's actually you know we can sit with these concepts for hours on end and days and months and but not see any changes in our world but when we step into the heart something different happens because the heart sends more messages to the brain than the brain sends to the heart wow yeah the heart also has a memory so the heart remembers things and that's also scientifically proven so when people have heart transplants what they've understood I mean there's an amazing book out there about it I reference it in my book which is you know this this woman who had a heart transplant she She had suddenly all her her her taste her taste changed.

11:08Suddenly she was you know she was looking at curvy blondes and she was wanted burgers and she wanted to smoke and she and actually it was this memory in the heart of the her chart the person who had passed and whose heart she was holding which was a young motorcyclist who who had passed away in a motorcycle accident and she was actually suddenly holding his memories in her body. so what my work does is my work we bring focus into the heart to empty energy from the emotional body and often what what we're carrying we're carrying so much we don't know what we're carrying but there's layers of stuff that we're carrying and in these sessions and with this process we kind of get to just let it go because ultimately we just need to put this stuff down We do.

11:57And I think it's so interesting because when you and like we've said, talk therapy is brilliant. I do it and it's helped me massively. But sometimes the danger is you get stuck in a cycle of you tell your story and your story is something that's probably well practiced or certainly something you thought about a lot where this happened to me. I reacted in this way. I am this way because and it's just words that are on a loop and their thought patterns on a loop. And actually this cuts through all of that. It manages to somehow negate this well-rehearsed story you've got because it's stuff that is deeply held in your body.

12:34And we know that happens. There's brilliant books like The Body Keeps the School. This stuff is in ourselves. It's in our body. So to go to the physical element and also the heart, which is obviously synonymous with love and compassion and self-care. we're actually uncovering stuff that we don't even know is there at all there's there's layers and layers of crap that you need to get beneath I've certainly realized from working with you and having an understanding of of this stuff that it's not just this story we're telling ourself there's other stuff that we're not even aware of absolutely because what happens often is we're not really in touch with the feelings so we understand the story so we can look back at our four-year-old self or our six-year-old self and we're like well this is what happened at that time and we can get get in touch with the memories and a certain amount of the feelings.

13:24It's not that it doesn't work, but Peter Levine, who, you know, he developed the somatic experiencing technique, which some people out there may have heard of already, but that's just experiencing the feelings in the body. And that's really where I start. I start in that place. But bringing in the heart is like, it's basically our superpower. It's like we already have it. And that's really my big, you know, that's my mantra. Like you are already whole. So we're not we're not there's not the big healing story. I mean, we do do the healing work. We do do the inner work. But you've already got this.

13:59We're just returning to wholeness. And what happens with the heart? It's like it's like, you know, you go into the dark room and often what happens? People turn up. And I always say this. It's like, you know, we're in this dark room and we keep bumping into the same sofa and falling over the same, you know, the same sofa. and then having the same outcomes or experiencing the same things, being in the same types of relationships, calling in all of these, you know, similar experiences. And I just say, let's just switch the light on. Yeah. So that's all it is. It's like we're activating the heart, just switching the light on.

14:31It's not a big fandango. It's actually really simple. You know, the heart technique coming into the heart is just, we take some really nice deep heart and body breaths. Those really settle the parasympathetic nervous system. And we know that from breath work these days and what that does, you know, really breathing in and then taking deep exhales from deep in the body. So not up here because a lot of us breathe just up here at the top from the neck and nothing's really we're just not not doing anything. And we just come in with a certain amount of awareness into the heart. So it's actually really simple.

15:08Yeah. And I think I mean, I want to get into manifesting and this relates to it to a degree, because like you say, we repeat the same mistakes. I can look back at certain things. I'm like, why am I having to learn this lesson again? I've done this one, but I've made the same choices. I've ended up because it's comfortable. It's familiar. I understand it. You know, you think you know what you need and you don't. And I think it's so interesting that so much of that is connected to a lack of self-love, a lack of self-compassion that we have. I think most people have sort of a low level self-loathing.

