Why don’t you like yourself? Gabby Bernstein: How to stop numbing difficult emotions

0:00Hello, a massive welcome to Happy Place with me, Fern Cotton. This is the show that gives you tools to understand yourself better. Today, I'm chatting to Gabby Bernstein. You manifest what you believe. So you can do all the manifesting tools in the entire world, and you will keep manifesting the same core beliefs that you have inside of you. And you may attract something in your life, but you still feel like shit. And so the reason that self-help is the biggest manifesting flex is because it actually changes your core beliefs. and when you change your core beliefs you change your point of attraction and when you change your point of attraction that's going to become a magnet for what you do want well gang i hope you're doing okay i hope that your summer is going well so far i'm in that funny middle bit in between happy place festivals we've done gunnersbury park it was beautiful and we're gearing up for tatton park which i'm bloody excited about actually and if you're a parent like me i hope that you're managing the juggle it is full on um i've actually done some really nice things.

0:59I've tried to book a few fun things. I'm taking the kids to a Concord museum soon. Never done that before. I've seen a bit of stand-up comedy lately. I'm trying to watch more because I just love belly laughing. My new favourite comic is Cat Cohen. If you've not heard of Cat Cohen and you want to laugh, oh my god, she is truly brilliant. She has like a sort of comedy cabaret show, which she incorporates sort of cabaret-esque songs into her stand-up. and she's just so naturally talented and funny. I've loved watching her do stand-up this summer. So, so brilliant. And I've booked myself another escape room.

1:36Do you remember me telling you ages ago that I did my first ever escape room? And actually, when I first got in the room, I was like, what is this? I don't understand. I had no clue how to get out. And then I got so utterly obsessed by the idea of it. So I'm going back. I'm going back for more. Got an escape room planned with my friend Lavashney. Can't bloody wait. I hope whatever you're doing, you're having a good one. Maybe you've come to this podcast today because you just need a little bit of you time. I hope that you get that, even if it's just this hour long chat. I really do. You need it and you bloody well deserve it.

2:09And Gabby is the person that can encourage all of us to do that more. I really love Gabby. She came on the show a couple of years ago now and we did that one remotely and we became really good friends afterwards. I've actually seen her a few times here in London. I've been to New York where she lives and hung out with her a couple of times. And she's just such a good egg and her books have been incredibly helpful for me. So knowing that I'd get to do a chat in person, I was just absolutely thrilled. She's known as a real role model for a new generation of spiritual seekers and launched her Gabby coaching app in the hope of democratising spiritual self-help.

2:45because she can basically be your coach anytime, anywhere. And that's exactly what she's going to do in this episode today. We talked about the topics in her latest book, Self-Help, including what the internal family system therapeutic model is. I didn't really have too much of a clue, so this was really interesting. It's weirdly got nothing to do with family, so stick around for that. We also talk about why it might help you really understand all the different parts of your character, particularly if you're the kind of person who gets really lost in worry and anxiety or in self-loathing or shame me me me me me and actually it quickly became clear that I personally needed a bit of a moment to check in with how I was feeling so Gabby did a really lovely little session with me which you'll be able to follow along with too so you might want to be somewhere nice and quiet for this episode if pos If you're a smoker or vapor ready to make a change, you really only need one good reason.

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4:34expert. That's U-P-W-O-R-K.com. Post a job for free and get started today. If you're a maintenance supervisor at a manufacturing facility and your machinery isn't working right, Grainger knows you need to understand what's wrong as soon as possible. So when a conveyor motor falters, Grainger offers diagnostic tools like calibration kits and multimeters to help you identify and fix the problem. With Grainger, you can be confident you have everything you need to keep your facility running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click grainger.com, or just stop by. Grainger, for the ones who get it done. Hey, I'm Dr.

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5:43Right, let's do it. Here's the show.

6:08We'll unofficially start, Gabby Bernstein. I'm so excited to see you in real life. I could burst into a million pieces. I just, I love you so much. I just said that I have certain friends that I feel like when I see them, I want to get into their womb. And you're on the short list. Okay, I'm here for it. Of the womb friends. You can jump into my barren womb. It's so good to see, because the last time I saw you was exactly a year ago. It was. At the Happy Place Festival. But we didn't get to do this. You just did this gorgeous talk where you had the audience in the palm of your hands. And it was such a lovely, calm and serene setting.

6:42And everyone was just glued to you. It was beautiful. Well, it was such a vibe there. It was fun, wasn't it? It is a vibe. So I wish I could have been there this year. I know. Well, you're extremely busy constantly. And for people that don't know our backstory, I've been a fan of yours for a long time. Like I've read your books for years. In particular, there was this era. It was probably around 2016, 2017. I was having like terrible insomnia, panic attacks. I was just mentally not in a good place. And your books were just such a guiding light for me during that whole period. My mum was the first person to give me one of your books.

7:19Shout out to Lynn. And it was just so comforting. And then I just gobbled up all of your books. You've written so many great books now. And obviously we've become friends since me. We were instant friends. There's a, again, the womb friends are the ones that are, these people I meet, always women, where women are gay men. And I meet them, but it's mainly women. And it's only probably like a short list of five people. And you were one of them we met. And I was, I looked at you on the Zoom and I was like, we're going to be best friends. We're going to just be, and we could go a year not talking, but then pick up in no time, like nothing changed.

7:55I love it. It's pretty amazing to have those kinds of connections. It's so nice. I've seen you obviously here a couple of times. I've been to New York, see you a couple of times. We've done some nice FaceTiming, but we haven't. You took my kid to the stands. Yes, I took your kid to see the Roller's concert. It's Stoja's first gig. What a pet at the stands. That was such a sweet moment. This is the best thing ever. But then you ruined him for the rest of his life because he's going to be like, why am I not in the front? Every gig is going to be shut for a while. Why am I not backstage? It's so great.

