Dr Martha on Children's Psychology

0:00Hello, I'm Monica Reinagle, host of the Nutrition Diva podcast. Summer is here and with it, the hot and sticky weather. A morning working in the garden, or maybe on the golf course, can leave you more depleted than you realize. And plain water isn't always the most efficient way to restore the balance. That's where liquid IV comes in. Its science-backed formula is clinically proven to hydrate faster than water alone. Whether you're exercising, playing outside, or simply surviving a summer heat wave, it's an easy way to stay hydrated. Shop now at liquidiv.com. Liquid IV, hydration that goes wherever life takes you.

0:35Hannah, I just Venmo'd you for dinner. Obsessed. I'm spending it right now on the lip gloss that's been sitting in my cart. What do you mean spending it right now? You can instantly spend your balance with the Venmo debit card or when you pay with Venmo at checkout. Stop. Say more. More exactly. The more you do with Venmo, the more you get. Like earning up to 5 % cash back with Venmo Stash. Get the Venmo debit card or checkout online. Venmo stash bundle terms and exclusions apply. Max$100 per month. See terms at venmo.me slash stash terms. Venmo checkout not available at all merchants. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank NA.

1:16Georgia Dayton: Hello and welcome to Made by Mamas the podcast. I'm Zoe Hardman. And I'm Georgia Dayton. And this is your parenting safe space where no conversation is off limits. With five kids between G and I, we have seen a lot. We really have. Each week, we'll be joined by some famous faces and experts, and we'll chat about the brands and products that have saved us along the way. In short, we're the parenting podcast for you. Before we get started, hit subscribe or follow so you're the first to know when each episode lands. And they're on Tuesdays and Fridays. And it really helps if you leave a rating and a review.

1:49Georgia Dayton: You can also find us on Instagram. We're on at Made by Mummers. But for now, George, should we get into it? Hello and welcome to Friday's episode of the podcast. A returning guest again because do you know what? Every time this guest comes on the podcast to do a Q &A, in fact she was one of our live guests, she just speaks the most amount of knowledge in terms of kids' anxiety, how we're feeling, all the back to school stuff and just kind of navigating those really tricky bits of behaviour that happen with our kids, the highs, the lows and everything else in between. Please welcome Dr Marta to the podcast.

2:21Georgia Dayton: I think we've lost count of how many times you've been on the podcast because we pretty much want to have you on speed dial. So thank you for coming back. Oh, I feel so lucky. I love chatting to you guys. And you always have really good, thoughtful, like, questions that resonate with lots and lots of parents. So it's great. It's great to come on and feel like I might be useful. Yeah, maybe. I mean, you're definitely useful. So we've had a load of questions in, Dr. Marta. So let's crack on. George, should you ready to kick us off? Yes. um oh this is this one really resonates with me actually we're really concerned about our daughter's people pleasing and lack of imagination please help i wouldn't be very concerned if she is a little one by little i mean like below six i'd be like that's all right to what is people pleasing so you know for me people pleasing gets talked about a lot but it's about behaving in ways that put others' needs before our own.

3:23What I would say is, sometimes people-pleasing is not a bad thing. So let's think about that. You know, when you have guests in your house, most of the time, all the things that you do is to please them. You might even say, you know, what kind of things do you like to eat? And you'll cook them a meal that fits. You know, you buy them snacks you know they'll enjoy. You'll get a drink that you know they'll appreciate. Like, we are people-pleasing. It actually supports us in building relationships. So we don't have to think about people pleasing as a negative, especially when we talk about little ones.

3:56I think you need to see it as she's probably modeling, copying something you're modeling. So you're probably, not that you're a people pleaser, but you're probably being like that with her, which just shows that you're a caring, thoughtful, loving parent. Right. Because that's what we do with our kids. Like, oh, look, I made you a cheese sandwich. the way you like it. Like, we do that. That doesn't mean we're people-pleasing as in, you know, it's affecting our life. So the way that it then goes the other way is if, you know, this little girl shares everything and doesn't keep anything for herself.

4:33For example, that would be an example. Let's say she's got a packet of crisps and other kids go, can I have one? Can I have one? And she shares them all and then she looks and she's got none. Now that would be not great. I wouldn't necessarily think there's a problem, but I would think let's build her assertiveness a little bit. So if you're worried as a parent, help your children learn. They can say no. Yes, you can have a crisp, but no, I'm going to keep the rest. Like, they're mine. And that even if the other children are upset or they're crying, it's okay to say, these are her crisps. I'm sorry.