15:42We're so used to berating ourselves for every flaw, every mistake, every fault. We isolate ourselves in it. I mean, I do this all the time. I was in therapy yesterday talking about this, saying, oh, my God, I'm so flawed. There's something wrong with me and nobody else. And I know all this stuff and I still have that underlying feeling that I'm getting it more wrong than anybody. And I'm way more flawed than anybody. I think we all have the propensity to do that. and I guess when you're doing this work that focuses on the heart it's just reminding us that we've all got that going on but actually we can still love ourselves we can forgive ourselves and and that is I guess one of the biggest blocks when it comes to manifesting a life that you actually want is the fact that you fucking hate yourself yeah well there are two things there that are really important right so imagine heart energy imagine that you've got a tap and most of the time either that tap is just it's not on at all or there's a little drip drip drip okay every three minutes like you know a bit of a torture torture situation when we get into just thinking about the heart every day for a few minutes a day we start to turn that tap and it's a flow and what I will say it's quite it's you know it's a it's a thing to think about but when we twist that that that tap and the there is heart energy flow you are bringing a different energy into your life so I always say to people just stay curious stay curious and see what happens and when with the manifesting you know there's so much out there about manifesting at the moment and I've been manifesting that has been part of my practice for years and years and we know about it from you know manifest from law of attraction it's out there in the world but there is a ceiling to manifesting if you're unconscious if underneath all of this manifesting manifesting manifesting is a sense of self-loathing shame you know we're not accepting ourselves we're beating ourselves up but it up here we're thinking I want I want this relationship I want this job opportunity I want to move here I want to do this I want to be seen I want I want people to know me to hear me but actually what happens is because remember the mind is made up of sort of 87 or even 92 percent between there is unconscious and the rest is conscious so remember that tiny little bit of mind the way we're saying i want you know i'm manifesting i'm making vision boards i'm doing this manifest manifest manifest but the unconscious is huge so remember that that big iceberg okay we can just see the top of the iceberg but underneath is all of the truth of who of who we are of what we really believe about ourselves and so what we need to do is we need to come in and and be with this unconscious but when we activate the heart we're coming in immediately with a gentleness with a softness we are activating that flow of compassion again when we say when we use these words i get banded around we see them on instagram we see them here there and everywhere love compassion bring more compassion in radical self-acceptance what does it really feel like people know what it sounds like but do they know what it feels like and so that's what we we really work with yes now this is so exciting and so interesting because i was i was instantly fascinated as to why you called the book manifest your true essence because i think true essence can feel almost sort of nebulous like what what is it i don't know what my true essences but I think even you just describing that huge amount of subconscious thought we have just even having an awareness of what those thoughts are I guess helps us work out who we are because a lot of the time I think we're all quite confused like I don't know who I am you know I'm just sort of lost in motherhood and trying to the hamster wheel of getting to work and have I remembered the school snacks and like even today I totally forgot about an after school club and I've totally fucked up and blah, blah, blah.

19:46But you sort of get so lost in the daily grind of all of it that you don't even know what you like anymore, what you want out of life. And I think that's been, I've had so many interesting chats. One of my really good friends, I think I'm allowed to just say his name, Harry. I don't think he's going to mind. But we talk about manifesting all the time. And sometimes we believe we're really onto something and we're really in the flow of it and everything feels great. And at other times we'll ring each other and go, is manifesting a load of shit and will really deeply dive into it and go is it is it a thing does it work and I think for so many people you don't even know where to begin what do I want I don't even know I don't I have no idea what's going to serve me best I might I might think I do but then who knows I think it's that understanding of who you are and what you want that feels like the biggest first stumbling block to me so how the hell do we work out who we really are I mean this is a big question right this is the big question of life this is a big question of the lifetime and and who are who am I I need you to answer it now I get that I love that but it's also it is it is what we want to be with because ultimately we're looking for all of us and I and And I think it's so wonderful how you just talk so freely about how you're feeling in the moment.

21:09Because all of us are feeling all these things. We're feeling all these things all day long, right? And we're not alone. And when you were talking to your therapist and you were like, it's me and it's only me. This is what all of us are with this. In fact, shame, we all have a pocket of shame. So shame is actually something that just comes in in the childhood. And it just comes in because there'll be a moment when someone says no to us and we're like, oh, you know, and it's not about what happens with these emotions. It's just about how we hold the emotions.

22:02rigid long-term contracts. Just the right expert, right when you need them. Work smarter and faster with Upwork. Go to Upwork.com now and find your freelance expert. That's U-P-W-O-R-K.com. Post a job for free and get started today. Hi, this is Knox from the Popcast with Knox and Jamie. And maybe like us at the Popcast, you also know people who have been smokers or vapors. And Zen is the one product it seems like everyone is talking about because there are many good reasons to make a change to Zen nicotine pouches. Reasons like Zen nicotine pouches are still America's number one choice for smoke-free, hands-free nicotine satisfaction.

22:37And you can choose between 10 varieties, each variety available in either three or six milligrams. Check out zen.com slash find to find Zen at a store near you. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. If you're a maintenance supervisor at a manufacturing facility and your machinery isn't working right, Granger knows you need to understand what's wrong as soon as possible. So when a conveyor motor falters, Grainger offers diagnostic tools like calibration kits and multimeters to help you identify and fix the problem. With Grainger, you can be confident you have everything you need to keep your facility running smoothly.

23:14Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click grainger.com, or just stop by. Grainger, for the ones who get it done. A mochi moment from Mark, who writes, I just want to thank you for making GLP-1s affordable. What would have been over$1 ,000 a month is just$99 a month with Mochi. Money shouldn't be a barrier to healthy weight. Three months in, and I have smaller jeans and a bigger wallet. You're the best. Thanks, Mark. I'm Myra Amid, founder of Mochi Health. To find your Mochi moment, visit joinmochi.com. Mark is a Mochi member compensated for his story.

