The Saturday Test: The One Question That Reveals What You Actually Value in Life

0:02This is a Be Well Moment, the most replayed moments from my latest conversation. It's a glimpse into the wider episode, which you can find linked in the show notes below. Because sometimes one small moment is enough to reconnect to living well and being well.

0:22I know that this term, red flag, gets chucked around all the time. But when I was thinking about communication for the person that's listening to this now they could be a good communicator or a poor communicator but when we look at how we communicate i also think it's really important to understand how does your partner communicate right and are there any things because you somebody could be listening to this and doing all the steps that you're saying whereas someone else is kind of not as efficient as communicating as that person that feels they've got all of this knowledge how do they then navigate that situation like what are the red flags to look out for Because if they're doing these kind of three sets that you've said and maybe setting the timer and going out for a walk and not arguing at 2 a.m.

1:03and just focusing on the topic, sometimes their partner might not still be able to meet them in that space, right? Sure. So how do they navigate that or what are kind of the red flags to look out for if that other person isn't kind of meeting those kind of communication boundaries I want to put it in? Yeah. So this is a difficult question. And the reason why is because I always say that it stretches back, right? It goes back and goes back. And ultimately, not all couples not only have the skills, but are even complementary in their communication styles. So I think it ultimately goes back to how we go about selecting a partner.

1:43I think this is very important. This is something that I write about in my book. It's like there are certain traits and characteristics we should be looking for. And I think two of those that add up to effective communication, one of that is emotional fitness. What is emotional fitness? Emotional fitness is about being emotionally intelligent, right? Being emotionally aware and open, being emotionally stable, right? And what does that really mean? It means that I'm willing to emote. I'm willing to talk about how I feel. And I'm interested in how you feel. in challenging times and stress, I am going to remain me.

2:23I'm not going to change and turn into someone else that's emotionally stable, right? Emotionally intelligent. I'm going to be not only aware, but I'm going to be looking for your emotions and how certain things in the world make you feel, right? So you need to have a partner that has some level of that, because quite honestly, a lot of people don't. And the way that I think society, especially around, you know, you've got collectivists and individualism. And I think the way that we're shifting in terms in the West is it's all about me, me, me, me, me. It's not about us, us, us, us, us. And that reduces our emotional fitness IQ.

3:09So that's one. And then secondly, is you need to have someone who has, you know, understanding and is open-minded and is curious, right? These are very important pieces in communication. So the reason why I say this is such a challenging question is because if you're not working with someone that has curiosity and they're open-minded and they're kind or emotionally fit, then you know what? Every, like you could go outside and argue, but it's still going to suck. You know what I mean? So those are some base traits that are very important in the selection of your partner. You wrote on Twitter, I can't remember what it was, and this is relating to what you've just said, which is why my mind is now spiraling.

3:56Because something that you wrote is one of the most important things in relationships is values. Yes. And I think that's the quote that you mentioned. And you said, you know, whether it's a partner, whether it's a relationship, whether it's a business partner yes because relationships don't just span to one another right it's how you communicate as a business partner it's how you communicate in friendships and a family dynamics and i read that and it's something that you know we do a lot in our organization the be well talking about values understanding what our values are and i don't think that you know at school when you were just speaking about earlier we don't learn any of this stuff so it can be quite jarring when you say to someone what's your values and they go and they just say what they think is appropriate as taking that time.

4:36And so when you're just kind of condensing that and talking about the EQ and meeting somebody halfway, do you think that people are listening to that maybe going, well, how do I know? Do you think that's maybe a good place to start saying like, what's your values and like really taking time to think about it? Absolutely. I would say, you know, the best time to work on your marriage or the best time to work on your relationship is before you're in the marriage, is before you have the relationship, the relationship that you have with yourself. It sounds very like, oh, woo wooey, but it truly is the relationship that you have with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have.

5:16And so therefore it's important to fundamentally understand who you are, why you are. And it does begin with asking yourself, what are your values? And I think you beautifully linked it to communication because our values, I see our values as like our rule book to life. You have a certain set of values. I have a certain set of values. Now it turns out we have a lot of mutual friends. So we most likely have the same values. I'm like, what are your values? I'm sure we have the same values, right? But if we have different values, that means that I see life differently. Therefore, I may do things that you may say are immoral or you would never do, but I would do because I value these things over here.