8:21It's so good. But this is really special because I've wanted to quiz you about so many things. And I want to get stuck in, first of all, to your brand new book, which is called Self-Help. It's not brand, brand new, but it's new. And this book is so interesting because you've really honed in to one particular set of principles and one subject like never before. So this book, Self-Help, is all about internal family systems. I didn't know so much about this before reading the book. Can you tell us about your initiation to the subject? I didn't even realize I was being initiated. I was in therapy with the same therapist for about seven years.

8:55And that therapy was based on the principles of this IFS, Internal Family Systems Therapy. I didn't know that. I was just doing the therapeutic work with her. And one afternoon, it was in 2022, probably right around the time I met you, 2021, I was watching a YouTube video. And it was an interview with this man, Dr. Richard Schwartz, who is the founder of this therapy, Internal Family Systems Therapy. And he started describing the therapy. And I just left out of my seat. I was like, that's the thing I've been doing for the past seven years. And to hear him describe it and define what was happening in the therapeutic session made something click inside of me.

9:35It made me realize that's what I've been doing. This is the purpose of that. I got to know more. I really quickly, it was right around the time I started my podcast, Dear Gabby, and I invited him to be, it was you and him were probably like one of the first five people on the show. I'm totally serious. and he came on and we became instant friends like you and I I said to him I really feel like it's my job I don't know why I am psychic and I said I have an intuition that I am supposed to democratize this work in some way that I'm supposed to carry this message and he was like well I would really recommend that you get the training and I went on to apply for the training and the training is now only available to therapists and I was one of the last people to go through this this training that was not a therapist.

10:20So I've given this great gift from the universe, just go get trained. I did a level one and level two training alongside all these therapists and became a practitioner in internal family systems. And as a result, felt so grounded in the process that it was clear to me that I was now equipped to teach it and write about it. And here we are. And IFS healed my life. It helped me really recover from deep trauma. And it has allowed me to feel the greatest essence of myself come forward. And I always say that I wrote the first nine books I wrote, I feel like I wrote for myself first. I had to heal myself to write those books.

11:02This one I wrote for the reader because I'd already had the healing experience of IFS and I knew that I had to share it. And so I can explain to you what IFS is. This is what we need to know. Because again, I kind of heard the term being battered about, thought I had a loose understanding of it, but you have done exactly what you wanted, which is create a toolbook that we can all work from. You don't have to go and get the therapy necessarily. I mean, obviously feel free if you think it works for you, but this is something we can read your book and understand how to apply this to our own lives.

11:32So tell us more about it. Okay, so internal family systems therapy. Here comes your matcha. Here comes my matcha as we're about to talk about IFS. Juice me up, Jess. Thanks, babe. Look at that. There we go. Matches your eyes, Jessica. What a dream. That's amazing. Love a matcha. That's going to really get me going. She's going to be on fucking fire now. Christ. Three sips, I'm in. Okay. So here we are. You hear the name Internal Family Systems Therapy and you're going to think, oh, that's about my family. It's not. It's about your inner family of parts of you. So we all have lots of different aspects of ourselves.

12:10So if you've ever been like, well, a part of me gets really outraged when my partner does this, or a part of me gets really shut down when I feel anxious, or a part of me wants to numb out with alcohol, or a part of me does a part of me does a part of me does. We have these parts of ourselves. And if you'd ask those parts of yourself, how long have you been around, you're going to be like, well, they've been around forever, for as long as I can remember. I have a part that's a controller. I've been controlling my whole life, you know, ever since the pigtails when I was a kid. No bumps in my pigtails, just controlling.

12:42And we've had these protection mechanisms forever. Why? Because they were put in place at a very young age. As children, we all experienced some form of trauma, whether it was trauma with a big T or trauma with a small T. Maybe we were bullied or maybe we had an alcoholic parent. It didn't matter how extreme the trauma. We all experienced something that was too impermissible for us to manage as a child. And not only was it too much for us to manage, but we didn't have a caregiver or a parent or someone out there that was going to actually help us process it. And as a result, we were stuck with it.

13:18We were left with it. And these are feelings of being unlovable, feelings of being inadequate, feelings of being of terror, not being good enough. And we couldn't process it. So right away, as very small children, even infants, we built up protection mechanisms. So protection mechanisms, like if I wasn't seen as a child, you have to be perfect. If I felt out of control as a child, I had to control everything. If my son, when he was three, he was bullied by a kid, right away he learned this protection mechanism of I've got to fight back and be the big boy. This is stuff that happens that young.

13:54And when we have these protection mechanisms that aren't tended to, like I did with my son, I helped him process it. But most people didn't have Fern as their mother or Gabby Bernstein as their mother. And so what happened was we build up these protection mechanisms that we carry on through life. And then we build up more and more and more of them. And then we live our lives very disconnected from our true essence because we're living from protector to protector to protector. And we are missing the miracle, which is inside all of us is our truth, which is self. And self, with a capital S, is the spirit within us.

14:35It's the God within us. It's the compassion, connection, courage, curiosity, confidence. It's a true essence of who we are. But that essence has been blocked. It's our childlike presence. But it's been blocked because of these protection mechanisms. So you mentioned that control, you realize control was one of your protector parts, this barrier that would come up and it stops you from looking at what's beneath. It stops you at looking at maybe the problem or the deeper trauma. So when we would have the deeper trauma, which in IFS is called the exiled part. Okay. So the little traumatized child, we locked it as a child.

