The 5 Relationship Mistakes That Slowly Destroy Love

0:00One of the most important keys to a healthy relationship and a healthy relationship with ourselves is inner peace and being able to cultivate more inner peace so that we feel better about ourselves, so that we are less reactive, and so that we don't lower our standards and accept less than we deserve. Inner peace is the same thing as being able to connect with ourselves, to accept ourselves, and to regulate ourselves emotionally. And that is why I am doing my first live virtual event in over two years with the incredible Young Pueblo. Young Pueblo is a New York Times bestselling author and is one of the most important voices today on inner transformation and meditation.

0:52And together, we are going to be doing an event where we are going to talk about how to cultivate inner peace why it is so important in our relationships. And then we're going to answer your most pressing questions. The name of the event is called Your Best Year Yet. We really want to set you up for the most grounded and fantastic year ahead. Anyone can sign up, and it is our gift to you. It is completely free with your pre-order of my new book, Rewrite Your Story. All you have to do is go to jilliantarecki.com slash best. And then we will see you on Thursday, December 10th at six o 'clock Eastern.

1:35And again, if you can't join live, you get the recording. This is a very special and rare event. We are not going to be doing this again, not anytime in the near future, at least. So this will definitely be one of the best virtual events you ever attend. So again, jillainterecki.com slash best. And we can't wait to spend this evening with you.

2:03A relationship or a marriage doesn't usually end because people have stopped loving each other. They more commonly end because one or both people have reached the limits of their capacity, and they just don't know how to be happy in the relationship anymore. And it's not that the love isn't real. It's not that the desire to make it work isn't there. It's that they just don't know how to make it work anymore. And the only way out of their pain and their hurt is to leave the relationship. So if someone leaves you, it's not always because they don't love you. It's because they have literally reached the limits of their emotional capacity.

2:58They think that by staying, it's only going to get worse for the two of you, or by staying, they're just going to hold both of you back. The reason why so many relationships don't work or why there's such a high divorce rate is, well, number one, selection. A lot of times we get into a relationship with someone based on chemistry, based on who gives us butterflies, based on a sort of naive understanding of what a relationship entails and what love is. You know, immature love is all about, let me get my needs met. What am I getting from this? It's, you know, I want you to be a certain way. Don't change or just change enough that I'm happy with.

3:47And mature love is, I want to meet your needs as much as I meet my own. Your well-being is as important to me as my own well-being. It's, I'm not here to change you. And we get into relationships with people before we even discover who they are on the inside. And we get into relationships with people thinking, if I love this person, we'll make it work. We get into relationships with people having never had the important conversations before moving in with them or before marrying them about children, about parents aging and then passing away, about money and about career and all these unromantic, about intimacy and all these unromantic conversations that are really hard to have, but they are the backbone of what creates emotional intimacy between two people is knowing these, is having these conversations.

4:59And then even if we do meet that so-called right person and we do, we do have those important conversations, you know, we don't have the tools. You know, we don't learn this in school. We don't learn how to repair after an argument. We don't know how to cope with and restore connection when there is the inevitable disconnection that happens between two people during the course of their long-term relationship. we don't know how to communicate in such a way where we're not trying to win the argument we're trying to preserve the integrity of the relationship our models are our parents or our models are television and we don't learn this in school we get life gets hard you know like if you're going to be in a relationship over the long with someone for a long time you're going to go through so many changes.

6:00There's going to be money issues. There's going to be parents getting old and passing away. There's going to be obstacles. And there's going to be just personal obstacles with our work, with our bodies, with our health, with our mental health. And then we experience stress. And then we don't know how to cope with that stress. And we bring that stress home to our partner instead of nurturing the relationship. And we get into something called learned helplessness, where we don't know, where we think that our problem and our problem with our partner is permanent and that there's no way out. And if you are in a relationship and you think that the problems that you're having with your partner or with your spouse are permanent, then that is going to create a very specific state.

