Leanne Hainsby-Alldis on Her Bumpy Ride Through Grief, Cancer and Peloton

0:00Mammas: The holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, but let's be real. Between family gatherings, endless plans, and trying to make everyone happy, they can also be overwhelming. Sometimes the biggest win is setting a boundary. Maybe it's saying no to an event you don't have energy for, or choosing to stay calm during a stressful family conversation. Those little moments can make a big difference. That's what growing feels like, and that's where grow therapy comes in. Therapy isn't just about navigating life's biggest challenges. It's about those small, everyday moments that help you feel more grounded and in control.

0:36Mammas: Grow Therapy makes finding support easier by connecting you with licensed therapists who fit your needs and accept your insurance. Book your first session in minutes and start in as little as two days. Sessions average$21 with insurance. Some pay as little as$0 depending on your insurance plan. Prepare for holiday glimmers instead of holiday stress. Visit growtherapy.com slash ACAST to get started today. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. Hey, we're Nick and Jack hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, email, spreadsheets, and our shared Google Doc, the headline hammer.

1:16Mammas: With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs, and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at go.gle slash workspace with Gemini. That's go.gle slash workspace with Gemini.

1:48Mammas: Hello and welcome to Tuesday's episode of the podcast. now I actually mentioned that we were chatting to you to a friend on Friday and she screamed and wanted to change her work lunch which was around the corner so no joke literally so she could come into the recording I've never actually had that response to anybody else that I've mentioned so yeah if you are a peloton goer peloton lover a pelotoner I'm sure you're gonna to know this guest. So joining us today is Peloton instructor and absolute like Peloton, what do you call it? The Hall of Fame queen, Leanne Hainsby. Yay!

2:33Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: Thank you for having me. Looking so gorgeous and fresh. Thank you. Not feeling quite so fresh. So I'll take that. Thank you. When I said that to you, when you came in, you went, I've had a morning on the bike.

2:43Mammas: Yeah.

2:45Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: Is that a euphemism?

2:46Mammas: But no, you've been on the bike all morning.

2:49Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: I've been on the bike all morning, yeah. How does it work? Four classes. What? Oh, my God. Hang on.

2:53Mammas: So, we always ask our guests how they're morning.

2:55Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: Yeah. So, actually tell us, like, what does that look like for you? So, my... Today, every day is different. Okay. Today, my... At the moment, my little boy who's coming up to 11 months just, like, doesn't want to sleep, which is great. So, we were up at 4.30, just like, hi, hiya, hi, hi. so um was you know just i'm trying to pin him down until six o 'clock yeah and then i'm up frantically running around the house trying to get everything done before i left at seven and went to the peloton studio and not every day is like this but today is my kind of we call it banking our content so um i've filmed four classes i am fascinated by this because

3:42Mammas: So I don't have a Peloton bike, but Peloton, please call me because I'd love one. Me too. How does it work? Come and see me in the studio as well. Oh my God, yes. I'm really not far away. I love spin classes and I love being on a bike. So I'm in. Okay. So how does it work with Peloton? What does a normal session look like?

3:59Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: And how do you come up with the ideas behind the classes? So there's two different types of classes that we'll do. One is a coach to camera. So it's just me in the studio as if everyone's there. but I'm just on my own which I think some people find quite bizarre but I'm very used to it now I've been doing that for eight years and those classes they're different kind of music genres class length intensity and I'll coach that to the cameras and they'll still be live so there'll be a live leaderboard and those classes will drop on demand and then at the weekend we do member classes where members come in and they fly in from all over there's people every weekend that have flown in from america as part of their vacation they'll fly in and take a peloton class they just love it so much i think it's because people have maybe found something that makes them feel good it's maybe one of the first things that they've locked in a bit of consistency with there's uh people ride with different member tags the peloton mums is a huge one i think it's you know when as mums you're super time poor if you've got a peloton you can jump on it and so i think people are finding a a lot of community and confidence and yeah they come in and they've done it as part of their vacation i'm always very impressed with the organization that's incredible I know.