15:12We were like, never want to feel that again. Then lock them up, you know, put it down. And so we started protecting against it to not have to feel it, to mask it. So when the little traumatized child gets activated, so for example, when I feel out of control, my controller becomes very hypervigilant and she's on fire. You know, we have to do it this way, we have to do it that way. She drives people crazy, particularly Jessica, who bought me the matcha, my husband, the people that are closest to me, the people that I, you know, love the most often are the ones that have to deal with the controller the most.

15:43Vice versa. You know, I have to deal with my husband's parts too. So when we get triggered, then the protectors come out. And there's different forms of protectors in IFS. There's the managers, which is like a controlling part, which is the kind of day-to-day protection mechanism. So perfectionism, controlling, people-pleasing, maybe something along the lines of numbing out with YouTube. But then when those parts aren't working anymore, when things get too extreme, when the flames of the fire are too, too extreme, the motions are too high, we bring in what it's called the firefighter protectors.

16:20And those are the addicts, the suicidal ideation, you know, the drug addiction, the love addiction, the porn, all of the ways that we can say, I'm going to do whatever it takes to put out this fire. And that's an extreme protector. In my book, Self-Help, we're only really working with the managers. We're trying to get to know them and befriend them. And to close this, the reason it's called self-help is because that self-energy inside of us never left us. A practitioner of IFS says that self is like the sun behind the clouds. And when the clouds dissipate, the sun can emerge naturally. And so when we are in that self-energy, we're resourced.

17:00We're in our adult, undamaged, resourced, unburdened self. and as we start to tend to and care for these younger parts self emerges and that self energy of compassion and curiosity and connection can actually be the internal healer and her parent to these young parts of ourselves yeah and we become self-help self-led leaders do you think we need to get to the bottom of what the original pain was about because i was telling my mom about this the other day my mum I'm not saying anything that she wouldn't say she's been on the podcast before she's been on the podcast yeah she's been on the podcast and she's pretty open talking about stuff and she catastrophizes wildly but also worries like big protector to the next degree of like yeah spirals and the anxiety is huge and I was saying oh I've just you know I was in that annoying thing I've just read this book and that's a protective part and she was like fascinated but also said, well, I don't know what's beneath it.

18:02I don't know what it is. How do we get to know what we're trying to cover up? Is that part important to work that out? No, no. And yes. I mean, I don't think that knowing the past necessarily is the path to recovery. I think that we can work with these parts of ourselves safely on our own when they're when they're the day to day parts with their therapist, if it's something more extreme. But in my case, I didn't actually remember why I was an addict or why I was so hypervigilant or why I didn't remember the trauma from my childhood because I had a big protector, dissociation, just checked out.

18:42That's a protector. That's a big one, just blocking the memory entirely. When I was 36, that memory came into my mind and my consciousness, and I had to actually really do the work to heal that. But the memory is still there, even if you don't remember. It lives in your body. It lives in your cells. It lives in your viscera. It lives in your mind day to day, but you don't necessarily have the words for what it is. Yeah, yeah. So it's just the awareness. Because I think it's so tricky to move from, well, I'm just needing to control things. Or I'm really fucking angry. or I just can't stop worrying to, ah, this is a protector part.

19:25Like having that step back and that awareness, that is hard because we're so habituated. Like this is stuff we've been doing for years. I was reading your book going, well, I know what all of mine are. Mine is definitely a controlling thing. I want to micromanage everything and be in control. Typical for entrepreneurs, yeah. Yeah, and also people pleasing. I think I'm coming out of that slightly, but that used to be a big issue for me. that was a big protector for me as well. And also worrying and anxiety, which again, I'm sort of, feel like I'm slightly removed from now. I've done a lot of therapy on that.

19:58But it's really tricky to go, oh, okay, this isn't, I don't need to, like I am aware that I am worrying disproportionately or I am aware that I am trying to micromanage everything. Having that awareness feels so alien because you're like, well, this is how life works. This is how I do things. And when things feel out of control, I get really uptight and I want to control everything. How did you go from being in it, being lost in those emotions, those big feelings, those protected parts to, ah, I can see what this is? Well, I did a lot of therapy with it, but I think that for the newcomer and that's just beginning with it, I think that, and I, and this is also me practicing my own four steps that I've created is being in the daily ritual of checking in with these parts of yourself without having to actually even know them or define them.

20:51So you could know, OK, I have a belief that holds me back. Or you could know I have a protection mechanism like control. Or you could just say, I actually have anxiety. Or I have an undesirable feeling that's kind of always around for me. Or I know that I'm addicted to YouTube or whatever it is. It's an undesirable feeling. It's a belief. It's a pattern or behavior. And typically, we don't want to deal with those feelings and patterns and behaviors. We just keep checking out with them. But in this practice, it's about checking inside. And so the first step is to choose to check in instead of check out.

21:25Yes. So just making that decision. I'm going to just focus my attention inward towards this experience, this feeling, this emotion that is undesirable. And so you choose to check in. You focus your attention inside. The second step is to become curious about this part. So you start asking some questions. So where does this live in my body? What do I know about it? How long has it been around? Are there any feelings or thoughts or sensations attached to it? And you just kind of tease it out a bit and offer those questions and listen. The third step is compassionate connection. And this is where you would ask this part of yourself, what do you need?

22:04and then you listen because these parts will reveal things that will blow your mind it'll be it'll be i need to rest i need to dance i need to be they want to be like kids again and there's this journaling you would say is a good way of getting those there's a whole chapter called let it out which is where you can just journal with the part starting with choose to check in then curiosity journal the curiosity then journal the compassionate connection what do you need and let your pen flow and then the fourth step is to check for self check for the c qualities of self and those qualities. Do I feel more calm?

