Everything You Need to Know Before Your Next Relationship

0:05I met someone who had 54 things on her future partner list. And I looked at her and said, you're going to be single forever. And I get it. We put all these things in a list because we don't want to get hurt again. And we want to make sure that our standards are high. and we want to make sure that we're really specific. And more than anything else, we want to make sure that we have total control over an outcome." But she never considered the traits and the qualities that she had to have. She was only focusing on what this future partner needed to be and who this person needed to be. And truth is, there is no perfect partner who is out there waiting for you like they are in the movies.

1:00And every single one of us has parts to our personality and just struggles and things that we come to the table with that we are gonna need someone else to be patient with, because we're not perfect either. So when you're thinking about that list or all those things that you want in a future partner, think about how you would want someone to be patient with you and cut you some slack and be kind to you, even though you've struggled with some things in the past or you continue to struggle with things currently. This isn't about just accepting anyone into our lives. But the truth is, if we don't take the time to reflect on the kind of partner we want to be and only focus on what we want to get out of a partner, we're going to stay single for a really long time.

2:00And if we're not, we'll be in relationships and they won't work out. When you are thinking about your future partner and you're trying to get clear because maybe in the past you were never clear and you didn't have any standards and you didn't have any criteria, just get clear about like three to five things that are absolutely essential to you that have to do with a person's character, their values, you know, the way that they relate, their communication style, versus anything that's on the surface. And then be flexible and open-minded about the rest. And so when I told her this, it was wild.

2:46She literally had not taken the time to really reflect on the kind of partner she wants to be. And this is what happens a lot. It's like if you've been hurt a lot or you've been ghosted or whatever, you've been betrayed or you've had relationships that, you know, didn't go well and you feel like you just want to protect your heart, maybe you didn't really know your value and you let people treat you in such a way that you never want to be treated again. it's very easy and I totally understand this that we get up sort of like on this high horse and think you know no one is going to be able to do that to me again and in an effort to protect ourselves from pain in an effort to protect ourselves from that uncertainty we cultivate this list and think if I have this list then I will be certain then I can control the outcome Then no one can actually hurt me again.

3:50But that list is making it so that no one can even love you again. No one can even get close to you again. And that list makes it so that you are going to be searching for this unicorn forever. I am all for writing down what you want and getting very specific. I actually am in support of writing down a list. But the list has to be tight. And the list also has to include what you have to do and what you have to work on and the skills that you have to be able to cultivate in order for this other person to even want to be in a relationship with you. And also in order for once you meet this person to have the capacity to even build a lasting and loving and healthy relationship with this person.

4:42So write your list, but get really, really clear about what is absolutely non-negotiably essential, like it is a deal-breaker if you don't have it. And focus on the things that you've learned from your past that if they were to happen again, you know you just could never survive in that relationship. You could never thrive. Focus on what a person brings to the table as far as their vulnerability, their consistency, their integrity, and focus on what they bring to the table in terms of what their values are. If family is extremely important to you, guess what? You need to be with someone for whom family is extremely important too.

5:32Focus on those things and then write down everything you're willing to tolerate. And when you are writing down what you're willing to tolerate, reflect on all the things that you hope to be accepted for by someone else, even though you're not perfect. Three major red flags that you must never, ever ignore. Number one, you're getting to know someone and they are not asking questions about you and your life. Look, most people don't have the greatest social skills. And so it's kind of common to be on a date with someone and they're not asking you a lot of questions or they're not asking you interesting questions.

6:25And also, in the first date, people are nervous. But if we're going to the second, third date, or you're actually spending regular time with someone, like you're dating them, and they don't have any interest in your past, they don't have any interest in your family, they're not asking you questions about your hobbies or the things that you love to do or the work that you do or your friends. that is a huge red flag because what it means is that they are just not interested in you. They might be attracted to you. They might be bored and wanting someone to hang out with. They might be wanting to sleep with you, but they're not actually interested in getting to know you.

