Relationship Anxiety: Are They Wrong for You or Are You Overthinking?

0:05Hi everyone, welcome back to Jillian on Love. I'm answering some of your most complex relationship and dating questions today live. So here I go. So I guess I'm just looking for some general advice. I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now. When we met, I didn't know it at the time, but found out that he had an addiction to ADHD medication, Vyvanse and Adderall. He was currently taking Vyvanse and it really ruined the first year and a half of our relationship. I had given him an ultimatum that it was either the pills or it was me. He also was smoking and vaping and drinking alcohol. He decided to throw the pills away and to continue our relationship, which I was very grateful for.

0:52Fast forward to two years now, he's now sober completely. He does not smoke, he does not drink, and he does not do any kind of medication. And I think the personal growth has been huge mentally, physically, and emotionally for both of us. we don't really fight. But because of the stimulation, I think that both of us and the intensity of the arguing and the lack of a lot of passion in our relationship because the first year and a half was solely on getting him better. And I decided to stick through with it and be his rock. But now I feel we have kind of fallen into this almost roommate style relationship where we kind of say the same things every day.

1:41We kind of do the same things between work and our personal lives. And I think I have just gotten comfortable with our lifestyle. But when obviously looking at social media or watching romantic movies, I can tell that there's a lack of passion and intimacy between us that I crave. And I only seem to crave it when I see it. And I just wish that there was more, I guess, infatuation that he had with me in a sense where he just wants to be all over me and love me and hug me and kiss me. And a lot of times I feel that I'm, I'm pulling for that. And yet he says that he couldn't imagine his life without me.

2:32But I'm wondering if he's just not that type of person. Like, I don't know if physical touch is hard for him, or if it's one of those things where we need to continue to have conversations about. We also don't do a lot of date nights or anything that I feel like would spark that. And I'm just looking for some advice on like where to go with this, especially if marriage is something that we're considering down the road. Having the conversation kind of gives me a weird feeling in the pit of my gut that I don't know that this is the direction I should be going if it's the way that I feel right now.

3:17Okay, so clearly you have some inkling of what's gone on, but the first half of your relationship was governed by a lot of uncertainty, and not the kind of uncertainty you want, right, because you ended up giving him an ultimatum, and honestly, like, kudos to him for getting sober. Like, that's huge, and it's also huge. He chose the relationship. He chose you, And he chose himself because whenever anyone gets sober, they're choosing themselves. So, like, it's just a win all around, honestly. But when a relationship is so defined by so much uncertainty, there is, like you said, passion. There's not, it's not really that it's passion, but you're so distracted by the intensity of trying to fix this person, trying to get this person to change, being on the receiving end of someone who's like, clearly, if they're using that many pharmaceuticals and also vaping and alcohol, there's just a lot of instability there, you know, and moods and unstable moods that come with that and unstable energy, I should really say.

4:32And so it's so, when that happens, when there's so much uncertainty, it pulls all our focus into that. And it literally becomes this distraction from the actual relationship itself, because a relationship doesn't have any breathing room, any space to actually flourish into whatever it's going to flourish into when everything is so governed by the uncertainty of all the circumstances that you shared. And so now that we remove all that, now it's the relationship. And one of the top three things that couples struggle with, I know I've struggled with it in the past. I mean, this is just so common, is I love this person.

5:27I feel safe with this person. But there's no more passion. There's no more aliveness. And a lot of times, there's still physical attraction. but there just isn't that eroticism. And when I say eroticism, when I speak to the erotic, I'm not just talking about the act of sex. I'm talking about everything that comes before that and also the feeling of just being alive. Think about when you're passionate about something totally unrelated to any kind of romance. You feel passionate about something. There's energy. There's aliveness. There's like, you can't stop thinking about it. There's dedication.

6:08It's like feeling our hearts like beating, you know, and the blood coursing through our veins and it's life. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. So what's taking up a lot of mental real estate for you? If you could permanently delete one thing from your brain, what would it be? Maybe it's an awkward interaction from, I don't know, months ago or weeks ago or even years ago. Maybe it's just an irrational worry or just a minor annoyance. What is this particular thing that has stuck with you? Because this is something like when we can't get something out of our brain, it becomes a point of obsession.