22:35That would be self. Do I feel compassion towards this part of myself? That's self. Do I feel some curiosity? Do I want to know more? Self. Do I feel confident, courageous, creative, and clear? And that's self. And so you would go through these four steps for one minute a day, and that's enough to start to get into relationship with these parts of yourself. Typically, we walk around and we just hate these aspects of ourselves. I hate that I worry so much. I hate that I get so controlling. Listen, I was in my controller part yesterday. She acted out. She was being a bit of a bitch and kind of really activated.

23:11She was super activated. Something wasn't in place that needed to be in place. People weren't handling it the way she wanted it done. She kind of freaked out. So then what did I do? I was on another podcast later in the day and I'm just teaching this with the same types of questions. and I said, you know what, let me just show you right now how I would do it. So I self-helped myself on the show. And within one minute, I started feeling better because I was able to forgive myself because that part of me was activated. I gave curiosity and compassion and calmness to the part. And by the end, I felt compassionate towards that part, had clarity about why she was acting that way.

23:52I call her a she. I had a calmness around it and I had enough courage to actually apologize. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so important because I think we're all so full of judgment, aren't we, towards ourselves? Like you say, you know, we don't like these parts of ourselves and we beat ourselves up and that's actually blocking us from looking at any of it because we then sort of sink into shame slightly. Well, of course, like if Rex came to you or Ali came to me and they said, you know, mommy, I'm so I hate myself. I'm so mad at myself or I keep doing this bad habit or I did something bad or I'm really feeling anxious, which you've dealt with, right?

24:26Yeah. Of course. What would you do? Oh, my God. You'd just go, come here. It's all fine. We'll talk about this. We'll sort this out. Let's talk about this. You'd be compassionate. You'd certainly not be judging. We are so mean to ourselves. That's right. And then how are we to our own inner children? We're horrible. We would never treat our real human children the way we treat our inner children. No. We really wouldn't. We never would.

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26:29That's why I show up in FIGS. FIGS are made for the sometimes crazy situations I find myself in. It doesn't matter if I have to squat, sit, bend, or even chase after one of my patients. FIGS moves with me and keeps me comfortable in the highest pressure situations. Figs gives me one less thing to worry about Get 15 % off your first order by visiting wearfigs.com And use code FIGSRX at checkout That's wearfigs.com, code FIGSRX But I think it's that awareness piece is so key Like even this morning before I came here I was doing my radio show And I was interviewing a guest Who's written a brilliant book about anxiety And she's a comedian, she's very very funny Called Susie Ruffell And we were talking about anxiety and it was all quite kind of jokey.

27:15But I had this moment of, oh, my God, you know, you're saying here this is a daily check-in. I have been really slack on any daily anything recently. It's been like, oh, my God, scrambling, school run, race to work. Like everything's been a rush. And I sort of knew things were sliding a bit, but wasn't doing any kind of check-in whatsoever. I was racing from thing to thing. And last night I was playing catch with my son with this like rugby ball in the garden. And I hadn't associated this with anything mental health wise, but I was playing a game with the universe again, going, right, if I don't catch the next ball, something terrible is going to happen.

27:51You know, this awful thing that I don't want to happen is going to happen. And I dropped the fucking ball and then I was panicking. And I was like this morning when I was chatting to her, oh, my OCD is a little bit back. Right. OK, what am I going to do about that? Whereas last night I didn't even think it was OCD. I was like, oh, that awful thing's going to happen because I dropped the rugby ball on the floor. And it's because I'm racing around. I'm not checking in and going, are you actually doing all right in there? How are you? No, I'm knackered. I'm racing around trying to do too many things.

28:22And I'm certainly not being compassionate towards myself. Do you want to check in right now? Yes. We don't have enough time to hang out. So let's just do it freaking here. Go on then. Let's do it. so what part is up with you right now what's the part is it what's a feeling a belief anything that's running the show at the moment i mean all this all the stuff that's coming to i'm overwhelmed certainly um feeling a little bit kind of anxious nervy slightly out of control um and like i'm chasing my tail and like i'm just sort of dropping all the balls all the time let's check in with the anxious part okay because there's actually um this is really helpful for your listener.

29:03Yeah. Because there's a chapter in the book called anxious parts. And it's, I think, the sleeper hit in that book. I think that there's a there's I think I should just write a whole book about anxious parts. Yeah. And what what that Oh, here we are. I have another book now. But there's, there's this presence of anxiety as something that we think is just something that happens or something that we are, I am anxious. Actually, anxiety is a form of protection. Anxiety is a protector. Now, there's, of course, instances where people have biochemical conditions. I have an anxiety disorder, which I believe is definitely originated as a protector.

29:45And then my brain took over. Right. So I definitely believe that there is there's need for medication when medication is needed and prescribed. Yeah. And I think that's a tool. And I also know that learning to relate to your anxiety through therapeutic processes is another extraordinary and important tool. You can't do one without the other. You can, but I wouldn't. So choosing to check in with the anxiety. Let's not talk about it. Let's just do it. But first, can we just take one moment to identify that it could be a protector, right? If I'm anxious, I don't have to deal with these deeper impermissible feelings.

30:19If I'm focused on the anxiety, if I'm focused on heart palpitations, if I'm focused on the hypervigilance, then I don't have to deal with these deeper wounds. Okay. Yeah. So let's choose to check in. I have your permission to check in. Step one is complete. You can even close your eyes if you feel comfortable for it. Okay. So just gently focus your attention inward and just pretend like you're with me just alone. And I know you can do that right now. And just take a deep breath in and let it go. I'm going to invite all the listeners or viewers to check in with us as well right now to their own anxious parts because everybody has their own form of anxiety right now and so focus your attention inward and then offer some curiosity to this part of you and just let me know you can speak to me and just let me know where does this anxiety live in your body oh chest chest yeah okay are there any other physical sensations or attached colors or anything sometimes around the temples the head the head around the sides maybe okay your head and your chest is there any color or any any other images that come to mind maybe blue i don't know why okay are there any thoughts or sensations or images that are attached to it?