5:08she doesn't want to share them today she's allowed not to share them that feels really confronting sometimes to parents like oh my god my child isn't generous yeah we're not always generous and it's okay to not always be generous like we need to give our kids permission to say no I don't want to share or no I don't want to give you my toy so just notice if she does it all the time and she's quite little because I don't know how old this kid is I would help by When you see it happen, go up to your girl either in the moment or later and say, did you really want to give your toy away? It's okay for you to keep it.

5:44And make sure that you model that too. Make sure that you show your kid that you sometimes say no. Sometimes if I'm eating something and my daughter says, can I have some? I'll go, no. It's mine. Do you?

5:57Georgia Dayton: That's so interesting because I would never do that. I would always, even if it was the last bit and I really wanted it, I would say, and I say to her, I say, you can have it because I love you. And not saying you don't, but that's my language around it. But then sometimes Kit will go, oh, can I have that bit? And Luna goes, no, that's mummy's last bit. Let mummy have that. She doesn't have any breakfast. So she steps up to me. She's standing up for you. Yeah, she's standing up for me, but that's also not her role. This whole people pleasing thing is such a minefield, I think, because it's got such negative connotations, hasn't it now?

6:28Georgia Dayton: But it's not all negative, bro. I think it is. I'm a total people pleaser as well. I do everything for everybody else, but I really enjoy it. Yeah. So, yeah. So it depends how it affects you. Like, it's the impact of it. And, you know, if we didn't do any people pleasing, I think lots of us wouldn't have good relationships with each other. Like. Yeah, it could be quite rude. Like, if you don't want to make other people, that's quite rude. Yeah. But it's okay. You know, Zoe, when you're like, oh, I'll give it to you because I love you. maybe you need to say this is my last bit and I really want it and they're like just pause and say that out loud I really want this and it's my last little bit but okay on this occasion you can have it if you want to give it but then you're allowing your daughter to experience like the whole situation does that make sense and every now and again when you pause she might say it's okay mommy I don't want it that bad and then you can go oh thanks I will I don't want her to feel bad for me for giving it to her like as if I go oh I really want this but actually okay you can have it then I don't want her to go oh no no no because then she starts going then she starts flapping I don't know if anyone else has this oh yeah no actually no no mommy it's okay you have it and then we've got this whole no no it's okay you have it you got and then it's like oh for goodness sakes kit just comes along and goes well I'll eat it then yeah I think if you get into that scenario you just need to stay allow her to be no no no no no no just let her calm down and then go it's mine whatever it is it's my chocolate it's my crisp whatever I get to choose and I'm choosing you right the end okay like really calm really clear because that helps kids realize it's a choice because you and then you have to at some point so we try to make the choice I don't choose you I choose me but I think I mean we're talking about food as an example but I think there's occasions where you already choose yourself because you know I follow you online Zoe and I've seen like I think it's beautiful that you do go away and you do things without your kids and you're like it's my time and I think there's a balance as long as there's a balance it's okay if you always give her your last chocolate because maybe the chocolate doesn't really matter to you even though it's your last but maybe there are other occasions where you're like no no I choose me I'm going away now and I'm having my time you know like take the chocolate give me a beaver that's exactly what the negotiations need to be yeah do I just want to just quickly before we move on to the next question because we're talking about people pleasing and we're talking about it like with I guess like younger kids and you know like in terms of food and stuff but what about when you know kids get older and they do things to please their parents how do you like sort of combat that because that worries me like my son's a people pleaser he's nine you know he's pretty harmless at the moment it's not a big deal but what I worry about is you know him sticking at doing something he doesn't like because he thinks we want him to like that's where that that's where it worries me and I want to nip it in the bud before it gets so that's about approval yeah that's about him being like I want you to approve of me so the best way to kind of come back I mean he's nine one conversation have an open conversation about it like you're doing i don't know you're playing football because daddy loves football but do you love football yeah you know conversation honest open honest simple conversation especially at this age and if he's like yeah i do but you're like that doesn't sound like you do like you know your kid best so talk about it and go i see you be really passionate about I don't know making it up swimming like when we're on holiday you're really into swimming but you don't really watch football you don't have a football team you kind of go to football practice because daddy takes you and it's made me think maybe you don't love it do you love it because if you don't you don't have to do it do you know that you know it's about just opening it up and being like it's not a big deal daddy will be upset he does it because he likes it but you don't have to do it so I think when they get older you need to really open up the conversation and you know the message is one of acceptance which is I accept you even if you don't like the things that I like and actually enter their world so at nine he will have things that he's into really start to get interested into them I think nine is that age where we start to move from kids do what we take them to and what we do into kids start to have their own identities like separate to ours so enter this world maybe it's online maybe it's a sport whatever it is and ask him about it and get really interested in it even if it's you know totally not your thing different from your world yeah that's a great bit of advice that is um this is from Charlie eight-year-old struggles to form friendships how to help him find his confidence and friends oh tricky I think if your eight-year-old struggles to make friends often the context is school one of my ways in so there's lots of things you can do but one is think about extracurricular activities we just talked about hobbies but are there things your kid is really interested in passionate about can you find outside of school those activities where he might meet other kind of kids who all have one thing in common a common interest it's also like great for adults if you're an adult who's like you know in a new city or like London it's such a big city you can feel really lonely find something you're really passionate about and do it with people and you will meet because you all meet in the middle you're like I have this thing and I love it and so that connects you one two if you think it's because your kid is one of those slow to warm kids or maybe a little bit shy doesn't maybe it's emotional then I think you need to work on the emotion you need to support your child in developing coping strategies if you think it's skill-based my kid doesn't know how to start a friendship or start a conversation you need to build those skills practice practice one-on-one is so much better than a big group it's really overwhelming so think about can you do some play dates at the weekend are there little friends they like could you join in go to the park do things you know go to a cafe together whatever with the parent i think it's about skilling them up and offering opportunities where there are other friends and just remember not all kids make best friends for life at school I think we don't talk about that for some reason, but it's really important to recognize some people make best friends out of school and, you know, in college, at work, you know, wherever.

