The Reason Sex Feels So Hard to Talk About in Relationships (It Is Not You) | Dr. Laurie Mintz

0:02Dr. Laurie Mintz:This is a Be Well Moment, the most replayed moments from my latest conversation. It's a glimpse into the wider episode, which you can find linked in the show notes below. Because sometimes one small moment is enough to reconnect to living well and being well.

0:22Dr. Laurie Mintz:Maybe I'm speaking for like a lot of people around me that I know, but we're never really taught communication styles properly. We're taught so much in school, but like emotional health, communication styles, self-worth, sex, intimacy, we're just not, we don't speak about it. And so unless you have, I guess, parents that are very open in this area, I mean, my mum works in sexual health. So she was actually quite good at trying to have conversations with me, not to this extent, but she didn't try and make the whole thing a taboo. And I guess she saw so many things in her clinic that, you know, things became quite normalized.

1:03Dr. Laurie Mintz:But unless we have these conversations, it's really hard to have these conversations when you get into a relationship. So how, what advice do you give to couples that come to you to have healthy conversations around sex? Yes. I'm so, first of all, I'm so glad you got that training, you know, and I wish every woman did. And communication is, I have never, ever, I'm going to make a strong statement, and then I'll answer your question. I have never, ever, ever worked with a couple in therapy. And I've been a therapist for over 35 years now. I have never worked with an individual or a couple for whom bad or faulty communication didn't contribute to their problem, and for whom good communication didn't help solve their problem ever.

1:55I mean, it's so key and we're not taught it. So what do I tell people? First of all, I say sexual communication is just a subset of general communication. Let's learn the skills of communicating generally. There are some very important skills, which I can go over if you want. So we teach those and then let's apply that to the bedroom and make sex a conversation that happens like us at the table. Let's make it one that happens before sex, during sex, after sex, like make sex as comfortable and clear and everyday part of your communication as what do you want to do for dinner tonight? So how do we, like what are these skills?

2:45So for general communication, my top three are don't ask questions that aren't questions. I can't tell you how much things go downhill when people do that. Like be direct. Yes. Like if you say to me, where do you want to go to dinner, Lori? And I say, Chinese food. And you say, I actually want pizza. It's like, then I'm sitting here going, well, why didn't she just tell me what she wanted? You know, or I never forget this example. Someone, I was a couple met in my office and they sat down and she looked at him and she said, did you get a haircut? Obviously she knew he got a haircut. It comes out as a criticism or unclear.

3:34And you know what the most non-question question of all is? Do you want to have sex? Nobody's just curious. You either mean I do and I hope you do or I don't, and I hope you don't too. So stop asking questions that aren't. Own your stuff. Use I statements. It's kinder. It's kinder to say, hey, Sarah, I want to go to Chinese tonight. You know, it's a kinder. And then communicate about communication. Give a compass to the conversation. You know, like, I want to talk to you about something, and I'm really scared you're going to get defensive. Please try not to. I'm telling you this because I love you.

4:15Or if it starts going downhill in the middle, like, hang on. Like, I don't like the way that we're going here. I want us to get closer, you know? And, and also if you do have a disagreement, fight to get closer, disagree to get closer, not to win or lose an argument and remember to respect the other person, Find the grain of truth in what they say. So those are the basics. But then communicate at the kitchen table. Just talk about sex before sex. What do you want to do tonight? Are we going to be kinky or vanilla? Like setting boundaries. Talking during sex. Faster, slower. No right there. Keep going.

4:59I want to get on top, you know. And then communicate after sex. How was that for you? How could it have been better without defensiveness? Learn from it. And you cannot solve sexual problems without communication. And that shouldn't be done in the bedroom. You go to the kitchen table or a walk, talk about it. It's part of your life. And what we know is when couples are sexually satisfied, they're more relationally satisfied. They have more life satisfaction. And when sex is going good, people don't think about it. It doesn't take up a ton of brain space. I mean, it does some, but when sex is going bad, it takes up an enormous amount of brain space.

5:43And it's so painful. And the only way to solve sexual problems is to talk about it.

5:51Dr. Laurie Mintz:Thank you for listening to this Be Well Moment. If it resonated, the full conversation is linked in the show notes. And I hope it gave you a small pause to take a moment for you and to reconnect to living well and being well. If you loved it, please do leave a review, follow the show, or share this maybe with someone you love.