9 Self-Love Lessons That Will Change Your Relationships

0:05Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Jillian on Love. Today is a really important episode. I am going to be outlining nine very important aspects and lessons about self-love and self-acceptance. And I think that self-love is something that is really misunderstood. I don't think that we, it's not like we have to completely love ourselves in order to have a good life or in order to have a good relationship. But we also can't dislike ourselves. and because if we dislike ourselves, we're not going to have a great life. Even if amazing things are happening in our life, we're just, we're not going to be able to receive it.

0:57I do believe that the journey to self-love is lifelong. I think self-esteem is the backbone to, of all relationships and, you know, obviously with the relationship with ourselves. But when I talk about self-love today, I'm not just talking about self-care, even though self-care is part of it. I'm not talking about it in terms of, you know, bubble baths and doing something nice for yourself. Although I really think that that's actually highly underrated. it's more that we have to be able to hold ourselves in high regard in spite of the fact that there are parts to ourselves that we might not particularly like or there are parts of ourselves that we that we struggle with so that even with our understanding that we are imperfect and flawed that we still believe that we are worthy.

2:08There's a whole lot of people walking around not feeling worthy. And some of that starts in childhood. Some of that starts a little later in life, depending on the experiences that a person had. And it's incredibly important. It's incredibly important to be able to say, you know what? I can look at the parts of myself directly in the eye, and it may be kind of uncomfortable, but I still accept myself. I still believe that I am worthy of good things happening to me, worthy of love, worthy of the things that I desire. Here are nine crucial lessons in self-love and self-acceptance. that I believe is going to be game-changing.

2:57Okay, so number one, surrender to whatever you cannot change. That is huge. You can't change another person. There are certain circumstances and realities to your life that you can't change, but you can change yourself and decide how you want to respond to who another person is, how you want to respond to the circumstances of your life, and the meaning that you give it all. And this is actually huge for self-love and self-acceptance, because it's really hard to accept and love ourselves if we cannot accept how our life is or isn't, or how people in our life are or not. One of the most important acts of self-love is accepting reality rather than constantly fighting against it.

3:58When we love someone, when we care about someone, it's natural to want them to make choices for themselves that are in favor of their highest good. It's natural for us to want them to behave differently, especially if by behaving differently, we feel better in relationship with them. when we really care about someone or when we really want to be in a relationship with someone. We want it to continue. We want it to be as we want the relationship with them, whether that's a romantic one or a non-romantic. When we want our relationship with this person to reach its fullest potential, sometimes the only way that can happen is if the other person changes some of their behavior.

4:55Unfortunately, we cannot dictate another person's journey. And the more that we try to control or change someone, the more they will dig their heels into the ground and resist us. Every single one of us will try to protect our autonomy. So if someone is trying to change us, we are going to register that as control. and we are going to push back and control. So this becomes particularly painful in relationships when we spend years or months feeling frustrated, angry, and resentful because someone refuses to change. Or it's one of your parents that we know that if they just made these different changes or a sibling, that they would be so much healthier and they just refuse.

5:41And it's like we take it personally. And you have every right, if you're in a romantic relationship, to decide that someone's choices, lifestyle, or behavior no longer works for you. You can disagree with their decisions. You can grieve the relationship you hope to have. You can, like I said, you can decide to leave. But you cannot force someone to become who you want them to be. And so when you stop trying to change the people and circumstances that you have no control over, you actually free yourself from the absolutely exhausting cycle of resentment. And that is a huge act of self-love and self-care.

6:29And occasionally, although it's not a guarantee, when we stop trying to control another person, they sometimes become more open to changing themselves. So the lesson is you have to be able to allow people to be who they are. You have to focus on the things that you can control and let go of the rest. And you are going to not only feel proud of yourself for doing that, because we all know that we can't change, and to be able to let go of the things that we can't control is like giving yourself a giant hug, honestly. This episode is brought to you by Nutrafol. After more than a decade of research and innovation, Nutrafol Women just got its most significant upgrade yet.