13:23School is not always the context where these really close friendships are made. If your kid doesn't find his or her people at school, like, don't worry. There are other kind of contexts where they...

13:37Georgia Dayton: Also, having friendship groups for kids outside of school is so important. I completely agree. It's completely separate to the life that they are not forced into, but have to go to every single day. And it's a joy to watch them have those, like you said, different interests and different connections outside of that box that they have to be in Monday. It's really protective because if something happens at school, there's a fallout, there's, I don't know, anything, they can rely on these external friendships that are not in that context and so you know it's a different pattern of friendship that 100 it's really healthy yeah and definitely when they get to secondary school i think it becomes even more important doesn't it that they've got that outside um interest um oh this is good four-year-old is great with adults but indifferent with children their own age won't speak to them.

14:31Georgia Dayton: Any advice? I would think about this within the context of other things like do they never speak to any other child or is it just when there's adults around they have a preference for adults? I'm going to throw it out there. I'm sure this parent has thought about it but it could be a sign of neurodivergence. Children who have differently wired brains tend to prefer adult company to child company not all kids some kids and the reason is we're really predictable we we tend to sit and chat yeah we're much more predictable than a small child so a four-year-old kid is spontaneous and they'll pick something and they'll run around and they'll you know they their plan is not really a plan right four-year-olds exist in a world of here and now and I do as I feel.

15:21Adults tend to sit with a cup of tea and they talk and they, it's a lot calmer and it's a lot more predictable. Adults, of course, we're expressive with our faces, but we tend to be less expressive than children. You know, like if you watch a kid, like their face is doing all sorts of things like constantly. So if your kid is neurodivergent, they might struggle with that and they might feel safer, more soothed, more calm, in adult company but I wouldn't think that that is the one you know neurodivergence is like a spectrum like it's a constellation of things so you can't just take that one thing and be like tick I want to be really cautious about that but I think if you see it happening a lot going back to what I said before about friendships it's very similar think about is it skill is it anxiety you know is there something blocking them from talking to other children do you need to build those skills and at four I would do more role play a lot more one-on-ones with one child that you think is quite aligned with your kids um because it might just be part of that kids development that they're like I want to be with the adults but I don't feel safe with the little ones so I would build it up and just explore it four is so little you know yeah socially they're so immature so I I said what I said about neurodivergence because I feel like it has to be named but it doesn't have to be that there's so much more you can do in between yeah also I do

16:52Georgia Dayton: think there's actually I think there's a big shift in confidence between four and five and I think sometimes a lot of kids find it overwhelming to be around large groups of kids their own age or if kids don't match them in energy they tap out I've seen yeah you know like if they if they can't mix that sort of friend meet that sort of frantic you know all over the place four-year-old energy they just go well actually i'm going to go to my safe space so yeah yeah i think yeah it's good it's good to talk about the neurodiversions but i also think like you said dr martin there's probably other things that it could also be well investigating and think about context think about who these kids are and think about setting up like structure tends to help kids if you think oh yeah it is anxiety or they're slow to warm up structure it unstructured play can be really overwhelming for like two kids who are not friends so structure it be like look there's a table of I don't know stickers I put some blocks out you know make it really structured so your kids have something to land on rather than how do I play with you we'll be right back after this short break

