Why Being Truly Seen Feels So Terrifying for Women | Paul Brunson

0:01This is a Be Well Moment, the most replayed moments from my latest conversation. It's a glimpse into the wider episode, which you can find linked in the show notes below. Because sometimes one small moment is enough to reconnect to living well and being well.

0:22When you started in 2008, how have relationships kind of transformed? I don't want to say like flipped how have they like grown evolutionized i'm not trying to think what the word is but how they change from back then when most people were just going on dates and texting to now being able to swipe left or right and all of the communication is via a phone as opposed to anything that's like a human connection so do you know you've got that spark with someone because you can't see them and how has how has it changed for you because you've obviously gone from finance into matchmaking into a point where it was very still humanized.

0:58And now it's very digitalized. So tell me about that. Yeah, massive difference between 2008 and current. And we're talking about less than 20 years. You know what I mean? You know, number one source of meeting a significant other circa 2008 was still, was actually work. You know, the church was actually big there. Whereas now it's online. You know, it's digital. Number one method when meeting someone, 2008, it was all about what? Acting like you're not yourself. That was when we had books like The Rules. We had books like The Game, which Neil Strauss wrote. And later now he's gone back and said, you know, he wouldn't have said all those things.

1:45But he was really the main person who started Pickup Artistry. And Pickup Artistry was all about basically I'm going to lie to you to have sex with you. Right. It was I'm going to come up with a facade, my representative, and you're only going to meet my representative. That was 2008. Whereas you fast forward to today and a lot of the research that we've done with Tinder. So I'm really proud of a report that we put out every year called The Future of Dating. And I co-authored the report this year and have a section where I talk about how authenticity is really what is driving relationships today.

2:25When I say driving it is, is mostly Gen Z is driving this. Thank goodness, like, that they're driving this. You're going to ask millennials. Millennials, y 'all messed it up. Gen Xers really messed it up. Baby boomers, I don't even want to see you. You know what I mean? I don't want to see you. because what Gen Zers have done, which is so refreshing, is that they're basically saying, look, I am going to be myself and I want you to be yourself. That's the key. How quirky, how delusional, however you are, right? That's how I want you to be. And the most amazing statistic I think we have seen coming out of Tinder is that physical attraction is no longer the number one determinant as to whether or not someone would want to continue to see you.

3:14I love that. Gen Z has said that, and this is what our data has shown us, is that the fact that I feel comfortable in who I am when I am with you is the number one. Now, of course, they still want somebody sexy. Like they still want to, you know, you still want someone who looks good. They still want to rip their clothes off. Absolutely. But the fact that I feel comfortable in my authenticity is more important. So you could see that there's major differences between just 2008 and now. And what's even more incredible is when you go back to just 1980s, 1960s, 1800s. Like I have tracked back relationships since like the inception.

3:55You know, the first marriage was basically 3000, roughly 3000 BCE. Right. And since then, I've literally been tracking how marriages and relationships have changed. And what's incredible is that as society changes, the requirements and the formations of how we come together changes. And that will continue to be the case going forward. Clear glowing skin is something many of us crave. I know I certainly do. And we're always looking for the next cream, serum or toner to get that fresh face look. but one thing we know for sure is that it's not just what we put on our skin but it's what we put into our body that has the real impact.

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5:57Head to ylwclub.com to upgrade your skincare regime now. Try today and get the first week on us using the code LIVEWELL25 at checkout. 30-day money-back guarantee. I mean, that really, I don't want to say surprises me because I kind of want that obviously just to be how authenticity does shine as the number one thing. But in the digital age, it really surprises me that that is what the research is showing. Yeah. Because it feels really inauthentic, right? Everything online feels very inauthentic. Yes. And it makes me quite depressed. Yes. You know, like opening up Instagram half the time, it's how people want to be perceived.

6:39Yes. You know, your dating profile was all the best things about you. And so it can feel very boundary to be authentic in those relationships, right? Because authenticity means vulnerability in my eyes. Yes. And so being vulnerable is being open to hurt and heartbreak. Yes. And also being truly seen. Yes. And when we've got that barrier, we're not truly seen. So we can't really be hurt. Just navigating this landscape, I think it's quite fascinating that that's actually now what the research is showing. But do you feel that we're becoming more authentic in our relationships? No, because I mean, OK, I see I see the I see the challenge in this.

7:15Right. Because it's like we're all living, you know, in social media and social media is fake and fraudulent. Yeah. And we're all being bamboozled. You know what I mean? Totally. But that's the reason why there's this thirst for authenticity. You know, a lot of this comes from because keep in mind, you know, you're talking about late teens, early 20s. And Dr. Twenge, who wrote this book Generations on Gen Z, I think has done the best job in depicting this. When she looks at the generations, what she sees is that Gen X, Baby Boomer, and Millennials all have one thing in common. And that is that most of the information that we received came from an older generation.

8:03Whether that was on television, whether that was on social media talking heads, right? I think back to Saturday morning cartoons. It wasn't anybody my age making Saturday morning cartoons. It was, you know, someone of an older generation doing it. But Gen Z is the first generation to get the predominant amount of their information from each other. It's not from an older generation. It's from each other. Now, you think there's the downside. They don't have a lot of experience, so therefore that's a downside. But the upside is that the information is more accessible, right? They're getting this information.

8:35They have basically secluded themselves, right, and said, we're going to get most of our information, most of our know-how from each other. And as they live in this facade of a social media world, they become tired. And that's where this thirst of, I want authenticity. I want real. You know, another major trend that's indicative of this push for authenticity, sober dating. That's becoming big. One of the biggest trends right now, globally, and when I say globally is in Western nations, is sober dating. Now, why? It's because when you're not sober, you're really a percentage of yourself. You're not your full self.

9:21And to your part of being vulnerable, being seen as your true self, that's really what has driven sober dating. So Gen Z has gotten it right. Now, you asked about authenticity. Generally, there's a researcher named Eli Finkel in New York, and he has written a beautiful book called The All or Nothing Marriage. right and in this book he talks about something that i deeply believe in and that is is that if you look at marriages now and you study satisfaction rates you'll see that most marriages are what do you think higher or lower satisfied than they were just 20 years ago i'm gonna say that 20 years ago people stayed in relationships because they felt that they needed to so they just kind of got on with it.

10:11Whereas I think the ones that have stayed together now are the ones that are still happy because they don't feel like they need to stay in that relationship. They're probably more satisfied because they've stayed in the relationship because they want to. Okay. So you're saying the ones who have stayed in the relationship are more satisfied. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So that was a brilliant breakdown. I'll tell you why. because you got an A plus on that actually. You got an A plus because what the research is, Eli Finkel's research, it shows that on average, 80 % of marriages are less satisfied than they were.

10:54So the majority are less satisfied. However, 20 % of marriages are more satisfied today than they were 20 years ago. And it's to your point. It's because we now stay together for satisfaction. There's other reasons why folks stayed together back in the day. Right. So to connect this all to the question around authenticity, 20 percent of us. Right. You could argue are more authentic in our feelings than we ever were. But the majority are not. thank you for listening to this be well moment if it resonated the full conversation is linked in the show notes and i hope it gave you a small pause to take a moment for you and to reconnect to living well and being well if you loved it please do leave a review follow the show or share this maybe with someone you love