World-Leading Therapist: 3 Simple Ways To Stop Negative Thoughts Taking Over | Marisa Peer

34:14We sat down here earlier and you said, I wrote a book on fertility. And I was like, wow, I haven't actually got that in my questions. But I feel like this is maybe a good time to think about it. Because I know a lot of people that want to get pregnant, but are very fearful of not getting pregnant and have really struggled on their journey. And there's lots of capious reasons. but I have heard you say about, you know, some people really want children, but they have a conflicting belief in the same sentence. So talk to me about that, because I also think about this with things like perimenopause or menopause.

34:47Like, for instance, I went to go and see, I don't know if it's coming out on Friday, you should definitely go and see it. It's called The Invite with Olivia Wilde and Seth Cogan and Edward Norton. And Penelope Cruz and Olivia Wilde have this moment where they're talking about perimenopause, and Penelope Cruz is a therapist, like, it's the worst thing in the world. you know you have hot flushes and you're an emotional wreck and I kind of was just watching this and it was done in comedy but what you're expecting watching this and thinking I am terrified

35:17Marisa Peer:of going through that now you see that's an interesting word terrified because it was like quite a terrifying experience and then you know the end of the film is you know this couple ends up breaking up because they realize that they kind of hate one another and how they talk to one another and you kind of go through all these emotions thinking about relationships and patterns and perimenopause and I was like I don't know I mean it's an amazing film but it really made me think about the language before yeah today of course and so I think about that with pregnancy fertility love perimenopause menopause like there's a lot of fear around all of these different things right how can a conflicting belief stop you from maybe even conceiving a child?

35:59Marisa Peer:So the brain is very directional. So let's say I'm saying I want to conceive a baby. I want to conceive and carry and deliver a perfect, healthy, robust baby. That's very directional. I want to get pregnant. What does that even mean? You could have eight pregnancies and never have a baby. So don't say I want to get pregnant. That's only the beginning. That doesn't mean you'll ever have a baby. I want to fall pregnant. That's even worse. I am conceiving, carrying and making a robust healthy baby so I was told I could never conceive a child and even if I could conceive a child I couldn't carry it to full term and even if I could do that I couldn't make a healthy baby and I remember my doctor telling me that and I said you know I'm not really going to let that in I'm not even thinking of having a baby right now but I do remember this voice in my head saying do not let that in because I know we are shaped by what we let in and don't let in so I didn't really let that in and when I was ready to have a baby well actually before I did become pregnant and I was still straight about well you know this is not going to be viable it will never go to full term you cannot have a normal baby it's going to be very underweight and I and I had a perfect baby she was almost eight pounds and my perfect baby's just having her second perfect baby next week and I think well they wouldn't be here if I let that in if they if I let that in I wouldn't have my daughter she wouldn't have a beautiful little Ziggy and Jesse, who was just about to arrive.

37:26Marisa Peer:And so after I had my baby, I realized all this negative stuff, I was told that didn't happen. And I always remember being in hospital with my little baby in my arms and the nurse came and she literally gave me a box of Kleenex. She said, that's for postnatal depression. You know, it's going to arrive on day three. And I said, oh, I'm not having that, darling. I'm having postnatal euphoria. She always thought I was a bit nuts. So she sat down, very nice, began to explain. It's the hormones, you see, you've got them, And here they're going to go, all going to drop. And then you're going to be so depressed.

37:56Marisa Peer:The whole water is a sea of weeping. That's why I better go home then. Because I don't want to be a sea of weeping. I don't want my little baby around a sea of weeping. But they told me, it's going to arrive on day three. Here's the tissues. You will have postnatal depression. And I didn't. I actually got in my car, checked out, went home, went to my mother's with my little baby. And I was out with her. And someone said, how old is she? I said, today, they went, you should be in bed. You know, you shouldn't be out with that baby. It was the middle of summer. I said, but we're not ill, but people do give you these weird expectations.

38:28Marisa Peer:Pregnancy is an illness. You get postnatal depression. You get really fat. The weight can't come off. You just turn into a milk bar. Babies always cry. You can't sleep. They sleep all the time. A little baby is constantly asleep. And I say to my daughter, darling, you've never known love like it. It's going to be the best thing you ever did. And she told me that. Mommy, you're the only person who told me this is wonderful. The best day of your life is giving birth. you have never known a lot of this. If I'd known, I'd be sitting on the sofa jiggling my baby, watching TV and having a great time.

38:59Marisa Peer:I would have done it earlier. But we do tell women, oh, your life's not your own. You can't see your feet for nine months. You never get your figure back. It's so hard being a parent. You've got two under... We say things like the terrible twos. Oh, the first year it's awful and you won't have sex and you won't sleep. And I don't know what, why we tell people such negative stuff because a lot of people say well it's fantastic look at Emma Greed she has four Stella McCartney has four um Saviola Spexta has five it can't be that bad or they would have stopped it too I loved having a baby I thought and I did have postnatal euphoria I was in non-stop bliss because I was sort of I could never have one and so the thing with pregnancy is again we want to be safe so when people say oh I'm you know I don't want to tell anyone I'm pregnant in case I lose it I don't want to believe it's working I've gone for IVF and I'm I don't want to get my hopes up but what does that mean it means I'm not going to believe it's going to work and when they say it hasn't worked it won't be painful it's so painful better to think know it's going to work.