17:59Hannah, I just Venmo'd you for dinner. Obsessed. I'm spending it right now on the lip gloss that's been sitting in my cart. What do you mean spending it right now? You can instantly spend your balance with the Venmo debit card or when you pay with Venmo at checkout. Stop. Say more. More exactly. The more you do with Venmo, the more you get. Like earning up to 5 % cash back with Venmo Stash. Get the Venmo debit card or checkout online. Venmo stash bundle terms and exclusions apply. Max$100 per month. See terms at venmo.me slash stash terms. Venmo checkout not available at all merchants. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A.

18:38Hello, I'm Monica Reinagle, host of the Nutrition Diva podcast. Summer is here and with it, the hot and sticky weather. A morning working in the garden or maybe on the golf course can leave you more depleted than you realize. And plain water isn't always the most efficient way to restore the balance. That's where Liquid IV comes in. Its science-backed formula is clinically proven to hydrate faster than water alone. Whether you're exercising, playing outside, or simply surviving a summer heat wave, it's an easy way to stay hydrated. Shop now at liquidiv.com. Liquid IV, hydration that goes wherever life takes you.

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19:46Georgia Dayton: Welcome back to this episode of Made by Mamas. Now, where were we? This one's interesting. Angry, almost aggressive behaviour from my 16-year-old. Great student, athlete, just super angry at the moment. Any help? Ooh. As a boy? I don't know. We don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but would there be a difference in that, obviously, to do with hormones? Not really. I would say anger is, I mean, 16. So what I think about in 16 is, one, they're clearly going through adolescence. This is like the later stage of adolescence. There can be so much going on for them. Still hormones soaring through their bodies, changes in their bodies, changes in their social interactions.

20:29What I would say about anger, if you start to see like really heightened anger and you're like, this is different. I mean, it can be so many things, but I would explore every area. You know, you need to look at every aspect. So anger is often a mask that we wear for more vulnerable feelings. So is your child struggling with something socially or emotionally or in their relationships with their peers or something they, you know, sexuality really comes alive at about this age? So is there something going on for them that they're not able to communicate in words, but they're like showing as an emotion?

21:09Are they feeling sad? are you know is there some kind of often anger masks some kind of sadness or like disappointment in something like what is what is that about and again at this age i would say it's a conversation and the way that it sounds because parents can feel really oh my god but what do i say to me you make it super simple i always say like talk about you in relationship to your child because you don't know what's happening for your child so just be really curious name it i would just say something's up I don't know what's wrong but you're really angry and that's not who you are like that's not what I normally see around you I'm worried about you so I want to understand so that I can help you what is going on talk to me you know and they might go nothing's going on I don't want to talk about it and you can go okay well I know something's up because you're very very angry so I'm worried that it might be whatever you know your kid best and you know explore it with them and what i would say is at this age if they just shut down let them be don't push but just keep reminding them i'm here for you right and i think see anger as set a boundary around it it's not okay if your kid is like i don't know smashing things or shouting in your face like you need to be really firm like that's not okay no matter what else is happening to them so you need to set that boundary and be like you're not allowed to shout to me and definitely move away from your kid or say please go to your room take some space you know it's not a punishment it's a safety thing right you can't behave like this you can't talk like this it's totally rude please go away and when you're ready I'm here for you right we can have a contract yeah yeah two you know at 16 are they drinking energy drinks are they vaping are they what you know drinking alcohol alcohol yeah all those things weed all those things can impact on this emotion that you're seeing and then are they sleeping enough sleep are they on social media again social media can really really kind of accentuate any kind of social things that are happening in the real world and if they're staying up late at night they might be overtired you know seeing content that doesn't help them.

23:33So they might just be more irritable. Sleep is such a core need, which we don't talk about enough. But you know, if you don't sleep enough, you your emotional capacity shrinks. Yeah, it's like the first thing that takes away our emotional capacity, which is why when parents are really sleep deprived, they're often snappier. But the same is true of teenagers and particularly 16 year olds, they need a lot of sleep, like their brains have actually got a big sleep need to consolidate everything they're going through so i would think about all those areas and have like a conversation and then work through it as best you can and if you're really concerned please seek support from like a health professional at 16 i always think about mental health like don't just leave it to just go it'll get fixed if you're like no this is worrying me like they're aggressive they're violent go to take them to the doctor take it seriously it's not a punishment tell your child I care about you my job is to look after you and we need to get support so that you don't feel this way and also understanding anger I think as

24:39Georgia Dayton: adults is is really key because our kids do present with anger like you said when they're masking something else and also anger is something that we don't necessarily see day to day you know It's not like I see this level of anger sometimes from my kids with anybody else, like going to the shop or popping into the office or whatever it is. So it's quite confronting and it's actually can be really overwhelming. But they're also figuring out, I think, I believe when I look at where they're figuring out how to control their own anger and what it means for them. And then comes the shame and then comes the tears and then comes.

