The Four Things Your Brain Thinks Will Make You Happy And Why They Won't | Arthur Brooks

0:00You know, in the world of self-development, people are looking, looking, looking, looking for something better. And they know that if they make progress in their own life, it will be really fulfilling because we're made for progress. But then the problem becomes they become more and more and more self-referential in the middle of that. And a lot of people think, so for example, if you're coming out of a bad relationship, right? And then what do men do when they come out of a bad relationship? Let me close you on that. What do men typically do when they come out of a bad relationship? No, the first thing they do is they go to the gym.

0:32Interesting. Yeah, no, they should have gone to the gym when they're still in the relationship. Men tend to want to get in shape. Or they become very busy. Yeah, I mean, it's effectively, they want to become a better version of themselves. Right. They want to make progress in their life. And the early flush of that is that they get tons of satisfaction from it because they make progress. The problem is they're not making progress toward something meaningful. They're making progress toward a kind of a self-referential kind of auto-worship, right? And it goes to that last and most diabolical of that first formula, which is worship yourself, and then people really get into trouble, like my PT, like my PT, who wound up posting shirtless pictures of himself all day on Instagram to try to sell protein or something.

1:24I think that is just probably for me in the sense of meaning that feels like one of the most important answers for me is about not about self-worship it's about worshipping with others alongside other people right that's like a really big one the opposite to that is emptiness right right that's on the other end of the spectrum that's also such a hard one to distinguish because I think it connects emptiness connects to loneliness for me right You know when you can be in a crowd of people, but you feel very empty inside, very lonely? Why is it that sometimes we can build the life that we think we wanted, yet still feel quite empty?

2:00The reason is because we isolate ourselves. It's because when you're only focusing on yourself as opposed to other people, you are alone. You're alone. And it's funny because really lonely people, they often have very big jobs. I know a lot of lonely famous people. I know a lot of lonely powerful people, a lot of lonely rich people. and they're never by themselves, but it's all deal, all deal friendships. It's not real friendships. And the reason is because it's me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. And by the way, they might not even be egotistical people, but the problem is that everybody else is saying, ah, ha, ha, ha.

2:34And so now, I mean, you're well known, and so you go to the airport, and people are telling you how great it is, and your brain is going to break because of that. I mean, your brain won't work right as a result of that, because your interiority will actually start to become referential to what other people are thinking of you, so you're thinking of you and wondering what other people are thinking of you, it'll drive you almost quite literally insane, as a matter of fact. And so a lot of people who are, you know, successful and enviable and the kind of lives that we think we want, because, you know, we're naturally attuned to the idols of life, money, power, pleasure, and fame.

3:09Those are the big four. That's what our genetics say will give us a better life, because they're going to give you more resources and more mates, etc. That's not what we want. That's not actually going to bring us happiness at all. There's nothing wrong with those things unless they become a goal, if they become a goal in life, money. And by the way, here's an interesting thing. Aquinas, Thomas Aquinas, in 1265 in the Summa Theologiae, I mean, this is a long time ago in the 13th century, he posited that those are the four idols in life and everybody follows one. and it turns out that modern neuroscience and social science has said he's exactly right so I play a game with my students my students are you know they're going to be the masters of the universe they're the MBA students at Harvard University and they're going to have these big jobs and and I say you have an idol do you know what it is they're like okay let's test it's called what's my idol it's a game it's a game show what's my idol and if you can identify your idol then you will see it next time you're pursuing it and you have power and you have a shot at actually not doing things that you will later regret.

4:18You want to play? Yeah. Want to play What's My Idol? Want to find out what Sarah's Idol is? Okay. Ready to go? Okay. What's my idol? So there's four possibilities. And this is a pretty exhaustive list. Money, wealth, resources, you know, however you denominate those resources. Two, pleasure. Pleasure has three kind of variants. One is feeling good, right? Like the hippies, right? But it can also be comfort or security. Those are also in the pleasure idol. So a lot of people my age, so I'm as old as your parents, and a lot of people my age will say, well, you know, I feel good all the time. Oh, yeah, how often do you check your stock portfolio?

4:56If it's every day, that's a security idol and that's pleasure. Comfort is, yeah, yeah, I know you're not like smoking weed and being irresponsible. Is it hard for you to get out of bed in the morning? That's a comfort idol. Okay, so and again, I'm not not judging. I'm just we have to recognize this in ourselves third is power power Isn't a bad thing like you know a dictator it means Persuasive capacity over other people you get to call the shots now power can be incredibly virtuous It can also be terrible But the point is if that's if you want it if you want to be in charge If you really really want to be in charge and you want other people to know that you're in charge That's a power vital.