40:12Marisa Peer:In fact, studies from Israel and America and the UK have shown that during IVF, if you can visualize implantation, your chance of success goes up by 50 % just by visualizing. No therapy, just visualize the embryo attaching like Velcro sticking into your womb. And at conception, they take a lot of study groups, the people, they had a 20 % success rate, but if you visualized it, it would go up to 50 % just by thinking about it. Because, of course, what you see, you move towards. As we know, visualization is a powerful thing. I've seen it. I'm going towards it. What is expected tends to be realized.

40:54Marisa Peer:But the brain cannot hold conflicting thoughts or beliefs. I talk about that a lot in the book. So if you think, I want a baby, but I'm terrified of birth. I'm worried about losing a shot of my body. I've just got so far in my career and now I lose my promotion. My dad left my mom when I was two. What if my partner leaves? What if the baby doesn't like me? What if the baby's ill? So we have all these blocking thoughts. We want to go here, but conflicting beliefs when you go here. You're driving your brain in two lanes now. And how you fix it is just take out the butt and say, I want to have a baby and I'm going to have a great baby.

41:35Marisa Peer:I want to have a baby and I can also have a career. I require to have a baby and believe that my partner and I will love each other more. We're together, we love each other. Finding the person and making the child is the best thing and we're going to grow together. So if you look at Paul Newman in Germany, they had three daughters and they were in love their entire life. There's lots of people who've got married, had a baby, stayed together and created a phenomenal career too. So never say but, say and. I want a baby, but I'm scared of being as fat as a house. I want a baby, and I'm looking at all these women who've got great bodies, and I've had four, so if they can do it, I can do it too.

42:17But with conception, it is the fear, what I call baby blocks.

42:22Marisa Peer:I'm scared of hospitals, scared of blood, scared of the delivery. People talk about how painful it is. We even talk about labor pains. I'm scared of it ruining my life. I'm scared of the unfamiliar. you I don't know what to do with a baby but if you take all of that away and say I'm ready I'm excited I've heard it's the most wonderful thing I was listening to um gosh who's got a baby called Egypt she's got that great song it'll come to me in a minute you know I was listening to a very famous singer saying giving birth to Egypt was the best day of my life sure it was painful but I was so into it and I was there as he came out and I lifted him up and it was the most amazing experience and she talked about it with joy and someone else said you know it's your only chance to be God for nine months you're creating a person it's phenomenal so if you can switch what you link pleasure and what you link pain to you'll go towards pleasure but the problem is when you link pain and pleasure to the same thing your brain is stuck so your brain is directional that's pleasure that's pain I'm going to pleasure but when pleasure is pain and pain is pleasure I can't go there so when we say I want a baby but I'd love to be healthy but I couldn't live without pizza I want to be wealthy but you never know who your friends are now you're linking pain and pleasure to the same thing so you've got to be very clear that's pleasure that's pain making a baby is the most amazing thing I'll ever do my body can if you're in a coma your body would give birth all on its own you can give birth I mean it's not the most comfortable thing ever but it can be amazing it can be wonderful I mean it's an amazing thing to push out a person and it can be very bonding too so it's really important to remember the way you feel about pregnancy birth being a parent is down to the pictures you make in the words it's so hard it's exhausting it's a well it can be but it also can be fantastic and wonderful and thrilling and you wouldn't do it again if it was that bad well I feel like that derives back to my first question right where those conflicting beliefs for me is you know someone says I really want a baby but I'm really scared and that's the fear right the but is always the fear yeah and so I guess it's kind of like is it kind of saying once you've had that thought is it recognizing and saying wait I've just realized I'm conflicting my belief here or I'm saying the opposite of what's meant to happen yeah and so you stop in that moment and then you say oh no I really want a baby and I can't wait for it to happen yeah so you kind of like redirect it once you've said it well you go back again to this thing what would I have to believe to have a wonderful birth and have a baby and love every minute what I have to believe what would I have to not believe I'd have to believe that it's joyful and wonderful and I'm blooming and I look amazing and my partner said you've never looked more beautiful.

45:24Marisa Peer:I remember Sting's wife saying I had four children because he said I looked like a goddess when I was pregnant. I thought well might as well have more then. Well I guess that's why it's important to have a partner right that also speaks positively and not negatively. Yeah but then a lot of people have a baby on their own. I was a single parent I thought I could never have a baby so when I got pregnant it was a little bit of a surprise. Didn't say shocked because it was a surprise and I did it all on my own and I loved every minute it was really nice not to have to worry about can my kid go to private school what does he think it was in some ways very nice to do it myself it was me and her and we were always a team and I never had to worry about some people that my kids were so you're so lucky to have to cook for a husband or do their laundry so you know it is what you believe did I believe oh my god I was doing it alone no I had a lot of support.