5:28Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: You're like like a celebrity Pelotoner. I think if you love Peloton, I would hope you maybe have done one of my classes. But I think if if you don't do it, sometimes you're like, what is going on there? But there's millions of members. And I always say to people, you just got to give it a go. Like as soon as you give it a go, you'll understand it. I can totally understand why from the outside in, it might look completely bizarre at times. but I think it's just it's really cool it's like mixing presenting with being a DJ with the fitness side of it and I think people like coming into the studios because they see all the

6:09Mammas: red lights they think you know they're part of something as well I think and then it moves from like being in the online community to in real life yeah that's what everyone wants and do you get to choose the music yeah everything loads of people always love to know this they they wonder

6:26Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: if we have anyone in our ears we don't um we choose the music we work with a kind of production team to figure out globally what works in terms of what classes we're doing because we've got all of our colleagues in new york and we're working to a global schedule but in terms of what that class looks like it's on me fitness plan what i say um music all of it so cool do you ever have live djs come in and yeah hi just look at me pitching for a job do you want to come in i've had ariel free come in i love ariel so really like yeah we're really um yes we did a big collab with defected so and it's so cool because the lighting in the studios i bring the decks in brilliant coming next i'd love that

7:23Mammas: listen take us back how did you get into it how did you meet your husband just give us the backstory

7:29Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: so i met my husband on my first day of peloton so i nailed you down earlier it wasn't like that trust me I thought god he's so boring but he knows he knows that I don't think that now but um I was working as a professional dancer for years I'd been a professional dancer for nearly 11 years and I really did want something different I didn't know what it would look like I wasn't that happy towards the end of my dance career there was just a load of things I I was in a rubbish relationship. I felt like I was doing the same jobs unless I moved to LA and kind of started again. I was doing the same kind of circuit of TV work.

8:15Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: And I started teaching kind of spin classes in a boutique studio in Covent Garden. And I really, really loved it. And one day I just had a random guy came in. I remember thinking, you are different. There's something about you that's different. and he was a Peloton instructor in New York and he was like can we grab a coffee after I'd love to chat to you about something and I was like no I'm busy I think I was busy but I just totally missed the opportunity and then I got a follow-up and the follow-up was would you come to New York and audition and at the time audition so yeah full-blown really like big audition with like they they had been looking at thousands of instructors and whittled it right down but I didn't know and at the time I was uh doing my last tour with Steps and um and I had a three-day yeah tragedy I don't know it um I had a three-day break from from the Steps tour and um I flew to New York and auditioned in their studio and I just thought if you know I didn't realize there was such a big process so I guess I naively felt like oh if I want to do this it's mine I didn't realize that you know what was going on behind the scenes anyway um cut to maybe a few weeks later steps had wrapped up and I'd got the call and like literally less than a week later I moved to New York for three months to start training.

9:52Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: How old were you at that age? I was 31, 32. What a dream. Yeah, it was dreamy. I was at the end of like a rubbish relationship. I knew I didn't want to dance. I'd been like, there's something out there for me, but I didn't know what it looked like. And then it was like, New York. And I didn't know if it was going to do well we um myself and ben my now husband we were the two instructors that were going to bring peloton back to the uk we didn't know if it was going to work and we were out in new york because there wasn't a studio here and so i met ben on the first day and he had been working in finance so we were completely different i was wild when i'd never worked in a corporate environment ben was corporate through and through.