23:55You do a whole section of the book on shame, which I was again fascinated by because I've had whole periods of my life where I've been sort of engulfed by it and it's ruled the show and I think you assume in those moments I need to get rid of shame it needs to go I need to not feel this but you actually say welcome it welcome it with open arms I say that there's nothing that we're holding that we can't hold more with love and so coming back to your original questions I think is so important about who am I And how do I get to that authentic feeling or idea of self so that I know what I want? So when I go into my manifesting into my vision boards, I'm visioning with real clarity because remember, that's that alignment is what pulls things in.

24:38Right. Really knowing. Yeah. Being really clear with the universe is what brings it right in. Yeah. OK. When it's again, when it's well, I want this and I want that. But underneath, I don't deserve any of that. Right. So you've got, you know, the bulk of you. So 86 % of you, I don't deserve that. And then you've got this beautiful vision board that, you know, you've spent a lot of time, you know, collating and putting this and that. And I want to do this. I want to do that. But you don't believe that you deserve it. So this thing about how do we get back to our authentic selves? Firstly, it's about acceptance and forgiveness.

25:13And often it's about accepting the parts of ourselves that we've put under the carpet, that we've repressed and suppressed. Because remember that we have all done that somewhere. There will be a part of you that's in the shadow. And I call it the shadow lands. It's a shadow. And some people would have heard about that. But you can just think about it really simply. it's parts of us that through our childhood or at school we have had to repress because there hasn't been any space for those for those parts to exist so you know if we were in a situation where we we had to we couldn't be poetic and we you know you had to kind of get into sports because sports was how you related to your father and you couldn't you actually wanted to be a poet but there was no room for that there was no space for that artistic self thing guess what happens the artistic part of us we have to shove it away also so many of us are told that we're too emotional so many of us have to zip it so many of us have to you know we have to start to hide these parts of us to to survive so it's all about that emotional survival and again depending on the childhood environment if our parents don't allow that sometimes we have parents who take up emotional space okay so with me in my my situation the space was already taken up by the drama and trauma of my mother and so that's who had the space right so there was no room for me no one was asking me how how are you feeling or how are you and again that's a cultural thing many of us have grown up with that that was what it was like growing up before but really this return to self this return to the authentic self is is about journeying taking a step that stepping on that path back to bringing those parts back in with love just returning to you know to to the to the six-year-old self that it was really sensitive and then actually shut down and what happened was she shut down her heart to survive so we go back in and we would we kind of these are all the parts of our beautiful you know we've got so many colors to our rainbow and we want to just bring those colors we want to bring them back into the room because from that place when you've got that palette of color all of those colors then we can kind of say well actually I kind of feel like being that person because I've actually discovered in the last six months I thought I was that person but having got back in touch with the part of me that used to love to you know listen to the birds or used to love to paint or I was quite loud or, you know, and I was told to be quiet or, you know, I want to manifest this suddenly.

27:53So when we get in touch with those, we just allow some space for all of it. And shame is part of that. Yeah. Because shame, we don't run from these parts of ourselves, these repressed, you know, the sort of cut off parts of ourselves. We bring them into a safe place. So it's like bringing them back into a room. And you can imagine that. And that's how we stretch into our hearts. And we bring them in. And that's where the alchemy happens. It's okay that you felt shame when, you know, often we carry all sorts of things. You know, we can carry sexual shame. We can carry shame for just being who we are, for having emotions.

28:32Sometimes, again, as I said, households can be emotion phobic. Like we just don't do emotion, right? Like you're not allowed to be angry. You're not allowed to be sad. All sorts of different reasons why. But in this return to self and your true essence, we just spend, you know, some some moments in this process, bringing those parts back in, recovering ourselves. And from there, we get this kind of really solid sense of who we are. I mean you you have to have an element of willingness to be flexible because when you get so used to suppressing parts of yourself I think we all start to build an identity based on that and again you know we express it to other people this is who I am this is how I move through the world.

29:19I certainly in my 40s have been sort of almost surprised at where I'm headed and ending up because of having intrigue into looking into what bits of me have been suppressed. And I know certainly, maybe some from childhood, I'm sure, but certainly from starting in TV so young and you are explicitly told constantly you're to this or don't do that. And I took on this role of I need to be the good girl and I need to get it perfect. Don't rock the boat. Don't upset anyone. You'll lose your job. You won't get to do this anymore. But I carried that on for years and it's only now in my 40s that I've started to let things fall to the wayside.

30:09Things are a bit messy. I'm not being the good girl. I'm, you know, I'm very aware of my flaws and the parts of me that I've struggled with. But I'm happier. Yeah. I'm so much happier, not tightly gripping the reins and just thinking I've got to be the good girl all the time and suppress all these bits of myself that I know are there and want to be maybe outspoken or do something that might piss somebody else off or whatever it is that I'm so massively suppressed for years and years. and it's by no means comfortable but I'm certainly happier and I feel much more like myself I don't think I'm at the place yet where I'm like I know who I am I know exactly what I want this is me manifesting it I think I'm a few steps back but it certainly feels surprising to welcome those bits of yourself I mean for me it feels like I'm not even welcoming them back I'm just like oh I've discovered them for the first time and I'm letting them be there and breathe it's it's and it's scary it's quite a scary process to go through it is a scary process in the beginning it can feel scary because of course what's what you're talking about there is so important and and you know you would have heard of that before from so many people that you've interviewed about the masks that we you know oh god yeah so how we mask and how we learn And so remember the masking is we repress things about us and then we mask, kind of we mask up.