46:10Marisa Peer:I had my family, I had my friends, actually quite a few of my friends were single parents. We had this whole support network and it was really lovely actually. I did everything the wrong way around. I had a baby on my own and then later I got married. But it doesn't matter which way you do it, now I've got a great marriage, a great daughter, I love my son-in-law, I love my grandchildren. But I did it all the wrong way but that really wasn't important. I enjoyed being a single parent. I can see my daughter actually, it's actually much better to have a partner. She goes, mum, I don't know how you did it, but I didn't have any option.

46:45Marisa Peer:I didn't think about what I didn't have. I just thought, well, I did have this beautiful little girl that I could never have. But you are right. If you have a partner, it is, of course, easier and better. But that doesn't mean doing it on your own can't be wonderful too. Was that because it just wasn't planned? because I don't think people talk about that enough, about being a single mum. Yeah. Was there at any point where you thought, I can't do this? Or did you immediately just go, yeah, I'm not freaked out? No, I never thought I couldn't do it. You see, you know, you're only given what you can cope with.

47:17Marisa Peer:So I was told I could never have a child. So it was a surprise when I found I was having one, but it was also a joy. And I didn't know anything else but raising her on my own. I wasn't living with her dad, so it wasn't like he abandoned me. I'd lived by myself. I had my own apartment and it was lovely to have her in it. It was really nice. I always felt, wow, because she was like my miracle baby. I thought I couldn't have children. So when I had her, it was a lovely thing. And then, of course, I wrote that book and many, many women have had babies because of that book. In fact, if you look at it on Amazon, every review says, well, this book makes babies.

47:51Marisa Peer:I've been trying for 10 years and I got this book and was pregnant three months later. So from my adversity, many, many people went on to have children. and that's a lovely thing. That's incredible. What an amazing gift to give people. Yeah. Well, I think about the 16 different principles you have in your book, which I love the more I listen to the audio book. Which is your favourite? They all flow for me. They do, don't they? I think, you know, I've done a lot of the limiting beliefs recently on this podcast and so I'm very kind of connected to that. I'm also focusing on your thoughts, like I'm picturing what you want to see because I think it's so easy.

48:29I mean, maybe this is just for me. But it's so easy for me to look back and kind of try to dissect and not actually do the forward movement. And I had this really interesting conversation the other week with a friend who was like, look, you do so many podcasts and you talk for so long about all different types of self-development and health and, you know, everything with emotional development and all of these things. But sometimes it can be too much. sometimes you just actually have to like be and allow yourself to kind of move forward in whatever sense that is and I think that's the same for so many people that are curious right because for me I'm always curious and want to learn in lots of different aspects but sometimes I think you can be flooded too much and then you can kind of be not acting as quickly because you can only ingest so much in your brain at one point there's no point having too much because you kind of you can't action every single thing and I found it really interesting and I found I was listening to this actually after I spoke to a coach of mine and he was like you just need to do this one thing and he was saying you know wake up in the morning and put your without looking at your phone put a timer on for three minutes and say three gratitudes out loud yeah and just say it out loud for one minute on each gratitude and actually I realized that you know by literally focusing on one thing and picturing one thing and doing one thing that was actually way more helpful than trying to do 10 things at once yeah because your brain gets quite overwhelmed yeah yeah um and although these will flow in you can literally pick yeah a few from each rather than thinking oh my gosh i've got to work my way through each single one yeah you can pick one of the rules and say let me just work on

50:12Marisa Peer:that one rule the one rule about the mind only working in the now or shall i work on the conflicting thoughts or the brain wanting to go to what's familiar so make good stuff really just pick one obviously if you don't want to do all 16 at the same time that is a bit overwhelming because you're you're spinning plates now so pick one rather like habits of success there are eight but pick one or two and work on those what's your favorite my favorite rule i think the familiar i think the familiar under because therapists find it so vexing here's this client who tells you who want love so much and are dating people with no good partnership habits and dating people already married or not involved or overseas and it's so vexing for therapists so people say I'm looking for love oh where they go well I'm not actually looking for love well I am looking for love I don't go out and I'm at home watching tv so you're not actually looking for love they go well I go to a club I've gone to a book club with all my friends how many men are there none or you're not actually looking for love at all.

51:15Marisa Peer:You've got to be focused on what you require. But my favorite is always the brain wants what is familiar. So, you know, when I was a kid, my father was my head teacher, which I would never recommend because I felt like a freak. I went to my dad's school when I was 11 years old, and I did feel like a freak. I felt so different. But that's when I understood where the not enough comes from. and so because he was a head teacher and loved all these kids so much I mean I never saw him he was never at home he he was so dedicated he'd go to his office and do all the paperwork in his time so he had all his free time to be with these kids but we never saw him so my brain what was familiar was not having a present dad was having a dad who was invested with other people's kids so of course when I began dating although I have to say my first boyfriend was just perfect but I I was so damaged by this belief that love isn't very good to work for it and earn it, that I set about really ruining that relationship as fast as I could, and probably the second one too, because I formed this belief, you have to work really hard.