31:45I think at the moment I'm just, it's all sort of parenting, kid related sort of anxieties I'm going through. Okay. How long has this anxiety been around? Oh God, a long time. Ten years. Can you ask the anxiety how old it is? Yeah, I think it's actually older. I think it's probably like very old like young meaning like it's been around forever yeah like it's been around forever I was young when it kicked in yeah so young it's a child yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah okay is there anything else it wants you to know right now?

32:27well I just had a nice little thought in my head that was like you're safe you're fine like it was yeah nice it was like you're safe nice so there's some self coming in Yeah. Now with that connection and that self activation, let's extend some compassionate connection to the part right now and ask the anxiety, what does it need? It needs it needs the compassion and. The sort of messages like I need to let myself off the hook because I'm very hard on myself constantly. can you let it know that you're willing to let it off the hook right now just in this moment yeah does it know that that you're here with it yeah okay let's let that settle in so take a deep breath and just send the message to the part to the anxious part that you're in this moment with me you're safe to let it off the hook right now just just for right now we're gonna just give it some space let's give it one more deep breath just let it know that you're going to let it off the hook right now and now notice how you feel what do you feel now I mean I feel I do feel a hell of a lot calmer actually how do you feel towards this part of you well I feel like I'm like probably listening to it for the first time so you have some clarity around it yeah yeah yeah yeah do you feel any compassion towards it yeah massively yeah yeah are you curious to know more at some point yes okay yes always always curious okay and you feel connected to it yeah yeah to a degree I think I feel like I don't know the full picture maybe but I definitely know that you know it's there you know it's there I know that that is driving a lot of it is being hard on myself not giving myself a break you know like we talked about not having that self-compassion you would to another person all right so let's take one last deep breath and just let that go and just let that part know that you have one minute a day and you have four steps and you're gonna just maybe make a commitment to it to do one minute a day with the fourth yeah i can do one minute a day you could do it with me too you have my app and you could just yes and i can guide you through it oh my god honestly that's i know that that's what i need to get into is the daily thing one minute a day one minute a day i spend so much i spend like hours looking at shit on the internet i shouldn't be looking at your day i'll give you you'll have the app right there and you can just do the self-help check-in with that part before your day begins that would have been very handy when i was like dropping the rugby ball in the God and thinking that my life was about to end.

35:20Right. Well, the first thing you could do that would really help in those moments is just recognize, oh, that's my protector. Yes. This is sort of what Eckhart Tolle would call witnessing the ego. Yes. Just witnessing and being like, there you are again. Oh, I'm not going to self-sabotage my life. My protector is trying to reveal something to you. Yes. Oh, okay. You need some connection. Yeah. And then the nice thing about this prescription that I have for everyone out there is it is deep work to turn inward and to focus our attention inside, but it's not that it has to be a lot of work. It can be one minute, four steps a day.

36:05Obviously, the more often you do it, the works if you work it. But that one minute in the morning of choosing to just tune in and focus your attention inward and go through those four steps has the power to completely change the rest of the day. And then, of course, if you have another activated moment, check in again, check in again, check in again. And then it becomes so ingrained. I mean, it's in my system now that I'm being interviewed on a podcast yesterday and I'm doing the check in because I showed up and I was in a bad place. I was mad. I was nervous. I was scared. I was back in a place where I had to do something that I like work related that I was just frustrated about and I was annoyed by it and so what I just use the tool live in real time yes so great and I guess the more you're aware that these parts of yourself that you know aren't great whether and that's without judgment but you know you don't want them showing up a lot whether it's the control or the anger or whatever it might be the more you have that awareness I'm imagining the more you start to work from a very true place of like you say, self with an S.

37:08You're working from that truly authentic place where you're not clouded by ego or judgment or fear. You're working from that realness. Well, remember, self is calm, which was the first word that came out of your mouth. Self is compassion, which you said. Clarity, which you said. Connection, which you had, right? Curiosity, you wanted to know more. the confidence to keep going, the courage, the clarity, it's creativity. You're in self when you're writing, you're in self when you're, right now you're in self because this is your art. And so when we just have one minute and we can go from a 10 of all-time high extreme anxiety to a zero with back to self, self can help.

37:59The steps are rooted, the steps of curiosity, compassionate connection those steps those four c's there's the choose to check in curiosity compassionate connection and then check for self those four c's are self-guided practices to allow the part to feel seen yeah that little child inside to feel seen to feel respected to feel compassion and then to calm down yeah i know i feel like i could almost have a nap i feel so I can't. That's a good sign. After doing that. Makes me, I'm always tired after anything. I always yawn when I'm in therapy. Yes. I fall asleep sometimes. I'm so sleepy. For people that find the compassion bit really tricky, which I'm imagining is most people listening.

38:47I certainly have a tough time finding that self-compassion. I think most of us, we've been conditioned, whether it's through media, you know, just stuff that we're imbibing, through just being a human walking the planet we're conditioned to not like ourselves very much and you know and that comes from all directions in life we have to work so hard to like ourselves which seems absolutely wild if you're having a real tough time with that bit what you know whether it's you know that this anger that keeps showing up in your life you know whether you know that that's ego or not it can be very hard to go you know and that's all right I still like myself I like myself deep down i think most people think well i don't i don't like myself or i feel a bit indifferent or you know very few people especially british people are going to be like yay i really like myself i'm really forgiving of myself how do we cultivate that it's such a tricky one the four steps because if you just try to say oh i'm compassionate towards myself that's bullshit yeah right or oh i'm just gonna just forgive myself no these four steps there's a whole chapter called self-forgiveness and there's self-compassion that happens through the four steps.

