Why Self Compassion Isn't Weak And What Happens When You Finally Let It In | Ruby Wax

0:00How did you change your, because I had the cringe with self-compassion when I first came along and I thought it was very woo-woo and I really struggled with it, which basically, you know, Oliver Berkman said one of the best lines to me. I love Oliver Berkman. He's the best. So I first interviewed him when I just started writing the book and I said, you know, we really got into self-compassion and we were really dissecting it. And afterwards he was like, you seem to know a lot about it. I was like, I know I'm really struggling though. That's why I'm researching it because I've always found it kind of quite woo-woo and I'm wanting to bring kind of the science.

0:29at the forefront. And he said, yeah, well, when you have the cringe, you lean into the cringe because that's where the work is. And it totally flips my concept with the word self-compassion. And I was like, yeah, why am I struggling with this so much? Like for me, I feel very defensive against this word, but that's because I lacked self-compassion ironically. So how did you kind of connect more to that word? Well, Mark Williams, my professor, said the fact that you do sit and do mindfulness is the most compassionate thing you can do to yourself. Absolutely. Because what are you doing, sitting there for no reason?

1:03So I'm being really nice to myself. When I do it, I don't have to nail it as self-compassion. But also I know I do things on purpose so that I get that hit in the heart that feels like a cat purring inside. Like I'll volunteer to go to, not a lot, but work with refugees, and then I really get off on it in my heart. it feels my body feels really good it was because helping people raises yourself totally and somebody said well isn't that a little selfish and then somebody else said but at least she's there or i work at a hospice not a lot but you know i was starting to and i did it in the past just because i get that well how cruel is that but at least i'm there but they make me feel good yeah but it's i said i feel like you're doing yourself a bit of a disservice because i think we you probably didn't maybe intentionally know that you actually wanted to give back but you actually then were getting such a good feeling from it which is amazing but isn't that two-way thing you're helping people and being there but it's also building your own sense of self which i think is pretty phenomenal it's like a win-win scenario yeah but i have to insult myself first otherwise why do you think you have to do that i have to do it it's also funny to me because if i I just went, it's a wonderful thing.

2:19What if I said that, Sarah? It's a wonderful thing I'm doing. I help people who are dying. And it really makes me feel, it's bullshit. I feel better. I feel better and they happen to be dying. Help me. What's been the most kind of revelation experience for you then on this journey? From going back to Oxford to where you are now, what's helped you the most? What have you gained the most? I want to say wisdom. from. What I gain the most, it is doing that, it is practicing about mindfulness, but I don't like the word anymore. So I'm starting, especially with my retreats, call it mind fitness, because it's exactly like physical fitness.

3:06It's no different. This isn't a woo-woo, ting-ting, let's take a bath in yak oil. This is hardcore science. And if you took anybody and they could get past doing the first few days, because again, if you hate it that much and you don't give yourself self-compassion, you've annihilated the whole thing. But if you get the idea and you don't want to pay whatever money to a shrink, that's the other beauty of mindfulness is you're on your own. But it's hard. People think it's hard but I'm you know if you want to avoid certain diseases like heart disease or strokes or addiction or certain cancers or diabetes too you might be interested in mindfulness it doesn't have the rap you know it's only 70 years old well I think about I mean it's Buddhism but you know I don't use a b-word now c-word I can use b-words out what's an a word a what what's an a word oh um i say all the a words i have no shame about do you know what i think about mindfulness i think about as mental flossing oh that's good yeah oh i may use that use it thank you because we clean our teeth every day right without thinking about it's a habit no one i don't know if i've met anyone who really enjoys the process of cleaning their teeth but we do it because we don't want our teeth to fall out yeah and the consequences when we can't eat food but also we would look horrendous so we want to keep our teeth nice but we do it yeah we know we have to it's an ingrained habit it's similar to like the mind and the brain like you've got to shine it you've yeah you've got to like floss it every day to kind of like make sure that you're getting all the crap out of it but if you don't totally you know it kind of starts to degrade and that's but it's hard to get your head around it if you think you are just a mind and these thoughts are solid and they are your truth.

5:01You could never convince somebody that actually you're more than that or that the thoughts are just recordings. I mean, you need your thoughts for cognitive abilities. You know, E equals MC squared would never have happened if the guy was feeling his navel. But you are able to go, these thoughts I need now because I'm hitting a deadline and this is just garbage i mean 80 of your life or 75 is is mind wandering so if you wake up from the dream and go let's just smell the rose let's see what's out there then um you're not wasting precious time you know i i need my brain when i need my brain but otherwise i do not want to think about a pair of shoes that i'm dying for but for eight hours straight and most of us think that's who we really are.

5:50It isn't. There's advertisements at last. I never thought it went that way. But if life is a TV show, how long do you want the ads to be? Probably I'm the only person that understands that. I just made that up. I have no idea what I just said, but I'm sure it's meaningful. It's all meaningful. For those that are listening to this and like, well, actually, my negative thoughts, I think, are quite helpful for me. They drive me forward. What would you say to those people? To what? My thoughts are useful? Yeah, the ones that are negative. They say, well, they give me drive or the negative thoughts to me, like push me to success.

6:26What would you say to those people? I haven't met those people yet. I'd like to, but most people, especially that I meet during my retreats or at home things, are haunted by their thoughts. I mean, they're hip enough to go to the retreat so maybe I haven't met the go-getters you know the guys in there but they see shrinks they see coaches so not everything's okay in the state of Denmark so do you think therapy is helpful I think to get a narrative yeah I think you need to know your story like I wasn't sure did I make it up about my parents or did that really happen so you know by taking it through you can already to see where now I know that they were crazy.

7:10I mean, I have footage, which I show the audience at night when I'm doing my tour. Isn't that your first interview that you ever did? That's the first interview, that's the first documentary I ever did where my mother is screaming because I've brought sand into the building, into our house, because I'm supposed to take showers in other people's houses and then come home. So she's chasing me. Why? Holding two, because civilized people don't bring sand in a building. that the sand should go outside, but I don't even think the sand should go outside. My dad's going, she's right, Berta's right. There's rules to this.

7:44There's rules to this. You do not bring sand into the house. And I have a footage of this that I showed the audience, and you just hear silence. Of course, it comes across as comedy. It's hilarious, but not when you're a kid growing up. But I had the cameras, and that made the poison go away. So that's when I decided I would continue this line of work. It took the poison away.