7:16Because when we value someone, we actually want to know their story. We want to know the people in their lives. We want to know what makes them happy. We want to know what makes them sad. We are actually curious about them. So if you're hanging out with someone and they're showing no curiosity about you, your life, your inner world, huge red flag, run. Number two, Everything is someone else's fault. They talk about their ex-partner in a way that makes it so that they are completely victimized. Like, look, sometimes we get into relationships with people who are not that nice, and if we're actually telling a true account of the story that we had with this person, we will feel like, you know, we were really wronged.

8:08that's different than just making everything everyone else's fault. You can say, look, I had a very difficult relationship with someone. They weren't really that nice to me, but I took time to reflect and I had to learn a lot of hard truths about why I chose this person or some of the things that it brought out in me. Anything that shows some accountability and some self-reflection. If you meet someone and their ex is crazy or a narcissist or this or that, and they show no signs of any self-reflection, even after you ask them this really important question, you ask them, what did you learn from that?

8:49And let's say their answer is, well, no one can be trusted or, you know, narcissists are this way or I have the worst taste in people. That's not the answer you are looking for. The answer you're looking for is something within the range of, well, I had to take a really hard look at myself. Or I realized, you know, that I had a very troubled relationship with one of my parents and it comes out this way in my adult relationship. or I realized that like, you know, I added to some of the dysfunction that was in that relationship. Again, you're looking for accountability. If someone has no accountability and all they do is trash the people in their life or trash their exes, that is a huge red flag because eventually you are going to be the person that they speak badly about.

9:40And then whenever you're in an argument with them, they're never going to be able to pause and reflect and take some accountability. And accountability is one of the most important relationship skills that exists. Number three, they cannot control their temper. They have a huge temper and it's also uncontrollable. Look, none of us are walking around with our emotions always regulated. I'm not always regulated. It's impossible to always be regulated. our nervous system is wired to to experience ups and downs and sideways it's it's not we're not supposed to be just in one parasympathetic state all the time we are going to get we are going to react in life we are going to get excited we're going to get sad we're sometimes going to feel peaceful but you want to have some tools to be able to regulate yourself ground yourself when you are very triggered when you are very angry and so if you are seeing someone and they are in constant reaction and you see them have a really big temper and they don't know how to control it or they even admit to you that um they have a huge temper like i'll never forget years and i mean this was years ago it was much much much younger i was in my 20s and i started seeing someone who admitted to me, this was in the first three weeks of us dating, and we went from zero to 60 really quickly, as you do when you're younger, and everything was bliss.

11:22And he one day just admitted to me very nonchalantly, we were in the bathroom, brushing our teeth, getting ready. And he said, yeah, I have a really big temper. And I looked at him and I thought, really? That's so strange. I can't even imagine that. And I felt in my body, that is not good. But of course, being who I was back then, I just didn't listen. And it turned out that temper was eventually turned towards me. Now, I'm not saying that everyone who has a temper that you know is going to be abusive towards you, but there is still a pretty big likelihood that that could happen. And either way, we want to be ourselves and we want to be in relationships with people who can control themselves because a huge red flag is someone who has no self-control.

12:21So those are three red flags that are completely non-negotiable. So if you're with someone and you feel like there's a red flag that's coming up, you know, it's not like you have to immediately run for the hills, but you can ask follow-up questions and say, look, this happened, this concerned me, you know, what's going on? Or look, I realized that you said a lot of things about your ex, but I don't really see any self-reflection. Like, did you learn anything from it? You know, we can give people that chance at the very beginning just to explore, but you have to be incredibly discerning. And if these three things come up ever in your dating process with someone, pay attention.

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14:42So you have to always choose the person who does not make you question where you stand in their life. because there is no amount of connection. There's no amount of chemistry. There's no amount of attraction that could ever compensate for the psychological toll of being with someone who isn't all in and who can't choose you. And I know how difficult this can be if you are in a relationship or even in a marriage with someone who keeps pulling away or doesn't know if they are in love with you or maybe you've been with them for a long time and they just they're dealing with some other things that they can't fully choose you whatever they've got one foot in whatever the circumstances are they've got one foot in and one foot out.

