The Sex Education That Failed Women (And What Your Body Actually Needs) | Dr. Laurie Mintz

0:02Dr. Laurie Mintz:This is a Be Well Moment, the most replayed moments from my latest conversation. It's a glimpse into the wider episode, which you can find linked in the show notes below. Because sometimes one small moment is enough to reconnect to living well and being well.

0:22Dr. Laurie Mintz:I really hope men are listening to this. Like I know women are obviously going to want to listen to this, But I feel like it's so integral for a man because the one thing that I think about when it comes to sex is that men are very aware of like their penis size and things like that. But actually what you're telling me is like it doesn't really matter that much. Like the big importance part of a woman having an orgasm is actually how he uses his hands and all of the things before you have sex that is actually going to be really important. Yes. And this is why this whole myth of it hurts men. They're all hung up on their penis size.

1:02They have insecurity. I mean, I work with women and men. And if they could let go of that idea, they would have better sex. There was another study where they asked women, write down what's important to you during intercourse, open-ended. Not one mentioned penis size, not one. They said a partner who cares about my pleasure, a partner who communicates, a partner who touches me in the right way, a partner who's okay with me using a vibrator. vibrator. Now, some studies you say, how important is penis size? Some women will say very important, but most will say not important. And here's what's really interesting.

1:44When you ask women who say, is it important? Do you want a really big one, average or small? Most say average. Why? Because big penises can hurt. And again, I just want to say anyone listening. And if you're sitting here going, no, no, me, I love big penises. I love that feeling. Like, great. That is great. However you enjoy sex is fabulous. I am not trying to make anyone feel bad. But what I am focusing on are the things that culture doesn't teach us that makes most women feel bad.

2:25Dr. Laurie Mintz:I'd love to be in one of your classes because you teach this. So like, Laurie, like who are you? Tell everyone like who you are, like why we're talking about this today. Yes, I'm Dr. Laurie Mintz and I'm a licensed psychologist. I'm a certified sex therapist and I have taught the psychology of human sexuality at the University of Florida to hundreds of students a year, so thousands of students. And I'm also the author of two books on women's sexuality, A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex and Becoming Clitorate, what we've been talking about, Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It. So how do your students react to these types of conversations?

3:10Dr. Laurie Mintz:Like talk to me about that because I can imagine that's fascinating. They are blown away. Yeah. And they're helped, which is so important to me. And they were really the inspiration for my second book, the book we're talking about, because when I first started teaching, I, I grew up in an era where people knew about this, like clitoral knowledge has been lost and found over the generations. So I sort of mentioned this and this group of students were like, what? Like, they'd never heard of their clitoris. Many of them had heard of it, but they never put it together about their own sexuality. Many of them felt broken.

3:51They thought they weren't orgasming from penetration. Something was wrong. One young woman told me I thought my vagina was broken. So I started teaching two women's orgasms in the class. It's a huge focus. And the students love it. And in fact, someone did a study on my class where they did, they took measures of the student's sexual functioning before the class and after the class. And it's, even though it's not an intervention, it's a class, they get graded, they write papers, their sexual functioning skyrocketed. They became more orgasmic, more aroused, more satisfied, better body image after the class.

4:32information is power. Especially when we don't have information and we don't get information on women's sexuality.

4:41Dr. Laurie Mintz:No, I mean, I think if I'm trying to think about sex education, what I had at school was literally, how do you put a condom on a penis? And it was about sexually transmitted infections and diseases, like obviously important knowledge, right? But it was literally, these are things that you cannot get pregnant and this is how you don't get pregnant. But there was nothing about pleasure, intimacy, communication, like allowing yourself to understand yourself, communicate that, not feeling shame, not feeling stigma, all of those things, which is essential because sex is such a big part of relationships to yourself, right?

5:16Dr. Laurie Mintz:But also to your partner. And feeling safe enough to have that conversation is important. But then the only other place is porn, which is where I think a lot of, especially young men, go to to learn. And then as you're saying, there's hardly any understanding around the clitoris on porn. No. And beyond that, there's more and more, and I'm not anti-porn. It's entertainment and people get aroused. The research is clear. Most people get aroused watching it, but it's not education and young people are modeling it. And we've got a lot of problems because of that. At the risk of, you know, being a little, you know, this is sad, but it's important to say, it's not just the pleasure issue.

6:03Women aren't getting pleasure. They are having pain because men are emulating what they see in porn. Very little foreplay, no lube. So women are having pain, a lot of pain. And then there's even worse issues. There's been some studies recently. There's a lot of choking in porn. And a lot of young women are being choked without their consent and getting injured. There's anal sex is shown with no lube, no warmup. I have a friend who's an ER doc. She's seeing young women coming with anal injuries. So it's not just that we're not getting pleasure. Women are getting harmed by the lack of sex ed coupled with porn images.

6:47And I've had young men in my class, I had one I'll never forget. He came to my office hours and he was sobbing. And it was after a lecture on choking. And he said, I've choked so many women. He said, I thought that's what women wanted. And I said, where did you get that idea? He said, poor and no one told i mean this young man wasn't trying to hurt women he was modeling what he saw

7:14Dr. Laurie Mintz:and that's such a problem a massive problem and the hard thing is as you said like his intentions were right his intentions were probably trying to to create pleasure but instead it created pain and i'm sure i have no idea but i'm sure the the women again communication is so important right and they're probably thinking, well, that's what he likes. So forsaking their own pleasure again is a reference that I just said earlier of, you know, both men and women both prioritise the man. Yes. Thank you for listening to this Be Well Moment. If it resonated, the full conversation is linked in the show notes.

7:54Dr. Laurie Mintz:And I hope it gave you a small pause to take a moment for you and to reconnect to living well and being well. if you loved it please do leave a review follow the show or share this maybe with someone you love