10:40Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: Finance bro. Finance bro. And we went into our first meeting. I'd never even been into a meeting. He got out his laptop, his notebook, his pens. I was like, put that away. I haven't got any of that. Showing me up. Showing me up. Anyway, we just had three months kind of getting to know each other in New York and learning the ropes of Peloton and then came back and decided to give things a go. And that was eight years ago. Now we're married with a baby and a dog and it's been a bumpy road for both of us along the way but we um I understand when people say to me Peloton changed their lives because when I look at what's happened in my life since starting there I get it um but yeah we we work together but actually never really see each other we were at the studio together today and didn't cross paths didn't cross paths and so I guess

11:35Mammas: like do you think that that was is it essentially like a family that grounded you because you're saying you know the instability of dancing and it was kind of a bit boring repeating the same patterns do you think the peloton came into your life to give you that sense of family

11:49Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: yeah I I was also freelance and I felt like the entertainment industry anyway was changing So I felt like I was doing the same amount of jobs, if not maybe higher caliber jobs and getting less and less money. And I was at a point where financially I was like, something's going to have to change. And I just, yeah, I didn't feel grounded. And so moving into Peloton that gave me a bit more structure, I've got a really busy brain. So having a busy career that was always changing and always going from bubble to bubble, because when you're on tour, it's like you're just in a bubble. I probably reached my limit with that and was looking for something that felt not safe, but something that felt new and fresh and something that I could be part of from the ground up and a bit more security.

12:51Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: Yeah. And then meeting Ben was like, you know. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. The ultimate security. Yeah. So it does feel like family and I feel really connected to it, I guess, beyond the job because it's really changed my life.

13:07Mammas: So we'll be right back after this short break. But first, here's a little snippet of what we last chatted about over on Made by Mama's Extra. But what we want to bring is the real and the raw and the messy. Because sometimes we have these recording days and they're amazing, but we've got guests to prep for. and, you know, real things to think about. Whereas these episodes will be a little bit more candid. I just burped. There we go. Sorry. You're going to hear Zoe burping. There probably might be some farting. I can't stop burping.

13:40Mammas: The holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. But let's be real. Between family gatherings, endless plans, and trying to make everyone happy, they can also be overwhelming. Sometimes the biggest win is setting a boundary. Maybe it's saying no to an event you don't have energy for, or choosing to stay calm during a stressful family conversation. Those little moments can make a big difference. That's what growing feels like, and that's where Grow Therapy comes in. Therapy isn't just about navigating life's biggest challenges. It's about those small, everyday moments that help you feel more grounded and in control.

14:17Mammas: Grow Therapy makes finding support easier by connecting you with licensed therapists who fit your needs and accept your insurance. Book your first session in minutes and start in as little as two days. Sessions average$21 with insurance. Some pay as little as$0 depending on your insurance plan. Prepare for holiday glimmers instead of holiday stress. Visit growtherapy.com slash ACAST to get started today. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, email, spreadsheets, and our shared Google Doc, the headline hammer.

14:57Mammas: With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs, and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work, around the work, and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle slash workspace with Gemini. That's goo.gle slash workspace with Gemini. You know you don't have to wait to shop Black Friday at Lowe's, right? Save up to$150 now and select power tools, equipment, and accessories.

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15:58Mammas: Welcome back to this episode of Made by Mamas. Now, where were we? You mentioned that, you know, we're talking about where you are now. And, you know, you've got a baby and you're married and it's amazing. You mentioned that it's been a bit bumpy. Yeah. Talk to us about some of those bumps.

16:13Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: Okay, there's been a few bugs. In 2022, so I'd been at Peloton from 2018. In 2022, I lost my best friend really suddenly. I'd actually had a, in the space of six months, I had a miscarriage, lost my best friend really suddenly, like my bestest, bestest friend, and then was diagnosed with breast cancer. and so it was and I was 34 I was really really ready to start a family yeah um my best friend died on what would have been her wedding day would have been her wedding yeah and so there was just so much kind of traumatic grief and then a few weeks later actually just before her funeral I found a lump in my left boob and was diagnosed with breast cancer and then went into a really big chunk of treatment and fertility treatment as well in case my cancer treatment affected my fertility so I did a really rushed round of IVF before I started chemo um I did three months of chemo 12 every week for 12 weeks I had surgery a lumpectomy I had radiotherapy I had some kind of different drugs via big injections for anyone that might be on a similar journey Haceptin and Zolidex they're pretty gnarly injections and really um have quite a big impact on how you feel in your body and I'm still actually on maintenance drugs now I'm on a drug called tamoxifen which most women that um maybe have a history with breast cancer will be on yeah and makes you feel pretty rotten hey yeah it doesn't it doesn't make you feel great I I'm on a low dosage I came off uh to have my son and but I'm back on it now and I'll probably until I go through my menopause.