25:11Georgia Dayton: I don't want to squash all the anger out of them because I think it's a necessary emotion in certain aspects of life. At the same time, it is overwhelming for us as their parents to see them get that angry. Absolutely. We need to teach them how to be angry rather than squash it. But, you know, violence and aggression are not okay. You know, you can express anger by being like, I'm really angry or like, you know, I'm getting really frustrated right now. But it's not okay to like smash things or swear. No, of course not. That's the difference. Here's another one. perfect child at school at home we have big explosions of bad behavior and emotions my son is six in year two could the big emotions mean adhd i need help on handling it okay so one it's very common for kids to be perfect children at school and then to come home and misbehave home is their safe space you know to me that's a good positive sign it's not a failure on your part or a failure on their part it's just your house is safe and so that's what happens I always compare it to adults when we go to work and we like you know function and then we get home and we're just like we let loose and maybe we're a bit snappy because we're actually really tired but we didn't behave like that with our work colleagues right we just hold it in and kids do exactly the same thing at school especially at six two schools just started so I would say this is new this is i would call it restraint collapse which is exactly what i just explained that emotional holding in of stuff at school and then like exploding at home three it doesn't sound like adhd like the parent has said this so when a child has adhd they don't tend to be able to mask that well at school it tends to show up right yeah it's very hard for them so So teachers would say something.

27:11They will, part of an ADHD diagnosis is that it presents in more than one context. Yeah. So it has to be more than just at home. It has to show up at school. And at school, it would show up as disruptive behavior, you know, chatting in the middle of class or being unable to sit down or looking like they're daydreaming, not listening, you know, not hearing instructions, not following through with like two or three steps, things like that. so if that's not a concern in the classroom I would say it's probably not that it's more likely to be the transition back to school from summer the fact that there's a lot for kids to take in when they're at school not just learning but the social bit the sounds the movement like there is so much stimulation and a couple of things try it and then that will give you a clue I always think of it as clues is this what it is offer your kid like some downtime when they come home i always say a snack a drink and like some quiet time somewhere with like you know dimmed lighting so a little kind of den or in their bedroom with the blinds down either doing something like fidget toys are great or a little puzzle if they're into that or sticker books drawing anything really calm one thing right one little chill out 10-15 minutes and maybe if you've got time you sit with them you have your cup of tea for 10 minutes and you just don't ask them lots of questions don't put lots of pressure on them like what did you do no we're going to leave all of that we're just going to let their brains and bodies settle at home and then you can get on with your every day like take the pressure off when you pick them up i hear every day at pickup i hear parents go what did you do at school and I'm like give your kids a minute to breathe like just let them breathe they need to transition to home and then they'll open up like if you do it too soon for some kids it's like pressure that's yeah I don't know where that comes from that does

29:13Georgia Dayton: obviously we want to find out if they're happy I guess we want and that they've had a happy day but actually George how annoying is it when people oh yeah how was your day tell me everything you're like yeah sometimes it says to me what do you know tell me everything and I go oh my god I can't I can't say I can't say another word I don't know I don't know anything I'm not sure what I did today that's why me me pre-kids me and my husband used to like not speak to each other for like a good hour when we got home did you like yeah I don't want to talk to you don't want to talk to you yeah yeah before kids I had very hectic NHS life and I was like nope don't talk to me yeah you can smile we can give each other a cuddle like physical but I am not chatting to you like I cannot deal with the chatter.

29:53I need a moment. George, how long have you put the husbands on the talking band?