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8:15That's Nutrafol.com, spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com, promo code ONLOVE for$15 off. Number two, stop giving second chances to the people who consistently either mistreat you or just do not reciprocate love. They consistently fail you and do not show up for you. Not everyone deserves another opportunity to be in your life. And there is an important distinction between someone who makes a serious mistake and takes responsibility for it because we're all human, and someone who repeatedly mistreats you or repeatedly just acts like they don't care. Relationships actually can recover, some of them, from difficult experiences.

9:06Some relationships can recover from infidelity. I've worked with people who have recovered from infidelity, but only when both people are genuinely committed to accountability and repair and then the process of rebuilding trust. But that is very different than a relationship that's characterized by chronic disrespect. And so be particularly careful about giving another chance to someone who repeatedly cheats or lies, constantly criticizes or belittles you, makes you feel that you're just never good enough, that nothing you ever do is enough, neglects you or stonewalls you, gives you the silent treatment, makes you fear for your emotional or physical safety.

9:52I mean, if you are really fearing for your safety in that way, it's never, ever let them back into your life. Someone who repeatedly breaks promises without changing their behavior. Someone who refuses to commit while expecting continued access to you, like just to hang out with you or to sleep with you. Or you just consistently feel anxious, confused, or diminished by being with this person. And so when someone demonstrates or has demonstrated a persistent pattern of mistreatment, you do not have to keep giving them opportunities to be in your life. In fact, you really shouldn't. I mean, you can care about someone and still recognize that they are not good for you.

10:38You can miss someone and still refuse to return to the relationship. And you actually can forgive someone without allowing them back into your life. For some relationships, blocking all contact and moving on is the healthiest decision, if that's possible. So the lesson here is that self-love is very much rooted in self-respect, and it means refusing to reopen the door that has just repeatedly led to a lot of pain and abandonment. Number three, practice reacting less and learning how to respond instead. In fact, it is like one of the greatest acts of self-care and self-love is learning to create space between what happens to you and how you respond to it.

11:30And you are going to fail a lot. But you got to celebrate the wins when you have responded differently to something that you usually really react to. I mean, that's like, that is a huge feat and something worth acknowledging and celebrating. Like, we all have emotional triggers. Someone will say something to us that reminds us of a parent or a former partner. It'll remind us of a painful experience, and suddenly we're, like, no longer in the present moment. We are in our history. And our minds create a lot of stories. Our minds are storytelling machines, and we make these assumptions, And so we project this onto other people when we feel triggered.

12:19And then before we know it, we're reacting to something that may not be true, or even if it is true, we're overreacting. There's more to the story. We're not really reacting to what happened. We're reacting and, and to everything else that happened in the past. If you are a very reactive person, it's often a sign that something inside needs some attention. You might be particularly tired or exhausted. You might be hungry. You might be feeling very overwhelmed, just feeling sort of emotionally dysregulated. So much of this, like the secret sauce to this, is slowing yourself down. So before sending that text, before sending that email, before making that phone call, You want to take a deep breath.

13:11Sometimes it really helps to make sure that your exhalation is longer than your inhalation. And you have to ask yourself, like, can I just give myself five minutes? Can I just give myself five minutes? And you take that five minutes, and then you kind of ask, like, is this like, what am I reacting to here right now? Like, am I just like in a bad mood? food? Am I hungry? Could this be about something else? You know, you might have to take a walk. You might need to eat something. You might need to drink some water. You might need to just talk to someone to like flesh it out. And then you respond when you're more clear.

13:54And this isn't about suppressing your feelings or pretending that nothing bothers you. But it is the ability to experience strong emotions without allowing them to send you into a complete spiral. This is what emotional regulation is. And it requires practice. And for some people, a lot more practice than others. But still practice. This episode is sponsored by Skims. And guess what? I am wearing a Skims bra as we speak. I love them. And I love their underwear. Like, and I actually, oh my God, wait a second. I swear to God, I did not even realize this. I am wearing Skims pants right now, like kind of like lounge pants.

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15:14Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop-down menu that follows. is. Number four, learning to be very direct and honest about what you want and what you need. So being honest about your needs is an act of self-respect. It's also an act of respect for whatever relationship you're in because people can't, it's very difficult for someone to meet your needs and to even attempt to give you what you want if they don't know. You know, they cannot read your mind. It's like sometimes honesty and talking about this can be very uncomfortable, but to be brave and to practice this is really game-changing.

