Why Telling Your Partner What You Need Is the Most Loving Thing Women Can Do | Dr. Laurie Mintz

0:01Dr. Laurie Mintz:This is a Be Well Moment, the most replayed moments from my latest conversation. It's a glimpse into the wider episode, which you can find linked in the show notes below. Because sometimes one small moment is enough to reconnect to living well and being well.

0:22Dr. Laurie Mintz:I know it's because of the knowledge gap and patriarchy and all of those things, But it's just really sad. It's really sad that it feels stigmatized to talk about this for women. It is really sad. It is really, really sad. I couldn't agree with you more. And I do think we can change it. And it's one woman at a time talking to their partners. And I'm curious if you find this. Like, I find women talk to other women. Well, I was going to say this. Do men talk to men as much? Because I obviously know that women are very close in their friendships. You know, I speak to my girlfriends all the time and, you know, their partners say, well, we don't speak as often to my guy mates as you girls do at all.

1:14Dr. Laurie Mintz:So we're way more communicative with our girlfriends. I'm wondering on the sex side of things, how that translates. Yeah, what I see, and I haven't read the research on this, but what I see is women are talking to other women about sex. And while that can feel nice, and you get support, it's not going to solve your sex problems, unless your friend says, hey, maybe you should talk to your partner, you know. And in a way, you know, I think we need to reframe the whole thing that telling someone what you want and need rather than having them guess is the kindest, most respectful, most connecting thing you can do.

2:01In any part of your relationship. Absolutely. Not just sex.

2:06Dr. Laurie Mintz:No, I think your standards, your values are so integral to having a good relationship. I've made so many mistakes in my life in past relationships when I haven't understood what I value and what I want. And then I've become, and this isn't in like the, in the bedroom, this is just in the relationship in general. And you kind of become a bit of a chameleon where you're like, oh, well, that person's like this. So I should be, you know, enjoying those things more, you know, and I don't want to be a good relationship. want to go and watch sport on a weekend. That's not my thing, you know. And I think having your values that are aligned and your boundaries in a relationship are so important.

2:47Dr. Laurie Mintz:And to communicate those, you know, now I think it's really important to sit down with your partner and say, these are my values or virtues. And are these yours? You know, do you have the same actions as you're telling me? Because if you don't, then you're on such different playing fields. Absolutely. I think, I mean, you said that beautifully. And isn't it so sad? Like if this kind of stuff was taught, like you said earlier in school, we'd have much healthier relationships, much happier people, you know, and women are socialized to be a bit of a chameleon. It's sort of ingrained in us to be pleasing others, monitoring the environment to see what others want.

3:32And then it takes a toll.

3:35Dr. Laurie Mintz:Oh, yeah. But you lose your sense of self. Absolutely. And that kills the relationship because then you just feel unsatisfied. Exactly. But it's nothing that the other person's doing. It's because you've not taken your own respect to kind of ingrain in that relationship what your needs are. Exactly. And it's so much easier said than done, but it is so worth it. I mean, it is so worth it. And just like this in general and sex, you know, you're going, you're fighting against years of socialization. But look, not everything you're taught is right or healthy, you know. So you have to learn things and implement them to grow and to have better relationships.

4:20Dr. Laurie Mintz:Yeah, I completely agree. I think like you said really in the beginning, you know, the female orgasm or just sex in general has changed a lot. And I think, you know, a lot of people now are maybe exploring sexuality a lot more. People feel more accepted. We're still not fully there, especially in parts of America, but people feeling more accepted to be themselves and find their groups and their communities and sexuality in whatever way serves them. If I think about like the Victorian era, where everyone was pretty liberal, like what happened? Because there was a time when it was very open and very free, I would say.

5:06Dr. Laurie Mintz:And it didn't feel as stigmatized. Maybe I'm completely wrong. But it does feel, as you said, it's gone through these moments where it's open and closed again, open and closed again. I wish I knew, but it does happen. Things go in cycles. And, you know, and we're in a cycle right now where there's a lot of repression and a lot of shame and a lot of fear. And, you know, if I think back, not even to the Victorian era, like the least in the U.S., like the 60s, right, like free love and all that. But what's really interesting is that that era in the U.S., it told women it's OK to have intercourse before marriage.

5:51That was really the message. You don't have to be a virgin. But even then, nobody was saying, oh, and you should have pleasure, too. Like it didn't do, there was nothing that was making these sexual experiences at any era that I'm aware of equally pleasurable for women and men. That's been the missing piece no matter how free our sexual norms are.

6:18Dr. Laurie Mintz:Thank you for listening to this Be Well Moment. If it resonated, the full conversation is linked in the show notes. and I hope it gave you a small pause to take a moment for you and to reconnect to living well and being well. If you loved it, please do leave a review, follow the show or share this maybe with someone you love.