15:40And that feeling of working so hard to be enough for someone is one of the worst feelings ever. It is exhausting. It'll drain your energy. you'll start to get body aches your whole physiology will start to respond to that because it's like this perpetual fight or flight because the person you care about doesn't care about you the same way or isn't able to commit to you or they're pulling away and you have to recognize when you are in that pattern that But there is no greater threat to us emotionally than losing love or not being enough for someone. And if you already don't feel like you're enough or you feel like you're too much, and maybe you're carrying the weight of some unresolved childhood business of never feeling good enough or feeling like you just never were, you know, never lived your life the way that your parents wanted you to live it.

17:05or you never felt like you had the right body or the right looks or you felt like you were too sensitive or not enough of this or not enough of that.

17:18You carry that weight with you into a relationship and then someone you care about is pulling away. Your immediate go-to is going to, for lack of a better way to describe it, abandon yourself so that you can just be enough for this person. And it's all I'm saying is you have to get off that hamster wheel of trying to be enough and trying to prove your worth and trying to prove why you're worthy of being chosen and loved by someone who just can't see it. You have to see that, like, it's not even about them. and it's really just about you and the very human fear that that that there's something wrong with you and there isn't and we're all flawed and we all have things that we need to work on but you deserve to be with someone who chooses you fully and we all have to do our part in a relationship.

18:24We can't just behave any way that we want to and then just be chosen or can't just do whatever we want in dating and then expect just to be chosen. We do have to show up. We do have to communicate. We do have to put our best foot forward. We do have to be honest. We do have to be vulnerable, but never forget that you deserve to be with someone who wants you and chooses you and you choose them back because no one should be chasing anyone. It needs to be two people making a mutual effort with mutual feelings, choosing each other every day. Because behind every happy couple are two people who do the work to choose each other every single day.

19:09To sometimes put their partner's needs before their own. to see the relationship as this precious baby that needs to be nurtured and taken and looked after. I spent two years in a marriage trying to be enough for my husband. Trying to, you know, jumping through hoops because I just didn't know how to communicate. And I thought, if I lose this person, then I'm to blame. If I lose this person, then what am I going to do without this person? So you have to believe that you are absolutely capable of standing on your own two feet. You are absolutely capable of being single a little bit longer until you meet the right person.

20:02And you have to have faith in your strength because you are stronger than you think. But what is going to wear down on your strength on every single psychically, emotionally, physically is trying to be enough for someone who just can't see it for whatever reason. So no matter how connected you feel to this person, no matter how much chemistry there is, no matter how afraid you are, and I get it, none of it can make up for the anxiety that is guaranteed if you remain with someone who just can't love you and can't choose you. So you have to be brave. And this is when you actually have to choose yourself, which really just means choosing your sanity and choosing your right to have a future with someone where you are both equally putting in the work to create something meaningful together.

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21:57Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5 % back on every purchase. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. If you can't stop obsessing about someone, if you can't stop ruminating about them, if you're waiting by the phone, waiting for their text or their call, maybe this is someone you've been seeing who isn't investing in you at the level that you've been investing in them. Maybe this is someone who keeps walking in and out of your life and you keep going back to them against your better judgment. I want you to know that this is really not about them. It's not that you like them so much.

22:44It's not that you need them. It's that maybe there is something inside of you that feels missing. Maybe it's that life is not preoccupying you enough. And this is not a judgment. I have been where you are. But consider that they are just a metaphor for novelty, for excitement, for adventure, and that those are the things that are sort of missing in your life. This isn't about them. This is about your relationship with yourself and the life that you know you must lead. I worked with someone a long time ago who couldn't get this person that she was seeing out of her head. She was dating him on and off for about nine, ten months.

23:36In the beginning, it felt promising, but very, very soon after they started seeing each other, it was very clear that this was someone who either was not capable or not interested in really pursuing something long-term with her. And if I'm honest, it was probably a combination of the two. He didn't want to let her go. He wanted to have her in his life, in the capacity that he wanted her. And she was allowing it. She would become so obsessive about him. And she tolerated way less than she deserved. And she also tolerated well below her standard for herself because she started acting in ways that were unrecognizable to herself.

