8 Things You Must Know Before Getting Married

0:05Hey, everyone. Welcome back to Jillian on Love. I wanted to do a very special episode on the things that you really should know and the conversations you really need to have before you marry someone or even commit to someone in a similar way. And after being someone who was married and then later divorced many years ago, what I am about to share with you is some of the most important advice I believe you will ever receive. And before I get into that, I have to tell you something about a gift that I am giving you. When you pre-order my new book, Rewrite Your Story, How to Step into Your Power and Get the Love You Deserve, You are going to get two things to your inbox immediately that are pretty incredible because I wanted to give you a thank you for pre-ordering.

1:01If you pre-order today, not only will you get my 23-page workbook on how to reclaim your self-worth in life and in relationships directly to your inbox, but you will also get for free my best-selling course, Choose Yourself, and that too will go directly into your inbox. You get to keep both of them for life. So all you have to do is go to jilliantarecki.com book, and then you'll scroll down on the page, and you will see a section on pre-order gifts. And you will see all the pre-order gifts and the directions on how to pre-order the book and then get your gifts. It will be very clearly outlined, and you can start working on this now.

1:45And so that when you get the book, when you get Rewrite Your Story, it is going to be next level for you healing. Like, this is a guarantee. So here are eight things that you must know before you marry someone or build a life with someone. Number one, you must know that your partner, the person who you are committing to in a profound way, will affect your nervous system, your choices in life, your sleep, and even your belief system. And if they cannot or refuse to take responsibility for the energy that they bring to the relationship with you, not only will you not have peace in your life, but you will experience pretty profound suffering and anxiety.

2:40other than self-awareness and empathy. Accountability is the most important trait that we can have and our partner can have. You are in for a real run for your money if you are in a relationship with someone who refuses to take accountability. Look, we are messy as human beings and we will hurt other people oftentimes intentionally. and none of us really know what we're doing when it comes to relationships. Relationships are tricky. They're incredibly nuanced and they require a tremendous amount of patience. They require a tremendous amount of humility. They require creativity and most of all they demand accountability and when you're in a relationship with someone who refuses or just cannot be accountable for themselves, for their lives, and for the energy that they bring to the relationship with you, your nervous system is going to feel that.

3:42And that is going to permeate into your sleep. And they are also going to be heavily influenced by this person. So you have got to make sure that they are someone who has enough integrity to be empathetic, to have some level of self-awareness, even though we have blind spots, all of us, and to be accountable. Number two, nothing is more important than trust. And this is not just about fidelity. This isn't just about trusting your partner to not go outside of your relationship and cheat on you. And even though that's a big part of trust, it's not just about that. It's knowing that when the bottom falls out of your life, when the shit really hits the fan, that your partner will move towards you and not away from you.

4:40And that has to be one of the strongest and most important conditions that you have for committing to someone. Because if you want a relationship to last over the long term, many, many years, decades maybe, you're both going to experience individually and together as a couple heartbreak, parents passing away, health problems, career changes, all sorts of things. And you want to be able to know that this is the person you would want to be in a foxhole with. And they may not be perfect. In fact, they're not perfect because no one is perfect. And they might sometimes annoy you, and just like you will annoy them.

5:23And you might go through seasons where where you feel more emotionally connected and seasons where you don't feel as emotionally connected. But at the end of the day, you need to be able to say, I trust this person implicitly. And if you don't, you can't marry them. And you certainly should not have a child with them or move in with them. And I understand sometimes you have to move in with someone first to really get to know who this person is. but I wouldn't buy a home with them. I wouldn't blend your life with this person like you would in a marriage until you can say, yeah, I trust this person with my life.

6:11This episode is sponsored by Simple Practice. If you're a therapist listening, you already know your work does not end when the session ends. There's scheduling, notes, billing, insurance, follow-ups, all the admin that happens before and after work you actually care about. Simple Practice is an all-in-one EHR that is HIPAA compliant, high trust certified, and built specifically for therapists. It brings scheduling, billing, insurance, and client communication into one place so you are not juggling multiple systems. And if you're just starting out or growing your practice, they also have a credentialing service that helps you get paneled independently.

6:47It takes the total headache out of insurance enrollment, giving you a full autonomy over your own contracts without any middleman platforms taking a cut. So if you're ready to simplify the business side of your practice, now is a great time to try Simple Practice. Start with a seven-day free trial, then get 50 % off your first four months. Just go to simplepractice.com to claim the offer. Again, that's simplepractice.com. Number three, the person you marry or commit to for the long term is going to change. They may not change the way you want them to, but they will change. Their hormones will change.