52:22Marisa Peer:You've got to chase it, you've got to earn it, you've got to work for it. And it took me a little while to understand what I was doing, because what was familiar was trying to prove I was worth it to my dad, who was never really there. I mean, he was a lovely guy, but he wasn't there. And that was so familiar to me. So I took that into my relationship. Plus, I saw my parents' marriage, which was very unhappy. And I had another belief, have a great career that's engrossing and it would take away the pain of a relationship. Never if, it was always when. If you have a great career, when the relationship goes wrong, you'll be okay.

52:57Marisa Peer:So that's what my brain believed. I had a model for having an amazing career. I had no model at all for having a loving relationship. So I began to see that what was familiar to my brain was having an engrossing group and not a loving relationship. And I thought, but I can have both. So I had to do a little tiny bit of work on myself by saying, I attract love. It's not got to be run after or chased or worked on. And I just did a bit of work to understand what being a headteacher's daughter had done to me and how I felt different. And as a kid, being different is the bane of your life. it's like walking through the world with a curse.

53:35Marisa Peer:I'm different because we are wired to need connection, but I always felt different. And the minute I got rid of that, I met my husband. We got married within 10 months. It would have been 10 weeks if he had anything to do with it, but I met him and it immediately worked. But it worked because I had to get rid of this belief. You have to earn love, work really hard. It's not available to you. It's not just there. You've got to go and get it. So what changed in your patterns to then get you into a very stable, loving relationship? Well, it was the same thing. I found the pattern, this little kid at school who felt like a freak.

54:08Marisa Peer:I understood how it had shaped me and influenced me. Then I changed it and said, well, I'm not a kid at school. I'm not living with my dad. I'm a totally different person and I'm lovable. And I'm going to find love and it's going to find me. I told my brain that what I want wants me. What I am moving towards is moving towards me. And I kind of thought about the person I'd like to share my life with because that helps. I wanted someone who was funny. Self-employed because I'm always on a plane and I wanted him to be too. So funny, self-employed, a family person, loves cooking. The only thing I didn't put in was tidy, but that doesn't matter.

54:48Marisa Peer:You can pay someone to do that. So I really focused on what I wanted. I made a little vision board. I put some vision. Every single thing on that vision board came true. And I met my husband. I already knew him because our kids went to the same school, so I bumped into him somewhere. And 10 months later, we got married, and we're really, really happy. And now it's so strange because, of course, that familiar, it was so familiar with him to be alone and to come last. And now that's so unfamiliar. My husband makes me feel every day that I'm the most important person in his world, and now that's familiar.

55:24It's like if you always turn right on a plane and turn left all the time,

55:28Marisa Peer:you forget what it was like to turn right. You know, I never had an en suite bathroom growing up. I don't think we even had central heating, but now that's just familiar. So now I've been married for such a long time, it's familiar to feel loved and cared about and prioritized. But when I was a kid, that wasn't familiar at all, not even maybe. But it's a great lesson in, you know, what can you make familiar? and while you're making something good familiar what can you make unfamiliar lying on the couch you know eating donuts as soon as you wake up being dismissive of yourself having imposter you can make all of that unfamiliar it is a choice to go okay I'm going to make good stuff familiar certainly praise and believing that I'm worthy of love and deserving of it and while I'm making that familiar I can make oh I'm not really worthy of it unfamiliar so it's always a choice what can you make familiar and unfamiliar never add I'll make this one if it kills me don't ever put that on the end just say and I just I'm making the love of a great man familiar I'm making people would say to me oh my god you know I came to see you change my relationship we're so happy oh it's amazing I better do that for myself then because I could see how much my clients were benedict from this familiar unfamiliar so what advice would you give to someone then who's like well i just you know i'm struggling to find take your take out the word struggling you know love is everywhere so first of all i go people say you know you can't find love at 50 you've got more chance being run over by a double decker bus but where who told you that the highest you know people are getting married at 50 all the time and 60 and indeed 70 so is it um is it our environment like who we're surrounding ourselves with that's just really is it even such as simple as getting out of that environment yeah you're very you're very affected by the company you keep so let's imagine you don't say you require love you require love so your first thing is what would I have to believe about me to find love I'd have to believe that I'm lovable the only thing you need to require love is one thing a belief that you are absolutely worthy of it and deserving of it just the way you are.

57:43Marisa Peer:That's it. Nothing has to be snipped out, injected in. Nothing has to be changed. A six-pack is not required. Don't need to have big breasts, big hair and thin thighs. Don't need any of that. You don't need a great outfit. You don't need a great home. You just need one thing. I am worthy and deserving of love. And by the way, you were born with it. So it's not even weird. You had it when you came out of the womb. You had it in the womb. So go back and reactivate what's already there and just start saying I'm worthy of love over and over again. Of course you'll bring in some doubts, but I'm not really.

58:19Marisa Peer:My last boyfriend cheated on me. My last girlfriend dumped me. That doesn't matter. I'm worthy of love. Say it, say it, state it, and believe that what you want wants you. What you are moving towards is moving towards you. And then ask yourself that question. what would I have to believe about me to have love I'd have to believe one thing I'm worth it what would I have to not believe which would be the same thing I'm not worth it so it isn't hard isn't complicated it's just a belief you know if you've if you have deep wonderful love and your partner dies you'll get married again straight away because you have a template for love it's people who've never had it and don't know where and say, oh, it's so hard.