6:46And in many ways, it like rules us. And when something rules us like that, we feel so burdened by it. And this is where talking about it with a therapist can help so much. BetterHelp therapists are licensed, experienced professionals. such as psychologists, marriage and family therapists, social workers and counselors. They have at least three years and 1 ,000 hours of hands-on experience and have the required education, training, exams and practice. BetterHelp is now in network with more than 125 health plans with many co-pays as low as$15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get$10 off your first month.

7:30Sign up and get 10 % off at betterhelp.com slash onlove. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash onlove. And so here's what I would do. Instead of having this, like, serious conversation, I mean, I would have a conversation about it, but instead of saying, you know, this is what I need, the two of you, like, what the both of you need and what any couple needs that's in this scenario is an adventure. Now, that adventure does not have to be this vacation. It can be. But you just, yes, date nights are great, and it can be a date night. But I would do something that is totally outside of the norm of what you two normally do.

8:18And I would do something that you both have never done before. So I don't know what that is. I mean, I don't know if that's like miniature golf. You know what I mean? Or you're going to play ping pong or you're going on a bike ride. Whatever it is, it doesn't have to be this huge thing. But something that just is like you're doing something different. Because it's an incredible thing what happens to us when we do something different and novel. Well, first of all, it produces dopamine. And that gives us a sense of energy and a sense of aliveness. and you're doing it together. So it's a shared experience of doing something, quote unquote, adventurous together.

9:04Again, adventure being defined by anything that is outside of the norm and novel new. And that's what I suggest that you do together. And the way that you bring it up to him is just, you know, always important that, in case you haven't already, just to share how meaningful it is to you that he took these steps in his life to get clean and that he... Obviously, you know, ultimately he did it for himself, but he also did it for you and for the relationship. And just, you know, if you've not already, and to anyone who's watching this or listening to this right now, like, it's incredibly important.

9:48And most people truly don't do this enough. to share with our partner and acknowledge our partner where they're winning, where whatever they have done or not done is meaningful to you. We need to hear that. And sometimes what happens is that we have a habit of always focusing on what's missing. And, you know, maybe he needs to hear that from you. And I would start it with saying, you know, like, I don't know if I tell you enough, but I'm just so proud of you and so grateful that you've given all this up and you've grown so much, and I just feel so grateful to know you and to be in a relationship with you.

10:40And, don't use a but, and, you know, the first year and a half of our relationship was so defined by this and, like, this kind of drama, I really want us to sort of discover and rediscover who we are as a couple. I want to, I love you. I want to have some fun with you. I want to have an adventure with you. And I would bring, I would actually come to him with some ideas of some things that you want to do, whatever it is, and say, you know, I want to put this in the calendar and I want us to do this. and I think it's really important for us to do this for each other and I'm really excited to do this together.

11:22And that's how I would handle that. So I hope it helps. This episode is sponsored by Simple Practice. As we head into the final stretch of the year, everyone's to-do list seems to get a little longer and for the therapists who are listening, I know your work doesn't end when the session ends. There's scheduling, notes, billing, insurance follow-ups, all the behind-the-scenes work that keeps your practice running. That's where Simple Practice comes in. Simple Practice is an all-in-one EHR that is HIPAA compliant, high-trust certified, and built specifically for therapists. It brings scheduling, billing, insurance, and client communication into one place so you are not juggling multiple systems.

12:05And if you just started out or growing your practice, they also have a credentialing service that helps you get paneled independently. It takes the total headache out of insurance enrollment, giving you full autonomy over your own contracts without any middleman platforms taking a cut. So if you're ready to simplify the business side of your practice, now is a great time to try Simple Practice. Start with a seven-day free trial, then get 50 % off your first four months. Just go to simplepractice.com to claim the offer. Again, that's simplepractice.com. Hi, Jillian. My name is Brooke. I'm 32 years old and ready for a serious commitment.

12:45I began a relationship that feels secure, checks all my needs in boxes except for one. He will be moving away to Canada and out of the country on a two-year-long visa. I've fallen in love with this man, but he will be moving in four to six months. We've been seeing each other exclusively for only three months now. I have some health restraints that would keep me from moving to Canada with him eventually, if we were to even reach that point. So for me, Canada is off the table. I recognize this is still very new, but can't help but wonder how to navigate this if our relationship continues to strengthen the next six months.