24:24And so she would break up with him. In moments of strength, she would finally end it because he would do something that would just be the final straw, something really disrespectful. And then after like a few weeks, not even a month, she would just go back to him. He would come back into her life. And instead of holding that boundary firm, instead of being a warrior of her boundaries. She just kept letting him in. And he, whether he was actively in her life or the times when she broke up with him, he took up all her mental real estate. And she had this belief that it's because that, like, even though things were hard, she just had such a strong connection with him.

25:13And this is something that I hear all the time, but that connection. But I'm going to share with you exactly how she was able to end it once and for all with him. And that's this. When she realized that every time she was going back to him, it was always when she was feeling very down. She was having like little mini existential crises where she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. And she felt a lot of uncertainty. She was living in a different state than her family. She had friends, but she didn't have like structure to her day. And her work, like I said, was very uncertain. And she was feeling that thing that we often feel as human beings, as having a human experience, is that she felt lost.

26:15And he was at least familiar, and he could give her that kind of connection, the cuddling, the hug, the kiss, the sleeping together. unconsciously, she would run back to him to scratch this itch that she didn't know how to scratch for herself, which was feeling totally disconnected from her life. And so he was just a metaphor for what felt missing in her life. He was also just a distraction. from her having to deal with her life and creating the life that she wanted to live. And so she recognized that she had to choose herself, which had nothing to do with villainizing him, which, by the way, we could have villainized him because he just wasn't a great guy.

27:22But she had to take full responsibility and recognize that if she's going to live the life that she wants to live and have the kind of love that she wants in her life. She could not do that while she was with this person and taking him back. And also, she could never find the true love that she wanted and the healthy relationship that she needed without first addressing this in her life. Because until she did that, everyone who would come into her life would just be sort of like that distraction. You do not have to have your life all figured out. We go through phases where we feel very plugged in and connected to ourselves and connected to our center and connected to family and work and our health.

28:20And then we go through different dips and valleys where we feel disconnected or we wonder like what our purpose is or we're not feeling in flow with our life. So it's not about being perfect and having it set all the time. But it is about understanding that when you're obsessing over someone who you don't actually know that well, or someone who has never really committed to you and you've never really been committed to each other, or someone who is proven to be completely unavailable in every way and really just brings out even the worst in you. We think that it's because this person is so special.

29:07We think we want them. We think we need them. When the reality is, is that they are a metaphor for something that's missing inside of us. And it is always our responsibility to tend to our relationship with ourselves. And that's not necessarily an easy thing to do. It's a process of learning. It's a process of identifying what's missing. What are the needs that need to be fulfilled that are missing in your life? And so just remember, like, the person who you're obsessing about is usually the person who's not available to you. And they're almost always a metaphor for something that's missing inside of you that you need to tend to, or a distraction from the real work that you need to be doing in order to choose yourself and create the life that you want to lead.

30:02This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. There are plenty of reasons we put off getting support, and for a lot of people, cost is one of those reasons. With BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide with an average copay for eligible members of just$23 per session. And while we're considering old assumptions, maybe there are a few others worth questioning too. For example, women sort of inherit a lot of unspoken about rules, like be ambitious, but don't be intimidating. So you have to consider where that rule, where that story came from, and whether you would ever impose it on someone you care about.

30:50If you've been waiting to start therapy, BetterHelp works with more than 125 health plan networks and eligible members have an average copay of just$23 per session with insurance. Don't have insurance or live outside the U.S.? You can still get 10 % off your first month. Visit BetterHelp.com slash onlove to explore your payment options. That's betterhelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash on love. Being single can be really easy. We don't have to answer to anyone. We can do what we want to do when we want to do it. It's really easy to become very self-centered and sort of stuck in our ways and not have to worry about if someone is going to stop loving us or someone's just going to annoy us.

31:45We don't have to worry about becoming a better communicator or working through problems or meeting someone's needs or having to talk about our own needs. But if we want to be in a really good, healthy relationship, we have to see the value in compromising. We have to see the value in giving up some of our preferences and, you know, not always doing what we want to do and thinking less about me and more about us. We have to see the value in being challenged to grow into a more self-aware, conscious, and mature person. A relationship, if we want it to be a really powerful one, or really strong one, it demands so much of us.