6:53You're going to feel helpless. And it's in that state of helplessness that people lose their motivation to make the relationship work. They lose their motivation to meet each other's needs. And when they lose their motivation to meet each other's needs, they also lose passion and they lose attraction. And so you've got two who feel helpless, who have been fighting so much that they don't even feel attracted to each other, they don't even feel motivated to meet each other's needs anymore. And they think, there's no better way out of this than to break up or to get a divorce. And it's really hard to pull yourself out of that learned helplessness.

7:46and it's not just one answer it is a process of learning how to repair learning how to be a better listener taking responsibility for the part of you that has taken over that is scared and overwhelmed and then as a result maybe doesn't fight fair or pulls away or clings or doesn't very nice things or shuts down and withholds their love. It's an... We have to have a super, super honest reckoning with ourselves because the habit is to want to blame the other person. It's to want to make them the problem. And it's not to say that it's 50-50. There are definitely times where one person is disproportionately more the problem.

8:40But if you love someone and you want it badly to work, but you're in that position where you just... The only way out you see from the pain is to end the relationship. You have to have an honest reckoning with yourself. You have to be willing to look in the mirror and ask yourself how you could... how you have been contributing to whatever is not working. And that is really hard, because your ego is not going to want you to do that. But it is the only way. This episode is sponsored by Skims. I am wearing a Skims bra and underwear right now. And actually, oh my God, I didn't even realize this. My pants right now, my kind of loungewear pants are Skims too.

9:27I'm a huge Skims fan. Truly, they're so comfortable and durable and just sleek. I don't know. Can't say enough good things about Skims, honestly. At this stage of my life, I'm really focusing on the quality of my sleep, for example. Comfort is so important to me. I want to be comfortable, but I don't want to look too much like a slob. And Skims truly has the best pajamas. I'm wearing basically their pants right now. And I really feel like I sleep better when I feel good in the fabrics that I'm wearing because how it feels on my skin is really, truly everything. and I like embarrassing to admit but I previously loved sleeping in an old t-shirt from my college bookstore basically but however Skims has changed like all of that so shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com after you place your order be sure to let them know we sent you select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows and if you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list The Skims Holiday Shop is now open at skims.com.

10:34If you or someone you know is going through a breakup or a divorce and you are in excruciating emotional pain, I have a message for you. What you're experiencing is very real. And it is also very temporary. It feels like you are stuck in this state. It feels like you are trapped in a story that you are never going to be able to turn the page on. But I promise you that this too shall pass, but the only way out is through. And in order to get through, you have to really watch the things that you are telling yourself. Because when we are in pain like this, when we're going through a breakup, we go through a temporary insanity.

11:26It's like our thoughts won't turn off. We are replaying scenarios. We're thinking about the last conversation. We have stories and stories layered on top of stories about how we could have done better, how we're a failure, how we're worthless, or how much pain we're in, or how angry we are. And that's all part of the process. But I don't want you to believe your thoughts right now. Because they are telling you things literally to help you try to regain a sense of control in your life. Because when you go through a breakup, you feel so incredibly out of control. You cannot believe everything that you think right now.

12:11You do not have the whole story. The story of your breakup, the story of your relationship, right now you're looking at it through the lens of your hurt. And that hurt distorts the truth. And when you get some space from this, you will be able to see things more clearly. And you will be able to look back and say, maybe I wouldn't want to ever go through that again. But I understand why it had to end. I understand that I was not supposed to be with this person. In time, you will understand why your destiny is not tied to this person. And you will feel better. But in the meantime, watch what's going on in here.

12:58Watch the story that you're telling yourself. And especially if that story is telling you that you are worthless or a failure. None of it is true. Your job is to, as much as possible, lean on the people, the people who are closest to you. Your job is to put your energy into things that bring you a sense of purpose or sense of meaning or a sense of joy. and you have to every day, every second of every day, put one foot in front of the other and you will make it through. To walk away from someone you care about who cannot meet your most basic needs is one of the hardest and bravest acts you can do.

13:44Here's the truth. There are a lot of people who end relationships prematurely. They end relationships too soon. They think that love is really just a feeling and it's not actually a choice and a practice. And as soon as there's like any issues in the relationship, they flee. And they don't realize that a relationship actually takes work. And some of the biggest work that a relationship takes is the work of us overcoming our own patterns, our own fears, and our own ego. And they never learned how to actually work through problems so it's easier to run away from problems. But there are a lot of people whose pattern is not to run away when things get hard.