6:00And so therefore, you could see how we would have a massive challenge in communicating with each other. And therefore, it would be hard for us to be business partners, right? Hard for us to be in a romantic relationship, right? So the key is always about values. And to your point, most of us don't know what our values are. We may know what our interests are, but we don't know what our values are. And so how can someone understand what the values are? Because it sounds like a really generic question to ask back, but it's one of those things where I'm thinking if someone doesn't know what their values are, then they might just go, oh, well, I think kindness is a value and I think this is a value, but do they actually live by their values?

6:35And I find sometimes when I've asked people that questions, but they don't actually do it themselves, I'm like, well, that isn't your true value because you're not embodying that. So it's actually really important to think about it. And I've linked to this, you tell me what you think to self-compassion. Yes. How much do you give yourself self-compassion? I think it's one of the most underrated spoken about areas. I bring it up a lot on this show and I brought it up recently with somebody this week. And I think like when it comes to relationship and you said it so beautifully, the relationship we have with ourself is always going to be the most important.

7:06Yes. And in relationships, we can sometimes direct that love to the other person and kind of forget about ourselves somewhat. So when we're thinking about like values, like how can we understand what they really are as opposed to just like predicting and saying, oh, I think this is a value of mine without really knowing. I love this. So this is bringing me back to my matchmaking days. My wife and I started a matchmaking business in 2008. You were so ahead of the time. I can't handle it. Oh, my gosh. I need to restart it now in the UK. It's like the UK needs this. I've got so many single, beautiful, wonderful women in my life that need you, Paul.

7:45Oh, my goodness. And I'm sure many beautiful women watching this show. Oh, well, we need to come out of retirement then. We need to do this. That may mean I will help you invade the UK. All right, done. I'm going to think about it now. I'm going to think about it. I mean, it was a beautiful agency. And one of what we worked on was how to determine our clients' values. So we came up with what we call the Saturday test, right? And the Saturday test was simply this. It was, where do you spend your Saturday? So the whole idea was typically, you know, our clients, they were off. They worked, they were hard charging Monday through Friday.

8:24Sunday, they were already preparing for the week ahead. But on Saturday, that was their day. And I would sit down and say, okay. And I wouldn't say this is a values test. I'd just say, Saturday, tell me, where do you spend your time? And where do you spend your money? not when you have to pay the bills. I get that, but I'm talking about your discretionary income. Where does it go? And I could almost guarantee that where we spend what we consider free time, right? Not if you have to spend time with the kids or whatever, but I'm talking your free time and your free money, whatever that may be, right?

8:59Wherever you spend that, that is typically what you value. And the reason why that was a shocker shocker to most people is because I would ask that and then I would wait, you know, maybe, you know, 10 more questions down the line. And I'd say, tell me about your values. And normally I'd get a totally different list. I'd get, oh, you know, I value religion. You know, I value family. I value, right. But then on Saturday, you know, there was nothing connected to religion. Someday nothing connected to religion. No calls home to mom or dad. There's no, it was like, I want to be away from family. And so - I need solace.

9:46Exactly. Exactly. So it is normally, that's a great place to begin. Then the next place is to go, well, what lights you up? What makes you come alive? Because typically what we value is what makes us come to life. And when we're feeding those values where, you know, self-esteem is going up and so, and it connects to self-compassion, you know? Big one. Yep. So I would say that that's where to begin. And you may be shocked at what you truly value in this life. I'm just thinking what a great first date question. So anyone listening to this that is going on a date or seeing somebody in the early stages saying, what's your favorite thing to do on a saturday what do you do every weekend it's such like an underlying way of saying what your values that's like your value test of what they're doing thank you for listening to this be well moment if it resonated the full conversation is linked in the show notes and i hope it gave you a small pause to take a moment for you and to reconnect to living well and being well if you loved it please do leave a review follow the show or share this maybe with someone you love