59:05Marisa Peer:There's no good people. It's so hard to find love. Everyone just wants sex. Everyone's just a player. But that's not true. Most people, if you ask them to say, I want love, listen to all those songs. Most people want to wake up with someone that loves them and go to sleep with someone that loves them. You know, I was working with a billionaire just before he died. I said, I've been such an idiot. So I never had a kid. What was I thinking of? All those women. He said, I never had a son or a daughter to pass on my legacy. I've been such a fool. And at the end of his life, he was so full of regrets.

59:39Marisa Peer:He had so much money. And multiple girlfriends lived on an island, had everything except the thing. He never passed on his genes. And he died actually full of regrets. Such a shame. Is that why achievements can't just bring us massive happiness? Because I guess you and I are surrounded by people all the time that have achieved great success. right? And I definitely, I meet so many amazing people. You know, lots of people that have earned lots of money, founded, exited massive companies. And to me, they're not all happy. Some of them are. That doesn't say they're not all happy. Some of them are.

1:00:19But 50 % of them aren't.

1:00:22Marisa Peer:Well, you know, if money made you happy, every wealthy person would be happy. If beauty made you happy, every supermodel would be happy. well that was my old job and that's how it's the most insecure and we know a lot of them aren't so the thing is your potential expands as you move to it so here's your potential it's in the middle of this table as you get to it it expands again and again so you could never ever ever know what your potential is and as you meet it hey i've written a book i need to write another book i got an oscar i need another oscar i designed and built this amazing house now it's finished i think I think I'll go and design and build another house now.

1:00:56Marisa Peer:So that is quite normal that you can never know what your potential is. And when your mind goes to a new dimension, it doesn't go back. So that's quite normal to say, I did it. I built this company. I wrote this book. I designed this house. I moved overseas. Now I'm thinking, well, where can I go now? Because your potential is limitless. And that's a good thing. The problem is when you can't stop and say, wow, look what I did and feel you've constantly got to achieve. So 25 % of the population are people who weren't noticed by their parents and they became the brilliant one. I'll just get an A star at school.

1:01:34Marisa Peer:I'll become a doctor, an architect, an accountant. I'll become rich. I'll become a sportsman. Then they'll like me. And so it's what I call foreplay, the four roles we must take on if we don't feel that we belong. I mean, if you're lucky enough to have parents say, I love you because you're you. you can be anything you like as long as you're happy I don't mind but if you're not sure of your place in the group one of the fastest ways to find it is to try to become brilliant at something whether that's um being great at sport or drama or academia but you see once you you've we play the only part we've ever known then we make it our own so there's that population that percentage who get their sense of being significant by achieving have to go on achieving because that's how they feel they matter.

1:02:26Marisa Peer:I only matter if I'm achieving, being seen to achieve, and I've got to do more, be more, get more. And so it's very hard for them to stop because their brain says, I'm worth it because I'm an achiever. It's conditional, isn't it? Yeah, it's conditional love. and so you have to go back and understand where did that begin where did you learn in your family if your parents had oh my son you know he's an A star pupil my son is the fastest runner my son is amazing at IT what you hear is and that's why you love me if I wasn't you wouldn't so that kind of person just in the group got all their significance from achieving they never got it just for being because of course you are a human being not a human doing that means you should be as much as you should do but it's rather like when I learned I got to earn my dad's attention and work for it so I didn't understand that could just be given just for being do you think well this is a two-pronged question do you think you have to kind of go through that to then kind of have that eureka moment that actually all of this stuff doesn't bring you maybe the happiness even though that's a fleeting emotion or are we just wired incorrectly in our society and actually we're just always peddling the wrong message because yeah we're wired if you go and hang out with a tribe i mean they're being aren't they they're they're they're doing sometimes spending some time hunting spend a lot of time just hanging out with each other conversing and being together so we do tell people you know happiness is linked to get a good job earn a lot of money buy a nice house have some children make them work hard and get a good job and buy a nice house and have some children and we are taught a lie you know keep achieving and achieving and a lot of people who've made it said you know I gave it all away I just decided I wanted a simple life do you think they're the happiest people because I always think about I don't know if you've heard about this kind of story where it's the fishermen oh yeah i know that story so well yeah and i always think about so if people haven't heard it there's i probably will say it wrong because i've only heard it a couple of times but there's a fisherman and there's a man who's saying you know you could get a boat and get some more fish and sell the fish and he's like okay but why would i want to do that well when you buy more fish you sell more fish then you can get a couple more boats and then you can kind of get a shop and sell more fish and he's like okay but why would i want to do that and he goes well by the time we get that maybe you can start exporting and hire more people you have like 100 people working for you and earn more money and start exporting outside he's like yeah but why would i want to do that and he's like well because when you do that you earn enough money to get an island and live on an island and actually take so much time off and he's like well that's what i do already that's what i do already that's what i'm doing day in day out and it really puts you into this context of like where where is the mind most of peace you know one of my clients they made a lot of money.

