OJ Simpson, Bill Cosby & Finding Your Voice: Ruby Wax

0:01My mom, once when I was a little kid, she said she was going to Europe and my dad came to see me at camp. So we spent the weekend together with all the other parents and I show them how well I could blow a ping pong across the field, you know, that I could clean my nails, all the competition you do. And on Sunday, I'd been, he'd been with me since Saturday. He says, I have a surprise for you, Ruby. I said, what is that? He takes me to the car, he opens the boot of the car and there's my mother. Don't even try to figure it out. Don't even try to figure it out.

0:34No, there's no explanation. I could give you a thousand more of these. Nothing makes sense. How did we start on this? I'm now having a horror of my childhood. I'm having a regression. Are we having a therapy session right now? We're having a therapy session. I'm asking you not to try and figure it out. Wow. Yeah. But actually, do you know what? You just said something hyper-powerful. probably not realizing it maybe because this is what i'm this is nothing connected to my childhood um but i think a lot of the times we try and understand why certain things in our lives happen to us whether it's in work whether it's in childhood trauma whether it's in a relationship whether it's through a breakup we're always trying a logical way of like well if i just understand why that happened i can make sense of it but actually the biggest thing that i've had today is that you can't you sometimes you just can't yeah and you just have to let it go you have to let it go.

1:25That is really hard. Except mine could go into comedy. I could use every single incident. And I wrote a book called How Do You Want Me? Where I just, and Carrie Fisher was my editor. And she said, just leave it as it is. If your parents really said that, don't even touch it. Their lines are so insane. And this is coming from a person who comes from insanity. Their lines are so nuts. Just leave them as it is. So that was my first book, writing the lines my parents said and it was good how has that made you in your family life now like reflecting on everything that you kind of had when you were growing up well they've got it easy I married a guy not that I loved him yeah I like him you know but I wasn't in love not that I knew what that was because they damaged that one too but I married him because A, he had length.

2:20I'm not being funny. He had length. I wanted tall kids. And B, he did not have any mental illness at all. I checked his line. And sorry, what was your question again? How has that affected you and the family now as a mom? Yeah. So I chose him because I knew that when I had kids, they wouldn't be, I had chances were bigger that the line wouldn't keep going as far as madness. And also he's really good when I'm sick because he comes from a long line of military people. So they really know get the get bunker. You know, they love being in the trenches. They were bloody marvelous. Had a cup of tea and a scone.

3:03Loved it. So this is a tough guy. He can handle my illness. He doesn't run. So I really was very, I had a really good shrink at the time she helped me find him and keep him that's my, I don't know, it really touched my heart like the fact that, I don't know I mean I guess there's so much also that I know that he will be getting from you at the same time, like it's not just that he didn't run, but I think there's also so much that you probably also give him at the same time, it's like a two way tandem but I think that's what's beautiful, I think my parents are celebrating 50 years this week of their wedding anniversary.

3:42Oh, wow. And they've had their hard times. Like, they will never say, like, it's been 50 years of easiness. Yeah. But, you know, they're not running this a really kind of essential part of that, that they bunker down and they really got one another during the really tough moments, even when they might hate one another. Right. What do you think's been, like, your biggest lesson when it comes to your marriage with Ed? I'd say I'm still pretty rocky on the marriage level because I really had a bad upbringing on that end. Like, I don't know what it is. You automatically love your kids, so that's primitive.

4:18But as far as how to make a relationship or how to do things that a lot of mothers would know how to do, I just don't. I'm not equipped, so I don't follow the rules. Now, that's good because my kids think I'm wild now, but I was a terrible mother. I wasn't a terrible mother, but I was missing in action a lot. because I did documentaries. And he was a great mother that I checked out. So he made up for it. That's why they're well adjusted. And if I was around, they would have caught my nerves. They would have caught on. It might not affect them because we don't know if it's nature or nurture. But I'm so not a child's kind of mommy.