31:40So how we survive environments and the roles that we play. And so removing some of these masks, self, you know, the perfectionist, you know, whatever it is, I'm fine. Always doing the right thing. Always doing the right thing. Making everything perfect for everyone. Making all of that stuff, people pleasing, all of the things. So we have to think about when we dismantle, you know, what then happens. And I always say that that's just a massive invitation because remember that what is exciting about our time on the planet is that we get to grow. Like it's so exciting that we get to evolve. You know, how amazing that you're sitting here in your 40s, but in your 60s, you're going to keep growing and you're going to keep evolving.

32:22And I also want to say, because it's really important, you don't have to be perfect or in your authentic self in order to manifest. You can just be, the two can be, you know, moving side by side. I just say for really powerful manifesting, this side needs to also be growing, right? So as long as we're growing, as long as we're in that flow, it doesn't have to be that you've gone into all of your unconscious and all of it's alchemized and you're meditating every day and you're in your heart every day. just stay curious when you feel you're going off a little bit right because we all have those days and that's the thing about the heart the heart is there to anchor us nothing changes about life like you're going to miss the you know you're going to miss the school club and someone's going to be late and it's not going to be perfect and you're going to say the wrong thing and oh my god did i do that yes you did do it the heart just brings us back into an anchoring that takes us out of the mind because the mind can take us spiral us out of control yeah and this just brings us into stillness and so we just want to go into stillness stay curious and keep growing like i want to grow till i'm nine in my 90s i want to be like you know today i'm a novelist tomorrow i'm a gardener the next you know that's what joy is i agree and it's so i'm so glad that you're breaking all this down because i think the toxic side of looking at even just wellness very generic huge pull of activities and whatever it is now but also looking at the toxic side of how manifesting can be talked about is I think many of us believe and this is what myself and my friend Harry have talked about we we sometimes could get drawn into I cannot have a single negative thought I must just completely believe in the fact that I am deserving and this is the outcome and this is what I want to happen and if I veer off that for a minute then I've screwed it up and I'm not going to manifest my dreams and you're saying the complete opposite of that that let it all exist at the same time we don't have to be this pure person that only has good thoughts and I only think good things constantly that that seems like this very sanitized instagrammable manifesting thing where you're doing your cute little journaling and you're only thinking positive thoughts and you're doing your vision board and you never ever veer off of it of course that's not real life you know shit's happening all over the place constantly that's completely out of our control people are going to piss us off people are going to say things we don't like people will say no we're allowed to have negative thoughts feelings but it's going back to that self-compassion of i'm a human of course i'm going to have a whole mixed bag of stuff i think that's the bit that has irked me about manifesting this sort of i must be a pure person that doesn't do anything wrong or say bad things yeah i mean that that pure person doesn't exist right so if we were in that dimension it's it is a load of old cobblers it's it's a yeah it's it's basically it's a total load of yeah what happens is is that that's toxic positivity yeah so that becomes it becomes something to then you know self-flagellate like completely punish ourselves like we want to do all that stuff we every day we're waking up thinking how can i give myself a hard time about something right let's not give up start giving ourselves a hard time about how we're not the perfect manifestors okay you can have there are two truths in life all the time it's called dialectical truth and two truths can exist at the same time so for example someone can pass away in hospital with cancer or you know and you're it's so sad and so and this has happened to me and it's so awful and so sad you're so devastated but you're actually really relieved that they're not in pain anymore that's the truth that you're holding and you really want them to be alive right so these two truths dialectical truths it's not either or it's and can exist at the same time so I always say allow you know that day when you wake up and you're like I don't really feel like I deserve x that's okay let that be there and then meet that with a sort of a compassion you know or you you you see something on you know you see the la fires or something's happening that's really upset you or you are grieving you know these things are like this is what life is this is the stuff of life we want to meet these experiences because that's the fullness of life we want to be the person who is moved by something and feel sad about something like oh i'm feeling really sad i'm not the perfect manifesto in this moment no but you're human and we come back to that you know sense of i deserve it doesn't it doesn't rock you completely but this idea of i've got to be perfect or i'm not enough is a nonsense yeah a hundred percent a nonsense so when we allow that and that's what when these words become real like when we actually say i'm not feeling so great today i don't really know if i deserve i feel a bit nervous i'm anxious about that or wow but we notice it we think oh okay I'm I'm triggered I'm getting triggered right now so or I'm this feeling of I'm noticing this feeling of shame inside me and I get that that you know I I see that and I I see you and I'm going to just meet you with acceptance and some compassion and a little bit of love and we're going to work this out you start to adult you start to companion yourself you start to companion yourself so what is self-love what is it what does it really