39:56You have to choose first to check in. You have to make the conscious choice to look at the part. Then you have to offer the curiosity. And then you have to offer the compassionate connection by just merely asking, what do you need? And then let the compassion emerge naturally, just like I said earlier, that self is the sun behind the clouds. And when the clouds dissipate, the sun emerges naturally. You can't just turn the lights on. You can't just open the shades and the sand's there, you have to let the clouds dissipate first. And that's going to take time. I mean, I'm in a pretty good headspace apart from these odd little blips of anxiety and OCD and all the things that we sort of encounter as humans.

40:33But there was definitely a period back in my early 30s where it wasn't as if I was just sort of saying, I don't like myself. I thought I was a bad person. Yeah. And I think many people out there have that. They're like, I'm bad. I don't deserve good stuff. I don't deserve forgiveness. How the fuck do you get out of that one? Because I just luckily did it through years and therapy. Yeah. But I'm sure there are more effective ways. Well, listen. Or quicker ways. I think that the choice is the first step. Because I always say that your happiness is a choice you make. And a lot of people might be like, well, screw you.

41:09Because I can't choose to be happy when I'm having this difficult moment. And I have to say, well, those are the moments, the most difficult moments are the moments when we need that choice most. because choosing instant joy isn't necessary, but choosing to do whatever it takes to get back to self. And so the choice is really the first step, is just making that conscious choice to say, I'm going to actually see what's happening inside. We are trained to push down what's happening inside, anesthetize what's happening inside, I'd numb it out, check out, and stay in this sort of comatose state. But that's not going to work anymore, Fern.

41:52We are in a really humongous global crisis. Not just the horrific things that we're seeing, but the energetic frequency of this planet at this time is at an all-time crisis. It's an all-time crisis. And so the way that... And I know this sounds... It's going to sound doomsday and a little bit existential. but I have to go there because I've been channeling this a lot lately. And so I'm using any platform I have to speak about it, that those of us who were in this work of what I would might call light work here that we're doing in our own unique ways of bringing forth messages of healing and messages of spirit and messages of hope and faith and optimism, we're first responders right now.

42:36Okay. And anyone out there that's in any form doing this kind of work. And so it is our responsibility to not only to number one, do it for ourselves. Because when our vibration is clearer, and that's why I'm going to say, you know, you have to, as your sister, as your friend, you have to check in every day. Yeah, I'm doing it. Because you are a beacon of light, not just for your family, but for many, many people. And I'm sorry, but it's a big responsibility and you signed up for it. Okay. Your soul said, I'm coming here to do this. And so you signed up, you signed the contract, you came here and you're doing it.

43:05And so the responsibility is on us to do the inner work, to commit to the inner work, to be the presence, than to carry the message. Because the only way to sort of balance the chaos of these times, you can see I'm channeling right now, but the only way to balance these chaotic times is by individuals transforming their vibrational frequency. It's absolutely imperative. And it has to happen one person at a time at a time at a time at a time. It's just light turns on, light turns on, light turns on, light turns on light turns on and it's not like our burdened parts of us disappear overnight is that we just have more and more access to self and for anyone that's in a leadership role or has an actual platform really that's everybody these days we all have a platform we have to be at a better frequency it's the only it's the only way to to support humanity right now yeah and that you've got to have self-compassion to do that because you you need to want to help yourself you have to put your own oxygen mask on first yeah you can't we can't be walking around wounded healers we can't be the angry activists we have to we have to alchemize the anger and bring it into power we have to to heal the wounds to actually step into the energetic frequency that we can offer we can't we can't we don't have time to carry around the baggage and expect to be of service we have to heal ourselves and then we have to show up.

44:30That's it.

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46:11You said something that really stood out to me. I'm just trying to, I've underlined so many parts. But you say, using these principles, you'll no longer be a victim to your past or the future. And I think again there, and I put this, I can only speak from my own personal experience, but for a while when I was in a bad place mentally, I didn't realise I had a choice whether I was a victim to things that had happened or not. I just thought they've happened and my life's shit and nothing makes sense and I don't know what to do. and actually now this bit further down the line I can see not only the positives that I've taken from a really big road bump but it was way worse than that but like a big black hole but also that I've got the choice whether I linger in that and I keep obsessing over it or whether it's you know looking at whatever or stepping out of it and going right that happened this is what I've learned but I will not be victim to that anymore we do have a choice and it's hard but we do have a choice yes do you choose to be the victim of the world you see or do you choose to learn from these experiences and do whatever it takes to get closer to consciousness because the difficult most difficult moments in our life are oftentimes the easiest to choose the other choice because we have hit such a bottom that we have no more coping mechanisms to work with us so we have to just make the choice.

47:40Oftentimes the choice is to survive. And that would be find ourselves in that 12-step room or find ourselves that therapist or get back on that self-help healing path, whatever that might be. But I think that the message that's coming through for me so clearly is that those coping mechanisms that once worked for us won't work anymore because so many of our comforts are being taken away. And we're being assaulted on a daily basis with horrific visions because of not that there wasn't always horrible things happening in the world, though things are quite amplified right now, but we can see it all.