13:23Neither of us are keen on the idea of a long-distance relationship, but at this point I almost feel like I'm willing to do anything to stay with him. I manage two restaurants so taking time off is very hard for me and I work a lot of hours. Is it wrong to ask him to stay? What's your advice on how to navigate this? You know I wish I had I wish I could give you a concrete answer. I wanted to to answer this question because I think there's, this is a story that many people share, which is, do I do some, like, what do I do when the person I love doesn't live near me? And, you know, and so many people ask me my take on long distance relationships.

14:14And this is definitely a conundrum. You know, on the one hand, I think that long distance relationships are incredibly tough. um they're not for the week um they take a lot of work uh i think it's very important to have on on the calendar concrete times when you're going to see each other like at least three months out like you know have have a calendar that's set for three months and then once you get there just make sure that you then do it again for the following three months and um or at least two months whatever you can do but at the same time you know I think that we can all admit that meeting someone and meeting that right person and again it's so new you do not know where this is going to evolve to but you know it's not every day and it's never been every day that we just meet someone who we um feel so connected to and feel like that we can build a isn't it worth it to at least try?

15:19I don't know. I don't know enough information if you can ask him to stay. I don't know what's pulling him to Canada. Have a conversation where you say, you know, if we were to like, I don't know, give this six months of long distance and see how this develops, is there a world in which you would stay? This is a situation and an example where totally transparent, abundant, like raw, honest conversations are so important. You really, truly have nothing to lose and everything to gain from it. And it's not just one conversation. It's probably a series of conversations. I'm assuming that you have to be apart for at least a little bit, and maybe that distance will give you some clarity about whether or not this person is someone who you just absolutely, like, do not want to, at this stage, live without, you know, or be without.

16:21So I wish there was just, like, a concrete answer here. But there isn't. There's just, talk about it. Right now, you're looking at it through the lens of, like, he either stays here and we stay together or we break up. Like, long distance is off the table. And I don't know where you live, and I don't know where in Canada he is, but maybe it's not that far. And maybe the third option is, let's see. Let's give this a timeframe and see if this develops. And then see if, you know, if there's a world where he would come back and build a life there. But I do think it's worth talking about it and talking about it a lot.

17:05So I hope this helps. this episode is brought to you by masterclass masterclass is a place that you go to learn a really great skill almost any skill you want to learn how to cook you go to masterclass if you want to learn how to communicate better masterclass if you want to learn the art of improv masterclass the art of negotiation honestly the biggest thing for me has been like learning how to cook and learning how to cook really well. And I have to tell you, Masterclass is genius for this. And unlike other learning platforms, Masterclass puts you in a room with the people who defined their fields, not just experts, but the best in the world.

17:47There's over 200 classes across 13 categories. There's business, writing, cooking, creativity, wellness, and more, and plans starting at just$10 a month billed annually. And right now, as a listener of this show, You get at least 15 % off any annual membership at masterclass.com slash JOL. That's 15 % off at masterclass.com slash JOL. Head to masterclass.com slash JOL to see the latest offer. So my question is regarding my partner that I've been with for a year now. I often find myself in my head overthinking, overanalyzing. I'm a very anxious person. I ruminate a lot. My partner is honestly great.

18:39He listens when I bring up issues. He's loving. He tries very, very hard and he's very patient with me. despite all of you know my past relationship insecurities I've been seeing a therapist but honestly I don't feel like therapy is really working for me um so my question is how do I know if I truly am with the right partner another issue or another thing that causes a lot of kind of anxiety is that he has a two-year-old son. And I often overthink that aspect. And quite honestly, sometimes I get jealous of how much love and affection he gives his son. He is truly an amazing dad. And I see the way he is with his son.

19:39And I want that for our future kids. So I'm trying to get over that. But I often overthink, like, what if, you know, being a stepmom is hard down the line? Like, what if I regret it in the future? But I honestly can't really see myself without him as well if I were to leave. So I just don't know if he's the right person for me or if I'm just neglecting myself and choosing this relationship and wanting to make it work. So I don't know. I don't know if it's me, if it's the relationship itself. I'm just kind of, yeah, confused. Thank you, Jillian. Okay. So here's an uncomfortable truth. Sometimes we, you know, I know that you've been with this person a year.