32:44It's not the same thing. A healthy relationship, a relationship with the right person, isn't going to challenge you the same way that you've been challenged by unhealthy relationships. So instead of the sleepless nights, the anxiety-ridden mornings, the like always questioning where you stand and if you're good enough for someone, that defines an unhealthy relationship. A healthy relationship is going to challenge you to overcome your pride, to overcome some of your selfishness, to communicate, to have boundaries, to learn how to love, to learn how to live in a we instead of a me. it's gonna challenge you to confront yourself because a relationship is really not a place where we go to avoid ourselves.

33:45It's a place that we go to look in the mirror and to grow in every way possible. The reason why so many relationships end is because it's, you know, we don't wanna compromise. We don't, we wanna just, we think love should be easy. We think that we have, you know, we can love someone the way that we want to love them. And then we don't want to adapt. We don't want to change. And we get very focused on our needs and not wanting, you know, we don't want to, like, have to change our lives or make room for anyone, really. And then you could say, well, it's worth it for the right person. And definitely, that's part of it.

34:30But even with the right person, you are going to sometimes not feel like showing up. You are going to sometimes want to do exactly what you want to do when you want to do it, and then you're going to be confronted with, but is that actually good for the relationship? Am I just being selfish? Like, the best relationships are people who are really putting each other first. Like, they have, they're so emotionally generous. They're just givers. They're doing that for each other. And so you have to just decide, like, if that is, like, like I said, even with the right person, like, you're sometimes going to not want to compromise.

35:15And so you have to, you're ready for a relationship when you are ready to put your ego and you're setting your ways aside for something larger than yourself, which is the bond that you create with this other human being. You are ready for a relationship when you are ready to put your relationship with someone you love, who loves you back, as your biggest priority. And I think that most people, this was definitely me at some point, expect or wants this like amazing relationship without understanding what it actually takes psychologically and emotionally to make it great. And like I said, if you're someone who has gotten really comfortable with being single, or you're just like, oh, it's not worth it.

36:21Yeah, maybe it's not worth it to you. But if overcoming the hyper-independence or overcoming just like me, myself, and I is something that is important to you, then a relationship is right for you. But if you don't see the value in that, then you're going to get into relationships and then always feel frustrated. and never wanting to sort of give in for the sake of the relationship. And so when I get asked what is like the single thing that like breaks up relationships, it really is selfishness. And you can be like an incredible giver, but not wanting to compromise. To be really clear, compromise is not the same as sacrifice.

37:09I was speaking to someone recently and she said, and she's at an age, She doesn't want children, but she likes to date younger men who are usually at a stage of life where they want children. It's very possible that they have children already, but some of them will want children. And she said, well, I mean, maybe if the love and the connection is strong, they'd be willing to compromise. And I said, no, no, no, no. When it comes to, like, having children or not having children, that's not compromise, that's sacrifice. Compromise is, I love you so much. What we have is so important to me that, like, I'm okay living, you know, by the sea versus, like, in the city.

37:54Or I'm okay with us doing dinner at a certain time when, for years, I'm used to having dinner at a particular time that really works for me because these are, I am just, It's about flexibility. It's about getting out of our routines and allowing ourselves to be flexible so that we could build something big with someone else. It's not the same thing as sacrificing a deep, deep need and desire and life and part of your life purpose for someone. You're ready for a relationship when you're ready to let go of all the comfort and the ease of being single for something greater than yourself. This episode is sponsored by Aria.

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39:31And don't just take my word for it. Anna from Washington said, this is embarrassing to admit, but I'm finally actually looking forward to having sex with my husband. And right now, Aura is offering our listeners$10 off your first month at getara.com slash Jillian. This offer is only for our podcast listeners. So use my link to get this discount. Get Aura with a Y. So it's get A-R-Y-A dot com slash Jillian for$10 off your first month. That's get Aura dot com slash Jillian. There is something that will screw up your life so quickly. And I've done this and I see everyone around me almost doing this.