14:38In fact, they stay too long in relationships that are miserable for them. And for them, being in a relationship means enduring a lot of pain and enduring a lot of misery. And they may tell themselves that, you know, no relationship is perfect. But usually the people who stay too long stay in relationships that are, again, pretty terrible, where they're actually not even being treated well. Abuse is just one side of the spectrum. but just with someone who's unkind to them or with someone who wants completely different things than them, with someone where it's just really not working and is quite painful.

15:27And they stay in these relationships because of the fear of the unknown, because they're going to have to get back out there again. For some people, they don't want to change their lifestyle If they actually speak up for what it is that they want and need in a relationship, they'll be rejected. If you're the person who is really afraid to walk away from people, jobs, circumstances that are incredibly unhealthy for you and wrong for you, because you're so afraid that you're going to be without. You're so afraid that of getting back out there again and being single again. You're going to have to search deep inside yourself and find that very brave person that lives inside of you and decide the kind of life that you want to live.

16:29Because that's what choosing yourself really is. Choosing yourself is not just about the other person. It's not about making the other person the villain. It's about committing yourself to the life that you know you must lead. It's about breaking free of the conditioning that has told you that a relationship is supposed to mean enduring long periods of time of misery. No relationship is perfect. And a relationship does take work. But it's not supposed to make you miserable. It's not supposed to hurt you. And sometimes we're in this position with someone who's a good person, but just terribly wrong.

17:14We don't actually love this person. But we're in it because we want the companionship. We're in it because if we're really honest with ourselves, we just don't want to be alone. And so the courage that it takes to break that pattern is immense. the courage that it takes to see that you are worthy of being loved well, that you deserve to be loved well, that when you've told someone over and over again what you need, when you've had the hard conversations and still nothing is changing and you're going to bed feeling lonelier than you've ever felt even though you're in a relationship, Finally make that decision to walk away.

18:05You are not just breaking up with a person, you are breaking up with a pattern, and you are likely breaking a long generational pattern. A pattern that says that you need to suffer, that you need to disappear inside of a relationship. You don't deserve to have your needs met in a relationship. It might be one of the hardest things you do, but you are more than capable of doing it, and you will be proud of yourself for doing it. This episode is sponsored by Indeed. If you're a small business, the right hire can literally be a make or break. And hoping that the right people see your job posting isn't really a great strategy.

18:47Because when the pressure's on and you need the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs by Indeed. Like, for example, if I had to hire a new copywriter, I wouldn't just say, must be able to write. I want someone who's worked on email marketing, on podcasts, like knows the software, understands our style, someone who could jump in and handle the chaos. Lucky for me, this is a job for sponsored jobs. So spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, and more results. And listeners of this show will get a$75 sponsored job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves at Indeed.com slash podcast.

19:31Just go to Indeed.com slash podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on it. Indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Meet the right hire fast. This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. I believe divorce is a human right. I believe that being able to leave a relationship, to end a relationship, is a human right. And I also believe that there are a lot of people who end their relationships prematurely without having done the very difficult and courageous work of looking in the mirror and seeing how they might be contributing to a dynamic that's not working and trying to make it work with someone who they can't seem to make it work with.

20:23And I definitely believe that unless there is extenuating circumstances, that people should do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, because if it doesn't, at least you can walk away knowing and being able to say to yourself, I did everything I could. I really put in the work, and I'm proud of myself for putting in the work, And now I know that even with all the work that I put in and it not working, this is not the right relationship. One of the most important lessons that we will ever learn in life is that not every relationship is meant to last. And that is okay. Some people come into our lives to teach us a lesson.

21:08Some people come into our lives to give us an adventure. Some come into our lives to show us what we will and will not tolerate. Not every relationship is meant to be a life story. And the length of a relationship does not determine its value. What matters is who we become as a result of having that relationship. Sometimes the wisest, most grounded thing that we can do is just look at a relationship or even have this conversation with our partner and say, you know, this was right while it lasted. It was right for the season, but it's just not meant for many seasons. Look, everybody wants a relationship that is going to be able to withstand the test of time.