1:05:23Marisa Peer:They had a little house, they became very successful and they bought a mansion and they put a panic room in their daughter's bedroom and they explained to you and if anyone ever breaks in you go in the panic room, you shut the door and don't come out no matter what because you've got to be safe. I looked at her and she said I just miss my old house because I can't find my mummy and daddy. This mansion was so big because when I come out of my bedroom I call them, I can't find them. I miss my old house. I want to go back to my old house. They And, you know, I remember thinking about that poor little girl.

1:05:55She didn't like what they'd done.

1:05:57Marisa Peer:And then shortly after that, they got divorced and it went horribly wrong because the pinnacle of their life was to get all this money and buy a mansion. And when they did, they went, oh, what's next? They both broke up and it didn't really work out for them at all because at the end of people's lives, if you ask them what makes them happy, they won't say a mansion. and they'll say, well, hearing my children laugh or going for a walk in the park or my garden. I remember years ago being in the back of a taxi in the summer and the guy said to me, I've got the best job in the whole world. He said, you know, I finish work every day at half past two.

1:06:31Marisa Peer:I go back to my lovely house with my wife. We sit in the garden, my grandchildren. I feel like a billionaire. So I've got the best job in the world. I finish at 2.30. I'm in the garden with my beautiful wife, my lovely grandchildren. How lucky am I? and I love the way he framed that he worked for himself he drove his cab when he wanted to stop when he didn't you see that success is success is framing what you've got I'm happy now because there is no terminal called happiness there's no destination happiness is over there but as I get to it it keeps moving happiness is now and when you wake up and do your little gratitude journal when you wake up and go I love my life I love my sheets I love my bed I love hearing my little baby giggling down the hall I love my first cup of tea if you can get this aptitude for gratitude and say I love where I am right now because I'll be happy when when the kids have nappies when the child's gone to school when we've paid off the mortgage what you're saying is happiness is over there and I'm going to but happiness is where you are you have to say I'm happy now it's actually a choice to be happy.

1:07:41Marisa Peer:People think that's weird, but it is a choice to be. It's also a choice to be connected. You've got to choose it. I'm choosing connection. I'm choosing to sound happy right now. I'm literally happy. I'm waking up. It's a lovely day. Or it's a rainy day. I'm waking up. How nice. I'm in the house. It's raining. But we don't teach you that happiness is a choice. Connection is a choice. Liking yourself is a choice. Believing in yourself is a choice. I didn't have any of that growing up but I chose it later and it really changed my life and my only regret is I didn't choose it a lot earlier. Regrets are an interesting thing aren't they?

1:08:18Marisa Peer:Yeah. But you only change through wisdom you only change through failure is data. Sure everything that failure is feedback you know when you make a mistake and you learn from it you don't make it again. No you won't. That's a good thing. Would you give a tool to someone I mean obviously we have these mind tools where it's like that's familiar and this is unfamiliar and I want to go towards the unfamiliar to to feel my new safety mechanism being activated yeah that's what I'm taking from this but do you have any other like maybe body tool or something that someone can do maybe when their mind is running wild that can help them go into safety you know what I like is to say I'm choosing and I'm going to choose again.

1:09:02Marisa Peer:I've chosen to be here. I've chosen to be a stay-at-home mom. I chose that because I want my children to not be in nursery. So I chose it. Now I'm going to choose to feel good about it. And I can always choose later to go back to work. So I could say I've chosen to not eat refined sugar. And I'm choosing to feel great about it. I've chosen not to eat sugar and I miss it so much. Oh, my God, that Cadbury's. And I really like Kit Kats. Now I can't have them because now that's really undirectional. So a statement that can change your entire life is I've chosen this and I've chosen to feel great about it.

1:09:38Marisa Peer:I've chosen to write a book, which means I've chosen to lock myself away for 12 hours a day and just write, write, write, write, write, and then do line edits, but I chose it. And can I choose to say I feel great about it? Actually, you can because the brain doesn't know. Wow, here I am writing this book. There's nowhere else I'd rather be in the whole world. But if you say that, it actually becomes true because, again, those words are shaping your reality. So I like this thing because I've chosen it. I'm choosing to feel great about it. I've chosen it. I've chosen to feel great. And I can also choose again because every day you get to choose again.

1:10:12Marisa Peer:Well, actually, I realized I didn't like that at all. You know, years ago, someone asked me if I wanted to be a TV presenter. And I said, yeah, sounds great. You'd be great at being a TV presenter. Actually, it was hideous. I had to stand in the park with this banana muffin and get so excited about it. She goes, I can't do it. I have no idea. Get excited about this banana muffin. It was freezing cold. And I realized I didn't want to be a TV presenter at all because it was so fake. And I have great people who can do it, but I couldn't do it. It wasn't my gift. It wasn't my bag. It just wasn't me.