29:59Georgia Dayton: Well, if we get home at 6 and we like to go to bed at 8.30, maybe two hours. Do you not do that sometimes, though? Like you, I do. I watch TV, I watch my show, and my husband's somewhere else doing something else. Like, that's a nice night in sometimes. I just go upstairs and get in the bath and read a magazine. Nice. and my husband and he used to think oh I'm gonna come in and talk to you and you know whatever um and now he knows and whatever and now he knows that like if I'm going in the bath and I'm closing the door that means like I don't want to talk my time alone yeah yeah exactly my time is important and I think for kids it's really important so with this parent I would say try that and be really kind of structured about after school giving your kid a little break and if it you know if it settles in the next two or three weeks I would let it go if you're really concerned talk to teachers and find out what they're like at school if you think yeah this is something else but for most kids it's not it's and this is really common by the way you're not alone like so many kids are doing this do you think sometimes as well like she says oh you know perfect child at school for like someone in year two like they're yeah she said six in year two it's quite hard to behave for six hours and like do you know what I mean for some kids who don't want to sit down who don't want you know they're not particularly interested in reading or writing I mean some kids are and it's fine but for a lot of kids who aren't that's quite a lot of energy to be putting into like just trying to behave for the whole day and then when they get home no wonder that that you know they have big emotions because they've probably been suppressing like oh I hate it I hate the george that's such a good point actually and also it's okay to let them just come in and just flop out for a bit i believe yeah like i really don't think we need to put too much pressure on you know this like after school if they've even come back from a club or whatever if they just want to come back and just relax on the sofa and just watch a bit of telly then just let them do it for a bit yes and i like it's actually something i talk about i think kids the should is too much but I think we should move from things like tablets and smartphones, whatever, and go back to old school TV.

32:18Yeah. Because actually TV is slow. It's often stories. It's going to help their kids, like kids' brains and bodies. Just they're lying on a comfortable sofa. You know, their brains just have time to switch off. It's not bad for them. If they're watching something that's entertaining or, you know, healthy, you know, short form videos are much worse. They're really stimulating for the brain. But TV, a good TV show, you know, 20 minutes, half an hour of a good TV show is not bad. It's just restful. Yeah. And then they can move on, transition off to somewhere else. It just gives them that break that they, like, allows their body to rest, which they kind of need at the end of a long school day.

33:01Georgia Dayton: There's a couple of questions around nail biting and anxiety. Okay. Have you got any advice on how to stop the nail biting and why are the two correlated? Like we often see, don't we, people getting nervous about it all the bite around here, but why? Yeah, good question. So I'm not sure it's a correlation. I think some people, when they're nervous, they have like, like if they're mouthy, they've got a tendency to want to put something in their mouths. And so our hands are with us all the time. It's really easy to do. but bite nail biting is not a sign of anxiety right so it might be something some people do when they're anxious but it's not a sign of anxiety it's a habit and because our hands are with us all the time it's often kids who are quite sensory around oral sensory stuff so they like things in their mouths um and you know there's people like that too that's why people chew gum for example um right it's or bite the end of a pen like some people do that some people never do that i'm mouthy i'm mouthy you're mouthy gum i like biting pens i bite the end of a pen yeah yeah me too me too so i'm mathy i used to bite my nails bad but it wasn't anxiety it was just habit um so it's tough so what i would say to a lot i say this to parents all the time nail biting is a really tough one to break because their hands are with them all the time what you need to do is figure out when it happens so is it anxiety is it when they're nervous and if so we need to develop coping strategies for anxiety that are way more effective than nail biting and introduce them practice them things like breathing so i talk about like hot chocolate breathing you know you imagine you're holding a cup of hot chocolate or make one as a practice smell it hold and then blow it to cool it down have a little sip do it again right and that will yeah nice and little kids you know they can put their little hands out like this which is also soothing touch is really soothing even our own touch to ourselves warm loving touch is soothing so even if they just cup their hands like this like i'm doing that's already soothing them believe it or not and then if they do the breathing exercise it will regulate their nervous system so if it's anxiety practice on things like that if it's boredom it's often boredom right they're watching tv something passive and yeah you need to keep their hands busy get them a fidget toy keep keep their hands moving you know a rubik's cube whatever anything that pops anything that keeps their fingers really fidgety that will stop them from biting their nails if it which often is a sensory thing as well like but also because their nails are long you got to keep those nails short and you replace the habit so keep those nails really short which might include every every day checking them cutting them and filing them and teach your child to file so again if it's sensory thing whenever they might do it which is often at a time where we're pausing tv sat in a car blah give them a nail file so think about when they do it and then bring in something to like divert the the behavior do you remember that disgusting stuff we used to um be forced to put on our nails in the 80s it was cool but it tasted horrific you used to put it in your mouth and it was the most disgusting awful taste in the world yeah parents try that like a version but it doesn't really work long term like I remember just being like well I'll just get rid of that horrible one and then I'll just and do it one of my good friends literally bit her now she must have been in her 30s when she stopped biting her nails and the only way that she stopped doing it was by getting jowl nails because it was she said it was a different sensation and one that she didn't like it wasn't the same so that's the only way it's not seeing it if I can't see them yeah and they're always short I can't grow my nails yeah but you know and with my kids like my eldest did start biting your nails she doesn't anymore so it never became a habit because I like caught it really fast the faster you catch it the easier it gets like all habits takes time right but with her I was very clear that actually if she grew her nails and we could cut them then at the weekend I would paint them so that was her treat that was so they need to be long so I can cut and then you can and so she does and now she's like look mommy they're long and then we cut and then so that was one of our techniques and now she doesn't really need it but she she doesn't really find them we'll be right back after this short break