7:25That is a guarantee. Their body will change. Guarantee. Their needs will often change. Their ambitions may change. And this goes the same for you. So you have to love someone beyond the physical and respect who they are and that they are going to evolve. Because a lifetime together or just many years together means you are going to be loving more than one version of this person. And we talk about growth and we romanticize growth. We talk about it within the framework of becoming a better person. And that's an important thing and it's a very lovely thing. but there's also a practical side to this, which is that, you know, we will change in ways that might not be entirely convenient.

8:16And your partner might change in ways that might not be entirely ideal for you. And sometimes, obviously, people change so much and you realize that you're no longer aligned with each other and there's growing apart. And that's a very real thing. but that's not what I'm talking about today. It's just you have to know, and I'm using this term colloquially and spiritually, not religiously. You have to really know and love this person's soul and love them beyond the physical. Because when you marry someone, you are signing up for loving this person through different versions of themselves. And you need to expect that and maybe have a conversation about how much change you really can tolerate in each other.

9:11And more importantly, what kind of change you wouldn't be able to tolerate. That's a very uncomfortable, but yet very necessary conversation to have. Number four, your partner's willingness to get help if and when they go through a difficult time or go through a depressive time or go through any problems with addiction and drugs or alcohol, you must, must make it a condition that they will do what it takes to be in pursuit of their happiness and stability again. If you're in a relationship with someone who refuses to get help when they need it, they become your patient and you will be incredibly unhappy and that's not good for you it's not good for the relationship and it's not good for them so having a conversation about about what will happen if and when either one of you go through a hard time and need professional help and what you're willing to do about that.

10:26And is that a promise that you two can make to each other is a conversation that needs to be had. This episode is sponsored by Thrive Cosmetics and I am obsessed with this brand. I am literally obsessed with the Brilliant Eye Brightener. It's on my face right now, actually. But there's also another product that I really love. It's the Lasting Mark Lip Defining Stain. So basically, it's a two-in-one smudge-proof lip liner, an ultra-pigmentant stain in five buildable shades. Use the line and define, or you can use it for all over color that will not bleed ladies' feather or settle into your fine lines.

11:12And it also hydrates your lips instead of drying them out because in case you hadn't noticed, so many products out there, lip stains, lipsticks. It just dries out your lips. And there's always their award-winning tubing lip lash extensions mascara. Check this out. It has over 40 ,000 five-star reviews. No, it's that good. So please get your new everyday favorites with 20 % off your first order at thrivecosmetics.com slash Jillian. That's Thrive Cosmetics, C-A-U-S-E-M-E-T-I-C-S.com slash Jillian. Number five, know what kind of life you want before you decide who belongs in it. The feeling of love and being deeply attracted to someone can make you overlook enormous differences and priorities.

12:06So you have to choose someone whose way of living makes sense with the future you want to have. And this is tough because a lot of people will have a profound emotional connection with someone whose idea of a good life is vastly different from their idea of what a good life is. And unfortunately, in these scenarios, it doesn't work long term. You could have a wonderful love affair, but anything beyond that is very difficult. You know, when you marry someone or you commit to someone for the long term or you want to have a family with them, you become a team. And in any team, whether it's in sports, work or relationships, you have to have a common goal.

12:58You have to have a common vision. And if your vision of what the future looks like isn't aligned with each other, it's going to be almost impossible to have a good relationship. Number six. And this is a tough one that a lot of people don't like to hear. It's not something that's ever popular on social media, but might be the most important thing I say today. People spend so much time thinking about the partner that they want, and almost no time thinking about the kind of partner they want to be. And the quality of your relationship depends not only on who you choose, but on the kind of partner you choose to be.

13:47And so if you want a great relationship, if you want a great marriage, then you need to reflect daily on the kind of partner you are and how you can be better. And it's in the little things. It's how you listen to the person or not listen to the person. One of the biggest obstacles to relationships today is distraction. It is so easy to be distracted and none of us are immune to it. It is so easy to be distracted by our phones regularly. There is lots of eye candy on our phones that are at our disposal constantly. It is so easy for our attention to be pulled in multiple directions and to be pulled outside of your relationship.

14:46And part of being a good partner, a healthy partner, is having discipline and the discipline to not be constantly pulled in so many directions that you lose presence with your person. Because all of us respond really well to presence. And all of us feel unseen when our partner consistently loses presence with us. And so you don't want to marry someone who has no discipline over their distractions, but you also have to reflect on that part of you. This episode is brought to you by Nutrafol. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand. And it's the number one hair growth supplement brand personally used by dermatologists.