5:39And last is fame. Fame is funny because, you know, there's all this internet fame. But that's actually not how most people find it. I mean, there's a think tank in the States called Consensus. And they ask people about what they want and what they think that other people want. Most people think that everybody wants to be famous. Most people don't want to be famous, as traditionally understood, like recognized on the street. but fame takes other forms like prestige being praised for what you do social status for sure prestige adoration of other people in the worst case the adoration of strangers becomes almost a religion and your brain will do that where you actually don't feel alive unless people that you don't even know are clapping wow yeah that that happens all the time to performers that's a really dangerous situation.

6:29Okay, so those are the four idols. And here's how we find out what's theirs. I'm not going to ask you what it is, because who knows? I'm going to ask you what it's not. We'll start taking the ones away that you don't care about. Now, if you take one away, it doesn't mean you don't have it at all. It just means you have the population average. So, for example, if you say money, that doesn't mean you're poor. It just means you're the average citizen in the United Kingdom, which for an idol is torture. Being average is the worst, if it's your idol. Okay? So that's how we know. And for sure, there's one that you care about least.

7:01And then we're going to start eliminating until we find the one that you just can't eliminate. Wow. And that's your idol. So, okay, you got the four, right, in your head? Which one do you get rid of? You got to get rid of what? Fame. Fame. Really. So what that means is you have the exact amount of fame, notoriety, prestige, as the average citizen in this country. Okay, that's fine for you. That's my favorite. That means you walk down the street and nobody recognizes you. right that's great I mean that's it sounds to me that you actually like that I had to get out of that from when I was younger yeah so there's no merit actually because you because you actually like and what we do is we're so prideful about the idols we don't have oh I don't care about money well then I'm sorry there's no virtue in that but anyway I get it and so you experienced it and it was obnoxious to you right sorry you're doing it again

7:56oh that's right no i don't care at all anybody i think i'm gonna put up my best-selling book so so we could have a discussion about this no i know i know but the whole point is if you really really really didn't care about it at all yeah you wouldn't be actually doing something for mass market and having a podcast yeah right so we'd want to dig a little bit deeper there are and again it's it's there's nothing bad about this this is just how we're wired right okay okay so let's take it on his face but i would want if we had you know this essential psychoanalyst is there a couch so anyway i'm sorry our time is up but next week you know

8:40so you got to get rid of the next one now i'm not completely sure about the fame part but i'll Take it at face value for the moment. What's the second one you get rid of? What you have left is money, power, and pleasure. I think I connect to the pleasure one quite a lot. So I wouldn't take that away. But don't think about what it is. Think about what it isn't. Because we're eliminating. What it isn't. Yeah. You have to get rid of one of these things to go to the population average. Wealth. Yeah. Okay. So you have the average UK citizen, which apparently is getting worse as the years go by. Prices are going up much faster than wages and have been for a long time, sorry.

9:25You know, you can move to the States. Are you guys much better over there? Where are we? It's pretty good. Our mutual friend, Chris Williamson, will tell you that it's much better. My former Brit. Yeah, I think he's still a Brit for sure, but you can get an entrepreneur visa. Okay. Anyway, well, that's a different issue. That's all next. It's all right. You're already going to marry me off and get me into the States, so we're fine. That's right. Okay, guys, right into the show. It's not a raffle. It really is going to be based on merit. Okay, so money, right? I mean, did you grow up with means?

10:06Average. Average. Middle class. Upper middle class? I would say we're middle class now, but as I was growing up, probably low to middle class. Okay. So that actually makes sense. And part of the reason is the people who have the money idol, they generally speaking grew up either poor or rich. And one of the reasons is if you grew up poor and that deprivation mentality creates a lot of fear because you know what it was actually like. And if you grow up rich, then it's like, I don't know who I am. And I want to feel like a loser compared to my dad. or my mom. I mean that sort of thing. So it actually sort of makes sense that you grew up in a prosperous developed country not wanting for anything.

10:47You went to school and had your caloric needs met, went to the dentist when you needed to, etc, etc. Very normal. So now we got power and pleasure left. Okay. Which one do you get rid of? You like being in charge, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. And you like feeling good. You can tell. But you got to get rid of one of them, right? I'm talking about the that's most likely to change your actions and lead you to make decisions that you later regret. So that's why we're looking for the one. Not to say that you don't care about one more than one.