15:59For example, in a dating scenario, some people might be very put off by your honesty, and you will scare some people away, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Like, when you're dating, like, being honest about your intention helps you discover whether someone wants the same kind of relationship that you want. And you can say something like, I'm dating because I want to get married, or I'm dating because I eventually want something serious, or this is something that I need in order to feel emotionally safe with you, or communication is extremely important to me. This is something that I'm really working on, especially when things are difficult, I like to sit down and talk about things and make sure that we don't go to bed angry.

16:49But to be clear, being direct does not mean being aggressive. You can be vulnerable, you can be warm, you can be thoughtful, and you can be honest at the same time. But you also need to recognize that having these doesn't mean that someone else is obligated to or has the capacity to meet all of them. Secure, healthy relationships require conversations. They require flexibility and an understanding of both people's needs. So you have to know what you can and cannot live with. So, for example, you might recognize that you cannot be happy in a relationship where you have to pretend to be perfect or you cannot, you can't discuss difficult subjects, or you feel like you can't be vulnerable.

17:40So the first step is becoming honest with yourself. Because until you acknowledge your own needs, you can't communicate clearly to someone else what you need. So be honest about who you are, be honest about what you need first with yourself, and then with another person. Number five. Like a true act of emotional maturity, and I believe truly self-love, when it comes to romantic relationships, you prioritize someone's character over anything else. It doesn't mean that the other things don't matter. I mean, I'm certainly not going to date someone just because I, only because I like their character.

18:19There's got to be other things. There's got to be chemistry. There's got to be aligned values, all of that. But someone's character, who they are on the inside and building your own character being able to recognize that your value is not about how you look or how much money you make or the clothes on your back. It's about developing who you are on the inside and developing your own integrity. And it's recognizing that you can have incredible chemistry with someone, but they're not relationship material. And one of the most crucial aspects of self-love is developing discernment. So when you're desperate for closeness, when you've been bored, and it's been a long time since you've been physically close with someone and emotionally close with someone in a romantic way, and like you're afraid of being alone or being alone forever, it just, for all of us, like it just becomes a lot easier to overlook behavior that should concern you.

19:38Because if you're hungry enough for attention, and sometimes we can get very hungry for attention, it's part of being human, but when that thirst is really strong, you may become so focused on being chosen that you stop evaluating the person who's choosing you. So ask yourself, do their words match their actions at least most of the time? Because we're all human. There are times where sometimes we're going to say something and our actions aren't going to align with it. But you want to be looking for the pattern. Are they honest? Do they treat people with kindness? Are they generous of spirit? And ask yourself about this.

20:16You want to make sure that this is something that you're living up to as well. Can they acknowledge their mistakes? Meaning, are they accountable? Do they respect your boundaries? Do their values align with yours? Do you like the way that they conduct themselves in the world? Because someone can be successful, wealthy, incredibly good looking and confident while also being an unkind or an emotionally irresponsible partner. So those qualities definitely make someone desirable, but they are not what establish good character. And when someone's behavior consistently makes you uncomfortable, like it just doesn't matter.

20:57Like no amount of good looks or money is gonna ever compensate for that. Do not dismiss your instincts because you're attracted to someone. It's probably like the simplest thing that I could say and one of the hardest things for any of us to follow through on. Because once those primal instincts of desire are sort of awakened inside of us, it's like it's very hard to be discerning. But you have to be. You know, you have to, quote unquote, love yourself enough to not allow yourself to be seduced by that. And to really cut through the noise and see who someone is on the inside. This episode of Jelly Non-Love is brought to you by Cure.

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22:25This is so important. And honestly, it's kind of become a staple for me in my daily routine. I keep sticks in my purse, my car, like my yoga bag. Like it's just kind of always with me. Cure is the electrolyte mix I've started reaching for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it's become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or save 20 % at curehydration.com with code Jillian. And so really the lesson in that is you can't really control who you're attracted to, but you can decide who you choose to build a relationship with. Number six, please give yourself permission to move on from heartbreak and to love again.