21:58That we are going to be able to go through many seasons together. But that takes a lot because we are constantly evolving, we are constantly growing. and sometimes what works in one era of our life doesn't work in another. And like I said, I think it is important to try to make it work because we take ourselves wherever we go and it's not like, you know, we're going to just find someone else like this and everything's going to be hunky-dory. It's just not really, doesn't work that way. We have to be able to reflect. We have to have the capacity for introspection. But at the same time, just because a relationship takes work, it doesn't mean it's supposed to be endless labor to be seen, understood, and respected.

22:54And sometimes splitting up is the best answer. I have worked with many families and people with kids, and I get this question a lot. Do we fight for our marriage? Do we fight for our relationship for the kids? Do we stay together for the kids? And yeah, I do think if you have children, that is a pretty good motivation for you to fight for the relationship. Why wouldn't you want to try to keep the family intact? But you don't stay together miserable, unable to make it work for your kids. Because the greatest gift you can give your child, and this is a big one, is your own happiness. That does not mean if you are a parent that you have to be happy all the time.

23:43That is way too impossible of a burden to carry on your shoulders. But there is a responsibility when you have children to do what it is that you can to have meaning in life and to do what it is that you can to be happier because there is nothing that feels more soothing and safe and secure for a child than to see their parent feeling grounded and centered and happy. And one of the most destabilizing things for a child is for them to constantly see you unhappy. And so if two people who are just miserable together stay in their relationship just for their kids, they're actually not helping their kids.

24:39Because you cannot make your kids happy by agreeing to live an unhappy life. So if you do have kids, whether you are married or not married, or you're raising them alone or not raising them alone, the most important thing that you can show them is your resilience and you doing what it takes to live a life that is the life that you want to lead. because you can't make your children happy by agreeing to and deciding to live an unhappy life. This episode is brought to you by Zenni Optical. So you all know that I wear glasses. And so I am always looking for the best places to get glasses. And Zenni is an online eyewear shop with stylish prescription glasses.

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26:19Styles do sell out, so don't hesitate. Don't wait. That's zenni.com slash podcast. Promo code podcast15. zenni.com slash podcast. Code podcast15. How long is it supposed to take you to get over someone? I have people write into me all the time saying, you know, how long should it take? What's the timeline to get over a situationship? Someone I was with for six months, but one foot in, one foot out. You know, how long does it take to get over the love of my life? Look, breaking up is incredibly difficult and it is incredibly painful. But how long it takes you to move on from someone partly depends on you.

27:15And this isn't the easiest thing to hear, but it is so important and it will change your life. And that is the story that you tell yourself about this breakup and about what happened will either determine if you are going to be heartbroken for several months to years or you're going to be able to feel some reprieve and some relief a little bit faster. If you are having a hard time getting over someone who maybe you were with them for six months, but it was kind of a situation ship. You didn't build a life together. They had one foot in the relationship and one foot out. You never knew where you stood with them.

28:06You longed for more with them, but they couldn't give it to you. if the story that you're telling yourself, if the things that you are saying to yourself are, somehow this is an amazing person and they did not choose you, so something must be wrong with you. If some of the things that you're telling yourself is, I should have been different, I should have showed up differently, if they love me, they would have. Anything that you are telling yourself that puts them on a pedestal, and then therefore you below them, so in other words, you're making them more important, more special, more valuable than you, then it is going to take you much longer to get over that person than if you were to remind yourself every single day as many times a day as you need to, that you were anxious in the relationship with them, that you never knew where you stood with them, that your needs were not being met, that the two of you were just on two different emotional pages, that you wanted different things, that sometimes you fall for people who are not exactly falling for you back and that's a pattern that you want to work on.

29:30Anything other than they are more valuable than you and therefore the fact that they didn't choose you means that somehow you are not worthy or you are broken or you are stuck being in this place where you're always going to be alone. As long as you are doing that, you are going to stay stuck. But the moment, like I said, that you replace it with the truth of the experience, with the truth, a different perspective, a perspective that says that you are no less valuable than this person, when you can see them clearly, when you can actually tell yourself the truth about what happened, that is going to help you move on.