48:16It's all in our face. It's just all day, every day in our fingertips. And so we're being assaulted. And so we have to have tools to withstand the shaky times. And I believe one of the greatest tools is having unshakable faith. yeah yeah faith's a tricky one when things are going very badly because again you can you can really spiral and think well you can be quite nihilistic what's the fucking point I don't I can't see any light in this situation if you're if you're feeling completely lacking in faith how might you again turn to it or try and cultivate it well I think when the during the good times is when you want to exercise it as much as possible so that it's there for you in the tough times.

49:01I recall a time in 2022 where I had done nine, in 2020, I did nine rounds of IVF and I finally got one healthy embryo and I carried that baby for five and a half months. And at the five and a half month mark, I had to have an abortion because the baby wasn't going to survive. And that was a pretty terrific moment that oftentimes too many women have to face. and I remember my girlfriends being like, you know, what, what do you, how are you going to get through this? And I looked at them and I was like, this is what I've been training for. That's when my faith held me like a blanket. I kept leaning into my faith and kept saying, show me what revealed to me what I need to learn from this revealed to me the, the miracle in this.

49:49And, you know, I kept saying when I got that healthy embryo, well, all you need is one, all you need is one. And I remember when we were in the doctor's office and the doctor said to my husband, I do have any other embryos? Cause we could tell things weren't looking good at the five and a half month mark. And my husband said, all you need is one. And then I had to let that one go. And now, a few years later, I have one healthy child. And what I recognize the miracle is, Fern, is that all I need is one. All I need is one. And the only way I was going to get to that choice was to exhaust all the other options.

50:24And so that wasn't a fun way to get there, but it was how I had to get there. you know the universe isn't always going to give you what you want it's going to give you what you need yeah and I need one that's that's that's very suitable for for for my family yeah and for my energy and for my livelihood and and for my child yeah do you know what I found it astonishing because I you know I was getting to know you through a bit of that process and I heard you talk really publicly about that whole journey and um it's incredibly generous of you to do so because it's not easy to talk about stuff like that when it's very personal and it's really hard.

51:01And also that roller coaster that you're going on very publicly, like it's bloody full on. But, you know, but that story, I think for so many women out there is, you know, comforting and soothing and helps people feel less alone. And it's a faith story, right? It's a story of me coming to hitting a bottom with such a horrific experience that many of us have in our own unique ways. And being able to sit in that and say, okay, God, show me what you'd have me learn from this. And I felt that. I felt this is what I've been training for. And this is what I've been counseling people on for over almost two decades at that point.

51:41And I was blessed to be able to witness the miracle of my own faith. Yeah. That's why working your faith in whatever form that comes now when things are working out decently, that it will be there for you when you need it. Yeah. Yeah. Again, it's a daily practice. Yes. It's the daily. Another quote that I really loved and it jumped out and I underlined it from your book is we cannot make long lasting changes to our internal experience through outward adjustments. it seems as though the majority of us are living in the complete opposite way yeah we're constantly trying to tweak things in our outer world so we feel better and we soon realize it does very little or it's very short lasting yeah whether it's oh my god i don't you know it could be something like i don't like my job i'm leaving or i don't like where i'm living i'm gonna move to the other side of the planet or whatever we'll always be met by ourselves we will go with ourselves wherever we go yeah it's a tough lesson to learn i've done it loads of times you've got to do this inside bit which is longer more tedious can be more painful and is daily forever i'd say that's always kind of the bad news with this great work is forever because it gets easier and it becomes more fun it becomes more natural and then you want more of it because it's like going to the gym you know you you do it more often the more you want it the the better you feel.

53:10And it just had such great benefits that you're just hungry for more. But I think we're so trained in this day and age that we want the quick fix. Tell me the thing and I'll do it for a month and then everything will be fine. No, this is like daily work forever. And, you know, I'm using the term, it's the bad news. I'm sort of, I guess, being slightly hyperbolic because it is, it's something that we all know will work if we do it. There is a guarantee that if you do small practices or this inner work consistently, consistently you will get results it will work yeah i i think that we have to sort of give ourselves the choice to first look at our lives and say well how is this working out for me without doing the work right how's that working out for me and and then have this sort of unraveling of what am i going to do with this what is what am i going to do with this one sacred life and what's the choice i'm going to make we uh well i've asked my audiences in the last few months, I've been standing in front of these thousands of people and I'll say to them, okay, how many of you have read my book, The Universe Has Your Back?

54:12And the whole room is like, yeah, the universe has your... How many of you read Super Attracture? Yeah, Super Attracture. And then I'll say, how many of you read Self Help? And like 15 people in the front row are like, yeah, you know. And I look at all of them and I'm like, first of all, I'm like, I get it. You know, the book says in big red letters, Self Help. But I wanted it to say what it is on the tin, as you guys would say, because I wanted it to really be in your face. This is what you're going to get out of this. In retrospect, I probably should have lied to them because

54:43these people come, they want to learn how to manifest. I'm like, you want to know how to manifest. This is the only book you should ever read if you want to manifest because you manifest what you believe. So you can do all the manifesting tools in the entire world and you will keep manifesting the same core beliefs that you have inside of you. And you may attract something in your life, but you still feel like shit. And so the reason that self-help is the biggest manifesting flex is because it actually changes your core beliefs. And when you change your core beliefs, you change your point of attraction.

55:14And when you change your point of attraction, that's when you become a magnet for what you do want. But most importantly, you feel good. You feel more calm. You feel more confident. You have more clarity and creativity. What is the energy of manifesting? What is your super attractor? Hello, phone. Shut up. what is your what is the energy of manifesting and what is your super attractor energy it is self energy so you know then i say that and then the bookstore in the back just piles out i was like i want to send it but it's but i but i mean it it's like if you really want to manifest self-help is the book how would you say these principles have changed your life personally okay first you could ask the people that are closest to me you could say hey jessica hey, Zach, hey, you know, hey, Ollie, how's your mom doing?