37:53hello I'm Monica Reinagle host of the Nutrition Diva podcast Summer is here and with it, the hot and sticky weather. A morning working in the garden or maybe on the golf course can leave you more depleted than you realize. And plain water isn't always the most efficient way to restore the balance. That's where Liquid IV comes in. Its science-backed formula is clinically proven to hydrate faster than water alone. Whether you're exercising, playing outside, or simply surviving a summer heat wave, it's an easy way to stay hydrated. Shop now at liquidiv.com. Liquid IV, hydration that goes wherever life takes you.

38:28Hannah, I just Venmo'd you for dinner. Obsessed. I'm spending it right now on the lip gloss that's been sitting in my cart. What do you mean spending it right now? You can instantly spend your balance with the Venmo debit card or when you pay with Venmo at checkout. Stop. Say more. More exactly. The more you do with Venmo, the more you get. Like earning up to 5 % cash back with Venmo Stash. Get the Venmo debit card or checkout online. Venmo stash bundle terms and exclusions apply. Max$100 per month. See terms at venmo.me slash stash terms. Venmo checkout not available at all merchants. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A.

39:11Georgia Dayton: Welcome back to this episode of Made by Mamas. Now, where were we? There's quite a lot on, you know, like how to sort of help a super sensitive child and how they can build up resilience and how to help them build up resilience. So are there some good strategies in helping your child be more resilient? So the thing with resilience that I think is important to talk about so I can then tell you what to do is resilience isn't about toughening up because that question comes up to me all the time about sensitive kids. sensitive kids I think are like the power of the world the generate like we need more sensitive kids we need more kids with lots of empathy who feel their emotions who care about others who care about the world please can we all be more sensitive actually because if we did we probably have less wars and we'd probably be less aggressive and you know honestly the world will function better with more sensitive people so let's see sensitive kids not as a negative thing just as something to like support and develop skills around resilience is about feeling your feelings which might include i'm crying and then moving through it it's not about i'm hard as nails i feel nothing i just get on okay that's not resilience that's bottling up emotion stoicism is not actually very good for our mental health.

40:43No. You know, sometimes you have to be stoic. So, you know, an example is you suffer a bereavement, obviously as an adult. I'm talking about adults. But if you go through a bereavement, that's really tough. And then you get some time off and you go back to work. It doesn't mean that you're okay, right? It doesn't mean that the memory of someone that you love is going to just suddenly disappear. But you might have to be a little bit stoic at work so you can carry on. And then when you get home, you might crumble. And hopefully have coping strategies, talk to a friend, you know, allow yourself to go to bed, you know, whatever it is that works.

41:16Soothe yourself with like comforting food, whatever, because you need it. But that is resilience. I've gone through something tough and I'm carrying on with kids. It's things like they cry at school because they miss you and they don't really want to be there. They want to be with you, which is like beautiful. See, that as a strength. How great. You have such a good relationship with your kid. they're telling you I love you so much I'm gonna miss you hold on to that like when they're teenagers they won't do it so hold on to that and then they get to school and they get on with their day and they come out running smiling that's resilience yeah it's not they just walk into school and they're fine but if your kid walks into school and they're fine that doesn't mean there's a problem by the way okay I'm just talking about the sensitive the super sensitive kids the way that we build resilience with sensitive kids is one you allow them to feel it's like paradoxical but rather than trying to shut it down allow it tell them all their feelings are valid they're allowed to be upset they're allowed to be scared they're allowed of course they're allowed it's their experience of the world and two develop coping strategies with them help them feel safe so