mean when I when you say I love myself what it means is when you're having that moment of shame that real feeling of I got this wrong I've let someone down that rather than spiraling okay we step into the heart and we sort of go okay let me hold you let me hold this feeling and meet it with some a little bit of space a little bit of a breath a little bit of a pause you know and and be with you and meet you differently rather than going straight into that spiral recognize that spiral like oh my god you know it does it starts to move and then it starts to take over so then it starts to sharpen physiologically and as anxiety or whatever it is and we're saying we're gonna we're tweaking that it's a big tweak because I think for the majority of us it's all of this is unconscious behavior we don't even realize that we're I know I did it yesterday I beat myself up about this one thing just on a loop and I couldn't get out of it and it wasn't until I've sort of had the awareness of like what am I why am I doing this to myself I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person that's you know felt like this before or is clinging on to one negative thing and obsessing about it it feels so alien especially the first time you do it to not walk down that route of calling yourself every name under the sun and thinking you're the worst person on the planet and meeting yourself that part of yourself with compassion it feels so alien that's not a reason to not do it but I think it feels utterly absurd the first time you do it and you you let yourself off the hook essentially yeah well all of this feels really unknown doesn't it so when we anything the minute you if you're listening to this and you're thinking wow like I don't know you know I've never been to a therapist or I've never I don't this doesn't make any sense to me but because it's all new when something is new it's new you know and as we get older that the on the not knowing or that that aren't the unknown it's kind of like wow like it's scary like you said it's a bit scarier still you know like what that's it's oh I'm standing on the edge of that what do I do if I just I I go over that cliff like am I going to fall what's going to happen but actually you know the the most important thing to to recognize and remember is that this is is this part is backed up by science too so it's we do create new neural pathways right so that's what happens when we start to and and they do happen with those kind of really a bit in the beginning kind of itchy scratchy like you know like you can imagine in the car and you're kind of pressing you know like reverse you want to go into that cul-de-sac everything's putting you into that cul-de-sac spiral spiral spiral it's way it's what you know it's what you do you know something happens and then boom you're in the cul-de-sac and you'll start you'll start there for the duration because that's what you know that's what your body knows that's where you go so to kind of start reversing out of that you don't really know how to reverse because you haven't really worked that part of this you know this this operation yet so in the beginning it feels really weird it does but every time we do it and so I say and I do say this because that moment of awareness that you happened hallelujah it's all it's just yeah these are our seeds it's all we need we just need to start somewhere we all have to start somewhere so that moment of awareness asking that question of like hang on a minute like why why am I doing this yeah do you think it's essential to go back to childhood to look at where these blocks started is that something that is worthwhile doing in the context of manifesting and wanting to work out what you want out of life what I've understood in my process when I you know is that we all we have to understand the root of where these things come from and that's also I would say rather than this idea of some people get overwhelmed by that thought you know having to go back do I have to go back really but I want you to think of this as your treasure trove this is and we spoke about it at the beginning like how do I get back to the my authentic self well imagine your treasure trove imagine this big chest of stuff and it's locked and it's in the middle of your room right so remember our room we switched on the light okay so now we can see what's in the room and there's certain things in there that we want in there and there's certain things we don't want in there we get to open the curtains we get to open the windows we get to create the right type of space for us and that's what knowing ourselves is you know I want to create a safe space for me to be and and the first thing to do know thyself so in the center of this room is a big chest and we've got to open that chest it's locked right it's all it's on lockdown and yes we're going to open that chest and in there it might be some murky stuff but this is also our gold right so remember that our all every single thing we've been through has made us you know we are who we are today because of all of those experiences the good and the bad and everything in between and what we want to do is just be with all of it because we turn the trauma into wisdom okay because it is our wisdom our whatever we've experienced when we bring that into the light we open the chest and we're like okay I'm gonna take my inner child out of this chest right now and I'm gonna put her on the sofa and I'm gonna hang out with her and I'm gonna let her know that it's it's okay to be here it's okay to be in the room it's okay to be noisy it's okay to be artistic it's okay to be shy it's okay to be what You know, it's okay to cry.

43:24Whatever you want to do, do it. I'm here adulting. That's what reparenting is all about. Yeah. And it's safe. It's safe to be you. So that moment is an integration. That moment, she's not stuffed away in that box anymore. This is a treasure trove. She becomes, she's added to your energy in a beautiful, bright way because she is beautiful and bright, right? That's why we want her back. We don't want her stuffed away in the darkness. So these things, the reason why the return to childhood is important is because we are recovering parts of ourselves. And, you know, shamans call it soul retrieval.