15:46And now the Nutrafol's Women's Formula has been upgraded to its most advanced version yet. It's 100 % vegan. It's biotin free and comes in a smaller capsule size to make your daily routine a lot easier. I mean, any sort of hair shedding or hair thinning, any kind of hormonal changes, I'm telling you, people who use Nutrafol have like the thickest, like healthiest hair I've seen. In a clinical study, 100 % of women felt an improvement in hair strength after three months. And their hair growth supplements are peer-reviewed, NSF-certified for sport and clinically tested. So whether you're just starting your health journey or you've been taking Nutrafol for years, this update means you can get their most advanced support yet.

16:33Right now, Nutrafol is offering our listeners$10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you visit Nutrafol.com and enter promo code ONLOVE. That's Nutrafol.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L dot com promo code on love. I know given the work that I do, I can be easily distracted. We all can. We have to admit that to ourselves and be really honest with ourselves about that. You know, it's part of our weakness as humans. And technology has been testing this weakness of ours in a very significant way. And you have to think about, what am I going to do about this? And this is a conversation that I believe should be part of every premarital conversation there is.

17:26Number seven, contrary to what is constantly being said on social media, which is that compatibility is the most important thing in a relationship, The truth is, you are not looking for another you. If you were actually in a relationship with someone who was in every way like you, you would be so bored and actually wouldn't be attracted to this person. Because differences are what spark chemistry and they are what make things interesting. Great relationships do not require two people with identical temperaments and interests. Shared values, having shared core values and a vision of where you want your life to go in terms of where you're going to live and how you're going to operate as a couple.

18:15Those things matter enormously. But shared personalities do not. Be with someone who's complementary to you, not someone who's exactly like you. And this is number eight. And this is one of the hardest ones. talk openly about money, please. You have to know your partner's relationship with money. They have to know your relationship with money. And that includes your spending habits, your debt, your credit, whether they avoid looking at their finances, because marriage or any sort of relationship that's comparable to marriage makes their financial decisions part of your life and vice versa. And people don't like to talk about money.

19:06I mean, we are funny when it comes to money. A lot of people are. And you don't have to be perfectly aligned, but you do have to talk about it because money leads to a lot of divorce. It causes more relationship conflict than almost anything else. And so you got to talk about it. And you have to talk about whether there will be shared finances, whether you're going to keep your finances completely separate, what will be separate, what will be combined. But talk about it. This episode is brought to you by Jevity. Jevity is the first all-in-one precision health membership. Most people who get blood work done hit the same wall.

19:53The results come back, they get a nod, they said everything's fine, everything looks fine. We're just like on our own to figure out what to do about it. Longevity closes that gap. Your membership includes access to a functional health expert and longevity clinician who review your blood work and build a personalized protocol, which is just how it should be. Heart disease, metabolic dysfunction, hormonal decline. Honestly, these do not show up overnight. They develop incrementally, sometimes for years, while the system tells you that you are fine and healthy. And then by the time symptoms are obvious enough to flag, that's when addressing them is harder and it's more expensive and sometimes it's too late.

20:35Right now, listeners of the show can get 20 % off their purchase using promo code Jillian. All you have to do is go to gojevity.com slash Jillian. That's G-O-G-E-V-I-T-I dot com slash Jillian. If you cannot get on board with their relationship with money and their spending habits, it is going to be incredibly triggering to you. And if you can't handle it, you have to be honest about it. So please talk openly about money, not just in the beginning of your relationship, but throughout your relationship because it will be something that will more than likely have potential to cause major conflict and you want to make sure it doesn't.

21:25Anyway, these are the eight things you have to think about and talk about before you seriously commit to someone and I hope it helps. Please do not hesitate to reach out to hello at JillianOnLove.com. Ask your questions. Me and my team, we read all your questions. We try to get back to as many of you as possible. And let us know how this episode lands for you, which one really resonates with you. And if you are watching this right now, please do not hesitate to share this with someone who you think it could really help because you never know whose life you could be changing by just hitting share.

22:03Thanks for being here. Until next time. Jillian on Love is a Q Code production executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson. Produced and edited by Travis Howe. Music by Will Tendi. From the studio that brought you WandaVision. I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore. The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy. That family wasn't real. You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible? Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on Disney+.

23:12finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.