56:03And they'll say she's still paying the ass, but she's a lot better than she used to be. For me, I can say I have so much self-compassion. I have a tremendous self-awareness. So I can know in the moment when I'm in a part and I can now speak for the part rather than as the part. Or I can maybe be flooded and overwhelmed by the part, maybe sort of taken over by it for a moment, and then I can come back and speak for it and say, hey, this part of me took over and I just want to apologize and take care of that. And it's a little bit of a dance and it's a flexibility. But imagine all humans live like that.

56:40Oh, I just acted out. That was a part of me that's not really my highest self. Let's repair. Moving on. And then the more and more you do that, the more and more you actually can be in the presence of the part and not actually act out as the part, but actually say, part of me is really activated right now. And I'm going to do the best I can to work with that. I was listening to, I had the privilege of being asked to write the introduction to the re-release of Dr. Wayne Dyer's book, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life. And it was like one of the biggest privileges of my life because he was my mentor.

57:17And I was listening to, re-listening to the book before I wrote the intro as in Australia listening. And there's this beautiful lesson. It's in democratizing and channeling the Tao Te Ching and teaching it to us. And it talked about just sort of reputing the ego almost, just repudiating the ego. So looking at the ego and just almost being in stillness with the ego, not do nothing and just be the witness of it. And I thought about that from a standpoint of my parts. And I thought, okay, well, you know, I have a part that wants to be like really, you know, sometimes wants to gossip or talk, talk about other people, or I have a part that sometimes wants to tell everybody about myself, you know, like enough about me, let me tell you about my book, you know?

58:02Totally. And so I've been in this practice of just witnessing the desire to do that. I was doing it today, actually, because there's a part of me that wanted to like, kind of say something kind of judgy. And I was like, don't say I was saying this to myself like abby just sit in the discomfort of not saying anything and just being with the feeling of what it is that you want to say and it's life-changing yeah it's uncomfortable it's mind-blowing how uncomfortable it is particularly with gossip or judgment because it's such a high you can't temporary high such a high they actually wrote a really good book called judgment detox another one that people didn't read um like you know maybe like a hundred thousand people not as many as i would have like go read judgment detox yeah it's so good um it's really good again bad title i should have named it like should have named it like manifest everything you know and everyone would have read it but because i actually should re-release that with the new title um sneaky but that but that was really just this witnessing the judgment witnessing the desire to just do it, to be in that space and sit with how uncomfortable it is to not speak anything about it.

59:13Yeah, but oh my God, it saves you so much hassle and stress and a lack of energy and you stop judging yourself. And then you don't have to go through the judgment cycle, right? So you do the judgment and then you judge yourself for the judgment and then you feel that judgment you don't like on yourself so you judge somebody else again and it's just this loop. A vortex of judgment. It's a vortex of judgment. Yeah, it's a fucking great book. how have we run out of time already i feel like we've only just got started i know because we just want to hang out longer because i know we need to do a part two most definitely at some point but before you go off and do another million things before you leave the uk gabby bernstein where is your happy place oh i'm actually going to my happy place tomorrow one of my happy places comporta oh yeah but my real happy place is my home yeah yeah my home just being with your family my cats my son cats oh your cat is so beautiful there's two there's two now was there was two there's two they had their bangles one's white one beautiful one's white and fat and one skinny and brown i've seen the brown skinny one you got their spots they're like leopards they're so gorgeous they really are cats are the best i always bring a chat around to cats somehow you know i think that that's actually the last thing I'll leave with is like a real great tool for healing right now is get a pet.

1:00:36Get a pet. I think it's going to be really necessary. Yeah. The cats in particular, if you can, if you're not allergic to a cat are so self-regulating. Yeah. Their purr actually completely changes your nervous system. Yeah. And they actually are known to clear energy, negative energy. And that's when a cat sits on you and just rests on you. And I do a cat meditation every day for an hour every day oh this is the dream this is what i do i lie down myself and i say jimmy blue it's time to meditate and she's just she comes and she's and then she you know starts doing the like kneading the kneading the knitting yeah right on my chest lies down purrs so loud and heals me it's the best thing it is the best feeling the first thing i do when i get up is i go into the kitchen i pick up frank who's this big black fluff ball.

1:01:24He's a baby, basically. And I can just pick him up like a baby. And I just stand there swaying, rocking him, sniffing him, talking to him in a really patronising voice, like a baby voice. Oh, the baby Frank! Like this. For like ten minutes. And that's me sorted for the day. And you're so right. It's calming, it's soothing. I would have a hundred if I could. I know, I kind of want more but my husband would never let me. I'm going to get more. Do it. They're the best. Kittens. yeah little kittens that's what I knew as a little baby that's a great end note that might be my kitten face honestly people heard me talk to my cats and go what is wrong with her oh I speak Spanish to my cats they're like hola gatas como estas buenos dias they're like why is she speaking Spanish we're American they speak Spanish and English they're bilingual Gabby you're a dream thank you so much I love you so much I love you so much thank you oh Gabby I love that I really love that little moment for me to check in I always get a bit embarrassed doing that sort of thing so I think oh god I sort of worry about am I saying the right thing and that is so the opposite of the point of it like am I answering her questions in the way that she wants am I saying the thing that she thought I would say it's so silly um but actually once I relaxed into it I really enjoyed it just having a little bit of self-reflection really really necessary and I love the book the book is brilliant self-help it's out right now let's have a natter on instagram about the whole thing at happy place official right you lovely lot until next time a massive thanks again to Gabby to the producer Anushka Tate at happy place studios and to you I love you loads

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