23:08It is unbelievable how much my new book, Rewrite Your Story, How to Step Into Your Power and Get the Love You Deserve. I mean, it is a book about learning how to become secure and love yourself and to let go of the things that are still controlling you. I just cannot wait for you guys to read it. It's going to be next level. And one of the things that it addresses is not being able to move on from either a heartbreak from a romantic relationship or a heartbreak from a parental relationship. And this book is going to show you how. It's going to show you how I did it. It's going to show you how I've taught my clients to do it.

23:46It's going to be next level. So just wanted to say that if you are stuck in some sort of heartbreak, whatever that That heartbreak is like you have to give yourself permission to love again. Just because someone didn't love you well or you've been heartbroken does not mean that your story is over. And even in the healthiest relationship, there's no guarantee that you will never experience pain, disappointment, loss, or grief. To love is to take a risk. People change. Circumstances change. Life happens. And when you've been deeply hurt, whether it's by an old partner or something in childhood, a parent, of course, it's completely understandable to want to protect yourself from experiencing that pain again.

24:36I get it. And you may tell yourself that you're better off never letting someone in again. But it's really, if you want to be free, you have to examine the stories you've created. You have to examine the parts of your past that still are controlling you and preventing you from having the life you want. Like, have you decided that love is dangerous? Like, have you convinced yourself that you're just going to get hurt? You know, if you keep experiencing similar heartbreaks, is there a pattern in the people you're choosing that you have to pay attention to? Like, seriously, one of the greatest acts of self-love is giving yourself permission to move on with your life.

25:31Number seven, stop pursuing, even if you're pursuing in your head, the people who are not invested in you. When someone consistently shows you that they're not interested or invested, you have to let them go. If you're dating someone and they repeatedly fail to make plans with you, or they keep breaking plans with you, or they don't respond to your messages like ever, and they don't even initiate contact with you, just let them go. This is different than going on one or two dates and becoming anxious because someone doesn't immediately text you back. In the early stages of dating, people are still strangers getting to know one another.

26:13But when there's like an established pattern of like minimal effort, just like inconsistency, then you need to recognize that this is happening. So if someone rarely responds to your messages, if they don't make an effort to see you, if they avoid conversations about the future, if they make no effort or show no desire to integrate you into their life, if you feel like you're doing all the emotional labor, let them go. This episode is sponsored by ARIA. So a lot of people, like a very common thing that I hear from couples is that it's very hard to make time for their partner and for like just real intimate quality time.

27:03So whether it's work or kids or both, honestly, by the time the day is over, most people are just totally exhausted. Aria gives you and your partner something exciting to try in bed every month because sometimes you just have to be motivated to do it. So you and your partner will take a short quiz and each month you get a curated, intimate experience designed for the two of you to connect in a new way. It's kind of brilliant. And you'll try things in the bedroom that you had never thought of before. Don't take my word for it. Nine out of 10 ARA couples feel more connected and passionate within four months.

27:37That's a huge accomplishment. So right now ARA is offering our listeners$10 off your first month at getara.com slash Jillian. This offer is only for our podcast listeners. So use my link to get this discount. Get Arya with a Y. So it's get A-R-Y-A dot com slash Jillian for$10 off your first month. You never should try to convince someone of your value. You never have to like work hard to generate more interest from someone, you know, and look, you'll feel rejected and your ego may be bruised, but you will survive. and it's just so much better to protect your dignity and to say, you know what? This sucks, but it's not working out.

28:25Like the person is clearly not interested or just not available, whatever it is. And I'm just going to let them go. So stop investing your energy in someone who has consistently shown you that they are not equally invested in you. Let them go. Stop expecting perfection from yourself. You are a complicated, imperfect human being. And anyone that you decide to love is a complicated, imperfect human being. Yes, some people are more complicated than others, but we're all complex. We all have our stuff. No one is perfect. We all have insecurities. We all have limitations. We all have, like, emotional struggles and sometimes physical struggles.

29:09and we all have a history. So you may struggle with anxiety. You may have really hard and difficult family dynamics. You may have parts of yourself that you're still learning to understand and to integrate. You should not hide these things to be loved. And you should not have to. And no one should have to hide that with you. Good relationships allow both people to be human. So you should be able to admit to someone when you're struggling. You should be able to acknowledge your mistakes, you know, and without fearing that the relationship is going to immediately end. You should offer your partner that same understanding.

