Why Searching For "The One" Is Holding You Back

0:00So you end up staying in relationships that can make you quite unhappy. Why do we, why do women do that? I mean, I guess I don't have an explanation for myself, but. Again, simply because, you know, sociocultural dynamics have made women think that, you know, first of all, and again, this happens in the moment we're born. We are told that our entire life is a search for the one. Everything tells us that. Fairy tales, you know, our parents. Yeah, exactly. And what that means, by the way, is so in your teens, 20s, you know, every social event you go to, I'm going to speak heteronormatively because I'm a straight woman.

0:41Will he be there? That translates into bloody hours getting glammed up, you know, makeup, outfits. You go to that social event. This scenario forces you to compete with other women, a dynamic that I deplore. and at the end of the night you schlep home going oh he wasn't there tonight never mind maybe the one will be at the next one and honestly one of the best days of my life was the point at well because I was a subject this anybody else at some point in my early 30s I went fuck this for a game of soldiers I'm not looking for the one anymore oh my god the relief I could just go to social events and enjoy myself fan bloody tastic and so I really encourage women to get over the idea that true happiness is only to be found in finding the one in love.

1:30I'm that very rare person who has no desire whatsoever to be in love. Really? Why? I actively do not. Because I don't need it and I don't want it. I'm really happy the way I am. And by the way, when you decide you're not interested in being in love, it is enormously time and cost efficient. And what I mean by that is, you know, I remember reading a woman's magazine and I enjoy women's magazines and I will come to an article on you know how to find the one or how to improve a relationship I go oh not interested I don't I don't waste time reading it I don't buy books about how to work on your relationship or how to whatever I don't spend money on dating apps it's incredibly time and cost efficient to not want to be in love wow do you ever have that need for like an oxytocin bond with someone you know you don't no absolutely not i'm enormously i'm enormously fond of my own company if you can't see it's like on the floor i need to learn this but but but but here's something very important to understand sarah okay so earlier i said i cannot wait to die alone okay and and i absolutely mean that in the sense of i do not want anyone to grow world with but the fact of the matter is I am never going to die alone because I'm surrounded by I have an amazing family that I'm lucky enough to be very close to I'm surrounded by you know the love of my sisters and their spouses and my amazing nieces and nephews and god daughters and god sons you know I have amazing friends you know I'm surrounded by love through very very special friends and I have quite a few very close friends not just you know one or two I will never die alone and and I think again a big mistake people make in thinking about love only as romantic love you know every one of us is surrounded by love and has the opportunity to be surrounded by love that is not romantic love and that love is honestly just as wonderful just as reassuring just as warm just as giving just as fulfilling no you do not need to be in love to be fulfilled.

3:36I mean I do agree with that on so many terms I mean I think I'm pretty aligned in the sense of having an amazing community around me of friends and family and actually that's got more stronger when I haven't been with partners right because you because there's only so much energy you have to go around there's only so much you can give out right and receive externally with your friends because friendships and family are still time that you have to put in to build those bonds there is just one thing that is different though that when you are dating someone it is a different relationship it's a different type of love I guess because it's a more intimate love because you're not intimate with your friends and you're intimate with your family but you have intimacy with a lover or a partner or however we describe the person you're intimate with so how do you um for people that are just trying to listen to this and go oh well yeah I get that but it's different to a partnership love dissect that for me sure well you know the interesting things there is that there are many many different types of relationship in this world and I feel very strongly that everyone should be free to design the relation model that works for them which may by the way be different at different stages of your life versus the very limited number of relation model society says it's okay for us to operate yeah so you know as I said earlier I date younger men casually and recreationally I meet them on cougar dating sites but I have one fundamental criteria i'm very selective about whom i date no matter how casual relationship they have to be a very nice person i have fantastic radar for very nice people i only date utterly lovely younger men in an atmosphere of mutual trust respect affection liking and as a result my so-called casual relationships ironically go on a lot longer of the most people's so-called committed ones.

5:29I've dated younger men off and on, by the way, sporadically for periods of two, three, four, five, 10, 15 years. Wow. Okay, they may go on to date women their own age. They may go on to marry women their own age. We like each other. We stay friends. I'm friends with a ton of them on Facebook. I connect with a ton of them on LinkedIn. We all meet platonically for coffee or a drink. And every so often with some of them, the relationships end, the marriages end, they come back. It's very nice. Wow. okay so you just said something very interesting that I need you to help me with you said all of them are very nice and kind how do you filter through and know that that's true and they are nice and kind well here's the interesting thing too because um I'm talking about my approach to casual dating many people who are looking for a soulmate which doesn't exist right The one.

6:22Some people do find their soulmates, actually. I mean, I wouldn't say, you know, I don't believe in the concept of the one. There's only one person. But you can absolutely find someone you can fall in love with and live the rest of your life very happily with. I mean, my parents are an example. They were married for 60 years, you know. So, you know, that feeling obviously does exist for a number of people. but people who are looking for their for a committed relationship could really benefit from taking cues from my approach to casual sex so when when you are looking for a committed relationship must be a very nice person is not usually number one on the checklist on the checklist is must be funny, articulate, driven, must have a job, must be earning well, must have ambition.

7:15I mean, I'm generalising. But must be a very nice person, I would posit, is very rarely the top of that checklist.