18:19Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: Most women that have gone through their menopause don't need to take tamoxifen anymore. But yeah, it was a pretty bumpy road. And that all happened at a time where Peloton was absolutely flying. I'd got engaged a couple of years before. We were planning our wedding. We really wanted to start a family. Everyone was raving about Peloton. It was like everything felt, perfect off the back of covid where everybody where everybody was at home doing peloton everyone was at home people were starting to come back into the studio our followers had really increased the peloton membership had really increased and actually the few years before that we've been working really really hard to get people to understand what peloton was here in the UK because they saw it as a very American thing and yeah this just kind of blindsided me and I I've had a ton of therapy and and worked really hard to kind of process everything and but yeah it was a really when I say bumpy I'm like yeah yeah can you just talk us through and

19:35Mammas: take us back to that period with your your bestest friend talk to us about her who she was what she

19:40Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: meant yeah with pleasure like thank you for asking danielle she um she's i feel like she's with me in like everything that i do everyone thought we were sisters we looked the same we'd been the best of friends we danced together she was the most incredible dancer and i just feel now that I still learn from her. I still, she, when she died, she had an eight months old baby, Bowie. He's now a beautiful, beautiful boy. He just started school. And I found it really, really hard when I had my son and he got to the same age because I didn't know what I didn't know. And I didn't know what it was like to be a mom and what was lost.

20:29Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: but I'm so you know I still think it's really unfair I don't think everything happens for a reason she had a cardiac arrest and out of nowhere out of nowhere her wedding day and it should have been the happiest day of her life and you know she deserved that and we were getting her ready in the morning and yeah just all happened really really really fast and I try to like the day was obviously as I'm sure you can imagine absolutely horrendous but I try to just like not focus on that and focus on you know the signs I really I think I really believe in signs I really believe in energy I still think it's so important to talk about the people we've lost oh my god me too because I hate when people they they don't ask because they think oh it's gonna be really hard it's like I want to keep her alive I want to say how amazing she was and she was 34 when she died and it's way too young to lose anyone and so I just try and everything I do I try and honor her I try and really just be, and it's not always easy.

21:48Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: And it's, you know, it's, I have really, really rubbish days. And I've found having a baby really intense when it comes to the grief. But I really try and live fully. Yeah. Because I'm like, if I get to be here, got to live fully. Yes. You know, I learned a lot from losing her. but we also had many years of friendship that I just do my best to like absolutely cherish.

22:15Mammas: Oh no, yeah. Can you talk about parenting when you're grieving? Yeah. Is it because you're comparing what she had and that you know how quickly it can be taken away? What comes up for you when you think about her and your son and that she had a child?

22:33Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: I think what comes up for me the most is that I didn't know what it was like to have a baby to have that connection and maybe wasn't sure if he would know because he was only eight months and so to see Ace my baby at eight months and to know the connection that we had then it just felt like I was like learning on the job like oh wow this is you know this is where Danielle would have been at and it makes me understand her more as well I think when when I first had my little boy I actually apologized to quite a few of my girlfriends yeah I really did I felt actually like quite a rubbish friend I felt like god I you know in what way I just feel like I didn't know what it was like to be a mom and probably thought god then they they never text back they never okay maybe judgmental potentially judgmental or maybe just a bit um i was just in a very different life stage probably still going out a lot just living in the moment i didn't understand if a friend said i can see you between three and five i thought oh god yeah what about what's that what about nine till two yeah yeah you know what why does it have to be so regimented and now i'm not i can see you between 8 15 and 8 47 yeah yeah that's it so i feel like i've you know just understood so much more since having ace and um do you feel or did you feel any guilt around her dying yeah a huge amount of guilt yeah huge amount of guilt and it's taken me a long time to work through that and I'll still have days where, you know, that first kind of newborn stage when you're up all the time and you're up on your own in the middle of the night, it would be rocky.