30:16It doesn't mean that you're not going to grieve. It doesn't mean that you're not going to miss them. It doesn't mean that you're not going to feel sad, but everything boils down to the story that we tell ourselves. And this is why so much of our timeline of getting over someone depends on how willing we are to tell ourselves a different story, which means that we have to investigate the story. We have to talk about it with people who we trust. And we have to rewrite it so that it actually reflects the truth or at least a truer version of what you're telling yourself. Because look, heartbreak is heartbreak.

30:56And I've been through some of the worst. And of course, if you are going through a divorce or a breakup and you love this person, you build a life with them or you were on your way to building a life with them, it is going to hurt a lot. But if you find yourself unable to really let go, even though it's been several months, close to a year, over a year, then it really is about what you're telling yourself. It's about feeling the rejection. It's about your ego. It's about getting so, and this is hard to say, but, and I've been where you are, where you're getting stuck a little bit in the self-pity, where it's why me, this always happens to me, no one ever loves me, all these things which I totally can empathize with.

31:47But it still doesn't change the fact that when it's taking you a really long time, when you feel like you've processed your feelings, when you felt the pain, the appropriate pain, and especially if it's someone who really didn't give you much, then it has more to do with your thoughts and the meaning that you're giving it than the actual person. So if you want to get over someone, if you want to heal faster or more completely and just return to your life, then you got to watch what you're telling yourself up here. this episode of jillian on love is brought to you by alloy health here's something that nobody tells us our skin changes start in our 40s it's not just aging it's also hormonal specifically estrogen loss so estrogen naturally helps maintain collagen support elasticity and keep skin hydrated as estrogen declines skin gets thinner drier that means you're expensive cleanser retinol moisturizers none of them are actually designed to solve a hormonal problem.

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33:44This code is valid on products only. These are compounded products, not subject to FDA approval. This is a message for the heartbroken. When you go through a really painful breakup, divorce, you are going to experience something that feels like a temporary insanity. It feels like you are going insane. Your thoughts are zigzagging all over the place. You're having a hard time trusting yourself. You're having a hard time trusting others. It's like you can't turn your brain off, and that's all you want to do. Part of the reason why that's happening is biology. It is like a type of withdrawal. your nervous system has been in sync with this other person maybe for years or decades.

34:47And maybe, maybe you didn't even know this person that well or you weren't with them that long, but it feels so big because there was a whole dream around this person of what it could have been. Or maybe you felt just a lust for them that was so intense that it felt like it just took over your entire nervous system. There are chemicals going through your body right now that is making it so that your whole system, like I said, is mimicking a type of withdrawal. This is normal. This is part of the process. and sometimes a breakup is so emotionally catastrophic and it really brings us to our knees because it's unearthing old pain.

35:45It's unearthing old wounds, wounds of feeling completely inadequate, feeling not enough, feeling unloved by mom or dad. you could be having thoughts of old breakups or other times where you've been rejected or other times where things haven't worked out. And so you think that maybe it's just about this person or just about this relationship. But it also could mean that you are in a stage or a time in your life where you feel particularly vulnerable. You could be going through a breakup while you're having a crisis at work or having a crisis, an existential crisis about who you are and what you want to do and what's going to make you fulfilled in life.

36:41You could be going through a breakup at the same time as losing a parent or losing someone else. and so when we are brought to the to our knees and go through that incredibly dark night of the soul it's important that you understand that this too shall pass it feels everything you're feeling right now feels permanent it feels like it's never going to get better it feels like you are trapped in this emotional state. And if you feel and if you believe that you're trapped in this and this is how you're going to always feel, that would make anyone feel insane. You're going to have to go through the five stages of grief.

37:31You're going to have to feel the shock, the denial, the sadness, the depression, the anger. And sometimes you're going to feel all those feelings in one hour. And eventually, the shock and the denial, that initial stage of grief will start to go away, and you'll start to feel more of the sadness, or you'll start to feel more of the anger. Maybe you've stopped bargaining with the other person, or trying to bargain with God, or whatever it is you believe in, like, I'll do anything for this pain to go away. I'll do anything for us to get back together. You're just going to have to go through all that discomfort to get to the other side.