20:38But what does it mean for someone to be the right person? It's like, you have to discover it. And you have to, sometimes you just have to make the decision that someone is right for you, that you've, that you're choosing this person, because there's no perfect person out there. And so this idea of like, when we get into our heads about, are they right? Are they not It's like, well, think about what's really important to you. And so you're someone who struggles a lot with anxiety. And it's clear because you're in your head and you are struggling with the inherent uncertainty that comes with being in a relationship with someone and deciding, you know, if they're right or not.

21:27The fact that he is so patient with you and kind and doesn't lose his temper or get frustrated with you is a pretty strong indicator that he's at least the right person for you right now. I mean, I can't, I don't have a crystal ball. I can't look five or 10 years down the road. But however, you know, it's no small thing that he's really patient with you. A lot of people wouldn't be patient with that level of insecurity and anxiety. There are a lot of people who can't handle it. But for him, it's not a trigger. And so I think you kind of like, I think you got really lucky. And I think that you met someone who accepts this part of you, doesn't use it against you, doesn't get frustrated, but instead is patient with you.

22:25And I, you know, we have to be really honest with ourselves about the things that we bring to the table, the good things and the great things that we bring to the table, which not enough of us give ourselves credit for that. And the harder thing is to be able to admit to ourselves the ways in which we are, you know, not that easy, you know, and that there are certain things that every single one of us without fail brings to the table, brings to the table that that's not going to be for everyone. And so if you're someone who suffers from a lot of anxiety and you meet someone and, like, they're a great dad and they're patient with you and they're so kind and they're so loving, like, that's a really good sign.

23:21This episode is brought to you by Thrive Cosmetics, my absolute favorite. I have their mascara. I have their eye brightener. I have their lip balm. I have their lip stain. I've got everything in my bag right now. So I can't live without it. And by the way, neither can my friends. And one of the best things about Thrive Cosmetics that's very meaningful to me is that it directly fuels impact. So it's beauty with a purpose. So they donate a large percentage of what they make to really incredible causes. And that's something that's really incredible. Truly it is. Their Liquid Lass Extensions Mascara has over 40 ,000 five-star reviews.

24:04Need I say more? They're 100 % vegan, cruelty-free, and made with clean, skin-loving ingredients that work with your skin, not against it. So get your everyday favorites with 20 % off your first order at thrivecosmetics.com. That's Thrive Cosmetics, C-A-U-S-E-M-E-T-I-C-S.com slash Jillian. My biggest concern for you is that, and I don't know if this is the truth, but it's something for you and everyone who's listening to this or watching this, do you let him know this? Because what happens is that when we are insecure or when we struggle with insecurity, when we struggle with anxiety, what happens, and I've been there before, so I understand, but what happens is that we tend to then just focus on ourselves, focus on our security or lack thereof, focus on our anxiety, focus on our needs, focus on our worries.

25:10And we unintentionally run the risk of being selfish. And that doesn't mean that you're a selfish person, but we run the risk of being selfish in our relationship because we're not thinking enough about what our partner needs. So he's really, really patient with you. He's loving with you. Number one, do you tell them that often? And number two, what does he need from you? What does he need from you so that you can be the right partner for him and not just concern yourself with, is he the right partner for you? And that's really important. I mean, I have to say that my new book, Rewrite Your Story, How to Step Into Your Power and Get the Love You Deserve, is going to be life-changing for you, because there's a whole chapter devoted to insecure attachment and to abandonment, and I think it's going to really help you.

26:18But again, like, one of the things that's so important is recognizing when someone is really, really good with something that you struggle with, and then also thinking about how you can be the right partner to him. Because what's not going to work and what will eventually lead to the demise of the relationship is if there is a continued pattern of how he's kind of reassuring you. And so he's giving and giving and giving the reassurance. He's giving the patience. He's giving the love. But he's not getting anything that he needs to. And so you have to really be mindful of not turning into a taker in the relationship because of needing all the reassurance and not equally giving your energy, attention, and time into giving him what he needs.

27:22So I hope that helps. And that's it for this week's episode of Jillian on Love. I can't wait to read your comments. If you are watching this right now, please, if you're watching this on YouTube, subscribe. And for those of you who have any questions or if I happen to answer your question today, either directly or indirectly, please let me know at hello at JillianOnLove.com. and we read all your messages. Keep them coming. And as always, thank you for being here. I appreciate you. And then until next time. Jillian on Love is a Q Code production, executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson, produced and edited by Travis Howe.

28:02Music by Will Tendi.

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