24:41Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: Yeah, I feel like, and I've spoken about this really openly, I do believe the wheels were in motion and I don't think you know anything could have stopped what eventually happened but yeah I always wish that I could have done more do you think she knew that it was her moment

25:05Mammas: like on the day if you think back to the day were there any signs whether and was there anything going on that day that you can I'm sure you've thought about it a million times because there's something in that isn't there like my dad literally just dropped dead and I often think like think back to those phone calls before he died oh yeah do you think he knew uh yeah really yeah yeah he wasn't he wasn't feeling well and I kept we kept saying please go to the doctor please go to the doctor and he was like no no it's all right your mom's back tomorrow we were in Ibiza and I just remember that last phone call with him and there was almost like his light had been turned down that day like he knew so interesting but it was so sudden you know so I do I sort of tear it apart and think about whether there is that moment where you just I don't know because obviously

25:52Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: none of us have been in that position yeah I don't know whether she knew I think um it was quite apparent that something wasn't right right but I think because of the enormity of the day that we were hoping to have um it was all kind of put down to maybe a bit of anxiety right I just felt anxious right but um I don't know it was all very very quick and oh my god what a trauma for me yeah just a lot of trauma and I try to think not that I you know wanted us all to be there but at the same time it was like she was surrounded by the most amount of love that she could have been but do you ever dream of her on and off I did a lot more in the beginning um and I wish I could dream of her a bit more I think like she I daydream about her a lot I feel like she's if I picture Danielle she's just kind of with me all the time but I do some some of our friends have really vivid dreams um it's comforting it's really comforting I really I I think before losing Danielle I found it really hard to talk about grief without feeling because I like to bring people's energy up yeah and I always felt like talking about grief was really ruining the mood or bringing everything down and actually I think as you go through life it's like everyone has loved and lost and sometimes you're by speaking openly about grief you're giving someone else permission to do exactly the same there's a fantastic book called signs and I think I could be wrong but I think it's Lynn Robert Jackson I think is the author and for anyone who thinks that they're you know feeling the person that they've lost this book is i think will give you clarity that um you know the energy

28:01Mammas: is real there was a i like i love talking i love talking about death like i not love talking about death but also i think there's part of that process that we just put under the carpet and just because somebody's not there in their physical body and like we're vessels you're a vessel you're a vessel i'm a vessel we're passing through this at this moment in life but our spirit and like like you say the signs and i see my dad a lot in the trees and when i dream of him i always dream of him younger and then the like six months ago i dreamt of him at the age he would have been if he was still alive and i've had a massive row with my husband and he appeared outside our bedroom and i was leaving in my dream and he turned around to me and he went you need to go back in no way and I was like and he looked so old he looked 88 or wherever old he would have been and I was like I'd never seen him with the gray hair but that was the sign to be like give it another shot get back in there like I love that you know that's why when I say I feel like

29:08Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: Danielle is very much with me because I you know in present day I still feel like I'm learning from her even though she's not yes I feel like she maybe went through some experiences in life before I did and when I reached those moments like I was kind of saying with my son it's like oh wow I like I watched you have this moment and now I'm learning from like it's still very present yeah and I I find a lot of comfort in that actually the one time I did dream of Danielle uh she had short red hair which is she danced on Spice Girls tour and and that was how she looked on Spice Girls and it was her at her absolute best and so when I dreamt of her that's how she looked and I found that really interesting because I thought I wonder if she felt at her best then

30:00Mammas: so that's how she shows up that's how she wants to yeah be remembered I love that so you mentioned that before Danielle's funeral you found a lump yes at the time you found the lump did you think

30:12Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: it was anything yeah you did you did felt the lump and I screamed at my husband I've got breast cancer did you immediately and actually I was in New York last week and I was speaking to a guy who actually had had breast cancer and he um when he felt what was a mass on his chest he said immediately I've got got cancer he didn't know breast cancer because it's less common in men Not, you know, not something that can happen. But yeah, I remember it was a boiling, boiling hot morning. And I threw the cover off me. And as I threw the cover off me, my hand kind of grazed my left boob. And I just felt a lump that literally hadn't been there the day before.