42:25Georgia Dayton: sensitive kids often need a little bit more time yes yeah yeah the real deep empaths yeah definitely the sensitive yes it's 100 hold it just be like it's okay that you feel that way that's absolutely fun i'm here for you we'll just let remind them let it pass right emotions are like waves they come and they go and we need to teach our kids that they go without you doing anything that emotion will pass and i'm here i'm here to wait with you and then it'll go and when it goes we move forward so we don't avoid don't avoid with really sensitive kids which is a really easy thing without meaning to that we do as adults because we're like oh it's too much for our kids so we'll take them out because then they don't build yeah resilience resilience yes okay that's so interesting now you've calmed down like okay the sea my eldest loved swimming in a pool but she used to be really scared of the sea which is really common right the waves the noise the white water she was like and so we just did it step by step but i didn't avoid it i was like and you'll come in with me once you're calm we'll go in a little bit just enough and once you got really scared we stopped i didn't go back though i just stopped yeah and waited and then we went back on the sand and then we did it again and she runs in the sea now you know she runs in but you know it takes time so just be patient I've got a sensitive slow to warm up kid just take time and remember resilience is built in the struggle but with safety not in the struggle just throw them in sure yeah because that's not resilience that's just going to build their fear so just do it slowly yeah and and also I think sometimes and I don't want to categorize men but sometimes there is a conversation I can only speak for my husband and James where sometimes it's a bit like just get on with it you need to toughen up just be more resilient god you're too sensitive like what get over it it's only it's only a wasp what are you frightened of that for oh yeah you know and George and I talk about it a lot where we're like we allow them to hold space for that fear and we say to them do you know what wasps are scary dads are so important we need to recruit dads to do more of what you and george are doing because especially around little boys please don't ask little boys to toughen up like actually allow them to be a full human with emotion it's so important for their mental health for their well-being for you know we talked about that adolescent show and all these things yeah honestly it starts at home with us right and as yeah so many dads so many men have grown up in that in that world where you need to be tough yeah yeah but actually i mean fact i know i've met some of your men um the toughness is again it's a map some of them not all of them some of our men that actually sounds so dodgy it's because i've met your husband so some of your men there's a queue of them outside the house got some water do you remember these guys some of them where do you see us off camera that is so funny that's in the past now we're happily married we need to recruit men to allow our boys to be sensitive and to not see it as a source of shame or a sign of weakness it's human to feel and so if you're scared of a bee it's about saying oh but bees aren't gonna touch you this is what my husband says because my daughter has that not all the time but in the summer it's like she realizes they exist and she's like ah and he always says but you're not a flower they're not going to land on you which I love that's what he says they're not you're not a flower they're not going to land on you let's go and watch them look and even when you watch them he says things like look they're picking up the nectar and they're getting all the little pollen and whatever and so she watches in fascination and learns that if you just watch from her father not going to come near you that's resilience right she's scared but she's got a safe person with her yeah and they're talking about it and she's not avoiding it and then they go away um and i think it's so important for men to show that it's okay to feel not just with little girls but little boys too because boys are allowed to have feelings to be scared to be sad to have joy you're allowed all the emotions like yeah it's a problem when our little boys are not allowed to have a full range of feeling well I think that's a perfect way to end the conversation Dr Marta thank you so much for coming in George wow it's like a therapy session isn't it I love it every time you come on I go away with so many things to think about as well so yeah really enjoyed it I always enjoy the chat with you guys it's always enjoyable it's great and to everybody listening that's sent in their questions thank you so much these Q &As are for you I think I know that there's lots of women across the country and men who've sent in those questions just going thank you So we're all sending our thanks.

47:26Georgia Dayton: And for you guys listening, thank you again. As always, we'd love you to rate, review, subscribe, and please give our podcast a little follow. Yeah, and if you've enjoyed this episode or you've got any feedback on it, then drop us a DM on Instagram. We're on at Made by Mamas, and we'll be back on Tuesday.

47:49Hello, I'm Monica Reinagle, host of the Nutrition Diva podcast. Summer is here and with it, the hot and sticky weather. A morning working in the garden or maybe on the golf course can leave you more depleted than you realize. And plain water isn't always the most efficient way to restore the balance. That's where Liquid IV comes in. Its science-backed formula is clinically proven to hydrate faster than water alone. Whether you're exercising, playing outside, or simply surviving a summer heat wave, it's an easy way to stay hydrated. Shop now at liquidiv.com. Liquid IV, hydration that goes wherever life takes you.

48:25Hannah, I just Venmo'd you for dinner. Obsessed. I'm spending it right now on the lip gloss that's been sitting in my cart. What do you mean spending it right now? You can instantly spend your balance with the Venmo debit card or when you pay with Venmo at checkout. Stop. Say more. More exactly. The more you do with Venmo, the more you get. Like earning up to 5 % cash back with Venmo Stash. Get the Venmo debit card or checkout online. Venmo Stash Bundle Terms and Exclusions Apply. Max$100 per month. See terms at venmo.me slash stashterms. Venmo checkout, not available at all merchants. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A.