1:10:46Marisa Peer:You know, I'm a therapist. I was given that gift. You know, we're all here to do one thing. find your gift perfect your gift and share your gift with the world and I knew in that moment that my gift was being a therapist not a tv presenter and I realized I sucked at it that's okay because it wasn't I didn't feel bad I felt actually relieved you know my daughter was scouted in the street to be a model and she said mommy I hated every minute of walking down that catwalk well that's great darling if you hated it not got your name on it you're an artist you don't want to be a model people think being a model is great but when she did London Fashion Week she said I hated every minute of walking down that catwalk I felt just like a thing and people were judging me and I quite like the fact that she didn't like it because you only know what you like by doing what you don't like yeah so you know don't try to be good at everything you're not here to be a jack of all trades and a master of none find your gift just you only need one find your gift perfect your gift and share your gift with the world that's why you're here and we all have a gift but we're you know schools they'd be good at everything be good at every subject that's not possible because a creative person isn't scientific a scientific person isn't creative so we the school system really hurts kids because it folks and you must be good at everything so if you're good at everything but not sport you feel bad if you're good at sport and not academia you feel bad just be good at one thing yeah focus on the one strength I think that's when I started to really understand a lot about myself because I was told for many years I wasn't smart being unknown dyslexic and then I remember when I started speaking I remember I got my first TED talk and thinking I cannot stand on this stage because I can't speak properly because I'm a dyslexic but actually ended up being the strength that was really good I just never knew did you love it when you did the TED talk did you love it i was terrified but i absolutely loved it i was terrified but it was amazing and also it was a thousand people and that was the first time i ever spoke publicly and i remember thinking oh my god there's nothing else i could do that's more terrifying than this exact moment and i think it's because i went so in the deep end yeah that it just kind of like shattered your potential expanded so much when you did it yeah and often you realize because i I speak a lot, that when you get on stage, it feels great.

1:13:10Marisa Peer:Because you realise that's your gift. Beforehand, you know, one of my clients was in a rock band and he had to pay someone to push him on stage. He'd get so anxious just before. He was standing in the wings, the crowd are cheering, and he'd think, I can't do it. And he paid someone to literally push him on stage. Then he starts running his guitar and it was just fine. But amazing how many performers have a bucket to the side of the stage because they think they're going to throw up just before they go out. yeah and comedians too will say god you know i'm really beforehand i've got the adrenaline there's a story you would really like about someone asking bruce springs and what it's like it's amazing it's actually better than sex it is the best feeling in the whole world just before you perform your fingers tingle and you get all this adrenaline going through your body and it's just fantastic and you go out on stage it's like there's nothing better and then they cue to another famous performer who had retired and they said, why did you retire?

1:14:07Marisa Peer:She said, well, the most terrible thing happened. Just as I was about to go on stage I get all this feeling in my fingers and my hands would start to shake and I get this adrenaline going through my body and it was a massive panic attack and it kept happening, so I retired. And I love that because they both had an identical feeling. She said massive panic attack. He said better than sex, nothing like it, it's fantastic. So that's the truth that everything is a reframe you have to reframe you know what is a menopause it means you've done a great job you're not going to get pregnant anymore that's quite a great thing you can go past the tab as a go yes i don't need those anymore so your whole life is defined but can you reframe you know when i got cancer obviously the first two days was a bit of a shock and then i thought oh a stroke of luck i've got womb cancer i don't need a womb and i never had a menopause because i had a womb had a hysterectomy, I didn't have a womb and I never had a menopause.

1:15:01Marisa Peer:It was the oddest thing. Wow. Just felt exactly the same. Nothing changed. I don't know if I expected it, but of course they took my womb and my ovaries and they took everything away because they said, you know, if you get womb cancer, it wants to come back to that area. But if we take it all away, it won't come back. And so of course, for the first two days, I was really shocked because I felt so wow. And then I remember thinking, wow, what a stroke of luck. If I'm going to get cancer anywhere, it's the organ I don't need. I'm never going to need it again. It gave me the most beautiful baby, and I'm not going anywhere because as a single parent, I could not under any circumstances leave my daughter even though she was grown up.

1:15:42Marisa Peer:So I had a conversation with my womb and said, thank you so much for doing such a great job. I'm going to let you go now. And I went home the next day. I felt great. I was on stage a week later. I just felt like I had cancer. And I didn't have cancer all in a month. I had it. Found out I had it. Had surgery very quickly. Because they said, you know, it could go to your liver. And that's really terrifying. And then I didn't have it. And I never had a menopause. It was the oddest thing. Because they took everything away. My life was exactly the same. This reminds me of the Kylie documentary. Because she speaks a lot about cancer at the end of that.

1:16:17And like her thought processes and what she went through. And I think actually it's something that is so important when you're going through something. as extreme as cancer.