40:19And that is believing that it is too late, that you are too old to have the life that you want to have. I mean, I literally speak to people who are in their 40s and 50s who think that they are old. I speak to people who are in their 60s who think that it's too late to pursue a life that they actually want. Reject the idea that your best years are behind you, reject the idea that it is too late for you. We have been so conditioned to believe this lie that the best part of our life happens early in life. When most of the time we don't discover what it is that makes us happy and we don't discover who we are until well into midlife and beyond.

41:15And that's just the truth. but yet we are bogged down with this corrosive thinking that after a certain age if we haven't we haven't married by 30 or figured out our purpose by 35 or made a certain amount of money that that it's too late for us and then we compare ourselves to you know the random people who did get married young and did figure out what they want to do with their life young. And then we feel terrible about ourselves. And then we don't even try. And it truly is such a lie. I have known and worked with so many people who didn't even know how to speak their truth, how to express their needs in a relationship until they were 45.

42:13I have sat down with people who completely reinvented themselves at 55. I have met people who have fallen in love in their 70s. And yet, there are just millions of younger people walking around and running around, feeling like they're behind or they're lost or it's too late for them. And it is so incredibly tragic. Look, there are some people who, in their 20s, meet the love of their lives and get married. And then there are some people who, they don't meet that person until well into middle age. There are some people who have this really unique understanding of themselves from a young age. They have this sort of old soul self-awareness that starts in their 20s.

43:09And then there are other people who have no idea who they are until they're 50. And I don't know why that is. There's so many different reasons why that could be. All I know is that you have to honor your timing just like I have to honor my timing. The older I get and the more that I work with people, the more I recognize that so much of it is our mindset. It really, truly is. It's, of course, taking care of ourselves, but it's also taking care of what's up inside our brains, not just taking care of our bodies. And our beliefs become our reality. I've worked with women who were in their 50s dating and having the time of their lives.

44:01And are they attractive? Sure. But some of these women were not even the most attractive women I've ever worked with, but they just had a belief system that said, this can be fun. And they don't feel old. I mean, I've spoken to people who said I wouldn't... Women in their 50s and men in their 50s and their 60s said, you can give me all the money in the world, and I would not go back in time. I just want to keep moving forward. And then there are people who are just constantly trapped in their nostalgic memories of their youth, feeling like they're just old goods. And that is such a tragedy. You can reinvent yourself at any time.

44:45You can go back to school at 60. You could go across country at 50. You could fall in love at 70. And if you are just entering your 40s, like, life is just beginning for you. It really truly is. It is so hard to know who you are and what's going to make you happy until you've experienced some hardship in life. The goal was never to peak. The goal is to grow into a human being who knows how to love well, who knows how to contribute meaningfully to society and to others. And that's not something that just happens. Those are character traits that are carved over time. And the most fascinating, interesting, incredible people I know have been shaped by so much hardship and heartbreak and also triumph.

45:52And so consider that actually your best years are ahead of you. Consider that maybe finding your purpose or making the money that you want to make or finding the love that you want to find is actually in front of you, not behind you. Do not let your age hold you back. Do not tell yourself that you're too old because of things that you see on social media. Don't do that to yourself. Exercise so that you can have energy. Spend time with friends so that you can have energy. And listen to things that inspire you. I mean, one thing that I learned in life is that you kind of have to fight for your happiness.

46:41And you also have to fight for more positive thinking. and maybe you were raised in a family where you know people look down on a certain age but you just can't you you can't let that happen to you so if there's something that you want to start or someone who you want to meet or something that you want to experience in life and then you start to hear in the background of your mind it's too late i'm too old what's the point you need to reject that voice quickly because it is just not true. And study the people who started empires in their midlife. Study the people who fell in love in their midlife and beyond so that you can be inspired.

47:29And may this video inspire you to not give in to that really horrendous conditioning that so many of us, at least in our culture, have been hypnotized into believing. Jillian on Love is a Q-Code production, executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson, produced and edited by Travis Howe, music by Will Tendi.

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48:52King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it. Sweet swirly is all good.