30:59Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: Really? And I, not that I'm like, you know, I was feeling my boobs, but I knew, I just knew it wasn't there. And whereabouts was it? on the outside of my left boob and um yeah I just woke my husband up and I was adamant it was like I knew but when I went to the I actually had an appointment with a private GP that morning I went in and she said it was nothing to worry about because it was a hormonal cyst and I think because we had the funeral and then Ben and I were going away for a week just to try and have like a little bit of a break in the sun. I spent the whole time away just like feeling the lump and it wasn't getting any bigger, but it wasn't going away.

31:49Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: And I think sometimes you can be dismissed if you're maybe considered too young for breast cancer. Yeah, because what age were you? I was 34. So young, but not too young for breast cancer at all. and usually a lump will feel kind of fixed down and mine was moving around a bit like what they described as like a mouse under the skin and so that can sometimes be confused with a hormonal cyst but I really did feel like it was just like not something I should ignore and I was like spiraling hard so my husband was just like just go back and get a second opinion and when I called back they said let's refer you to a breast cancer clinic because you'll be seen faster and even though I felt like it's not a hormonal cyst as soon as someone said go to a breast cancer clinic I was like I'm absolutely fine I don't need to go there I think I just went into denial because life was already so hard and I was in the early stages of like really heavy grief and trauma I just was like I can't go through this as well but I went to the clinic and and I wasn't diagnosed on the day but I did a lot of tests a biopsy yeah I had a cancer nurse come and sit next to me in the room at the end of the day which was I remember being so rude to her because I just the only experience I'd had of anything like that was like in films and tv shows you know where like there's a cat I was like what are you doing in here like get you know I get out basically and then I did a lot of kind of full full body scans to make sure that it hadn't gone anywhere else and was diagnosed about a week later and then yeah everything just moved pretty quick it was caught really early but it was an aggressive form of breast cancer so So like, thankfully it was caught really early and I just went straight into treatment with this very small window of doing one kind of round of IVF and being able to get some eggs, which was very good.

34:07Mammas: We'll be right back after this short break.

34:19Mammas: the headline hammer. With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs, and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle slash workspace with Gemini. That's goo.gle slash workspace with Gemini.

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36:24Mammas: Welcome back to this episode of Made by Mommas. Now, where were we? What happens and where does your mind go in that moment when you get a diagnosis like that?

36:35Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: um to the worst yeah so the consultant I had who's gone on to be my consultant who I absolutely love is quite a colorful character and she um is a very very tiny lady and I don't always um understand fully what she's saying she speaks so fast but she's fantastic and she's looked after me so well but she diagnosed me before I'd even really kind of sat down I took my mom and Ben with me and I kind of wish I hadn't because I hated I I think my mind went two places one am I gonna die and two I can't believe my mum and Ben have to kind of sit and listen to this I I would rather have protected them and just handled it on my own isn't that isn't that an

37:29Mammas: amazingly selfless attribute of yours because in your worst nightmare you're thinking about protecting other people from it where they're they're thinking all we need to do is be there