1:16:27Marisa Peer:And going through it is a great thing. Not to say I've got the worst cold. I'm going through something. Because going through it has a beginning and an ending. I'm going through it. And, you know, people might say, you're so unlucky to have cancer. But I think, no, I'm really lucky. I'm still here. You know, I had cancer in 2015. That's 11 years ago now. So here I am. And after five years, it's like you never had it. So it's very important not to go, I'm so unlucky. I'm lucky. I got an organ I didn't need. even breast cancer one of my friends said well I didn't need a breast I was very lucky it wasn't a leg or a spine or an eye I mean they and she gave it she's I feel like Barbie they gave me great breasts afterwards um so you've got to reframe what it is am I unlucky to get it or lucky to bounce back from it yeah I'm unlucky that my first relationship dumped me or lucky that I found someone even better I'm unlucky I got fired from that job or lucky because I found something better So are you unlucky that you didn't like modelling or lucky?

1:17:27Marisa Peer:Are you unlucky that those guys dumped you or lucky that they created a space for someone so much better for you? Yeah, it's always about what could be next. Yeah, what can you reframe? You know, everyone goes through adversity. Everyone's going to deal with bereavement, loss, tragedy. You've probably all been dumped or fired somewhere. But can you reframe it to say something better is right in front of me? I saw this amazing thing I sent this to a friend the other day of JLo there's this guy on Instagram who basically interviews celebrities about things and he's like what's one thing you want to know and she said the breakups and the biggest breakthroughs if you're being broken up with and he was like why and she said well if you're the one breaking hearts you never learn your lesson because you're just always breaking people's hearts but if you're the one being broken up with you actually said for me it's been the biggest transitions of my like understandings of myself and so now when anyone goes through a breakup or gets broken up with she's like we need to throw a party because it's like the best experience ever that you're ever going to go through and I just thought isn't that so positive because the amount of things on social media where they're like oh these are the five stages and you kind of can get lost in this like quite sorrow rhetoric whereas when I like listen to Jayla and she was just I I mean, she's obviously just beautiful and amazing.

1:18:47And I think she's, I just love her. And she was just so empowering. And I just thought she has such an amazing weight, similar to what you're saying, of, you know, how strong she felt through it.

1:18:59Marisa Peer:I never say they dumped me, they ripped out my heart and trampled all over it. Just go, we weren't a good energetic fit. Because that's the truth. No one is dumping you. No one's sitting home going, I'm dumping you. I'm not calling you. At four o 'clock. Breaking your heart. I'm rejecting you. It's actually very hard to say to someone, I'm so sorry, but this is not going to work out. I mean, I've been rejected and I've had to reject someone. I'm never saying to this guy, if I could love you, I would. You're an amazing guy. I'd love to love you, but I just energetically, it just doesn't, I don't feel it.

1:19:32Marisa Peer:And, you know, the more I didn't feel it, the more needy they are, the more repelling it is. So if ever you've had to break up with someone, no one loves saying, I don't love you. I'm dumping you. And if you do love that, there's something wrong with you because it's very hard to hurt someone. So I've been the hurter. And I've definitely been the one who said when someone else says, sorry, don't love you, not feeling it. But if you can say it just wasn't a good energetic fit. That's a great advice. That's better than saying I was dumped. I was ghosted. They dumped me. They rejected me. They didn't want me.

1:20:11Marisa Peer:Why wasn't I enough? no, none of that's true. You just were not a good energetic fit at that time. And, you know, if you look at someone like Catherine Zeta-Jones, I mean, she was rejected by John Leslie. That must have been, the gods must have aligned to say, thank goodness for that. And Angus was bad, and she had two fiancés that both broke up with her. She went to America and married Michael Douglas. I bet she sits down and says, thank you, God, so much that John Leslie dumped me because I married Michael Douglas. I'm now Hollywood royalty. you know often if you look back you'll say yeah you know that I got dumped I got fired I got rejected often it can be the best thing that ever happened to you so don't frame it as they broke my heart because if ever you've had love you have a template for love and of course you can have love again and again and again because once you have a template for sharing your life opening your heart and letting someone love you and loving them you can do it again so I was one of my clients I was saying you know this was the starter marriage it didn't work as having a starter home my starter home was one room it's a studio I loved it and I've got an amazing house with five bedrooms and five bathrooms and swimming pool but my start my first ever home little studio I loved it so much it was fantastic it was in Camden but that was my starter home I wasn't going to stay there forever you can say that was my starter marriage that was my starter a relationship then I expanded to something bigger and better but I don't regret the starter thing you know my first boyfriend was such a doll and he was so lovely but it was not going to last forever I was always going to move abroad and live a different life and he always stayed in you know I come from a village in Cambridge and he stayed in the village and that was his life but it wasn't mine but I can still look back and think he was the nicest boy ever he was so lovely to me but it wasn't an energetic fit I was going to be a teacher and live in this village and it's very it's a great thing to be a teacher but it wasn't you wasn't me doesn't mean being a teacher isn't amazing but I am a teacher now which is so funny that my dad wanted to be a teacher I rejected it and now I've come back and I speak on stage and I work in the school says well I'm a teacher just a kind of different teacher thank you so much for coming on the show what an amazing talk and by the way I do have some totally free audios on money blocks love blocks success blocks go to marissapeer.com slash gifts they were completely free share them with other people we should all grow in love and success and joy and they'll dismantle all the blocks for you thank you we'll link that in the show notes as well thank you

1:23:01Thank you.