From "I" To "Us" — How Fat Tony Finally Found Happiness | Fat Tony

0:00What's the one from your new book that you feel has the most resonance and connection to you? From my book? Well, I think just that the final chapter about marriage and going from I to us is a remarkable thing. Because I've always made my life about me, however, how bad it was. it was always yeah like I used to say it's my shit however bad my life is and however shit is it's my shit and there's something comfortable about that wallowing in your own misery and I think that the discovery of making it about us instead of I is a really really big thing for me I still battle with it because I still say me and I uh about a lot of things like when I was getting married I just did it then when we were getting married it was kind of like oh this is my wedding and my dad would come out in everything that was really like what my dad was like and and I think that the the more that I pull myself back from it and actually think why are you saying that because i say i sometimes refer to my husband as my boyfriend you catch yourself yeah i do it all the time i'm like oh have you met my boyfriend i'm like what do you go i'm saying to you i find myself saying it because it was such a i've had i've had 55 years like 50 years of slightly wrong like 45 years of boyfriends saying the word boyfriend never said husband do you know what And now it's, yeah, that whole, the end of the book, which is now, is what's the best bit for me.

1:49How was it when he read that part of the book? Well, you know, writing it and then reading it yourself out loud, I kept leaving the studio every day thinking, why the fuck have you said that in that book? Literally, I'd go home and say, stabby. and it's when the last chapter just made me want to cry it did make me cry because it was just like that it made me realize how far i've come do you know what i mean that's how i felt with my last chapter it's really important it's really important yeah because that's the bit that most people are going to take away from it i always wonder if how people get to the end of that book and actually read that part yeah but i think that's one of the most important parts of a book to read yeah i mean it's really important as well not to vomit on that part you know in the sense of throw it all in at the end yeah yeah look at me now look how far i've come you know i think that well mine was more humbling mine was more like mine was a final note to kind of say like it might sound like i've got this kind of compassion shit all together by the way absolutely not because i started writing this book my entire life fell apart so actually it was way more like humbling of saying yeah like this isn't this like perfect journey that you're going to go on in this book is absolutely not what I went on.

3:05And like it was more of a humbling end. Yeah, I think we've recovered me. It's about that point of realising that I am so happy being with one person and not the whole of London or the whole of England or the whole of the world. You know, I'm so happy where I am within my career and doing what I do. Do you think you'd get to this place if you hadn't gone through what you went through? I always think about this. Well, this is another thing that I brought up yesterday. You know, every part of my past and every part of where I am right now are all pieces of that puzzle. Sometimes we try to fit the wrong pieces into the wrong holes and we put them to one side and we come back to them when the other pieces are in place.

3:53And, you know, and to get that perfect picture, right, everything has to fit. And sometimes it takes a fucking long time to do that puzzle and sometimes we get bored. sometimes we pick that up and throw it on the floor because we can't be bothered trying to make pieces fit where they shouldn't fit and when you actually get to the end of it and you that put that that puzzle becomes the perfect picture and then you want to frame it stick it on the wall the reason i you know for me that's how i see my life now as all the pieces are in place don't get me wrong it would only take two minutes to knock it off the table and have to start again such a like that is such a fragile moment because life is just not that perfect picture no it's not but who says what the picture is do you know what i mean mosaics are beautiful yeah they are and you know what sometimes they get dug up from 2000 years ago and they're still beautiful exactly so there's certain things in my life could always get dug up and it was will take me to a place of like real beauty and I think that I've never been happier in life ever and I mean it hand on heart I've never actually got to this point in my life where I don't want anything else in that sense do you know what I mean I wake up in the morning I don't feel old I don't feel overweight I don't feel useless I don't feel like uh I can't be bothered even though earlier I said to you oh or it was, I was at home in bed for my first time in my own bed in weeks and it was just like, so nice.

5:29Do you know what I mean? But I was still up at 7am this morning, don't get me wrong. I wasn't lying in bed all day because I can't do that. But you know, there's just something so, and then as soon as I get out of bed, I want to change the whole house. What do you say to people that maybe feel like they've given up hope? Because I guess like when we last spoke, 2021, you hadn't given up but you'd gone through so much but you were still in a fragile place right and now you're sitting here five years later to me saying I'm the happiest I've ever been and I wouldn't want anything else in my life there's so many people listening to this I even just think about the people that are around my life right now there's so many different moving parts in each person's life whether it's work, relationship, elderly parents like all of these different things that are changing for people and sometimes I think that they just feel like they're never going to get that perfect picture i think that it's as soon as we start to balance things out right whatever the situation is and whatever situation we're in when it's like this everything is falling down on top of you and you can't breathe it's about slowly getting the balance back whatever the situation is whether it's a work situation or home life or addiction or or trauma or ptsd all of these things it's about finding a healthy balance It's about change.

6:47It's accepting change, right? Little things. Like if you feel sluggish or overweight or whatever, you're unhappy, get up and change it, right? It's about turning why into how. And I truly believe that instead of being like, why do I feel like this? How can I change this? Yeah. Little things, tiny little things make the biggest changes. and I think that if you get to that place where you feel that you nothing's ever going to go right for you or it's never going to change right when you get so low right there and you've been there yeah I've been there so many times I've been there in recovery I've not been there and recover me yet do you know what I mean because I'm finding who I am and what it's about me not about me trying to let you think that that's how I work do you got what I'm saying it's no longer that And I think that when we get to those places, there's only one place we can go and that's up.

7:46And it's about slowly, you know, people go, oh, it's all right for you. You wouldn't know. And trust me, I know. I've been there. I've been there many, many times. I've got to those places of those thought processes of wanting to end it all. And they are only thoughts. It's about changing that thought process, the way we see ourselves and the way we see ourselves, we judge ourselves with other people. And it's about stepping back from it, taking time out. Take yourself out of any situation, because while you're in it, you can't see anything other than that situation. Take yourself out of it. So if you're at home and you're having a really bad day, get up off the sofa, get out and go for a walk around the park.

8:31Change that walk process. Simple little things like that will change that process. And you'll come back and you'll think, oh, my God, I feel so much better. Because you have to come out of a problem to see the problem. Yeah. When we're in the problem, we don't see anything apart from the problem. And it's just about those little changes. How long did it take you to get to this place? To get to this place where I am now? Yeah. 20 years. This is what I mean. I'd say, if anything, it's taken me 45 years in reality because that 15-year-old that hated himself, right, I hated who I was because of the things that had happened to me and what I'd gone through.

9:13I didn't have tools to deal with that stuff and I carried all of that stuff through every relationship, you know, and every part of my life. Now it's the first time that 15-year-old, I can say goodbye to that 15-year-old and make that 15-year-old proud because that stuff that I buried and damaged me in so many ways. I'm trying to fix all of that. You know, it's a slow process. And I think the last 45 years, there's been a journey. Well, I guess you need patience with this. And I feel like sometimes that might be the one thing that you struggle with. Yeah, I have ADHD. I have no patience. Yeah, exactly.

9:56Are you mad? But that's what I mean. You know, when I'm talking about this and you're like, go for a walk and then like think about these things. I can also imagine you being like, I can just also imagine you like not sitting in that because it's so easy when we talk about this, right? When someone's having a really shit time. Oh my God, you can just be in the motion. People are like, that doesn't help me. No, it doesn't. And also the last thing I want people to take from this is that he's a self-righteous wanker because I'm not at all. I have nothing to be self-righteous about apart from the fact that I'm all right being happy today.

10:27Do you get what I mean?