37:40Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: for Leanne yeah I think my mom I'm sure she wouldn't mind me saying I think from the the first time that I went to the breast cancer clinic I think from the experience I had had I knew that it wasn't a hormonal cyst I had quite a straight doctor say to me um it's not a hormonal cyst and it's calcified and usually if a you know growth is calcified the chances of it being cancer are pretty high and I'd obviously had the cancer nurse sit next to me and then she read a leaf she was going through a leaflet with me after which I was just like get away from me I do not want to read this leaflet with you and I ended up seeing her again and really apologizing because she was actually very very very kind but I did not have the capacity for it at the time but um yeah my my head went to the worst place possible I think I I think my mum wouldn't mind me saying but I think she still had hope that maybe I was just really really worried yeah so I think I I did say to my mum I need you to prepare yourself because I think I'm going in here for a diagnosis yeah uh and so i've i found it really hard when i was diagnosed because i think it floored my mum yes and i think ben and i were maybe slightly more prepared because you yeah you'd had those sort of

39:03Mammas: yeah do you seem like such a positive upbeat person probably while you've gone out and smashed it in the peloton the way that you have would you talk to us about your trying to be positive during your treatment and how you think that helped yeah because you're well now I'm well now yeah

39:23Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: I'm well now it's actually going to be five years next year and I still get super anxious when it comes to doing all my scans and actually since having ace I kind of spiral harder than I did before because I feel like I've got more to lose but when I was diagnosed I was absolutely at rock bottom like I couldn't have got further down I didn't care what happened to me I was in a very bad place and I just couldn't stay there so it was like something is going to have to change here and I just had a real big life overhaul I felt very you know I said to you earlier I choose to live fully because Danielle can't I also feel like I got a second chance at life yeah and I've always I kind of always been high energy busy brain like always been upbeat but I just knew what it was like to be very very low and just didn't want to go back there yeah and also I just tried to look for the gifts in like I know initially when I said that I would look for the gifts in cancer it was like what a bizarre thing to say but actually I I really did I tried to you know now for example fast forward a huge part of my life alongside Peloton is raising awareness and advocating for women and making women feel seen and I've had so many women that have gone on to get their breasts checked and yeah not that I want them to get a diagnosis but you know they've got themselves into treatment because they're like if you can go through that maybe we can and I just yeah I think I just tried to do as many things that made me feel like me yeah we got a we got a dog at the beginning of my treatment which maybe was crazy but we got a really wild little working cock and manual called Jags and she was something you know that wasn't to do with cancer and it wasn't to do with loss it was just like fun joy love you know what puppies and dogs are like and those i just anchored myself to those moments yeah yeah

41:55Mammas: and if anything's going to make you feel good and bring joy it's dogs yeah exactly there's a dog in the studio today i know he's got his head upside down if i could have a nap like diego's having a nap oh god I'd be so happy I know we both want to get in there we're like that would be so nice it's like a donut bed but how amazing did you did you worry that you wouldn't be a parent because of cancer yeah yeah I did and um because your fertility can be yeah impacted by chemo and

42:29Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: and other cancer treatment. And because I was considered young to be going through breast cancer, I had a real kind of belts and braces approach to my treatment. So everything was thrown at me. And I had a really cool drug called Zolidex. I mean, it was so intense at the time. It really, it really knocked me, but it basically allowed my ovaries, and this is like the medical stuff that can go on now is amazing it allowed my ovaries to drop back in my body so when the chemo and radiotherapy and the maintenance drugs went through my body the hope was that my ovaries were preserved and actually my fertility wasn't impacted by my treatment but I'd grown quite attached to my embryos which is why when I was given the kind of go ahead to pick up my fertility journey I like I already felt like you know one of my babies was there so that's why I like picked up the fertility stuff again but um yeah I really did think that I wouldn't I may maybe there wouldn't be a family but at the same time I used to bat like that was my like you know real honest thought yeah but I would back that away and be so focused like my sole reason for getting through my treatment was to have a family so I really I felt that but I would back it away did your husband talk to you about that

44:12Mammas: or did he was he's remaining like you know upbeat for you uh what about having a family