44:00You know, psychotherapists call it, you know, these are the abandoned parts, the abandoned parts of ourselves. But we really learn about how we abandon ourselves by understanding how our child was abandoned, because that is a pattern, right? So however your child is abandoned is how you'll abandon yourself. So guess what? We've got to go back to her and we've got to get her on the sofa we've got to feed her properly we've got to tell her that she's okay we've got to say it's going to be all right we've got to tell her that she's beautiful we've got to say yeah you know what you you're actually quite good at writing or drawing or singing or don't worry if you've got dyslexia we'll figure it out so these these these are the things that she is yearning for still inside you so while she stays in while she stays in that in the in the treasure trove okay then that little voice she's calling to you and every time you say no no no no no you're leaving her in the cold and that's what i always say to people this is hannah burner from giggly squad o-pill is the first over-the-counter daily birth control pill available in the u.s let's be real getting a birth control prescription is not always easy and it's so much admin in fact about a third of women face barriers to access prescription birth control between scheduling appointments missing work class or just trying to exist it's a lot but now opill is putting birth control in our control opill is a daily birth control that's fda approved full prescription strength and estrogen free and 98 effective when used as directed grab it online or at most major retailers no prescription or doctor's appointment needed so if you're thinking about birth control check out opill to see if it's right for you use code giggly for 25 off your first month of opill at opill.com That's code Giggly at O-P-I-L-L dot com.

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46:54The word abandoning feels really key because I can look back and think, you know, probably again yesterday, I completely abandoned myself. I know I do. I just go, I'm ditching you. Bye. See you later. I'm checking out. And actually, it was so interesting yesterday. I was talking to a friend and I said, I know that sometimes when people are talking to me, I've checked out and I'm listening. But I've I've thought of a hundred other things because everything's too intense and I want to do a bit of a runner. And they went, oh, yeah, no, I know you do that. I was like, you know, I do that. Yeah, I can see it in your eyes.

47:31What do you mean? You've checked out. I thought I was just discreetly doing that. But I can sense when I'm doing it, when I'm like, it's all too much, eject. And I'm just, you know, I've shot off somewhere. I can't handle it. And I think probably a lot of that, again, is to do with, you know, being exposed to lots of different people and feedback and just putting my fingers in my ears and going blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I think once you've recognised that, okay, someone told me I was this one. Somebody said I shouldn't do that. And you're, you know, and we're now talking about we need to parent that younger version of ourselves then we're at the place where maybe it's habit it's habit that enables us to not abandon ourselves so often perhaps and start to rebuild new neural pathways new more positive habits not trying to be a perfect person but just to write some of those little slippery slopes we end up on what then how are we manifesting let's get to the bit where we are we've got a clearer idea of who the hell we are and now we're looking to the future or the person we want to end up being or the sort of life we want to lead where do we even begin well when we return and we we're in that place we actually know what it is that brings us joy so like i like we've spoken about already the things that we thought may have brought us joy so i see that a lot you know in my practice people come to see me and they're like i'm this high power person and and and but now I'm thinking this isn't making me happy so we we get to allow that question in okay remember before we wouldn't even we wouldn't dare look at that question because we're so defined by the mask by the role by you know how we've survived how we've made ourselves palatable how we've made ourselves lovable and accepted and you know I'm defined by this look at this and actually when we we get into this place of bringing all these parts back to ourselves then we we kind of like I don't really feel that I need that anymore I want to look at this this is where this is the sort of life I want I want to lead this is where I find my joy and that truth because ultimately when what is it what does it mean to live your truth speak your truth and be your truth the truth has more power than anything else and so as an a frequency when we talk about frequency and vibrations everything's made up of energy yeah when we're in sort of embodying that truth that's when we get to really manifest so that's when we sort of and we can manifest in the beginning allow your vision board I mean I've got a whole chapter it's called the cosmic canvas and a whole chapter about manifesting allow it to as you're getting to know yourself to sort of be quite malleable like it doesn't have to be I want this job or you know it can't but maybe it's I want a job that really makes me makes my heart sing I want a job that I get I want to get up and do but also pays the bills you know obviously all of these things are real this is real life but you can you you you can afford to give yourself permission to want and to experience more joy yeah I think that feels more sensible than pinning everything because I've done that I've thought I'm going to write this book it has to be a Sunday Times bestseller and all these silly lofty very specific things that I'm setting myself up for failure immediately because if that exact thing doesn't happen then I you know I feel like shit because I've pinned every bit of happiness but actually if you go I guess more for a feeling I want the outcome to make me feel worthy and loved or excited or joyful whatever it is that feels like a much more sensible plan to to go for feeling rather than a a direct outcome and I guess again that's probably the Instagram programmable manifesting trope is you know you want that thing go you know it's yours go get it rather than how do I want to feel yeah how do I want to feel the feeling is a really important part of that because because the universe does respond to the feelings when we're embodying feelings the universe also responds to specifics so it does respond to specifics but what would be really useful is to think you know that feeling and embodying that feeling of like I feel so complete I've written this book and I'm feeling on top of the world because so many people have sent me messages saying how it's changed their life or how they love this book or you know we don't have to get into the Sunday time we don't have to get into but it's actually that feedback and also what you're seeding I'm seeding the novelist in me the great novelist in me I'm meeting the great novelist that this lifetime my destiny you know forget about all of the stuff on the outside think about the moment you know because remember life is so short it's long and it's short, it's so brief.