5:02I couldn't read things. I'd get bored. and I'm nervous for their success, whereas Ed's cool, whatever makes them happy. But I only am ambitious the way my parents were, but they kept telling me I'd be a flop. So I did this despite them. But my kids were only told by him, and meanwhile I'm going, do they like what you're doing? Are you working? The last thing I do is ask if they're happy, whereas he does. So I've picked the right person. I got normal kids. How did you find Ed? Ed was directing me, and I tried to get him fired in Girls on Top. I tried to get him fired because I didn't think he was very good.

5:46And then as time went on, and I was about 35, I thought, oh, he's getting more and more attractive because I think I had about two eggs left. And as the eggs started to diminish, he became more and more attractive. So I started wearing makeup to rehearsals. I started off in pajamas. And then, you know, I started getting really dressed up. And by the end of Girls on Top, then we were getting married. Wow. Yeah. So was it quite quick? It was quick. It was like a shotgun wedding. Get the eggs out. How important is it to find the right person then for you? Yeah, but the right person isn't... If I went to the right person, I would have gotten a killer.

6:22Because my dad was such an alpha. He comes from Austria and nothing was going to stop him from being a success. Nothing. And he was vicious to my mother. she you know that's also in the book but it's funny I mean it's not funny but it's hilarious how they write about it or how they talk to each other but it's not funny I mean he destroyed her but she was a killer too so I'm not really good on relationships but you picked an amazing man I know because I had a really good shrink she said marry this guy I said I don't even like him that much she said what's he got that you don't have I said he's got heat because I was talking about my director and she said marry him what do you mean he's got heat he's warm oh because I'm only around my parents were ice you know it was Jungian so I had to tell her what I was imagining and I imagined the arctic it was always ice I was always in a blizzard so I come up and I said oh I happen to be working with this guy I sort of like him she said what's he got I said he's got heat and she just said marry him so I took her advice what amazing advice yeah but I also think that But, you know, it took you to be honest with yourself to find that right person.

7:36Because a lot of us can just kind of stay in a narrative where we're kind of ashamed. Well, I was with horrible men. Until that point. Yeah. And is that what made you reflect? I didn't reflect even then. I was on automatic pilot. Wow. Yeah. My dad said, who's going to marry you? Look at you. You're a sad sack. Who would want to marry you? will be your behinds as big as a house. And my mother would go, Eddie, she said, there's something wrong with her. I think it was the war. Something entered her brain. That was the noise they made. I mean, you're doing a fantastic,

8:18fantastic accent. Thank you. I feel like I'm in there right now. I want you to witness it. I'm being catapulted. Welcome to the kitchen. I'm being catapulted. but I feel like you've processed so much of this now to turn it into something that is I mean relatable not relatable in many ways but like you've kind of made it like the emphasis also of your work the emphasis of my work well you've kind of like channeled this into well I channel my anger that's quite smart though but you could see how if I didn't I would end up the way my mother's side of the family was going. I think there's nature and nurture, but boy, did we do nature.

9:04We passed it for five generations. I kept saying to the archive woman while I was doing, who do you think you are? She'd say, who do you think this is? I said, how would I know? She said, it's your great, great, great Aunt Olga. I said, was she an actress? I was getting angry now because I assumed I came from a long line of great artists. And she said, no, she was insane too. So it kept happening. And then they'd take me to the insane asylum. The director would take me to the insane asylum and they'd film there. And the director said, it'd be really lovely if you could cry. I said, what are you talking about?

9:40This is my happy place. And then what I did at the end of the film, they took me to the graveyard where one of my aunts was buried. And there were two huge graves but nothing where she was buried because they were so ashamed that she was in an insane asylum. So I bought her, my great Aunt Berta, a huge, huge tombstone that says, I'm really proud of this woman. I didn't do it on TV. I just did it afterwards. That's amazing. So it dwarfed the other two next to her. That's amazing. It was good, wasn't it? Yeah. Bloody brilliant.