44:18Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: no we were like that is the goal our babies are on ice and when we can we are we're in there to collect we're in there yeah you know he does his big job I do my big job and and and you know hopefully it works and actually we had a really smooth IVF process and I've got friends that have had anything but a smooth yeah IVF journey and so that part of things has you know has actually felt quite empowering but I say that with like the utmost empathy because I know that's not everyone's journey but um luckily when it came time to being able to start a family and I think anyone that goes on to have a uh like a pregnancy and hopefully a baby after loss it's tricky anyway yeah it is and to have because you've lost the innocence when you've had a miscarriage you've lost the innocence I see some of my friends that were so carefree in their pregnancy and I've never experienced that I panicked right every time I went to the toilet that's true right up until ace was born I panicked yes that something was going to go wrong and so um yeah I think the fact that I had to wait so long between having my miscarriage it was I really wanted to start a family then that was in 2022 and we didn't have ace until the end of 2025 so it's a long time of watching all your friends start families build families it feels like everyone has babies in that time and you're just like just waiting did you talk to people about how that made you feel yeah I I went through stages like kind of dipped dipped in and out of really wanting to lean into friends and and you know their kids and stuff and also just having times where I'd have to close the door and not engage in you know hang out with my gay mates that don't want to have babies and just like aren't they always the best they're always the best you up for going out yeah yeah they're like ill kids and I'm like yeah I need to hang around with you today and then when I'm when I'm open and I really believe now that there's just like instead of expecting everything from every single friend I've just really learned that it's like you're great for this you're great for that and that's that's perfect that's what I need and so um yeah I try to be mindful of that now that I've got a baby with some of my friends that don't have kids I'm like don't talk about the routine and the lack of sleep because they don't care yeah exactly yeah save that for your mum

46:58Mammas: and what would Danielle recognize immediately about the mum that you've become

47:05Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: oh god that's such a nice question if I think more about I actually really think a lot about what she would think of the person I am now I think she'd be super super proud I'd love to have been a friend to her when I'm at this stage because I like who I am now a lot more I you know wasn't always the best version of myself I burnt the candle at both ends and I I was super hard on myself and I think she would just love this for me. I think she would love to kind of, she was just so full of love and like the, you know, she would have been with me in the really hard moments and not expecting anything in return.

47:53But I think she just would have, like a good friend would just, you know,

47:59Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: what it's like when you look at some of your besties and you're like, I'm just so happy for you. I just feel like. She would have loved it. Yeah, I feel that love. I feel that love. And when I'm chilling with Ace and I'm talking to him about her and we've got some pictures up and I just, I can't see her, but I don't feel like it's any different. Yeah.

48:22Mammas: Love that.

48:22Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: I love that.

48:23Mammas: Just before we go, what would be the one piece of advice that you would give to a new mum or to somebody who might be,

48:30Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: you know going through grief a big life change I've got two bits of advice then if anyone is going through um cancer treatment and is feeling knocked for six because they wanted to have a family and now life looks very different I'd always say speak to your medical team and see if there is any opportunity to do any kind of fertility treatment or any way to preserve your fertility with the treatment you're having and feel empowered to ask those things because if you don't ask you you just won't know and then I think for anyone who and look I'm no expert I'm like nearly 11 months in but I think something that just I'm learning is that you don't have to enjoy it every minute I hate when people say it goes so fast enjoy it every minute it's like no no no two things can exist at the same time I can be so grateful that I've got my son and I can also find it really really boring that sometimes the routine makes me feel like I want to knock my head against the wall and also it's lonely sometimes and I just I think sometimes there's enough pressure on women without making women feel like they need to enjoy every second and so I just think totally like you just take the pressure off you're probably doing an amazing job and you just like I met with the NCT mums early on and they were like we absolutely love it everything's great and I was thinking maybe maybe that's true but also maybe you just want to go really really hard It doesn't mean that, you know, you're not grateful.

50:18Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: So that would be my advice.

50:20Mammas: Love it. Thanks so much. Thank you so, so, so much for coming on. I loved that. I can't believe it's been 45 minutes.

50:27Leanne Hainsby-Alldis: I know, I know. Sorry, I could go. Love it. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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