52:13So when we take our last breaths on the planet and we look back at the lifetime, you know, just to have met the great novelist in you is enough, is more than enough because we can trust that the great novelist in you is great and she's going to write some phenomenal books and they're going to be, you know, whether it's this one or the next one or the third one stays on the New York Times bestseller list for, you know, 10 weeks or 10 months or 10 years, whatever it's coming because actually this underbelly this deeper thing of my destiny my joy like I'm going for my truth I'm just like let her be great so that sends different types of messaging you know it's different types it's not fear-based no and also I think what we get obsessed with is timing like we go well I've done eight boards mood boards and I've been saying this affirmation for the last six months on repeat and it's not happening and what it doesn't work We think that this stuff is a linear time scale.

53:13If it hasn't happened within 12 months, we go, I'm ditching it. I'm out. This is it's clearly not working. Whereas I don't think linear time necessarily correlates to what we're talking about here. It does and it doesn't. So it's again, it's both. But it's like it's how we approach the thing. So again, like what I'm hearing behind your approach is that. It's not happening quick enough. Yeah. I'm impatient. I'm a Virgo, I've got shit to do why is my manifestation not happening today? I was about to say it's quite Virgs, right? Very Virgs and I get that because I'm hashtag Virgs I am rising sign Virgo so I get that myself it's when we do manifesting we do have to go, it's not white knuckle okay, so we have to really think about, it is energy and it does work so I will say that, like it does actually work but there are some tweaks that have to happen in there and one of them is the letting go that the surrendering part is really important.

54:09That's hard, isn't it? Yeah. I'm not very good at that. Yeah. So that thing about... I'm a control freak. Because remember, well, remember, so remember that control. Yeah. Remember when the lack of trust is not trusting the universe and it is white knuckling and you're in something. So then when we think about the vibration, you're sending out a vibration with your manifestation that's like, happen now, happen now, happen now. It's fraught. It's fraught, right? So what we have to do is just go... Yeah. It's just, I'm going to let you go. And sometimes to create that new neural pathway, because it's not easy, I'm not saying it's the easiest thing in the world, but it's possible and we can do it.

54:42We just have to say every time I let you go. New York Times bestseller, Sunday Times bestseller. I'm putting it out there and I let you go. And it really, but with that, with that, that intention. We're not clinging on. We're not clinging on. Clinging on is fear. Clinging on is I don't trust. Clinging on is it's not going to happen. I don't I'm clinging on because I don't believe you I'm clinging on because I don't believe me okay so it's that thing of I'm late I'm just gonna let you go yeah this is ringing true um as well as making perhaps a vision board are there other very practical things that we can do whether it's daily or weekly or when inspiration strikes that we have a feeling of the direction we want to head in?

55:30What can we be doing to help us really stay on track in a non-toxic way with letting go in mind, just to get us in the, again, habit of thinking positively, rewriting this negative self-talk we've got to move in the right direction? Well, again, I mean, there's different ways to do that. So if it's a wellness hack or, you know, affirmations, they do work. Affirmations do work. I love Louise Hay, big fan. Well, Louise Hay is amazing. So she's my publisher. And actually what happened with Louise Hay, that was one of the first books that I read, You Can Heal Your Life. Incredible book. Which is incredible.

56:09And she breaks it down. So she breaks down mirror work, you know, standing in front of the mirror and speaking to yourself. Because often what happens is we hate the image of ourselves. Like we can't even look in the mirror and say, I love you. Can't even look in the mirror and say, you're beautiful. So it's a really good place to start. There are some very basic but very effective wellness hacks that work. The mirror works one of them. Affirmations is another. I feel like actually watching the cycles, more people are tuned into this now. I've been doing full moon meditations for over 25 years.

56:44But one of the reasons why is because it brings you into a kind of a bit of a momentum, a bit of a cycle that just noticing the cycles, the sacred cycles that are existing and being in relationship with those two. Because actually, then we start to because a lot of the stuff, a lot of the time we spend in our heads worrying. What we want to do is take ourselves out of our heads and we want to just be right. Right. So that being really supports our manifestation, really supports our manifestation. Just that those moments of alignment, just, you know, and that's why taking a few moments to just breathe, to meditate.

57:24But if you haven't got time to just do an affirmation on the bus. And I also say on your way to work or whatever it is, but noticing the full moons and the new moons, because they happen every two weeks and they're quite a nice every two weeks and then every every every four weeks. And also, depending on the moon, depending on the full moon, you get to release whatever that full moon is about. So each full moon has a different medicine. So, you know, Virgo full moon will be in its light side. You know, we can harness the power of organization and getting things done and, you know, really so sort of intelligent and really creative.