38:21But you will get to the other side. You just have to remember that you cannot believe everything that you're thinking right now. And you have to accept that if this feels unimaginably painful, that maybe it feels painful because you now believe that you will never be loved again. Or it's going to be too late for you. Or maybe you feel like an absolute failure. And you're embarrassed for not being able to make this relationship work. You're frightened. You're terrified. that's what's going on more than anything else is that you are incredibly afraid. And I'm just here to reassure you as someone who's gone through this and someone who has helped thousands to overcome their heartbreak, you will get through this.

39:17And you will build a new dream. And yes, you are going to be capable of loving again. and there might be some things, hard things that you have to look at, things that you may have to work on. Maybe you have to explore. Maybe you're going to have to investigate some old pain that keeps haunting you and keeps coming up. You don't have to be afraid of any of it. And one day, my hope for you and what I think will happen is that you will wake up and you will feel some relief that you're not in this relationship anymore. Because more times than not, even if we really didn't want a relationship to end, there may have been a part of us that wanted to be free from this relationship only because we were just...

40:10only because we're tired of all the anxiety and the sleepless nights and just the stress that comes with being in a relationship that isn't working anymore. There is nothing quite so stressful as sleeping next to someone who you don't feel connected to or who you're afraid doesn't love you anymore, who you're afraid is going to leave or you just can't seem to work it out with. So feel your feelings, process your feelings, get help if you feel like you need help. But understand that you can't trust your thoughts right now and you will be okay without this person. You'll see. Here's one of the most important steps you could ever take if you are trying to recover from a breakup or divorce that people don't talk about.

41:04There's so much healing that has to happen. There's leaning on your friends and your family when you're feeling the acute pain of no longer having this person in your life. Maybe deciding if you have to go no contact with someone. Like, we don't talk enough about how difficult it is to go no contact with someone who you've shared a life with. There's the acute pain of if you have, like, deep abandonment wounds, of, like, feeling like you're not good enough. There's the uncertainty of facing life without this person. It is so scary. Whether you were the one who was left, whether you initiated, it doesn't even matter.

41:51Especially when you've been with someone for a long time, or even if you weren't with them that long, but you had a whole dream around them. You know, it was like, it's not even about them. It's the life that you were building with them. And now you have to confront reality without them. That is so scary. Here's something that we don't talk enough about when it comes to the healing journey after any kind of crisis in our life, like a really hard breakup or series of breakups, series of failed relationships or a divorce. And that is this. Sometimes we can get just so stuck in our heads and so consumed with healing and getting over the person and trying to see it differently, that we don't realize that the fastest way to heal sometimes is to help someone else.

42:48Whatever that is. You know, maybe it's volunteer somewhere. Maybe it's you have a community and there's people who you know need your help. Maybe it's giving advice to someone who's going through a worse time than you. Maybe it's something that you do through your work because of this. When we are going through this kind of breakup, we will feel broken and abandoned and not enough. And when we help someone else, it brings forth the part of us that is strong and compassionate and can actually help someone and their life. And that's what's going to actually make us feel better. There's only so much meditation, therapy, thinking about the problem that's going to help you.

43:56But if you can step outside of yourself and go into some sort of service, I don't know, be a really good friend to a friend who needs it. in those moments, we remember who we are. In those moments, we remember that we are not just our problem. We are not just our heartbreak. And so I challenge you, if you're going through a heartbreak or a breakup right now, and you are kind of reaching this point where, like, nothing is really helping, like, you're stuck, get out and go help someone anyone help animals anything that's going to get you out of your head anything that's going to get you to stop thinking about you and your pain where you are even just temporarily focusing on the pain of someone else and seeing how you can help them that is going to give you first of all it's going to boost your self-esteem it's going to give your life at least for that day some purpose and some meaning and it's going to clear your head so you're not just thinking about you the breakup the pain the crisis it works like magic like magic Jillian on Love is a Q Code production executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson produced and edited by Travis Howe music by Will Tendi

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