29:53This does not mean that you accept behavior that violates you, your values, or your boundaries. It means recognizing the difference between someone's imperfections versus, I don't know, real incompatibility or just not being treated well. You are not going to be the right person for everyone. You're not going to be the right person for every job that you want. And not everyone's going to be right for you. The goal isn't to be perfect. It's an impossible standard. You have to accept the fact that there are things that you struggle with. And the more honest you can be about that, like that is confidence.

30:37That truly is accepting oneself. And it's that self-acceptance that is such a pure expression of self-love. Be open about what you struggle with, with people. You don't, you really just don't have to pretend like you have it all together all the time. Because ultimately, when it comes to a romantic relationship, you really want to be with the person who sees all of you and still chooses you. It's literally the only way. If you pretend like you are one thing when you're really another, it might work for a little while, but it's all going to fall apart eventually. So you got to be real. Number nine.

31:22know the difference between being desired by someone and being valued. Someone can really want you. They could really desire you, which is a great feeling, but without genuinely valuing you. And you've got to learn to recognize the difference. And this might be one of the most important lessons in self-worth. Physical attraction can be very powerful. Someone may want to touch you, sleep with you, spend time with you, even pursue you intensely. and all of that will make you feel special, but it's not the same thing as someone valuing you. Someone who values you is actually interested in who you are.

32:03They want to know what makes you sad. They want to know what makes you happy. There's a curiosity about you. Someone who really values you, they want to know your story. They want to know what matters to you. They want to know what you believe in, what you're passionate about. they they someone who really values you wants to meet your needs they want to see you happy they want to be the reason why you are happier and they want to understand you well beyond the physical attraction in fact once you are physical with them they just they they want to establish an even deeper emotional connection with you They care about you.

32:50They care about your inner world. And this is why building our self-worth is so incredibly important when it comes to life and just relationships. Because when you do not have a healthy amount of self-worth, it becomes a lot easier to confuse all the attention that you might get with someone, from someone with whether or not they actually really truly like you. You may actually give your heart to people who don't appreciate what you're even offering. But when you really truly see yourself as worthy, or let me put it to you this way, you don't have to completely, you don't have to have amazing self-worth to decide that you are not going to continue to invest your time in someone who doesn't value you.

33:46It is the act of saying, you know what, I am going to take a risk and not continue to see this person because I don't feel valued by them. And it's by taking those risks that you develop a stronger sense of self and self-worth. Remember, self-love is not just about feeling good about yourself all the time. It's truly about the decisions that you make. It's about accepting that you cannot change, refusing to be in situations where you are chronically mistreated. It is learning how to regulate your emotions. It's learning how to speak up for what you need. And it's shifting your priorities away from just the physical and towards strong character and integrity.

34:41And really, above all else, it's just learning how to have your own back in life. And this is what this episode is all about. You know, we all need people who support us, who have our back, but there is no one who is more important to have the support of than you. um you are your person um you are your guardian and you have got to um be a protector of your heart and your boundaries and even when you are pissed at yourself and there are just certain things that you just can't stand about yourself you just always have to remind yourself that like you have your own back anyway i hope this helps Don't forget everyone, my new book, Rewrite Your Story, How to Step into Your Power and Get the Love You Deserve is coming out in January.

35:38But I have two very special gifts and more common for people who pre-order only immediately to your inbox. If you pre-order today, you will get my bestselling course, Choose Yourself and my brand new workbook, How to Reclaim Your Self-Worth. So just make sure that you go to JillianTarecki.com slash book. Scroll down a little bit. you'll see where to get your gifts. And yeah, pre-orders really help authors. So I appreciate all your support, which is why I want to give you gifts to show you my thank you. Do not hesitate. This course has changed a lot of people's lives. This workbook people are just already, our inbox is flooded with people saying this is one of the best workbooks that they've ever worked on.

36:20And yeah, until next time. Thanks for being here. Jillian on Love is a Q-Code production executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson produced and edited by Travis Howe music by Will Tendi

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