58:00Amazing problem solvers, Virgo. we want to harness that but then in the shadow can be over critical can be you know really um over controlling all of those things so we get to every month look at the full moon and then release what it is whatever we we get to just think about that thing sort of okay this is a full moon in aries and i can be sometimes too impatient or i can you know and i don't finish things and i need to let that go so that can really help just in terms of bringing us back into whatever that our sort of true essence really yeah I think like you're saying moments of rest are so key because when it comes to manifesting and the way that it's talked about today it does feel like it's this actionable relentless thing that we need to be doing rather than having the moments where you are cognizant of what you want and and how you're moving towards it teamed with moments of nothing which we're so bad at and that feels like a healthy way of looking at manifesting rather than you've just got to keep focused and you've got to keep thinking of this thought and you've got to keep moving in this direction it's actually about having those moments where you're doing sweet fa and you're just being we're all bad at that well remember with all of these things i mean ultimately what we want what we're what we're all looking for is we're looking all of us are looking to to feel peace and to feel joy but mostly to feel like we're enough okay ultimately it's all about did I allow myself to love you know and did I love like but to the fully you know did I love myself fully and so that's all it's all about okay and when manifestation comes in as a practice and it's not helping you towards that you know it's not helping you with that remember we do these things concurrently like stay stay curious you know you can have a practice but stay curious it's not about just getting wrapped up in that practice in that in that practice and you know giving ourselves a hard time every day about about that practice and how we're getting it wrong how we're not showing up to that because that just becomes like everything else it's just a rod to kind of you know give us a hard time you know to beat us with it's not about that it's it's about this bigger picture of coming back to ourselves.

1:00:15You know, manifesting ultimately is just when we're in flow, we just manifest, we're in flow. So, you know, we're in the flow of who we are. And as you show up more authentically every day, you speak your truth, you speak your boundaries. You say, I like this and I don't like that. I love that about you, but that's really hard for me. What happens there is we're manifesting the life of our dreams. right and ultimately that that vision board i i want that i want that car i want that's just gonna be manifesting more of that okay and ultimately that doesn't bring us happiness no what brings us happiness is i'm in the car i want to drive and i also i i'm enough i'm enough without the car that i want to drive you know so so it's this thing it's this thing of really not getting swept up in these in these kind of zeitgeists of you know oh this is a thing you know energy is we're all energy and this is what we need to spend our lives doing but it's we we want to spend our time feeling you know where's our happy place right like that ultimately when all said and done and it's you can see that anywhere like in all of the things that happen around the world you know when you're running from a fire what do you take right you take your you obviously your family but your your cat your dog you just want to get out of there yeah right Right.

1:01:38And also it's this is this is all we this is what we have. This is we're born alone. We die alone. And this is this is what the lifetime is about. So let this, you know, let this be your manifestation. And when we talk about manifest your true essence, let this be your greatest manifestation, your return to yourself. You know, that's the greatest manifestation. It's the greatest gift you can ever give yourself. Oh, my God. Hallelujah. Where is your happy place, Estelle? yeah that's a good question my happy place really ultimately is with my animals it's you know I have my son he he's he is my happy place you know you know what we know what motherhood's like and it's sort of you know but these and my partner and you know it's the people that I love but also I really get a lot of support from nature so I need to go out into nature I do I do the walks like everything that people talk about you know I that is on Instagram it does work so when you go for a really good walk or even 20 minutes actually you get to rewire the brain you know the brain just rewires so my happy place are those moments of silence I and but and but then it's also dancing on tables because I love you know I'm a Sagittarius moon I love a party I saw a meme on the way in today and it was like this one person with a DJ and like the one person because the DJ keeps playing great tunes and I was like, and I'm like, that's me.

1:03:07That's me, yeah. Completely like, that's me. And I'm usually there with my, you know, with my iPod doing whatever, you know, with my phone. But basically it's like, it's all of it really. The moments of, the moments of silence, the moments of connection, being in nature, being around my animals, being around people I love, being around my friends and dancing on tables. Dancing on tables. It can all exist at the same time as we've discussed. absolutely this I mean it's absolutely flown I feel like we've really knuckled down on what manifesting is in its truest form without the bullshit without the glaze of Instagram we've got to the bare bones of it and that is exactly what I wanted to do and I'm extremely grateful and love spending time with you thank you Estelle it's been such a privilege thank you for having me Fern so much absolutely loved it oh god Estelle That was, for me, like having a little therapy session.

1:04:04I bounded out of that studio, feeling ready to conquer the world, manifesting and my own precious heart. Estelle's book, Manifest Your True Essence, is out on April the 8th. I would pre-order your copy now if I were you. I've read it and it's fucking great. As ever, these big conversations don't end here. What I really want is for the podcast to be a jumping-off point for your own chats that you go and have with your mates and with yourself. actually once the episode is over if pos and of course we can carry on exploring everything together on instagram at happy place official is where you'll find us a massive thanks to estelle to the producer anushka tate at happy place studios and to you go and say something lovely to yourself in the mirror now you beauties

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